 to you. Thank you so much for sticking to Y254 TV. This is The Power Talk Show and I am your host Sheryl Blessing. I hope you've had a lovely evening. We're coming to you live from Nairobi Kenya and this is the show where we try to impact you and educate you on matters that affect your current affairs. And this evening we're talking about something that is pressing because not many people talk about this. We really avoid the topic of parenting. We want to understand what is the impact of parenting because all of us had mothers and fathers or even guardians who nurtured us to be the people who we are today. What is the impact of the guardians that we had, the role models that we had? How can we be better parents and how can we help this generation become better? And joining me on set tonight is Zipora Wanieki who is a counselor, a teacher, and she's a businesswoman as well. Hi Zipora, how are you? Hi, I'm fine. Thank you. How are you? I'm fine. Thank you. Awesome. Good to see you. Looking lovely. It's good to see you too. Thank you. My guest is Edwin Diego who is a pastor at Inspiration Embassy. Welcome again, Pastor Edwin. Thank you so much. It's great to be here once again. And it's great to have you as well. And always a blessing. Yes, amen. So we're looking forward to having a very impactful conversation. We want to understand what is the impact of parenting. Your parents, what impact do they have on your character, on your moral values, and even your religious values. So I want you to go to our social media platforms which is at Y254. This is on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. We've made a post so you can write us a comment. Please ask us any questions if you have any opinion that you want to share with us. Nataka, you go to our social media right now and you ask anything that you have to share with us. So I feel like this is a very important conversation because generations have been changing. And right now we have a very new generation of young parents who sometimes do not have any guidance on how they can become parents and how they can offer leadership to their children. So perhaps we can start with Zippora. You can explain to us what are the different parenting styles that exist in the according to the psychological order, the counseling field. Thank you. Thank you very much. They are quite a number. And you know when I was coming, I was remembering someone who asked me that when they were parenting their children, before they go, the kids, they had 10 theories of parenting. But when the kids came, they did not apply any single theory into that parenting. So you realize that you may have so many. But they're quite a number, but you can maybe do a summary of them. There's one parenting style that we call authoritarian. That is the first one. Very common with our parents, especially people from our generation. Authoritarian parenting style is whereby the parents are very, very strict. Their say is their rule. What they say is, you don't go asking why they don't give you room for that. So what they do is they dominate with the fear, a lot of threats. You know, they keep on threatening you and you know there's nothing you can do about it. So authoritarian parents, they give more of orders, threats, punishment, a lot of punishment in that home. So the kids learn to follow the orders because mom says so. They are lost. We are going to come and look at maybe their effect in adult. Those people, they're just there. They follow and they become habitual liars because you're afraid. So those are authoritarian. It's not the best. We come to the second one. We call it authoritative. Allow me to skip it, then you shall come to it. Let's talk about permissive, parenting. Permissive, parenting is whereby you allow kids freedom with no restriction. They are there. Whatever you want to do, you are not restricting. You're more of a friend to these children. And you know, when we're doing counseling, we always tell Kenyans, don't be friends with your child. They know where to look for friendship when they want. Just be there. Be there to guide them. And otherwise, if you are friends, they will build houses on top of you. So permissive, parents, they allow kids to be. Whatever it is, they cry, you carry them. They want ice cream on a rainy day right now and you are there, you cannot say no. So you give them a lot of freedom. Those are permissive. They allow a lot of things. Somebody will watch TV even at 2 a.m. Because I am a father and I am a mother. Then talk about another, I call it uninvolved, this dangerous uninvolved parenting. Uninvolved parents, they are just not concerned. They are not there. They don't know, like, you know, we are living in there or CBC, we are Kesha Muneza Aetishua, Beach Boys, Kesha Kutumu Aetishua. I don't know what, they don't know what their kids carried to school and what they did not. They don't know whether the uniform is tough or not. They don't know whether the kids ate or not. They don't know whether the kids are sick or not. They are totally not there. It's very dangerous because these kids, they learn to be independent, they are given freedom but there is no supervision. Nobody gets feedback. So uninvolved parenting. Then we have another one, we call it over-involved. The opposite of this one. Over-involved parents, what they do is that they are there to do literally everything for these children. In other words, we can use the word micromanagers, quote-unquote. They micromanage everything. You know, there was an advert that was running around about Akoshi as mom somewhere. The kid goes to pray, you're there with something, you're wiping with all the detergents, you're very worried. No, those. You don't allow the kids to be. You find a block, you remove for them. You never let this child develop anything by themselves. When they grow up, they don't try new challenges. They cannot handle new challenges. You are there over-involved parents. Very, very bad. So the best that we advise, what you can say the best in the market is what you call authoritative. Remember, I started with authoritarian. Authoritative parenting. Now, this is whereby you set rules. You set goals. You set high expectations but you also supervise and help them be. You help them. You say, I want you people to clean this room by then and you also explain why. So there is flow of communication. You support their ideas and you explain while the other one was, those people are very dictators. This one does not have, but it still have expectations. I expect people to behave in a certain way because of this. So when children are given the freedom to be themselves and they are monitored, you have set clear goals and you monitor them. Now, they come out as considerate people. They will not lie because they know their consequences for that. They are balanced emotionally. So that is the best that we can talk, be authoritative as opposed to authoritarian. And I like the way you've really clearly defined that because we can even tell generation to be authoritarian. Because even our parents, oh yes, and then the generation right now, they're very permissive. If you have your phone, have your internet, everything without much of the rules and the restrictions. Yeah. So let me understand from the religious point of view, what does the Bible say about parenting? What are the guidelines the Bible says when you become a parent? What are you supposed to do? How are you supposed to teach your children so that they can become functional members of society? Wow. It's an interesting conversation and I'm really loving it. I've heard people say many times that, you know, when a child comes, a child does not come with a manual. You've heard people say that. But I believe when a child comes, comes with a manual, which is the word of God because the Bible says bring up a child in the ways of the Lord and when they grow up, they will not depart from it. And according to the word of God, it means a parent should be more of an example than an instructor. You understand? You are to show them the way. You understand? You are to demonstrate to them the way. Because many parents, why does parent would fail? It is because we want to tell children what to do, but we ourselves as parents, we are not doing that one, which we are expecting them to do. And something very interesting, Sheryl, children do not learn from what you tell them. They learn from what they see you do as a parent. So it should be so. So the word of God expects us to demonstrate to children what we expect them to be, not just to give them an instruction. And then to them it is an instruction. And then when it comes to you, I hear that people say, we should not gain children. The word of God advocates for gaining as part of discipline. When you read the book of Proverbs, it says that if at all you spare the rod, you will automatically spoil the child. So the word of God asks us to demonstrate. When you read from the book of Ephesians chapter number six, it gives an instruction to both the parents and to the children. But what have we done? Parents speak about children, obey your parents in the Lord for disease, right? And then it ends there. They never go to the extent where it says, fathers do not expiryate your children, or do not offend them. Or even provoke. They do not provoke your children. Actually, that is the word. Yeah, it is, it is two sided. When you read the book of Deuteronomy chapter number six, it says that we should be able to teach the ways of the Lord to our children from the time when they are, when they are young. And that's important because one thing we all know, children are sponges. They absorb what they see, what they hear, their environment, what is around them. That is what they absorb. And it informs who they become. Yes, because you can tell a child, I want you to read, but you're not reading. You always on your phone, you're watching TV. Then you're not even guiding them so that they can read. So I want to understand before we talk to, we talk about the children who then become adults. Let's talk about the parents. Because the parents, most of the way you've said, there are so many books about how to parent, what to expect when you're expecting. But when you get a child, it's different. The reality of it is actually different. So let us understand what are some of the things that we as parents can do that will impact our children. Maybe we had past traumas that we haven't healed or we are carrying so many baggages and frustrations that we pass on to the children. So what will influence the parents to become like authoritarian or even permissive or over involved? What are some of the factors that influence this? Thank you for that question. I mean the education sector, I'm also in the counseling sector. So you can imagine this is my every other day job. I deal with those cases. I was doing a statistic and I realized that over 90 percent, and I'm using the word 90 just to be a bit fair, over 90 percent of the troubles we have with adults outside here. Or let's just put it 95. They are actually not formulated when they were adults. They came from where they were brought up. You find somebody who is moody. You cannot explain why these children were brought up in the morning, sat in the afternoon, very disorganized. You go back to where they came from. You realize that she's not here. So looking at some of the problems that have come across all the impact of your parenting on these children, I want us to sample one case. We can sample more cases, but let's sample this parent we call uninvolved because they're very dangerous. An involved parent was not there when the child was growing. And I want you to understand when I say being not there, sometimes you can be a present absentee. You know that you are there, but you're not there. You are there, but you're on your phone. So these kids are just like, mommy, how do we calculate this? Yeah, more of this. And you're like, go talk to your auntie. Why are we paying fees? Let's just tell you. So you are there, but you're not there. So this kid has been given freedom to do whatever they want and nobody supervises and no feedback whatsoever. So the parent has detached. What have you done to that child as a child? Number one, this child learns that I cannot trust anyone. So do you go to the marketplace outside here and you find adults who cannot trust others. They have trust issues. You can backdate it while they're growing up. You come at this child has nobody to correct them because discipline must be, you know, we say if you're a disciplinarian, you have to offer discipline and explain why. So this child did wrong. Nobody was there to correct. So here you are, or maybe you are yelling at the child because as parents, we are known for yelling, but they were yelling a lot. Somebody was asking, can you parent without yelling? Yes, you can. So you're there yelling at these children because of a mistake that you never gave guidance. So what have you done to this child? This child will now fear to show their emotions. So have you found these people outside there who are killing others ruthlessly? They were given a lot of freedom and nobody supervised what they were doing. They are very bitter with themselves, by the way, these children. So number one, they have trust issues. Number two, they are emotionally repressed. They don't show their emotions because nobody was there. You know, we will come and talk about attachment styles. You can have secure attachment as a child or insecure attachment as areas by the time of six years. A child who is one year of age, you will know whether they were securely attached by the bond they have. But all these two children who are there clinging and, you know, running after mommy and crying when mommy is leaving, they are not securely attached. So how well they are attached will determine who they become as adults. So talk about that girl who has learned number one, not to trust people. Number two, no emotions. Number three, they have difficulties in forming a relationship. Those children as adults, they, you know, I don't want to misquote me, but you'll find that somebody is at the age of 30, 40, or even now senior bachelors, but still has trouble in choosing a marriage partner. Not that they are not there in the market, not that suitors are not looking for them, but just back date where they came from. And you realize that these children had issues when they were growing up. So most of the problems you find, for example, you must have dealt, and even pastor in your congregation, you must have dealt with these people who are untouchable, moody. They just moody. You're working on eggshells, you're afraid you might offend them. They have some very fragile ego. And you ask yourself, so where did this come from? You look at your words, select your words well. Lest you talk, where are they coming from? They're coming from a past. Why they were children? Someone did a mess on them. That is why they are nurturing that and you bring it to adulthood. So talk about these people who are moody, especially some children. You could look at children and you see that these children, because one of the characteristics is that they are attention seekers. They seek a lot of attention. And we were doing another theory and we were saying, did you know if the baby does not suck well, these children you're bringing up, if they do not suck well, that thing will backfire when they are adults? Because there's a stage we call the oral stage, where you do things with your mouth. You know, every other time the baby puts their finger in the mouth, it's a stage that they have to grow. If this child did not have to grow that stage, they become fixated. And so as adult, you look for things to do with your mouth. Part of it could be smoking, to be to true, to be to true. So whatever behavior you see in adults, I say 95 percent, back date it well, this child was still young and you can tell where the mess really came in. So the impact, so if you're a parent and you are there, that you are one year old, remember you're parenting a citizen. You will not be with this child forever. By the time they are 14 years on a condo care. So if you're not able to shape this personality, because we say between zero and 12 years, these two kids are learning, observing, passively you see them and you think you could be talking something, you make it two up and you think they are not hearing. They are recording everything. And their brain, I don't know how many gbs I don't know, is recording everything. Teenagers, the time they start acting, whatever they saw while they were growing up. So most of the problem that we can see with adults started there. So while you're bringing up your children, know that their impact, how well you handle them. For example, somebody who is a habitual liar and you dealt with those people, right? Where did it come from? Why do we lie to avoid punishment? Where did it come from? Although it's a parent, because you knew, you said to me, I will die, I will be dead. You will be done for. And because I cannot do that, what do I do? I lie. The chicken passed and kicked it over and you develop and there you are. So many of these behaviors that you see even in counseling. And I feel like that's a very important point to take note of. We are the product of our parents. What our parents did, what we saw as children, we are the product of that. And unfortunately, these days, most people don't even acknowledge that or address it. So they'll just say, and then you accept. It's very interesting the way you said, can you parent without yelling? Because I've had my cousin staying over, and I'm telling you, they've been shouting. So maybe we need to learn to do better, because what we do will influence their characters when they get older. So I also want to talk about the perspective from the male perspective, because the fathers will live parenting to the mother and then the fathers will be mom and you and I am total. So I want to understand what is the value of the father being present and not just being present but actively engaging with the child and even teaching the child. What is the value of that? Wow. First of all, from the believer's perspective, the father is the priest of the homes. And any value you would want to see in your child, it is you to put in as the father. And appreciating the fact that you are part of what is to be happening in the life of your child. Many times, we have ever heard a comment where someone says, oh, you are as foolish as your mother, something like that. The question is when the child was becoming as foolish as the mother, where were you as the father? I can give you my personal example. Most of the meetings in my son's school, I'm the one who was attended the meetings. I follow up with the academics and I try to ensure that I am balancing in that if at all, yeah, I may not be present at home because I'm maybe I'm taking activities the way I'm now a tough tier. I am part of his life whereby in school, most of the times, it is me who has done what he has seen there. So the main factor of parenting is very, very key that as a father, you need to give direction to the life of your children. Of course, with the cooperation of the mother and all that. And when it comes to matters discipline, because mostly if you go to families and inquire who is the disciplinarian of the family, in most of the cases, you will find that if at all, the mother is involved so much, you discipline, you understand. But if at all, the father is the final authority that if at all, the mother cannot discipline this child, when he is taken to the father, then the discipline will take effect while the father is seen as a what, as an authority, you understand. So as much as one can live it to the other, one can feel they are much involved in the other. I feel that hierarchy should be keenly pursued so that there are those parents who have their kids who are older than others, so that you are not only parenting alone. If at all, you are the first born in the family, what is it that you can be able to do as a first born? That if at all, it doesn't work, you are able to forward it to your mother. If the mother cannot manage, it is forwarded to the father, so that that accountability and parenting is made as interesting as possible. And I would say the parenting is dynamic in the different families. We cannot use the script that I use in my house as the same one that she is using in her house. And the scripts are very, very different because even when these kids are coming, they are also very, very dynamic. They are kids who are attached to their mothers, they are kids who are attached to their fathers, despite the gender. I've had people say, oh, it is in terms of gender. I have my son who is the last born. And he's the only one who sings in the house. Daddy, daddy, daddy. Here he's a boy. And people say, oh, girls seem to be so much attached to their mothers and all that. So I believe parenting is dynamic and we should look at it in that particular manner. Yes. It has just reminded me when we were growing up, Pastor, your mother would thoroughly beat you. After that beating, she tells you, wait until your father comes. Yes. They are wondering, what is the kind of education that can help you. What will dad do when he comes? The chairman of the disciplinary committee. Of course. And you know, I like the way you've said that because the father should be an authority in the house because the father is the head of the household. And you know, there was a video I watched on Twitter where people were just big questions and questioned on the streets. So families, fathers are with their children. When was this one born? The father doesn't know. So out of about six fathers, only one was aware of the birthday and how many years, what class, the name of the school. At what school are you in? At no, that's my sister's school. But the mothers know the answers. So it's very important for the father to be present because even the children will learn from that. The male and the female children will learn from that because as we've said, that is what will influence them. When they get out here and they are dating and looking for partners, they will reflect, how was my father back home? How was my mother back home? So as we're progressing with this conversation, I'd like you to go and maybe you can share a comment that you have. Maybe you have a young family that you're wondering, how should you parent so that you do not affect them? Or maybe you have some trauma from your parents and you want to understand how you can learn some of the trauma. So go on Y254 and engage with us. Share your opinions and we will sample that as we progress with the conversation. So I feel like the next step we can go to is the attachment styles. Let us discuss the attachment styles because as Pastor has mentioned, some children are more attached to the father, some are more attached to the mother. So what brings about these attachment styles and what are the different types of attachment styles that exist? Thank you. Let me start by saying there's this person called Eric Erikson and I told you there are so many theories in this world. So Eric Erikson looks at the stages of development and at what stage and what. Then there's also another psychologist called Sig Moodfrid who really had a lot of impact on psychology and disgust and they could tell that at each stage there's some qualities or some characteristics you expect and after now this child is done with the oral stage where you're done sucking you know with the babies. They come to the annual stage. This is whereby children tend to derive pleasure from the private parts especially when they are one year, two years, they love touching their private parts. No no no when you're bringing up a child you you'll notice some of those things they have to touch their private parts and then you might say it's a stage. They're not even know but they're just going through it. After the annual stage now you will come to this stage whereby we call it the phallic stage. Now this is whereby as a pastor was saying that the boy really wants to be attached with you. So at this stage the girl wants to be attached with the daddy the boys want to be attached to the mother. It is now normally the vice versa so you want you look at the girls it's now that they're starting to know who they are the boys are knowing who they are and so they feel so much attached to their father if it's the girl if it's the boy attached to the mother and they are so jealous about it while they are growing up the jealous of the overprotective of that. After they outgrow that now they later go and they start forming their own relationship at teenage they get attached to I mean attracted to the opposite gender and it is normal see my people it's normal it's only that you guide them. So now that is you expect that when they're growing up and that is why we say if you're a father you're there and you're parenting a girl it is very very much important that these children know these girl knows you know make it habitual that you tell them you love them let them hear from you the male figure because if you don't tell them and that is what they are yearning to hear they'll hear it from the motorbike guy outside there they will hear it from the neighborhood and you will not like the impact so normalize talking to them showing them love and everything because you are there for that reason so if a girl likes fatherly love in future you will notice something because they are there they are looking for something they're something they are looking for safety and security and they cannot really find it with the mother and so where they get a boyfriend they tend to be clingy but you are the one they can even be in an abusive marriage and you don't know it you've heard of a narcissistic relationship who is a narcissist people who are very controlling and everything narcissistic will get these people because these children you know these people they want somewhere they can you know be attached so that brings us to the attachment styles that we have to make it easier let's just say bonding while a baby is born they have a love language there is what they understand to be loved because they don't talk they're not talking the the the the the the or else they have not thought they are developed the language but they still know you love them or not and did you know that even babies you've ever seen somebody and that stage they know who is good and who is bad they have a way of telling you and don't know your face I don't like your face as young as the small babies that you see because they also develop stress even those small babies can get stress I hope you know that yeah they can at that age so when this baby is growing up in a happy family a family where the mother is there the father is there and they are safely attached there there are no kills it is not a dysfunctional home these child get a sense of security a sense of safety feel safe and secure I was telling someone else um when you were born you only had two fears did you know that only two fears it was not there you only had two fears the fear of falling and the fear of loud noise only those are the two fears that are out there at birth all these are the fears that you have but you've developed from the environment you brought me because of your environment but that is why if you're throwing a baby up you see them if you drop something you see them those are the only two fears they have so when this child is securely attached you have sorted that they don't have the fear as a result what happens to them as adults they will form healthy relationship they'll be able to be considerate to others they show empathy they show emotions they are able to help others they are not you know they are not um you know these people who are called uh me myself and I nobody else exit beside them as a result of this permissive parenting if you are a permissive parenting and you're doing everything for them and everything for them those children learn never to share everything in yake they can go for a trip and the neighbor does not have anything to eat and this one has 12 sausages and cannot share it's all of them it's me mom says I don't share I was surprised it's the parenting the parenting tells what do you what do your kids grow hearing what do you tell them what do you tell them about sharing what do you tell them about being kind to one another because they start as at an early stage most people who have trouble is because they're starting parenting at 20 want to come and state your rules they're it will not work if it did not start there it won't work a child who is securely attached bonding from that tender age the mother could hug you know they are punishments but they are not harsh they are they are explained about me so that child grows with love now the other type of attachment is insecure attachment it can go it can have several subgroup where we talk of ambivalent you can talk of anxious and disorganized and but we want to summarize it in one word and say insecure attachment now this child has grown but has grown where is not given enough attention enough love in a dysfunctional home where they are chaos all over and so they hear the mother and the father fighting and the shouting and you know young as they are that trauma is real to them and and and if you're a parent and you fight before your children you really need to reevaluate yourself it's really bad it does a lot of damage to them while they grow up they might become two things one they might become bullies a bully is somebody who saw their mother being battered and want to stand for themselves inside their cowards but they want to they are portraying something from outside if not that while they go they may replicate what they saw dad battered mom i'm also so battling women what is good for dad is good for me so what i mean i chop a wango are you seeing that all they grow with bitterness a lot of bitterness for no proper reason so they carry it from their childhood into their marriage which becomes very bad so these children who are insecurity attached because there was no love there was no attention and don't take for granted about attention because these are the children who later come to develop what you call attention seeking behavior if this child is there your parent and you realize that when you're there they they are screaming you know there's a there's an age we allow the child to come and tell you mom i want this mom i want this mom i want this and they're screaming in your ears you know they are either they are super ego thing but now there's a stage they have outgrown that so if you find that this child of yours is repeating things and screaming to your ears they are only trying to draw your attention you know attention seeking behavior has led to what you see in schools today somebody burned the school what were they looking for it was not in burning that they were getting fun but if dad you cannot come on a normal parent day if you cannot come on an academic day then let me do something that will bring you to school you burn the school so exactly so if you cannot call you in peace then you come in chaos they they are seeking attention so when you try to look at some of these things you realize that they carry a lot of weight what you do to these children if they were not securely attached even in future they carry that they don't have a very good relationship most of them will tend to hide their emotions some are very lost in life very lost the the follow things when others have said them they don't stand for themselves they don't know what they want in life you look for it their attachment style where they were still young talk about these people who are disorganized very I'm not talking about these disorganized that you did not put your things well because that one has everything to do with your who brought you up and maybe even your personality but I'm talking about someone who is disorganized that cannot even hold a job for a month cannot follow rules cannot do what that kind of cannot even stay with the espouse our wife or our you look at this person and you know you are not securely attached while you are still young as early as age one that is when we can be able to you can do a test and you're able at age one you can tell a child we securely attached and one who is not last it goes up to around six years after six years forget about it exactly don't see your friends or even someone you're dating and a behavior certain way and then you assume echo to evil you have to find out what is the root cause exactly what happened when they were being brought up so I also want to talk about the aspect of single parents because nowadays we have a lot of broken families where people are raising children by themselves either the father or the mother by themselves I want to understand what is the impact of that how does that influence the child it has a lot of psychological damage on the child because in a normal setup when you find that there are children who are brought up in a family personally I can openly confess that I was brought up in a in a single family and one of the most torturing questions in my life was when you go to school and perhaps your friends and other people they are they have ever seen uh they have seen both parents so you as they only see you one parent always tell me so they're asking there was no question that used to torture me like that question where they were asking where is your father and you will find that most of the times the issues of parents now begin to affect the children perhaps we are in a relationship with you Sharon and we have a kid and either you have gone with a kid or have gone with a kid and you find you would want to defend yourself to the kid you would want to tell the kid how bad I am or I would want to tell the kid how bad you are we are making the key to do it to choose sides which is very very very dangerous because at the end of the day when this kid comes to discover themselves or they know themselves they do not know what to believe exactly whether what the father said or whether what the mother did what say so when it comes to single parenting it is always advisable that as you're bringing up this child don't portray either parent in a negative way keep the kid out of your issue it is always advisable and when the kid comes to a level where they can be able to understand if you feel there is anything they need to know let them know when they are at an age where they can be able to do to understand but don't make them portray for instance you are a lady and you are bringing up a culture and you are portraying men in a way that is in a way that is not good yeah there is this statement they have always spoken about men I don't want to mention it on a damaging statement they say oh you know all men are all it is not so so when this child is is coming up they see men in that way it is always very very wrong so in single parenting ensure that you play your role as a parent and we always insist do not deny the child the opportunity to meet the other parent if at all you parted ways it was negative it never worked kindly content with that but don't bring a child into your issues yeah because you know that's one thing that parents really fail to understand we were having this conversation a few weeks back about divorce and separation sometimes you bring the child into it and this child is probably five years old I live with what is going on it is so it traumatizes them it is the most difficult place to put a child where they need to to choose and at the same time when you get to a place where you are denying that particular child the love of the other person it really becomes something bad for that child because you are molding you're molding this and then I like what my sister said that many things are beginning the life of a child is very very foundational yeah it's very very foundational and the foundation you lay in that child like if at all I can just digress a bit many people who their self-esteem is low where does it become begin to become from the childhood when this child is coming up and any moment they would want to express themselves you are shutting them you are suppressing them yeah so you'll find they'll they'll be difficult if at all for instance there is something so private about this child yeah let's use a very very basic example bedwetting yeah and when this child has has wet they are bad and you want to call them out in the you are not giving them their privacy they will feel they are they are being disrespected and wherever they are they will feel I'm not fitting in well yeah so any moment you are shouting at them whatever you are injuring is their self-esteem you understand yes so back to the the issue of single parenting if you want this child to be secure and to be okay wherever they are yeah give them both perspective of the irregardless whether that relationship worked or not so it means if you would want to argue with the person who disappointed you seclude the child from that particular argument argue all that you can and ensure that the child is getting the right picture of the fighting if they inquire so much tell them when you are able to understand we'll be able to talk about this and I think that's very important because so many people have been raised like that with a single parent they had no understanding daddy a copy mommy a copy when you ask in a corner kelele and you know that really affects children because you can only understand when you get older when you get to 18 19 20 that's when you can fully comprehend and another thing is when you separate the child from a parent that also creates a rift because there is love that comes from both parents and the children need that they need their attention because it can lead to resentment and a lot of things that will affect them in future that is true so let's say you have been keen who are very careful about not mentioning something negative about daddy a mama me but now you have found another partner because I know so many people who are also single parents when they find another partner it's difficult because at what point do you introduce them to the children and that how do you even know if this is the right person to introduce to the child because there's also the worry of is it going to work out or is this person going to live again and then another person comes in so Zipora how can you advise someone who's maybe a single parent and they are dating and they want to introduce someone to the children how should they do that how should they go about it and how can they even assess this person if it's the right person or if the situation is going to last thank you we start by saying diesel when a mother is expectant let's say you have a first born now you expect and you're expecting a second born you don't wake up one morning you go to the labor ward the maternity ward get a baby and then you come and introduce that second baby home you will have created enough conflict enough seedbring library because this child who was alone here is already feeling entitled this is my small empire this is my kingdom I roll these are my toys these are my things when you put fruits there their mind no one comes to touch them now you're introducing another baby who become the idol of the home so their attention is not is not going to shift from the mother I mean from him or her to this new baby this is always going to be rivalry so if you're a wise person you will you know when you know you are for months five months the the pregnancy is showing up the baby bump you call them polo polo you know what daddy you know what mom we're expecting a baby come sing for the baby prepare this child polo polo polo polo even when it is come read the story for the baby and by the from the doctor's perspective they say that those babies here they hear everything they're singing they're humming and everything so by the time you go to the hospital this child who is here is already aware that we're going to have a new baby and we'll be excited about it but so if you are a parent you're a single parent there and now you have a child because things stuff do happen what we're doing we're being only angels so this will happen you you came there we had expectations that marriage will work it did not work for one reason or another and so you had to part ways but while you were parting ways you had a baby so this child and you want now to introduce a new father or a new mother start my pema while you're going on your dates tag this child along watch our bond and let the bonding start early by the time he will he will not come in as a stranger he will come in because asham wanna asham kubali and if you are the person who is coming in as the man or as the lady we start buying presents ma pema you're buying the love of this child you're winning this child to you i know families whereby you cannot not tell whether this is the real father or the real mother or not because amengiana until amengia ecosystem so you can tell so start doing it ma pema ma pema but again now you find maybe somebody is taking advantage of you so someone looks at you you have money and you keep muttutu na hapo evi kimi amu hai let me tag myself along this family so is not has no business with your child by the way has business with you as an individual because of the profits you get now this person will come and abuse your child and if you're not careful the damage that will be done by this new relationship could be irreparable it could be really bad there's nothing which is as bad because i've had with cases where somebody my mother got married uh remarried and this father came and was abusing me and my mother could say nothing now when you're there and your mother who was supposed to voice for you did not protect you know it becomes even this is a total new stranger and vice versa maybe it's the man who has brought a lady as the new mother the new you know you expect your father to be there for you the new mother is mistreating you so those things do happen assess your situation well know the personality of this person is this person accommodative is this person accommodating you price your child does this person know that you have a child with you or a family with you are you able are you able to come with the terms of this home are you able to respect my children are you able to are you getting that so if you're able to bring them along well you'll have a healthy family if not they'll they'll always be sibling rivalry assuming amekujin you now have kids kids together plus now this one they'll always be that jealous aspect like it or not i've ever seen the tradition of families where there were polygamous homes those children were serious rivals competition comes in and and i think it's even biblical you've seen it first time in the bible it was given with the what's jacob's wife they were also in conflict because this one has so many children but then ritual is the beloved and there is still some jealousy and that is something that's very important so that also applies with how to know if this person is serious or if the relationship is serious so you really have to assess the person but what if they fake no this says you know people also but let me tell you let's put it this way unless you met this person today and you you you got married the love at first sight if you give you know faking has a timeline you cannot fake yourself for several months without bringing out the real character in you you will have a way of knowing the anger level of this person the impatience level of this person the resentment the what and you can't tell just with this person you go to the hotel and they're they're abusing the waiter what do you expect of that person at home you are there in the in the in the in the traffic and they are honking very impatient you can be able to tell people's character they cannot fake it for long it is so tiresome not to be yourself very draining very exhausting so they just have to show that you are keen enough and even these people who are in marriage and and and and maybe something comes to happen and they find they are not however there are some red frags that you ignored you saw them but you so much madly in love you ignored them if you are keen enough you'll be able to tell this this is a problem and i think that's on our part so we have to be very keen if you're a parent even if you're just dating in a play at a quarter and you're on a date oh yeah you have to be very keen with the person that you're being with is this person right you know sometimes we are so blinded by this love i want to be married i want the dream wedding finally ignore all the red flags so maybe as we conclude the conversation because time we can talk about now the children say we're got traumatized let's say they have already dealt with all these things they're carrying all the trauma of their childhood and the parents and all the things that they have had to deal with how can they address that because first of all if we're being honest in this generation people don't even acknowledge they're traumatized oh yeah they don't what you you move along and that's when you acknowledge and you have this issue or that but how can we acknowledge pastor edwin how would you advise someone to acknowledge perhaps they were in the same situation as you raised by a single parent went through some things that really traumatize them how can they acknowledge the pain and the trauma they have dealt with so they can really unlearn those bad habits number one is always coming to terms with the reality that uh these has happened but in one way or another i can amend and i always like to tell people i i love to speak some things from experience as a time i really used to have anger issues but i realized that this is a this is an issue this is a problem you understand so when you come to admittance and you know that i would want to forge ahead and to move forward there are things you can begin to correct that is when you are discovered i have a problem and i need help and i can reach out to someone to get to to help me and you tell yourself if i want to bring up a new generation how do i want to to bring up so uh you tell yourself if at all i had i had a bad experience of who my parents were i would not want the same to happen to to my children for example if you're born out of the wedlock in a setup like the one you tell yourself no i would not want to bring children in a setup like that one so number one it comes from acknowledging that there is a problem or there was a problem and that i would want to amend this problem number two you get to forgive you forgive your parents there is a there's a there's what is trending at the moment i would not want to mention because people will get to know the person that you get to forgive your parents and you tell yourself no it was a stage in their life i don't know what they went through i don't know how they go to this situation but i would not want to be part of that past and speaking out helps a lot when you just get to speak a lot there is this statement that i have always appreciated and i said if at all i did not come out of a good family a good family can come out of me if at all you did not come out of a rich family a rich family can do it can come out of you there is always that opportunity of building up again and starting all over again yes and i think that's very important because from the very first step you have to acknowledge what are the traumas that i'm dealing with and you know sometimes that that means you have to face your past and so many people are afraid of that you don't want to go back and think about that the times that really hurt you so you have to acknowledge and see your parents as humans that's one thing as we become older you see your parents as humans and they're just trying and they're doing their best so now in alignment with that zippora would you advise someone to talk to their parents would you advise them to sit and have a discussion sometimes even therapy would you advise someone to call their parents for therapy so that you can sit and actually address some of the pain and the trauma that you felt as a child really influenced and impacted you negatively that's a very dangerous question you know we are in an african setup not the wazungu setup and we are coming from african typical african homes where the muze is mr no et al in the esimba and the mother is the illness in that home and the award is low it cannot be amended so if you realized you came from that kind of a family i'm probably now you're a grown up and you have known my anger issues i can back trace them the way i feel disorganized the way i'm moody the way i'm these and these and these i can tell because as pastor says the first thing is you have to first of all acknowledge he but now because those people are actually aging let them age peacefully but now from you you can start with yourself and you say you know there's this caricature a meme i saw um the father the grandfather shouts very harsh words to the father the father is shouting very harsh words to the son then the son blocks and cannot hear those harsh words and pronounces good words to the child so you can decide it is ending with my generation so from now henceforth i have known parenting i have known that i want to raise godly children i want to raise this i want to raise this so you start with yourself in as much as you may not sit your parents down to tell them because now start with the children you learn to give them attention and when i'm talking about attention attention can you know what children interpret as attention is not what us adults interpret as attention so you just decide as a child is very concerned that these toy amadoli is very concerned and very worried now you as a mother or a father who is very tired and very harassed from Nairobi you and the current economy you come what have you done to that child do you know how much that toy means to that child if you're a good parent and you want to give them attention you go and say oh the toy was broken you try and fix it and they'll go to bed happy trust me when they grow up they will want to nurture other people they will learn to give people attention they will learn to solve issues and and finish them because they learn from home so don't ignore their small troubles they may be small to you but they are not small to them so you decide in us and amemi what are you just do better than your parents exactly and i like what you've said because there's also a quote i pass by a question at here how do your parents apologize most of the comments are as we're winding up i'm sorry i can't pull up your comments so i'll just read them off my phone we have Fred Asenol Moffat who says learning from those with experience straight from Naibasha thank you for that msafi ke tuned out to Karatina kizito young guests count me in outa moanda bungoma county faristo muganda says where why a boomerum umias nikondani nam pangom yampangom zima hadim usho thank you timothy we have uh some comments from alibai please ensure that your comments are brief and spellica correct thank you for that and let me read uh the the parting short for today time has really flown but the quote reads parenting isn't about being perfect it's about being present our children need our love guidance and attention more than anything else i hope you've taken note of that and i hope you've learned something from this very insightful conversation whether you like it or not how your children see you how they listen to your conversations how you nurture them is how they will become as adults so let us be very careful and let us also unlearn some of the trauma that we have because we have to understand some of that is rooted in our childhood traumas how can we be better so that we can do better for future generations and that is going to be it for today thank you so much for the entire camera crew who has been very great thank you so much for timothy tajew who's a very great producer and everyone who has been helping from the tc the programmers the sound operators and our very beautiful guests i really appreciate even you for tuning in and so thank you so much once again for tuning in you have been watching the power talk show and my name is sherry blessing