 Happy almost Valentine's Day everybody! I was eating popcorn, now I have a bunch of it in my teeth, which is not the best way to start a video. Why am I eating more popcorn? I think I'm sickness. Hi there my loves! Today I'm doing a video called A Letter to My Exes. I'm going to be going in chronological order of the different major relationships I've had. I want to start with my first love, my first real major relationship. So dear ex. I was 17 years old when I met you and I had just started to become a sexually active woman at the time. I did not have a handle on my sex life or on how my body functioned and I was really confused in trying to figure it out. You came into my life at exactly that time. So as a result I made our relationship pretty early on about sex and then ended up resenting you for joining in on that. When I really think back to the time that we shared, I honestly can't remember over the you know it was a long time maybe four or five years. I can't remember much other than sexual experiences which is really sad to say because that was what really heart broke me the most about our interaction is I felt that you never found me worth more than my body. I think amongst my friends you were known as a bad person and of course we had that on and off again relationship in which a lot of the times I felt like you weren't choosing me but ultimately you were always honest and I appreciate you for that. When you didn't want a relationship you told me I didn't want a relationship and if I chose to consent in a sexual relationship just as some type of consolation prize then that's on me. That shouldn't have been you who was held accountable or held at fault when all you were was honest you know not necessarily the most fun first love but definitely a very virtuous and honest one. Moving on this is an awkward one dear ex we had a very unhealthy relationship that again was based a lot around sex similarly I was still a teenager at the time and some things happened between us that were non consensual where I still feel a bit rattled is that in my lack of confronting you on what happened between us I remained in relation to you and heard you tell more stories of things that I could tell were non consensual acts and I never called you out on it and I may have caused other women pain by refusing to be brave by not standing up to you and not pointing out your faults not only did I stop you from developing in the way that you naturally should have I could have prevented pain for others so my regret in that was not being brave enough and not being strong enough but I thank you for despite that situation for ultimately being a good friend you weren't a terrible person you had terrible instincts and maybe terrible education when it came to women and respecting women but aside from that on a sexual side you you were a good friend and I know today if I sat down and talked with you we'd probably have a really good conversation about it and so I guess this is my first step in doing so and that's what I want to say to you dear ex rolling into my 20s I miss you I miss you as a friend I miss you just as a light in my life you were awesome just a really cool fun to be around person and you taught me a really big lesson that when two become one there is no one left to connect to I made the grave mistake in our relationship of trying too hard to please and of sacrificing my individuality myself in the process and I always remember this story because it just it's one of those beautiful metaphors that just like it wasn't a metaphor it was a real thing that happened but just stood out in my life um when we were dating over the winter of I don't even know a few years ago we're dating over the winter time and I was constantly driving over to you because you didn't ever come to me because I never really held you accountable to do so so I was always driving over to you and I remember I drove over once in a snowstorm and in the snowstorm you had just bought a new car and I drove over because I wanted to see a new car with you and you were so excited and I was like I want to give you a gift and so I went into my car and I took out my snow brush and I handed it to you and you said don't you need this and I was like no no no I have two don't worry about it don't worry about it and you're like thank you and just to see the joy on your face like even though I knew it would be dangerous for me to drive home or it was dangerous the winter just see the joy on your face was like kind of enough for me and I remember things got a bit rocky between us where I wasn't hearing from you as much and a few days later you finally asked me to go to the movies and I was so excited and again it was snowing and I drove over there we went to the movies and things weren't the same and something was off and you just seemed disinterested in a way that really deeply hurt but I wasn't able to put you know mature words on that and at the end of the movie you're like it's snowing where's your car and I was like oh in the parking lot at the back you know and he was like okay I'm gonna go brush the cars off and then we can leave and so you left and I was waiting for you and I remember waiting for a long time and thinking it's taking him a while to brush the snow off and so I walked out to the parking lot and as I did I saw you using your sleeve and my heart sunk and you were like I thought you said you had two snow brushes and I was like oh I guess I thought I did and he's like why didn't you tell me because I would have given yours back to you and I was like oh I don't guess I forgot he's like as soon as we go back to my place I'm giving you back your snow brush and you did and I think that was the last time I saw you um and that was a great lesson to learn and it was a painful one but I had to learn individuality and I was so angry at you for not wanting to connect with me but ultimately I should have been a little disappointed in myself for not creating somebody worth connecting and not honoring what was valuable about me to be worked for and I gave too much and in the end I lost everything um it just obviously is not a fit but I want to say thank you just for being somebody who I did feel inspired to give a lot to and for the lessons that you taught me which when I met somebody else you know who I felt inspired to connect to I wasn't such a pushover and that was a great lesson dear ex from college hi you were such a bright awesome cool educational spot in my life you're the reason that I felt confident enough to start writing my book late um you gave me a lot of support and emotional stability at a time when I was deeply insecure unsure young woman and thank you for that I want to say sorry to you for allowing me opinions of my friends and family to sway how I felt about you I thought you were kind and cool and awesome and everybody else thought that you were all of those things but not very exciting and so a lot of people just said that I don't think use your type I don't think use your type I just don't seem as being your type and even though I felt differently about that I think I allowed their opinions to really infiltrate me and so I grew distant from you because I grew embarrassed of you and that's unfair to say uh because you never did anything wrong or negatively and you were always kind I do think that there was a lack of maybe passion and more of just a deep respect and love for you but I regret not keeping up a friendship you know after I broke up with you because I was so ashamed you know for for leaving somebody who was so kind I just put a lot of space between us I am glad that in later years we reconnected and I do wish you all the best you know that I'm a support system there for you and thank you for being a great example of what good love is that's annoying dear ex I struggle with this we were never meant to be more than friends we were never meant to try to have a romantic relationship because of the clear and compatibilities based on your personality type in mind that I knew existed in the very beginning but you gave me attention at a time that I felt nobody else was and you gave me a lot of certainty and you did something that at the time not a lot of people did you asked me for a committed relationship which back then I wanted so bad that I was willing to overlook other things in order to attain that if I ultimately look back my biggest regret is saying yes to begin with maybe to this day we will still be cool if I didn't do that but in our relationship and in the efforts and in the trying there's really not a lot that I feel sorry for I gave good effort I was honest I remained vigilant I devoted myself to you in several ways you know I believed in you but here is where my biggest regret is the final year of our not so great relationship I fucking hated your guts I really did I used to like search and try so hard to find out if you were cheating not because I really cared but because I just needed an excuse to get away from you and that is foul because I should have just been strong enough to say I want to get away from you I was so afraid of acknowledging that I was not capable of unconditional love which I learned through the experience that I am not capable of unconditional love my love absolutely has conditions I mean there are absolutely rules and standards in there but at that time I was afraid to admit that I wasn't capable of that and so I would rather have it been your fault and so I was almost waiting for you to slip up so that I could leave without having to be the one who did it and I was so heavily of course riddled with addiction that it was hard for me to get out but I loved you I did not like you and I think about that right now because in my current relationship so much of it is based on genuine life when my partner does certain things I look at them and I smile and they make me feel like oh it's so cute and when they do silly things I'm like oh it's so cute and given that person that space even if it isn't verbal just every time I look at him I think good things and I looked at you and I didn't feel the same I thought really not nice things um little things everything that you did bothered me I just didn't give you a warm environment to improve it whether or not you came with your own set of mistakes or your own set of faults um especially the last year I did not give a hospitable environment for anybody to thrive or improve in and there's no wonder things ended the way that they did I learned a lot from you and thank you and I know I talk a lot of shit about you but thank you um thank you for giving me the emphasis on thank you for re-energizing me when I was sort of lost in my career you know four years ago or so he was the one who was like I think you should devote yourself to relationships you seem to give a lot of care to that um and while you did give that initial encouragement it didn't help you know during the relationship where you constantly said I shouldn't be one because I don't know anything but I'm gonna ignore that and focus on the positive um thank you for the encouragement to get back into it thank you for teaching me how to dress you know thank you for teaching me the importance of putting myself together I think that you have great skills and a great talent and it's hard for me to truthfully say that I wish the best for you so I think I shouldn't say anything at all I don't think we should talk at all um which is a cool thing to say out loud because for a while there my hurt and unresolved feelings towards you I felt like should be talked out or I should reach out and talk to you as I sit here today I realized that just that's just not a good idea and thank you for the lessons that's all that's all this video is so much weirder than I thought it would be um so I'm gonna do a tag right now because I don't know how else to end this this is I guess an opportunity I would I hope that you guys kind of see there's a difference a juxtaposition so when it says letter to my exes I know on my cover photo I was all like fuck you and really it's the opposite if you had to write a letter to your ex and lament on the positive and take away the good things from it and find where you messed up and as I said in my previous video accountability is king when you know where you went wrong or where you could have improved you can change the future when the world is happening to you or people are happening to you and you didn't do anything wrong you can't take any of those lessons forth into a relationship and be better because of them so I want you guys to do the same if you were to write a letter to five exes that deeply changed you and adjusted the way that you perceive love and relationships forever and you were to focus mostly on the positive or where you were at fault what would you say to them so make a tag video I'm gonna tag in this Hannah Witton Ari Fitz Maya Washington Megan T and Amber's closet so oh also Jackie Aina so let's tag you guys before valentine's day or on valentine's day do a letter to five of your exes and see where it goes put the camera on to see where it goes I didn't expect this but I'm happy with the result and I'm very happy that you guys stayed with me throughout this process and I encourage you to do your own happy almost valentine's day baby