 In the year she has been teaching English at Madison High School, Armist Brooks has helped to initiate many projects there, and the results have been amazingly consistent. Yes, almost every one of them has been a flop. However, a few months ago, I had given our principal the idea of introducing a pen-pal project. In other words, those students and teachers at Madison who wanted to do so could pick the names of some students or teachers in a foreign country and correspond with them. Well, two months of all this goodwill certainly had its effect, especially on Mr. Boynton. Last Thursday morning at breakfast, I must have shown my concern because my landlady's first remark was... It's hopeless to try to hide your feelings from me, Connie. Now what's troubling you this morning? It's Mr. Boynton, Miss Davis. Is Daisy Enright chasing him again? Constantly. Every time I look behind me, there she is. But this has nothing to do with her, Mrs. Davis. It's my new rival who's worrying me. Your new rival? Who's she, Connie? Her name's Yvette Juvais, and she lives in Paris. What? Who's Yvette Juvais? I am. Just sit right there, dear, and I'll get you a damn claw for your forehead. No, I'm serious, Mrs. Davis. A few months ago, some of the students and teachers began corresponding with some foreign students and teachers. But what's that got to do with you and Yvette Juvais? Well, I thought this would be an ideal time to see whether Mr. Boynton really cares about me or not. So I put the fictitious name of Yvette Juvais on the list of names we got from the UN knowing that he'd correspond with her. But how could you be so sure? After her name, I added French high school biologist. And to make doubly sure, I tacked on frogs a specialty. You know, we've been corresponding ever since. But I still don't see how you got his letters and he got yours. Well, the letters were all written from and sent to school. So I bought some canceled French stamps in a hobby shop. And since Walter Denton was working in the mail room, it was no trick at all for him to intercept Mr. Boynton's letters for me. Well, I never. And how has your rivalry with Yvette worked out? I can answer that in three words. Vive la France. What do you mean, dear? In my very first letter, I sent him a picture of a French movie star which I clipped from a magazine and I told him this was Yvette. He showed his affection almost immediately. He sent you a picture right back. That's right, of his pet frog, McDougal. Since then, his letters have become more amorous and I've become more furious. But there's still no reason for you to be so upset, Connie. Oh, yes, there is, Mrs. Davis. I was so angry after his last letter, I wrote him that Yvette was coming to America. What? She's due to arrive today. Well, don't be too upset, Connie. Maybe something will happen. Maybe she'll be quarantined or she won't get through customs or... Oh, I forgot. Your Yvette. Yes. And I'm anxious to have a showdown with myself once and for all. If Mr. Boynton doesn't come clean about Yvette of his own free will, it's all over between us. No, I wouldn't. Oh, that must be Walter Denton. Be out in a minute, Walter. I'd better get ready, Mrs. Davis. All right, dear, but please think it over carefully before you do anything drastic about Mr. Boynton. I've made up my mind. He's got to choose between Yvette and Connie. But what if he chooses Yvette? Then he'll have no one. What if he chooses Connie? I'll go back to France and forget him. Come on, Walter, out with it. There's something troubling you this morning. What is it? It's Harriet, Miss Brooks. After all these years, she's in love with somebody else. Really? Who? His name's Giuseppe Umberto Mozzarella. Italian. I never would have guessed. You still haven't answered my question. Just who is Giuseppe? I am. What are you talking about? Well, I got the idea from you, Miss Brooks. I decided to test her love for me, and I included the fictitious name of Giuseppe Mozzarella of Rome in the list of students to correspond with. I knew she'd write to him. How could you be sure? After his name, I wrote handsome Latin lover. You've probably been corresponding with every other girl in school, too. How has your rivalry with Giuseppe worked out? I can answer that in two words, Miss Brooks. Viva Italia! You've been Harriet's pen pal. Pal is hardly the word for it. We've been singeing off each other's eyebrows through the mail. There's nothing to be so depressed about. After all, your rival is still safely tucked away in Italy. Well, that's just it, Miss Brooks. I got so furious at her last letter, I decided on the showdown. I wrote her that Giuseppe's coming to this country to visit her. What? I'm arriving in the next few days. She should have gotten my letter yesterday afternoon. This school is certainly going to be loaded without a town nurse. I'm arriving today, too. That is, Yvette Juvais. Say, wait a minute. I just thought of something extremely depressing. What is it? Suppose Mr. Conklin intercepts your letter about Giuseppe's arrival. He knows I'm behind the pen pal plan, and if he sees the letter, it can only mean one thing. What's that? Mr. Mozzarella may be coming from Rome and Miss Juvais from Paris, but Miss Brooks is on her way to Siberia. I've been thinking, Miss Brooks, you're right about Mr. Conklin. If he saw that letter this morning and you had to face him, you would be in trouble. Of course I would. Later on, he might not be quite so mad. Now, just a few steps more and we'll be past his office. Walter, take your head out from under your coat. We don't have to sneak along like thieves. Mr. Conklin, watch out! No! I'm sorry, sir. I was only trying not to disturb you in case you... Quiet, and I have a word of warning for you, young man. Warning, sir? National peanut week is coming up, and if I were you, I'd put a sign on my head. What kind of a sign? A sign saying, this is a head. Yes, sir. Goodbye, Miss Brooks. Oh, I'll run along, too, I think, Walter. It's late. Just a moment, Miss Brooks. It so happens I wanted to see you. It's about a certain letter. A certain letter, Mr. Conklin? Yes, tiny Tim. A letter. It came from one Giuseppe Muzarella of Rome, Italy, and was sent to my daughter Harriet. I steamed it open by mistake. I opened it by mistake. Well, yes, sir, but how does that concern me? Because, Miss Brooks, this pen pal project was your feeble brain child. I foresaw trouble in this idea from the beginning, and now the calamity has come to pass. The calamity? Surely it's not that serious, Mr. Conklin. It isn't, eh? Suppose you listen to the last part of the letter from this teenage Roman Casanova to my daughter. I'm a thinker to myself. Do I love her? Mushu? Do I need her? Mushu? Do I want her? Mushu? So I take my savings and come to America to visit. See you in a week on my little lasagna. All the ways, you Giuseppe. Well, Miss Brooks, isn't that revolting? Mushu! But now, Miss Brooks, I have an important statement to make to you. Yes, sir. Because of this international juvenile catastrophe, I am discontinuing your pet project. But, Mr. Conklin, I... Furthermore, it will be your job to play chaperone to this amorous antipasto when he does arrive. Just so you keep all future ideas of this type entirely to yourself, I have a little project of my own for you to embark on. It starts at my house tonight and continues through the next three weeks. Tonight, oh, but, sir, I can't possibly... With Brooks, I've made my decision. Miss Brooks, you have nothing more to say? Just one thing, sir. What's that? Mrs. Davis was right. Yvette will never get through customs. At lunch, as I approached our usual table in the cafeteria, I was only sure of one thing. That regardless of what happened, Mr. Boynton would take everything in his usual serene fashion. Well, good afternoon, Mr. Boynton. Ah! Oh, Miss Brooks! What an enthusiastic greeting. You make me feel like the witch of Endor. It's just that you startled me for a minute. Oh, would you care to tell me what you're so upset about? Upset? Oh, I'm not upset, Miss Brooks. No, not in the least. Have you decided what you want for lunch yet? And not yet. Let's see. I think I'll start off with some onion soup. French onion soup. You dropped your knife, Mr. Boynton. Then I'll have some potatoes. French fried. You dropped your fork, Mr. Boynton. I guess I am a bit jumpy today. Well, maybe you'll feel more like telling me what's bothering you tonight. We have a date to go to the movies, remember? I'm dying to see the new picture at the Gayety. What's playing there? The last time I saw Paris. Darn these slippery plates. Look, Mr. Boynton, why don't you calm down? Oh, but I am. I'm perfectly calm. Pardon me, Mr. Boynton. No! Oh, I'm sorry, Harriet. Something came up today that's made me a bit jumpy. A bit jumpy? His frog McDougal could take lessons. Well, if you don't mind, Mr. Boynton, I'd like to see Miss Brooks alone for a minute. Certainly, Harriet. I'll go up and get some coffee. I'll see you in a little while, Miss Brooks. There are two schools of thought on that. Now, what is it you wanted to see me about, Harriet? Well, I think that Daddy's attitude since I got that letter from Giuseppe is disgraceful. Well, your father certainly is furious at me, Harriet. Not only do I have to work at his house every night for the next three weeks, but he's discontinuing pen pals as well. He's certainly soured on that little project. Oh, he only acts that way because you suggested the idea, Miss Brooks. Why, for the last month, he's been secretly corresponding with a Viennese principle he got off the list. A Freuline Gretchen Schneider. A Freuline Gretchen Schneider? Does anyone else know about this, Harriet? Oh, not a soul, Miss Brooks. He writes the letters at home, but he gives the school as his return address. How do you know all this? I accidentally steamed open one in the mail room. Harriet, you dear child, I think you've pointed a way out of the wilderness for me. What do you mean? What are you going to do? Achtung, Mädchen, wir will sie, but wir will sie. I haven't heard any German spoken since my last Eric von Stroheim picture. Hello? Also, this is the home of Herr Konklin? Yeah, this is the home of Herr... Mr. Konklin speaking. Herr Konklin, here is your little Freuline Schneider from Vienna. Oh, you must have the wrong number. I've never been abroad in my life. I simply don't know any Freuline Schneider... I can hear you so clearly, I swear you are right around the corner. Well, that's because I am right around the corner. In fact, I'm in the drugstore. My train just got in from New York. What? What are you doing in the drugstore? Talking to you, my little pizza pie. My pom-pom nickel. But... Should I come over right now? No, no, no, no, no, no, don't do that. No, of course not. No, most embarrassing. I saw no reason to mention it in my letters, but I'm married. Oh, that's all right. I wait till the divorce is final. What? But I'm happily married. My wife doesn't know anything about you. Well, then we tell her. She must be a very understanding Frau. You don't know this, Frau. Well, when I arrive today, I go to the schoolhouse where I was writing you the letters. And Miss Brooks told me where you are. She would. Where you are right after dinner tonight. Have you got some place you can stay till then? Ah, yeah. Miss Brooks said I could stay at her house a bit more. What a woman that Miss Brooks is. I wish I had her in my school in Vienna. I wish you did too. Well, I'll see you later at her house. Wunderbar. Then will you be at the house? Oh, well, I'll be there as close to age as I can. I'll tell you all about my wife at that time. Good. Then at ten after eight, we call a lawyer. I'll be the Zane Corption. Well, I felt that I had found the three ingredients that might save my pen pal project at Madison. Ingredient one, Mr. Conklin had been corresponding secretly, but innocently, with the female Viennese school principle. Two, said Viennese principle, had misinterpreted the letters and had come to America to find Mr. Conklin. And three, I was the Viennese principle. And four, if my idea didn't work, I could probably get a job dishing out Schnitzelala Holstein in some hoffbrow. That evening at home, Mrs. Davis and I were waiting for Mr. Conklin. Well, Mr. Conklin ought to be here any time now, Mrs. Davis. I certainly hope your plan works, Connie. It's got to. It's the only thing that will save my pen pal project and keep me from doing night work for the next three weeks. But what about Mr. Boykin? That kind of night work, I don't mind. Oh, you mean what have I done about him? Well, I'm glad you mentioned it, Mrs. Davis. I'd better call him and tell him Mademoiselle Jouvet has arrived. I guess you know what you're doing, Connie. But I wish I did. Hello? Is Philip Boynton there? Well, this is Philip. This is Philip Boynton. Philip. Mon cher, Philip. This is Walter Petit Yvette Yvette Jouvet. Are you surprised that I have come? Surprised is hardly the word. Where are you now? At the railroad station. Shall I call for you, Mr. Yvette? Oh, no, no, Philip. It would take too long. I take the taxi and come right over to your house. Oh, but, Mrs. Yvette... I will see you too, sweet. Au revoir, mon amour. Now, Mrs. Davis, if you really want to help me, you'll do exactly as I say. Of course, Connie. Uh-oh, here it comes. First of all, I want you to go right into your sitting room and stay there. All right, Connie, but what about the door? I'll take care of that. Miss Brooks, did you get here? Come in, Mr. Conklin. We've been expecting you. Where is she? Where? Where? Where? Where has she gone? Where? Troy Lyne Schneider's in the other room talking to Mrs. Davis. Now, try to calm yourself, Mr. Conklin. I've never seen you this nervous. You'd be nervous too if your marriage was at stake. What marriage is that? You know what I mean. If my wife ever finds out about this Troy Lyne Schneider, I'm ruined. Mr. Conklin, maybe I can help you out of this mess. Oh, would you, Miss Brooks? Would you talk to her? Tell her my situation. Convince her that she should go home to Vienna. If you'll do this for me, Miss Brooks, I'll do anything you ask, anything at all. Name it. It's yours. Will you see to it that the pen pal project continues? Why, I wouldn't dream of discontinuing it. And I'll never have to work at your house at night again. Not even if I have to do it, heaven forbid myself. No, you will talk to her, won't you? I've been talking to her, Mr. Conklin. I know what your home life means to you and I've practically convinced her to leave already. I'll go back and put the finishing touches on it right now. You don't even have to see her if you don't want to. Oh, that would be wonderful, Miss Brooks. I don't know how to thank you. Well, we'll think of something. Now, you wait right here and I'll be back in a few minutes. Well, here I am back again for Lyne Schneider. Well, here I am back again for Lyne Schneider. Well, here I am back again for Lyne Schneider. Rowling Schneider. I missus Davis, remember? This is for Mr. Conklin's benefit. We're trying to convince her to go back to Vienna. Was that, my Lieber, our scoot at the door, Miss Brooks? Oh, I must see him. I used must. Himmel, what a letter, Reider. Now, now, for our Lyne Schneider, remember what we talked about. You wouldn't want to break up a family, would you? Why not? It ain't my family. Oh, well, I guess you're right. I would never forgive myself, huh? Oh, well, I guess you're right. I would never forgive myself, huh? Oh, well, I guess you're right. Oh, well, I guess you're right. I would never forgive myself, huh? Oh, of course you wouldn't. And I know if you took one look at Mr. Conklin, you'd fall madly in love with him. No woman can resist that mustache. Oh, well, I must see our scoot. Use once. No, Freyline Schneider. Yah, no. Yah, no. You know, Connie, with a dummy on your knee, you'd be a sensation. It's for your own good not to see him, Freyline Schneider. Then that's what I'll did. I wouldn't see him. Also, Miss Brooks, you tell him I will ride when I get back to Vienna. And Miss Brooks? Yes, Freyline Schneider? Tell him I'll leave him loads. I'll give him your message at once. Well, it's all settled, sir. Freyline Schneider said that you... I didn't never mind, Miss Brooks. I overheard everything. Mr. Conklin will never forget what you've done for him today. I hope I was good Conklin doesn't. Oh, and Miss Brooks? Yes, sir. I had no idea you felt that way without my mustache. I'll be on my way home now. Back to the snug harbor of cannubial felicity and my little... Now, who's that? Mr. Boynton, what are you doing here? Miss Brooks, I had to see you. Something's been bothering me terribly. Mr. Boynton, come in. Go out, Mr. Boynton, go out. Do come in. Hello, Mr. Conklin. Forgive my aggressiveness, but this is something that won't wait, Miss Brooks. I must tell you at once. Later, Mr. Boynton, later. Much, much later. What's bothering you, Boynton? Out with it? Well, Miss Brooks, I would wait to tell you alone, but this girl is probably at my house now and there's no time. What girl? Miss Brooks, good afternoon. From Paris? Well, immigration is certainly booming today. And a great light is beginning to dawn. From where I'm standing, things were never blacker. Just how did Yvette Juvais arrive, Mr. Boynton? By train from New York. She phoned me from the station ten minutes ago. Mmm. And Proline Schneider arrived by train from New York a couple of hours ago. The only trains that stop here from New York arrive at 8 a.m. and 8 p.m. Maybe one was early and one was late. Wait a minute. Oh, of course. I see it all now. There is no Yvette Juvais. And there is no Proline Schneider. You know what this means. Yes, sir. There is now no Miss Brooks. Well, since we all... Excuse me. Hello? Yeah, hello, Miss Brooks. This is Walter. I finally got it off my chest. I didn't think it was fair to Harriet, so I told her I was Giuseppe Mozzarella. Well, it didn't happen quite that way with me, but my impersonations of Proline Schneider and Yvette Juvais were exposed to Walter. And you know something about what? It's going to take all three of us to do the work Mr. Conklin's about to give me. Au revoir. Au vis des aines. Arrivederci. Four of our show, E. Barton. Wouldn't it be something if Mr. Boynton really did start corresponding with a French mamzelle? What do I care? I'm not afraid. I'll mash my complexion with hers any time. Miss Brooks. Sorry, E. Barton. This is written by Arthur Albreg and Al Lewis for the music of Love Bluskin. Mr. Conklin was played by Gail Gorton. Next week at this same time and on High School's favorite English teacher, Miss Brooks, will again call the student body together. Don't you be absent. Our Miss Brooks is presented each week through the worldwide facilities of the United States Armed Forces Radio and Television Service.