 article that I've been wanting to this is the householder's life I don't know that I would read the whole thing but it's in yoga international and I wanted it spoke to me and I wanted to see if if this had any meaning to where we were going but it's called the householder's life and it's really a very long article but yeah let me see if I can do that just kind of pull it the following discourse was given during Darshan at Mata Amrit Tananda Maiz ashram in Kerala Southern India it was prompted by a question about how a householder can live in the world and still maintain a spiritual life so let me just pull out some things and see if we can work off this a householder who wishes to lead a spiritual life after completing his responsibilities in the world should exercise renunciation from the very beginning renunciation demands constant and long-term practice he may not be able to relinquish everything externally therefore he should try to be detached from within his mind should not get too involved in things in order to keep the spirit of inner detachment Lakshabodha content awareness of the goal is very important whatever happens in the home or outside the home one should always contemplate and pray in this manner my goal is far beyond all these silly and trivial worldly problems oh lord please do not push me into these conflicts and arguments give me the strength and courage to be in the midst of these problems and still remember you and remain detached let me try to work through them as part of my duty but let me be untouched by their vibrations a probably should get into some of those right away because even to be in the midst of problems and yet still be detached and also that whole idea of the inner and outer you know that helped me be inwardly detached even though I still have you know outward constriction what we're coming to is tried trying to dissolve that dichotomy between the inner and the outer because even when we we say that there is an external reality that's apart from my mind we're still back into where did it where did it come from in a sense it still has an underlying assumption that ideas would have to leave their source and then just that last part of there about the vibrations I mean gosh is that the country you hear all kinds of different things about certain microwaves that can get you and this and that you know all kinds of things and certain people that have bad vibes and good vibes and stay away from this and that you can see that underneath all of that is that assumption that ideas have left their source and that there are things that are harmful causative in the world in some way and that's one of the things that we as we keep going into it more and more and more that we want to have that dissolve well to me it's it's kind of like purify my thoughts Holy Spirit take all my thoughts and the thoughts that have elements of truth in them you know keep those elements wash them clean the elements that are not in line with you shine away or let's go help me let go of it everything with the thought level because even when I get to that inner outer thing you know it just just never seems to be a solution you know we've been around around and talked about changing the form without really changing looking at the beliefs doesn't do it and the other thing would be to think that well I won't change the form I should be able to get this in any situation and I'm a person in situation and so I'm going to stick it out and that has to get questioned too because if I believe I'm a person in a situation whether it's a householder in a in a household so to speak or an employer employee in a institution or an employee in an institution or a person in a family or whatever that's still something I have to start to question and just you can hit it whenever you hear that I ought to be able to get this in this situation it's it's saying that there's a reality a perceptual reality to the situation and also to me as a person and I ought to be able to get peace perceiving myself as a person in this situation when in fact the only way that I'm ever going to be able to be at peace is to let go of the way that I constructed my life so to speak my identity otherwise it's it's it just never works because I still have something in mind that I'm going to defend no matter what the situation that whole inner outer thing just the thought that that is the way it is I mean that construct the pain is all of it I mean that's that's it one of the things that's been coming to me as we've been talking is that I'm either at peace in the knowledge of who I am truly or I mean in my conflicted mind and trying to construct this self-image it's like those are the two choices and I still notice the question comes up when I'm in my conflicted mind and I'm feeling this turmoil I know that one option is to talk to put it out on the table and I notice I still would rather do it myself at times which is my self-concept I guess one of the questions that I have is this is a doing question it's like what is there to do to get past some of the fear so that I feel like I would be open and receptive to being that vulnerable and putting the issues on the table but is there to do yeah well that was just so big that there wasn't any choice but to call and talk for a couple days now I've just been like walking around being miserable and thinking that there was something I could do to get through the fear and feeling so fearful like I just I didn't want to give it up I didn't want to I didn't want to deal with the issues just actually just shutting down until last night I just took some forgiveness worksheets and went out and sat in a parking lot and wrote and cried forget back to that original thing you were saying about it either this construction I've made or who I am even to say that who I am that's to bring Christ or identity if you could even just say that idea of construction that I've made where I'm this little figure in the dream or the dreamer of the dream because the dream or the dream it still is perception you see it's not saying there's no dream that seems that seems just too unimaginable not even conceivable of a true reality but the key thing is this thing of dreamer of the dream versus dream figure so are you saying to try to zone in on my true identity is is too big a span it's like too much like going from A to Z whereas if I could you know use the analogy of dreamer of the dream that that's more like hitting somewhere in the middle yeah it's the call to use that analogy or the Holy Spirit I mean he's the mediator between truth and illusions you know he's the one who sees the illusions but knows they're not true and keeps reminding the mind this isn't true or the miracle or right mind like you've used I'm not I'm not in my right mind to me it's wrong mind right mind they're both still perceptual but it's like they're one is like above the battlefield one has a whole week different view and everything and what I want to do is I want to be able to look at the false calmly it does when I start it starts coming into awareness it does not feel comfortable or calm because my mind believes that it these are judgments and these are a real whether I'm judging myself as as an independent strong powerful person which is a judgment on that end or I'm weak I'm crying I'm helpless I'm afraid I'm never gonna get this course of this and that it's like the mind is saying whichever way is coming it's like the mind is giving a reality to the judgment as we as I was leaving today and I left storming away from home getting the car you know I can't deal with you Steve I rolled up the window and left and the only thing he said to me is I can't believe that you're going through this course that's supposed to bring you peace of mind and you're acting like that I can't believe that Dave went through this when he did it and I said well Dave wasn't married and in a relationship with three kids in this trap and now I'm in this and I'm trying to figure out how I need to get out of this it was that whole and then that whole idea of getting out of it Dave that's a scary thing I don't want to be thinking about that right now you know but that's what came up I mean he said I can't believe for me and I know that this is is definitely a defense and definitely an illusion that but I still have it in my mind that it would be a lot easier if I were not I mean I looked at somebody in my yoga class today who said she's not married and doesn't have kids and I thought how lucky I wish I had never started this that's where I'm at so I could just start fresh but I know that in the mind I'm at there'd be something else trapping me it's just like that kind you know but that is what has been going on and it can seem I think that this is also when you can see where it can stir things up or be of some kind of a threat with with Rhonda being such a symbol because there seems to be so many parallels and it's that whole thing of my god if if someone can do it then then I could even do it am I supposed to or conceivably yeah you know that whole thing it's the same thing that I would say of anybody who's clear who's traveled and around and you hear them it's like all of your objections seem to be get swallowed up in the clarity of their ideas all of the things that you put up but but but but or I could never because of that you know if my life was the same as yours or all the different things seem to just get swallowed up into that because it's like it starts to become like an actuality that that I that question of what's stopping you kind of starts to come up to mind if I really sense that if I follow this out all the way through hundred percent all follow this is the end that that I will reach peace and happiness then I can then I can really seriously and with great sincerity and passion entertain that question what is stopping me Holy Spirit what is standing in my way but if I'm too terrified of following all the way out to end then I'm to the point where I don't know if I even want to ask that question because I don't know if I can make it well and in this in the fear I want to be able to hold on to one really legitimate excuse because I think that will save me and and and but like you said you know and Christopher said earlier if it's not this it'll be bad you know who am I kidding to think that it's the form change that somehow you know that would be the answer for me it's it's like you know being willing to to say yeah I I still have some excuses if that's what's going on I mean and because this is very uncompromising and as long as I think I have a legitimate excuse for delaying then I can give myself permission to delay I notice I don't I don't think that I want excuses I'm sure there's the part of my mind that does but what I look at and it's like how will I ever be able to detach myself from all of this and I know that that's an ego question but I I mean I look and I just feel so overwhelmed and so hopeless something that got clear to me when I was listening to one of the tapes was this whole idea that my attachment to form is a projection of my attachment to judgment to my thoughts and so obviously the only way to become detached in form is to become detached from my thoughts