 Leaver Brothers Company, makers of swan, the soap with the exclusive super-creamed blend, presents... The Swan with my friend Irma. Starring Mary Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane. Friendship, friendship, just a perfect friendship. When other friendships have been forgotten, theirs will still be hot. Girls share an apartment together. I don't think one has any business telling the other how to live. However, if your roommate gets out of line once in a while, I believe it's perfectly alright to drop a gentle hint. After all, a word to the wise should be sufficient. Of course, if your roommate happens to be Irma Peterson, brother, there just ain't enough words in the dictionary. Now please understand me, me, Jane Stacey. I love the girl. Now go along with her, although sometimes it isn't easy. For instance, the other night I was telling Irma about the lovely dinner party that I attended. I remarked that the table was set with community plate and Irma said, Community plate? I wouldn't want everybody eating from the same dish. These things don't bother me. After living with Irma a while, you begin to feel like a handball court. Things just bounce off of you. Besides, today is a day for celebration. Irma and I have bought a cute little spin at piano for our apartment. Of course it's a luxury, but Irma and I are both working, and by skimping here and there, we'll be able to meet the payments. That reminds me, honey. What, Jane? You know, we're going to make a payment on the piano today and on the 19th of every month, so I've worked out a little budget for us. Well, I'll do just as you say, Jane. That'll be swell, honey. Yeah, I gotta look over this work I brought home from the office. Oh, gee, Jane, your boss is such confidence in you. He trusts you with everything. Well, most bosses do. Not my boss. Mr. Clyde doesn't trust me with anything. He even puts pencils in the pencil sharpener for me. Why? I don't know. Maybe he's tired of pointed erasers. What happens once in a while? No, only yesterday he called me a bonehead. What for? Well, just as I was opening my lunch, he asked me to get the bank deposit ready, and I got confused. Confused? Yes, because he called me from the bank and said they would not pay interest on three tuna-sip fish sandwiches. Well, honey, all jobs have their shortcomings. Not yours, Jane. You're a private secretary, and I'm a plain stenographer. Mr. Clyde is always yelling at me, telling me I don't know my work. He can't find anything in the files, and when I run out of stamps, I have no business sending a letter COD. You should do something about it. I am. What? You're going to ask for a raise. Well, Jane, you know, the more they pay you, the more they respect you. Oh, wait a minute, sweetie. You can't do that. We're skating on thin ice right now. We just bought a piano. They're payments to be met. And what if Mr. Clyde fires you? Me? It's insensible. I'm going right down and talk to him. Irma, listen, sweetie, for a minute. Now, don't worry, Jane. Now, just leave it to me. I know how to handle Mr. Clyde. Besides, he's hinted many times that I'm insolid with him. Insolid with him? Yes, he's often said I had a head like a rock. Wait, Irma. Listen to me, honey. Wait, Jane. When I come back, my position will be different. Goodbye. Well, Miss Peterson, what are you doing here on your afternoon off? I want to speak to you, Mr. Clyde. Please make it brief. This is the only chance I get to decipher what you've done all week. By the way, as long as you're here, where did you file the letter to Smith and Smith? Where it belongs under C. C? Mm-hmm. Cloth drops. Thank you. I had no trouble finding you let it live a pool. I looked under G. Oh, how did you know? Simple. Just remember your system. Liver is meat. A pool has water. Water and meat makes gravy. Look under G. Now, what's on your mind, Miss Peterson? Mr. Clyde, you know the things I do around this office? Yes. You know how I talk to the clients? Yes. You know how I take care of everything? Yes. Well, I guess there isn't more to be said. There isn't. You're fired. Hello, Jane. Oh, hello, Richard. I didn't expect you. What's on your mind? Oh, nothing. I just thought you'd be passing by. And say, what's this? When did you get the piano? Just today. Oh, say, it's nice looking. Oh. They're a nice tone. Yeah. Irma and I always wanted one. It's expensive, but we'll pay it off slowly. Well, you should have a lot of money. Does Irma play? She knows one piece. Kitten on the keys. Oh. How does it sound? Like the cat is caught under the piano. But then we both wanted it. Since we're both working, it won't be hard to... Excuse me, Richard. Hello, honey. Where have you been so long? What do you mean, places? What happened with your raise? I didn't get it. Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Where did you get the raise? I didn't get it. Oh. Well, cheer up, honey. Maybe some other day. Yes. Some other company. Irma, won't you ever learn? How could you let yourself get fired at a time like this after we just bought a piano? We've got payments to meet up. Don't worry, Jane. I have something good to tell you when I get home. Where are you? Around the corner. I wanted to break the news to you first. Well, hurry home. All right, Jane. I'm in the middle of a banana... Hi, honey. Oh, what is she up to now? No, don't let it upset you, Jane. Oh, Richard, where does that girl get her talent for doing the worst possible thing at the wrong time? So help me if she wanted to join the daughters of the American Revolution, she'd get Tokyo Rose to sponsor her. Well, is there any way that I can be of help? No, no, no, Richard, please. Now, Irma and I bought this piano we're going to pay for. I can meet my share of the obligation and Irma will just have to pay hers from the $100 savings she has in the bank. Richard? Hello, Irma. I was just leaving. I'll see you later, Jane. Goodbye. Bye. Jane, you're not angry at me because I was fired. Well, frankly, I am, Irma. You were a fool to get yourself fired just when we needed the money so badly. But you'll probably get another job in a week or so. We can make the payment on the piano today because I just remembered that you have $100 in the bank. Irma? You have $100 in the bank? Irma, why are you looking up at the ceiling? When flies walk upside down, does the blood rush to their backs? Irma Peterson, answer me. You have $100 in the bank? Please tell Janey you have $100 in the bank. It was like this. Oh, no. But it's good news. I have a chance to get a job as a receptionist next week at the number one park avenue shop. A receptionist? Honey, that's the smartest shop in town. Well, all their receptionists come from the finest finishing schools. Honey, they're very ultra. The epitome of culture and refinement. I know that. That's where I use my $100. I don't understand. Well, I want to get that job, so I bought a course in refinement. It's all here in this book. Oh, let me see it. How to become a lady in a week. Oh, Irma, you didn't spend $100 on... Oh, Irma. It's only me, Professor Kropotkin. Hello, Janey and Irma, my two little candles. One with a flame, the other with a wacky wick. What, Professor? Excuse me, a little joke I picked up in the hardware store. Girls, I hope you don't mind my coming in here, but I'm hiding from Mrs. O'Reilly. She wants the rent. Why don't you pay it, Professor? By me, it's a principle. I refuse to pay rent for a room that's full of cats. Yes, in my room, they feel safe. They know even a dog wouldn't go in that place. Oh, Professor, we have our troubles, too. What has Irma done this time? Well, you know the piano. The piano? I didn't notice it. You mind if I play it? All right, but you better play something short. I have a feeling your piano isn't going to be with us very long. Why not? I lost my job. Yeah, not only that, but you spent every cent she had on a phony course in self-improvement. Irma, darling, don't try to become a lady. Stay the way you are. It's so sweet and simple. Return the course and get your money back. Yes, that's exactly what you're going to do now, honey. Come in. Hello, girls. Oh, so they are, Professor. Hello, Mrs. O'Reilly. Don't you hello me. I understand you've been going around till in the tenant you'd like to see me hanging from the rafters. I never said that. Well, that's better. I don't want to be charged extra for the decorations. Now, look here, you. Now, please, please, the two of you. I'm sorry, Mrs. O'Reilly. I don't want to be curt, but after all, I have a terrible problem here. Irma's lost her job and she spent every cent she has on a fake course in self-improvement. Oh, Irma, you poor dear. Where did you buy the course? From a man named Sam Bauer. Glory be to thee. A checkered jacket and talk fast? Yes. Oh, that crook. How could you go to a man like that? Why, how do you know he's a crook? He sold me a book on how to preserve me youth. Mrs. O'Reilly, if you'll excuse me, I think he sold you the wrong book. Your youth doesn't look like it's been preserved. Looks more like it's been pickled. Push up. Now, Professor, let's let the girls alone. We'll go up to your room and talk about an operation. What operation? The one you're going to need if you don't give me the rent. Bye, girls. And Irma, get your money back. Now, sweetie, that's exactly what you're going to do because you're out of a job. And we need that hundred dollars desperately or they'll take the piano and we'll be the laughing stock of the neighborhood. Oh, I understand, Jane, but please don't mention a word of this to Al. Why not? Well, I want Al to have confidence in me because you see, when he and I get married, I want to handle the money in the family. Yeah, well, I think that's fair. After all, you'll be the only one who's working. And now Suzy Swan sings to us. Listen. My advice says Suzy, when you are buying soap for dishes, please be choosy. Swan gives a brand new kind of suds, you see. Your dishes wash so easily. Swan's gentle too. I swan to you, says Suzy. And ladies, you'll probably be thanking Suzy Swan for her melodic advice when you use white-floating swan soap for dishes. You bet, because now with swan, you can have faster dishwashing and protection for your hands at the same time. You see, swan is made with an exclusive super-creamed blend for a wonderful new kind of suds, suds that get your dishes washed fast, suds that rinse away so completely with one hot rinse, your dishes never need drying. Yes, swan saves you time, but that's not all. Swan saves your hands too. Sure, because swan's exclusive super-creamed blend protects your hands, leaves them lovely as ever. Think of it, no more strong soaps or strong soap powders that make your hands all red and rough. Now you can do a fast job with pure, mild swan. Because only swan has this exclusive super-creamed blend, for speed and mildness both. Pacing the floor, waiting for Irma to come back with $100 that she spent on that worthless culture course. Oh, gee. I hope she gets it, because there's a payment due on the piano. I don't want to be at the keyboard playing ballerina while two truck drivers dance off with the piano. Hello, Jane. Irma, did you get the money? No, there was a note on the door out to lunch. I think Mr. Bauer likes Mexican food. Mexican food? Yes, because the policeman in front of his office said this guy is headed for the border. Oh. Irma, there goes the hundred. Are you angry, Jane? Irma, I don't know what I am any longer. All I know is that I've been living with you for a year and everything you've bought in that time has been a swindle. First, that refrigerator. Well, everybody buys a refrigerator. Without a motor? Well, a man said that without any moving parts, it would last longer. All right. All right, it could happen. What about the time you wanted a fur coat? And I told you to go to I.J. Fox. Where did you go? I.J. Wolf. He said he was a distant relative. And what kind of fur did you buy? The man said it was a genuine mink-dyed, square-colored leopard-spotted caracal beaver. Honey, I told you that that many animals haven't gotten together since they walked into Noah's Ark. Understand me, sweetie? I'm not trying to pick on you. I'm only hoping that by pointing out your past mistakes, you won't be so gullible in the future. Well, it's just that they make it sound so reasonable. Oh, sweetie, what's the use of talking anymore? You have no job. You haven't any money. We can't meet the payments on the piano. All you have is a book. How to become a lady in one week. Oh, please don't start to cry, Jane. Oh, what do you expect me to do? They'll take the piano back, and my credit won't be good any place in town, and my charge accounts will be canceled. Jane, maybe they're coming for the piano. Shall I hide it? Yes, put it under the rug. Hello, Jane. Hi, chicken. Hello, Al, honey. Well, kids, I've done it again. Oh, Al, not another one of your deals. What is it this time, dipping tapioca and ink and selling it for caviar? What's the matter with you, Jane? You seem bitter. Silly Al. I feel wonderful. In fact, I'm going to take a little trip. I'm going out of my mind. Inhibited, Jane. Chicken, what's up? Al, I got fired. Fired? Chicken, how can you tamper with my future like that? That's the worst news I've heard. No, it isn't, Al. I've got my life savings on this course. Let me see. How to become a lady in a week. Chicken, how could you? Well, I wanted to get some poise and cultured. Haven't you ever felt that way? Let me get poise? Chicken, I'm loaded with it. How many guys do you know who can walk into a theater backwards, light a cigarette and say to the doorman, going out for a smoke, call me when the newsreel is over? Now, chicken, you shouldn't have bought this book. Hey, what did you pay for it? $100? $100? Chicken, I think you've laid an egg again. Something else we can do? Well, if there is, there's only one man who can help us. Who, Al? Who else but... Hello, Joe. Al. Got a problem. Got to find a job. For me, Joe, don't be funny. It's for Irma. She got fired. Wanted something in her line. Well, Irma does typing. Yeah, you remember the one who typed that letter for your cousin Willie? Asking the governor for a pardon? Well, Joe, don't be sore. She just left out one word. I know she was supposed to write, I am not guilty, and she left out the knot. What's one word among friends? Then you're still sore, huh? Don't want to help her. All right, forget it, Joe. Goodbye. What are you going to do now? Don't know, chicken. Looks kind of hopeless. Everything. Oh, take it easy, chicken. Oh, no, I'm a burden to all my friends. I treat them all like beasts. That's what I am, a beast of burden. Chick, chick. Oh, that poor kid. Come in. Hello, Al. Hi, Richard. Hey, where's Jane and Irma? Jane's out for a walk. Irma's in the bedroom crying. Oh, about a job, huh? Yeah. Yeah, she's taking a pretty high. Well, that's why I dropped by here. Now, I might have a job for her. Oh. Irma, Irma, please come out. This is Richard. I want to talk to you. Tell her the good news, Richard. Well, it isn't definite, but I just left the house and Mother's having tea with Powell Stuyvesant, the editor of Society Magazine. Now, he employs any number of girls, and I thought I might talk to him in the morning about employing you. Oh, Richard, you're so sweet. I could kiss you, but then Al would have to kiss Jane and we'd get all mixed up. Well, I think I'll run over to Papillon Restaurant and see if Jane's there. Now, Irma, I'll call Mr. Stuyvesant in the morning and have him get in touch with you. Goodbye. Isn't it wonderful, Al? Just got an idea, chicken. What, Al? Why should we wait until tomorrow? Job might be filled. Why don't we drop in on Mrs. Rhinelander now and meet Mr. Stuyvesant socially? Make a big impression. Might even get a better job. But, Al, we weren't invited. We're in the clear. We got an excuse. We'll say we're looking for Richard. No, he won't be there. But, Al, do you think it's right? Chicken, all big deals are not made in the office. It's on the golf course, at tea, at cocktails, at bridge. You've got to handle it like the big shots do. Well, but Mr. Stuyvesant is editor of society magazine and Mrs. Rhinelander is... Oh, Al, I'll be so nervous. Maybe I ought to read the book on culture and get some points. That book is a fake. I know the right things to say. We'll give it all to you in a nutshell. All right, Al, I'm ready. Fine. Now, first, upon entering a mixed crowd, make conversation of general interest. Now, these people are high society, so we discuss the cabbets and the lodges. The cabbets and the lodges. Also, you drop a comment that you are getting ready for the horse show. You got it? I've got it. Okay, chicken, we go. Strike while the iron is hot. If things go right, in an hour, you should have a swell job amongst classy people. All right, Al. Oh, just a minute while I take everything out of my handbag. Why are you doing that, chicken? Well, the book said the polite guest never arrives at a party loaded. All right, chicken. Before we ring, have you got everything straight? I make general conversation. I'm getting ready for the horse show, and I talk about the cabbets and lodges. Okay, I'll ring. Al, what a pleasant surprise. What are you doing in the neighborhood? We just dropped by to see Richard. But we know he's not in. Please, chicken. You look very lovely, Mrs. Rylan. Well, thank you. Won't you come in? I've never seen you looking so attractive. Thank you. I'm getting ready for the horse show. Holy chicken! Erma, now while you're here, I'd like to have you meet my guest, Mr. Paul Stuyvesant. Paul, this is Erma Peterson and her boyfriend, Al. How do you do? Delighted. Dorothy, now that your friends are here, how about a rubble of bridge? Bridge? Well... Delighted. Grand thought. Well, then let's sit at this table. Erma, how would you like to be partners with Mr. Stuyvesant? Oh, I'd rather work my way up slowly. Ah! The girl's got a great sense of humor. Er, are these the cards? Yes. Mind if I count them first? I beg your pardon. A mere formality saved me many a buck. Make a polite conversation. If you find it necessary, Erma. Mr. Stuyvesant, do you know the cabots? No, I've never had the pleasure. Do you know them? Well, I've never been to the cabot's home, but I've been to their lodge. Shall we deal? Yes, quickly. Ah, let's see now, what's of mutual interest to everybody? Chicken, you're supposed to make conversation, but I don't mean you can't stop. One spade. Two diamonds. Seven no trump. I beg your pardon, I didn't get my partner's bid. Seven no trump? Seven no trump. If you folks don't mind, I'd like to see my partner's hand. Miss Peterson, how can you make a bid like that? Why not? You're vulnerable. You haven't got an honor. Mr. Stuyvesant, I'm not discussing your character. I don't see why you should discuss mine. Chicken, easy chicken. Oh, Mrs. Rhinelander, this is impossible. I think I'll be running around. No, no, no, please, please, Paul, I could explain. Gee, Al, I think I made a wonderful impression. I don't know about that chicken, but you sure performed a great trick. What was it, Al? You changed a forehanded bridge game in a double solitaire. And Richard, he told me the wonderful news. He's going to speak to Mr. Stuyvesant. First thing in the morning, bought a job for you. Oh, Jane, I don't think I'll get along very well with Mr. Stuyvesant. Well, sweetie, you haven't even met the man. How do you know? Well, that's silly, Jane. I've never taken poison, but I know I wouldn't like it. Irma, what are you talking about? Jane, if that's Richard, don't answer it. Why not? It may be a wrong number. Irma, you're really acting ridiculous, God. Hello? What, Richard? Yeah, yeah, she just came in. No, she wouldn't tell me where she's been. She... What? At your mother's playing bridge with Mr. Stuyvesant. What happened? Oh, Richard, is your mother angry? She's not. Oh, bless her. Are you angry? You're not. What about Mr. Stuyvesant? He's what? He's given up cards. He's locked himself up in the Harvard Club and refused to give it. Oh, Richard, you're kidding. Was it really that bad? I see. Excuse me, Richard. I want to have a talk with Irma. Bye. Irma. Irma Peterson, how could you? Oh, I'm sorry, Jane. We were so anxious to get the job, and we wanted to do it the social way. You know, it was a strike while the iron is hot. Well, you certainly cooled it off. Oh, honey, goodness knows when you'll get a job, and they'll take the piano back and how we pay our bills, and I just... Oh, Irma, use the cake of swan soap and put it in front of the mirror. So I had to know why. Irma, why put the soap in front of the mirror? And Irma said... A man on the radio just told a story of the ugly duckling, and I want our swan to know he didn't mean him. Well, you're so right. In fact, it's downright beautiful, that cake of swan soap, smooth and white and creamy. And thanks to swan's exclusive super-creamed blend, swan's new kind of suds are wonderful. Sure, they whip up fast for dishes. Whisk away dirt and grease and leave your dishes shining, gleaming bright. And you'll like the way swan's new kind of suds rinse away. So completely, your dishes never need drying. And ladies, beautiful is the word for the way swan leaves your hands. You see, swan's exclusive super-creamed blend protects your hands, leaves them soft, smooth and lovely as ever. Right-floating swan can give you this speed and mildness combined, because only swan has this exclusive super-creamed blend. 24 West 73rd Street is back on a paying basis. I'm working, and Irma's got her old job with Mr. Clyde back. So the piano's here to stay, and Irma practices it diligently. I'm delighted in your interest in music. Why do you practice standing up? Nothing I can say except hats off to my friend Irma. My friend Irma, presented by swan, another fine product of Lever Brothers Company, was produced and directed by Cy Howard. Tonight's script was written by Cy Howard and Park Levy. Folks, next Monday evening, listen again to... With my friend Irma. Starring Mary Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane, the part of Professor Kropotkin was played by Hans Conreed, Frank Mingman speaking. Sprite. Cakes are light and high. Sprite. There's a reason why. Sprite. Cakes improve with Sprite. Rely on Sprite. You bet there's a reason why Sprite is the cake-making wonder. Sprite has an amazing cake-improver secret. Try the sure Sprite one ball way, and be certain of lighter, finer, richer cakes every time. No other type of shortening has Sprite's cake-improver secret. For new cake-making success, Rely on Sprite. For all vegetable Sprite with cake-improver. Rely on Sprite. S-B-R-Y. Rely on Sprite. This week, one hour earlier, and listen to the Lux Radio Theater, immediately followed by my friend Irma. This is CBS, where 99 million people gather every week. The Columbia Broadcasting System.