 Okay, Rob is in the house. Can you bring, tell us the backstory again? So she's my coworker and she came up to me about a month and a half ago and she initiated everything and we've been seeing each other since then and it's been pretty consistent. She's spent the night a few times. We've had a lot of sex just to pull disclosure. Earlier this week, she told me she was depressed. It was like on Tuesday night, I think. And so I drove over to her house to kind of hang out with her and help her feel better. And then she came over on Thursday. I have two jobs. She came in between my two jobs and then we had sex or whatever. And then yesterday I told her that I was taking a day off of work because my elbow was kind of sore. And she said that, or she didn't respond to that text. I said, well, hey, I'm gonna be available later today when you get off work or tonight when I get off work, you can come over. And then she just didn't respond to that text. Okay. So is it okay if I ask you some questions? Yeah. Okay, and really quickly for everyone's watching just to give you a quick backstory, Rob posted in the chat box that he's been with someone for a month and a half and she just ghosted him yesterday and he wanted some perspective on all of this. So, okay, so you both work together, is that correct? Yeah. Okay, and basically I'm gonna guess that there was sexual tension between the two of you. Is that a fair statement? Yeah, I would say so. Okay. And would you be fair to say that most the time the two of you've got together it's been sexual most of the time. Have you gone out on any physical dates? Have you gone out to dinner? Have you gone out to drinks? Have you done anything or has it been Netflix, chill and fuck? Yeah, I mean it's basically been like you said Netflix, chill and fuck. I mean we, the first time we went out we did go out have a couple drinks but it was only for maybe an hour and then we just went back to my place and yeah, you're right. The way you describe it as mostly a sexual relationship I would say that that's fairly accurate. Though I mean she has, go ahead. Okay, so and by the way I wanna give you your props you are in the real hot seat here because we have mostly women watching this channel. So you might be judged, you might be criticized you know I want you to know that but you know I want you to own your sovereignty for a moment no matter how else anyone views you, okay? Okay. So let's just cut to the cut real here for a moment. This was for lack of a better word of friends with benefits relationship. I mean would- Yes. Or hooking up maybe more so because I'm not even sure the two of you are really that good of friends is that true? I would, you're probably pretty accurate to describe it as a friends with benefits but I mean she has confided in me in the past and you know gotten really emotional with me and you know told me vulnerable things and stuff like that and you know cried in front of me and stuff like that. So you know I would say we have had moments where we do connect on kind of a deeper level but for the most part it's been mainly sexual I would say. Okay by the way folks there is nothing wrong with this. Two consenting adults, you know two consenting adults but had did you guys really talk about what are you doing? I mean okay and let me explain why. Yeah, yeah we, you know I actually you know she went through a relationship with an ex that she described him as a narcissist and you know she said he was abusive and stuff like this and in the context of us seeing each other she was still kind of going back and forth with him a little bit. And one day I mentioned that you know it's okay that you're going back and forth you know I understand it's an emotionally difficult situation and we're more or less just friends with benefits you know this is more or less kind of a transactional relationship and she actually got really angry with me when I said that you know she. I'm making a note here. She told me she was gonna block me and all this stuff she got very very very upset you know and I thought the relationship was over at that point because of how angry she was at me because I actually used an analogy to describe the relationship and she was very offended by the analogy I described it as you know consuming food at a restaurant and I felt badly after I thought about it in retrospect but I was trying to make her feel better about her going back and forth you know and telling her. Now let me be clear about something Rob just so I have clarity. Was she having sex with you and she was also having sex with the ex? Well it was kind of complicated because she told me that she. Oh no that's a yes or no by the way that's a yes or no answer. Well she told me. She had sex with him while having sex with you. I think yes but she would tell me that she didn't want to have sex with him and stuff like that you know what I mean and she was trying not to. So what you're saying is it's possible that she was having sex but saying I didn't want to have sex with him but still did. Okay so let's. She said she got off on denying him because of how he treated her. Okay. You know she said. Well that's a whole another hornet's nest we can open up but let's now talk about you my friend okay and you've got to be willing to handle some tough love here. Yeah I can handle it. Okay so you went into this you a year from your perspective this was a friends with benefits relationship. So let me ask you yes or no do you want to be in a fully committed relationship with a woman in the future? A woman any woman? Well I mean the woman you love okay. Well let's exclude her for a moment okay. Do you want a fully committed relationship with someone? Yes. Okay do you think the best way to enter into a relationship is to start as friends with benefits or is it better to do something more clear about the intention and not just be about having sex? I think it's probably good to have a clear intention. Yeah and you and now it was it sounds to me because by the way I want to read to you what one of our Billy Holt says well there you go Rob friends with benefits that's why she ghosted you. So did she ghost you the minute you started to frame the relationship as friends with benefits was that the trigger that caused her to ghost you? No that was actually kind of an interesting situation because like I said she got really angry and she told me we're done. You ruined the relationship. She told me all this stuff I'm blocking you. Okay. I could go on and on and on. She was very very upset and I tried to console her I was like well look I didn't mean it like that blah blah blah you know I was trying to console her and I assume the relationship was over at that point because of how angry she was and then she texted me two days later and told me that I was giving up too easily and I was like what do you mean? I was like you. Well let's hold off for a second I want to giving up too easily. Yeah she's like wow you give up too easily. No no no I want to go back to the other thing. So can you understand why a woman might get upset if she thinks it's only just sex? Yeah. Okay so in all fairness- And I also told her I also told her like look you know based on the way that I reacted to this situation you know with you getting all upset with me and me trying to console you obviously I have more respect for you than just wanting to have sex with you period. You know what I mean? So you know I do care about her as a person you know and then earlier in this week you know she told me she was depressed and I went over there and I hung out with her. I didn't even really want to go I kind of just wanted to go to bed but I said you know what I'm gonna make a sacrifice and I'm gonna go be with her because she needs somebody right now. You know so I do care about her. So she gets offended and then she comes back and said you gave up too easily. Yeah. So I'm gonna speak now from how do you if you know mind me asking? 36. 36 okay. Can you just for the moment imagine that I'm your big uncle okay? Yeah. Yeah I'm your father's brother you know and or your mom's brother and I'm gonna be your uncle here for a moment okay. And I'm saying this with genuine care in that sense that like look nephew if you want a fully committed relationship with someone somebody that you can go and do social activities and hobbies and mutual interest and spend time with family and friends and travel together and have amazing emotional and sexual intimacy with a partner then it's important to go in with the intention of I want a fully committed relationship with somebody okay. It's to have that mindset that you want to be in a fully committed relationship with someone first okay. Number two it means tempering my sexual urges as I build trust with this other person. I repeat that tempering my sexual urges while I get trust with this person. Now I suspect in this dynamic because the two of you work together you had some level of friendship okay. True. A little bit I mean like you said there was sexual tension but we weren't talking that much you know she told me she wanted to have sex with me the moment she saw me actually but the. But your relationship let me interrupt is your relationship was built on sex and it wasn't built on actually developing much more beyond Netflix, chill and fuck okay. I mean let's just be real. That's true. So her behavior is indicative and by the way she ghosted you 24 hours ago that's not ghosting. Ghosting is disappearing for good okay. She's not you know by the way you're gonna see her at work anyway. What we really have to address is the conversation that you want to have with her the next time you interact with her and that's what I wanna talk to you about as my nephew Rob okay. I want you to stand in your power I'll call it your masculine power, your male power and invite what do you want out of this relationship? That's my first question to you what do you want out of this relationship? You know I suppose I just enjoy the friends with benefits thing because to be honest with you she's older than me you know she's 42 and she's divorced and she has four children you know and I'm single and I have no children and I've never been married. So from my point of view it doesn't feel like I would even be I don't know I just doesn't seem like there's long term potential because. Well then okay so then dude hear me out for a second if there is not long term potential okay look I get it if two consenting adults wanna have a friends with benefits relationship then go about it but you messaged me first and saying she ghosted me and I was afraid I did something wrong. So you went into most likely some level of shame some level of embarrassment some level of self criticism and because of that you know we don't have enough time to address the emotional effects of what's going on with you but now that I understand the picture greater is that you're engaged in a merely sexual relationship and I can understand your rationale for saying look there are factors that probably don't make sense in being this relationship and she's a consulting adult and we can both but at the end of the day our emotions are factors that can have deep consequences if we go in to merely a sexual relationship because there are emotional consequences that can happen for both of you more so for a woman tend to be than a man because a man can ejaculate and not have the same attachment as when a woman is physically intimate. So what I'm inviting you to do is step into your sovereignty as a man and do the right thing. And by ending the relationship because if this isn't a relationship that has the potential of going anywhere and I get it's easier to get you know it's easier to you know get laid by someone than actually forming a relationship by making this stand you are much closer to getting what you want. That's your uncle talking to you. That makes sense. So I guess a part of me was kind of getting attached to the situation I suppose but I don't know if that was just because I really enjoyed the sex or because I enjoyed like the validation of being desired I suppose you know so. By the way ladies who are watching this and guys are watching that was the most valid thing or not valid that was the most vulnerable thing you said to be desired by another human being is incredibly quite frankly it's intoxicating. It's I mean it's intoxicating to be desired by another human being. It's a human need that we all have of wanting to be desired by someone. So I appreciate your vulnerability right there. I'm also inviting you to step into and again you're welcome to do what you want okay. And I know you're working two jobs so it's probably hard to go out there and physically date and go through all the bullshit of dating that we all have to deal with. And by the way you're age demographic I have a son who's 27. I don't envy you know the dating marketplace for your generation I know you're a millennial but yeah it's mad. It's crazy out there for both men and women alike. It's a clusterfuck out there. By the way just out of curiosity why do you watch my, is this the first time watching my channel or are you a regular? It's the first time it just randomly popped up and one of my in the on the sidebar so I was just clicked it because it was live and I figured well since it's live I could probably get a little bit of support in the chat. So that's fine. Well you got some sympathy but I'm gonna be candid with you now that women have heard the story of this they're not a sympathetic towards you okay. You did do a little bait and switch okay. But the same time you're a real human being who is experiencing a real circumstance. So let's talk about how you felt the pain you felt experiencing the ghost right now. Talk to me about that emotional feeling. It honestly just hurts you know it's it feels like what you were saying earlier about being abandoned by your mom and stuff like that and then triggering the anxiety and stuff like that. I can relate to that a lot you know because my mom was like that you know she my mom had a lot of problems and you know she wasn't really able to be emotionally available even for herself but let alone for other people you know. So I think that just triggered a deep wound like kind of what you were describing but you know it's also triggers me in another way because this has been a consistent experience with me for the last several months. You know I was kind of a loner for a long time I didn't have friends or social life or anything but then last year women started approaching me at work you know and there was actually four this is actually the fourth woman who came up to me and gave me her number. There's three other women before that weirdly enough so but all three all three time or the three other women before her I had kind of a similar experience with we weren't having sex Sierra was the first one I had sex with but the other three women it was kind of a similar experience of feeling emotionally abandoned not feeling safe I guess you would say and then triggering these feelings and not feeling good enough you know like I feel like am I not playing the game correctly am I making strategic errors with these women that's causing me to not experience the results that I would like to experience you know so it just triggers this thing inside of me that's like you're not good enough because if you were better or different you would be treated better you know I want to jump in Rob so first off again thank you for the vulnerability thank you for expressing how you're feeling I really want to applaud you and particularly the fact that this was something that happened from your childhood and how this is you know transitioned into your adult life so I'm gonna give you some advice right now. First off just out of curiosity do you watch any of the red pill videos out there or the mannosphere videos out there and the whole sexual market value videos and all that stuff okay so I want to- I go even further than that I go all the way to the black pill I don't know if you're aware of that okay well I don't have enough time to get into that right now because I want to transition into a real learning lesson for you of almost all of that advice which is geared towards men and it's trying to shame women at the same time is incredibly toxic okay because what you're describing by the way they are and they do work in a temporary capacity okay a lot of this advice works in a temporary capacity now some of their advice that's critically important clean up your act clean up your act professionally, physically and emotionally that is good advice to clean up your act professionally physically and emotionally but we're gonna address the emotional because that's the most critical component here and they don't do that in their advice I want you to pick up a copy of this book called the Hoffman process okay I want you to make a commitment to me right now that as soon as you get off the phone with or this call with me you're gonna buy this on Amazon the Hoffman process okay okay now this is deep shit it's a workbook and you're gonna work on some deep shit that relates to your childhood this is gonna be herculean work for you it's probably it'll be easier to give up than actually do the work it's easier to give up but I'm telling you as your big uncle here the Hoffman process okay on Amazon you will get to the center of what your wounds and traumas how it affects you as an adult okay it'll be mind-blowing and mind-boggling it's not gonna be how to get a girl this way or some black pill narrative or you know mannisfirer narrative out there this is going to be how to heal here okay which will give you the confidence by the way you're already getting women attracted to you you don't have any problems getting women they're all coming to you but they're coming to you from those wounded women are attracted to your woundedness and you you get what's known as dramatic relationships you will end up in dramatic relationships and I mean what I mean is relationships filled with a tremendous amount of drama okay and you don't want that okay so so I want you to do some healing and with respects to this woman who is ghosted you I want you to really sit and really think about how do you want to treat this person going forward do you want to continue with friends with benefits then be honest okay you're you're welcome to do that I'm inviting you to step into your power and say I don't want to friends with benefits relationship I want a fully committed relationship where we spend where we do shared activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends traveling together teamwork building skills in our both in our life physical and emotional intimacy that actually leads to something dream you know profound that's the stand I invite you to make and if you didn't memorize what I just said go back rewind this video at this very same mark and listen to it again that's my invitation for you because this pattern you're you just you know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is this helping by the way Rob are you taking this in yeah it is helping you know and describing the relationships that I've been experiencing as dramatic and chaotic I think that's accurate you know there is a woman that I was really I liked her a lot last year and you know it just it didn't work out but you know the communication was very poor you know she was kind of harsh towards me at times you know she didn't have sympathy towards me when I tried to share something I was proud of she would cut me off and tell me I she wouldn't have sympathy for me so I don't think it was a safe or healthy dynamic you know so I think you're right in what you're saying okay so Rob I'm going to give you one last bit of advice this is going to sting a little bit okay okay but I want you to know that I it's coming from a place of law okay so I want you to clean up your place because I can see what it looks like behind you now I recognize you went online not expecting to but here's why I want you to clean up your place okay for a couple different reasons okay first and foremost when you walk into a room that's always clean you will always feel better about yourself I'm inviting you today to have an immaculate clean home okay no clothes hanging from the chair none of your shit out okay shit on the floor I want you to clean your place okay okay because cleaning your place is a metaphor for cleaning up the clutter inside of you okay and I say this with sincere love I invite and by the way always keep your place clean you know I know you were caught off guard so this is kind of a little bit might feel like shaming but I'm listen I'm in the same boat there are times I just let shit go and that might have been the case but I'm inviting you to do that going forward because what I'm really asking you to do is clean up all the facets of your life from beginning to where you are today because there is a you still have 45 to 50 years at a minimum left in front of you and there's nothing more amazing than having a great partner in your life to grow old with to grow with excuse me and it starts by growing individually so clean up your room as Jordan Peterson would say okay you know who I'm talking about right yeah I okay yeah I know I'm okay he would say that because that's his first chapter in his book I believe or is one of the chapters in his book and clean up your emotional life be honest with her and yourself and maybe through this work you're going to find the relationship you see that's my hope for you is this sinking in is this resonating please let me know yeah okay good hey thank you for having the bravery to be on the women were very appreciative of you you got a lot of props through this conversation so keeping you being an integrity with yourself and you might find the relationship you say well thanks for being on thank you for letting me come on and I appreciate you talking to me oh you're very welcome keep watching thank you Rob you take care bye now wow what what an amazing conversation I had not expected that to happen I think it took a lot of bravery for him to give on come on I think I gave him a little bit of crap for his room but I'm it's just a metaphor I hope you everyone appreciates that but most importantly I want to give you an example of a man who is very genuine at at at recognizing that he certainly has a wound from his childhood that needs to be addressed and I think I hopefully the book will give him some of that and again all the books I recommend are listed below I think also I invited him to be an integrity with her be an integrity with himself but more importantly be an integrity with her and be an integrity with anybody going forward because and it sounds like he is they're they're honest with each other and in by the way I'm not surprised she goes to them because friends with benefits are not relationships based on commitment they're based on sex and relationships based on sex rarely ever go the distance so get into the core of what caused you to choose this kind of relationship to choose the fear and rewire it and that's my invitation for him okay well thanks again Rob for being on we give you a thumbs up all right folks you know what I think this will be a great place to wrap up this video today it has been a true honor to have you on if you found if there's anything you'd like to share post a comment below I'd like to hear all your thoughts I do my best to read all the comments um listen if you're watching the replay give that super thanks if you got value out of this if you got that far by the way check out all the links to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you to follow me on Instagram to join me in my group called midlife love mastery the books I recommend my dating vows are all listed below okay and please if you found value in this video please hit that like button please share this video please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell as well and I'm going to wrap up this videos I always do first off give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrett of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear a pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it we could all use more love on our lives I want to thank Rob for being on live I want to thank the Jonathan fan for being on live I want to thank Sharon and Matilda and Catherine and Artie and arena and Gloria and Rachel and lighthouse and beach lover and everybody who donated today and Catherine and Rhonda or Kathy and Betty and Jane Spitfire and Billy Holt was in the house and power of Chi and Julia Ford and Jennifer Elia thanks everyone big hugs to you all have a wonderful fat weekend take care bye now