 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents transcribed the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. The only enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Ruse and Whitfield, Walter Sharp in his music and yours truly Bill Foreman. All of you who have children know that at some time or other they get into mischief. But what the Harris children do to Alice today shouldn't happen to a mother. More about that later. First a word from RCA Victor. A glance at the calendar will show you that the national elections are less than a month away. So there's no time to waste. It's time to buy your RCA Victor television set. Then you'll be ready to enjoy television's complete coverage of that important night. From the early vote returns to the interviews with our new president. 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And when you buy RCA Victor television plus an RCA Victor factory service contract, you'll get television's greatest combination. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Phil has scheduled a band rehearsal for this afternoon, and he's very anxious for everything to come off just right because the sponsor is going to be there. As we look in, Phil is at home getting ready to leave for rehearsal. Now, let me see. I think I've got everything I need for my band rehearsal. My conducting wand, my podium, my music. Why bother with music? Your musicians can't read. They don't have to know how to read. They memorize everything. And look, I don't want you knocking on them, Willie. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. Let's see. I got the music, pitch pipe, tuning fork and earplugs. What are the earplugs for? Boys in the band, they can't stand to listen to each other. I wish I could think of some way to improve that band. What in the world could I do to make it sound better? Get a new male vocalist. And whom would you suggest? Me. Alice has been giving me singing lessons and I'm sure I'd be a valuable asset to your program. Oh, that's peachy. Look, I can't use you with my band. I have a very nice tenor voice. And I'll prove it to you, Phillip. Bonnie Google with his Google googly eyes. Yeah, that's good, Willie. Yeah, that's fine. That'll be enough. Yeah, you can knock it off. Down, boy. Down, down, boy. Thank you, Carmen Lombardo. I thought you gave up singing. Look, Willie, forget about singing with a band. Hey, I gotta get to rehearsal. Where's that no-talent guitar player of mine? He's supposed to pick me up. Maybe he's not gonna show up. He's probably still mad at you for making fun of his real name last week. Well, I couldn't help it. That name of his, what is it again? Elliot Lewis. I get nauseous every time I hear it. I'm not... I'll get that. Hi, Curly. Sorry I'm late. Well, it's about time you got here. We gotta rehearsal. Where you been? I stopped at my regular place for breakfast. It took the guy an hour to prepare it for me. Oh, must have had a fancy breakfast. No, same thing always, huh? Then why did it take him an hour? New bartender. What did you have for breakfast? The usual. Hot buttered toast and a whiskey sour. A whiskey sour for breakfast? Sure. Everybody should start the day off with some fruit juice. Look, we're late for rehearsal, so let's go, Emory. Emory? Well, that's your new name, ain't it? My new name is Elliot. No cracks. All right, all right, Elliot. Ooh. Come on. By the way, Alice, any mail come here addressed to me? Why should your mail come here? Well, since I changed my name, I've been giving this as my mailing address. See, my new name doesn't go with my old address. Why not? I think it sounds good. Mr. Elliot Lewis, 28, Skid Row Lane. That's not my address. I live at 69 Vat Boulevard. Well, he ain't been any mail for you. We haven't had any mail ourselves for several days, and now that I come to think of it, the neighbors haven't even had any either. But I'll check on that later when I get back from rehearsal. Come on, Esther. Elliot. Esther, Elliot, they're so close. Goodbye, honey. Goodbye, darling. Hurry back. Alice, what do you see in that old Indian? Willie, please. He happens to be my husband, and I'm very... Hey, Uncle Willie, here comes the Pony Express. Now, girls, girls, how many times must I tell you not to bring your wagon into the house? I'm not going to tell you again, but what have you gotten that wagon anyway? The neighbor's mail. We've been taking letters out of their boxes for the past two days so we can play post office. Yeah, and we're going to mix it up and put everybody's mail in somebody else's box. Oh, no. So that's why nobody in the neighborhood has been receiving any mail. Look, we're going to put that mail right back where it belongs and we're going to do it right now. Alice, you can't do that. You can't let the neighbors think your family is responsible for this. You'll have to sneak it back tonight for nobody to see you. Well, it would be embarrassing trying to explain this. Willie, put all those letters in the hall closet till tonight. Phyllis, where's our mail? Oh, we've already delivered that. Delivered it? Where? We put it in mailboxes all over the neighborhood Oh, that's terrible. We've got to get that back right now. Girls, you get our mail out of the boxes on this block and I'll take care of the next block and don't let anybody see you. But shall we take this mail and put it back? No, no, we haven't time. Just leave it in the hall closet. I'll return it tonight. All right, mother. But please don't tell daddy about this. He'll get mad. All right, all right. I won't tell your father as long as you never, never do a thing like this again. Now let's go get our mail back so long, Willie. But, but, but Alice, you promised to give me another singing lesson. I don't have time now, Willie. Play one of my records and listen closely. It's great after being out late Walking my baby back home Arm in arm over meadow and farm Walking my baby back home We've got a long harmonizing song We've got a long harmonizing song Or I'm reciting a poem I'll stoop by and then give me the eye Walking my baby back home We stop for a while She gives me a smile And snuggles her head to my chest We start and then head And that's when he gets My powder all over his vest After he kind of straightens his tie I have to borrow his coat One kiss then I continue again Walking my baby back home Gee, it's great after being out late Walking my baby back home Arm in arm over meadow and farm Walking my baby back home We've got a long harmonizing song Or I'm reciting a poem I'll stoop by and then give me the eye Walking my baby back home She's prey to the dark So we have to park outside of her house for a rest We start in the pep And that's when he gets My powder all over his vest Hand in hand to a barbecue stand Right from the doorway we roam Beats and then it's a pleasure again Walking my baby Early the sponsor didn't seem too happy with the rehearsal today I don't think he liked the way the band played I don't blame it You guys sounded like you're playing underwater The rest of them guys sounded bad enough But I never heard you play your guitar as bad as you did today It wasn't my fault For the rehearsal some wise guy sneaked in And put strings on it I almost cut the tips of my fingers off Look they're all lacerated I might get an infection, my fingers will fall off Then how would I play my guitar? Use your elbows, nobody can tell a difference I don't like your insinuation I happen to be a good musician Good musician You couldn't get a job playing second revolver with Spike Jones Look kid, I don't want to hurt your feelings Hey, Curly Isn't that Alice across the street? Over there I wonder what she's doing there I wonder why she keeps looking over her shoulder She's like an awful suspicious What suspicious? All she's doing is taking the mail out of the storage mail box She's always the storage mail box Now what's she doing that for? Hey look Curly, now she's going to the next house She's taking a fistful out of the air box too What's the matter with her taking other people's mail? Now she's emptying another box I can't understand it I can I never wanted to mention it before Curly But I always thought she looked a little crooked What are you talking about? Did you ever notice her eyes? She has a squinting, shifty look True I thought it was due to the smog Oh, this is ridiculous My wife wouldn't go around stealing mail No, then look at her now She's got the mail and she's hot-footing at home Yeah Look at her scale that fence Wow Now look at her scat through your garden Look at swivel hips going through that pond She steps on my cocktail onions, I'll kill her Come on, let's start Hey, let's get to the house and find out what this is all about Come on Oh, Alice, Alice, where are you? I'm in here, Phila I'll be right out Listen to her puff She's getting a little old for them high fences Oh, Phila I didn't expect you home so early Oh, no? What have you been doing, dear? Oh, nothing I've been in the kitchen preparing salmon What'd you have to do? Swim upstream? You're a little out of breath Have you been running around outside, maybe? Outside? No, I haven't left the house all day I've been sitting here knitting Then why are you puffing? Heavy needles Excuse me, I have to go and file the warts off the pickles She's not only a crook, but she tells lousy jokes They like that, Curly She denies being out of the house and we saw her stealing mail I still can't believe it Look, I'm going to get to the bottom of this Now come on, let's find out what she's doing in that other room Wait a minute, look, no noise We're going to ease up Curly, that's my business Now don't talk too loud, girls Your father is in the house Shh, she's talking to the kids Well, girls, how did you make out? Fine, I got the mail out of the Ackman's box And here's the mail from the Bennett's box There was a cop on the corner, but he didn't see me I'm too clever How do you like that? She's got my kids working I'm living in a nest of thieves Imagine teaching little kids to steal for her Are you sure her name is an Alice Fagan? How about the rest of the mail, Mom? I'll take care of that tonight, after it gets dark Can we go with you? Oh, no, no, you girls have to go to bed I'll do this alone Well, at least she's not taking the kids out on her night job Probably don't want to split the swag with her I've got a good mind to tell my kids that she's double-crossing them I can't stand any more of this, come on, Elliot What are you going to do, Curly? I don't know, I've got to have time to think this over Come on, let's take a walk Wait a minute, I'll get my hat out of the closet Alice never did a dishonest thing in her life There must be something Oh, no What's that, Curly? The whole closet's full of mail She must have been doing this for years Oh, what a sweet racket So that's where she got all her money To think I've been living off of stolen relief checks old-age pensions and women's insurance money Yeah Well, that's settled And I'm going to tell Alice that I know what she's doing and I insist that she stop What, and kill a good thing? How could Alice have denied doing this thing? Well, maybe she steals without knowing it You mean she's one of them creptiloxamaniacs? Well, I've got to do something about this but I don't know why Now, Curly, don't trouble yourself Let me figure this out for you You just relax and take it easy Why don't you sing? Sing? What's the matter with you? I find out my wife and kids are crooks and you stand there and ask me to sing Yeah Well, I don't feel like it But at my age, I can't afford to turn down a request Just called up to tell you that I'm rugged but right A ramblin' and a gamblin' man, I'm free every night I eat a pot of steak three times a day for my board More than any guy in this whole town can afford I got a big electric fan to keep me cool when I sleep A mattress stuffed with dollar bills to tickle my feet My motto is love'em and meet'em and leave'em and cheat'em and break'em and ride I just called up to tell you that I'm rugged but right My house was built with palm shop tickets, red, white and blue My suits are made of tiger skins right out of the zoo I got a lot of money in the bank, I made it myself The hearts of all my girlfriends lying right on my shell The girls all stop and whistle every time I go by The girls all stop and whistle every time I go by But I'm pretty darn particular, I'm telling no lie I'm in there wheeling and dealing and really appealing and high as a kite I just called up to tell you that I'm rugged but right I just called up to tell you that I'm rugged but bad You caused me plenty worry, put some gray in my hair You got the lips that sunk the ships of England, France and Peru I'm just like Napoleon cause you're my Waterloo I'd like a 15 minute intermission in your Ford V8 I'd love to make it longer but I've got a late date My morals have always been gone with the wind so let's breeze it tonight I just called up to tell you that I'm rugged but right Overdue it cause I really overdue it last night Hey Curly, I've been thinking this over and I've got it all figured out If you follow my plan you'll never have to worry about Alice I love you, I knew I could count on you What are we going to do? Call the FBI and turn her in I can't turn Alice in, she's my wife But this is a federal offense What's more important, your wife or your country? My country, no my wife, no That's a tough question My country I'm living in and my wife I'm living off I can't turn Alice in, they'll arrest her Don't you realize that? They'll arrest her and send her away to prison That'll upset my whole life What do you mean? Well I'm a very busy guy What with my radio shows, my television appearances, my recordings and going up to visit Alice I won't have any time to go fishing Well Curly, I can fix that I'll see that she's sent to a pen close by I got a little pull, I think I can get her sent to Alcatraz Right in the San Francisco Bay and you can take a ferry over every Sunday and see her I can't let them send Alice to Alcatraz What's the matter with Alcatraz? I get seasick on a ferry Wait a minute, I'm not going to turn Alice in All we got to do is to take all these letters and sneak them back into the right boxes tonight Now how do you like that idea? Oh, crazy man, crazy I can't wait to get caught with a sack of hot mail Yeah, you're right We could get caught Look, we'll just have to get somebody else to do it for us Now we'll find somebody to take that Anybody home? This kid's timing is uncanny Hey Curly How are you going to get him to take them letters back? He's a kid, a kid, I'll make a game out of this Hi, fellas Oh, Julius Hey, you're just in time Uh, Julie How would you like to play post office with me? You punk, you would be so happy I'm talking about that kind of post office We're playing mailman Lovable And you can be the mother And you'll be the mailman And that'll be in takes you to the nut house I think we're using the wrong approach with this boy Yeah, yeah Julius, I'm going to be perfectly frank with you I've got something awful to tell you and it's very confidential What is it, Mr. Harris? Well, I just found out that the woman I love is a crook No kidding You won't tell anybody, will you? No, I won't even tell your wife Don't be funny, I'm talking about my wife She's a crook, a thief, and she's been stealing mail You're a coo! I won't stand here and listen to this I'm going to take my delivery basket and get out of here But Julius, you can help me, don't leave Curly, curly, curly Let him go But we want him to take the mail with him He's taking it But he don't know he's taking it While you were talking to him, I planted the letters in his delivery basket At least we're getting it out of the house Don't you realize that as soon as the kid gets out of the house with the mail We're in the clear Oh, wait a minute Come in I beg your pardon, I'm from the postal inspector's office Ow! The mail has been missing in this neighborhood And we have a pretty good idea who's taking it Holy smokes, and it's true what Mr. Harris said Officer, I happen to know who it is, too And I feel it's my patriotic duty to turn in the culprit The one who stole the mail is... Mr. Harris, please, don't... Sorry, Julius But if you've been stealing mail, you've got to pay the penalty Take him away, officer So long, kid, I'll send you a cake Wait a minute, you can't... Don't worry, kid, I'll get you a good cheap lawyer You'll have you out in 20 or 30 years You'll have time to get in the army Grocery boy A likely story Search him, officer Better yet, search his grocery basket What have you got in that basket, son? Nothing but groceries I'll lift up the middle and show you Look, honey chokes, rutabagas, string beans Special delivery letters, air mail letters It looks bad for you, son But I never... This kid can act I think he's overplaying it a little Phil, Phil, what's all the racket in here? Don't get excited, lady I am from the Postal Inspector's office See you around Arresting you? Oh, officer, I can't let you arrest this boy He's innocent I know he didn't steal that mail I have a confession to make Thank goodness there's a spark of decency left in her Lady, you seem to know something about this Did you steal this mail? Of course not My two little girls stole it How do you like that she's railroadin' her own babies on a bum rap? My kids didn't do it All right, make up your mind They don't care who did it, but I'm arresting somebody Then arrest the right person Who is the right person? She is I am not Of course she is, and I think it was Mr. Harris Don't be ridiculous What's the matter with you? Do I look like the kind of a guy who would steal? Just look at my face Look at me You can see I'm honest and wouldn't Who slipped these handcuffs on me? Alison Phil will be back in just a moment There are probably dozens of radio programs That you list among your favorites So don't miss them just because you're on the go Visit your RCA Victor dealer And select RCA Victor's new Super Personal Radio The Super Personal is easy to carry And easy to take anywhere Because it's lightweight No larger than an average book And yet it's a powerful portable It gives you room-sized volume Big radio tone What's more, RCA Victor's new Super Personal Is available in six stunning colors And it's economical to operate Thanks to RCA balanced light batteries And a special battery lifesaver switch That allows your batteries to loaf In good signal strength areas The Super Personal plays ten times longer Than previous small portable radios Without changing batteries Follow your favorite radio shows Wherever you go By RCA Victor's new long-playing Super Personal portable radio Friday night sits daytime on television So see Dennis Day Get into one merry mix-up after another On the new RCA Victor show Every Friday NBC TV And now an important reminder October is the month when local communities Will be starting their community chest campaigns Campaigns which symbolize The strength of democracy Through voluntary concern for our fellow men The red feather services of your community chest Represent almost every Worthwhile social service in your community Remember that you are asked to give Only once during the year So give generously to your community chest Thanks everybody and good night Good night everybody Included in today's program Transcribe was Will Wright The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley Now you save almost one dollar With RCA Victor's new extended play 45 pop albums 45 extended play gives you twice As much music for less money Eight top pops for only two dollars and 80 cents Four for only one dollar and 40 cents Before tax All by RCA Victor's stars Who make the hit Visit your record dealer tomorrow See and hear his big selection Extended play 45's by RCA Victor Tonight it's theater guild on the air Over NBC