 comedy store. It is my honor to present the one and only, Mr. Maz Gibranis! Thank you! Oh my god! I'm gonna cry! You guys are so nice! How are you? Hello! Mayor Jimmy Del Shah! Good to see you! How are you? Mayor of Beverly Hills showed up, motherfuckers! That's right! I don't mess around! Thank you, sir. You guys, I'm so excited to be here. First of all, thank you so much for all of you for coming out. I dressed in my Miami Vice Outfit just for you guys. Don Johnson! Look at me now! Oh my god! Listen, I'm so excited because this comedy special is about 23 years in the making, okay? Yeah, I'll tell you what I mean by that. 23 years ago is when I first came to the comedy store and became a regular and became a comedian and disappointed my Iranian immigrant parents. Because they didn't want this shit, you know what I'm saying? Like, who else has immigrant parents here? Who has got immigrant parents? There we go. Of course. Of course. Like, what's your background? What's your background? You, yes. Egypt! And what do you do? What do you do? Executive director. You see what I'm saying? That's something to be proud about, okay? Her parents were proud of being executive director. I don't even know what she directs, but they're, I don't know, but good for you. Who else had immigrant parents? Immigrant, there you go. What's your, what are your immigrant parents? Also Egyptian! Oh shit! Clearly, it's Egyptian night at the comedy store. And you're Egyptian as well? Look at, you look like an Egyptian me. Look at you. You bald, beautiful man. Look at you. Look at this. What a good-looking Egyptian man over there. What's your name, Egyptian man? Mina. There you go. Oh yeah, Mina. How are you in Mina? What do you do again? What do you do? Engineer. You see? I'm not even his parent. I'm proud of him. That's what they want, Mina. Not comedian! Mina, 23 years ago, I came to the comedy store. A lot of people don't know how you become a regular at the comedy store. The way it used to work, Mitzi Shor, who's the owner of the comedy store, she started the comedy store. She's now since passed away, but she was with us and she started this club 50 years ago. Give it up for Mitzi Shor first of all. Now, Mina, the way you would become a regular at the comedy store, you just have to go perform in front of Mitzi in the original room. There's a room next door to here. And you do three minutes in front of her. And if she liked you, she would get word back to you that she wants to see you do six minutes. She wouldn't tell you herself. It was like mafia shit, okay? I swear to God, you do your three and if they liked you, somebody in the hallway would be like, all right, come back for six. You'd be like, all right, I'll see you later. And if they liked the six, they go come back for ten. And then once you do the ten, she would sit in the back seat by the exit sign and she would watch you. And as you're walking offstage, if she liked you, she would let you know and she would make you a regular. Now, for me, this club, all the legendary comedians had gone through it. Richard Pryor, Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, my hero, Eddie Murphy, he'd been, oh my God. So I did my three, I did my six, I did my ten. Now I'm performing in front of Mitzi, of course, starting out. I'm talking about being Iranian, you know, she realizes I'm Middle Eastern. So I finish my set. I walk off the stage and I'm walking past her. And the whole time you want her to grab your arm. If she grabs your arm, that means you're going to be a regular. If she lets you walk through, it's like, fuck you, get out of here. Go be an engineer. No offense. No offense, Mina. Guys, it's about a 20-foot walk. It felt like 10 miles. I'm walking by. I'm like, Mitzi, please grab my arm. Please grab my arm. I want to be like Eddie Murphy. Grab my arm. As I'm walking by, her hand comes out, grabs my arm. I go, oh my God, it's happening. And then she pulls me close. She goes, you're very funny. I go, thank you, Mitzi. That's how she would talk. And then she goes, I'm going to make you a regular. I go, thank you, Mitzi. And then she goes, have you ever thought about wearing the outfit? I go, what outfit? She goes, you know the outfit, the hat and the gown. I go, hat and gown. She goes, you know the hat and the gown. I realize, oh shit, she wants me to wear a turban and a dystasha on stage. Because I'm Middle Eastern. So I looked at her, I go, yeah, sure, that's a good idea, why not? I sort of got, I walked into the hallway. I go, what did I just agree to do? This is bullshit. And for two weeks, I was finding ways to get out of the outfit. And I thought she would forget, because she was getting older, then I thought maybe she would forget. On Monday, the booker at the club, her name was Cory. She called me up. She goes, Ma, congratulations. Mitzi told me you're a regular. I go, yes I am. And she goes, she also told me you're going to wear the outfit. I go, shit. I go, Cory, what happens if I don't wear the outfit? She goes, well, you're not going to get as many spots. I go, okay, all right. So then I had to figure out how to get through this. So then I realized, Mr. Delshott, Jimmy Delshott, I remembered. I found out that there was this Iranian guy who had been making fun of the Mullahs in Iran, you know, the turban, the leaders of Iran. And he would do it on a Persian television. And so word had gotten back to their supporters. There was a guy making fun of them. So this guy was doing some kind of live performance in LA. And some of the supporters of the regime showed up. They threw a rock and they hit him in an eye. They blinded him in one eye. Yeah. And when I heard that, I go, that's it. I called the club. I go, hey, listen, Cory, I've been looking for the outfit. I got my eyes on some turbans. But I just want, you know, I just found out that there was a guy who was wearing the outfit and the supporters of the regime showed up and they threw a rock and blinded him. So I could wear the outfit, but they might come to the club and go after me. And worse yet, they might blow up the club. And then Cory goes, uh, let me call you back. She called me five minutes later. She goes, Missy said wear something comfortable. You'll be fine. I got out of where the outfit. And now I'm Miami Vice. Look at this. Shit, man. Oh my god. So the club turned 50 this year. I also turned 50 this year. I also, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I just want to point out, I said I turned 50. Not one of you was like, no way. So that's it's a little fucked up, people. When someone says they're 50, you're supposed to be like, you don't look a day over 49. But you guys were like, oh, you're gonna die soon. Who's in their fifties here? Anybody in their fifties? Anybody else? There you go. Beautiful young lady. There you go. What's your name, sir? Blake. Blake. Yes. The white man. How are you, Blake? Blake the white man. Blake, how old are you? How old are you? 59. You look great. You see how that worked? I did fuck it. Couldn't you have done that to me, you assholes? He looks horrible, but I told him he looks great. I'm kidding. You do look great, Blake. Now here's my question. You're 50 now. Did you get the shingle shot? Did you get the shingle shot? You did. Listen. This is what 50-year-olds talk about. I swear to God, Blake, I didn't even know what the shingle shot was. I swear to God, I was talking to some kid. The 20-year-olds have no idea, all right? I told the 20-year-old I got the shingle shot. I said, shingles are on the roof, bro. I go, no, it's a real thing. I don't even know what it is. I swear to God, Blake, I still don't know what shingles is. I just, I know as soon as I turned 50, they started running that commercial. Have you seen the commercial? It's the worst commercial ever. You're watching TV. He goes, are you 50 or older? I was like, well, yes, I am. And he goes, you might get the shingles. And then they show this guy, he's bent over in pain. He's like, and the voiceover is like, you will not be able to do anything with your life. You will stay home. You can't see your family. And then it shows the guy's skin is burning. I don't even know what the fuck's happening. I go, you know what? I went right to the doctor. Give me the shingles shot. I don't even know what it is. Give me the shingles shot. I got the shingles shot and I got my fourth COVID shot. Did you guys, you got your fourth COVID? Of course. I forgot I was 50 until I was watching the news and they were like, you know, if you're 50 or older, you can now qualify for your second COVID booster. And I was watching it go, wow, good for them. And I go, oh, shit, good for me. I got my fourth COVID. I got all my shots and I still got Omicron. Who here got Omicron? Who got Omicron? There you go. You got, you got Omicron. You got Omicron. When did you get it, sir? When did you get it? When did you get it recently or like back, like around the, when? January. January. There you go. What's your name, sir? Fred. Fred? Yes. You got an accent. Where's that accent from, Fred? Stockholm, Sweden. Stockholm, Sweden. Wow. I don't know what the fuck he just said back. Well, I learned how to say, how are you? And then he's like, I was talking to a party. I don't know what he said. I just went, oh, whatever. Fred, good to see you. Do you live in Stockholm or you live in LA? You just visiting? Yeah. Fantastic. And he still has his sunglasses because the sun doesn't set till late in Stockholm. He's clearly on Stockholm time. Fred's walking around. The sun will not go down till at least 11 o'clock maybe tonight. I'm sorry. That was like a German accent. I don't really know Swedish. My only Swedish accent is herd, a bird of herd, a bird of herd, dirt, dirt, dirt. Swedish chef. You know what I'm talking about. Fred, I got it around the holidays as well. Last December, I got COVID. At the time, I got Omicron. And at the time, I had Omicron and I was triple vaccinated. So by the time I was done with it, I had the antibodies and triple vaccine. I felt invincible. I was walking around Los Angeles just licking everything. I was walking in the Starbucks. Hello. I would like a frappuccino and a cookie. Why are you licking the counter? I'm triple vaccinated. And I got it. They say the symptoms for Omicron was head cold, lower back pain. Did you feel that, Fred? Is that what you had? What were your symptoms? What were your symptoms? Miner. Miner? Look at you, Swedish cocky motherfucker. Where is he going? My symptoms were minor, like your penis. I got the undertones, Fred. I got the undertones. He's just called me a bitch. My symptoms were like that. Very little symptoms, like your ding dong. Fred, every variant has had its own symptoms, like the original variant, right? You would lose your smell and taste, right? And then of course there was the breathing and then for Omicron, head cold, lower back pain. I wonder what the symptoms are going to be for the next variant. Like Shyamacron. Want to be the symptoms, right? Be like, I can't hear. Out of my left ear. And I have no sensation in my right nut. I got nothing. Oh, you got Shyamacron, motherfucker. How do you know? I went to the doctor. He got on his knees. Just started flicking my right nut. I couldn't feel it. Told him I got a quarantine for 10 days. 10 days. I'm going to quarantine my right nut. Blake, when I got Omicron last holidays, they used to say you had to quarantine for 10 days. I'll be honest with you. I have a wife and kids. Oh my god. It was the best 10 days. Of my entire marriage. I got to sit in the back room and watch everything on television. HBO, Netflix, Hulu. I subscribed to something called Discovery Plus. I didn't even know what it was. I go, fuck it. I got time. Let me discover some shit. And Omicron was so contagious when my wife and kids were bringing my food. They would leave it outside the door. And they would knock and they would run away. And every time I opened the door, I had to pretend like I was having a worse time alone. I saw it open the door. Oh my god. I love you guys. I miss you. I closed the door. Get back in bed. Okay. Succession season two. Let's see what happens to the Roy family. Narcos, Mexico. Let's learn some Spanish. Bendejo puto chingón cocaína. I'm fluente. Thank you very much. Halfway through my quarantine, the CDC came out. They go, you only need to quarantine for five days. I told my wife, I said, you can't trust the CDC. 10, 15, at least 20 days. I'll see you in a month. I'll see you in a month. Oh my god. I love you guys. Love you, baby. Thank you guys. Thank you. And like I said, I got the shot. I got the shot. I got that. Which one you said you got the shot to? Which one did you get? Which one did you get? Which shot did you get? You got all four, but like the brand, which Moderna, there you go. Okay. There you go. I'm proud of you. You were you were like responding to me like I was the LA city health Their fans of yours right there. There you go. There you go. Are those your doctors? Who are they? Oh your friends? They're so proud of her. You got the four shots. We're proud of you What's your name? What's your name? Homero. That's a persian name, Blake, right there Multiple syllables homero Holy shit And what do you do? What do you do? Currently unemployed. That's fine. That's better than this shit What were you doing before? Pharmaceutical sales. You go girl. There you go drug dealer fantastic Homero you got Moderna. Listen, I'll be honest with you. I got I got Pfizer and you know people. Yeah people Yes, people who got Pfizer are a little cocky. You know what I'm saying? People who got Pfizer like yes, I got Pfizer. Uh, I also have an American Express platinum car. Thank you very much Like homero, I try not to judge but I judge I sort of got people say I got Moderna. I go oh good luck to you Then I got Johnson and Johnson. I go you need better health insurance Then I got AstraZeneca. I go when is the funeral? No, I'm happy you got it. I'm happy anybody got their shot You know some people we know some people don't want to get their shot We all have that friend that didn't want to get the shot because he was afraid the government was going to put a chip in him I heard that I go who the fuck do you think you are? That the government of the united states Is concerned with what you're doing Tuesdays at two Who do you think you are the CIA senator? I don't know. I wonder what Tommy does every Tuesday at two Let's put a chip and find out You know how disappointed they would be after two weeks They're like this motherfucker's been sitting on a couch watching tiktok videos Can we get the chip back? By the way, if you have a friend who thinks they're gonna put a chip in them, let them know they already have it It's called your phone, right They know what we're doing, right? If you don't believe me try buying a pair of shoes on your phone. See what happens I started at home era a year ago. I bought a pair of nikes on my phone every time I turn on my phone It asked me if I want a Nike The other day I got on my phone went on safari right away. It goes you want a Nike? I got no thanks. I already have a Nike I did three scrolls. It goes. How about now? I go mother fucker. I told you about I don't want the Nike Then every app got in on it. I checked the weather. It goes. It's gonna be hot buy a Nike I got directions on ways. It goes make a left get a Nike I got so worried. I called my mom. I go mom some weird stuff is going on with my phone She goes you want a Nike? I go you too She goes maz. I go what she goes just do it That's that's the tagline for Nike Yes Thank you. Every time I do that joke. I get a dollar from Nike. Thank you Oh, kidding So my mom had an accent in that joke because as you guys know like I said, I'm Iranian and my wife is Indian All right. So are there any Indians tonight any there we go? Thank you all three four five That's how they multiply. You see how that worked We had four all of a sudden five by the end of the show one billion will be in here you guys My people right there my cousins So guys check this out. I'm Iranian my wife's Indian. All right now I got a theory whoever else who else here is in a mixed Relationship. There you go. What's the mix? What's the mix? What do we got? Thank you very much, sir He looked at me like I'm so stupid There's asshole black white You're so fucking stupid. You can't see Are you guys married you have kids I have you have okay. This is getting complicated now He said I have kids the white lady did not contribute at all What's your name my man? Jonathan so here's my theory my theory is if you if you have kids With your wife when you're in an interracial relationship when it comes time to name your kids There's a whole negotiation that begins. It's a compromise. You know what I'm saying? Like the example I like to do usually is like I say, let's say your Mexican guy actually married to like a Swedish woman. Let's say right. Let's say you have a kid right you right away your son. You go. I want to name him Jose The Swedish wife would be like I want to name him Ikea They compromise hos kia You see how that works So when my son was born, I went to my Indian wife out the gate I started with a nice Persian Muslim name right out the gate went to my wife my Indian wife. I go. Hey How about Mahmood? That's strong that's strong, right? She came back. It was a negotiation. She comes back. She goes. How about go fuck yourself I said, is that a very common Indian name? I go with his nickname be go fuck or yourself. What would Then it was a negotiation. I went back. I go. How about Muhammad? She goes asshole. I want him to travel. I go. Oh, okay Yeah, Muhammad's not a good name at the airport. That's not a good one So then I found a nice neutral Persian named Dara D. A. R. A great name, right? Nobody knows what it is, right? But then she wanted to Indianize it. So she added a silent h after the d So now it's spelled D. H. A. R. A Looks Indian is Iranian You see right She's happy. I'm happy. That's it. That's how the negotiation works But my favorite thing is when we go to the parent teacher conferences. Oh my god, white people You guys are so nervous about messing up ethnic names It's the most entertaining shit because his teachers don't know what to do with the silent h in Dara And they don't want to mess it up. They don't want to offend us. So we walk in I see his white teachers are sweating bullets And they start saying his name hoping that will help them out They're like, you know your son But there's no ha, where'd you see the ha the h is silent White people every time you see an h and a Muslim name you start going, there's no ha I told her relax. I did the h for my Indian wife. I wanted Muhammad She goes, you mean Muhammad. There's no ha When the lockdown first happened, um, I went online and I googled to find out if comedians are essential workers That's not the joke you bastards That's the setup to the punchline How dare you No, because we couldn't tour we couldn't do anything. We had to come up with things to do like Blake We had to come up with like like I tried to become an influencer I Swear to god. I didn't even know Mina. I didn't know what it was. I went and bought like a ring light. I didn't know what I was doing I didn't know what an influencer was until Dara my son. He told me about it I was walking with him in the streets. He saw this influencer. He lost his mind. We're walking Dara sees the influencer He's like, oh my god That's fence fencing I go, who the hell is fence fencing? He's an influencer He's got 5 million followers on youtube. He makes 10 million dollars a year I go, what does he do? He opens boxes What the fuck And then Dara said hi the guy says hi back Dara goes. He's so nice. I go, of course. He's nice He's making 10 million a year opening boxes You want to see an asshole go to the ups store. There's a guy closing boxes right now Pissed off that he's doing the wrong thing with boxes Your package will get there when it gets there next in line Go to FedEx get out of here We didn't know what to do. We couldn't tour my agents were like now during the lockdown is a good time for you to build your social media You need to post more videos on instagram. Who here's on instagram? Who's on instagram? There you go Yes, I don't know about you guys, but every time I post a video on instagram. I lose 250 followers I don't know where they're going I'm like, where are you going stay? What's your name? What's your name? Elizabeth do you have an accent too? Where are you from Elizabeth? Venezuela, bienvenudo. I don't know why I became a bullfighter. That was weird Hello, Venezuela Are you also venezuelan? Persian oh shit There you go and you guys are a couple Fantastic way to go. Wow. You're both enemies of america and you got together Yes These two met at an oil embargo meeting She saw him. Are you also going to keep the oil for yourself? Yeah He's like, uh, definitely. I'm not going to give it to america Fantastic the prices will go up So elizabeth and your name What is it? I'm mere fantastic. There you go buddy, but you guys aren't married. Are you? No, okay. Have you guys so you know the names just keep in mind It's gonna happen I'm telling you now elizabeth you said you are on instagram, right? So What's that you'll you see me on instagram? Oh fantastic. Thank you for following on instagram Here's my question. Do you read the comments when you post anything? Do you read the comments? You do these ladies are like, yes, we read the comments. God damn it Clearly they're the ones who are writing that this is bullshit. Okay. I can't believe The key fret the key is not to read the comments because you'll be disappointed I swear to god no because usually there's a comment start pissing you out. Let me tell you what happened This is what happened. I decided to eat right exercise lose a little bit of weight Then I thought maybe I will post the weight loss on my instagram page I can inspire my followers to lose weight with me So I ran I ate right. I got on the scale. I took a picture. I posted it Started reading the comments first comment, dude Your toes are ugly Your mother fucker Second comment. Why do you have purple shins? You might have corona virus. I go, what the fuck third comment want a nike I go mom get off my instagram Now i'm all over social media. I'm on instagram. I'm on youtube. I'm on facebook. I'm on tiktok I don't even know what i'm doing on tiktok Tiktok is like three second videos. I don't know what i'm doing. Okay When I first started doing stand-up back in the day 23 24 years ago They used to say you need to film a one-hour comedy special You put it on hbo people discover you your career takes off Then a few years later they go you got to take five minutes of the one hour You put it on youtube people discover you career takes off Then they're gonna get take one minute of the five minutes you put on instagram people discover you career takes off Now they say you gotta take three seconds of the one minute You put it on tiktok People discover you career takes off I told dara. I go dara. I don't even know what to do in three seconds I told my son. I go for three seconds. All I can say is hello. Goodbye He goes that's perfect I go, how low is the attention span of your generation? He goes what? Didn't even last You guys are awesome. Oh my god Been a crazy couple of years Comedians had to do zoom comedy shows Yeah, holy shit Who else who else you guys did business on zoom who else said yeah, there you go. There you go What was what's what's your name, sir? Josefa oh wow, what's your background? Indian shit. I've never heard josefa Was was did you have a mexican parent? What I said before Clearly clearly the negotiation happened Right the father wanted jose the mother wanted faruk. They went josefa That's how that works That's how josefa What was what were you doing on zoom? What was what's your occupation? You work for johnson and johnson, holy shit Holy shit This guy moderna you can look down on him now. There you go Like josefa. I don't know about this Josefa, I don't know how many meetings you have to do on zoom and what you do on zoom when i'm on zoom We have to do comedy shows. All right every time i'm on zoom I try to watch everybody else who's in the zoom meeting But inevitably my eyes work their way back to my face And I start noticing every fault on this fucking face I swear to god. I was they were pitching a tv show to me. I was listening all of a sudden. I look over. I go. Holy shit When did I get so old? I go look at these wrinkles. I got crow's feet. I didn't know where my eyebrows go. I have no eyebrows I don't know. I was this bald. Holy shit That's a big nose. What the fuck I wonder if it's smaller. It's bigger this way Josefa by the end of the meeting they got goes. What do you think of the tv show? I think I need plastic surgery And I thought about I thought about getting it I did because I found listen I found out if you want to like if you want your eyelids to open you go to the plastic surgeon they pull They pull your skin back So your eyes open. I thought maybe the guy could pull my skin back Give me some thick eyebrows thin nose some white teeth some nice hair Right and the key to getting work done. I found out you're not supposed to admit you had work done Right, so I'll be walking around Los Angeles all shiny People be like much did you get worked up like no I've been juicing How come you have a big ass that's elderberry juice Why do you have breasts that's turmeric turmeric my god You know who I was jealous of during the pandemic was doctors are there any doctors in the house any doctors There we go. What kind of doctor are you young lady? What kind? Gastroenterologist so you go gi right fart doctor, right? It's the best You got a lot of clients tonight the persians are here. We have a lot of gashes The indians, you know what a curries you're gonna have a lot just start handing out business cards on the way out Venezuela. Yeah, I'm spicy some shit You know, I was jealous of doctors doctors were doing zoom consults during the pandemic. Did you do zoom consults? You were there look at you with the mask. You were brave. Look at you. Give it up for her saving lives Yes My friend told me you could get a you could get a zoom consult Uh physical and I was like, how does that even happen? Because usually the doctors got to touch you to make sure you're okay How does that work? What do you get on the zoom with the doctor? He goes, okay maaz. Welcome to your annual checkup Let's get started. Okay. I need you to grab your balls and cough Are you feeling anything strange? No, okay stick your finger up your ass anything at all No, okay do the copay on the way out. You'll be fine. I was so jealous of doctor I should have been a doctor. I should have been a doctor Have you ever heard anybody say that to you before? People say stupid shit like that I'm happy you haven't heard it because some people will see like a doctor in a nice car. They go, I should have been a doctor Like it's a weekend extension course What's your name doc? What's your name? Melanie I knew I couldn't be a doctor from the fifth grade Yeah, when they brought that frog out remember the frog Guys remember the frog in the fifth grade they brought out a dead frog Melanie it was pinned to a tray With his arms out just like Jesus The most disgusting shit I've ever seen and they doused him in formaldehyde They put him in front of me. I raised my hand. I go teacher. What do you want me to do with the frog? She goes cut it open. I go fuck that you cut it open That's the day I knew I was not going to be a doctor. That's the day I became a comedian I swear to god, I went to the other side of the room. I just started telling jokes Right away. I go over go knock knock. They go who's there? I go not the frog He's dead. He's dead in formaldehyde I'll be honest with you the pandemic also made me realize I could never be a doctor Okay, because as soon as we could get those masks the you know the the the disposable blue masks We bought some of the disposable blue masks. I put it on with my big ass ears Big ass those things were hurting my ears so much I couldn't last five minutes in Whole Foods. My wife sent me to Whole Foods to go shopping Remember early on in the pandemic you'd get dressed up in like a homemade hazmat suit I was like dishwashing gloves ski goggles And the fucking mask I'd be walking around. I couldn't last five minutes in Whole Foods. I was like, this is bullshit I'm just gonna get the dried mangoes. I will come back for the quinoa. This is bull shit. My ears are hurting I would run into the car take off all my gear start eating my dried mangoes. Oh my god, my ears are hurting I couldn't last five minutes in Whole Foods. Meanwhile doctors Will operate on somebody for eight hours wearing the mask Right, they'll be in the operating room, right they get started scalpel. They cut the guy open And then a hammer. I don't know. I don't know what it is Uh Blender I don't know I'm cooking at this point Halfway through the surgery the nurse will be like doctor. Do you want a mask break? No god damn it We're here to save a life. I'll be here for eight hours. My ears will suffer If I were the doctor five minutes in guys, he's not gonna make it. I gotta go. This is bullshit I have dried mangoes in the car. Let's go guys I also got a cold during the coronavirus You can't get a cold during the coronavirus because everyone would think you had the coronavirus Right like getting a cold during the coronavirus is what it felt like being muslim after september 11th Yeah, everyone thought you're guilty Right like asians is what it felt like being asian during the coronavirus They were blaming it on asians right white people is what it felt like being white after january 6th That was your day mother puggers. I remember blake. I was watching the news. I go. Oh, shit. They got terrorists too I'm sorry. I'm sorry patriots patriots patriots White people have very funny names for their criminals Your terrorists become patriots your drug dealers become pharmaceutical rips Your killers become lone wolves Like what's a lone wolf? He's a killer who's white My favorite day was january 7th when they wouldn't let those motherfuckers get on the airplanes Don't know if you've seen the videos go home and watch the videos. These guys had the nerve They attacked the capital on january 6th. They had the nerve to go to the airport the next day Try to get on the plane. They were at the airport crying Do you see the videos? They're like, this is bullshit, man They won't let me on the plane, man. I have my boarding pass and I chose my meal They're not letting me on the plane man I was watching I go welcome to my world motherfuckers They haven't let my people on planes for 20 years My cousin mahmood is still walking across the country I go by the way when they didn't let the muslims on the planes. We didn't cry. We didn't cry. Okay We just walked away. We're like, okay fine I would just hijack the next plane That's how you do it I've been following the whole january 6th. I don't know if you heard about it But they obviously they put a lot of the people who stormed the capital They put them in jail and a lot of them when they were caught they said that they didn't mean to storm the capital They got caught up in the moment What kind of stupid ass bullshit white privilege excuse is that Because I don't know about you guys, but I've never been outside of a bank just using an ATM Looked over seen a bank robber run by Made eye contact. Let's do this shit motherfucker Go in front of the judge your honor. I'll be honest with you. Uh, I got caught up in the moment I was going for 20 dollars decided to go for 20 000. What the hell these things happen your honor I've been following I've been watching the january 6th hearings. I don't know if you guys have or not But I don't care what side you're on right or left. You should watch them. They're very entertaining It's the best tv show on television My favorite episode was that one where that girl Cassidy Hutchinson came out and she said remember her She came out. She said trump tried to choke his secret service agent And the people on the right were like no way and the people on the left were like, yeah way But I'm thinking you know what's interesting. We all as a country We heard that trump tried to choke his secret service agent. All of us were like, yeah, it's possible That's how crazy he is In the past if you heard like president eisenhower choked his secret service agent. No way. He's very stately. He would never do that But you hear trump you're like that could have happened. Definitely could have If you heard biden choked his secret service agent, you'd be like, how old was the secret service agent? How old was the guy? Oh my god during the whole Lockdown I was trying to exercise running a lot and now that I'm 50 like I'm getting injuries. So I got to start speed walking You guys know speed walking, right? A lot of immigrant dad speedwalk. I don't know I don't know if mexican dad do indian dad speedwalk. Yes speed walking is their thing. All right My dad speed walking for you guys, you know, it's like it's like where like the lower body moves upper body straight There's a lot of just And they're very angry that this is bullshit. Why did I come to this country? I had to leave my country to come here and walk these streets. This is bullshit My dad used to speed walk and he used to take us with him To go speed walking when I was like eight years old On a saturday. I'd be asleep my dad. Come on wake up. We're gonna go speed walking I was like dad. I'm eight years old. I'm trying to sleep. We're gonna go speed walking We go out the speed walk. He was twice my size So he would just walk away from me And I think that's how immigrant dad spent quality time with their kids Yeah, they would take you out and walk away because they wanted to tell you that life is hard Right, come on son. Keep up. There might be a revolution. You have to escape. Let's go Keep up. This is training for the next revolution. Keep up And then I realized we weren't there just the speed walk with our dads and our immigrant dads But also we were their therapists Yes, because immigrant dads don't go to therapy. They're macho men I don't care where you're from venezuela iran india mexico immigrant dads a syrian immigrant dads Don't go to therapy The kids are the therapists Once in a while we're walking. My dad would just unload on me I swear to god I'm one time. I was walking with my dad. Come on son. Keep up. I go dad. Wait up. Keep up son dad. Wait up son Son come here son your mother bitch Oh, shit I think we just had a breakthrough. That was good Your next session is gonna be free. That was really good. It was a different world Different world parenting was different like our our parents didn't do like birds and the bees Josefa did your indian dad do but no Didn't even know what it meant I asked my purge and dad. I go, can you do the birds and the bees? He goes son. We don't have birds and bees We have lawyers and doctors And I hope you be one You know how I learned about the birds and the bees? This is how I learned when I was in the seventh grade My friend david was walking home one day from school He found three grocery bags filled with playboys Just outside by the garbage. That's how they used to do it back in the day Then the guy was done. He would pay it forward Yeah, he was done with his playboys. He'd leave it outside. He's like some pervert will find this And make use of it David came up to me goes, listen, I got three bags of playboys. You want one? I go, of course I want a bag of playboys I took it home. I taught myself the birds and the bees I was very good at it. Thank you very much Thank you But then also having the immigrant entrepreneurial mentality Six months later, I took the bag to school and sold it to all the other boys Made a profit bought my first house. Thank you very much Nobody did birds and the bees now we got to do birds and bees I stumbled into the birds and the bees. Who's got young kids here? Who's got young kids? Anybody? There you go. How old how old are your kids? 12 and 18. There you go. How old are your kids? 17. Did either of you do birds and bees with your kid the sex talk? Did you do it? You did right you and you kind of did right you were like here. Let me get to get you started Right, you're like, here's a man. Here's a woman and here's a magazine. Go figure it out No, it's listen, I did I listen I didn't I didn't even mean to I didn't mean to do the birds and the bees I stumbled into it because we read books as parents now We read books and the books as if your kids ever ask you a question answer them honestly That's what you got to do, right? So I was watching when my daughter was eight and my son was 10 I was watching a tv show with them. First of all as your boy gets into his like teenage years boys get a little spaced out Like dara's a smart guy, but he's a little just And girls are sharp you're sharp my daughter is like csi fbi cia all combined She is paying attention Guys we were watching the tv show blackish great show right blackish First episode of the whole show. I didn't even I didn't know this was gonna happen I'm watching with the kids first episode of the whole first scene of the whole show The father walks in to his high school son's room He opens the door and the high school son is about to masturbate Like he's about to pull his underwear down the dad opens the door and he sees it He goes oh and he walks out and the son goes oh and he jumps on the bed. My son doesn't even notice My son he's just oh My daughter right away she goes what just happened I go what just what just what just happened like what just happened like on tv or in the world in the world She goes no what just happened On tv and the whole time i'm like be honest be honest be honest be honest Okay, this is like a busy baby. This is what this is what happened. Okay. This is what happened. I go okay What happened was uh, you know the the the kid is in high school and the father walked in the room And he was in his underwear and it was embarrassing So the father walked out and she goes oh, okay I go thank god. I just dodged the bullet Very next scene the father goes into the mother. He goes. Hey, I just caught our son playing with himself Again, my son just My daughter she goes what does that mean? I go, what does that mean? She goes yeah, what does that mean? I go, what is that that what is that? Okay. Okay. Be honest be honest be honest Okay, what that means I go what that okay playing with it what that means playing with it what that means with that mean playing with yourself What that means, is uh once in a while once in a while when boys are in high school They just they just um, they just squeeze their peepee just a little squeeze She looked at me like, what the fuck? I go, no, it's just a little. Just a po-po-po-po, just a little, just a po-po-po. And then she goes, did you do it? I go, listen, we don't have birds and bees. We have lawyers and doctors. Stop asking questions. Shit. It's just ongoing. And in the middle of all that, we got a pandemic puppy. Anybody else here get a pandemic puppy? There you go, you got one, you got one. Which kinds you get? Chihuahua, there you go. You guys live together? Fantastic. You said no? You said yes? Some weird shit's happening right now. Because Amir thinks they live together. Elizabeth's like, no, motherfucker, you don't pay rent. You guys got a chihuahua together, though, right? So here's the check. Was it your first dog, or he had a dog before? Yeah, see, I'd never had a dog. I'd never had a dog before the pandemic. Because, again, a lot of cultures aren't dog people. Like when I was a kid in Iran, like I wanted a dog, Iranians weren't big dog people when I was in Iran. Right, Mr. Delsha? We weren't big. When I was a kid, I asked my dad for a dog. He got me a rooster. I swear to God, I'm not making it up. Everybody wants to run out of here. And my dad, that's your dog, that's your dog. I went to school, they go, draw a dog, I drew a rooster. Because this guy's a fucking idiot. Then we came to America. America, everybody's got a dog. Americans love their dog. So when I came to America, we came when I was six. At the age of seven, I wanted a dog. So I went to my dad. Again, my dad, I wanted a dog. And again, my dad, macho Persian man, didn't even know how he could go about getting a dog. So I had another friend who was another macho Persian dude who had two dogs. So he goes to that guy, he goes, hey, listen, you have two dogs, give me one dog. And the guy's like, sure, take dog. Not one of them thought for one minute that these two dogs have grown up together. They're going to miss each other. Yeah, don't all the dog on me. I was seven years old. This dog showed up. It was the saddest dog you've ever seen. Oh my God, you don't even know. I would try to take him for a walk a bit. Come on, Lassie, let's go for a walk. He was like, fuck you, my name's not Lassie. I'm going to stay home and listen to sad music. Hello, darkness, my old friend. After two days, my dad goes, listen, dog doesn't like you, give dog back. I go, but I like the dog. Don't dog doesn't like you, give dog back. I go, I want the dog. He goes, you're lucky you can give dog back. Your mother doesn't like me, I can't give her back. Give dog back. So we gave the dog back. And I didn't have a dog until the pandemic. I was sitting there with my wife and kids. I have a request, wives, girlfriends, please don't ask your husbands a question when you've already made up your mind on the answer. This is bullshit. You guys do this all the time. Right? Like you'd be sitting around. Right, someone a little, yeah, you're ready. There you go, those two guys are upset. You know what I'm saying? You'll be sitting around and your wife will be like, should we get sushi for dinner? Right? And you'll be like, you know, I'm not in the mood for sushi. They'll be like, you're never in the mood for when are you ever in the mood? If you want the sushi, get the fucking sushi. I'll eat whatever you give me. My wife pulled that shit with the dog. We're watching TV, my wife goes, should we get a dog? I go, babe, I don't know if it's the right time for a dog. There's a pandemic, there's protests, there's an election. It's not the right time. She goes, you never say it's the right time. When is it ever gonna be the right time? I go, woman, if you already know you want the dog, then why are you asking my, just get the fucking dog. And then she pulls this bullshit. She goes, let's just go look at the puppies. What kind of bullshit, wife negotiating tactic, Indian negotiating, I don't know what that was. Who just looks at a puppy? What kind of Disney villain would I have to be? To just look at a puppy and not bring it home? Right, who sees the puppy? I don't want the puppy. I don't want the puppy. Destroy the puppy. Oh hell no, we saw the puppy, we brought her home. Little mini golden doodle. Yeah, I know, I know. My wife named, colors apricot, okay, she's cute. She looks like a little teddy bear. My wife named her Yasu. It's a Japanese name, thank you one person likes the name, thank you. My wife, so it's a Japanese name, it means peaceful. So now I'm Iranian, my wife is Indian, our dog is Japanese. Our nanny is Guatemalan, our neighbor is Korean. I could run a goddamn immigration office out of my kitchen right now. And I've learned a lot since we had the dog. For one thing I learned, I learned Japanese and Koreans don't get along, did you know this? I didn't know this till I was walking with Yasu. My little Japanese dog came upon my Korean neighbor, she goes, what's your dog's name? I go, it's Yasu, in Japanese it means peaceful. She goes, that's interesting, because Yasu in Korean means beast. I go, well that's interesting, because my dog is peaceful. She goes, you don't want beast? I go, I'm good. And then she walked away angry. And I was like, what the hell, why was she upset? I went to my wife, I go, why was the neighbor so upset? She goes, you idiot, they don't get along, what do you care, just tell her it's beast. So the next time I saw her, I said, listen, my bad, the dog is actually Korean, she's beast. And my neighbor was like, oh, very good, so she walked away. And then I kept walking and I ran into some Greek guy. He goes, oh, your dog's name is Yasu, you know in Greek, Yasu means hello. I go, Jesus Christ, we're gonna start World War III over this dog's name. I'm just trying to get her to take a shit so I can go home and take a nap. So now her name is hello, you peaceful beast. That's it. Yeah. And I'll be honest with you guys, I have, I've embraced, well, I love my dog now. I'm telling you, Elizabeth, I walk that dog, when I pick up dog shit, I feel more American than I ever have. That's what we do in America, we pick up dog shit. I feel more American picking up dog shit than when I got my citizenship paper. I pick up the dog shit, I hold it to the sky, I talk to my dad, father, I finally have a dog. I'm American father, because let's face it, Americans love their dogs, right? They hate their parents, but they love their dogs. A dog shit, they pick it up. The parent's shit, retirement home. Or Florida, same shit, you know what I'm saying. So you guys, so Yasu, so Yasu has this little pet, stuffed pet monkey that she likes to play with. She'll put it in her mouth and she'll come to you and she'll wag her tail. And she'll whimper, which means less play. So she'll show up, she'll be like, ah, which means chase me. So one night I was at home, I was washing dishes and Yasu walks in with the monkey in her mouth and she's walking slowly, she's not wagging her tail. And I'm looking, I go, why is Yasu acting weird? Then I look closer, I go, why is the monkey darker than normal? I go, oh shit, that's not a monkey, that's a dead squirrel. Yeah, I did the research, Golden Doodle, it's a golden retriever poodle mix, they retrieve dead animals and they bring it to whoever they worship the most in the house. Yeah, and up until then there'd been a competition between me, my wife, and the kids. Oh, she loves me more, she loves me more. And then she was walking towards me with a dead hamster, a squirrel in her mouth. Slowly I go, oh my God, she loves me more. And she's walking towards me like it's a scene from Game of Thrones, and she's bringing me gold. She's like, for thee, my Lord, I bringeth thy dead squirrel for thee, my Lord. And she drops and it just walks out backwards. And I'm washing the dish, I go, what the fuck am I supposed to do with it? So I put on all kinds of gear, wrapped it up, threw it away. Next morning I had to take the kids to school. The one thing I miss about Zoom school is the commute. Remember, the commute was so easy, oh my God. You just wake up in the morning, you go to the room, you'd wake them up, hey, wake up! Go to school! They'd get out of bed, they'd just walk to their desk. I'd go downstairs and tell my wife, listen, I dropped them off, you pick them up. Now you gotta drive them through traffic again, right? And my son, like I told you, smart kid, little spaced out. He has no sense of time. I was trying to get out of the house by 7.30, he walked downstairs at 7.29, like no big deal. Like one shoe on one foot, just starts telling me about a dream he had the night before. He's like, hey dad, what's going on? I had a dream last night and there was a waterfall, but the waterfall was going the wrong way. I don't know why it was going the wrong way. And I'm late, I'm like, hurry up, get in the car, get in the car! Like, all right, whatever, calm down, whatever, all right. And then he started walking the wrong way. I go, where are you going? The door's that way! Well all right, we're gonna go say bye to Yasu, calm down. Oh, oh, oh, oh. So now he's saying bye to Yasu, all of a sudden I hear him, he goes, oh no, she did it again! I go, what? He goes, come look! So I go look, now there's a dead rat on our lawn. Yeah, with his arms out, like he's waiting for CSI to show up to draw the chalk. And I'm sitting there, I go, oh my God, are we living with a serial killer? Cause she looks like a teddy bear, but now I'm getting worried. And the next day I saw her walking in the backyard with a little dead baby bird in her mouth. I go, holy shit, she's not a teddy bear, she's teddy Bundy. So now I get the kids in the car to drive them to school. The one good thing about my son being spaced out, when we're driving to school, he doesn't talk. He's in the back seat, just watching the trees go by. I have no idea what's on his mind. I have Yasu in the car, cause she's a pandemic puppy, you gotta take her wherever you go. She's in the car, pretending to sleep, but definitely plotting her next kill. My daughter Mila is in the front seat at 7.30 in the morning. She will not stop talking about shit that I do not care about. 7.30 in the morning, I'm hungover from the night before. My daughter, daddy, did you know that Ariana Grande was Italian, I thought she was Latina, did you know that? Did you know that Billie Eilish has a brother named Finning Eilish? Billie Eilish, Finning Eilish, 18 Grammys! Did you know Ed Sheeran, did you know that? Did you know that? I'm driving, I go, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but you're my daughter, so I'll just keep smiling and nodding. I don't know where she gets the energy. I don't know if the night before, when my daughter's sleeping, somebody just winds her up the whole night. So when she wakes up in the morning, I say, daddy, did you know that was... By the time we get to school, I'm so exhausted. They get out of the car, I turn on the radio, the news says the world is coming to an end. I look in the sky, I go, thank God. Ha-ha! Oh my God. You guys are beautiful. I got one more story I want to tell you. So this happened. We took the kids to a sleep-away camp. Have you heard of sleep-away camp? For those of you who don't know, sleep-away camp is where you get to drop your kids off for a week and just have a life. Oh, it's the best thing in the world, all right? And we signed them up for what we thought was a parkour camp. Have you heard of parkour? Again, for those of you who don't know, parkour is where kids learn to climb up walls and shit, okay? Like tough kids learn to fight, my kids learn to escape. I told them, you're ever in trouble, hop, skip, jump, jazz hands, get out of there. The jazz hands confused the assailant. So guys, we got in the car with our two kids, Dara, Mila, we started driving out of LA, 10 East, East, East, one hour out, 14 North Lancaster, two hours out. All of a sudden, I look around, I go, it's not very diverse out here. Then I keep looking, I go, there's a lot of American flags out here. Don't get me wrong, I like the American flag. But when I see too many, I get a little worried. Right, like if you guys, you go to the airport, you see one Muslim, you're like, hey, buddy, what's going on? You see a bunch of us, you be like, no, really, what's going on? You know what I'm saying, you know what I'm saying, Blake? Guys, we got to the camp. It wasn't a parkour camp, it was a skateboarding camp. Yeah, with parkour as a side activity. So it was a bunch of white skate rats, yeah, brah, shaka, shaka, brah. And I'm walking around with Dara, and Dara has darker skin, right, because of his Indian background, and Dara's looking around and goes, daddy, I think I'm the only person of color here. I go, don't worry about it, buddy, you'll blend in. There's your chance to make some new friends, there's your chance to meet people you normally wouldn't. I said, well, check in with you. So we left them. I call them the next day, I go, hey, buddy, how's it going? He goes, um, they're calling me Abdul. Oh no. I go, is that it? He goes, they told me to go back to Africa. I go, that's the wrong continent. And then I got so upset, I started tasting him comebacks. I go, go to the whitest kid and be like, whatever, Casper the friendly goes. Dara goes, who's Casper the friendly goes? My wife goes, you idiot, you can't give him a comeback from an 80s cartoon. So then I asked him, I said, Dara, what did you say back to them? He goes, I told them I'm gonna blow up their house. I go, way to go Abdul. I'm proud of you. Guys, I'm Maz Jobrani, that's the show. Thank you Comedy Store. Thank you Missy Shore. Thank you Comedy Store. Thank you guys, beautiful people. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm big of a crowd to get tape. If it were a good crowd, I would want you guys to tape it so I could get that tape to this Aspen guy. But it's not a big crowd, so I might have to like leave my material, work the crowd, do some butt jokes and stuff. And it won't necessarily be my set about me, which is what I want the Aspen guys. So, and that's a gamble too, maybe it comes out one night and there's not a good crowd. Then I'm screwed again, because I gotta work the crowd. I can't get up there and just do my material about myself. People are just sitting there looking at me, you know? So, that's it. Good? So let me go find out where they are. Who? In terms of the lineup.