 Red lips curled into a smile pale hand gently tucked jet black hair behind an ear black nail polish slightly chipped She seemed nervous of course. This was the first time she'd let me in Her name was Hope she was 21 and broken. I was 24 and much the same She entered my life at a time where all I could do was sleep. I was so angry at everything I'd wake up at night and cry myself back under everything like a bad dream It was winter and she seemed so beautiful and warm We were out for coffee sitting by a large window and listening to the freezing rain We laughed each time people slipped on the ice hours felt like minutes mugs warm in our hands The middle of the story she stopped smirked she mouth the words you're gonna be in trouble There was that relationship with shit tried to go back and think about times that were simple and and easy and not complicated at all and earliest memories went back to 1994 when I first experienced my first super deep depression Writing the words. I'm not like them, but I can pretend on everything that I could I Remember the day that Kurt Cobain died. I can't have actual fire here. So we're gonna pretend that I'm lighting the scandal right now it's lit I Was nine and in the fourth grade. I was stomping home from school in my boots humming whatever stupid song was stuck in my head Purposely stepping on every crack on the sidewalk. I Walked up the driveway past flowers. I could never remember the names of past the plancher that had my name on it The front door was already open. My family knew I was gonna be home soon Pulled open the screen through my backpack on the ground and walked toward of the mirror in the bathroom I had an idea for the color. I wanted my hair to be when my family would finally let me dye it I wanted the I wanted to look in the mirror and imagine it electric blue like comic book character. I Pictured blue dreads emerging for my scalp like snakes and it framed my face the bounce texture full fluffy wild My aunt walked up behind my reflection. I made fish lips and looked at her through the mirror Her arms were crossed and she looked serious I looked down and played back my entire day trying to think of what I could have done to be in trouble Coming up blank. I made another goofy face at her in the mirror Kurt Cobain died. I told her to be quiet. Her joke wasn't funny. See this ain't like to play jokes We went to Disneyland once and we were on haunted mansion. She kept tapping the back of my head And when I called her out on it, she said it wasn't her She said it was the ride and so I turned around and looked at the back of the car the entire ride I didn't even see what ghost was in her buggy By the time we got off the ride. She laughed at me and said that I was gullible I told her she wasn't funny then she wasn't funny now Just before dinner. I walked through the living room toward the crate that held my coloring supplies My aunt ran in and turned on the TV Ella. Look The news was on Kurt Cobain dead at 27 was on the ticker on the bottom of the screen Footage of police tape a window a great blanket over someone's feet flowers see of people crying candles people sad Pictures of Kurt It was suicide. I didn't even know what that was yet. My aunt explained it to me like I wasn't a child He was only 27. I was so transfixed by the broadcast to the point that her hand on my shoulder made me jump My aunt crouched down and asked me if I was okay. I blurted out the words. I hate you and I ran into my room Found my walk minutes lived the foam covered headphones on I had just gotten in utero and cassette and it lived in my head I turned up the volume all the way on the nightstand beside my bed There was a music magazine with a gate-folded poster of Cobain tore it out and leaned with it against the wall Imagining that I was resting my head on his shoulder When Nirvana's dumb came on I started to cry. I felt like my future was slipping away See when I grew up I was gonna meet Kurt Cobain. I would be an adult and he would still be the same age I was gonna have a ton of tattoos and crazy blue hair, which it's not far off at all And He was going to fall in love with me and we talked about music and he teach me how to play guitar And we'd write songs about how much people sucked We traveled the world and we'd be happy and now none of that was ever gonna happen Poster got soggy from my tears and stuck to my face. I kept repeating that. I was sorry like it was somehow my fault At school the next day everyone seemed normal like nothing was wrong. They ran they played they acted up I sat on a bench with my back to the school staring at the chain link fence and the bike path that ran on the other side of it I thought about climbing the fence and running along the path Running until my legs turned to jelly running until I couldn't run anymore. I Kept staring at the fence daring myself to ditch school My best friend Mensa saw me out there and she came to sit next to me. Did you hear about Kurt? She had also been certain she would marry him when she was old enough Not a day went by where a conversation didn't start with when I grew up Kurt and me Yeah, I looked down at my beat-up sketchers sucks. She was staring at her shoes, too. Did you wear your teen spirit today? I nodded did you? Mensa nodded and showed me the deodorant stick in her jacket pocket Even though it was 75 degrees outside Mensa always wore a light coat She would tell people that she wore one because she always felt cold But I knew that she wore one to hide that she would cut herself I wondered if she had been doing that today So who are you gonna marry now? I asked her. I don't know still live nirvana. So maybe somebody else in the band Dave's kind of cute I nodded Anthony a kid in our class snuck up behind us Kurt's dead. There's no more nirvana He thought he was being funny and he pointed and laughed at us you dummies Take that back Mensa said she stood from her bench or she stood from the bench balling her fists I don't think I'd ever seen her so angry the way he said it and seen her reaction I ran over and kicked him in the shin as hard as I could and then he fell and started crying said he was in a Tell like that meant something. I didn't care I spit on the black top beside him There was no punishment. They could give me that was worse than this. At least that's how it felt Mensa tugged at my arm and pointed at the teacher that was running toward us She said that we should go because I was gonna be in trouble for what I had done But I didn't move I waited. There was no use in running. She knew which class I was in anyway Teacher yanked my arm and walked me back to the building the bell rang ending recess I glanced back toward the black top and saw Mensa standing by herself watching me get taken away The principal asked if I kicked Anthony and I said I did he asked why and I said because he was mean Then he asked if I spit on Anthony and I said no He said that the teacher saw me spit on Anthony and I said I spit on the ground next to him But I didn't spit on him and that that teacher was a liar He called my family and sent me back to class where I had to stand in the back of the room face the back or face The wall until school was over When the bell rang the teacher had me sit down on my desk and write standards I will not kick or spit on other people 50 times Having to write a false confession made me hate Anthony Moore made me hate the school Later I asked my aunt what would happen to the band now that Kurt Cobain was dead She told me that they would either find a new singer or stop making music I said if they get a new singer it won't be them anymore She said that's not necessarily true Then she went on to talk about other bands that changed singers throughout their runs, but I stopped listening because I didn't care The following two weeks I kept to myself not really feeling hungry forcing myself to eat I didn't want to play during recess anymore. So I'd sit and write in my journal about futures I'd never have I was convinced I would kill myself one day so that I could join him We would and I would go to sleep thinking about dying I thought that if I died Kurt and I could hold hands and scream as loud as we could because we were in pain We'd scream until we couldn't we'd live in the clouds and slowly sink in and sleep They're never letting go of each other But days kept passing and I was still alive Eventually I stopped thinking about death so much But nothing ever felt permanent anymore Not like them, but I can pretend the sun is gone But I have a light The day is done But I'm having fun I think I'm them Or maybe just happy I think I'm just happy