 So let's talk about when men start missing you, when this one critical thing happens, and I think this will be a very valuable bit of information for everyone today. So what is missing, missing somebody? I think missing can be, I'm not saying it's always this case, but missing can be a reflection of care when two people are apart, meaning that you are apart from this person, you care for them, and you wish to be in their presence. But sadly, I think missing today is more often a fear of abandonment, a fear that this person will not return, the fear that this person will replace you, and that's what missing feels like when we're apart from another human being. Now what's interesting in the dating marketplace, there is a lot of advice out there that is designed to trigger that unhealthy wound of fear of abandonment, fear of loss, fear of replacement. For example, the book, The Rules. It's a game-playing book. Wait for hours to return a text. Make them wait could be some of the few suggestions in that book to trigger an anxious or fear-based way of being attached to someone. Now there's, of course, in the pickup artist community, this is for men, there are psychological games being played to create that anxiety. There's something called negging, which is a neuro-linguistic programming type of technique to create fear within a person, to create anxiety, to create that missing. It's fascinating how psychology will oftentimes, well, people will use psychological tricks to trigger the unhealthy aspects of an individual. And so it's no wonder. It's such a mess in the dating marketplace right now, especially with advice, like I suggested the book, The Rules and so much other advice out there that is designed to trigger the vulnerable parts of who we are as human beings. Now I wanna share with you, I have some theories as to why this happens at a base level, and these are merely my theories. And that goes back to all the way to cave period, caveman period of time, okay? By the way, it just sounds awkward to say cave people, the same, maybe it's easier to say cave men, cave women period of time, but it used to be most of the time they lived in small tribes. I'm guessing 20 or 30 people. And traditionally the men went out on the hunt to catch the buffalo or protect against the dinosaur. And during that period of time, the men and women were apart from one another. And I think it's quite possible then again, this is just my supposition, if you will, that women feared the men would not return because they'd be killed on the hunt. So they had this instinctual, I think over millions of years, this instinct of abandonment probably has been transposed in your DNA, in your coding, if you will. I recently did a video about our coding now we all have coding as to who we are. And I think some of those base level fears are a reflection of this aspect of abandonment. The fear of them not returning. So it's no wonder it's rather confusing today because we don't necessarily go out on the hunt when two people are in the dating and mating process. I don't think you're going to depart from a first date and feel as though that this person is going to die in the hunt, okay? I don't suspect that we on a psychological level do that. But I do believe that we have this instinctual, territorial aspects of ourselves, the minute we bond with another human being, the minute we begin feeling a level of attraction or attachment. Now, did you know, as I said, attachment. See, many people don't understand love attachment. And I'm going to invite everyone to read two books, actually three books. All the books I recommend are listed below in the books. Jonathan recommend books. I talk about this frequently. I talk about the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. I talk about the book, Getting the Love You Want by Harbell Hendricks and Helen Hunt. And I definitely want to talk about Dr. Stan Kitakin's book, Wired for Love. We had him on the channel. He talked about this. But if you're not familiar with love attachment style, this is where we attach oftentimes in an unhealthy way to another human being. And in this unhealthy way, the minute two people are apart, we feel this sense of longing, we feel this sense of missing almost at an anxious level, almost at that fear-based level that they're not, they're going to leave you or replace you. See, that's the trigger that happens when we are, I believe that missing has more to do with the fear of loss, the fear of replacement. And given that we are connected through our devices at almost that incessant levels, we are constantly connected that even when we're a moment apart, it can trigger fear, it can trigger loss, it can trigger the fear of replacement. And so even though this title says make men start missing you when this one critical thing happens, I want to replace the word missing with a more powerful word that I think has more value, but you wouldn't have clicked on it if I'd actually used this word. See, what saddens me today is I witnessed so many relationships that don't have some fundamentals from the very beginning. And it's no wonder they're going to implode later on down the road. And one of those fundamentals relates to the three types of people actively dating today. Okay, now by the way, you can notice right here, I say this is not a fact, it's merely an opinion, but roughly I say 20% of the single population out there in the dating marketplace are what I call users. These are the people that seek short-term game. They're the love bombers, the players, the gold diggers, the entitled people, selfish people, only caring about themselves. And I say that's roughly 20%, again, that's just a guess. And while way over on the other end, I say 20% of people are grower builders. These are people that have a long-term commitment. They have their act together, they're emotionally mature. I'm probably being generous when I say 20%. And ladies that are watching, this is an equal percentage for men and women alike. This isn't singular to women, okay? And I roughly believe 60% of the population are what I call spenders. They seek companionship, they seek connection, they seek coupling, but they have dysfunction in their life and they're unable to fully commit to another human being. So why I'm sharing this with everyone is that we have a significant percentage of the population that is emotionally anorexic at best. I mean, we have a population of human beings, myself included, I'm not here to profess that I am an emotionally healthy person. I am riddled with insecurities. I am riddled with flaws. Riddled is probably kind of a strong word, but I certainly have my fair share of stuff. I'm not a perfect human being. I don't profess to be. See, the interesting aspect of dating today is everybody thinks they're the exception and not the rule. Let me repeat that. Most human beings are in a delusion that they are, the exception, meaning that they are emotionally healthy and everybody else is the problem. Men point the finger at women, women point the finger at men. It's actually a gender game. I see this frequently. Anytime I see comments on my YouTube channel, there is this abashing of men by the women since most of my audience is women. Instead of taking ownership on their own part, when you can take 100% ownership of all of your experiences and guess, I mean, I understand that there are going to be circumstances where things are outside of your control, but you certainly have the power to choose how you want to view things in life. Do you want to view it as a victim or do you want to be in victor consciousness? See, sadly here in the United States, we are swimming in the sea of victim consciousness. We are suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself instead of feeling good about myself, allowing me to give you love and hopefully it's a reciprocal exchange of energy between two people. Because I said before, instead of missing, I think what's truly the critical thing that must happen. Well, this isn't the critical thing. Let me just reframe that. Instead of missing, I want to replace the word with appreciation. Men start appreciating you when this one critical thing happens. Everybody listen to that one more time. Men and women start missing you when you're appreciating you when this one critical thing happens. You know, it's interesting, I recently wrote a meme. I want to share it with everyone. It's going to be published on my Instagram soon. So bear with me for a second. I just want to find this, but it's a quote. And the quote goes like this. Oh shoot, I guess I deleted it. Well, gosh, I mean, I replaced it. So the quote goes something like this. The best relationships are when the other person feels like they got the better end of the deal. Let me repeat that. The other person feels as though they got the better end of the deal. When two people can be in such gratitude for one another, they can be in such gratitude for one another, genuinely grateful that this other person is in your life. That's the one critical thing that needs to happen to feel appreciated when you're in such gratitude. And sadly, so few couples reach this state of genuine mutual gratitude for one another. It saddens me to say that because the reality is as most people are experiencing some level of transactional type relationship. You're giving me a little bit of companionship. You're giving me a little bit of connection. You're giving me a little bit of sex. Each person is, this is the exchange without any real understanding of the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. This is one of the reasons why you might want to read the book by John Gottman, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. I want you to take out the word marriage and replace it with relationship. These are great foundational principles to understand the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. And when you can understand the real deep roots that are necessary to sustain a healthy relationship, if you go in with this consciousness instead of this ambivalent way most humans are dating today, there is this absolute negativity and ambivalence and ignorance and arrogance for so many people. And then you have to wonder, you only have yourself to blame if all you do is whine and complain. See, when you understand things you can actually go in with a more conscious approach into the dating marketplace. And it's so fascinates me. I mean, women come to me all the time. Jonathan, I know what I want. I know what I want. I know what I want in a relationship. And then they go through this proprietary coaching program I created. And can you guess what they say every single time? Holy cow. I had no idea I was this naive. By the way, there's a link right here to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. There's a link below. And it's amazing the minute women make an investment and understanding this, I get calls each week from clients. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy and they know the difference. They're actually attracting a higher caliber men because, A, they understand their standard. Now, standard is really a reflection of that they understand that character is the most critical component in a relationship. It's not about how tall they are, how much money they have, how they look. Those are certain factors in attraction, but real standards is a reflection of someone's character. Most importantly, their character with respects to commitment. Are they committed to wanting to be in commitment? That's a critically important piece. And yet sadly, so few couples get to this place of gratitude towards one another because they don't understand the mechanics of the healthy, happy relationship. So I'm gonna give you a tiny little formula to post in the back of your mind for a moment. What's it take to be grateful towards another human being? And I think friendship is the highest form of gratitude within a relationship, a romantic relationship. When you're genuinely friends with one another, when you genuinely enjoy spending time with one another, you can build the deep roots of trust through social activities, through hobbies, through mutual interest, to spending time with family and friends, to traveling together, to teamwork building skills, both in your personal and your professional life, and certainly intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy. All of those are, it's like roots to a tree that deeper you sustain those or strengthen those roots, the stronger the relationship is. I want you to imagine a tree without roots. What's gonna happen in a hurricane wind? It's gonna blow right over. It's no wonder that 90% of casual relationships never make it to something more substantial. I want you to think about that for a moment. If we roughly have a 56% divorce rate, and that includes first, second and third marriages, and actually I believe that number is even higher than 56%. As James Sexton says, marriage is a failing, it's a weak technology. But if the numbers are that high for marriage, casual relationships have a much higher failure rate. Situationships have a much higher failure rate. Friends with benefits has a much higher failure rate. I'm here to espouse, if you want to put the odds forever in your favor, first, do the inner work. I talk about this in my book, what the heck is self-love anyway, a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. Link below to get the book I recommend, my books, and all the books I recommend. First, do the inner work. Then understanding mechanics, you now put the odds in your favor so you don't have to be in that 90% failure rate. Maybe you get to like a 75% failure rate. Rather, did you ever see the movie Dumb and Dumber? He's Jim Carrey says to Lauren Holly, like what's my chances with you? And she goes one in a million. And he says, so you're saying I have a chance, right? Well, we have a greater chance of success when we do the work. And I'm not trying to sound like a defeatist, but I'm not gonna blow fucking smoke up your ass and make it sound like, oh, it's just you have to follow my formula and you're just gonna magically attract the person of your dreams. That's just, by the way, any dating coach that says that their system is the best and it works, they're full of shit. Because human behavior is so fucking complicated. And there are so many moving parts to a successful relationship, like all the game playing temporarily works. The book, the rules temporarily works. Yes, temporarily for like a nanosecond. But remember, most humans aren't experiencing a juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship. But I wanna put the odds in your favor and this is why I speak at the top of my lungs why I scream often at the camera. Because I wanna encourage everyone to do the sole work of healing on the inside. And by the way, remember I talked about cave people? We have generational stuff we have to clean up as well. I was watching a Netflix episode the other day called Another Self, Another Self. Someone write that in the chat box, Another Self on Netflix. It's actually a Turkish production and many of you know my heritage is Turkish. My parents are both from Istanbul, Turkey. And it's a fascinating story about healing generational trauma. And so it doesn't just start with our own work. It's also a book going back in time and healing at every possible level to put you, as I said earlier, the odds forever in your favor. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating with you? Please let me know. Just as a reminder, gratitude is that one critical thing that must happen for men and women to start to appreciate you because that is more powerful than missing you. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. If it is, post a comment below. I do my best to read them all in the first 24 hours. As always, if you find value in this video please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell as well so you can be notified of new videos. And if you'd like to connect with me, hey, schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you. The link's in the description. You can join my group called Midlife Love Mastery where you can have direct access to me. You can follow me on Instagram. You can get the books I recommend. You can get my dating vows. You can join my membership group here on YouTube as well, all of the links below. All right, so, well, okay, those who not follow my format know if you have a question, write the word question, then post the question there after. Or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there with his brother, Colin. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the monies from that go to, we donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute and Scholarships for Coaching as well. And Anita has just given us a $5 Super Sticker. Our goal tonight is $50. So now our goal tonight is $45. Thanks to Anita for that $5 Super Sticker. All right, one of our Facebook group members has just written in the question. Is it bad to message a man a lot without him replying back to each message? Then sometimes he messages me but I don't mention the messages. Why does he not answer? But he told me once when I mentioned the message, no worries. Okay, so coming back to, see, we are in an unusual time today. This relates back to that whole aspect of triggering our fear. You see, because we don't, most relationships today are casual relationships. So there isn't that deep of a root. There isn't that deep of a bond. Which, and for the most part, the average relationship has somewhere between 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100, or even thousands of miles of distance. So the person is not in your orbit on a regular basis. So what keeps us connected are these devices. What keeps us connected are these devices. But this is an electronic tether. It's not an actual physical tether where you're physically seeing a person. Hence why we have the need for constant communication so we can feel safe. Most likely you are feeling a sense of insecurity but this insecurity isn't the amount of communication the two of you are having in between times seeing each other. Most likely this insecurity, and I'm using the term insecurity. I'm not suggesting that I'm hypothesizing here is because most likely you do not have a solid committed relationship between the two of you. And because it's not a solid committed relationship, most likely you haven't done my dating vows with him. Folks, there's a link below to get a copy of my dating vows. I'm gonna read this to everyone. It's called get him to commit before sleeping together, called the dating vows. Have you ever heard the saying women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment? The dating vow is an agreement two people make to one another. Again, link below in the description. And it goes like this. I, you put in your name, agree to explore the process to get to know you with the intent to declare something serious in the next three to six months. I agree to be monogamous sexually while we're having regular sex together. I agree to not actively seek to meet and date others while we're in the process, while we're in the dating process, including taking down my dating profile. I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus ghosting, pulling away or disappearing. I agree to invest regular time in the process to getting to know you, which looks like spending three or four days a night a week together, doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal, our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together, getting married. By the way, that's not in the dating vows. That's just my version of what it looks like. Now 90% of men will most likely bail on this because there are thousands of women who will have sex without any commitment or agreement whatsoever. If all women band together going forward, this will change how men treat and view sex. But in the meantime, if he does agree to this, you have a better chance of commitment than without it. Okay. So coming back to your question, I think it's important to express what need is coming up for you. But I think more importantly, I think it's probably best to describe what does commitment and trust mean to the two of you. If you haven't read the first chapter of the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman, I highly recommend reading this. Read the chapter on trust and commitment. This is more important than how often you text each other. Although it's incorporated in that conversation, I highly recommend doing this. Folks, but Jonathan, you're making me read books. Why don't you just give me the answer in five minutes? Folks, if you're not willing to invest hours upon hours upon hours upon hours of time in your personal development, then what's the definition of insanity? Join the same thing over again, expecting different results? I mean, that's what's needed. If you want to improve, one must learn new things. I know I'm sounding parental right now, but sometimes you all need a little kick in the ass. Hence why my channel was invented. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Thank you for that question, I really appreciate it. By the way, if anyone wants to join me live right now, you can join the hot seed by clicking the link I just posted right there. I would love to have someone on live. I promise that I won't be too hard on you. I promise to be loving. Hey, Margaret is in the house. You know, Margaret has just given us a $15 Super Sticker. She is one of, I gotta tell ya, I gotta give her some props right here. She is kind, every single video that she's on, she donates. And I really appreciate that effort. I want you to know something. I know this is a free service, you know, YouTube or whatnot. And sometimes you gotta watch a commercial or two. I apologize for that. Well, actually I don't because that's how this platform keeps us creators on here. But I want to acknowledge those of you that really go out of the way. I notice you, Margaret, and I wanna give you big, gigantic Johnathan bear hug of appreciation. And right now our goal is 30 more, wait, 30 more dollars for the rest of the evening. Wait a minute, is that right? 30 more dollars, okay? All right, let's see what we got here. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Gigi said, I was chatting with a guy and we talked about chemistry versus compatibility. I gave him the J.A. definition. He said that he would have saved him three failed marriages if he knew. I sent him a J.A. Jonathan Asley video for men. Yay, Gigi, thank you so much. Yes, we have a men's channel right now. I'm trying to get that off the ground, but I'm a little bit lazy. So I need a push from you all. BodyElectric says, I agree, Jonathan, women should hold their treasures, but some women are afraid to demonstrate self-love. Those women are seeking validation. Yes, it's not about demonstrating self-love. It's about really taking your own inventory of your own self-worth. It's kind of the way I look at that. But thank you so much. Let's keep going. Oh, here's a question for Monica. How long should a man go without seeing you before you start to think he's not interested? Consider busy lives and children. I think what's most important for you, Monica, is decide what type of relationship you're looking for. For example, it's interesting. For those of you who know, I am back in the dating marketplace since my relationship ended back in July. So I guess it's been nine months. I have not gone on a first date with anyone. One of the things I do is I ask some really deep questions right from the get-go to see if there's compatibility. One happens to be what a person's lifestyle is like because I would prefer to spend... I prefer to have a relationship where we spend on average three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy. That's the kind of relationship I'm looking for. Do I expect it on the first, second, or third date? Absolutely not. But the minute we agree to be in a relationship with someone, which I would hope happens within 10 dates, I would think within 10 dates, two people should know whether or not they want to explore a relationship. Well, that's the level of a relationship I'm looking for. But Jonathan, that's just way too much time. I can't give a man that much time in a relationship. I get that. A lot of you can't. But what's the fucking point? I mean, otherwise you just have a part-time relationship and within part-time relationships, you're not gonna build enough of the deep roots of trust in a relationship. So then this question is how long should you wait? Well, I guess I'm gonna, Monica, I'm gonna guess you probably have distance between the two of you. You already have busy lives. So what you most likely have is a casual relationship and actually these days most of you women find yourself in what's called a strung out version. Dating is just a strung out version of friends with benefits. Because you're not talking seriously about serious things, about living together, about commingling lives together. So how long should a man go without seeing you? How long do you wanna go without seeing a man? I just said, I don't wanna be, so I told you I'm vetting women to see if they can fit into the lifestyle I seek. By the way, I'm gonna pause for a second and go on a rant here for a second. Ladies, in the last month, I've had four women reach out to me, right? Now I probably on average get two to three or four messages on dating apps and dating sites, on average, okay? I'm blessed that I get a fair amount, okay? Most of the time it's, hi, how's your day going? How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. Like that's the extent of it, hi, how's your day? Okay, but then every once in a while, a woman will write a well thought out message to me, a well thought out message that actually has some depth to it. I've had four on the dating apps in the last month. And you know what fascinates me? Four stick to my mind. I wrote them back, zero response, zero response. Now maybe it's what I wrote back, but I would think that when a woman sends out an intelligent message and a human being, I'd like to think I wrote an intelligent message back that it would warrant at least an acknowledgement. By point bringing this up, as you ladies are so fucking critical of men, I'm gonna tell you, you women are no picnic either. You act like men are the problem. Ladies and gentlemen who are watching this video right now, human beings are dysfunctional. It's not relegated to a penis or a vagina. Okay, so as far as how long you should man wait, how long do you wanna wait, Monica? That's the most important question and then make requests based on that standard for yours. Julie's in the house, question, how do I not make myself look clingy? You know, I think when you're in the presence of someone and they're not really engaging with you and acknowledging you, then it kind of can trigger neediness, okay? When you're not in the presence of someone, that will absolutely trigger it based on what I talked about earlier in this broadcast. One is to recognize that no matter what happens in this relationship, you're gonna be okay. That's the first and foremost thing you have to recognize. Number two is talk about it with him. Say, look, I have a needy propensity. Could even be a turnoff, okay? I'm feeling needy because I don't feel secure in this relationship. What can we do if you genuinely wanna build a relationship with me? What can we do to build the deep roots of trust for both of us to feel secure in this relationship? I highly recommend, by the way, I highly recommend reading the book, Julie Wired for Love by Dr. Stan Takin. This will give you a lot of understanding of what's going on for you. I invite you both to read the book. By the way, folks, I invite every couple going forward. Every one of you that's in a relationship right now to actually incorporate couples therapy on a once a month or once every other month basis. I think that would be, I have every intent to do that in any future relationship I'm in. I think having a counselor, a coach, somebody that can help navigate sometimes the awkward communication with one another, I think builds deep roots of trust when two people can agree to it. But Jonathan, I'm with a guy who says he'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever go to therapy. Folks, we gotta recognize we are swimming in a sea of emotional dysfunctionality and people that aren't willing to work on themselves, are they really, do you wanna invest years? You know, the average woman invests five and a half years in a dysfunctional relationship and then they blame the guy for everything. Instead of taking ownership and making changes right from the very get-go, I keep harping on this over and over. So if you watch my channel, you have no excuse. Jonathan, you're so critical of women. I'm critical of both genders. I truly believe, look it, I believe majority of human beings are fucked up. It's just a matter of degrees, okay? And yet, I still feel like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber. So you're saying I have a chance. I believe in the golden ticket from Willy Wonka. I do believe that. I hold that vision. I hold that space. And I'm inviting everyone to hold that space. And while a broken clock is only right twice a day, I hold that space for you all. God, universe, spirit, I invite everyone who is watching this broadcast right now. I'm inviting in a juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship where the chemistry between the two of them is off the charts and the communication and the banter can go on for hours and hours of time and they're capable of resolving conflicts and differences with ease and their lifestyles blend and mesh with one another with such ease and they share the same values with one another and they can build the deep roots of trust that can sustain the relationship. God, universe, spirit, I invite that for everyone who's watching and myself included. Can I get an amen? Ha, ha, ha, ha. Thank you. Mel Stiller says, how self-love is sadly mistaken by selfishness. Yeah, sometimes, I agree. By the way, Monica, I just wanna say how do you make yourself not clingy? It requires self-discipline. To be mindful of your, I didn't say this earlier, but to be mindful of your actions and be mindful and learn how to regulate your emotions. And again, as I said earlier, have deeper conversations with your partner, okay? Oh, and you went on to say thank you. You're very welcome. Jonathan, how do women react to your questions? You know what's interesting? So I wanna tell you a story that happened a couple of weeks back. So I had this woman who, I shared this before on a video. So it was on a dating app called Millionaire Match. And by the way, if you are a paid member, you can see who viewed you. So I looked at her, she looked at me. I looked at her, she looked at me. I looked at her, she looked at me. I looked at her, she looked at me. I looked at her, she looked at me. We had probably collectively 13 times we viewed each other's profile. Now, I was holding out because I saw some differences between the two of us. And so I saw some differences between the two of us and I chose to hold off writing her. But I finally did write her. And I said, hey, we've both been looking at each other and I noticed that there are some differences between the two of us. And I listed those differences, differences in politics, difference in religion, difference in lifestyle. So I addressed those. One hour, I sent the message, one hour goes by nothing, two hours go by, 10 hours go by, 12 hours go by, two days go by, three weeks go by, four weeks go by before I heard back from her. And she said to me, your message intimidated me. But then I thought about it and it thought to myself, you're a rather serious person. I mean, let me reframe that. She said, it seems to me you are genuinely serious about finding a relationship. So I thought, would you be open to a telephone call to discussing it? Do you hear what she said? It intimidated her at first, but she said she saw the value in it. In fact, she wrote me later to say it opened her eyes to understanding the dating process better for her. We ended up having a 30 minute phone call. I felt a misalignment with her, so I didn't wanna pursue it. But she then wrote me again and said, wow, I really appreciate you open my mind. So here's the thing, I'm not looking for a woman who's easily intimidated by being pragmatic, by being intentional, by being authentic, by being transparent. If a woman is intimidated by that, she's not my woman. I'm attracted to a pragmatic, intentional, well-thought-out person that when I say well-thought-out that can view this beyond the surface. By the way, I know it's not sexier romantic, but sexier romantic should be reserved for two people in relationship, not as a way to get into a relationship. That's my point of view and I'm sticking to it. So anyways, how do they react? It doesn't matter. The right woman will react. By the way, coming back to my book, what the heck is self-love anyway? Chapter nine. Here, let's go to chapter nine. If it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. If it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. All right, hey, we've got John in the house. Hello, hello. So I just wanted to check back in with you. I was on about four months ago and you gave me some marching orders and I wanted to report back with, I have now read the book entirely. Oh, well, I'm honored. Thank you for that. If I can do a little plug for it, folks, if you've got a negative voice inside- Is there a leafelode inside a copy of my book? Yeah, if you have a negative voice inside your head saying you're not pretty enough or you're not wealthy enough or whatever, this book can help to change that voice inside your head. And one of the things it had was to work on improving yourself daily. So I've been, that's one of the things I've really been trying to do. John, refresh my memory and I apologize if I'm making a mistake. Are you in a relationship with a woman overseas? No, so- Okay, then it's a different person. I forgot- That's a different person. There was a gentleman on and I just can't remember. Okay, so give everybody your backstory, okay? So my girlfriend of four years passed last March. It was one year anniversary on March 11th. So it's been a year and I've been looking to get back out in there. And you told me two things that when you said it, I didn't think it rang true but then I thought, yeah, he is right after all and which brings me to a question I'd like to ask you, a personal question that I think would benefit a lot of people on the call. So one thing you said was, I think you're ready to date which I didn't think I was, but I think I'm there. And then the other thing you said was but I don't think you're ready to be vulnerable. And if I'm vulnerable to somebody and I get smacked for it, my reaction is okay, well, I learned not to do that again but somehow you are able to be vulnerable with us multiple times a week. You get a comment that is either malicious or innocent and I can see it when it shuts you down and you take it in a bad way. And somehow you don't learn that lesson and you are somehow vulnerable on the very next video that you do. So my question is how after you've been slapped for being vulnerable and how are you able to continue to be vulnerable even though you've kind of been taught a lesson, oh, I'm gonna throw that in your face if you're gonna share that with me. Okay, interesting question. Well, first off, thank you. So how am I capable of being as vulnerable as I am? Is that kind of the question? Okay. So, well, let me be clear for everyone since this is a personal question. I wasn't always this way. I was a fucking jackass when I was younger. I was very self-centric in my view of the world. I wasn't as empathetic as I am today. I wasn't as gracious or generous because I grew up with programming like most of us who are baby boomers or Gen Xers is go to college, get a job, meet a girl, get married, buy a house, start a family. Like that was the programming I had. And for the most part, I followed my father's script of your role as to be a provider protector. So I concentrated that and I had little or no interpersonal skills. Okay, little or no interpersonal skills. I really didn't have good communication skills. And so I hyper-focused on just being the provider protector and I was very myopic in that way. And because my job was in sales, I got to socialize a lot, which meant I got to drink and play golf a lot and all I cared about was drinking and playing, networking and playing golf and I wasn't a really good husband, okay? So why I'm bringing that backstory to play because this actually a lot of men can relate to what I'm about to say is when I went through a divorce, it was right at the time I'd lost my high-end corporate job and it was also the market crash of 2008, 2009. So I got wiped out, I got humbled. And for many people, a dramatic humbling event can cause them to withdraw to drugs and alcohol, which I did. I actually did a shitload of, I was self-medicating every day to just get through the day and I had no purpose going on in my life. And so during that time and online dating was my drug of choice. It was actually one of the drugs that I used to connect with people. But what was fascinating, what was interesting in those hours and hours upon hours of conversation with women, listening to them share their stories about relationships. And again, this was my drug of choice. I didn't realize that I was actually through osmosis preparing myself for the profession I'm in today. So within that a lot of that communication and believe me, I had telephone calls one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. I had an eight hour telephone call one night. It started at 8 p.m. We didn't finish till four in the morning. Wow. And through this habitual practice of sharing our experiences, it began a process of opening up to being vulnerable. Now, it's interesting because in many cases, I was sharing secrets. And when I say secrets, things that were personal to me that I wouldn't want others to know about. And sometimes those secrets got out. And so coming back to that same, like getting a negative comment from somebody that's criticizing me as they do on the channel that happens, I'm like, damn, I wore too much of my heart on my sleeve, so to speak. And I beat myself up. I can self-crucify myself, like nobody's business. I mean, I have a capacity to drive those nails in my hand and those nails in my feet. And yet each day is a new day. So as I share this with you, I, years ago, I began with a group of people doing kind of group therapy. And within group therapy, you're listening to other people share from a vulnerable place. And then you have the opportunity to share from a vulnerable place. And what happened over time when I was quiet in the beginning listening to others and then it was my turn to share, I felt this cathartic relief by sharing what was going on inside of me. I felt this tremendous amount of weight being lifted from my shoulders. So now I'm a junkie for the group. I, as a matter of fact, my men's group is getting together next week, next weekend. And it's gonna be 12 guys and it's an all day, all night event. It's very, it's like group therapy meets cocktail party meets pajama party. And it's gonna be on a yacht. So I have a friend that has a 65 foot boat. It's not that fancy, by the way, it's an old 1966 Chris Kraft. So it's not, it's not a Jeff Bezos type of yacht, but it's still quite beautiful. And in that, I look forward to those experiences. So I think like anything, vulnerability is a muscle, it's a muscle. It requires practice. One of the reasons why I'm so repetitive on my channel, why I repeat myself over and over and over and over and over and over and over again is just like that old saying, how do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice. So when we practice these skills repetitively, they begin to sink in. So now it's just a much part of my lexicon of who I am as a person, my ability, if you will, to share from this place. And believe me, again, I can get bitten in the butt by it. But I think when a person has the capacity, by the way, vulnerability doesn't represent weakness, okay? I believe that authenticity, transparency, and vulnerability is actually the most courageous thing a human being can do. I mean, sure, if I could take down a mugger the way a Navy SEAL could, I'd be fucking like a true man. I'm a true man because I can take down that mugger, okay? That's about to, it's like that scene in Crocodile Dundee where the guy was gonna mug him with a tiny little knife and he pulls out that big gigantic knife and he goes, that's not a knife, this is a knife. What do you do? Look it, I don't have that skill set. I'm fucked. Ladies, if we're on a date and a mugger comes up to us, I might pull out the old George Carlin line, do what you want to the girl, but leave me alone. I'm just kidding, but I'm fucked. But we're fucked, okay? I'm just gonna own it. I am not, very few male human beings actually know how to fight their way out of a paper bag, okay? I'm not saying there aren't any, but it's most people don't know that skill. But I have a skill that very few people have and that's capacity to speak from the heart. And that took practice, practice and practice. So the cathartic part of it is the reward you get from the cathartic part of it exceeds the bad you get from the people saying mean things about it. Yeah, I mean, this isn't to sound arrogant, but I mean, I get 99 out of 100 comments I get are very favorable. So I have to, a friend of mine said, you're not as good as your great press and you're not as bad as your worst press kind of thing. And I have to remember that it's an uplifting when people are favorable to my comments, but it's also, it's just a recognition that even, well, the other thing is though, John, is that oftentimes I understand human behavior of to know that most the time a negative comment is a projection by another human being. And I wanna recommend the book, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. And I'm just gonna pull this out for everyone because this is really a reflection of one of the agreements. So the first agreement is be impeccable with your word. Okay, I stick my foot, my mouth so often that while I try to be impeccable with my word, I can also eat my word sometimes, but sometimes I make just generalized faux pas, but I do my best that it's coming from a place of integrity. So I follow the first agreement. The second agreement is don't take anything personally. Well, John, I'll be candid with you. You see this skin right here? It's the thinnest fucking skin on the planet. I mean, it is just like cellophane. So I mean, it's a muscle I have to build. It's a muscle I have to build is not taking anything personally. Number three, don't make assumptions. Well, you see, and number four, always do your best. I recognize that a lot of the comments from somebody who's criticizing me is a projection. So this understanding, when I understand that most of the time somebody is a hurt person, there's a saying, hurt people hurt other people. So when people are trying to hurt me, it's cause they're a hurt person. So I recognize that most likely somebody is projecting their stuff out on me. So then the trick is, is to actually shift to compassion. Now, believe me, when someone's attacked me, I mean, the fucking, the tiger comes, the venom comes out of me, I should say. And I can be like, fuck you. Now I say this in my head. I don't actually articulate it. Mainly because I learned the old adage, it's better to praise in public than to criticize or then to criticize in public or praise in public, criticize in private. Okay? So I might curse them in the moment. And then I'm like, oh my God, my self love comes out and says, dude, just be compassionate. This person is most likely hurting. And I'm not great at it, John. I'll tell you, I mean, I can own that I'm not great at it. Like anything, it's a muscle that I'm still working on. So I think that answers your question there. What else you got for me? So your advice to those of us who are having trouble opening up is to just do it. And if you get knocked down for it, just keep doing it. Yeah. You know, a friend of mine is a dating coach for men, mostly younger men. He specializes in that 18 to 35 year old category, mostly men who have anxiety meeting women. And one of the things that he does is that they have to each day approach 10, 20, 30, 40 strangers each day. That's what he did. He did this six nights a week for two years. He approached women six nights a week. Every six nights a week for two years to build that muscle. Now he can, I mean, he's now married and he just had his first baby. I'm so happy. I was the officiant to at his wedding, my dear friend, Max. But, you know, after two years of that, I mean, like walking up to a strange woman is like nothing for him. And not that he did it in a sleazy way. He didn't do it in an Andrew Tate kind of way. Someone posted a comment about Andrew Tate. So that's why I'm bringing this up. So, but it's like a muscle. And actually online dating was part of that process is learning how to, like again, when I was communicating with women and speaking them on the phone, I mean, sometimes I was communicating with women hundreds, if not thousands of miles away. So there was no dating involved, but there was a lot of practice in communicating. Actually, go to 12 step programs, go to an AA meeting. You know, like, I mean, listen to other people share. You know, there's a scene in Fight Club where, oh God, what's the, there's Brad Pitt and who's the other guy? Ed Norton, Ed Norton was addicted. It was addicted to all of these self-help group meetings, you know, but now he was always silent but he was getting off on listening to other people speak. So I think there's some value into listening to others perspective. Okay. Well, thanks. What, one last thing, can I, can I have your hair? So I want to tell you, since you mentioned that, and I recognize that my mother and father blessed me with two of the most important qualities, men, women seek in men. I'm six foot two and have a full head of hair and I don't color my hair and I'm over 55. So I do have a little bit right here of gray just starting to come in. My chest hair has tons of gray. I recognize it's a blessing and it's so funny because my sons once said to me, like, and they were in their early teenage years, they go, dad, you have the hair of the gods, you know? And I mean, I got blessed with that. My heritage is Turkish, which is, but my grandfather is my grandfather on my father's side, bald as a cue ball. My cousin is bald as a cue ball. My step, or my, my uncle bald as a cue ball. My cousin bald as a cue ball. Thankfully, I didn't get that gene. So anyway, no, I wish I could transplant it for you. If you want to come here and borrow a few and transplant it in a minute, I'd be more than happy to share that with you. Well, that'd be great. Well, John, I really appreciate your vulnerability. Is there something, before we wrap up, is there one bit of advice I can give for you? I mean, that I could help you with right now. So I am, everybody I speak with about the dating apps who's been on them say they're just awful. And I'm just, I don't think I'm gonna do them. I'm gonna meet them, meet somebody the old fashioned way. I do a lot of swing dancing. So the last four significant relationships I've had, I've met through, it's like she's cute and she can dance. And that's kind of the, so I think I'll do that. But if you have a way to get into the dating apps, that I just, I don't think I'm gonna do that. Well, okay, so a couple of things. First off, I wanna address the dating apps. There's a high probability your profile is just a piece of shit, okay? Please forgive me, this is my style of communicating, but 99 out of 100 profiles I look at are so poorly curated that it's, that's part of the problem. In fact, here, in fact, I wanna read you something, how coincidental that you brought this up, okay? I wanna read you something, okay? Today's post on my Instagram, quote. Can you see that says, which is the best dating app? All of them, the problem isn't the apps, the problem is the people using them. And so I wanna read you the post. Let's travel back 100 years ago. Most humans began relationships by meeting people in their orbit, which is another way of saying organically. In addition, there was usually no or one degree of separation, meaning people mated within their proximity, cultural or social economic tribes. By connecting with people who most likely shared each other's values, lifestyle, and emotional maturity, these relationships, which often quickly turned into marriage seem to be the ones that genuinely went to till death do us part. Fast forward today, the small world we used to live in has been replaced with the ability to connect with almost anyone anywhere. Dating instead of courting has become the prominent form of connecting, meaning one can test drive a person before making a lifelong commitment. Because of this test drive, there is no sense of scarcity when choosing because now we have a false sense of abundance. And here's the rub, humans today act very ambivalent or entitled when it comes to most important decision a person will ever make, who to mate with. This is especially true for those who use dating apps and apathy among people is so rampant that it's easier to blame the tool than the operator. There's an old saying, garbage in, garbage out. And sadly, sadly, the garbage is not the people using the apps, it's the effort those people make. So with that said, you don't need the dating apps, John, you are doing swing dancing. That is by far the best place for you to meet a mate. And you just have to do one thing before you leave your house. You have to do what, well, more than one thing, but this one critical component will change everything. Okay. Be a well, a sharp dressed man. Be a fucking sharp dressed man. You wear a sport coat, you wear a nice collared button down shirt. You wear a nice pair of slacks. You put on a little bit of cologne. You shine up that hair of yours. You buff that forehead a little bit to take out the shine. But you go out as a sharp dressed man. You will be more noticed because I'm gonna tell you something just like a sharp dressed woman, a sharp dressed man. I gotta tell you, you don't need a thick head of hair. Look at Jeff Bezos. Now, mind you, he's rich, but you know what? He's just like you. Okay. Now, mind you, he's rich. I get it. But you know what? There are plenty of guys, Bruce Willis and a lot of others. And I tell you, when they're dressing sharp, you become a magnetic magnet for what you want. And also you've read my book. So you already love yourself or at least you're in the practice of loving yourself. That's the main thing you need to be doing. Just go out there with a great attitude, look sharp and report back to us in a few months and let us know about your new girlfriend. Okay. I sure will. I'll take it up a notch in the clothing department. All right. All right, buddy. Well, listen, we really appreciate you being on. I'm just gonna reach into the camera and give you a big hug of appreciation. Thanks so much. All right. Thank you. All right. Well, you know, I'm so grateful that John came on to share his curiosity about vulnerability. I think, you know, I really commend him for putting that out there and wanting to learn how to be vulnerable. Men struggle with being vulnerable. Men, we men have been taught to be stoic, to stop our feelings, to keep it all in. And as I said before, I was very much a jackass in my younger years. As I've evolved, I recognize that vulnerability is like, is a muscle that requires some work. And just like what I shared with John, doing group therapy is a great way to listen to other people be vulnerable, but then invites and vulnerability for oneself as well. So big hugs of appreciation for John. Thank you so much for sharing that. Hey, if you have your some thoughts on what we just discussed, please post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. If you liked what I shared with John, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell. Also, if you wanna connect with me after hearing what I said with John, there's links below to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. All right, let's see what else we have today. Whenette says, great talk today. Thank you. Did I put your name? I apologize. Hey, speaking of meeting out in public, believe it or not, for those of you that live in Los Angeles, a week from today, I will be hosting. So if you look at the date that this is being shot, a week from today in Playa Vista, which is next to Marina Del Rey, I'm hosting a singles mixer called Ditch the Dating Apps Meet Online or Meet Organically. I'm gonna host these on a regular basis. My hope is I'll be doing a little spiel for the first hour or so and then we'll go straight into the singles mixer. And maybe if you're in Los Angeles, it'd be great if you'd show up, okay? Hey, we're gonna take this one last question from Lisa. Lisa asks, what is the repeat the one critical thing? Okay, just as a reminder, I said instead of missing someone, I want to invite appreciation. So I wanna retitle this video. Now, men start appreciating you when this one critical thing happens. Men and women will appreciate each other when this one critical thing happens. And that is gratitude for the other person. When we're in a state of gratitude, when we are grateful that this person is alive, when two people are grateful for one another, you're in by de facto appreciation. And I think appreciation is a much stronger energy than missing someone. Missing is often a trigger of fear of loss or replacement. And I'd rather replace that with appreciation. So that is definitely the answer to the one critical thing that must happen. Folks, I wanna thank everyone that donated tonight. We had Margaret, we had, oh, another, a couple of other people that donated tonight. I really appreciate it. We had $40, our goal was $50. So if there's any chance we can get $10 more before we wrap up tonight, I would be so grateful. Hit that little dollar sign in the chat box. And if you're watching the replay this far, there's a super thanks button below as well. All right, did you find value in this video? If you did say, Jonathan, yes, I love this video. If you did, post a comment below. I do my best to read them all in the first 24 hours. As always, if you find value, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if you'd like to connect with me directly, hey, there's links below. Schedule a discovery call. Join my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Get my dating vows, which I recited earlier. Find the books I recommend and all that good stuff. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrett of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Julie and Joheka and Sunshine is in the house and Roller Girl and Holly and Terry and Mel Stiller and Stormy and Lisa and Sandy and Margaret and Michelle and Billy Lynn Holt and Monica and Pat and Rebecca and of course, John, we have to give props for having a guy in the house. Barb, Terry, Wynette, Debbie, Holly Z, power of cheese, Molly. I already might have said that. Living large coaching and anonymous. John is a handsome guy, very good energy. I know I agree, he's a nice guy. I appreciate that. And that says I like a nice tight shirt, T-shirt on a man. There you go. We don't like to show our bellies. Hey everyone, big hugs. Thanks for all the love, wishing you a super duper, wonderful, fantastic day. Take care.