 That's so many, maybe they get mixed up. From Hollywood, the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. Written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos and Whitfield, Walter Sharpe and his music, yours truly Bill Foreman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. With food prices as high as they are, most housewives are faced with a shortage in their household money. As we look in the Harris home, Alice is discussing the problem with Phil. Phil, will you please listen to me? You don't even know what I said. Huh? What? What'd you say again? Oh. Oh, I know. You said that you were... No, no, no. I said I'm having trouble with my budget. I've tried every way, but I just can't reduce my expenditures. So why? A lot of women have big hips. What if you do waddle a little when you waddle? All right. That's cute. I'm talking about my food budget. Prices are so high, I need more money for my household expenses. Now, prices aren't high. You can go into any market and get butter for 22 cents a pound. And eggs are... eggs are 24 cents a dozen. Bread is 5 cents a loaf and coffee is 25 cents a pound. When's the last time you went shopping, Wendell? My mother used to send me to the store all the time when I was 12 years old. No wonder. Everything was cheaper in the gay 90s. Do you know that today butter is about 79 cents a pound? Eggs are 60 cents a dozen. Bread is 23 cents a loaf. And Yami yogurt is 34 cents a pint. Yami raised his yogurt that much? He can't do that. What are the boys in my band going to take their baths then? That isn't all, Phillip. Prices on everything have gone up, including the basic essentials. Why do you know that last week the price got so high, I had to give up snuff? Oh, poor Willie. You are indeed a hardship case. Don't... don't laugh, Phillip. I miss my snuff. Now I have nothing to sniff. Have you ever tried chloroform? Alice, the trouble with you is that, well, you don't know how to shop. Well, if you think you can do better, I'll give you the budget money and you go out and buy the food for the week. Okay. But remember, you won't eat anything but the best steaks and rib roasts and chops. And I'll get all of that. Just give me some money. Alright. How much do you want? Well, now let me see. Four people for a week, three meals a day. Give me ten dollars. Ten dollars? Don't worry. I'll bring back the chains. You're going to buy a weak supply of food for less than ten dollars? Yeah. I've been using snuff. What have you been on, Clyde? It's doing pretty good for you. I might start on snuff. No, William, women always think they're so smart. They don't know what they're doing half the time. The only time I didn't know what I was doing was when I married you. Oh, yeah? What an ad-lib! Well, now you're just ridiculing my dialogue. Well, I don't have to stand here and be the target of your cruel barbs. I'm going up to my room and pout. I may even sob a little. I don't care what you do. If you want to sob, go ahead and sob, because I'm getting tired of listening to this. Please, please, please don't fight. I can't stand these family altercations. Well, don't tell us what to do if I want to fight. Wait a minute, that's a bell. I'll get that. Hiya, Curly. Oh, hello, Remly. What's the matter with you? Alice and me just had an alteration. You mean you had your faces lifted again? No. Trying to tell you Alice and me had a little beef. Oh, sorry I missed it. I love a good fist fight. We didn't use our fists. Blowy knives? Look, Frank, would you please don't... You'll be ashamed of yourself fighting with your wife, biting the hand that feeds you. I didn't bite her either. I didn't say a bit of either. I said you bit her hand. Now tell me, what was this bloody brawl all about? All right, Remly, all right. She wanted to have more money for the house and I wouldn't give it to her. How much do you want? Well, she says it costs her more than $35 a week just for food. Well, that blonde babe's trying to take you. $35 just for food? That's ridiculous. I'd better straighten her out. I'll talk to her and... Hello, Frankie. She's here, Remly. Start talking. Alice, how much does Curly give you a week for food? $35. That cheap skate. Curly, you ought to be ashamed of yourself starving this little girl. Tilt! Remly, what are you trying to do? First, you agree with me, then you agree with her. Whose side do you want? Nobody's side. I'm just trying to start something. Now be serious a minute, Frank. Don't you think that $35 a week is too much money for food? Yes, it is. But don't blame Alice, Curly. After all, she has to shop in this neighborhood, and it's very expensive. Why don't you come down to my neighborhood? No thanks. I'm not in the mood to be rolled today. Curly, please, there's nothing wrong with my neighborhood. I'm proud to be a resident of Skid Row Heights. If you do your marketing in my section, you can eat for one-fifth the price. Of course, you may not live as long, but say, like, That's what I say. Sure. I keep saying that the market that Alice has been shopping in is much too expensive. Curly, why don't you come with me? I know a market where I do my shopping and you can get a weak supply of food for $5. Well then, lead me to it. Well, this I gotta see. I'm going along with you boys, that's if you don't mind. No, no, no. Come on along, come along. And watch me and you might learn something about shopping. Okay. And if you listen to me, you might learn something too. About what? About singing. I know at times it's tough to get into a song, but this is ridiculous. I hear singing and there's no one there. I smell blossoms and the trees are bare. All day long I seem to walk on air. I wonder why, I wonder why I keep tossing in my sleep at night And what's more I've lost my appetite Stars that used to twinkle in the skies Are twinkling in my eyes, I wonder why You don't need analyzing, it is not so surprising That you feel very strange but nice Your heart goes pitter-patter, we know just what's the matter Because we've been there once or twice On our shoulder you need someone who's older Or up down with a velvet glove There is nothing you contain, you're not sick, you're just in deep I smell blossoms and the trees are bare And what's more I've lost my appetite Arts and gentle people who live in your home town What kind of a neighborhood is this? What's the matter with it? Well, I just parked my car and already all four tires are gone. Oh, there must be some mistake. You sure you had tires when you drove down here? Certainly I had tires. What a place, it isn't even safe to walk around this neighborhood. Walking's all right. I've been walking around here for years and nothing ever happened. What's the matter? Somebody stole my shoes. Surely you weren't wearing any. Thank you. Where is this market of yours? It's right here. Oh yeah, honey, there it is. Right there, look at the sign. Joe's supermarket, imported delicacies and reclaimed food imporium. Reclaimed food? They have some army surplus stuff. I must admit it's a nice looking market. You've been shopping here long? Oh yeah, I've been buying all my food here for the past three years. Hey, look. I see they have a liquor department right near the entrance. They have? Funny, I never noticed it before. I had no occasion to know. Hello, Mr. Remley. Oh, hi, Joe. Have you come in to buy the usual food for your dinner? Yeah. What do you have tonight? Birds-eye bourbon, a minute-maid scarf. Please, Joe, my friends here would like to buy some of your food and I'm going to show them your food department. Are you kidding? You wouldn't know the food department if you fell over it. Hey, look, Joe, Remley tells me that you have some great food here. Ooh, how about it? Some of our food is good enough to eat. And our prices are the lowest in town. Well, that's just dandy. Look, how about your meats? How much do you get per pound for the best cut steaks? 50 cents. 50 cents? I pay $1.70. You see, you see, you see, I told you you didn't know how to shop. Look, Joe, I'll take 10 pounds of that. 10 pounds of what? That best cut steak for 50 cents a pound. Oh, I haven't had that for 12 years. But I've got some second cut steak. I can let you have that. Okay, how much is it? $1.70 a pound. How come the second cut costs more than the first cut? Because the second cut I got. Yeah, but look, you got a lot of nerve charge in $1.70 for steak. Well, I can't help it if prices are high. They keep going up every minute. I know, but $1.70. $1.80. You didn't even wait a minute for that one. $1.80. $1.90. $1.80 is $1.90. Whoops, there it goes to $2.00. Now look, Joe, you can't keep charging more. It's against the law. The prices have been frozen. Well, I got a hot cash register. It thaws them out. Look, the prices are too high. I want to see something cheaper. Well, why didn't you say so? I've got just what you want. Step over to the condemned meat department. Okay, I've heard enough. Let's get out of here. Come on, Frank. I can't... Well, Phil, I hope you're satisfied. Do you admit you can't do better? No, and I'm not giving up yet. Well, I am. You'll never get it any cheaper any place. I'm going back to my market and do the shopping. See you at home, boys. Okay, okay, okay. Fine thing. Look, Remly, there must be some place where I can buy meat cheaper because you can't... Hey, wait a minute. Hey, why don't I buy at wholesale? There's only one trouble, Curly. A wholesaleer won't sell it to you unless you buy a lot. To the average person, yeah. But I just happen to be a big shot. They'll sell me whatever I ask for. Now, come on, we'll go over to a wholesale house and get a few things that I want just... Just enough meat to last a week. Come on. Now, you see, Remly? I told you I could get it wholesale. If you know how to handle people, you can get anything you want. Yeah. Tell me something, Curly. What are you gonna do with two tons of ground round? Oh, it'll go pretty fast the way Alice eats. You see, Remly, nothing is wasted in my house. Alice will eat as much as she can and the rest she'll use to stuff the sofa. I never saw so much hamburger. Well, it's not so much. It's only one truckload. Yeah, but how about the other truckload? The one that has the 400 pounds of steak, 600 pounds of ham hocks, 800 pounds of liver and three miles of link sausage. Curly, where are you gonna keep all that meat? We got a big cedar closet at home. Can't keep it in a closet. You have to get one of those big walk-in freezers like they have in butcher shops. Yeah, I understand that, but aren't they very expensive? Not if you know where to get one. I happen to know a guy. No. It's a friend of yours, forget about him. I ain't buying no hot freezer. But Curly. Nine. Now, look, we'll go look at the classified phone book and find where they sell commercial freezers. This time I'm going to a legitimate dealer, if you don't mind. All right, okay, have it your own way. This will show Alice that I can do a lot of things better than she can. I know how to shop, I know how to drive a bargain, and I know how to sing baritone. You think I'm going to ask you why you mentioned that last one? You're crazy. Ask or not, I shall proceed to show you musically. That all its famous men turned out to be The kind of men who never stopped to look behind They looked ahead to see what they could see And they saw possibilities, possibilities They never overlooked a single possibility Proven naturally, opportunities For the one who sees the possibilities Each time you try to solve a new phenomenon The skeptics say it's just a dream, I know But after you're a hero and the job is done Then you can tell them all I told you so Yes, there are possibilities, possibilities If you will only make the most of your facilities Folks will idolize, even eulogize The little guy that sees the possibilities When Christopher Columbus proved the world was round He met Queen Isabel on his return She said, now tell me, Chris, about this place you found He said, well, Belle, as far as I'm concerned It sure got possibilities, possibilities I tell you, Queen, I've never seen such possibilities And I really feel you should make a deal Before somebody sees its possibilities When little Abe was growing up in Illinois To be a big success was his intent He studied so much harder than the other boys Till one day he became their president He saw the possibilities, possibilities He always made the most of his facilities Proven naturally, opportunities For the one who sees the possibilities I guess by now there ain't no doubt About the point I'm bringing out So if you'll open up your eyes You are bound to recognize the possibilities Possibilities, well, they've been in the world It's full of possibilities Ain't no miracle too impossible For anyone who sees the possibilities All right, Remly, the wages and prices freezer company Hey, Curly, are you sure this is the same place That was advertised in the classified phone book? Yeah, yeah, they had a great big ad Some guy by the name of Harry had it in there I don't know, but it says, uh, I really hope that I can get all I want here Because, look, Remly, I need a big roomy walk-in freezer You've come to the right place, Harry Groke! Here, what a coincidence! This is the guy I was going to take it to, Curly Hey, Remly, did you slip me a loaded telephone book? Hey, Grogan, now what are you doing here? I own the joint I took it over from the guy who used to own it Oh, well, I'm glad that you finally got into an honest business You acquired this place, uh, legitimately, of course Well, naturally, naturally I made a very shrewd deal I got the place for practically nothing What'd you give the guy? 24 hours to get out of town Oh, Groge, you ought to be ashamed of yourself Scaring the man into giving you his business I didn't scare him, I was a perfect gentleman Walked in at the man's office I said, I'd like to have your business, so he said take And then you put on your gun and signed a contract, huh? Please, Harris, you know that it's against the law to carry a gun Being a law-abiding citizen, I wouldn't have one on me Well, then how come this guy gave you his business for nothing? He was sensitive Couldn't stand those hot cigarette butts against his bare feet Now then, Harris, just what is it that you want? I want to go to another place Now, Curly, you're too squeamish Let's look at some of Grogan's freezers Maybe he has some good margin How could he? A guy like Grogan don't know nothing about no freezers Give him, don't know nothing about freezers Says I don't know nothing about freezers Me, who spent time in some of the best coolers in the country Now, do you want to look at a freezer or a dungeon? Alright, as long as we're here, we might as well see what you got Hey, but Grogan, remember, I want the latest model made Well, that's all I carry For example, just look at this machine here Now, this is the newest thing on the market This is self defrosting It's in perfect condition And I defy you to find a floor on that refrigerator It hasn't got a door on it That's how it defrosts itself What's the matter with this guy, Remly? He's stupid or something? Alright, Grogan, look, I don't think that... You haven't got what I want I'm gonna leave and see if I can What do you think this is? Saks Fifth Avenue? Where you can walk out while I'm buying something? You came in to buy a freezer You won't leave until you get one Did you ever work for a used car lot? Look, Grogan, I'll buy a freezer If I see what I want, but I want a modern one And if it's not asking too much Can I please have one with a door? Well, I got just what you were looking for Because here is a freezer That is the very latest thing in refrigeration Just look at the lines on that box Just look at them solid doors That looks good to me, Curly How close does this freezer get, Grogan? Depends on how many pounds of ice you put in Don't you see, Remly, that's an old-fashioned box I want a modern freezer, Grogan A big one that you walk into Why don't you say so? How about that one over there? Oh, well, and now you're talking That's just what I've been looking for Are you sure it's the latest thing? Of course, yes, certainly It's got the newest deep-freeze units It's got separate food compartments It's got a light in it that goes on when you open a door Watch out, Wikes Hey! Hey, that light works good Hey, Grogan, I like the looks of this machine Can I take it home on trial? Yeah, sure, go on, take it home, try it If you don't like it, try and retain it That's fair enough Look, I'll buy it, Grogan, but look I want it sent over to my house as soon as possible It'll be there before you get home All right, thanks, Grogan Come on, Remly, that's good Yeah, all right Hey, that's a good machine I could tell with the way that light went on When he opened the door, did you see it go on? Hey, Max What? The sucker bought the machine You can blow out the candle in there now Hey, Rem You suppose they delivered those two truckloads of meat yet? We'll find out as soon as we get in your house Yeah, I bet Alice will be surprised when she finds out Hey, Harris, what have you done now? The meat's been delivered, Curly Hey, is that right, Alice? Did the boy bring the meat I bought? Boy, it took eight men four hours to unload it Oh, where you got the meat? Is it in the kitchen? In the kitchen, no, it's in the kitchen It's in the kitchen, no, it's in the kitchen It's in the kitchen, no, it's in the kitchen Oh, where you got the meat? Is it in the kitchen? In the kitchen, the living room, two bedrooms The bathroom, the closet, the stuff All right, all right, you're exaggerating I am, huh? I had to call somebody over here to help me stack it Who'd you call? I'll give you three guesses, Max Hey, Julius Hey, Julius, where are you, kid? Right here This meat, have you gone crazy? What do you mean crazy? A guy buys them easily Five thousand pounds of meat and right away There's something wrong with them Oh, you and Frankie, do the darnedest thing Now, where are you gonna keep all this meat? All right, all right, just calm down I've thought of that I bought a big walk-in freezer and it's being delivered today Is that what that big cabinet is that just came? Gee, I'm disappointed Why? I thought it was a gas chamber for you and Mr. Remley Well, as long as you bought a freezer, start putting the meat in it And do it fast All right, honey, all right, we'll do it Come on, Remley, let's get busy No, wait a minute, Curly Before we do anything, we'd better test the freezer And see if it's working properly Otherwise, the meat will spoil I know that, I know that But we have to put some meat in there To see if it's working I know But, uh, why waste good meat when we got Julius? Let's put him in first If it ain't working, we got nothing to lose He's half spoiled anyway I ain't going to work How are we going to get him in there? Yeah, you'll leave it to me Oh, Julius I want you to do something for me You can save your brother I'm going in there anyway Grab him, Frankie Throw him in that freezer Come on, kid I don't need a knife Come on in there Get in there Wait, shove him in there, shove him There, he's in there Now you put the plug in, Remley While I put the control on Plug's in, Curly Now let me see The control says low, medium And high What'll we give him? The full treatment Quick, freeze him Yeah It'd be cruel to let him linger, huh? Here we go What's that hissing? That's the cold air Meeting his hot little body Hey, how are we going to know If this thing's working or not? Yeah, you keep your eye on Julius If he turns blue, we'll know Yeah Hey, hey, Frankie Look, it's working The wind is starting to frost up Yeah, look at Julius He's... He's taking his clothes off He's taking his clothes off in a freezer? Hey, Frankie You better get him out of there That cold's affecting his brain Yeah, okay, okay Hey, Julius, you okay, kid? How can you get roasted in a freezer? This ain't no freezer What are you talking about? I bought it from I.J. Grogan And I know what I bought Curly When it comes to freezers I know more than anybody else Curly I know that... What do you want? You may know what you're doing But did you see the sign On the inside of your freezer? What sign? This steam room is the property of the YMCA Folks, this is Phil again It's not too late to join the March of Dimes The little victims of polio Have two strikes against them But they're fighting hard Don't let them strike out Send your dimes and dollars To your local March of Dimes headquarters Now hurry up and say good night, Alice So I can listen to head of Hopper's program Good night, everybody Good night, thank you This program was produced and directed By Paul Phillips Included in today's cast Were Sheldon Leonard and Frank Nelson The part of Frankie Remily was played by Elliot Lewis And Julius was played by Walter Tetley Now enjoy Head of Hopper Then it's Gary Cooper on Theatre Guild On NBC