 CHAPTER 23 February 18, 1822 Early this morning Arthur mounted his hunter and set off in idly to meet the hounds. He will be away all day, and so I will amuse myself with my neglected diary, if I can give that name to such an irregular composition. It is exactly four months as I opened it last. I am married now, and settled down as Mrs. Huntingdon of Grastail Manor. I've had eight weeks' experience of matrimony. And by regret, step I have taken? No. Though I must confess, in my secret heart, that Arthur is not what I thought him at first, and if I had known him in the beginning as thoroughly as I do now, I probably never should have loved him. And if I loved him first, and then made the discovery, I fear I should have thought it my duty not to have married him. To be sure, I might have known him for everyone was willing enough to tell me about him, and he himself was no accomplished hypocrite. But I was willfully blind. And now, instead of regretting that I did not discern its full character before I was insolubly bound to him, I am glad, for it has saved me a great deal of battling with my conscience and a great deal of consequent trouble and pain. And, whatever I ought to have done, my duty now is plainly to love him and to give to him, and this just tells with my inclination. He's very fond of me, almost too fond. I could do less caresting and more rationality. I should like to be less of a pet and more of a friend, if I might choose. But I won't complain of that. I'm only afraid his affection loses in depth, where it gains in order. I sometimes liken it to a fire of dried twigs and branches compared to one of solid coal, very bright and hot. But if it should burn itself out and leave nothing but ashes behind, what shall I do? But it won't. It shans. I am determined. And I surely have power to keep it alive. So let me dismiss the thought at once. But Arthur is selfish. I am constrained to acknowledge that. And, indeed, the admission gives me less pain than might be expected, for, since I love him so much, I can easily forgive him for loving himself. He likes to be pleased, and it is my delight to please him. And when I regret his tendency of his, it is for his own sake, not for mine. The first instance he gave was on the occasion of our bridal tour. He wanted to hurry it over, for all the continental scenes were already familiar to him. Many had lost their interest in his eyes, and others had never had anything to lose. The consequence was that, after flying transit through part of France and part of Italy, I came back nearly as ignorant as I went, having made no acquaintance with persons and manners, and very little with things, my head swarming with the motley confusion of objects and scenes. Some, it is true, leaving a deeper and more pleasing impression than others, but this unbittered bad recollection that my emotions had not been shared by my companion, but that, on the contrary, when I had expressed a particular interest in anything that I saw or desired to see, it had been displeasing to him, inasmuch as it proved that I could take delight in anything disconnected with himself. As for Paris, really just touched at that, and he would not give me time to see one-tenth of the beauties and interesting objects of Rome. He wanted to get me home, he said, to have me all to himself, and see me safely installed as mistress of grass-dale manner, just as single-minded, as naïve, and frequent as I was. And, as if I had been some frail butterfly, he expressed himself fearful of rubbing silver of my wings by bringing me into contact with society, especially that of Paris and Rome. And, moreover, he did not scruple to tell me that there were ladies in both places to cheer his eyes out if they happened to meet him with me. Of course, I was vexed at all this, but still it was less his appointment to myself that annoyed me than his appointment in him, and the trouble I was to frame excuses to my friends for having seen and observed so little, without inputting one particle of blame to my companion. But when he got home, to my new delightful home, I was so happy, and he was so kind that I freely forgave him all. And I was beginning to think my lot too happy, and my husband actually too good for me, if not too good for this world when, on second Sunday after our arrival, he shocked and horrified me by another instance of his unreasonable exection. We were walking home from the morning service, for it was a fine frosty day, and as we were so near the church, I had requested carriage should not be used. Helen said he, with a neutral gravity, I am not quite satisfied with you. I desired to know what was wrong, but will you promise to reform if I tell you? Yes, if I can, and without offending a higher authority. Ah, there it is, you see, you don't love me with all your heart. I don't understand you, Arthur. At least I hope I don't. Pray, tell me what I have done or said amiss. It is nothing you have done or said. It is something that you are. You are too religious. Now I like a woman to be religious, and I think you are pretty one of your greatest charms. But then, like all other good things, it may be carried too far. To my thinking, a woman's religion ought not lessen her devotion to her earthly lord. She should have enough to purify and etherize her soul, but not enough to refine away her heart and raise her above all human sympathies. Am I above all human sympathies, said I? No, darling, but you are making more progress towards that saintly condition than I like. For all these two hours I have been thinking of you and wanting to catch your eye, and you were so absurd in your devotion that you have not even a glass to spare for me. I declare it is enough to make one jealous of one's maker, which is very wrong, you know, so don't excite such wicked passions again for my soul's sake. I will give my whole heart and soul to my maker if I can, I answered, but not one a term more avid to you than he allows. What are you, sir, that you should set yourself up as a god and assume the dispute possession of my heart with him to my all I have and all I am, every blessing I ever did or ever can enjoy, and yourself among the rest if you are a blessing which I am having claim to doubt. Don't be so hard upon me, Ellen, and don't pitch my arms so. You are squeezing your fingers into the bone. Arthur continued I, relaxing my all of his harm. You don't love me half as much as I do you, and yet, if you love me far less than you do, I would not complain, provided you loved your maker more. I should rejoice to see you at any time so deeply absorbed in our devotions that you had not a single thought to spare for me, but, indeed, I should lose nothing by the change for the more you loved your god, the more deep and pure and true would be your love to me. At this he only left and kissed my hand, calling me a sweet enthusiast. Then, checking off his head, he headed. But look here, Ellen, what can a man do with such a head as this? The head looked right enough, but when he placed my hand on the top of it, it sunk in the bed of curls, rather alarming and low, especially in the middle. You see, I was not made to be a saint, said he, laughing. If God meant me to be religious, why did he give me a proper organ of veneration? You are like a servant, I replied, who, instead of employing his one talent in his master's service, restored it to him unimproved, alleging, as an excuse, that he knew him to be a hard man, ripping where he had not sown and gathering where he had not straw. Of him to whom less is given, less will be required, but our utmost exertions are required of us all. You are not without the capacity of veneration and faith and hope and conscience and reason and every other requisite to a Christian's character if you choose to employ them, but all our talents increasingly using at every faculty, both good and bad, strengthens by exercise. Therefore, if you choose to use the bad, or those which tend to evil, become your master's and neglect you good till they dwindle away, you have only yourself to blame. But you have talents, Arthur, natural endowment to both of heart and mind and temper, such as many, a better Christian would be glad to possess if you'd only employ them in God's service. I should never expect to see you a devotee, but it's quite possible to be a good Christian without ceasing to be a happy, merry-hearted man. You speak like an oracle, Ellen, and all you say is undisputedly true. But listen here, I am hungry and I see before me a good substantial dinner. I am told that if I abstain from this today, I shall have a sumptuous feast tomorrow, consisting of all manner of dainties and delicacies. Now, in first place, I shall be lost to wait till tomorrow when I have the means of appeasing my hunger already before me. In second place, the solid viands of today are more to my taste than the dainties that I promised me. In third place, I don't see tomorrow's banquet, and how can I tell that it is not all a fable got up by the crazy-faced fellow that is advising me to abstain in order that he may have all the good victuals to himself. In fourth place, this table must be spread for somebody and, as Solomon says, who can eat or who else can hasten your hunt or more than I. And finally, with your leave, I'll sit down and satisfy my cravings for today and leave tomorrow to shift by self. Who knows what I may secure both this and that. But you are not required to abstain from the substantial dinner of today. Your only advice to partake of this course for viands in such moderation is to incapacitate you from enjoying the choice for a banquet of tomorrow. If, regardless of that council, you choose to make a visit of yourself now and overeat and overeat yourself till you turn the good victuals into poison, who is to blame if, hereafter, while you are suffering the torment of yesterday's gluttony and drunkenness, you see more temperate men sitting down to enjoy themselves at that splendid entertainment which you are unable to taste. It's not true, my patron saint. But again, our friend Solomon says there is nothing better for a man than to eat and to drink and to be merry. And again, returned I, he says, rejoice, O young man, in thy youth, and walk in ways of thine heart and in sight of thine eyes. But know thou that for all these things God will bring thee into judgment. Well, but Ellen, be good these last few weeks. What have you seen amiss in me and what will you have me to do? Nothing more than you do, Arthur. Your actions are all right so far. But I'll have your thoughts changed. I would have you to fortify yourself against temptation, and not to call evil good and good evil. I should wish you to think more deeply, to look further, and aim higher than you do. End of chapter 23 Chapter 24 of the Tenet of Wildfell Hall This is a LibriBox recording. All LibriBox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriBox.org Recording by NSVC Mount Portugal The Tenet of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte Chapter 24 March 25 Arthur is getting tired. Not of me I trust, but of his bright life he leads. And no wonder, for he has so few sources of amusement. He never reads anything but newspapers and sporting magazines, and when he sees me occupied with a book he won't let me rest till I close it. In fine weather he generally manages to get through the time pretty well, but on rainy days of which we have had a good many of late, it is quite painful to witness his envy. As well I can't amuse him, but it is impossible to get him to feel interested in what I most like to talk about. While, on the other hand, he likes to talk about things that cannot interest me, or even that annoy me. And this please him, the most of all. For his favorite amusement is to sit or lull beside me on sofa and tell me stories of his former amours, always turning upon the ruin of some confiding girl or causing of some unsuspecting husband. And when I express my horrid indignation he lays it all to the charts of jealousy and laughs till his tears run down his cheeks. I used to fly into passions or melt into tears at first, but seeing that his light increased in proportion to my anger and agitation I have since endeavored to suppress my feelings and receive his revelations in silence of calm contempt. But still he reads the inward struggle in my face and misconstrues my bitterness of soul for his unworthiness into the pangs of wounded jealousy. And when he has sufficiently diverted himself with that or fears my displeasure will become too serious for his comfort he tries to kiss and soothe me into smiles again. Never were his caresses so little welcome as then. This is double selfishness displayed to me and to the victims of his former love. There are times when, with the momentary pang to what is made, I ask myself well and what have you done. But I rebuke the inward questioner and repel the obtrusive thoughts that crowd up on me. For were he ten times essential and impenetrable to good and lofty thoughts I will know I have no right to complain and I don't and won't complain. I do and will love him still and I do not and will not regret that I have linked with his. April 4th We've had the dawn right quarrel to particularly Zara's follows Arthur had told me at different intervals the whole history of his intrigue with Lady F which I would not believe before. It was some consolation however to find that in his instance lately I did more to blame than he for he was very young at the time and she decidedly made first advances if what he said was true. I hated her for it for it seemed as if she had shiftly contributed to his corruption and when he was beginning to talk about her the other day I bet he would not mention her for I detested very sound of her name. Not because he loved her Arthur mind but because she injured you and saved her husband and was altogether a very abominable woman whom you ought be ashamed to mention. I defended her by saying that she had a doting old husband whom it was impossible to love then why did she marry him said I for his money was the reply then that was another crime and their solemn promise to love and honor him was another that only increased the enormity of the last. You are too severe upon the poor lady left he I don't care for her now and I never loved any of them half as much as I do you so you needn't fear to be forsaken like them. If you had told me these things before Arthur I never should have given you the chance wouldn't you my darling most certainly not he left incredibly I wish I could convince you of it now cried I starting up from beside him and for the first time in my life and I hope blessed I wished I had not married him Helen said he more gravely do you know that if I believed you now I should be very angry but thank heavens I don't though you stand there with your white face and flashing eyes looking at me like a very chagras I know the heart within you perhaps a trifle better than you know it yourself without another word I left the room and locked myself up in my own chamber in about half an hour he came to the door and first he tried to handle then he knocked won't you let me in Helen said he no you have displeased me I reply and I don't want to see your face or hear your voice again till the morning he paused the moment as if Doomfounded or uncertain how to answer such a speech and then churned and walked away this was an hour after dinner I knew he would find it very dull to sit alone all evening and this considerably softened my resentment though it did not make me relent I was determined to show him that my heart was not a slave and I could live without him if I choose and I sat down and wrote a long letter to my aunt of course telling her nothing of all this soon after a channel clock I heard him come up again but he passed my door and went straight to his own dressing room where he shut himself in for a night I was rather anxious to see how he would meet me in the morning and not too little disappointed to behold him enter to breakfast room with a careless smile are you cross still Helen said he approaching as if to salute me I quickly turned to the table and began to pour out the coffee observing that he was rather late he heard a low whistle and sauntered away to the window where he stood for some minutes looking out upon the pleasing prospect of sullen grey clouds streaming rain, soaking lawn and dripping leafless trees and muttering as equations on the weather and then sat down to breakfast while checking his coffee he muttered he was decold he should not have left it so long he made no answer and the meal was concluded in silent it was a relief to both when the letter bag was brought in it contained up an examination a newspaper and one or two letters for him and a couple of letters for me which he tossed across the table without a remark one was for my brother the other for Millie St. Hargrave who is now in London with her mother his, I think, were business letters and apparently not much to his mind for he crushed them into his pocket with some muttered expectives that I should have approved him for it any other time the paper is set before him and pretend to be deeply absorbed in its contents during the remainder of breakfast and a considerable time after the reading and answering of my letters and the direction of household concerns afforded me ample employment for the morning after lunch I got my drawing and the time I read meanwhile poor Arthur was sadly at a loss for something to amuse him or to occupy his time he wanted to appear as busy and as unconcerned as I did and whether it all permitted he would doubtless have ordered his horse and set off to some distant region no matter where immediately after breakfast and not return till night had there been a lady anywhere within reach of any age between 15 and 45 he would have thought revenge and found employment in getting up or trying to get up a desperate flip station with her but being to my private satisfaction in Charlie cut off from both these sources of diversion his sufferings were truly deplorable when he had an yawning over his paper and scribbling short answers to his shorter letters he spent the remainder of the morning at the whole of the afternoon from room to room watching the clouds cursing the rain alternately patting and teasing and abusing his dogs sometimes longing on sofa with a book that he could not force himself to read and very often fixed casing at me when he thought I did not perceive it with vain hope of detecting some traces of tears or some tokens of remorseful anguish in my face but I managed to preserve an undisturbed thought grave serenity throughout the day I was not really angry I felt for him at all time and longed to be reconciled but I determined he should make the first advances or at least show some signs of an ambivalent constricted spirit first for if I become it would only minister to his self-conceit increases arrogance and quite destroyed less than I wanted to give him he made a long stay in the dining room after dinner and, I fear, took an unusual quantity of wine but not enough to loosen his tongue for when he came in and found he quietly occupied in my book to busy to lift my head on his entrance he merely murmured an expression of suppressed disapprovation and, shutting Dory the bank went and stretched himself at full length on the sofa and composed himself to sleep but his favorite cocker, Dash, that had been lying at my feet took liberty of jumping up him and beginning to lick his face he struck it off with a smart plow when the poor dog squeaked and ran cowering back to me when he woke up about half an hour later he called it to him again but Dash only looked sheepish and wiped the tip of his tail he called again more sharply but Dash only clung closer to me and licked my hand as if imploring protection enraged at this his master snatched up a heavy book and hurled it at his head the poor dog set up a pituous outcry and ran to the door I let him out and then quietly took up the book give that book to me said Arthur in a very courteous tone I gave it to him why did you let the dog out he asked you knew I wanted him by what token I replied by your throwing the book at him but perhaps it was intended for me no, but I see you've got a taste of it said he looking at my hand that had also been struck and was rather severely crazed I returned to my reading and he and David occupy himself in same manner but in a little while after several pretentious yawns he pronounced his book to be cursed trash and threw it on the table then followed eight or ten minutes of silence during the greater part of which I believe he was staring at me at last his patience was started out what is that book, Ellen he exclaimed I told him is it interesting yes, very interesting or pretending to read at least I cannot say there was much communication between my eyes and my brain for, while the former reigned over the pages later was earnestly wondering when Arthur would speak next and what he would say and what I should answer but he did not speak again till I rose to make the tea and then it was only to say he should not take any he continued longing on the sofa and alternately closing his eyes and looking at his watch and at me till bad time when I rose and took my candle and retired Helen cried he the moment I left the room I turned back and stood awaiting his commands what do you want Arthur I said at length nothing replied he go I went but hearing him utter something as I was closing the door I turned again it sounded very like confounded slut but I was quite willing it should be something else were you speaking Arthur I asked no was the answer and I shut the door and departed I saw nothing more of him till the following morning at breakfast when he came down a full hour after the usual time very late was my morning solution he didn't have waited for me was his and he walked up to the window again it was just such weather as yesterday all this confounded rain he muttered but after studiously regarding it for a minute or two a bright idea seemed to strike him for he suddenly exclaimed but I know what I'll do and then returned and took his seat at the table the letter bag was already there waiting to be opened he unlocked it at examined contents but said nothing about them is there anything for me I asked no he opened newspaper and began to read you'd better take your coffee to just said I it'll be cold again you may go said he if you've done I don't want you I rose and withdrew to the next room wondering if you were to have another such miserable day as yesterday and wishing intensely for an end of these mutually inflicted torments shortly after I heard him ringed bell and give some orders about his wardrobe that sounded as if he meditated a long journey he then sent for the coachman and I heard something about the carriage and the horses and London and seven o'clock tomorrow morning that Starland disturbed me not a little I must now let him go to London whatever comes of it said I to myself he will run into all kinds of mischief and I shall be the cause of it but the question is how am I to alter its purpose well, I'll wait a while until if he mentions it I waited most anxiously from hour to hour another word was spoken on days or any other subject to me he whistled and talked to his dogs and wandered from room to room much the same as on the previous day at last I began to think I must introduce the subject myself and was pondering how to bring it about when John unwittingly came to my relief with following message from the coachman please sir Richard says one of the horses has got a very bad cold and he thinks sir if he could make it convenient to go to the day after tomorrow instead of tomorrow he could physically today so as confound his impudence interjected the master please sir he says it would be a deal better if you could persisted John for he hopes there will be a change in the weather shortly and he says it's not likely when horses are bad with the cold and stinking at all devil take the horse cry the gentleman well, tell me my own think about it he added after a moment's reflection he gets a searching glance at me as servant with room expecting to see some token of deep astonishment and alarm but being previously prepared I preserved an expect of stoical indifference his countenance fell as he met my steady case and he turned away in very obvious disappointment and walked up to the fireplace where he stood in an attitude of undescribed rejection leaning against a chimney piece with his forehead sunk up on his arm what do you want to go Arthur said I to London repiled he gravely what for I ask because I cannot be happy here why not because my wife doesn't love me she would love you with all her heart if you deserved it what must I do to deserve it this seemed humble and earnest enough and I was so much affected between sorrow and joy that I was obliged to pause a few seconds before I could steady my voice to reply if she gives you your heart said I you must take it thankfully and use it well and not pull it in pieces and laugh in her face because she cannot snatch it away he now turned round and stood facing me with his back to the fire come then Ellen are you going to be a good girl this sounded rather too arrogant and smiled at a companion that did not please me I therefore hesitated to reply perhaps my former answer had implied too much he had heard my voice falter and might have seen me brush away a tear are you going to forgive me Ellen he resumed more humbly are you penitent I reply stepping up to him and smiling in his face heart broken he answered with a rueful countenance yet with a merry smile just lurking within his eyes and about the corners of his mouth but this could not repulse me and I flew into his arms he fervently embraced me and though I shed a joint of tears I think I was happier in my life than at that moment then you won't go to London Arthur I said cheers and kisses had subsided no love and left you will go with me I will gladly I answered if you think the change will amuse you and if you'll put off the journey till next week he readily consented but said there was no need of much preparation as it should not be for staying long for he did not wish me to be Londonized and to lose my country freshness and originality by too much intercourse with ladies of the world I thought this fully but I did not wish to contradict him now I merely said that I was of very domestic habits as he well knew and had no particular wish to mingle with the world so we are to go to London on Monday day after tomorrow it is now four days since the termination of our quarrel and I am sure it has done us both good it has made me like Arthur a great deal better and made him behave like a great deal better to me he has never once attempted to annoy me since by the most distanced illusion to Lady F or any of those disagreeable reminiscences of his former life I wish I could plot him from my memory or else get him to regard such matters in the same light as I do well it is something, however, to have made him see that they are not fit subjects for a conjugal jest he may see further sometime I will put no limits to my hopes and, in spite of my ends for warnings and my own unspoken fears I trust we shall be happy yet End of Chapter 24 Chapter 25 of The Tenant of Wildfell Hall This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org The Tenant of Wildfell Hall By Ann Bronte Chapter 25 On the 8th of April we went to London On the 8th of May I returned in obedience to Arthur's wish very much against my own because I left him If he had come with me I should have been very glad to get home again for he led me such a round of restless dissipation while there that in that short space of time I was quite tired out He seemed bent upon displaying me to his friends and acquaintances in particular and the public in general on every possible occasion and to the greatest possible advantage It was something to feel that he considered me a worthy object of pride but I paid dear for gratification for, in the first place to please him I had to violate my cherished predilections my almost rooted principles in favour of a plain, dark sober style of dress I must sparkle in costly jewels and deck myself out like a painted butterfly just as I had long since determined I would never do and this was no trifling sacrifice In the second place I was continually straining to satisfy his sanguine expectations and to honour to his choice by my general conduct and deportment and fearing to disappoint him by some awkward misdemeanor or some trait of inexperienced ignorance about the customs of society especially when I acted the part of Hostess which I was not unfrequently called upon to do and in the third place as I intimated before I was worried of the throng and bustle but restless hurry into all my previous habits at last he suddenly discovered that the London air did not agree with me and I was languishing for my country home and must immediately return to Grassdale I laughingly assured him that the case was not so urgent as he appeared to think it but I was quite willing to go home if he was he replied that he should be obliged to remain a week or two longer as he had business that required his presence then I shall stay with you I said but I can't do with you Helen was his answer as long as you stay I shall attend to you and neglect my business but I won't let you I returned now that I know you have business to attend to I shall insist upon your attending to it and letting me alone and to tell the truth I shall be glad of a little rest I can take my rides and walks in the park as usual and your business cannot occupy all your time I shall see you at mealtimes and in the evenings at least and that will be better than being leagues away and never seeing you at all but my love I cannot let you stay how can I settle my affairs when I know that you are here neglected I shall not feel myself neglected while you are doing your duty Arthur I shall never complain of neglect if you had told me before that you had anything to do it would have been half done before this and now you must make up for last time by redoubled exertions tell me what it is and I will be your taskmaster instead of being a hindrance no no persisted the impracticable creature you must go home Helen I must have the satisfaction of knowing that you are safe and well though far away your bright eyes are faded and that tender, delicate bloom has quite deserted your cheek that is only with too much anxiety and fatigue it is not I tell you it is the London air you are pining for the fresh breezes of your country home and you shall feel them before you are two days older and remember your situation dearest Helen on your health you know depends the health if not the life of our future hope then you really wish to get rid of me positively I do and I will take you down myself to grassdale to return I shall not be absent above a week or fortnight at most but if I go I will go alone if you must stay it is needless to waste your time in the journey there and back but he did not like the idea of sending me alone what what helpless creature do you take me for I replied that you cannot trust me to go a hundred miles in our own carriage with our own footmen and made to attend me if you come with me I shall assuredly keep you but tell me Arthur what is this tiresome business and why did you never mentioned it before it is only a little business with my lawyer said he and he told me something about a piece of property he wanted to sell in order to pay off a part of the encumbrances on his estate but either the account was a little confused or I was rather dull of comprehension for I could not clearly understand how that should keep him in town a fortnight after me still less can I now comprehend how it should keep him a month for it is nearly that time since I left him and no signs of his return as yet in every letter he promises to be with me in a few days and every time deceives me or deceives himself his excuses are vague and insufficient I cannot doubt that he has got among his former companions again why did I leave him I wish I do intensely wish he would return June 29th no Arthur yet and for many days I have been looking and longing in vain for a letter his letters when they come are kind if fair words and endearing epithets can give them a claim to the title but very short and full of trivial excuses and promises that I cannot trust I look forward to them how eagerly I open and devour one of those little hastily scribbled returns for the three or four long letters hitherto unanswered he has had from me it is cruel to leave me so long alone he knows I have no one but Rachel to speak to but we have no neighbors here except the Hograves whose residence I can only dimly describe from these upper windows among those low, woody hills among the Dale I was glad when I learnt that Millicent was so near us and her company would be a soothing solace to me now but she is still in town with her mother there is no one at the Grove but little Esther and her French governess for Walter is always away I saw that paragon of manly perfections in London he seemed scarcely to merit the eulogens of his mother and sister though he certainly appeared more conversable and agreeable than Lord Loboro more candid and hind-minded than Mr. Grimsby and more polished and gentlemanly than Mr. Hatserly Arthur's only other friend whom he judged fit to introduce to me oh Arthur why won't you come why won't you write to me at least you talked about my health how can you expect me to gather bloom and vigor here pining in solitude and restless anxiety from day to day it would serve you right to come back and find my good looks entirely wasted away I would beg my uncle and aunt or my brother to come and see me but I do not like to complain of my loneliness to them and indeed loneliness is the least of my sufferings but what is he doing what is it that keeps him away it is this ever-recurring question and the horrible suggestions it raises that distracts me July 3rd my last bitter letter has rung from him an answer at last and a rather longer one than usual but I still don't know what to make of it he playfully abuses me for the gall and vinegar of my latest effusion tells me I can have no conception of the multitudinous engagements that keep him away but avers that in spite of them all will surely be with me before the close of next week though it is impossible for a man so circumstance as he to fix the precise day of his return meantime he exhorts me to the exercise of patience that first of woman's virtues and desires me to remember the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder and comfort myself with the assurance that the longer he stays away the better he shall love me when he returns until he does return he begs I will continue to write him constantly for though he is sometimes too idle and often too busy to answer my letters as they come he likes to receive them daily and if I fulfill my threat of punishing his seeming neglect by ceasing to write he shall be so angry that he will do his utmost to forget me he adds this piece of intelligence respecting poor Millicent Agrave your little friend Millicent is likely before long to follow your example and take upon her the yoke of matrimony in conjunction with a friend of mine Hatser Lee you know has not yet fulfilled his direful threat of throwing his precious person away on the first old maid that chose to invents a tenderness for him but he still preserves a resolute determination to see himself a married man before the year is out only said he to me I must have somebody that will let me have my own way in everything not like your wife Huntington she is a charming creature but she looks as if she had a will of her own and could play the vixen upon occasion I thought you're right there man but I didn't say so I must have some good quiet soul that will let me just do what I like and go where I like keep at home or stay away without a word of reproach or complaint for I can't do with being bothered well said I I know somebody that will suit you to a tea if you don't care for money and that's Hargrave's sister Millicent he desired to be introduced to her forthwith for he said he had plenty of the needful himself or should have when his old governor chose to quit the stage so you see Helen I've managed pretty well both for your friend and mine poor Millicent but I cannot imagine she will ever be led to accept such a suitor one so repungent to all her ideas of a man to be honored and loved fair alas I was mistaken I have got a long letter from her this morning telling me she is already engaged and expects to be married before the close of the month I hardly know what to say about it she writes or what to think to tell you the truth Helen I don't like the thoughts of it at all if I am to be Mr. Hatserley's wife I must try to love him and I do try with all my might but I have made very little progress yet and the worst symptom of the case is that the further he is from me the better I like him he frightens me with his abrupt manners and hectoring ways and I dread the thoughts of marrying him then why have you accepted him you will ask and I did not know I had accepted him but Mama tells me I have and he seems to think so too I certainly didn't mean to do so but I did not like to give him a flat refusal for fear Mama should be grieved and angry for I knew she wished me to marry him and I wanted to talk to her first about it so I gave him what I thought was an evasive half-negative answer but she says it was as good as an acceptance and he would think me very capricious if I were to attempt to draw back and indeed I was so confused and frightened at the moment I can hardly tell what I said and next time I saw him he accosted me in all confidence as his athience bride and immediately began to settle matters with Mama I had not courage to contradict them then and how can I do it now I cannot they would think me mad besides Mama is so delighted with the idea of the match she thinks she has managed so well for me and I cannot bear to disappoint her I do object sometimes and tell her what I feel but you don't know how she talks Mr. Hattsely you know is the son of a rich banker and as Esser and I have no fortunes and very little our dear Mama is very anxious to see us all well married that is, united to rich partners it is not my idea of being well married but she means it all for the best she says when I am safe off her hands it will be such a relief to her mind and she assures me it will be a good thing for the family as well as for me even Walter is pleased at the prospect and when I confess my reluctance to him he said it was all childish nonsense do you think it nonsense Helen? I should not care if I could see any prospect of being able to love and admire him but I can't there is nothing about him to hang one's esteem and affection upon he is so deometrically opposite to what I imagined my husband should be do right to me and say all you can to encourage me don't attempt to dissuade me for my fate is fixed preparations for the important event are already going on around me and don't say a word against Mr. Hatterley for I want to think well of him and though I have spoken against him myself it is for the last time hereafter I shall never permit myself to utter a word in his dispraise however he may seem to deserve it and whoever ventures to speak slightingly of the man I have promised to love, honour and obey must expect my serious displeasure after all I think he is quite as good as Mr. Huntington if not better and yet you love him and seem to be happy and contented and perhaps I may manage as well you must tell me if you can that Mr. Hatterley is better than he seems that he is upright honourable and open-hearted in fact a perfect diamond in the rough he may be all this but I don't know him I know only the exterior and what I trust is the worst part of him she concludes with goodbye dear Helen I am waiting anxiously for your advice but mind you let it be all on the right side alas poor Millicent what encouragement can I give you or what advice but it is better to make a bold stand now though at the expense of disappointing and angering both mother and brother and lover than to devote your whole life hereafter to misery and vain regret Saturday 13th the week is over and he is not come all the sweet summer is passing away without one breath of pleasure to me or benefit to him and I had all along been looking forward to this season with the fond delusive hope that we should enjoy it so sweetly together and that with God's help and my exertions it would be the means of elevating his mind and refining his taste to a due appreciation of the solitary and pure delights of nature and peace and holy love but now at evening when I see the round red sun sink deep down behind those woody hills leaving them sleeping in a warm red golden haze I only think another lovely day is lost to him and me and at morning when roused by the flutter and chirp of the sparrows and the gleeful twitter of the swallows all intent upon feeding their young and full of life and joy in their own little frames I open the window to inhale the balmy soul-reviving air and look out upon the lovely landscape laughing in dew and sunshine I too often shame that glorious scene with tears of thankless misery because he cannot feel its freshening influence and when I wander in the ancient woods and meet the little wildflowers smiling in my path or sit in the shadow of our noble ash trees by the waterside with their branches gently swaying in the light summer breeze that murmurs through their feathery foliage my ears full of that low music mingled with the dreamy hum of insects my eyes abstractedly gazing on the glassy surface of the little lake before me with the trees that crowd about its bank some gracefully bending to kiss its waters some rearing their stately heads high above and there are wide arms over its margin all faithfully mirrored far, far down its glassy depth though sometimes the images are partially broken by the sport of aquatic insects and sometimes for a moment the hole is shivered into trembling fragments by a transient breeze that sweeps the surface too roughly still I have no pleasure for the greater the happiness that nature sets before me I lament that he is not here to taste it the greater the bliss we might enjoy together the more I feel our present wretchedness apart yes, ours he must be wretched though he may not know it and the more my senses are pleased the more my heart is oppressed for he keeps it with him confined amid the dust and smoke of London perhaps shut up within the walls of his own abominable club but most of all at night when I enter my lonely chamber and look out upon the summer moon sweet region to the sky floating above me in the black blue vault of heaven shedding a flood of silver radiance over park and wood and water so pure so peaceful so divine and think where is he now what is he doing at this moment wholly unconscious of this heavenly scene perhaps reveling with his boon companions perhaps god help me it is too too much thank heaven he has come at last but how altered, flushed and feverish listless and languid his beauty strangely diminished his vigor and vivacity quite departed I have not abraded him by word or look, I have not even asked him what he has been doing I have not the heart to do it for I think he is ashamed of himself he must be so indeed and such inquiries could not fail to be painful to both my forbearance pleases him touches him even, I am inclined to think he says he is glad to be home again and god knows how glad I am to get him back even as he is he lies on the sofa only all day long and I play and sing to him for hours together I write his letters for him and get him everything he wants and sometimes I read to him and sometimes I talk and sometimes only sit by him and soothe him with silent caresses I know he does not deserve it and I fear I am spoiling him but this once I will forgive him freely and entirely I will shame him into virtue if I can and I will never let him leave me again he is pleased with my attentions it may be, grateful for them he also likes to have me near him and though he is peevish and testy with his servants and his dog he is gentle and kind to me what he would be if I did not so watchfully anticipate his wants and so carefully avoid or immediately desist from doing anything that has a tendency to irritate with however little reason I cannot tell how intensely I wish you were worthy of all this care last night as I sat beside him with his head in my lap passing my fingers through his beautiful curls this thought made my eyes overflow with sorrowful tears as it often does but this time a tear fell on his face and made him look up he smiled but not insultingly dear Helen, he said why do you cry you know I love you and he pressed my hand to his feverish lips and what more could you desire only, Arthur that you would love yourself as truly and as faithfully as you were loved by me that would be hard indeed he replied tenderly squeezing my hand August 24th Arthur is himself again as lusty and reckless as light of heart and head as ever and as restless and hard to amuse as a spoiled child and almost as full of mischief too especially when wet weather keeps him within doors I wish he had something to do some useful trade or profession or employment anything to occupy his head or his hands for a few hours a day and give him something besides his own to think about if he would play the country gentlemen and attend to the farm but that he knows nothing about and won't give his mind to consider or if he would take up some literary study or learn to draw or to play as he is so fond of music I often try to persuade him to learn the piano but he is far too idle for such an undertaking he has no more idea of exerting himself from some obstacles than he has of restraining his natural appetites and these two things are the ruin of him I lay them both to the charge of his harsh yet careless father and his madly indulgent mother if ever I am a mother I will zealously strive against this crime of overindulgence I can hardly give it a milder name when I think of the evil it brings happily it will soon be shooting season and then, if the weather permit he will find occupation enough in the pursuit and destruction of the partridges and pheasants we have no grouse or he might have been similarly occupied at this moment instead of lying under the acacia tree pulling poor Dash's ears but he says it is dull work shooting alone he must have a friend or two to help him let them be tolerably decent then Arthur said I the word friend in his mouth makes me shudder I know it was some of his friends that induced him to stay behind me in London and kept him away so long indeed from what he has ungodly told me or hinted from time to time I cannot doubt that he frequently showed them my letters to let them see how fondly his wife watched over his interests and how keenly she regretted his absence and that they induced him to remain week after week and to plunge into all manner of exorcises to avoid being laughed at for a wife ridden fool and perhaps to show how far he could venture to go without danger of shaking the fond creature's devoted attachment it is a hateful idea but I cannot believe it is a false one well replied he I thought of Lord Lobaro for one but there is no possibility of getting him without his better half our mutual friend Annabella must ask them both you're not afraid of her are you Helen he asked with a mischievous twinkle in his eye of course not I answered why should I and two besides how brave for one he will be glad to come though his own place is so near for he is little enough land of his own to shoot over and we can extend our depredations into it if we like and he is thoroughly respectable you know Helen quite a ladies man I think Grimsby for another he is a decent quiet fellow enough you're not object to Grimsby I hate him but however if you wish it I'll try to endure his presence for a while all a prejudice Helen a mere woman's antipathy no I have solid grounds for my dislike and is that all why yes I think so he's busy billing and cooing with his bride to have much time to spare for guns and dogs at present he replied and that reminds me that I have had several letters from Millicent since her marriage and that she either is or pretends to be quite reconciled to her lot she professes to have discovered numberless virtues and perfections in her husband some of which I fear less partial eyes would fail to distinguish though they sought them carefully with tears and now that she is accustomed to his loud voice and abrupt uncurtious manners she affirms she finds no difficulty in loving him as a wife should do and begs I will burn that letter wherein she spoke so unadvisedly against him so that I trust she may yet be happy but if she is it will be entirely the reward of her own goodness of heart if she chose in to consider herself the victim of fate or of her mother's worldly wisdom she might have been thoroughly miserable and if for duty's sake she had not made every effort to love her husband she would doubtless have hated him to the end of her days End of Chapter 25 Recording by Susie G Chapter 26 of the Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte Chapter 26 September 23rd Our guests arrived about three weeks ago Lord and Lady Lobarrow have now been married above eight months and I will be married to my wife and I will be married to my wife and I will be married above eight months and I will do the lady the credit to say that her husband is quite an altered man his looks, his spirits and his temper are all perceptibly changed for the better since I last saw him but there is room for improvement still he is not always cheerful nor always contented and she often complains of his ill humour which however, of all persons he ought to be the last to accuse him of as he never displays it against her except for such conduct as would provoke a saint he adores her still and would go to the world's end to please her she knows her power and she uses it too but while knowing that to weedle and coax is safer than to command she judiciously tempers her despotism with flattery and blandishments enough to redeem himself a favourite and a happy man but she has a way of tormenting him in which I am a fellow sufferer or might be if I chose to regard myself as such this is by openly but not too glaringly coquetting with Mr. Huntington who is quite willing to be her partner in the game but I don't care for it because with him I know there is nothing but personal vanity this desire to excite my jealousy and perhaps to torment his friend and she no doubt is actuated by much the same motives only there is much more malice and less a playfulness in her manoeuvres it is obviously therefore my interest to disappoint them both as far as I am concerned by preserving a cheerful undisturbed serenity throughout and accordingly endeavour to show the fullest confidence in my husband and the greatest indifference to the arts of my attractive guest I have never reproached the former but once and that was for laughing at Lord Borough's depressed and anxious countenance one evening when they had both been particularly provoking and then indeed I said a good deal on the subject and rebuked him sternly enough but he only laughed and said you can feel for him Helen can't you? I can feel for anyone that has unjustly treated I replied and I can feel for those that injure them too why Helen you are as jealous as he is cried he laughing still more and I found it impossible to convince him of his mistake so from that time I have carefully refrained from any notice of the subject whatever and left Lord Borough to take care of himself he either has not the sense or the power to follow my example though he does try to conceal his uneasiness as well as he can but still it will appear in his face and his ill humour will peep out at intervals though not in the expression of open resentment they never go far enough for that but I confess I do feel jealous at times most painfully bitterly so when she sings and plays to him and he hangs over the instrument and dwells upon her voice with no effected interest for then I know he is really delighted and I have no power to awaken similar further I can amuse and please him with my simple songs but not delight him thus 28th day we all went to the Grove Mr. Hargraves much neglected home his mother frequently asks us over that she may have the pleasure of her D. Walter's company and this time she had invited us to a dinner party and got together as many of the country gentry as were within reach to meet us the entertainment was very well got up but I could not help thinking about the cost of it all the time I don't like Mrs. Hargraves she is a hard, pretentious, worldly minded woman she has money enough to live very comfortably if she only knew how to use it judiciously and had taught her son to do the same but she is ever straining to keep up the appearances with that despicable pride that shuns the semblance of poverty as of a shameful crime she grinds her dependence pinches her servants and deprives even her daughters and herself of the real comforts of life because she will not consent to yield the palm in outward show to those who have three times her wealth and above all because she is determined her cherished son shall be unable to hold up his head with the highest gentleman in the land this same son I imagine is a man of expensive habits no reckless spendthrift and no abandoned sensualist but one who likes to have everything handsome about him and to go to a certain length in youthful indulgences not so much to gratify his own tastes as to maintain his reputation as a man of fashion in the world and a respectable fellow among his own lawless companions while he is too selfish to consider how many comforts might be obtained for his fond mother and sisters with the money he thus wastes upon himself as long as they can contrive to make a respectable appearance once a year when they come to town he gives himself little concern about their private stintings and struggles at home this is a harsh judgment to form of dear, noble-minded generous-hearted Walter but I fear it is too just Mrs. Hogg raves anxiety to make good matches for her daughters is partly the cause and partly the result of these errors by making a figure in the world and showing them off to advantage she hopes to obtain better chances for them and by thus living behind her legitimate means and lavishing so much on their brother she renders them portionless and makes them burdens on her hands poor Millicent I fear has already fallen a sacrifice to the maneuverings of this mistaken mother who congratulates herself on having so satisfactorily discharged her maternal duty and hopes to do as well for Esther but Esther is a child as yet and a little merry romp of fourteen as honest-hearted and as guileless and simple as her sister but with a fearless spirit of her own that I fancy her mother will find some difficulty in bending to her purposes End of Chapter 26 Recording by Susie G Chapter 27 of the Tenant of Wildfell Hall This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Andrea Deans The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte Chapter 27 October 9th It was on the 9th of the 4th a little after T that Annabelle had been singing and playing with Arthur as usual at her side She had ended her song but she still sat at the instrument and he stood leaning on the back of her chair conversing in scarcely audible tones with his face in very close proximity with hers I looked at Lord Lobel He was at the other end of the room talking with Mr. Hargrave and Grimsby but I saw him dart towards this lady and his host a quick and patient glance expressive of intense disquiet at which Grimsby smiled Determined to interrupt the Ted Hotet I rose and selecting a piece of music from the music stand stepped up to the piano intending to ask the lady to play it but I stood transfixed and speechless on seeing her seated there listening with what seemed an exultant smile on her flushed face to his soft murmurings with her hand quietly surrendered to his clasp the blood rushed first to my heart and then to my head for there was more than this almost at the moment of my approach he cast a hurried glance over his shoulder towards the other occupants of the room and then ardently pressed the unresisting hand to his lips unraising his eyes he beheld me again confounded and dismayed she saw me too and confronted me with a look of hard defiance I laid the music on the piano and retired I felt ill but I did not leave the room happily it was getting late and could not be long before the company dispersed I went to the fire and let my head against the chimney piece in a minute or two someone asked me if I felt unwell I did not answer indeed at the time I knew not what was said but I mechanically looked up and saw Mr. Hargrave standing beside me on the rug shall I get you a glass of wine he said no thank you I replied and turning from him I looked round Lady Lowborough was beside her husband bending over him as he sat with her hand on his shoulder softly talking and smiling in his face and Arthur was at the table turning over a book of engravings I seated myself in the nearest chair and Mr. Hargrave finding his services were not desired judiciously withdrew shortly after the company broke up and as guests were retiring to their rooms Arthur approached me smiling with the utmost assurance are you very angry Helen murmured he this is no jest Arthur said I seriously but as calmly as I could unless you think it a jest to lose my affection forever what so bitter he exclaimed laughing clasping my hand between both his but I snatched it away in indignation almost indiscussed for he was obviously affected with wine then I must go down on my knees said he and kneeling before me with clasped hands uplifted in mock humiliation he continued imploringly forgive me Helen my dear Helen forgive me and I'll never do it again and during his face in his handkerchief he affected too sob aloud leaving him thus employed I took my candle and slipped quietly from the room hastened upstairs as fast as I could but he soon discovered that I had left him and rushing up after me caught me in his arms just as I had entered the chamber and was about to shut the door in his face no no by heaven you shan't escape me so he cried then alarmed at my agitation he begged me not to put myself in such a passion telling me I was white in the face and should kill myself if I did so let me go then I murmured and immediately he released me and it was well he did for I was really in a passion I sank into the easy chair and endeavored to compose myself for I wanted to speak to him calmly he stood beside me but did not venture to touch me or to speak for a few seconds then approaching a little nearer he dropped one knee not in mock humility but to bring himself near my level and leaning his hand on the arm of the chair he began in a low voice it is all nonsense Helen a jest a mere nothing not worth a thought will you never learn he continued more boldly that you have nothing to fear for me that I love you wholly and entirely or if he added with a lurking smile I ever give a thought to another you may well spare it for those fancies are hearing gone like a flash of lightning well my love for you burns on steadily and forever like the sun you little exorbitant tyrant will not that be quiet moment will you Arthur said I and listen to me and don't think I'm in a jealous fury I am perfectly calm feel my hand and I gravely extended it towards him but closed it upon his with an energy that seemed to disprove the assertion smile you needn't smile sir said I still tightening my grasp and looking steadfastly on him till he almost quailed before me you may think it all very fine Mr. Huntingdon to amuse yourself with rousing my jealousy but take care you don't rouse my hate instead and when you have once extinguished my love you will find it no easy matter to kindle it again well Helen I won't repeat the offense but I met nothing by it I assure you I had taken too much wine and I was scarcely myself at the time you often take too much and that is another practice I detest he looked up astonished yes I continued I never mentioned it before because I was ashamed to do so but now I'll tell you that it distresses me and may disgust me if you go on and suffer the habit to grow upon you as it will if you don't check it in time but the whole system of your conduct to Lady Lowborough was fine and this night you knew perfectly well what you were doing well I am sorry for it replied he with more of sulkingness than contrition what more would you have you are sorry that I saw you no doubt I answered coley but if you had not seen me he murmured it would have done no harm my heart felt ready to burst but I resolutely swallowed back my emotion and answered calmly you think not no replied he boldly after all what have I done it's nothing except as you choose to make it a subject of accusation and distress Lord Lowborough your friend think if he knew all or what would you yourself think if he or any other had acted the same part to me throughout as you have to anabella I would blow his brains out well then arthur how can you call it nothing an offense for which you would think yourself justified blowing another man's brains out is it nothing to trifle with your friends feelings and mine to endeavor to steal a woman's affections from her husband what he values more than gold and therefore what it is more dishonest to take are the marriage vows adjust and is it nothing to make it your sport to break them and to tempt another to do the same can I love a man who does such things and coolly maintains it is nothing you are breaking your marriage vows yourself said he indignantly rising and pacing to and fro you promised to honor and obey me and now you attempt to hector over me and threaten and accuse me and call me worse than a highway man if it were not for your situation Helen I would not submit to it so tingly I wouldn't be dictated to by a woman though she be my wife what will you do then will you go on till I hate you and then accuse me of breaking my vows silent a moment and then replied you never will hate me returning and resuming his former position at my feet he repeated more vehemently you cannot hate me as long as I love you but how can I believe that you love me if you continue to act in this way just imagine yourself in my place would you think I loved you if I did so would you believe my protestations and honor and trust me under such circumstances the cases are different he replied it is a woman's nature to be constant to love one and one only blindly tenderly and forever bless them dear creatures and you above them all but you must have some commiseration for us Helen you must give us a little more license for as Shakespeare has it however we do praise ourselves our fancies are more giddy and un-firm more longing, wavering sooner lost in one than women's are do you mean that your fancies are lost to me and won by Lady Loburl no heaven is my witness that I think her mere dust and ashes in comparison with you and shall continue to think so unless you drive me from you by too much severity she is a daughter of earth you are an angel of heaven only be not too austere in your divinity and remember that I am a poor fallible mortal come now Helen won't you forgive me gently taking my hand and looking up with an innocent smile if I do you will repeat the offense I swear by don't swear I'll believe your word as well as your oath I wish I could have confidence in either try me then Helen only trust and pardon me this once and you shall see come I am in hell's torment till you speak the word I did not speak it but I put my hand on his shoulder and kissed his forehead and then burst into tears he embraced me tenderly and we have been good friends ever since he has been decently temperate at table and well conducted towards Lady Loburl the first day he held himself aloof from her as far as he could without any flagrant breach of hospitality since that he has been friendly and civil but nothing more in my presence at least nor I think at any other time for she seems haughty and displeased and Lord Loburl is manifestly more cheerful and more cordial towards his host than before but I shall be glad when they are gone for I have so little love for Annabella that it is quite a task to be civil to her and as she is the only woman here besides myself we are necessarily throwing so much together next time Mrs. Hargrave calls I shall hail her advent as quite a relief I have a good mind to ask Arthur's leave to invite the old lady to stay with us till our guests depart I think I will she will take it as a kind intention and though I have little relish for her society she will be truly welcome as a third to stand between Lady Loburl and me the first time the latter and I were alone together after that unhappy evening was an hour or two after breakfast on the following day when the gentlemen were gone out after the usual time spent in the writing of letters the reading of newspapers and dusso tarry conversation we sat silent for two or three minutes she was busy with her work and I was running over the columns of a paper from which I had extracted all the pith some twenty minutes before it was a moment of painful embarrassment to me and I thought it must be infamately more so to her but it seems I was mistaken she was the first to speak and smiling with the coolest assurance she began your husband was Mary last night Helen is he often so my blood boiled in my face but it was better she should seem to attribute his conduct to this than to anything else no replied I and never will be so again I trust you gave him a curtain lecture did you no but I told him I disliked his conduct and he promised me not to repeat it I thought he looked rather subdued this morning she continued and you Helen you've been weeping I see that's our grand resource you know but doesn't it make your eyes smart and do you always find it to answer I never cry for effect nor can I conceive how I can well I don't know I never had occasion to try it but I think if low borough were to commit such improprieties I'd make him cry I don't wonder it you're being angry for I'm sure I'd give my husband a lesson he would not soon forget for a lighter offense than that but then he never will do anything of the kind for I keep him in too good order for that are you sure you don't irrigate too much of the credit to yourself Lord low borough was quite as remarkable for his abstemiousness for some time before you married him as he is now I have heard oh about the wine you mean yes he's safe enough for that but is to looking a scans to other women he's safe enough for that too while I live for he worships a very ground I tread on indeed and are you sure you deserve it why as to that I can't say you know we're all fallible creatures Helen we none of us deserve to be worshiped but are you sure that Helen Huntington deserves all the love you give to him I knew not what to answer to this I was burning with anger but I suppressed all outward manifestations of it and only bit my lip and pretended to arrange my work at any rate resumed she pursuing her advantage you can console yourself with the assurance that you are worthy of all the love he gives to you you flatter me said I but at least I can try to be worthy of it and then I turned the conversation end of chapter 27 recording by Andrea Deans Chapter 28 of the Tenant of Wildfell Hall this is a LibriVox recording while LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte Chapter 28 December 25th last Christmas I was a bride with a heart overflowing with present bliss and full of ardent hopes for the future though not unmingled with foreboding fears now I am a wife my bliss is sobered but not destroyed my hopes diminished but not departed my fears increased but not yet thoroughly confirmed and thank heaven I am a mother too God has sent me a soul to educate for heaven and give me a new and calmer bliss and stronger hopes to comfort me December 25th 1823 another year is gone my little Arthur lives and thrives he is healthy but not robust he is faithfulness and vivacity already affectionate and susceptible of passions and emotions it will be long ere he can find words to express he has won his father's heart at last and now my constant terror is lest he should be ruined by that father's thoughtless indulgence but I must beware of my own weakness too for I never knew till now how strong are a parent's temptations to spoil an only child I have need of consolation in my son for to this silent paper I may confess it I have but little in my husband I love him still and he loves me in his own way but oh how different from the love I could have given and once had hoped to receive how little real sympathy there exists between us how many of my thoughts and feelings are gloomily cloistered within my own mind how much of my higher and better self is indeed unmarried doomed either to harden and sour in the sunless shade of solitude or to quite degenerate and fall away for lack of nutriment in this unwholesome soil but I repeat I have no right to complain only let me state the truth some of the truth at least and see hereafter if any darker truths will blot these pages we have now been full two years united the romance of our attachment must be worn away surely I have now got down to the lowest gradation in Arthur's affection and discovered all the evils of his nature if there be any further change it must be for the better as we become still more accustomed to each other surely we shall find no lower depth than this and if so I can bear it well as well at least as I have borne it hitherto Arthur is not what is commonly called a bad man he has many good qualities but he is a man without self-restraint or lofty aspirations a lover of pleasure and enjoyment he is not a bad husband but his notions of matrimonial duties and comforts are not my notions judging from appearances his idea of a wife is a thing to love one devotedly and to stay at home to wait on her husband and amuse him and minister to his comfort in every possible way while he chooses to stay with her and when he is absent to attend to his interests, domestic or otherwise and patiently wait for his return in the meantime early in the spring he announced his intention of going to London his affairs there demanded his attendance he said and he could refuse it no longer he expressed his regret of having to leave me but hoped I would amuse myself with the baby till he returned but why leave me I said I can go with you I can be ready at any time you would not take that child to town yes why not the thing was absurd whether to disagree with him and with me as a nurse the late hours and London habits would not suit me under such circumstances and altogether he assured me that it would be excessively troublesome injurious and unsafe I overruled his objections as well as I could for I trembled at the thoughts of his going alone and would sacrifice almost anything for myself much even for my child to prevent it but at length he told me plainly and somewhat testily I was worn out with the baby's restless nights and must have some repose I proposed separate apartments but it would not do the truth is Arthur I said at last you are weary of my company and determined not to have me with you you might as well have said so at once he denied it but I immediately left the room and flew to the nursery to hide my feelings if I could not soothe them there I was too hurt to express any further dissatisfaction with his plans to refer to the subject again except for the necessary arrangements concerning his departure and the conduct of affairs during his absence till the day before he went when I earnestly exhorted him to take care of himself and keep out of way of temptation he laughed at my anxiety but assured me there was no cause for it and promised to attend to my advice I suppose it is no use asking you to fix a day for your return said I why no I hardly can under the circumstances but be assured love I shall not be long away I do not wish to keep you a prisoner at home I replied I should not grumble at your staying whole months away if you can be happy so long without me provided I knew you were safe but I don't like the idea of your being there among your friends as you call them poo poo you silly girl do you think I can't take care of myself you didn't last time but this time Arthur I added earnestly show me that you can and teach me that I need not fear to trust you he promised fair but in such a manner as we seek to sue the child and did he keep his promise no and henceforth I can never trust his word bitter, bitter confession tears blind me while I write it was early in March that he went and he did not return till July this time he did not trouble himself to make excuses as before and his letters were less frequent and shorter and less affectionate in the last few weeks they came slower and slower and more terse and careless every time but still when I omitted writing he complained of my neglect when I wrote sternly and coldly as I confess I frequently did at the last he blamed my harshness and said it was enough to scare him from his home when I tried my old persuasion he was a little more gentle in his replies and promised to return but I had learnt at last to disregard his promises Chapter 29 of The Tenant of Wildfell Hall this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte Chapter 29 those were four miserable months alternating between intense anxiety despair and inclination pity for him and pity for myself and yet through all I was not wholly comfortless I had my darling sinless inoffensive little one to console me but even this consolation was embittered by the constantly recurring thought how shall I teach him hereafter to respect his father and yet to avoid his example but I remembered that I had brought all these afflictions in a manner willfully upon myself and I determined to bear them without a murmur at the same time I resolved not to give myself up to misery for the transgressions of another and endeavor to divert myself as much as I could and besides the companionship of my child and my dear faithful Rachel who evidently guessed my sorrows and felt for them though she was too discreet to allude to them I had my books and pencil my domestic affairs and the welfare and comfort of Arthur's portennates and laborers to attend to and I sometimes sought and obtained amusement in the company of my young friend Esther Hargrave and I rode over to see her and once or twice I had her to spend the day with me at the manor Mrs. Hargrave did not visit London that season having no daughter to marry she thought it as well to stay at home and economize and for a wonder Walter came down to join her in the beginning of June and stayed till near the close of August the first time I saw him was on a sweet warm evening when I was sauntering in the park with little Arthur and Rachel who is head nurse and ladies maid in one with my secluded life and tolerably active habits I require but little attendance and as she had nursed me and coveted to nurse my child and was more or so very trustworthy I preferred committing the important charge to her with a young nursery maid under her directions to engaging anyone else besides it saves money and since I have made acquaintance with Arthur's affairs I have learnt to regard that as no trifling recommendation for by my own desire the whole of the income of my fortune is devoted for many years to come to the paying off of his debts and the money he contrives to squander away in London is incomprehensible but to return to Mr. Hargrave I was standing with Rachel beside the water amusing the laughing baby in her arms with a twig of willow laden with golden catkins when, greatly to my surprise he entered the park mounted on his costly black hunter and crossed over the grass to meet me he saluted me with a very fine compliment delicately worded and modestly delivered with all which he had doubtless concocted as he rode along he told me he had brought a message from his mother who as he was riding that way had desired him to call at the manor and beg the pleasure of my company to a friendly family dinner tomorrow there is no one to meet but ourselves said he but Esther is very anxious to see you and my mother fears you will feel solitary in this great house so much alone and wishes she could persuade you to give her the pleasure of your company more frequently and make yourself at home in our more humble dwelling till Mr. Huntington's return shall render this a little more conducive to your comfort she is very kind I answered but I am not alone you see and those whose time is fully occupied seldom complain of solitude will you not come tomorrow then she will be sadly disappointed if you refuse I did not relish being thus compassionate for my loneliness however I promise to come what a sweet evening this is observed tea looking round upon the sunny park with its imposing swell and slope its placid water and majestic clumps of trees and what a paradise you live in it is a lovely evening answered I and I sighed to think how little I had felt its loveliness and how little of a paradise sweet grass-dale was to me how still less to the voluntary exile from its scenes whether Mr. Hargrave I find my thoughts I cannot tell but with a half-hesitating sympathizing seriousness of tone and manner he asked if I had lately heard from Mr. Huntington not lately I replied I thought not he muttered as if to himself looking thoughtfully on the ground are you not lately returned from London I asked only yesterday and did you see him there yes I saw him was he well yes that is he was increasing hesitation and an appearance of suppressed indignation he was as well as as he deserved to be but under circumstances I should have deemed incredible for a man so favoured as he is he here looked up and pointed the sentence with a serious bow to me I suppose my face was crimson pardon me Mrs. Huntington he continued but I cannot suppress my indignation when I behold such infatuated blindness and perversion of taste but perhaps you are not aware he paused I am aware of nothing sir except that he delays his coming longer than I expected and if at present he prefers the society of his friends to that of his wife and the dissipations of the town to the quiet of country life I suppose I have those friends to thank for it their taste and occupations are similar to his and I don't see why his conduct should awaken either their indignation or surprise you wrong me cruelly answered he I have shared but little of Mr. Huntington's society for the last few weeks and as for his tastes and occupations they are quite beyond me lonely wanderer as I am where I have but sipped and tasted he drains the cup to the dregs and if ever for a moment I have sought to drown the voice of reflection in madness and folly or if I have wasted too much of my time and talents among reckless and dissipated companions God knows I would gladly renounce them entirely and forever if I had but half the blessings and so thanklessly cast behind his back but half the inducements to virtue and domestic orderly habits that he despises but such a home and such a partner to share it it is infamous he muttered between his teeth and don't think Mrs. Huntington he added aloud that I could be guilty of inciting him to persevere in his present pursuits on the contrary I have remonstrated with him again and again I have frequently expressed my surprise at his conduct and reminded him of his duties and his privileges but to no purpose he only enough Mr. Hargrave you ought to be aware that whatever my husband's faults may be it can only aggravate the evil for me to hear them from a stranger's lips am I then a stranger said he in a sorrowful tone I am your nearest neighbor your son's godfather and your husband's friend may I not be yours also intimate acquaintance must precede real friendship I know but little of you Mr. Hargrave except from report have you then forgotten the six or seven weeks I spent under your roof last autumn I have not forgotten them and I know enough of you Mrs. Huntington to think that your husband is the most enviable man in the world and I should be the next if you would deem me worthy of your friendship if you knew more of me you would not think it or if you did you would not say it and expect me to be flattered by the compliment I stepped backward as I spoke he saw that I wished the conversation to end and immediately taking the hint he gravely bowed wished me good evening and turned his horse towards the road he appeared grieved and hurt at my unkind reception of his sympathizing overtures I was not sure that I had done right in speaking so harshly to him but at the time I had felt irritated almost insulted by his conduct it seemed as if he were presuming upon the absence and neglect of my husband and insinuating even more than the truth against him Rachel had moved on during our conversation to some yard's distance he wrote up to her and asked to see the child he took it carefully into his arms looked upon it with an almost paternal smile and I heard him say as I approached and this too he has forsaken he then tenderly kissed it and restored it to the gratified nurse are you fond of children Mr. Hargrave said I a little softened towards him not in general he replied but that is such a sweet child and so like its mother he added in a lower tone you are mistaken there it is its father it resembles am I not right nurse said he appealing to Rachel I think sir there is a bit of both she replied he departed and Rachel pronounced him a very nice gentleman I had still my doubts on the subject in the course of the following six weeks I met him several times but always save once in company with his mother or his sister or both when I called on them he always happened to be at home and when they called on me it was always he that drove them over in the Phaeton his mother evidently was quite delighted with his dutiful attentions and newly acquired domestic habits the time that I met him alone was on a bright but not oppressively hot day in the beginning of July I had taken little Arthur into the wood that skirts the park and there seated him on the moss cushioned roots of an old oak and having gathered a handful of bluebells and wild roses I was kneeling before him and presenting them one by one to the grasp of his tiny fingers enjoying the heavenly beauty of the flowers through the medium of his smiling eyes forgetting for the moment all my cares laughing at his gleeful laughter and delighting myself with his delight when a shadow suddenly eclipsed a little space of sunshine on the grass before us and looking up I beheld Walter Hargrave standing and gazing upon us excuse me Mrs. Huntington said he, but I was spellbound I had neither the power to come forward and interrupt you nor to withdraw from the contemplation of such a scene how vigorous my little godson grows and how merry he is this morning he approached the child and stooped to take his hand but on seeing that his caresses were likely to produce tears and lamentations instead of a reciprocation of friendly demonstrations he prudently drew back what a pleasure and comfort that little creature must be to you, Mrs. Huntington he observed with a touch of sadness in his intonation as he admiringly contemplated the infant it is, replied I and then I asked after his mother and sister he politely answered my inquiries and then returned again to the subject I wished to avoid though with a degree of timidity that witnessed his fear to offend you have not heard from Huntington lately he said, not this week not these three weeks, I might have said I had a letter from him this morning I wish it were such a one as I could show to his lady he half drew from his waistcoat pocket a letter with Arthur's still-beloved hand on the address, scowled at it and put it back again, adding but he tells me he is about to return next week he tells me so every time he writes indeed, well it is like him but to me he always avowed it his intention to stay till the present month it struck me like a blow this proof of premeditated transgression and systematic disregard of truth it is only of a peace with the rest of his conduct observed Mr. Hargrave thoughtfully regarding me and reading I suppose my feelings in my face then he is really coming next week said I after a pause you may rely upon it if the assurance can give you any pleasure and is it possible Mrs. Huntington that you can rejoice at his return he exclaimed attentively perusing my features again of course Mr. Hargrave is he not my husband oh Huntington you know not what you slight he passionately murmured I took up my baby and wishing him good morning departed to indulge my thoughts unscrutinized within the sanctum of my home and was I glad yes delighted though I was angered by Arthur's conduct and though I felt that he had wronged me and was determined