 Described from Hollywood, the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos, and Wittfield, Walter Sharpen, his music, yours truly, Bill Foreman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Lately, Phil has realized that he isn't getting any younger, and he must make preparations for the security of his old age. As we look in now, we find him planning a steady income for his future. Now look, baby Alice, you've heard the record eight times, so let's try and do it the way they do it. But Daddy, I'm tired. Now never mind. Now let's do it once more. Here we go. Here's the happy tune. That will bring you a smile of the world when you croon at your really in style. And the title is Sam's Song. This is catchy as can be. With a slight little beat and the melody squeaks, you're tapping your feet. And the title is Sam's Song. With a left turn on your mind. No, no. The way that Bing and Gary do it. Look, kid, you'll never make a buck for me if you're going to sing that way. Why can't my kids have talent like Crosby so they can support me? I don't like to sing. Why should I be forced to sing just so I can support you? What's good enough for your mother is good enough for you. Alice, please. I'll thank you not to interrupt while I'm coaching my little money makers. Now try it again, baby Alice. Why waste time with her, Daddy? Let a kid in here that knows what she's doing. I've learned everything from you, Daddy. Oh, so you think you can sing, huh? Are you kidding? Happens to be my business. Honey, then we'll do Sam's Song together. Please, Pop, I work alone. Come with me to Alabama. Come and see my zero mommy. She's boiling eggs and frying honey. And that's what I like about the South. Yeah. See, she's got talent. That kid will be making money before she reaches her obsolescence. Guarantee that little Phyllis is going to grow enough being able to sing just like me. Is that what you really want, dear? Now, fair, leave the children alone. My girls don't have to sing for money. Maybe yours don't, but mine do. Besides, if it's good enough for Bing's kids, it's good enough for yours. But Phil, we don't need the money. Bing does. He's the only one I know of who has as much money as you do. The only difference is that you have it in the old bills. Really, why do your children to support you, do you? Certainly I want them to support me. Why not? Bing has kids, kids doing all the singing for him. He don't have to work. All he does is sit around all day squeezing minute maids to get orange juice. Well, I think it's fine for the girls to learn how to sing, but you're not the one to teach them. That's what I like about the South. It's not a song for girls or women or men or dogs. Wait a minute. Look, honey, that's no way to talk to one of RCA's biggest recording stars. Why do you realize that my record of the thing has sold 1,200,000 copies? It sold 1,100,000 copies. Don't tell me I made them. Don't tell me I bought them. Those aren't in flatjacks piled up in the guest room. No, don't do that. That's a woman for you. She buys a lousy million records, and right away she makes a big thing out of it. Besides, I don't have to teach the girls that type of stuff. I'm capable of better things. I'll teach them them semi-classical stuff like, uh, like, uh, Waterboy, Sweet Mystery of Life, or One for the Road to Mandalay. Listen closely, kids, and watch how I do this. I love life, so I want to live. I want to live. I want to live. With a voice like that, would you mind telling me why? All right, let me all right. Now, where did you come from? I heard the screaming, and I rushed in. I thought somebody was being attacked. Now, nobody's being attacked. I would just sing it to my children. Shame on you, Curly. Going around trying to puncture little kid's eardrums. My voice wouldn't puncture anybody's eardrums. Anyway, the girls like to hear me sing. Don't you, baby Alice? Eh? I should have known better than to ask the one with the tin there. All right, you can run along, girls. The lesson's over for today. Hey, Curly, what's the idea of singing lessons? Well, I'm trying to prepare them for the future. And little Phyllis has a lot of talent. And I'm going to train her to be a professional singer. Well, that's no career for a woman. There's so many more important jobs that a woman can hold today. Like what? Well, there's a crying need for girl jockeys in Tijuana. All right, Remilia. Or you can stretch your neck and make her the goose girl at Hollywood Park. They're not racing there now. For next year, it'll take a year to stretch your neck. Now, what's wrong with a woman being a professional singer? I've done all right. Oh, yeah, but you're a different, Alice. You can't teach a child to have a voice like yours. You were born with unusual talent. True. But the girls do have good voices. And with a little training, they might amount to something. I think we ought to get them a good coach. A coach, huh? Well, maybe you're right. Well, we're rehearsing our show in a couple of hours. And I'd better get dressed. OK, honey, we'll meet you at NBC later, huh? You know, something Frankie Alice has got an idea. Yeah? Sure. I'd like to get a good coach for the kids. You know, somebody with a nice, soft, cultured voice that has resonance. Mm-hmm. The kind of a voice that sends you a voice. Hey, Curly, I know just the person. She's a woman. And if she can teach your kids to sound like her, you've got nothing to worry about. Let's go see this girl. All right, Remly. Wait a minute. This girl... She's OK, Curly. I give you the word of a gentleman. Well, bring him along, and I'll go. Look, I'll take one more chance, Remly. I'll go with you. Now, let's go. You know something? What? You know where it is, huh? I'm going with you, Dad. And pretty soon, my girls will be able to sing just like me. And then they'll have no trouble getting a job. I don't know. There ain't much demand for female baritones. Tallulah does all right. Baritones do OK if you don't believe me. Listen, Dad. A preacher went out walking Twas on one Sunday morning It was against his religion, but he took his gun along He shot himself some mighty fine quail and one little mealy hair But on his way returning home He met a great big grizzly bear Now the bear got down in the middle of the road On all fours like a great big toad And looked at preacher right square in the eye And the preacher looked at him and said, Bye-bye, preacher gut up Took out the run The bear right after that preacher did come And he run, and he run for about a mile And the preacher sat down and rested a while Preacher gut up, started again Bear right after him with more them And he ran, and he ran till he spotted a tree Said, up on the limb is the place for me Bear reached up, made a graph for him And the preacher lit, then he baked the limb Pulled himself up and turned about Cast his eyes in the skies and he did shout, Oh, Lord, you deliver Daniel from the lion's den Also deliver Jonah from the belly of the whale And then the Hebrew children from the fiery furnace Of the good book do declare, yes, Lord If you can't help me for goodness sake, don't help that bear Now just about then that limb let go And the preacher come tumbling down Reached in his park, pulled his razor out Just before he hit the ground Awful bang, it was a terrible sight That preacher and the bear with the razor in his hair Just to cut him left and right They rolled around on the ground The preacher was up, and then he was down The bear let out an awful moment It looked like the preacher was holding his own Said, if I get out of here alive with that good book I will abide, I'll never sin on Sabbath day And suddenly come all pray and pray into the heavens He did glance at Lord, just give me one more chance Then his suspenders gave away And he knocked that bet and feed away The preacher got up, made a bounce For the tree where he'd be safe and sound Fooled himself up and turned about Cast his eyes and skies and he didn't shout Oh, Lord, you deliver Daniel from the lion's den Also delivered Jonah from the belly Of the whale and men The Hebrew children from the fiery furnace Of the good book do declare, yes, Lord If you can't help me for goodness sakes Don't help that bear Why'd you bring me to this place? This is a nightclub All I'm looking for is a voice coach Hear, Curly And when you hear this girl's voice It's sensational What does she do here? Is she the star of the show? No Does she sing with a band? Not exactly Every time I hear a voice that does something to me I swoon with ecstasy Well, what does she do here? Cigars Cigarettes You mean to tell me that this cigarette girl Is the voice coach? If your kids can pick up her voice Inflections, they'll be sensational Oh, yeah That's all I need is my two kids Walking around the house saying Cigar Cigar Gardening Remly, I don't think that's quite The kind of a coach Alice had in mind for the girls Ah, Curly, give her a chance The poor kid needs a job She has a job But she don't make enough to be able to Dress right Look at that skimpy costume she has to wear It only reaches From under her arms to just Below her hips She can't even afford A whole dress That's a whole dress She just ain't in it for nothing Ah, Curly, at least talk to the girl Let me call her over I want you to get a load of Her talent Don't bother I can see it from here I can't hire this girl Will you come on now, let's get down to rehearsal You run along, Curly, I'll meet you there I have a little business to attend to All right, but don't forget to show up Cigars Cigarettes Chewing tobacco Chewing tobacco I guess she ran out of gardenia I'll see you later, Remly Yeah, okay, Curly Curly's making a mistake Not hiring that girl We can't let all that Talent go to waste I guess it's up to me to do something for her Oh, Miss Yes, sir Is there anything I can do for you? Sit down, my child There's nothing you can do for me But I'm in a position to do things for you Ha ha ha How'd you like to be in pictures, honey? I wouldn't You're fighting me Being a producer, I can do things for you, dear You're a producer Surely you've heard of Cecil B. de Remly What pictures did you ever produce? Did you see Born Yesterday? Yes Well, you're looking at a man You're looking at a man who saw the same picture I told you I don't want to be in pictures But I like to sing If you could get me a job with a band You come to the right man, honey, consider yourself working You ever hear of the Phil Harris band? You mean you can get me a job with Phil Harris? That's a cinch, I happen to own the outfit Harris just fronts it for me I'll put it in writing By the way, what's your name, honey? Carmen Lombardo You're not one of Guy's brothers, are you? I just happen to have the same name Well, here's the contract It says I hereby agree to pay Miss Carmen Lombardo $500 a week $52 a week signed Phil Harris Now, about the date I'll pick you up later as soon as I get back from Band Rehearsal Oh, I'll go with you, darling It'll give me a chance to practice with a band Well, I don't know, you see Don't argue, Cecil If you want a date tonight I'm going to Band Rehearsal with you Yeah Now look, Carmen You better wait out in the hall, dear Well, I go into Curley's dressing room and set things up for you Very well, but don't keep me waiting too long Now that I signed it to a contract I may have a little trouble getting her on the show Of course, if I could talk Curley into letting Carmen take Alice's place I... Well, that's worth a try Oh, there you are, Remi Oh, I was detained Curley, I've been thinking about this much too hard lately What do you mean? Well, after all, she's the mother of two children She's getting along in years and she's entitled to retire Yeah, but she wants to work She makes a lot of money So what? See, Biscuit was a big money maker But after a while, they retired him and put him out to pasture and he has nothing to do but eat grass Yeah I don't know if Alice would like to live in a pasture Besides, grass gives her heartburn Anyway, I could never get anybody to replace Alice on the show Yeah, it would be tough But I'm sure you could find somebody if you looked around Looked around where? Right in back of you Cigars, cigarettes God damn you I'm a tobacco auctioneer out of here Take speedy rigs back to Kentucky I get out of here chewing tobacco Let's get out of here Curley, that's no way to talk to the new vocalist that you just signed to a contract What do you mean, I just signed? I don't even know that girl I'll introduce you, Curley I want you to meet Carmen Lombardo I don't care what her Carmen Lombardo E. Gad How you've changed You're not the little coquette I used to know No, no, she's not that Carmen She'll look great standing up in front of the band, Curley You want to put her in front of my musicians? Yeah Are you kidding, Elliot? That's like dangling a sardine in front of a school of barracuda Sorry, honey, but we can't use you with this band No, but you've got to hire me I quit my job I have no money I can't pay my room rent And my mother needs an operation Does need an operation Oh, well that's different In that case, we'll be glad to help Then you'll give me the job No, send your mother around and we'll operate on her Oh, please, lady Please, now stop it You're breaking my heart Don't cry, don't do it She cries pretty good, don't you think? Probably she cries nice and low I like that Look, lady, will you please stop with the tears Well, stop crying, I tell you I can't Carmen, you're getting my feet wet Look, miss, miss Look, you can have the job if you'll just stop bawling Oh, you great big wonderful man Oh, you're so kind and thoughtful I could just kiss you and kiss you Carmen, you mustn't Let this girl talk I'm ready to start to work right now Shall we go in and rehearse my song? Not so fast, you wait here in my dressing room and I'll call you when I'm ready for you Come on, Remly Don't try any tricks, boys Remember, I have a contract For me, the things you get me into What are you trying to do? I don't want that day moron here We got to get rid of her before Alice sees her We can't, Curly Carmen has a contract and she's liable to sue us for everything you got All right, all right Now let's get into the studio and maybe we can talk Alice out of singing I never heard... Where have you been, Phil? I'm ready to rehearse my song again Oh yeah, your song Look, honey You know, after thinking it over I don't think you ought to sing You know, I just found out that singing is not healthy It causes baldness That's right, some of our best crooners haven't got a hair on their head Maybe so, but you're not talking me out of singing I'm going up on the bandstand and do my song right now But honey, I tell you Let her sing, I got an idea After she's through singing we'll make believe that we didn't hear a sound come out of her Go ahead and sing, Alice We'd love to hear you Why miss magic Relax Give it a chance We're right on the very brink Of kiss number one There's no time to stop a thing It's too late to run The beginning's begun so Why fight the feelings The feelings That started us realin' Why fight the feelings That says tonight is the night Why fight the feelings When it's oh so right Feeling The feeling The fabulous feeling Why fight the feeling Relax And give it a chance We're right on the very brink Of kiss number one There's no time to stop a thing There's no time to stop a thing It's too late to run The beginning's begun so Why fight the feelings The feelings That started us realin' Why fight the feelings That says tonight is the night Why fight the feelings When it's oh Yeah, but I thought Alice said she was gonna sing I guess she changed her mind Now what are you talking about? I just finished my song I didn't hear singing, no Frankie, didn't you hear me sing? I can't answer that Why not? I can't even hear you talking I should have my tongue cut out Why don't you have it done by the same guy That removed your brain? Alright fellas, alright Out with it Why are you trying to keep me from singing? Are you trying to get rid of me, Phil? Don't be silly, honey Why should I want to get rid of you? Who could ever take your place? I'm Mr. Harris! What? Julius, what about this dame in Mr. Harris's dressing room? Who is she? I don't know As soon as I walked in she looked at me and tried to sell me a gardenia Gardenia? Oh, um, um Oh, Alice That must be that little old flower lady that always comes around She's 80 years old, dear If she's 80, she better put more clothes on before she gets pneumonia I'm gonna find out who's in there Come on boys, we'll see who's in that dressing room But honey, I don't think... Come on! Cigars Cigarettes Gardenias What are you doing here? I'm waiting for Mr. Harris Alright, Phil, start talking Who is she? Well, um Well, that is, um Well, um Well, I don't know, I never saw her before Oh, Phillip You know who I am It's Grandma Granny, when did you get in from Tennessee? Hey Alice, I want you to meet my grandmother This is a grandmother? Yes, it is You ever told me you had such a young, shapely grandmother? Well, you know Grandpa He gets a new model every year You see, he doesn't have a car Alright, alright, you can stop now Miss, who are you? I'm the new singer, Mr. Harris Hyatt He replaced the old girl he had Who are you? I'm the old girl And I've got news for you I'm still with him But I have a contract with him I have a contract with him too Mine is signed by Mr. Harris Who signed yours? A minister and two witnesses Let's see you top that one I think she's got you, Speedy Alice, I didn't sign no contract with her Frankie did Well, if Frankie signed it, it's not valid You might as well, uh, run along, Miss I've never been so humiliated in all my life And it's for you, Mr. Remley I never want to see you again Goodbye But darling, I... There goes the only girl I ever loved Born Monroe Her name's Carmen Lombardo Well, I was close Let's go home And you boys walk in front of me So I can keep my eye on you Where did you find that girl? Oh, she was a cigarette girl in the nightclub And Frankie fell for her sultry voice Oh, Frankie did, huh? You wouldn't fall for a sultry voice, would you, Phil? Of course not Remley's a weakling I don't know what's the matter with you, Frankie Being taken in by a dame just because she has... Cigars, cigarettes God, Dean Pardon me, Miss You got a lot of talent I can get you a job You can stop, Curly It's only your wife Oh Stay tuned for Hedda Hopper's radio column Then Theatre Guild on NBC