 Hello, everybody. Hello, hello. Welcome to the next podcast, Lovecast, that I'm doing here for you guys. This is Kelly from House of Ergo. This is going to be your next topic in the Love Attachment Style series that I'm doing. This will be the final one for now unless there's more I might want to do. We're taking a look at Secure, the Secure Attachment Style. So I'll just give you guys a moment to pop in the chat here, and we'll have a little chit chat about that and see what's going on. If you are able to hear me, please do give me a thumbs up here in the stream just so I can make sure that everything is... Hello, everyone. Welcome to your Lovecast podcast. Hope everybody's doing well. This is going to be today's topic. We're talking about the Secure Attachment Style in relationship. So if you could give me a quick thumbs up, let me know that you can hear me okay? So we can get started. Great. Great, great, great. I'm going to go ahead and get started. So over the week, we've been looking at three attach... Well, we looked at the last two attachment styles, which were the avoidant attachment style, and then we looked on Wednesday at the anxious attachment style. And I'll post links in the comment after the video's over if you need to go back and listen to those. Today we're going to talk about the Secure Attached Love Style in relationship. So a brief summary. The avoidant and the anxious had one main thing in common, and that had to do with their fear of abandonment issues, fear of rejection. And these... These are great fears. These are extreme great fears where the avoidant won't get too close, won't open up, be openly vulnerable with their partner because there's a great fear that if they get close and open up, then they become a target for hurt, pain, rejection and abandonment. So they will do what we call deactivating strategies. They will find ways to not get close. They'll put obstacles in the path to progress. Yet they won't leave the relationship fully. They will want to stay connected. The anxious, on the other hand, while having the same type of fear of rejection and abandonment will actually do everything they can to secure the relationship to avoid that happening. Okay? So over texting, over investing, obsessive thinking. Now there's a few other things attached to these attachment styles. There's, I believe, the fearful avoidant. There's also the, I'm sorry, the fearful anxious attached. There's also the dismissive. There's a lot more that's involved in it. But I just wanted to touch on those first two things. And as you listen, you can try to identify if you have either one of those attachment styles. And once you learn about and identify which attachment style you may have, then you could begin the path of healing to become more secure. So whether you're avoiding or anxiously attached, we want to become more securely attached within ourselves and within relationships. So today we're going to take a look at the securely attached. And I have a book that I am referencing from called Attached by Amir Levine. There is a picture there that you can, you can search for the book. It's anywhere. I'm not getting any commission or anything from this book. I just find it to be a valuable tool to use if you are struggling or in a run or chaser type of twin flame or soulmate. It's generally not a soulmate thing, but type of twin flame difficulty type of relationship. And it's really just another piece of the pie, right? So let's just get into the securely attached. So I'll reference some things from the book that I have here. Securely attached people are very centered. So they're not really, they don't have a fear of getting becoming open. They don't run away and securely attached people don't chase either. So they're somewhere right there in the middle. They're quite centered, you know, they're stable, they're quite grounded, they're confident within themselves. They don't over worry. They don't have an excessive need to be one way or the other. They just kind of stand still where they are and they feel secure within themselves. And you know, what makes people like this? Sometimes people tend to think that securely attached people might be quite boring. There's no drama with securely attached, securely attached people. There's there's no drama. The relationship is quite smooth generally, you know, it's it's not too far left, not too far right, it's not too high, not too low. There's there's a there's a nice temperance. It's well tempered. This type of attachment style. So avoidance avoidance and anxiously attached people don't generally get into relationships with securely attached people, not because of anything other than there's a need that doesn't really get met anxiously attached and avoidant types usually are with each other. They usually find each other. But securely attached people can be in relationships with anxious or avoidant types, right? Because securely attached people don't really get swayed one way or the other. An anxious person could be in a relationship with someone who's steady and stable and may think that they're they could be a bit avoidant. And an avoidant person could be involved with a secure person and may think that they are not chasing after them enough. You know, an avoidant wants that an avoidant wants that person to chase when the avoidant pulls away. But when the avoidant comes back, the avoidant doesn't want the anxious to chase. So let's get into it a little a little bit more here. There's there's very little drama, as I said, in a romantic relationship with a securely attached person. So like I said, there's no highs and lows. There's no yoyos, no roller coasters or anything like that. So basically it's calm. It's a calm connection. If you're anxiously attached, you might require that or need that. And you should be involved more so with someone who's more secure if you're anxiously attached. But I will say that you're going to learn a lot. You definitely would learn a lot to be involved with people like that. Securely attached people, like their emotional system doesn't get in too riled up in the face of any kind of threat, like how the anxious would feel, but doesn't get shut down either as the avoidant is. Okay. Securely attached people don't generally go to seek help. But then they generally don't not go to seek help in the relationships. Anxious attached people generally always do. And avoidants typically don't. Okay. So secure individuals, people with the secure attachment style, maintain high levels of relationship satisfaction, commitment and trust. Where insecure types report decreasing levels of all three over a particular amount of time. There is an interesting thing here in this book that talks about what happens with the securely attached and the insecurely attached interact. They can function very well. So if you're anxious attached or you're avoiding, you can function well with someone who's securely attached and vice versa. But there will be a times it'll definitely be a growth process because when whether you're avoiding or or anxiously attached is something about a secure person that gives you a sense of safety and trust. And I feel like the goal here for everybody who is coming from or has developed an insecure attachment is to try to get more secure. And that's really why I'm making these podcasts because I think that's really important and important. So here's some things about the secure attached style. And you can see if this is something that you identify with. So securely attached people are great conflict busters. They during a fight, they don't feel the need to act defensively or to injure or punish their partner. And so they prevent any situation from escalating. Okay, they're mentally flexible. They're not threatened by criticism. They're willing to reconsider their ways. And if necessary, revise their beliefs and strategies securely attached people are effective communicators. They expect others to be understanding and responsive. So expressing their feelings freely and accurately to their partners comes naturally to them. Okay, so they don't have that fear that they're going to be rejected. If they express how they feel or they tell the other person or that the person's going to run away or leave them, you know, securely attached people don't play games. They're not game players. They want closeness. And they believe others want the same. So why would they have a need to play any kind of games with anyone? They're comfortable with closeness. And they're unconcerned about boundaries. So what that means is they seek intimacy and they aren't afraid of being enmeshed. Because they aren't overwhelmed by a fear of being slighted, as anxiously attached are, or the need to deactivate or run away as the avoidance are, they find it easy to enjoy closeness, whether physical or emotional. Securely attached people are quick to forgive. They assume their partner's intentions are good, and therefore likely to forgive them when they do something harmful. Okay, securely attached people are inclined to view sex and emotional intimacy as one. They don't need to create distance by separating the two, which is by being close either emotionally or sexually, but not both. They can be emotionally attached and sexually attached at the same time. They treat their partners like loyalty. I'm sorry, royalty and with loyalty. When you become part of their inner circle, they treat you with love and respect. Securely attached people are secure in their power to improve the relationship. They are confident in their positive beliefs about themselves and others, which makes this assumption logical. They feel responsible for their partner's well-being. They expect others to be responsive and loving toward them. And so they are responsive to the other person's needs, to their partner's needs. Many people who live with insecure partners cannot even begin to imagine how fundamentally different life with a secure person can be. For starters, they don't engage in the relationship dance where one partner gets closer while the other steps back in order to maintain a certain distance in the relationship at all times. And that is the dance of the anxious and the avoidant. That is the runner chaser dance. Okay, instead, there's a feeling of growing closeness and intimacy. Second, they are able to sensitively and empathetically, empathically, excuse me, and most importantly, coherently discuss their emotions with you. Last, the secure party engulfs his or her partner in an emotionally protective shield that makes facing the outside world an easier task. Just imagine how scary that could feel for someone who is anxiously or avoidantly attached. It's interesting. It's such an oxymoron to say avoidant attachment style. But understand that it's still they're still attached. They're just very avoidant in the relationship. But imagine how scary the fear, the overwhelming fear that someone who is anxious would feel about opening up and sharing all of their demons and getting emotionally close. Even though they want that, the fear of being abandoned or judged or rejected and the same for the avoidant, how difficult that must be to find someone and be able to open and tell all of your inner stuff, your gluey, gooey gut stuff too, and then be faced with the task of being rejected or criticized for things like that because that is something that happened to both of the insecure attached styles. They both somewhere in their life faced harsh criticism. They were given the message that it's not safe to connect with others or to attach and some want it so much that they will even tend to attach themselves to people that are unsafe. So it's a scary thing. It could be very scary and it's a difficult road, but it can be done. Healing can happen. Absolutely. It's no coincidence that the people most appreciative of the secure relationship are those who have relationships with both secure and insecure partners. Though these people will tell you that secure and insecure relationships are worlds apart without the knowledge of attachment theory, they too are unable to put their finger on what exactly the difference is. Okay. So there's ways to become secure within self, but I feel like if you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, it's really just a matter of relearning, restarting, starting your life over in relationships and applying different things, different strategies. Because if you if you're someone who's suffered in relationships or you've had a lot of relationships that never really panned out and just keep cycling, you keep recycling. It's really just about changing strategies and changing the way you do things in your relationships because whether you're avoidant or anxiously attached, there's a tremendous amount of suffrage that comes with that. And those things that you've done in the past, it's time really to change them is how I feel it's going on here. So tapping into the secure mindset. And so the goal is for you to become secure within yourself. It's not for you to make your partner secure. Generally, when you become secure within yourself, the people around you will begin to notice that they will begin to feel safe with you. Okay, whether you're avoidant or anxious, when you become secure, the people around you will begin to notice that it's safe to be around you. They'll notice that if they say something, they're not walking on eggshells with you. They'll notice that you're not going to blow up, you'll not be hypersensitive to things. They'll also notice that you're not going to run away or walk away from them when they try to talk to you. Okay, wherever you fall in the spectrum of insecurity. So one of the most important roles we play in our partner's lives is providing a secure base, creating the conditions that enable our partners to pursue their interests and explore the world in confidence. You can provide a secure base by becoming secure within yourself. And what that looks like looks like is becoming more available or just being available, responding sensitively to your partner's distress, allowing them to be dependent on you and they feel the need, checking in with them from time to time and providing comfort when things go wrong. Also don't interfere. Provide behind the scenes support for your partner's endeavors, help in a way that leaves them with the initiative and the feeling of power. Allow them to do their own thing without trying to take over the situation, micromanage or undermine their confidence and abilities. Encourage, provide encouragement and be accepting of their learning and personal growth goals boost their self esteem. And I'll say you guys, this isn't just in romantic relationships. This is just in relationships in general. Okay, this could be with siblings. This could be with family members, friends, colleagues, like and also romantic partners is to become secure across the board within yourself. Okay, does this mean that secures are immune to relationship problems? No, not at all. Because at the end of the day, everybody's human and everybody has emotions and thoughts. Okay. So when you're becoming more secure within yourself, you will begin to identify people who have insecure attachment styles. It's kind of hard to see it. When you're not feeling secure within self, when you begin to feel secure within yourself and you feel more grounded and and you can trust yourself, you'll begin to identify those who are not that way in your life, you know, because when you start healing, the smoke begins to clear, the smoke screen dissipates. So if you're single and you've been working on yourself and you've been doing, you know, the shadow work and facing your demons, putting them to rest and becoming more stronger and more secure in yourself, you could be at that place in your life now where you're looking to find a relationship with someone who is pretty much in alignment or on the same page as you as far as relationally, as far as being more secure. Okay, nobody's perfect. So we're not looking for perfection. We're just looking for a path to healing in progress. So finding the right partner the secure way. There's certain principles which are employed intuitively by people with a secure attachment style. And these are things that I feel like as you're making changes in your life as well, you will be able to spot smoking guns very early on and treat certain things as dealbreakers. That's really important. You have to have dealbreakers in your relationships. And you have to be aware of what they are. And I'm not talking about dealbreakers like, you know, you text your partner and then they don't take some five minutes to text back. Those really aren't shouldn't be dealbreakers because somebody could be driving, somebody could have their phone on the nightstand and they could be in the shower, you know, or they could be on the other line or maybe their phone died. And I'm not saying that those should be excuses, but I think dealbreakers should be more along the lines of character traits, not so much the little things that people do because then that's nitpicking and micromanaging and even for people who are avoidant, avoidants tend to also, they won't love so much. They also don't, they tend not to have dealbreakers maybe even at all. They tend to have just take whoever comes through, but then as soon as somebody comes through, then they start developing dealbreakers, which are nitpicking dealbreakers. Avoidants will definitely turn around and say you're too needy or, you know, or tell someone that they're, they're too, oh, they just look for excuses, any kind of excuse or any kind of reason to not facilitate growth in the relationship, right? So, but these are nitpicking things. These are not character traits, integrity, loyalty, honesty, trust, these things that yeah, or making assumptions. Yeah, these are, these are what the dealbreakers should be. Not that the toothpaste keeps getting left on the, on the off the tube or that the toilet seat keeps getting left, you know, left up or, or whatever. It should be like dealbreakers. If, if somebody's lying, that's a dealbreaker. How can you build with a liar? That foundation is cracks. You know, so the secure attachment understands that the importance of effectively communicating needs from day one. Communication, effective communication without that is generally a relationship that's built on assumption. If people are not communicating openly and honestly, without criticism, but expressing what it is that they need from somebody because that's you're allowed to do that. If somebody is not openly doing that, or two people are not able to have effective communication, which communication is not just talking, communication is also listening. So if someone's not able to even hear what their partner is saying, then they're failing in their communication because they're not attempting to understand and ask questions and, and really just try to get an understanding. And it's also about not being able to speak up and say, you know, sometimes it's the energy of like, you know, I, you know, like you could say, quote unquote, I really love you, but I don't feel like my needs are being met here. And a secure partner will respond generally with I'm, I didn't know. And thank you for sharing me and sharing this with me. And what can I do to help get the needs, your needs met, you know, there's, there's an understanding and respect between people. So secure people subscribe to the, to the belief that there are many potential partners who could make them happy. They're not honed in on just one person. They're not obsessive. They don't believe that the one person that they're with is the only person they will ever be with for their entire life. Okay. And that goes for the same with the twin flame thing. You know, we talk about twin flame and a lot of you do tend to succumb to the belief that your twin flame is a necessity that you must be with them. No, it's not. It's an identifiable thing. But it does not mean that because this person's your twin flame, even if they are avoidant or dismissive or anxious or whatever their issue is that they have going on or if they're abusive or things, it doesn't mean, oh, they're my twin flame, I have to be with them. It's just, it's a given. I just know that they are in this person meant to be with, not necessarily. And as you go through your growth process, you become more secure, you'll be coming to a place where you'll realize, okay, I do recognize this person as someone that I do truly feel a bond with, and I do truly care for, but our relationship is not working. And so we're in separation, or it can't work because one partner is not trying to put the effort in. No matter how much, how secure you do your dark, your shadow work, no matter how secure, secure you become, your partner will see that you are becoming more of a safe person to be with. However, if they're not willing to participate in their own growth, you really, you have to stop there and take a look and say, okay, well, I'm changing. I do love them, but if they're not going to participate, then what can I do? Okay, what really can you do? Secure people never take blame for a date's offensive behavior. When a partner acts inconsiderately or hurtfully, secure is acknowledged that it says a lot about the other person rather than about themselves. So if, if a secure person is in a relationship with someone who does offensive things like doesn't follow through isn't consistent. There's a lot of different things over, over calling over texting, things that would be things that would not seem normal behavior. Secure people don't take this personally. They don't take it upon themselves and say, Oh, it's because of me that this person is doing it. They secure people own their own shit. They don't own everybody else's shit. So they basically will turn around and say, Okay, I see what's going on here. I feel like they're acting out of their own core. They're not acting out of anything I've said or done. Even if they may try to blame me for it. They're not taking responsibility for their for their actual for their actions, right? Because as we always say, it's the actions that are more important than the reason why. So, you know, if somebody says that they haven't called you in three weeks, because ABC or D secure people don't listen to the intentions or the reasons secure people look at the actions and they will say, Well, you know, okay, I hear what you're saying, but it doesn't take away from the fact that I haven't heard from you. And there really should only be two reasons why somebody can't pick up the phone to call you or find a way to call. And that generally comes down to either they're in a coma of sorts in the hospital, like or their have or their deceased, you know, it's your right, especially as a secure person to expect to be treated well, right, to expect to be respected, and to expect to be told, you know, what if you're in a relationship with someone, if someone does something offensive to right to say, I deserve that. But a secure person will not own it. They won't take it personally. They'll say, Okay, this is this says a lot about who you are as a person. And that really doesn't coincide with how I choose to be in my relationships with other people. Okay. And again, secure people expect to be treated with respect and tea and love. And if you are not expecting that from others, then you may not be at the place yet where you are secure enough within yourself. Right. And that's fine. If you are anxiously attached, or you haven't avoid an attachment, so these are healing things. These are things where as you go through your relationships, your life, your past experiences, you bring yourself back up to neutral, you want to be in a neutral state. People who tell you that they enjoy the drama, and the rollercoaster life of relationships are not secure people, they're very insecure. And they're people who are not facing themselves and their shadows. And believe me, when you're on that rollercoaster, and I know you know, you're going to get whipped off them things and smash into a wall at some point. And that's a very painful experience for those, especially for those who have never experienced that before. Now, here's the thing. When I say like secure people don't do these things, it's not it's not basically like written in stone. As I said before, secures are they're pretty grounded, but they're human. Okay. So if you're secure, but you start to feel agitated, worried or jealous, which are anxious traits, or if you find yourself thinking twice before expressing your feelings, or are becoming less trusting of or starting to play games with your partner, which are avoidant treats. It's a huge warning sign and very likely that you're with the wrong person, or that you've been through a difficult experience that has shaken the core of your secure foundation. Life events such as the loss of a loved one in illness or divorce can cause these shifts. So a lot of times there can be people who come into relationships secure, and they could be with someone who has an insecure style about them. And that deteriorates the other person. There's often this quote where people say never get never never get into a relationship with an insecure person because it will drag you down. And there's a truth about that. People who are very insecure play a lot of manipulation games. They play a lot of games and they do the whole jealousy thing. They do the gossip. It's very, very unhealthy. If you find that you're identifying the person you're with is one of those insecure attachment styles, it's really important that you pay attention to that and see how you may have been blaming yourself for why your person is the way they are. Or you may be, like I said, owning it and have become very insecure in that relationship. If you're still in the relationship, remember that just because you can get along with anyone, if you're if you're becoming secure, that doesn't mean you have to. If you're unhappy after having tried every way to make things work, chances are that you should move on. It's in your best interest to end a dysfunctional relationship rather than get stuck forever with the wrong person just because you're secure. If you've experienced loss of an attachment figure for whatever reason, remember that it wasn't your set of beliefs that were to blame and it is well worth holding on to them. It is better to find a way to heal the wounds and maintain the hope that there are other people out there who share your need for intimacy and closeness. You can be happy again. Okay, so that's just a little bit of a caveat there to let you know, like, you know, can your insecure person become more insecure because become more secure because that's you're doing your work and you're you're showing that in the relationship now. Yes, they can. Will they? It's it's the exception to the rule. You generally need to get into position of saving yourself first because your soul, your soul is invaluable. And people who are insecure are soul destroyers. And that's toxicity. Those I don't care if it's your twin flame. I don't care. I do not care. I don't think there's a reader on YouTube anywhere that will ever say to you, well, this person is extremely abusive, and they're probably hitting you or calling your names or playing games or making jealous jealousy or cheating on you. Yes, they're your twin flame. And I think the love is wonderful. I don't I don't I've never heard a reader on here say that. So I feel like if you have that in your head that Oh, this is my person. And it's meant to be you might be anxiously attached and go back to my anxiously attached video and listen to the things that were said in there. Try to identify where you are there on that spectrum and get that healing in. And if you're in a relationship with someone and you're not sure and you start that process of healing, take that time to make yourself a priority. Nobody says you have to leave the relationship unless of course you being it's very seriously awful, like very, very bad. You can't. It's very difficult to heal in a war zone. Usually the first priority is to get out of the war zone. The shots being fired at you so that you can get your healing. But some people I know are not able to. And so they need to call in a lot of extra support. So I feel like secure securely attached people. They call them the super mates of evolution, right? These are the super soul mates. Okay, interesting. There's, maybe I'll do, if I come on Saturday, there's also something called the anxious avoidant trap, which is probably what a lot of you are in. Those who or have experienced that and got out of it and don't know what the hell that was. There is a little chapter here on that and I might just go into that. I don't think I'm going to go into that tonight, but I might just go into that probably Saturday, if not on Monday. Okay, so I know there's not that many people in here, but if anybody has any questions, feel free to ask. Hi, TJ. Hello, Joanne. Hey, Gerald. Hey, Secret Grace. Hello, Brenda. Hi, Peruse. Hi, Streamlabs. Hey, George. Hello, Siobhan. Yeah, I think maybe we'll do that. I'll try to do it Saturday, if not I will definitely do it for Monday and we'll get into that. But I will encourage you all to get this book. It's called Attached by Amir Levine and if you are on a journey of healing, I believe this could be part of your healing if you're in some therapy. You have a therapist and you're not talking about that. See if your therapist knows all about the attachment theory. See what your therapist thinks about that, or if you're under some type of therapy to care. Maybe join some groups. You can join some groups on attachment theory. You can also, there's a lot of information online. There's a lot of videos on YouTube that talk about the attachment theory and in this book, as I said in the last two Love Casts, there's many little tests that you can take here where you can, whether your partner is with you right now or not. If your partner is with you, you can ask your partner to take the test to help them identify what their attachment style is. Or you could possibly, you could take the test for them, you know, if you're not with them, to try to give you some insight. Because there is some stuff in here. If you've been in a relationship with someone that will help you be able to assess where they are on that attachment spectrum, you can also take a test for yourself to see what your attachment style is. And you know, it'll be helpful because it kind of gives you some clarity, you know, because it helps you to get to know yourself better and those around you from an attachment perspective. Right? So it's like a questionnaire. You can probably take some of this stuff online as well. But yeah, very interesting stuff so I'm going to leave that there with you if you need to re-listen to the video again to get a little more information or to be able to process better. So just to cat, anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back. Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness, secure people, feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. Okay? So that's going to be it. I will see you. Oh, TJ has a question. Cal, how possible is it to be in all three styles? I'm not with anyone but I've picked up little things of all three. Well, if you're in all three styles of avoidant, I'd say, if you, do you mean all three styles with one person? In one relationship you've exhibited all three styles? I'd say that relationship was very unhealthy because when you are secure within yourself, I'd say that the relationship that you're in was extremely toxic because if you're secure within yourself, you really wouldn't be veering too far off center. Yeah, yeah, like what I was saying before, a secure person can have some of these protesting behaviors or deactivating strategies but they're usually based on some very serious things that are happening in that connection, in that relationship. Yeah, it's made you very insecure. If you've been secure and then you found yourself in all three styles, it's made you become insecure in that relationship and you need to find a way to get back to center or with several different ones. Then it sounds like you have probably an anxious, it sounds like you have an anxious attachment style, TJ, because anxious attachment will be very much trying to reconnect that relationship in whatever ways. It sounds like you were anxious and then you probably at times created distance or became avoidant as a tool to get your partner back or punishing. If you were avoidant, you probably wouldn't be either all unless it could go deeper, you could have a fearful attachment style. So it really depends also to which degree you've been in all three styles. I don't, I think if we're only the insecure would take traits from people that hurt us unless you became insecure and then you would accept those traits. Secure people are pretty sure of themselves and as I said they are able to separate somebody's issues from, they don't, they don't tend to own another person's issues. The way somebody else treats them they don't tend to pick up on those behaviors. See, and I even say this in relationships with the the narcissist quote unquote, a narcissist can't do anything to you that you don't allow them to do to you. A lot of times people think the narcissist is this big bag boogie man, the narcissist is very insecure okay and insecure people cannot affect secure people unless of course it's there, secure people are allowing themselves. I just don't generally see secure people getting in relationships with narcissists because I feel like secure people can spot them a mile away. You know there's never anything to fear about getting out there and dating and to fear you might come across because when you become secure it's like you're securing the fort, you know, you're fortifying the fort, you're building a moat, you secure people are they're open and they're vulnerable but they're also secure than themselves to know when and when when and where to do that you know so yeah but I'm a ready bear to tell a man yeah I think that it's really important that's right you detach from insecurity yeah you have to just be careful when you're around insecure types you know because they really do play manipulative games with people today I think I'm actually stable but I think I'm still fearful to a small degree are you are you in a relation you're not with anyone right now right I think you said TJ did you say that you know I have to say like the easiest thing to do is learn to be secure when you're not in a relationship but it's when you're in a relationship with someone who's insecure that's a tough battle yeah I encourage always encourage you to get back into the field to not avoid it is what I mean I'm not talking about the rate and speed with which you should start dating again but I don't think you should avoid relationships okay because you know we're that's too overprotective of yourself right you're never really going to know your progress and how much you've changed and how much growth you've had if you avoid feedback and relationships are all about feedback people are always going to reflect back to us who we are what we do what we think and relationships with people are greatest tool for learning they help us gauge us and you know where we are in our our growth and we should always be growing there should never be a time where okay I've arrived I don't need to do it anymore and now we're gonna live happily ever after there's always something to learn yeah manipulation is a huge deal breaker for me oh manipulation yeah I mean it's funny because I once heard say someone saying I agree with this manipulation in itself is not bad it depends on the attention of the manipulation so for example you know when you get up in the morning you brush your hair if you have hair so you you brush your hair so you're using a tool to manipulate your hair to a particular way so you look better right or so you look for whatever your reason that's not a negative um manipulation very much the same as manifestation um manifesting things manipulating things to go your way in your life in a positive direction not a bad thing um manipulation being used as a tool or a tactic against another human being trying to manifest a person of particular into your life that's that's a negative manipulation and that right there um that's where the old saying be careful what you wish for because you just might get it you know hey authentic how are you it should never happen anyway yeah I found that to be really interesting yeah it's just like the magician in the upright versus the magician in the reverse you know the magician in the upright it's it's like um it's like a magician up down on the stage he's initially initially he's manipulating everyone with tricks to make them laugh to make them to get a reaction out of them but it's a positive thing he's not trying to hurt anybody um but like a magician in the reverse is someone who is um is secretive and cunning and is intentionally doing something to harm others emotional blackmail oh yeah yeah um that's a tactic of an insecure person 100% you know identify um is that person um an avoidance do they have an avoidant attachment style or they do they have an anxious attachment style you know um and if if you're able to even see that if you're able to call emotional blackmail out right away that means that you do have a secure attachment style you're able to see it and not be a part of it you're able to observe from the outside not be a part of it and you're able to um identify for yourself oh that's what's happening oh this person's trying to blackmail me with emotion with emotional you know it's when you give in in some way you know um secure people are it's like they're detached but they're not they're just neutral you know they're like they're they have an inner inner circle secure people have an inner circle and they only let um the people into their inner circle their inner world that they feel they can trust that they know that this is a secure person coming in most of the time people have their doors wide open and you know anxious and avoidance tend to have avoidance generally have their doors sealed shut and anxious to have their doors wide open um but when somebody comes into the anxious person's house um the anxious will do everything they can to keep that person from leaving the house whereas the avoidant will have their door shut and may open it a crack and let you in but it's going to be really difficult to get in because they basically want to keep people out as much as it can yeah um was avoiding and i try to leave and they chase yeah you want to get you want to get to a neutral place you know um within self and if you find yourself an avoidance you find yourself avoiding someone who could be anxious because like i said avoidance and anxious is try to they tend to get involved more than more often than not and if you find yourself avoiding someone who is chasing to the to the point where they um are smothering um avoiding is not the way to handle that situation the way they handle that situation is the way a secure person would um and a secure person would say i see what you're doing um secure people i mean books that they don't have boundaries and i think what that means is they don't have conditions um secure people will say um okay you're chasing me but they don't they don't give into any kind of guilt or anything like that yeah i've been told that i scare them well if you're secure um to an anxious or an avoidance secure people are scary to them anxious people are um used to being um used to chasing the avoidance and avoidance need to have the anxious chasing them you know there's a dance that gets played that they each take turns secure people to insecure people um are scary they're not used to that they feel intimidated sometimes um or they feel like uh they they'll tend to look at them and and say oh you think you're you're perfect it secure people get a lot of flak for being the boring people they get a lot of um they get abused a lot it's a shame because it's they're just secure people they're just they're not out to hurt people they just live in that live and they enjoy their life and they're happy and they love you know um i don't have a circle i'm a loner always happen to um if you are um i think i think secure people i wonder if secure people i don't think secure people are always um loners are they they could be i think that they um maybe have they just have their inner circle i don't necessarily feel like they're loners so to speak the majority of them um they have certain select people that they trust that they try to keep in their life you know because they just you know they know that those are those are their people you know you just know who your soul tribe is you can just tell i'm far from perfect and direct that's good so let me but i enjoy being alone or in a group yeah yeah so it's kind of like black hawk you can take it or leave it you know you you enjoy your time with yourself and you also enjoy time with other people i find that to be very secure behavior yeah a little bit of time with people and a little bit of time with self i feel it's really nice balanced it's it's good you know it's positive yeah i gotta have a soul tribe definitely and then like the whole idea of like everyone in the world should be your friend i don't subscribe to that police because i don't see how it's even possible how every single person in the world are all the same we are not we all have differing viewpoints we cover different backgrounds i i think you you just you should be open and accepting of people and respectful but i don't think everyone needs to be in your inner circle i think um because you have certain needs that you have to have met in your life and who you are as a person you know it's okay to have there's there's many layers to you there's your inner circle layer and then there's you know then there's your sphere of influence and then there's people outside of that layer that you are more acquaintance types you know so it's interesting um glad hey thanks for your time got the book and listening to it at work it's a bit of a mirror to be honest yeah yeah it is because you'll that you'll identify i'm sure as you are with one of those attachment styles and and it's all good yeah because you notice at the back the back of the book there's um how to help you become more secure and it's it's lovely it's so liberating if you have um an avoidant attachment style or an anxious attachment so so liberating to trust yourself when you're when you get to the place where you are able to say you know i really like myself and i really trust i trust myself fully and um if things don't work out with somebody i'm okay with that you know kind of a bummer but what are you gonna do i'm okay with it and i know there's somebody else that's out there for me um that i that i will be um that i'll come into alignment too so there's this trusting in the universe there's this feel good there's this lack of worry if you're anxious and if you're avoidant there's also this uh liberation where avoidant uh attachment style you can come to this place where you know what i can trust people there are certain people i can't open up i don't have to be afraid i can take that chance and there are people who will receive me and they will accept me flaws and all you know so oh good unfinished unfinished sentence i recall you from before and what's up yeah it's good i hope that you guys are able to read that um thoroughly and really put into practice some of the tips and tricks wherever you identify there on that that spectrum of attachment styles yeah you know um the more secure you become i can tell you um most of the time you will attract secure people and you won't have a roller coaster um crazy highs and lows relationship you can you will have passion you will have intimacy you will have fun you will have um disagreements you know but they there won't be this intensity to a relationship where you feel like the ground is going to be breaking under your feet or that you're going to be in that relationship and yet feel all alone because you sabotage the relationship you will have all the wonderful things that you want you won't be um i know some people they want that crazy some people and i say this all the time especially with with guys guys love the crazy until they get into a relationship with them and then they're like wait wait wait wait i said i liked your crazy but i didn't mean i like this all the time you know um and and and it's actually true for the women too the women go for the bad boys the women tend you know some women tend to go for that because they like that challenge like that crazy until they fall in love with that person and then that person's manipulating and playing games and then it's like whoa whoa everybody really wants that one person in their life where they can have that you know that beautiful connection oh we have an avoidant in the house awesome so hopefully did you listen unfinished to the avoidant um podcasts that i did on monday i and so the one thing that i said um with the anxious attachment and the avoidant attachment styles it's you can't look at just one thing you have to have almost all of those quote unquote symptoms in order to identify right and each of those symptoms could have a different layer of intensity to it you know so like i feel like in the avoidant um or the anxiously attached was deemed as playing games right um but the purpose of the games is to reestablish connection with their partner you know um but that there are people that play games of course that don't have all of these severe things you really have to look at the holes the whole picture um empress says i was hi header i was in toxic connection it was horrible thank you for this it hits on all levels i'm anxious secure about working on becoming secure me again anxious insecure working on becoming secure me again that's awesome i love to hear that how important yeah and that's right sentence it's usually from childhood trauma and then it um it it bleeds into relationships into adult relationships you know um it's it's a good clue to take a look at um what attachment styles parents had or your caregivers who are raising you what were their attachment style you could have had one parent that was anxiously attached and the other was avoidant and you often hear um people talk about like their mother was doting and she was invasive and she was she was controlling and and she she played games or she was manipulative that would be like an anxious attachment your father could have been very avoidant father was at work all the time wasn't emotionally available okay um and so it's it goes much more deeper than that in one way or another your relationship is playing out in in one of those two ways right um yeah i think the general consensus and don't quote me on this but i i think it's generally the men who would be considered or the the masculine's would be considered avoidant generally and the um feminines would be considered more anxious i i think that's in this book i'm not sure if they did a study um but there's there's but again it also gets into as i said before you know if you have an avoidant father and an anxious mother that's that's the evidence right there that the avoidance and the anxious tend to find each other and they they tend to do that dance and that can that dance can last for years and years communication is very key have to be able to understand each other without criticism absolutely you know um and you know if if you are an anxious attached if you have anxiously attached to an avoidant there probably will be times where the anxious attach would be very critical of the avoidant because the avoidant will avoid and they're not getting their needs that anxiously attached tend to become very angry you know and they become frustrated because they're doing everything they can to make the relationship work and the avoidant is popping in and saying yes i wanted to work but then is you know disappearing again um the dance is not it's not a happy dance it's not comfortable it's it's not progressive it's two people on the dance floor who are taking turns and they're stepping on each other's toes the whole time it's very unhealthy and be very toxic in order to have a beautiful dance they both have to be in alignment with each other they both have to understand communicate physically mentally emotionally you know so for that dance to be beautiful they have to be in sync i would say an avoidant um anxious attached dance looks more like a fistfight in a boxing match yeah they're dancing but they're they're swinging at each other um emotional emotional black male had it done to me i left his group he went to facebook storyline showing exactly who is he wrote in my pace i was in his base and so i shut the door sorry to hear that heather yeah um when you feel like you're the question i think that you just have to ask yourself at the end of the day is not even am i getting my needs met but even before that what are my needs um you can't it's really hard to identify if you're getting what you want when you're not 100 sure what it is you need and sometimes with the insecure um sometimes you don't even know if you deserve to get your needs met you may not at times if you're insecure feel that you're even worthy of love but once you once you begin to believe that you are because that's all just a belief really and then you make your decision to accept that belief then you have to ask yourself what do i need in order to be what do i need in order to be a good partner what do i need to do who do i need to be and what do i need to have a good partner be reciprocal with me and i want you to identify what your needs are what you need from your person what do you need from your person what do you need you know and and um or or just in a relationship in general and um once you identify what it is you need then you got to ask yourself if you're in a relationship with someone are these needs being met and you shouldn't have to compromise on your needs ever because these are generally character-based things if you treat somebody well with respect and honesty and truth loyalty and love and you're not getting the same in return um and i mean and we're not talking about i need somebody to make fifty fifty thousand dollars a day and even drive a particular car they got to look at certain certain way these are very superficial insecure shallow things these are preferences and trust me your preferences will change as you get older as you age in life you know we're talking about character things you know what i mean a lot of people i don't hear many people really complaining that i dumped my partner because they were a dollar short of making the amount that i needed them to make usually i i get the questions like why are they cheating on me you know or this person's lying um you know or they're manipulating or like you guys said emotional blackmail um these are big things and fighting over the the wrong things which are five minutes late texting this is micromanaging this is this is um these little things if these are what's really important to you in a relationship then um i feel like you would be extremely disappointed i really feel like you would be oh good joanne i'm so happy to hear that good yeah definitely purchase that book and read up there's lots of stuff you can get it for free on youtube of course you tell us when you're back again for the weekend um you mean doing the love cast tj if so i was planning to come back Saturday um at noon eastern standard time um but i'm not sure on that quite yet um because i may have plans but i definitely wanted to be able to get in the three love casts um so i will put up the upcoming live stream as long as you um are subscribed to the channel and you've hit the alert you'll see the upcoming next live stream and then um then you'll know right there um i became an avoidance to my last relationship but i knew what was happening in ui i just want peace i should have taken the cues she constantly wake up from nightmares of burying things love can make you blind to the flags yeah i guess it could i don't think love really makes you blind i think that um because i know that you can i know that you can love someone even when they have their red flags um and i know that um you can do that you can do tact with love to people you know um i don't think it's love that makes us blind i feel like it's fear fear makes us blind to the red flags i don't it's my personal opinion i don't think love does that i think we call it love because we don't know what else to call it but i i think fear makes us blind because fear says we have to stay blind because we don't want to face the fact that this might not be i don't this might not work out or this might not be the person or or there's this a level of guilt that we must love people um when they hurt us you know um oh did you say burying things or buying things oh i have nightmares but not about buying okay i'm so confused huh so joanne um if saturdays if i if i do it this saturday it would be noon yeah um eastern standard time um but i'm i'm weary on giving up my weekends because i do give up my sundays for the members so i 10 i probably wind up just doing the podcast three days a week to be honest with you i put saturday just to try to get more engagement with everyone but i probably will just do the three days now that i'm thinking about it because um i it's it's a lot of topics to come up with three days a week but i want you guys to know i am going to start also dedicating some of the lovecast time to doing the chinese signs as well and to going in the bit of detail with the chinese sign so that's something to look forward to so a lot of stuff to share with you guys we'll talk about tarot um i'm even going to have some guests on going forward to participate in the lovecast i may even um be getting somebody who will be joining um in on the lovecast i'm just waiting to see um how that's going to work out but yeah as well as doing the daily tarot readings as well um i've loved and walked away yeah sometimes you have to like i said here in this part of this book here you know even if you you're doing your best and you're as secure as you can be if the other person is not participating in that um that walk with you you can love them but you may have to call quits um because you need relationship a partnership requires two people to um to to to keep the ship afloat uh if not if you got one person who's keeping the ship afloat the other person's just going for the ride if they're in the boat with you and that's that's disrespectful somebody's taking a ride at your expense and you can love them but you gotta leave i think that's good three times a week for right now yeah i think so too all right you guys so i'm gonna end the stream and get on with my evening and um i will i i don't know that i'll be i might be on later tonight i'm not sure but um i really need a break this weekend i'll definitely be here sunday and i will see you guys uh very soon thanks for being here don't forget to go ahead and get that book and get to work on your healing so that you are ready to start your life in a more positive healthy loving way loving with yourself loving yourself and hopefully connecting with someone who wants to share in that beautiful journey that love journey with