 I'm Olive Sof, your beauty hope and luster cream shampoo for soft, glamorous, caressible hair, bring you Our Miss Brooke, starring Eve Arden at Madison High Summer School. It was welcomed most enthusiastically by Our Miss Brooks, who teaches English there. I don't know why I looked forward to such a brief holiday with such keen anticipation. I like my work and I'm very fond of my pupils. Then there's the school principal, Mr. Osgood Conklin. Well what do you know? I just found out why I look forward to such a brief holiday with such keen anticipation. Mr. Conklin and I never have been what the scientists call chemical affinities, but last week we really reached the ultimate in mutual harassment. I would hesitate to describe Mr. Conklin's temper as volcanic, but by last Thursday I would swear I saw a thin trickle of lava flowing out of his ears. I was telling my landlady, Mrs. Davis, about it Friday morning at breakfast. He hasn't been this irritable since last month when I broke his new glasses. My goodness Connie, how did you do that? It was an accident, Mrs. Davis. They broke when we both bent down at the same time. You both bent down? Yes. To pick up a hammer I had dropped on his foot. Osgood is certainly hard to get along with. Oh Connie, did you say you wanted tea or coffee this morning? I said I wanted milk, Mrs. Davis. Oh, of course you did. I'm getting so absent-minded lately. Almost as bad as my sister Angela. How is Angela, Mrs. Davis? Angela. Your sister. Oh, terribly absent-minded poor dear. Hi the other morning, do you know what she did? No, what? She found herself with one foot in the bathtub and one foot out of the bathtub. There's nothing absent-minded about that. It happens to most of us sooner or later. But Angela couldn't remember whether she was just getting into the tub or whether she was just getting out. Well that is a dilemma. What did she do? She let the water out and took a shower. Now I better get you that hot chocolate you wanted. It's milk, Mrs. Davis, and it's right here on the table. Can I pour some for you? Oh, no thanks Connie. I never drink milk in the morning. It keeps me up all day. Maybe we should have gone on talking about Mr. Conklin. Say that reminds me, Connie. How's Mr. Conklin been treating you lately? You should have seen him yesterday when I stopped in at his office to get my check. Was he very disagreeable, Connie? Not at first. That's what's so confusing. When I sat down to sign for the check, he was extremely civil to me, almost courteous. And then in a few seconds, boom, his whole attitude changed. But why? That's what I'd like to know. You think I spilled that bottle of ink on his coat purposely? Oh, Connie. Not a bottle of ink. I couldn't help it, Mrs. Davis, and I tried my best to get out the spots. With what? With spot remover, of course. Or at least I thought it was spot remover. It isn't my fault that Mr. Conklin keeps ammonia in his desk, is it? Ammonia? But Connie, ammonia will just burn right through the cloth. Please, Mrs. Davis, you sound just like Mr. Conklin. But I won't be running into him for the next few days, thank goodness. I'm going away for the July 4th weekend. Connie, can you afford to go away? On my salary, I can't afford to stay home. But I've made up my mind to do it if I have to go without lunch for a week. And guess where I'm going, Mrs. Davis? Where? To Eagle Springs. And guess what bashful scientist is going to get the surprise of his life because he's going there too and doesn't know I'm coming? It's not, Mr. Boynton. It ain't Al Einstein. Now, if you'll excuse me, Mrs. Davis, I'll get ready for school. Walter Denton should be picking me up pretty soon. Oh, I'm sorry, Connie, but there's something I forgot to tell you. Walter called while you were in the shower and said he can't pick you up this morning. Oh, great. My car won't budge. What's the matter with it, Connie? I don't know exactly. Last time I went out to the garage to look at it, it was lying on its side, panting. Walter said he hoped you'd understand, but he had to drive Mr. Conklin to the doctors this morning. The doctors? Why, that's a shame. I wonder what's wrong with poor Mr. Conklin. Well, that's good. I can't seem to find anything radically wrong with your physical condition. Now, it's out of a slightly elevated blood pressure, that is. What is my blood pressure, Dr. Haney? Oh, nothing to worry about, Asgurt. Around 180, I'd say. Of course, if it gets to 200, I'd advise you to sell. If there's one thing I've always wanted, it's a comical physician. Now, tell me, Doctor, what's wrong with me? Well, I can't discover any physical symptoms, Asgurt, but there's no doubt about it. Something seems to be troubling you mentally. Now, what is it? It isn't a what, it's a who, and what a who. Even when we're not together, I can still see her face before me. But Asgurt, who is this woman? It's Miss Brooks, Doctor. She teaches English at Madison. It seems to me, Asgurt, if Miss Brooks greets on your nerves so much, you shouldn't let her cross your path. Avoid contact with her whenever possible. As a matter of fact, I recommend that you leave town for a few days. That's it? I'll do it. I'll go away for the 4th of July weekend. But where? Oh, it doesn't matter where. Do your world of good to get away for a few days. Say, now, maybe I can help you. You? Why, sure. I know the squad and charge your reservations on the chief. It will be good to get away. Hello, Miss Brooks. You're just the person I wanted to see. Good morning, Harriet. What can I do for you? It's Daddy, Miss Brooks. I'm real worried about him. Last night, he cried out in his sleep several times. Mother had to keep waking him up, and once in his sleep, he screamed out your name. My name? Yes, that's when Mother had to tie him to the bed. I think I can explain your father's nocturnal penchant for screaming my name, Harriet. We've spent the better part of this week exchanging unpleasantries. Then Daddy did have words with you? Harriet, your Daddy had words that I wouldn't repeat in front of a sailor. Nervous this morning when Walter Denton drove him to the doctors? Well, I hope his doctor has a good doctor. Now, if you'll excuse me, Harriet, I'll run along to class. Just a minute, Miss Brooks. Here's Daddy now. Oh, good morning, Harriet. Well, the doctor says there's nothing wrong with me physically at all. I knew it. You look better already. Thank you, my dear. Good morning, Mr. Conklin. No. You just took a turn for the worse. Good morning, Miss Brooks. So far. I better get into my office now. I'll see you later, Harriet. All right, Daddy. But what's the umbrella for? It looked like rain when I left for the doctors. Oh, by the way, it's a rather sturdy umbrella, Miss Brooks, here to whack me over the head with it to start off the day. Oh, of course not, Mr. Conklin. You're sure now? I'll take a rain check. I mean, I'm positive. Oh, hold still a minute, Mr. Conklin. There's a thread hanging from the lapel of your coat. I'll pull it out for you. You needn't bother. It's no bother. I'll pull it out in just a second. Yeah, that does it. No, there seems to be more. Hold still, please. I'm waiting, Miss Brooks. I'm pulling, Mr. Conklin. The hair looks all right, Miss Brooks. Oh, I'm getting it now. Is this a new suit, Mr. Conklin? Yes, yes it is. No doubt you remember my old suit, Miss Brooks. The one with the ink spots. Ink spots? How in the world did you get... Oh, that one. Yeah, yes, that one. I thought you'd like to know that I cleaned Walter Denton's windshield with it this morning. Well, it certainly needed it. I mean, I'm sorry about your suit, Mr. Conklin, but say this is funny. It doesn't seem to be any end to this thread. So I see. Miss Brooks, would you be good enough to give me the ball of thread you're holding in your hand? I'll have another lapel, so now. Oh, forgive me, Mr. Conklin. I didn't realize it. My brand new suit. Two pairs of pants and one lapel. Put me in that office immediately, huh? But Daddy... Daddy seems quite annoyed at you this morning, doesn't he, Miss Brooks? I think so. In fact, there's an old Eskimo saying that describes his feelings toward him perfectly. It goes... What does that mean? Baby, it's cold outside. This book, starring Eve Arden, will continue in just a moment, but first, here is Vern Smith. Here's wonderful news, ladies. Wonderful, wonderful news. Now there's something thrillingly new in Pamalev soap's famous beauty lather. Yes, something thrillingly new. Pamalev's famous beauty lather now brings a new fragrance, new charm, new allure. 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Well, I had no further encounters with Mr. Conklin during my first class and while waiting for another session to begin I was bolstered by the thought that I'd soon be on my way to Eagle Springs for the 4th of July weekend. While I was marking some composition papers, Walter Denton returned from the errand I'd sent on. Excuse me, Miss Brooks, but I'm back. Did you get me a ticket to Eagle Springs, Walter? Sure, Miss Brooks, but first I told Mr. Boynton I was going to the railroad station on an errand and then I volunteered to pick up his ticket to Eagle Springs for him and when he gave me the money I just added what you'd given me and bought two tickets, seats 208 and 209 in the parlor car. Right smack up against each other. Why, Walter Denton, where did you ever get such a diabolical scheme? From you. Why, don't you remember, Miss Brooks, you laid the whole thing out for me? Uh, never mind, Walter. Are you sure the seats are together? Positive. And it was a lucky break. I got any seats at all. The trains are sure crowded for this 4th of July weekend. Gosh, the station was alive with travelers. Those are the best kind. Now, look, Walter, you have got to promise me you won't mention my trip to a solo. I don't want Mr. Boynton to know I'm going to Eagle Springs until he sits down next to me on that train. You have my word as a gentleman and a scholar. I've just read your composition. Your word as a gentleman will do. No, I'll get in the side, Miss Brooks. How did you like my composition? Great baseball yarn, isn't it? Frankly, Walter, it's a little hard for me to judge. I know how crazy you are about baseball. I'd like to be fair in marking your composition, but, well, this time you've really got me stumped. Why? Maybe it's because the first six pages contain nothing but the American League box scores. I just put that in to make it more dramatic. Well, some of it is pretty exciting at that. I remember one very eloquent phrase that keeps recurring in the story. It had me right on the edge of my seat. Let me find it. Oh, here it is. Coleman to Sternweiss to Phillips. That's a famous double play combination. You know, on the Yankees. Oh, Yankees, of course. The northern team. Now you better be getting on to your next class. Okay, Miss Brooks. Oh, before I go, is there anything I can do for you while you're out of town? Yes, Walter. Come to think of it, there is something you can do. You will probably be seeing a lot of Harriet Conklin over the weekend, won't you? That's for sure. Well, you can do me this one big favor. Whenever Mr. Conklin's in the vicinity, please don't mention my name. When Mr. Conklin's in the vicinity, I'm usually not. He hates me, you know. You're not the only one. But just don't talk about me when he's around. I'm hoping he'll cool down a bit while I'm away. Oh, there's that pesky fly again. He's been in here all morning. He'll be darned if I'd hang around summer school all day if I was a fly. Maybe he needs the credits. Hand me that fly, Swatterwalder. Thanks. Well, he lit over here on the door, Miss Brooks. I'll open it and let him fly out. No, don't, Walter. He looks like a germ carrier. I think I've got a good bead on the little pest. Here goes. Fortunately, I get my glasses wholesale. Now that you've warmed up, Miss Brooks, how about trying the umbrella? It was an accident, Mr. Conklin. Miss Brooks didn't mean to hit you. She was after that other pest. Why? Well, if it isn't Walter Denton, I've hit the jackpot this time. Oh, please, Mr. Conklin, if you'll just sit down a minute. Yeah, Mr. Conklin, just have a seat. I'll gather your glasses for you. Yes. Oh, Denton. Yes, sir. Get out! Yes, sir. Miss Brooks, the reason I came in here was to inform you, as I have the other members of the faculty, that I'm going away for a while. Away? For how long, Mr. Conklin? Well, this morning I planned on staying away for just three days. But then, when you siphoned off one of my lapels, I decided to make it four or five. And just now, when you flogged me with that fly swatter, I realized I'll need at least a week. Mr. Conklin, I won't deny that a series of extremely unfortunate incidents have occurred. How very broad-minded are you? Well, there won't be any more of them for me, at least not for the next week. I always thought I was a man of more than average courage, Miss Brooks, but I've discovered recently that I'm not. Please, Mr. Conklin. Oh, it's true. It's true. I am a coward, Miss Brooks. But be that as it may, I am determined to live long enough to be an old coward. Hence, I am about to flee the city. But where are you going, Mr. Conklin? I don't know yet. I've called the railroad station, but their trains are all jammed with 4th of July weekend. Yes, I know. It's very crowded on almost all the trains. I haven't finished talking, Miss Brooks. I was about to say, however, I'm going to try the airport this afternoon. Maybe I can get a plane for somewhere. That's a very annoying fly. Oh, I've got the swatter, Mr. Conklin. I'll get it this time. You just sit still. No, no. I'll get out of this seat if you don't mind. You've got up, Mr. Conklin. As I was saying, Miss Brooks, I'll go to the airport. And if I can't get a plane from somewhere, I may fly somewhere without a plane. Last, it only requires a little concentration to avoid embarrassing mistakes in conversation. We'll take up next the works of Lord Byron. That's all for now. Class dismissed and have a nice weekend. Oh, excuse me, Miss Brooks. Could I see you for a minute? Why, Mr. Boyden, you may see me for longer than that. Come in, won't you? I just wanted to say goodbye, Miss Brooks. Oh, going somewhere? Yes. Walter Denton just got me a ticket on the 415 to Eagle Springs. I'm going to spend the 4th of July weekend up there. How nice for you, Mr. Boyden. It should do you a world of good. Miss, I really need the rest. I've been working pretty hard lately. Still, I want you to know I'll miss our regular Friday afternoon date, Miss Brooks. I don't see why. That was a pretty tiresome crowd we were running around with. Miss Brooks, we went to the zoo on Fridays. That's what I mean. Every week, the same old hairy faces. Well, it does a man good to get away from town every so often. Gives him a chance to think things out, commune with nature as it were. You know, I like to get next to mother nature once in a while. No, isn't that funny? I feel the same way about father nature. That is, I'm sure you'll have a lovely time, Mr. Boyden. I knew you'd understand, Miss Brooks. Walter got me a seat in the parlor car. They usually come in twos, you know. Do they? Yes, I hope someone nice sits next to me. It's quite a long trip and a friendly traveling companion to make the time pass much more pleasantly. I'm sure you'll draw the doll of the world. No, no, not me. Just my luck. I'll probably wind up alongside some big fat dunce. Do you know that? I mean, it's silly to even speculate about your trained partner, Mr. Boyden. Forget it for now. If only he has a good sense of humor. I remember the last trip I took to New York. On my way back, I sat right next to George S. Kaufman, the famous playwright. Really? How was his sense of humor? You'd be surprised. It wasn't so good. I told him one of my best gags, too. You know the one where I make my shoes squeak on purpose? Well, when Kaufman asked me if they were new shoes, I said, shoes nothing. Those are my Blue Jay corn plasters chirping. Now, you know that's funny. It's a scream. How did Mr. Kaufman react? He took two Alka Seltzers and went to sleep. Probably jealous because he didn't make it up. Well, I guess I better be leaving now, Miss Brooks. I've still got to say goodbye to Mr. Conklin. Well, whatever you do, don't mention my name to him. This is one of my bad days. Miss Brooks, you shouldn't fight with Mr. Conklin. I'm not fighting with him, Mr. Boyden. Why, Mr. Conklin would be the first to admit that we'd get along splendidly together if it weren't for just one thing. What's that? Me. I just dropped in to say goodbye, Mr. Conklin. Oh, sit down a minute, Boyden. I'm just getting some information from the travel bureau. What did you say the name of that train was again? The Snake Eyes Limited? No, no, I'm afraid I don't care to go as far as Las Vegas. Goodbye. Now then, you were saying? Just goodbye, Mr. Conklin. I'm going up to Eagle Springs for the weekend. Eagle Springs? But you won't be able to get a train ticket. I've tried every which way to get out of this town. It's just impossible. Oh, not for me, it isn't. I've got my ticket right here, seat 209 and the parlor car and the 415. Let's see that ticket, Boyden. Well, I'll be running along now if you don't mind that. Just a moment, Boyden. Boyden, I've always looked upon you as one of the outstanding members of Madison's faculty. Not just as a teacher mind, although you're one of the best. Oh, thank you, Mr. Conklin. But also as a human being. You coined another type of chap who would never let anyone down. Oh, gosh, Mr. Conklin. That's why I know you will sell me that ticket and postpone your own vacation. What's wrong with Mr. Conklin? I can't. And? In the vocabulary of a Madison high school teacher, there is no such word as can't. Well, then I won't. Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but I've worked very hard for this vacation and I... Oh, of course you have, my boy. It was selfish of me to even suggest that you give me your ticket on the train. The fact that I'm on verge of a complete mental breakdown should not sway you in the slightest. Mental breakdown? Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Conklin. Oh, chin up, chin up, boy. Wipe that frown from your face. You should be smiling. You're going on a trip. A happy, carefree trip. Forget about me trembling in my stuffy little office. You're on the train, boy. I see you now, sitting there in that plush parlor car, the sun streaming through the windows. What's this? The doctor is approaching. Tickets? Tickets, please. Where's your ticket? Here it is. Thanks, Boyd, and I knew you'd come through. Here you are, Miss. Seat 208. Thank you. And this bag belongs to the gentleman in the next seat. He went back to the smoking car just before we pulled out. Oh, that's perfect. Now I can really surprise him. Oh, you knew him? Not as well as I'm going to. That is, we've never been on a vacation together before. Oh, that's the fellow coming down the aisle there. Oh, yes, yes, yes. He's got adhesive tape on his glasses. What? Are you sure that's the man who has seat 209? I'm positive. I parked him here myself. Oh, well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to face the window before he sits down. What for? If he sees me before he sits down, he'll fall down. Oh, I get it. It's a rid. Tickets. Tickets. Here we are, 209. I ho, I ho, do eagle springs we go? Well, well, I have a traveling companion. Don't blame you for gazing out the window. Lovely scenery, isn't it? Nothing like taking a little trip, eh? I don't mind telling you I was a candidate for the Mayo Clinic before I got on this train. But it's going to be different now. I ho, I ho, do eagle springs we go? And as we go, I sing ho, ho, ho. Look at the sun coming from behind that cloud. Shining on the window that way, it's beginning to reflect your features. Yes? Yes. There are your eyes. Nice eyes. There's your nose. Pretty nose. There's your mouth, your chin. All together, they add up. Mayo Clinic we go. Looks, returns in just a moment, but first, dream beautiful luster cream girl. Tonight, yes, tonight, show him how much lovelier your hair can look after a luster cream shampoo. Luster cream, world's finest shampoo. No other shampoo in the world gives you K-Dumont's magic blend of secret ingredients plus gentle aniline. Not a soap, not a liquid. Luster cream shampoo leaves hair three ways lovelier, fragrant clean, free of loose dandruff, glistening with sheen, soft, manageable. Even in hardest water, luster cream lathers instantly. No special rents needed after a luster cream shampoo. So gentle, luster cream is wonderful, even for children's hair. Tonight, yes, tonight, try luster cream shampoo. Dream girl, dream girl, beautiful luster cream girl. You owe your crowning glory to a luster cream shampoo. And now, once again, here is our Miss Brooks. Well, after I found out the identity of Mr. Boynton's summer replacement on the train, I altered my plans for the weekend. Computing the wind velocity and the rate of speed at which we were traveling, I decided not to get off until the first stop. Then I took the next train back to town. And when I arrived at the depot, I ran right into Walter Denton. Miss Brooks, what are you doing here? You should be halfway to Eagle Springs by now. I was, Walter, but I found out that Mr. Boynton isn't going, and I couldn't bear the thought of letting him spend the weekend alone. Alone? But, Miss Brooks, Mr. Boynton got a last-minute cancellation and left for Eagle Springs five minutes ago. What? Sure, I drove him down. Oh, great. Well, there's only one way I can celebrate the holiday now. I'll make an anonymous call to Mr. Conklin on Monday. An anonymous call? Yes, Walter, that's the 4th of July, and I'm really going to shoot off my mouth. Next week, turning to one of our Miss Brooks show, brought to you by Pamela Soap, Your Beauty Hope, and Luster Cream Shampoo for soft, glamorous, caressible hair. Our Miss Brooks, starring Eve Arden, is produced by Larry Burns, written and directed by Al Lewis, with music by Wilbur Hatch. Here's a money-saving offer, men. A giant tube and a large tube of Pamela's brushless shaving cream for 49 cents. He has a 70-cent value for only 49 cents. This offer is made solely to prove you too can get smoother, more comfortable shaves the Pamela's brushless way. Just follow directions on the tube and treat your face to wonderful shaves. Yes, for extra shaving comfort at extra low cost, don't miss this Pamela's brushless bargain. At Drug and Toilet Goods counters, get both giant and large-sized Pamela's brushless, a 70-cent value for only 49 cents. Last year, forest fires laid waste 30 million acres of America's timberland. This year only you can keep it from happening again. So when you or your family are camping, motoring in, or even near a forest area, remember these four rules. One, crush out completely out all cigarette, cigar, and pipe ashes. Two, break matches in two after using. Three, drown all campfires, then stir and drown again. Four, before going near timber, ask fire authorities where campfires or even smoking are permitted. Remember, another 30 million acres will burn this year unless you are careful. For mystery liberally sprinkled with laughs, listen to Mr. and Mrs. North, the exciting, fun-packed adventures of an amateur detective and his beautiful wife. Tune in Tuesday evening over most of these same stations. And be with us again at this same time next week for another comedy episode of Our Miss Brooks. Bob LeMond speaking. This is CBS The Columbia Broadcasting.