 I'm the comic weekly man, the jolly comic weekly man. And I'm here to read the funnies to you happy boys and honeys. Yes, boys and girls, it's comic weekly time. And here I come right into your house to bring a little fun and happiness. Right out of the pages of Puck the Comic Weekly straight into your living room, your friend, the comic weekly man, the jolly comic weekly man. Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello, hello. My little Miss Honey, how are you today? You know something? I did the very same thing. I feel lazy too. Well, maybe it's a good thing that's the way it turns out. Because if you're lazy, you take things a little bit easier. Yes, and in a way, that's good. Yes, I agree. That's a very good thought. Thank you. You're welcome. Well, what I said was true, I think. And what's that? I hope you didn't eat so much as you're too lazy to read me the funny. Oh, I'm not too lazy for that. Puck the Comic Weekly? Very well, I'll read that in just a moment. But before I do, let's listen to this nice man. Oh, with Puck the Comic Weekly, and on the first page under bringing up father, Beatle Bailey. Magic words for the music, please. Very well, my lady. Toot me a toot and tweet me a tweedle. Squeeze out music for Bailey the Beatle. Today, Beatle and his squad are to have special practice in finding their way to a destination by reading a compass. So we find them lined up in the supply room, getting their problem sheets from an officer. Beatle sees a sheet of paper with a lot of numbers on it lying on a desk beside him. He says, why stand in line? Here's a problem sheet. A few minutes later, the men are gathered outside the building around the sergeant who announces, you'll find a stake at your destination point. Beatle looks at his sheet of paper with the directions written on it and says, M-O, 1,500. I guess that means north, 1,500 paces. And he starts for north, counting off his paces. 1, 2, 3, 444, 445, 4147, 777, 7178, 7179. And last picture top row, he walks into the office of General Halftrack, who's in the midst of a conference with several other generals. 9105, 9106, 9107. And up under the table he walks and right across it. Who's his half-man? Hey, what's the meaning of this, yeah? And don't mind me, boys. Go right up with your conference. 9108, 9109, 1498, 1499, 1510. And first picture bottom row, he's in front of the dressing room of the wax, the girls in the army. Now right, 50 paces. He turns right and marches toward the open door of the girls' dressing room. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 4, 11, 12, 3, 4. Well, he's in the PX in front of a soda fountain, so he stopped for a quick soda. And last picture, his commanding officer and the sergeant find Beatle in his quarters in his own little bed, taking it easy. The CEO roars, what are you doing in the sack? Beatle smiles sweetly. This is my destination. Where are the stakes? The sergeant jerks the piece of paper out of his hand, takes one look, and roars, you dope. That's the combination to the company's sake. Oh, wasn't that silly? He did. Beatle thought that he had the direction to where to go. And here all the time, he was reading a common dope. Yes, he is. And now I'll give you a little dope about where we're going next. Turn over the page to page 3. Oh, and here after those three mean men had captured him and taken him away. What happens now? Well, Val was furious when he heard what the three men had done, so he and Boltar and Tillicombe had sailed away to the town of Kerloft, where those three men are to punish them. And now Val's ship has sailed into the harbor in front of the town. No, let's see what's going to happen. Very well, here we go with Prince Valiant to the days of King Arthur. Hecate, brecate, gray, malkan, and quince. Music romantic for a fair, fair prince. Val's crowded war vessel menaces the whole town. Last picture top row, Val, Tillicombe, and Boltar leave the ship and ascend the path leading to the high tour, which is the castle at the edge of the town. Val is a prince and is ushered before the chief of the castle. First picture, second row, Val speaks. You're charged with the crime of abducting a prince of a royal house. Are you guilty? Before anyone can answer, Tillicombe points to some men and says, those three servants were among prince son's abductors. This is enough for Val. Looking sternly at the leader, he commands last picture, second row. Arm yourselves and go to the courtyard. Then Val looks at Boltar. And for the first time, they grin. Val draws his sword. And followed by Boltar, they too leave for the courtyard. It's poor against two. And the four criminals are hardy men. But Boltar and Val are possessed with the strength of men of justice avenging a cruel wrong. And though it takes time, the four criminals learn they've made a grave mistake when they try to run away with Val's son. And then the battle is over. And the criminals are reformed. Second picture, bottom row, Val, Tillicombe, and Boltar leave the castle to join their comrades on the ship. Their clothes are torn, and Boltar wears a bandage or two. Angry muttering follow them as they walk through the streets. But no one makes a move to touch them. For Boltar and Prince Val bear famous names. They reach their ship in safety last picture. And the moment they're on board, they sail for home. Good for taking away little arms. Good for taking away little arms. You bet they did. And it was a good thing they brought Tillicombe along, because she knew in a way. Yes, she has an eagle eye, and she doesn't forget. I wonder what'll happen next. Well, maybe Val will have some adventure on the way back home. We'll find out. Now I'm sure you'd like to see what's happening to Flash Gordon. Oh, yes, I would, because he's on the planet Venus, and he's in great danger. You bet he is. So let's turn over the page. Go past page four, past page five, turn over page five. And there on page seven is Flash Gordon. And remember, Flash had been captured by King Tsang on the planet Venus. Yes, and Flash had been sent to guard Queen Vicki when she went out into the forest with the harvesters. And they were attacked by the blue ones, very vicious creatures. And when Flash and Queen Vicki escaped from the danger, they ran into a wild, furious storm. And I don't know how they'll ever save themselves from it. Well, let's find out if they do. Here we go with Flash Gordon. Rigger, rigger, doon, doon, sash, gem, attach. Let's have music for heroic Flash. With a swiftness of a tornado, the Venusian storm is upon them, and catches Queen Vicki's jet car in its power. Flash sees he doesn't have a chance against the terrific winds. And at the risk of crashing in the wind-wipped Venusian jungle, Flash drives Queen Vicki's jet car down, down, down through the storm's supersonic updress, hoping to find some clearing in the dense woods. But not even Flash's skill is enough to guide his tiny craft to a safe landing amid the wildly thrashing tree ferns and giant fungi. Lipped out of the crashing car, Flash clings desperately to the storm-torsed branches. He hangs to the tree desperately, while the raging storm's own fury carries it away. Flash picture top roll, as Flash is pulling himself up, he hears Vicki's anguished wail. He looks up to see Vicki menace first picture bottom roll by a huge beetle. With its prehensile legs, the huge creature is pulling Vicki toward its pincers and gaping jaws. Quickly, Flash whips out his chemigun to dissolve the monster in a stream of acid. The earthman is dismayed to see the acid blast wilt the trees, but Flash harmlessly off the scarab's armored shell. Immune to Flash's weapon, the monster only tightens its grip on the struggling queen. Flash scrambles through the trees, and Flash picture in a last desperate effort to divert the giant beetle's attention. Flash leaps on the creature's back and belabors it for the tree branch. Startled, the beast releases its grip on Vicki and turns on Flash with razor-sharp claws. The vicious creature even flashes gun has no effect on it. That's something we'll have to find out next week. Now it's time to turn over the page. And here we are on the last page of the first section. Yes, at the capital of the United States, Washington, DC, was being attacked by the British. And you mean for the attack that was supposed to come? I wonder what'll happen. Well, let's read now and find out. Here we go with Dick's adventures. Say the magic words with me. Regally pack, kazak, kazik. Let's have music for adventurous Dick. Tragedy hovers over the panicked stricken city. The city is Washington, DC, the year 1814. Dick and a handful of grim-faced Americans take up positions around the abandoned White House. And then the attack comes. The British have swept through the streets of Washington. They're one aim to destroy the capital of the United States because they believe if the White House is destroyed that the spirit of the Americans will be broken. And it'll be easy then to make the country surrender. The Americans fight hard, last picture top row. But defense is futile. Moments later, the British swarm in, intent on destruction. The attack is swift and furious, and the defenders are driven away. First picture, second row, the British set fire to the building. The newly built White House roars up in flames. All throughout the city of Washington, the same thing has happened. The small, poorly equipped army of American defenders has driven out of the city by nightfall. And last picture, second row, they stand on a hilltop some distance away and see building after building, going up in flames, set by the attacking British. The frightful night sky is lit up with ghastly bonfires all over the city. The treasury building, the war office, the arsenal, and the capital, all blazing furnace. Then suddenly, first picture bottom row, the greatest flames of all leap up. The Navy Yard in all its ships are put to the torch by the American defenders themselves to prevent their capture by the British. Across the bridge, men, quick! The only means of escape from this brick and city is by way of the Great Bridge over the Potomac and the Virginia. Dick and his band race across it, only to discover that the British are setting it afire. As they stop to turn back, last picture, they see that in order to prevent the British from crossing, the Virginia militia have fired the bridge at the other end. And they're taking his friend's stand on a bridge, burning at each end, and no way of escape for them. No, I can't remember a time either. I'm just rushing. That was a terrible thing to do, but the British thought that if it destroyed the capital, the Americans would surrender. I'll bet you the Americans don't. No, they don't, and you'll find out next week how they continue this brave fight for freedom. But now look at the bottom of the page. There's Rusty Riley. Oh, yes, and I'm anxious to read that. Well, I'll read that in just a moment, but first, here's that nice man again with something interesting to say. Here we go again with Fuck the Comic Weekly, and on the last page of the first section, Rusty Riley. Magic words for the music, please. Very well, my lady. Gallop and run till the road is dusty. Give us music for his horse and Rusty. This was the last day that Mrs. Jones had to pay Mr. Marlowe the $1,000 she owed him. If she could not pay, Mr. Marlowe would take her farm away from her. The $1,000 certificate that Rusty had won in the horse race was not good enough, and just when the situation looked hopeless, Rusty's friend, Clem, came in and told Rusty that the insurance company had given him $1,000 for his part in saving the ship from being destroyed. Rusty quickly hands the check to Mr. Marlowe, who turns to the sheriff and says, what is this, a devil cross? If I got to accept this check in settlement, and Mrs. Jones debt to me, must I share it? The sheriff answers, I guess you do, Marlowe. When Rusty Riley endorses that certified check, it's the same as current same. And then he turns to Mrs. Jones, hands her the piece of paper that is her agreement with Mr. Marlowe. Here's your mortgage, Mrs. Jones. You can tear it up or burn it. And I'm mighty glad it turned out this way. Mrs. Jones exclaims, Oh, sheriff, it's like a wonderful dream. Then she turns to Rusty, last picture top row, and tells him she can't let him do this. The money belongs to him. Rusty replies, Oh, shucks, Mrs. Jones, what did I do with it? Besides five minutes ago, I didn't even know I had it. Then Tex, who had stepped in through the door and had overheard what had happened, comes forward, first picture bottom row. Well, I got back here right in the middle of this here deal, so I'm just getting a set up. I'm all for what Rusty did, and I'm putting in my check too. And Rusty's friend Pete says, Yeah, in mine too, Mrs. Jones, honest, I don't want it. Mrs. Jones shakes her head. I'm a real proud woman, Mr. Tex. And boys, I just can't take money. I know I can't pay back. Now, now, now, don't lose no sleep over that, ma'am. I got some news for you. While I was in River City, I had a fellow analyze a sample of this soil from around that old oil drillin', and it looks like you're gonna be so rich that these few thousand bucks will look like chicken feet. Man sakes, somebody better pinch me. I, I, I must be dreaming. Last picture, Tex says to Rusty. Oh, by the way, Rusty, I phoned Mr. Miles this morning. There's a telegram for you up there. I had him read it, and I'm afraid you won't like it. Oh, Jeepers, Tex, what's wrong? Yes, it was lucky that Clem got there when he did. Yes, he did. That's the way he deserved to be. But, we'll find that out next week. Now it's time for Dagwit and Blondie, so let's pick up the first page of the second section. Oh, yeah, it happened to Dagwit today. It always does. Well, let's see what it'll be. So here we go with the first page of the second section of Puck the Comic Wiggly and Dagwit and Blondie. Ram-a-foo, ram-a-fum, zim-zam-zum-by. Can't you be music for Dagwit and Blondie? Dagwit is lying on the sofa, taking a nap. Oh, hey Blondie, will you answer the phone? I'm taking a nap. So Blondie answers the phone. A voice asked for Mr. Bumstead. Did you say miss? Blondie, sadly, puts down the phone. And in a second is in the living room looking very unhappy. Last picture top rose, she says. Some girl wants to talk to you, Dagwit. What? I don't know any girls. But he goes to the phone anyway and picks it up. You must have a wrong party. There are thousands of other men. Blondie whispers angrily. How long is this thing going on? No, I don't remember meeting you. I never promised you a date. Last picture, second row. Blondie with tears in her eyes says. And to see. Dagwit, who is now in a complete tizzy, still howls in the phone. You're mistaken. I did. And he slams down the phone and dashes out the door, first picture, third row. She claims I made a date for the last summer and she's on her way over here now. By the time you can go, Blondie has caught him and is shoving him back to the house. I'll join the army. He'll come in and face us like a man. Last picture, third row. Blondie has put the children upstairs into the bedroom and Cookie asks. Why do we have to stay in our room, Mama? You must never know of this terrible thing that's come into our lives. Then the doorbell rings. Blondie goes looking for Dagwit, but he's not in the living room, bedroom, kitchen, stove, refrigerator, bathroom, bathtub, and he's not in the cellar. Oh, yes he is. Dagwit. Blondie finds him hiding behind a barrel. Come out of there, Dagwit. She grabs him by the foot and starts to pull him out. And Dagwit, hearing the doorbell shrieks, there she is. Come, Dagwit, I'll stick by you even though you don't deserve it. And a moment later, Dagwit and Blondie open the door and see a sweet, chubby old lady standing there on the doorstep. Oh, don't you remember last time I missed the bumpstead? You promised to buy your Christmas cards for me this year. And Dagwit goes. And last picture, Blondie and the lady step over Dagwit who's lying in a faint. They sit on the sofa and Blondie says, I'll look over your sample cards. And the lady looks at Dagwit, still lying there in a dead faint. And she says, is there something the matter with your husband? Yes, it was. Now can we find out what's happening to Robin Hood? Well, we certainly can. Turn over the page and go past the Lone Ranger and there's Robin Hood. And I've been especially anxious to read this today because Robin Hood and three of these men have gone into Prince John's castle, disguised as some of the men of Sheriff of Nottingham. Yes, they'd gone there to rescue the maid Marion from Prince John. And they found her locked up in a cell, but she was all right. And Robin told three of these men to take her out of the castle while he stayed to keep watch over the sheriff to make sure that she got away safe. And when they were out of the castle, Robin told the sheriff he would spare his life if the sheriff would keep quiet while Robin rode away and the sheriff promised on his vow of knighthood not to shout. So Robin mounted his horse and rode toward the gate. But then the sheriff broke his word. He shouted to the guard to stop Robin. They wonder what'll happen. Well, let's read now and find out. Here we go with the story of Robin Hood. It's Mary, Mary, England in days long ago. Time now for Robin Hood. So music, hi-ho! As Robin approaches the gate, the sheriff shouts, Hold that man! And immediately two guards stop before Robin's horse. One comes at Robin with a spear, catching him in the shoulder. Robin falls off his horse. And he's on his feet in a second. And he's at the guard with his fists. The sheriff shouts, raise the drawbridge! Raise the drawbridge! Terrified by the clashing of arms, Robin's riderless horse drums across the bridge as it begins to rise. Last picture-trap, Roe wounded. Robin strikes down the second guard. And he staggers toward the drawbridge, which is slowly being raised. He tries to get to the end so he can drop over to safety. Just as his fingers touch the end, first picture-trap, Adam Roe, the sheriff's spear, pins Robin's tunic to the plank. But he wrenches himself free and clamors painfully toward the narrow opening. One of the guards climbs up after him, but Robin kicks him back. And last picture, with a supreme effort, Robin struggles to lift himself over the edge. But he falters and slips back. Well, if a man is a liar and a crook in the first place, it just goes to show you can't trust him for anything. Yes, the sheriff certainly proved that. You bet he did. Well, there is. Well, we'll find out next week. Now it's time for Roy Rogers. So let's go over the page. And remember that Roy and a friend named Brimstone Barlow, a very strange character, were trying to capture a ring of outlaws under the leadership of a man called the Sphinx. And the outlaws had their hideout and an old mission. And last week, Roy and Brimstone found the gate open and so they walked in. And a trapdoor opened under their feet and they were dropped into a pit. I wonder what's gonna happen now? Well, let's read and find out. Here we go with Roy Rogers, King of the Cowboys. Hi, yippie-yo. Now here we go with Roy and Trigger. Hi, yippie-yo. The outlaws stand at the edge of the pit and the man named Gusty laughs. Ha, ha, ha. Welcome to the Sphinx's robber roost, aunts. Roy and Brimstone find they've been caught in a tarpaulin which had been stretched across the pit's bottom. So they haven't been hurt by the fall. Brimstone growls. They'll wall the dirty, honoury tricks. Roy says, hey, quiet, Brimstone. They're inside the outlaw hideout at last. The outlaws drop a rope around Brimstone and then they start to pull him out. They blast your hides, dumpin' a couple of brother bandits into a hole, ain't my idea of makin' friends. Gusty answers, yeah, well, the Sphinx never heard of you or your pard hog like Harrison. Roy scrambles out last picture top row. Then suddenly he shoves one of the outlaws into the pit. Hey, see how you like it down there, mister? That first picture bottom row, Roy whirls around, gun in hand, and now nobody move. Brimstone, if this tinhorn gang doesn't want us, I know another place where we can hole up. Brimstone grins. Yeah, right, Roy, a hog leg. Gusty says, hey, that young homebrew's fast with an iron Sphinx. Should we let him stay till we can check up on him? The Sphinx makes a sign of agreement. Okay, Mars. Gusty leads Roy and Brimstone off. The Sphinx says you can say. You'll see how you handle yourselves when you raid Pine City again to Mora. Roy exclaims, Sphinx isn't very talkative, is he, Gusty? Gusty stops in front of the building and opens the door. The boss will drop by later for a powwow. Meanwhile, you'll be safe in here. Roy answers, thanks, Gusty. And Roy and Brimstone walk into the room and behind the door, a beautiful girl gun in hand stands quietly waiting. Where's Mr. Gunn? I wonder too. It's plain to see she has a look on her face that makes me believe she's worried about something and doesn't want to be seen. Maybe. And maybe she'll have information that can help Roy fool these outlaws. What do you think that could be? We'll find out next week. Now, that's all the time I have. But before I go, here's that nice fellow with some more interesting information. Hey, and all you boys and girls, I've got to go now. All right, Mr. Cromick, remember, I'll be waiting for you next week. I'll be waiting for you next week. I'll be waiting for you next week. OK, that's a date. And a date with all you boys and girls. Be sure to meet me with our little friend Miss Honey next week when I read Puck the Cromick Weekly. For I'm the Cromick Weekly man, the Jolly Cromick Weekly man. I'll be back to read the funnies to you happy boys and honeys. Don't forget, boys and girls, see you all next week. Your friend the Cromick Weekly man, the Jolly Cromick Weekly man.