 The Jack Benny program. The Princess of California, starring Jack Benny, with Mary-Lennyson Rochester, Dennis A. Box, Bosby, and the first crew in the dog world. Ladies and gentlemen, as you probably know, our little star is currently appearing here in San Francisco at the Curran Theater. At popular prices. Continue, Don. It has been said that Jack Benny has made more people laugh in this town than any other comedian. That's right. And now I'd like to bring you the man who said it, Jack Benny! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, considering that we're doing this show away from our hometown, I don't think that was much of an introduction. Frankly, Jack, I don't care what I say about you. What? You heard me. Why should I say nice things about a man who's going to fire me? For heaven's sake, I'm not going to fire you. Then why did you buy me a one-way ticket to San Francisco? Because I couldn't get reservations back. Look, if you don't believe me, then get your own transportation back to Los Angeles and charge it to me. Okay, I'm going to make reservations for my return trip on the TWA bus. Bus? Look down, the TWA is an aeroplane. It flies. Not when I'm on it. That's right, Don. When you're on a plane, it's a bus. When you're on a train, it's a subway. You can change anything. Oh, hello, Bob. Hello, Jack. How are you, folks? Say, I'm sorry I'm late, Jack, but I was writing a letter to my wife, and I didn't notice what time it was. Oh, that's all right, Bob. Sure, Mr. Family, I was so lonely, I felt like calling June and having her fly up here with all the kids. Well, why didn't you? Oh, I don't know. Two weeks in a hotel with my wife and five kids. Gee, that could run into quite a bit of money. But, Bob, you're with me. You miss your wife and five children. I insist that you call them and haven't come up here. I'll pay for it. The trip? No, the call. Anyway, if you're lonesome, Bob, occupy your time. Go around. See the sight. Oh, that's what I've been doing for the past few days with the boys in the band. Oh, good. Are the fellas getting a kick out of San Francisco? Yeah, humbly. I think this town has Remly confused. Frankie? Frankie, confused? Yeah, we were all walking along Market Street, and we came to the corner of Market and Paul. Do you know where they turn the cable cars around? Oh, yes, yes, I've seen those turns, David. So, Remly took one look at it and yelled, Hey, dig that crazy record player. No. Yeah, he stayed there for five days. He wasn't going to leave till he played doggie in the window. Remly wouldn't leave. What did you do? Well, we got the motorman to bark three times and Frankie was happy. Well, that is one of the silliest things. Come in. Hello, Jack. Well, Giselle McKenzie. Hey, fellas, you know Giselle, don't you? Oh, certainly, Jack. She's appearing with you at the current theater here in San Francisco. At popular prices. She's very good, too. Hey, Jack, I just dropped in to see if you had that arrangement for the new number you want me to try on Saturday's matinee. Oh, my goodness, I forgot it. I'll tell you what, Giselle, I'll call my hotel and have Rochester bring the arrangement over to you. Well, I'll be at the theater. Tell him to call my dressing room before he comes. You? You have a phone in your dressing room at the current theater? Yes, I asked the manager for one and he put it in. That's funny. I asked the manager to put a phone in my dressing room and he turned me down. Hmm. I mean, what have you got that I haven't got? Nothing, but I'm supposed to walk that way. Go out in the hall and call Rochester. There's a phone booth out there. I'll be right back. See that, Giselle, is a cute girl. So pretty, too. I think she likes me. Last night, after the show, she came into my dressing room and ran her fingers through my hair. Boy, was she surprised when I walked in and caught her doing it. I think I'll have one made out of mink. Women love mink. Hmm, there's someone in the phone booth. Did you make her call, Jack? No, no, there was someone in the booth I'll call later. Well, then I'd better run along. Oh, just a minute, Giselle. You don't think the audience here is going to let you get away without singing a song, do you? But Jack, my contract with you calls for me to appear with you at the current theater, not to sing on your radio show. Oh, you're mistaken, Giselle. You see, the contract specifies that you're to sing on my radio program, too. It's the last clause. Oh, so that's what the Chinese writing was. Yes, my lawyer is one long loophole. Now go ahead and sing, honey. It's very hard to do, the world is more... Thank you for appearing on my program. Oh, you want your money, eh? Honey, I like that. I just took a wild guess. You know, that's real huge, Giselle. You know, folks, we had the toughest time getting that Chinese line past the censor, you know. Anyway, oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Hi, kid. How are you enjoying yourself here in San Francisco? Oh, fine, Jack. But the funniest thing happened yesterday. What was it? I got on the cable car at the corner of Mark and Paul, and when I gave my fair to the motorman, he barked at me three times. No. If you don't believe me, ask Bramley. He was lying right there on the sidewalk. Mary, a man with his eyes closed is not a witness. Oh, hello, Giselle. Hello, Mary. Giselle, have you been having a good time in San Francisco? Oh, wonderful time, Mary. I've been everywhere. By the way, have you been up to the top of the market? Well, Jack promised to take me up, but he still hasn't. No, I'm a little afraid to go up there. I get dizzy, you know. So, hi. Jack, it is me. He's talking about the prices. Oh, stop. Hey, Jack, when are you going to get me that musical arrangement? Do you want me to rehearse? Oh, yes. Excuse me, kid. I'm going out and phone the hotel. When you say I beg your pardon, then I'll come back to you. When you ask me? Oh, good. There's no one in the phone booth. Now, let's see. What's the number of the Fairmont Hotel? Oh, yes. Douglas 28800. In San Francisco... Operator, I'd like to speak to... Every room, national apartment, vital suites, coffee shop, and spacious lobby. Operator, I'd like to talk... Elevator service, room service, tailor shop, jewelry shop... Operator, I'd like to... Operator, will you please get me the... Maybe weekly race, monthly race, and travel again. Now, look, look... In San Francisco, the only place to live is a Fairmont Hotel, Knob Hill, overlooking the Bay. Operator, operator, I'm trying to get... Stop! She's a Fairmont operator. That was my last dime. I'll have to go back in the studio and borrow one. Uh, do you like to call Jack? No, I had trouble with the operator, and I used my last dime. I'd like to try using your first one. Has anybody got a dime? There you are, Jack. Thanks, I'll be right back. What are you laughing at, Mary? You know, Bob, Jack always has trouble wherever he goes. Well, I didn't know he had any trouble here in San Francisco. Oh, then you don't know what happened to him yesterday morning. No. Jack was asleep in his suite at the hotel, and Rochester was getting ready to wake him up. Go in and wake the boys up. Let me put my arms around you. Come here, Marilyn. Kiss me. Oh, not so good. That dog in the next room was whining all night. Imagine a dog being in the next room. Well, you better get dressed, boys. You'll be late for your rehearsal. Oh, I've been so busy, I forgot. Well, I better... Okay. Operator, get me room service, please. Yes, sir, I want to wear my blue suit tonight at the theater, so please press it, will ya? Well, boys, you know there's balance service in this hotel, don't you? Of course I know, but what do you think I've got you for? Me? Yes, you. Well, listen alphabetically. Attendant, actor. Look. More timbers than the federal government. Now stop with that talk and start pressing my blue suit. Okay. Doorman, dishwasher, dust... Lock it, sir. Stop complaining. You... You don't do so much. All I know is anytime somebody asks me to shake their hands, I gotta put something down. Now, you know that's not true. Anyway, I've got to... Come in. Room service, what your breakfast for, huh? Oh, good, good. Put it right here. Oh, good. Put it right here on the table, huh? Here, it looks good, and I'm really hungry. Okay, sir, and here's the check. Oh. Now, let's see. What? A dollar and forty cents? Why, that's outrageous. Want me to call you lawyer? You know, one long loophole is out of town. Waiter, how in the world could this be a dollar and forty cents? That's a thirty-five cents for orange juice. Isn't that awfully high? Well, you see, sir, we don't grow oranges here. They come from Florida. So what? I don't have to pay for their vacation. Well, I'm just a waiter, sir. I don't have anything to do with the prices. Now, look at this, two eggs, sixty cents. Do you realize that's thirty cents an egg? Yes, sir. Thirty cents for one little egg. What's in an egg that could make it worth thirty cents? Well, it's a whole day's work for a chicken. That's a very old joke. Well, I thought it was funny when I heard it last night at the current theater. At the current theater? At popular prices. Now, let's see, twenty cents for a pot of coffee. Well, that's all right. Hey, what's that extra quarter for? That's a twenty-five cent charge for seven meals in a room. Well, open the door. I'll eat it out in the hall. Well, that won't help, sir. All right, all right. I didn't order anything to have with my coffee. Waiter, what would you suggest? Well, we have donuts, Spanish pastry, French toast, and cimeron rolls. Oh, never mind. I'll drink my coffee without anything. Okay, goodbye. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Here's a tip for you. Oh, boy, this is wonderful. This is marvelous. Thank you. Thank you so much. You're so very generous. Wait a minute. I only gave you a nickel. I know, but when you're not happy, jack-o-per-it and... Silly guy. Now, Rochester, let's just... I wonder what he forgot. Come in. Hello, Jack. Oh, Mary, I thought you were the waiter. I didn't expect to see you at a rehearsal. Well, I came over because I wanted to see you alone. Why, anything wrong? I'm sorry, but I was looking at the script for Sunday's program. And, Jack, I wish you'd tell your writers to stop writing things about my sister, Babe. She's sensitive. But, Mary... Like the thing they've got in this script. I'm supposed to say that it takes Babe longer to make up her face because she has the power of her noses. But, Mary, it's just a joke. If they want a joke, let them make up something. All right, I'll speak to them. Apologize to Babe. And another thing. I noticed in going through the script that you planned to play your violin on the program. That's right. I'm going to play my violin. Again? Again. Oh, Jack. Nobody wants to hear you play love and bloom. Mary, I've learned a new one. It's called pretend. Now, wait, I'll get my violin and I'll play it for you. Yeah, it is, boss. Gentlemen, that concludes another program. And next Sunday we'll be doing another broadcast from San Francisco. I want to thank you, Zelma Kenzie, for appearing on my show tonight. It was a pleasure, Jack. And don't forget to tell the people about your stage show. Oh, yes, ladies and gentlemen. We'll still be at the current theater for another week. At popular prices. Oh, yes, yes. Good night, boss. The United States Armed Forces Radio Service.