 Murder by Experts. Virtual Broadcasting System presents Murder by Experts. With your host and narrator, the noted mystery writer, Brett Halliday. Mr. Halliday is creator of the world-famous detective character, Michael Shane. Author of 25 mystery novels, and whose latest work, This Is It, Michael Shane, has just been published. Good evening, this is Brett Halliday. Each week at this time, Murder by Experts brings you a story of crime and mystery which has been chosen for your approval by one of the world's leading detective story writers. Tonight, our guest expert is the noted mystery novelist, Harold Q. Massour. From his vast knowledge of the field of mystery, Mr. Massour, with tongue in cheek, has chosen a light and fast-moving comedy mystery, but that very witty writer, Milton Lewis. And now we present Lawson Zerbey and Marilyn Erskine in Two Can Die as Cheaply as One. The name's Duke, Johnny Duke. You'll find me listed in the classified phone book under detective service. If there's anything I hate, it's violence, especially to myself. Of late, so many characters have showered me with blows that Susan, my slightly gorgeous wife, has given up calling me the eye and refers to me now as the black eye. You have only to take that last case of mine to see what I mean. It all began on a beautiful spring day. Susan and I were standing in front of our apartment house waiting for a cab. Now, in New York, there must be at least 5,000 cabs, and this one out of 5,000 had to come along. Taxi, Mr. Yeah. Get in, baby. 34th Street and Fifth Avenue. Right. Lovely day. I don't see why we ever tolerate winter when we can get days like this. Yes, and for one sum without a case. That won't last long. Oh, yes it will. Darling, I'm seriously thinking of quitting this ragged. And let a crime wave loose in our fair city. Well, I don't want to see any more corpses. I don't want any more beautiful murderouses throwing themselves at me. I don't want a jitterbug between bullets anymore. This happens once every year. You'll get over it. Not this time, judges. Now, look at me. Every week, I nearly get killed. Every week, I get conked on the head two or three times like a bell. I'm in a rut. Patty, mind if I take Fifth Avenue? Not at all, driver. But why do you want it? One sees more chipper chicks on Fifth Avenue when one must wait for red light. And by all means, take Fifth. I could tell you it was a man after my own heart. The minute I lamped you. Really? How did you know he was fond of chipper chicks? Oh, that's easy, madam. I'd just seen a pent-up tomato that was with him. Why, thank you. What a lovely cab you have, driver. Yeah? Hey, you believe in sunlight? Only in the daytime. But why? Kind of, I want to slide the roof back, like this. Yeah, you can have sunbeams at no extra cost. Oh, thank you. You know, sunlight's a very helpful and also ultra. Also what? Ultra. You know, ultra this, ultra that. Ultra expensive, ultra dumb. Ultra. Now, what's so ultra about sunlight? Ultra-violent rays, of course. You don't seem to understand me, so I'll have to give you a lecture 10 or 15 minutes. Now, we heard about sunlight, Tootsie. Say, is that really your name? Certainly. Who else would want a name like that? Lots of people think it's very funny. Why? How could a guy with a puss like mine be a Tootsie? Hey, get over to the side, Jacob! Mr. Tootsie, we feel that heaven can wait. Won't you please take it easy? I am. It's them other guys who are always getting in one's way. But don't worry. This cab's falling apart anyway. And if we crash, we'll be killed instantly with no suffering. So sit back and relax. Johnny, what's the matter? What's he yelling for? I didn't hit no trucks yet. Something socked me on the head. Oh, you've got that kind of a wife, too, huh? It's something that came through the open roof of the cab. Even when I'm not on it, in case I'm not safe. Was this it, dear? That must be. It's an envelope. Johnny, darling, look what's inside. Now, what is it? It's an antique bracelet. Look at those stones. It must be worth scads and scads of money. Why don't things like that ever fall on my head? Hey, I'll let you split it with me, happy, happy. You can give me my half in cash. Well, can I? Certainly. What can I do with half a bracelet? Give him a check, Johnny. Oh, not your fault. No, this bracelet must be returned. Don't be silly, dear. It'll go perfectly with my new dress. Besides, how will you ever find the owner? There's a name on this envelope. James Maxwell Importer. Well, the address is one of the office buildings we just passed. Well, all I can say is that anyone who throws a bracelet like this at a perfectly innocent head doesn't deserve to get it back. And besides, I want it. Sure, find this keeper's loser's weeper's. That's right, Johnny. And didn't you just say you were in a rut? Oh, what's that got to do with it? If you return it, you'll probably find out it was stolen by some beautiful siren who murdered a half dozen people to get it. Yeah, she'll probably try to murder me to get it back. I'll bet she worked with a cutthroat accomplice I'll have to arrest before I'm killed. See why you shouldn't give it back? Well, you're dead already. And now probably murder me just because I'm your wife and I know who the killers are. See, you're both dead already. And if I return it, I'll spend this beautiful day bleeding in strange apartments, being mauled around, getting kicked in the head, having my teeth knocked out, getting back into the same monotonous routine of mayhem and murder. That's right, dear. Don't you see why we should keep it? Yes. Darling, I have made up my mind. Tootsie, turn around. What are we going to do? Why return it, of course. Max, well imported. That's the office, dear. Yeah, come in. Try to make it snappy, darling. Remember Tootsie's waiting downstairs in his cab. Seems to be no one here. Well, try that in her office, darling. Excuse me, miss out. We'd like to see. Johnny, what's the matter with her? I don't know. She seems asleep at her desk. Don't touch her. Oh, but Susan, I said. Steady, baby. Look, she's been murdered. Two slugs in places where they count. I knew we should have kept that bracelet. You'd only listen to me. Now that open window in back of her face is a street. She or the killer must have thrown it out there and it landed in our cab. Don't move. Either of you. Hello? You both do exactly as I tell you, or you'll get a bullet in your brain. Do as the man says, dear. You know your brain isn't large enough to hold bullets, darling. What's the idea? I'll take that bracelet. Bracelet? What bracelet? He must have wandered into the wrong place. Give me that bracelet. Humor him, dear. He's obviously a homicidal maniac of the crazy type. Yeah. What's the racket, pal? How do you know I had it? I know why she was killed. I know who killed her. And I know exactly what I'm going to do about it. He's a smart murderer, Johnny. He knows a lot. Oh, take that gun away from Johnny's head. You'll must his hair. I'm going to do more than that, madam. I'm going to kill him now. Johnny, it's Tootsie. What Tootsie? Oh, that was a nice right for an underdeveloped guy. Oh, thanks. Susan, are you all right? Yes, dear. His shots went wild. I've got his gun and the bracelet. It's lucky you came in, Tootsie. Well, I was getting impatient down there. You shouldn't keep me waiting like that. You'll run up a frightful bill. Oh, who's the dead doll? We don't know yet. Searching him, huh? Do I get half the take? Susan, baby, this guy is Mr. James Maxwell. He's coming out of it. Oh, my head. Get up, Maxwell. Now, explain it simply so my childish mind can grasp it. Why did you murder her? Come in. I'll open it, dear. Yes, what are you? No, no, don't. I've got a gun, gentlemen. Now, will you please tell a poor innocent girl what this is all about? And play no tricks, or you'll be covered in your own gore. I told you you should have stood in bed with that bracelet. Who owns the female I hit over the head with the hat, right? I do. She's my wife. You'd better pick her up. Someone might step on her. Oh, Johnny, buy me a new head. I'll help you up, baby. You'll be all right. Thank you, Blanche. You came just in time. You know her? Oh, yes, Blanche and I are old friends. Just who are you? I'm Johnny Duke. This is my wife, Susan. And this is Tootsie, our taxi driver. Well, what's the payoff? Are you going to kill us again? I certainly am. If you're going to hurt Jimmy, did you kill that girl? No, no, we just wandered in here. What are you doing here, Susan? Oh, just looking at this hat, Rack, is this what you hit me with, Blanche? Yes. I heard you in here, and I thought you were harming Jimmy. If I hurt you, I'm terribly sorry, dear. Oh, that's all right. I was just trying to figure out how you use the hat, Rack. Well, you must have swung it like this. No, don't! Oh, oh! I've got the gun back, Johnny. Oh, my brains are aching. If I hurt you, I'm terribly sorry, dear. That was lovely. You'd make a good female blanksmith. Thank you, Tootsie. Drag it to that chair, Mr. Maxwell. That's right. Now we'll go on where we left off. Why'd you kill her, Maxwell? I didn't kill her. I was with Blanche all day. Wasn't I, dear? That's right. He was at my place. What were you doing? We were playing ring-round-a-rosie in my living room, dear. What's your full name? Blanche, Warby. Why? Did you ever see this bracelet before? I can tell you about that bracelet. It belonged to my partner, William Baldwin. It's worth a fortune. At least $80,000. I told you we should have kept it. Where is Mr. Baldwin now, Mr. Maxwell? I don't know. He disappeared six months ago and was never seen again. He had that bracelet with him. Who's that dead girl? Well, she's Miss Ruth Perkins, my secretary. She evidently threw the bracelet out the window. How'd it get here? I haven't the faintest idea, Mr. Duke. I'm sorry I lost my head before. I thought you killed her when I came in before. I heard you talking about the bracelet. I thought you murdered her to get it. Whoever gave that bracelet to Ruth Perkins knows who my partner is. This looks like quite a case. Yes, Duchess. And for once, we're going to let the police solve it. Call them up, darling. We'll probably be tied up with them until evening. There goes our lovely day. And that should teach you a good lesson. Next time you get hit on the head with an $80,000 bracelet, you keep it. Police headquarters, please. Come in, Tutsie. Make yourself at home. Oh, thanks. Sure nice of you to invite me in for cocktails. Well, that's the least we can do after taking up your time all day. You sit there with Johnny. I'll go in and mix them. Now, about the murder of that Perkins thing, I got a theory, only it don't make sense. Tutsie, let's not start talking about murders. I've decided to seek a gentler profession. Oh, that's why you won't take the case? Right. Now, we won't mention it again, will we? Probably all means we certainly shall not even whisper about it. You think James Maxwell killed her? No. The gun we took away from Maxwell was a different caliber than the one that killed her. I think let's talk about baseball. Certainly. The Brooklyn Dodges will win the world's serious this year. What makes you so sure? I live in Brooklyn. Do you think William Baldwin was bumped off too? The police said his daughter also disappeared. Yeah, I think they were both killed. It's funny, there should be no identification in that secretary's purse. Oh, nuts. Don't lead me. Yeah, I believe that was your loving wife in distress. Yes, in the kitchen. Come on. All right. They tried to do anything to Susan. Susan, hey, Susan, baby. Is she dead? No, someone tried to go out her. Here, help me get this cord off her neck. All right, there, there, that does it. Susan, what happened? I don't know. Someone must have come through the delivery entrance, felt the cord around my neck, and that's all I know. Tutsi, there's a gun in that old sugar bowl. Take and go down that delivery exit. I got it. Come on, Jenny. Susan, Dolly, are you OK? I'm feeling much better now. Johnny, why should anyone want to do a thing like that? I don't know. I'm pretty sure it's got something to do with that bracelet. Johnny, darling, you better take this case and solve it before we're all bumped off. I know it may all be just too, too, too annoying for a jaded sleuth like you, but it's better to be bored to death than murdered. You went, baby. I thought I would. That's why I took these things out of the dead girl's purse. There are two addresses on different sheets of paper. One's the address of one Samson Everest, and the other is the dead girl's home address. Well, there ain't no sign of any carities out there, Johnny. He must have got away. Now, listen, Tutsi. We're going to find this murderer, and you're going to help us. I want you and Susan to visit one Samson Everest. I'm going to poke around Ruth Perkins' place. Now, let's get going. Welcome to the Solid Comfort Funeral, parlors, madam, Samson Everest at your service. How do you do, Mr. Everest? I'm Mrs. Johnny Duke. How do you do? You've seen our advertisement for a bargain in funerals, no doubt. We're running a sale, you know. Is it for someone close to you, your husband, perhaps? No. In fact, we didn't know you were an undertaker at all. By the way, this is Tutsi. Hi, Samson. How do you do, sir? You remind me of a very dear, dear friend of mine. Yeah? Yes. I buried him five years ago. Yes. Whom do you wish to put to rest, Mrs. Duke? Well, no one exactly. Come, come now. Surely you can think of someone. A sale like this doesn't come along every day. Dear me, no. Why, two can be buried as cheaply as one. I just want to ask you a few questions. Do you know someone named Ruth Perkins? Is she among the living or dead? The dead. I've never buried anyone by that name. She was murdered today. Why would your name and address be in her purse? Perhaps she knew she was going to be killed and wanted to get in on our bargain. Really, Mrs. Duke, you should take advantage of this. It's truly a cutthroat sale. Just what do you get for your money? For only $75 you get a hearse, fresh lilies, two limousines, and a plot in an exclusive cemetery. Yeah? What kind of coffin? Oh, a beauty. So comfortable to lie upon, you'll never want to wake up. Excuse me, Tootsie. Mr. Everest, do you know anyone named William Baldwin? But of course, dear Mr. Baldwin, one of my best customers. Did you bury him? No, but he ordered a tomb from me. I had it built in the Gay Departure Cemetery, overlooking the loveliest little pond. It's really a gorgeous place to go when you're dead. I'm sure it is. But why did Mr. Baldwin have it built? To rest in when he passed on, Mr. Baldwin was a man of great foresight. In fact, his daughter was here only yesterday. His daughter? As a customer or a victim? Oh, she was quite alive, I think. Of course she was. She talked to me. She wanted to know where her father's tomb was. Why? She was going out there to inspect it, a very devoted child, I must say. She wanted everything to be just right for the day when her father would move in. Really? Where is Gay Departure Cemetery? Just out of town in Westchester. Come on, Tootsie. That's where we're going. Just a minute. Mr. Everest, just what else do you get for your 75 bucks? Two pallbearers, an organ music, a granite tombstone, a smooth ride with professional chauffeurs. Is the hearse got white tires? My dear man, all our hearses have white tires. That goes without saying. Are you interested? Yeah. I sure would like one of them. And at that price, too. The only trouble is, I ain't dead. Well, we all live in hope, my friend. The sale lasts another week. Maybe you'll be able to take advantage of it. Yeah, but I doubt it. I never have any luck. Shall we vanmose, Susan? That must be the tomb, Tootsie. It's right near the pond. I'll pick your risk. Susan, don't you think we should have told the caretaker to let us in? I didn't want to wake him up. Besides, I don't think he permitted us to come here at this hour. Get out your flashlight. Yep, this is the tomb. Here rests William Baldwin. Shall I ring the bell? You don't have to. Someone forced opened the door. Huh? You think somebody's ghost is Beugler's? If they are, they'll be arrested. Come in. You don't have to take your hat off, Tootsie. Well, I've never been in no tomes before. Hey, it's very cozy. Turn your flashlight on that coffin. OK. Oh, the coffin's open and it's being slept in. Yes. There's a college class pin on his vest. Pick it up and see if there's a name on the back. William G. Baldwin, class of 1902. Hey, this is Baldwin. Yes, and he was murdered. Look at those two bullet holes. The killer is very sweet. He not only murders his victim, but puts him in his tomb. Oh, rip the guy's jacket. I don't know. Yes, I do, of course. I'll bet the bracelet was hidden in that jacket. Come on, Tootsie, we have to get out of here. I want to phone Johnny. OK, but shh, not so loud. You're liable to wake him up. Yes, Inspector Farrell. Yeah, I relieved the flat foot you had here at the Perkins Girls' Place. How about finish now? How about James Maxwell's alibi? Air-tider. Well, what's Blanche Werby's address? Ah! Wait a second, Inspector. Someone in the hall in trouble. Goodbye, Inspector. I'll call you back. Who shot you? Someone in the shadows in the hall. Don't. I'm just going to put you on the bed and call a doctor. No. No, doctor. I won't do any good. Who are you? Ruth Perkins. But that's impossible. She was killed this afternoon. I don't lie. I'm not lying. I was out of town. Did you see the evening papers? In the officer was killed. William Baldwin's daughter? Yes. The one who disappeared after her father did. I knew her to work for her father. Go on. You know who killed her. Miss Perkins. Oh, Susan. Yes. Go on. Baldwin, huh? OK, baby. I'm going over to Blanche Werby's joint at 889 East Drive. Bring Tootsie along and meet me there. Yes. Goodbye. Won't you have a drink, Steve? All right. Thank you, Blanche. I think I can use one. Here you are. What makes you think Jimmy and I were lying about being in this apartment when that girl was killed? I think Jimmy killed her. But I told you. I know. You were playing ring around a rosy. Right here in my living room. Shall I show you how it's done? Oh, I've played it in my time. Not the way I play it. You be the rosy. I'll make the ring around you with my arms, like this. This is a new way of playing it. Uh-huh. And it's some fun. You look startled. Naturally. I've never been a rosy before. You didn't touch a drink, Steve. Blanche, would you like a new and thrilling experience Uh-huh. That's my hobby. What is it? Be murdered. Oh, by you? By James Maxwell. You're next on his list. He's trying to kill everyone who can prove him guilty. My wife, the Perkins girl, Helen Baldwin, next you. You've got a morbid imagination. What you need is more rain around a rosy. Oh, dear, um, have you a drink while I answer it? Hello, Blanche. Oh, Jimmy, come in. Look who's here. Johnny Dogue. Well, I'm glad to see you. Hello, Maxwell. You're lucky Inspector Farrell let you go free. Well, he knew he couldn't keep me. No evidence you know. Yes, I, uh... Oh, boy. That drink was plenty strong. I feel, if you're awfully... awfully funny, I suppose. What's the matter with him? Gave him a knockout drop. He's getting very wise, Jimmy. You know what he told me? He said, you try to kill me. Ha-ha-ha-ha. That's a little fool. I told him he was out of his mind. What are you laughing about? Well, it's so funny. Not for you. As it turns out, he's 100% right. Jimmy, put that gun down. No, Blanche. It was very nice of you to lie in alibi me. But now I can't trust you. So you're going to die. No. Now. No! Take it easy, Blanche. I shot him in the shoulder. He'll be okay. He didn't even have a chance to fire his gun. Oh! You weren't out. No. I dropped my drink under the pillow of your sofa. I hope it doesn't stay. Johnny, darling, we came as fast as we could. Come in, baby. Hiya, Tootsie. OK. You came just in time to hear Blanche give us a complete confession. How about it, Blanche? OK. He phoned me this afternoon and begged me to alibi him. I did. I loved him. Then I went to the office. The rest, you know. Johnny, darling, how'd you do it? How'd you make a confess? It was easy, baby. All I had to do was play a little game called Ring Around the Rosie, dear. There's no place like home. And so peaceful. Johnny, you still haven't explained. Well, it adds up to this, baby. Max will kill Baldwin to get that bracelet. He didn't know that Baldwin had it sewed into his suit. And Helen Baldwin, suspecting what happened, disappeared in order to investigate. She found out that her father's body was in the tomb. Right. Now, she must have known where the bracelet was, too. She came back with it, accused Max will. He pulled a gun. She threw the bracelet out the window. Well, it can't you. But why did Max will lie and tell us that the dead girl in his office was his secretary Ruth Perkins? To protect himself and stall for time. If we knew who she was, our suspicion of Max will would be strengthened. He wanted to carry out the bluff by killing Ruth Perkins. They made a mess of that job, though. Yeah, but what good would that bluff have done him? Well, at the time Baldwin disappeared, his daughter told the police that there was some bad feeling between her father and Max will. Max will wouldn't have had a chance if the police knew the dead girl was Helen Baldwin. And that's why he removed her identification papers and things before we stumbled on the body. Johnny, darling, do you still feel you're fed up being a detective? Murder, mayhem, and monkey shines. It's the same old thing. I'm bored. Come here. Still bored and still feel you're in a rut. Mm-hmm. But who says I want to get out of it? Come here, baby. And so the curtain falls on two can die as cheaply as one, which was chosen by guest expert Harold Q. Messur. Mr. Messur is author of the recently published mystery novel, Suddenly a Corpse. Next week at this time, Murder by Experts brings you a drama of a young newspaper reporter who covers the biggest story of his career, only to find murder dogging his footsteps, as selected for your approval by one of the world's foremost detective story writers. Until then, this is your host, Brett Halliday, hoping you'll be with us again next week at this time. As cheaply as one was written by Milton Lewis. In our cast were Lawson Zerbe, Marilyn Erskine, George Matthews, Gene Ellen, Ralph Bell, John Gibson, and Bob Donnelly. Music is under the direction of Emerson Buckley, composed by Richard U. Page. Murder by Experts is produced and directed by Robert A. Arthur and David Cogan. All characters in our story were fictitious, and any resemblance to the names of actual persons was purely coincidental. We welcome all comments on this program, Murder by Experts. All letters should be addressed to Murder by Experts, care of the mutual broadcasting system, New York 18, New York. No talking speaking, this is the Mutual Broadcasting System.