 Thank you so much for sticking to Y254 TV. My name is Sheryl Blessing and you are watching The Power Talk Show. Now before we went on our short break, we were just having a conversation on forgiveness and is it possible to rebuild trust after someone has broken it? Particularly, now we want to get into the interpersonal relationships. We were just expounding on the parents and the older generations and how we can forgive them and move on as well as our self-forgiveness. So I want you to go on our social media platforms at Y254, share a comment and experience that you've had, where you forgive someone and you called in to trust them after or where it was so easy for you to trust someone because you believed that they came from a genuine point. So we were just having the conversation with Alan and patients. So I want us to get into the relationship portion of it. So we want to depend on the relationships particularly when we talk about the sexual relationships are very, very intense and with that it comes with a lot. So let us start with the friendship bit because we become friends before we get to relationships ideally that's how it should be. So with our friendships, patients, let me start with you because I feel like our as ladies don't know, complicating him, I don't know, we have a friendship. We have drama. Sometimes it's drama over. Patients are at the top and I remember, so I'm selfish and it becomes a whole thing that started from nowhere. So let's talk about a friend who's broken your trust, particularly maybe talking ill about you to someone else and in front of you they seem like they're genuine people but they're really a fake friend. But you find out, you forgive them and they're trying to convince you by the way right now I'm real. Maybe in the past I wasn't but right now you're my friend. You know, I got you. Is it possible for you to rebuild trust in a situation like that? It's going to be hard because I'll keep on remembering. You did this last time. I didn't do this but you did this. So maybe when I tell you to go with me somewhere, then you tell me, I'll not be around. Then that evening, I see on your Instagram story, you're out with some other friends. See, you're not going to be out with your friends, you're not going to be like, ah, you're not going to be able to improve too or anything. No, you knew very well. So me personally, that pisses me off a lot. So when the next time I tell you, so you can go out, then you tell me what you're going to do. I know very well, the patterns are the same. You're going to do this and this again. So at the back of my mind, I don't want to believe that it's true. But I believe it's true. It was really funny the last time I made a difference. So I just feel it will be very hard for me to trust you because I still have that new manager. Ah, if you have a brain that's going to be like, I'll give you a date, I'll give you a date, I'll give you a date. And then I'll say, hey, hey, hey. So I will trust you. I'm just giving the benefit of a doubt. You can say it's true or not. But then, you'll see that you trust. How it ends. It's going to be hard for you to trust them again. I wish Kanzong would have a reaction to Alan. But you're not going to be able to see this scenario. Alan was probably thinking, huh? See you are a little too minor. But I feel like, to men, things that seem minute. Because someone was sharing with me, it was a guy who was sharing because he didn't get the whole point. My birthday is coming soon. And the best friend didn't wish her a happy birthday. So you are my catch feelings. And then the guy is telling me, I don't get the point. Like, see my birthday too. But to women, they really hold on to things like that. And as you've said, for some, it's harder for them to build trust after a situation like that has happened. Alan, based on your reaction, it clearly doesn't happen that often with guys. But what will it take? What will it take for you to lose trust in a friend? What will they have to do for you to say, eh, I don't trust that guy anymore? Let me use this small case. Today, a friend of mine calls me and tells me, Laurence, I need you to give me, let's say even $1, which is 100 shillings, I will return. You get, I've got no problem, honestly. Because you've said, you will return. I give you then, that one, because it's so minute to you, you'll be like, ah, no problem. You know, the next minute, you will come telling me, let's say, 10,000 shillings. Do you think I will give you? You've already broken the trust. And the bad thing about trust, no matter what you come and explain unto me, it's like, as much as I can give you benefit of doubt, but it reaches to a point, you also need to remove the benefits and take people for who they are. Somebody has shown me there are two colors. What am I trying to paint them? That you know what, let me paint them to my color preference. It cannot work like that. So the point is, those are my new things that we tend to ignore. They build up into big red flags. I call them the Red Seas. Because it was just a flag, but now it's the Red Sea. That must be it. Yeah, so for me, all those small, small things that I really treasure, it's very important. We've agreed that we are meeting at 8. And you come, let's say, later during the day. And you don't explain at all to me that when I, no, no, no. Nahakop. But then we've said, as we were starting this conversation, we talked about self-forgiveness. We talked about growing, because we all grow and we change. Yes, we will. Even I will forgive you no problem. I forgive granted, but access denied. Because let me protect my space. Because I don't want proximity. I want to control my environment. I want to control my proximity. So it is very important. The things that we tend to ignore are the very onset. They are the ones that come to hurdle at the very end. Later on. OK, so you are subscribed to them. Forgive, but don't forget. When is this a how? We're like, kiddo, go inside. It's only a lesson. It was a lesson for me to pick from there. And I move on. Now I wonder, in a situation where someone genuinely changes. Let's say the case file that you've given, because I think I've had the experience before. I've had situations where you invite someone and they don't come through. But then you see them going for someone else's thing. And you're like, what's going on? With no explanation. So sometimes we really assume and misunderstand. What if genuinely it was something that they were invited to last minute and it was so urgent? Or there was some pressing. There was a need for them to be there. But because we do not really understand the full picture, we'll see it as, at least I know to my thing, a kind of hapo. Or a situation where we've given the case file. This person has grown from maybe when they were starting. Maybe when they were freshers in uni, maybe when they were at home. Maybe they kept time half an year in uni. But they've also matured through experience and through life. They've matured, they've become better. What would it take for you to trust someone after they've shown you to send someone a paper? Alasasasai, you're trying to be like, hey, maybe paper isn't that kali, you know? How do you get that? They broke your trust, you forgive them, but you're still trying to rebuild it. And they have genuinely changed. Patience, how can you get to that point of building your trust completely with them? It's going to be still hard, because as much as we have grown, isn't this have happened? It's the processing for me. Because patients are like, hmm? Uko shua me change. Exactly, that's the question. Uko shua me change. Uko shua hauta nifanyi voutena. I'll constantly be thinking about what I've been saying the last time. But maybe that case that I've given when you said it's last minute, whatever. If it's last minute, it's like a good thing, maybe an appointment or something, should I say official to come here? But then, no, you're outside with your out. You're just having fun and all that. So at the back of my mind, I believe, ah, ah, I'm not the one who can choose the other. People say believe, no. But you know it also hurts you. This one though, you say, unadomto anas ke ga kawchungu, yeah, why would you do this? Even the situation that Alan has given, if you've trusted someone, you know, most times I believe in, if someone asks you for money or something, give them without expecting it back. But the fact that someone can offer to say, I'll pay it back, and then they do not communicate, they do not say anything, nawendo bakitwa pomeji jazia, then you can wonder what happened, were you really my friend or were you there for the finances? Now getting into the relationships. Kozu konro penye, so many people, especially in this day and time, una monga the first mistake end up. Cause as Alan you've said, the red flags are what build up. So the minute you see the first mistake, sometimes people don't even communicate. They don't even share and talk about what happened, what made me feel this way. So I want us to get into that and figure out what happens, but before that, let's go into the comments. And this is from Facebook. We have Julius Murega who says, tuned in from Nyeretown as Santisana Julius. Isaac Nalyanya says, hello, I'm watching from Butere. Trust cannot be rebuilt after forgiveness. Let's just forgive one another and everyone take his or her way. We are human beings. I'm talking out of experience. Thank you so much for that Isaac. We have Ibrahim Yasir says, Niko Locked, Bondi Cherenganyi. Now a check in Daniel Jango as Santisana Ibrahim. I hope to Naku Bamba. Avis Salashia says, once trust is broken, everything changes the way you look at your partner. Uno nangahu um tu, ni nongue tu. Eh yo, as Santi for that, we have Stacey Beth at the Ambu who says not my own trust. So eh, what do I say ma'apana? Bramwell Bokeh, KD says, nothing is impossible before the Lord. Human beings are all equal before God. We shall be ready to forgive our friends, family members and neighbors too. Thank you, Bramwell. I think you may talk from a perspective of a true Christian. Niko Ngovo Mrege says, following out of 237 Thika, as Santisana Kutu watch. Thank you so much. I think we've only had one comment. Mtoaki say ma'apana. By the way, it's possible to forgive. The rest really believe forgive, but don't forget. And I think most of us really, we are similar. And as we've gotten one comment, you know, I was talking to someone who was saying, we have to be like Christ. We have to replicate Christ, especially if you're a Christian or whatever religion you believe in, you have to emulate your creator and do as he would do. And in Istha, I mean, he died for our sins. He did not commit sins, but he died and said, it's okay, I'm covering this and every other generation to come. And it takes a lot for us in our human nature to get there. So particularly in relationships, once trust is broken, Alan, if your partner lets that from a situation where they've cheated, which is so major, and it's not, let's not even talk about cheating where they were probably involved, maybe cheating in terms of, they were flirting and they were emotionally invested in this other person. Do you think it's possible to forgive them and trust them after that? Oh, wow. It takes a level of maturity and the depth of the relationship. The other thing is, you know, once somebody realizes that they are wronged you or they're on their wrongs, there are two things here. Some people will ask for forgiveness because you've caught them. And some people will be genuinely sorry because they feel that they have betrayed themselves, not even you. So there are two dimensions here. So at times people will ask for forgiveness just to please you. But true forgiveness is a forgiveness whereby you've realized to yourself that you know what, genuinely I'm on the wrong. And true forgiveness can only be depicted by your action, not even your word. How you transformed from that incident. So the thing is, if let's say cheating has happened, especially emotional cheating, which is so much happening in this age and era, whereby people are just flushing around, you know, that is betraying your partner. So for that case, there is nothing as like it was a mistake because most people tend to say, so actually it was a mistake. Why are you playing with fire? And or why are you playing in the rain and they're expecting that the rain will not, will not fall on you. So if let's say it has happened in that kind of a situation because we cannot analyze them from the reality, it's for you to have this conversation, have this conversation, be sure that you've forgiven them brother, then the other person should guarantee you that they are going to change their character, but to some extent, especially as far as relationships are concerned. I always say an alligator in Kenya can never be a crocodile in the US. So you've got to be a very serious person when it comes to that. You need to know what are your non-negotiables as far as relationships are concerned. And I think that also comes with maturity. The older you get or the more mature you become, you realize this is what I'm willing to tolerate and this I cannot. And on that note, because trust is really hard to build if someone has broken, particularly in a relationship, because if you are cheating emotionally with this person, how many other people have you been cheating on me with and the fact that you brought out the fact that people are sorry because they're caught. They're not sorry because I've realized that I've messed up and I come to tell you that Alan, by the way, I was talking to so-and-so, it's because you caught them in the act. Now in a different case, let's say a patient, your partner does not disclose everything. They may feature some information, maybe even its finances, maybe it's about their family, maybe it's something that affects both of you and then you come to find out through a third party. So when you confront them, they tell you the truth, but they didn't tell you the truth to begin with. Is it possible for you to forgive and trust your partner again after that? I would forgive, but I would not trust 100% because when you're in a relationship, you're one, you're trying, you're one. So it means everything I'm going through, I'll share with you. It's basically, this is you are really, we are working together. So I believe if anything is happening to you or any family issues, you should just let me know. I should not let it get all the information from another person. So I'll feel I am not enough or I am not enough, should I say? Then you can't trust me enough with all your issues, but you can trust another third party. So why ruin a relationship? Because a relationship should be open, you tell me everything. So I believe I can just forgive and maybe I explain what I'm going through. Maybe I'll say, ah, I didn't want to include you in this and this as they always say or say, could you excuse me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm not good at this. Could you excuse me? No, I'm not going to apologize, I'm just going to say. No, I'm not going to apologize. I'm not going to apologize. I'm not going to protect you. I'm not going to protect you from me. Why you protecting me? Why you? I know. Exactly. So, ah, me, me, no, I'll just forgive you, but I want to trust you, because you didn't trust me in the first place, did you? Yeah. And they didn't come forth and tell you, by the way, this is the situation, you had to find out through someone else. So if they didn't tell you, it brings us back to, they're sorry, they're caught. It's not because they're sorry, they didn't tell you. Now in a situation where I'm telling myself, Alan, let's say we are dating. And I have been, I'm not going to tell you, I'm going to go to the box lab. And maybe I'll sleep up one time. And I come and tell you, by the way, I'm really, this and this happened, I confess everything. And I tell you, I am willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild this relationship. How would you receive that? Why? You know, there are two things here. You can be genuine, but in most cases, some people tend to be manipulative. You just wanna tell us safe, in the generation that's manga of tell us safe. In terms of just in case I'm caught, I'm like, say, I told you, you get. So it is kind of manipulative because what is the motive? Because it's not about what you are saying. The motive behind what you are saying, it is what is more important than anything else. So we have to go back and look at what was the motive. I have to listen to what was not being said, not only what was said. Because you can be telling me to protect yourself or rather you are telling me to prove a point, maybe I'm not appreciating you enough or I'm not celebrating you enough. So you are showing me that, you know, I have to up my game so that I can be able to accommodate you. So it comes from, it's where the person is coming from. The intention behind them confessing. Yeah. So basically who can trust me? Eva Tundumna, Sema. Yes, because sincerely, come on, come on, come on. What are you doing? So the point is if at that particular time, maybe you felt genuinely, you're coming to tell me, as a man, there are two things who also will come and play. Maybe you want to bruise my ego or there is a silent communication you are giving unto me. And also the tone and the mood matters the most because man, I kind of feel we are a bit delicate as far as relationships are concerned because anything you sleep, hibikido, we are done. So as far as trust is concerned, it is you now to understand your partner more. There is no proper manual about it. Is you to understand me and you also understand you well enough. And through that, we are going to build a stronger relationship and especially we are talking the season of Easter and all these things. Especially as Christians, we've got to be people, I like the aspect you brought. We've got to be Christ-like, not like other Christians. I ought to do things, thinking if I was, if it was Jesus or if I am a Muslim, if it was my creator, how will they handle this situation? So it is you to ask wisdom from the Lord because we can do all these things. We can say 17 ways of how to build a relationship, all these things, not unless a relationship is founded on the foundation of God. It is nothing. Do not be so much excited that your partner loves you or do not be so much excited that guy is loving and all those things. Do these person have a genuine connectivity with their creator? Through that, because if they have a proper connectivity with their God, then there is a way they can treat you accordingly because we are all made in the image and the likeness of God. Yeah, I like that. So it trickles down to the personality. Thank you. Now, Sasa, that situation you've said, it depends on the intention. What if I'm genuine? Like I genuinely wronged you patients and I feel genuinely horrible about it and it's from a point of integrity and I'm coming forth because I feel bad about the situation. As, okay. Not... Let's talk about your boyfriend. If he's just being genuine and he comes and tells you, babe, because the first situation, he's not the one who told you, you found out through someone else. Come here, I'm going to tell you. He and his situation may happen. I'm going to cut him off, by the way. And I'm going to tell you, I'm a woman. I'm going to entertain, but babe, I'm a woman. Is it possible for you to build trust from that? I'm going to tell you. And you know the personality of your partner is someone who's honest and I'm going to tell you the same thing. He has a feature. I'm going to tell you the same thing. I'm going to tell you the same thing. I'm going to show you the proof. How would you receive that? I will know when he's genuine. I'll just feel it. So, the same way I wouldn't, maybe someone else will be telling me that and be like, ah, no, no, no. But when you're telling, when I can't feel that you're genuinely sorry, I'll trust you. I'll just know what it's a mistake. We all make mistakes, so I'll trust you. But if I don't feel, I will not be able to be honest and be honest and be genuine. Or as he said, you're just trying to be manipulative. That is, if I don't feel what you're saying. But if I feel, I'll trust you. And you know there's always this concept. There's always the concept of men can lie and they will cry what Alia chose. And they will hang around the whole time. So let me pull up the comments and then I can get back to you. alone as we are winding up. This is still from Facebook, I believe. We have Bridget Sambat who says, when trust is broken, it can be rebuilt only if the people involved are serious about it. That's true, because that's an aspect of intentionality. Name okay, and I say, Ajay Sasa. Ajay Sasa. Deno Jivali says, Kayole is watching. Thank you so much for watching us. I don't know. Do we have any more comments, Timor? Yeah, we have Racha Josez is impossible. Never. Stacy Diana says, I feel like based on the comments that we've gotten, there are so many people who they've lost trust because they've had some bad experiences where they feel like even after you've given someone your trust again, it's possible to break it. The way we were talking about, unless we want a habit over time, years and years ago, maybe it will change, because you never know if someone is just faking it again. Now, let me wind it up by bringing it to work spaces. Because there's a job that you can't say, Racha Josez, or a colleague, because you know we are in a situation where people are competing for the same exact opportunities. Patience, if you find out one of your colleagues, Amanda, I'm a bad mouth, she has dragged you through the mud and said all sorts of lies. But then the minute you find out, they're like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. It wasn't intentional. Maybe this was happening. Is it possible for you to trust that colleague again after that? Because when she says this was happening, you should not blame a situation on maybe what, maybe, say you're going through something, then you say, ah, it's just because I was going through something. No, don't, so would I trust that colleague again? I would not trust that colleague because I believe if you did it the first time, you're going to do it again. So all I'll have to do is to avoid that person, to avoid being in spaces where he or she is. And if I need to, because I'm too young, I'll watch it too. Because you, if you hang out with a colleague and collect, okay, baby, he's collecting that. Yeah, because if you're hanging out with, I'd say a lot of journalists, maybe. But if you go out with a colleague and ask her stories, that's okay. Yeah. No, no, no, you can't do that. Exactly. So I would avoid that person. Maybe it all started with me. So if I don't try and put myself from all those people that are hurting me, they'll keep on hurting me. So I have a choice of not staying with that person, not going to places or being in scenarios where they are or including in everything. So let me just live. So it's up to you to change your environment and even your perception of the whole situation. Now, I wonder, can I boss you around? The way we were talking about the older generation, sometimes they're threatened by young people coming into the job market. They feel like you're threatening their positions. If there's anything that like Alan is late, Alan does not do his work visually. And then you find out about it. Is it possible for you to forgive and trust your boss after situations like that have happened? Well, okay. You have on your bossy, you don't compete with your boss at the end of the day. But let me tell you, toxic working environment is a real thing that people never want to talk about it. It is many people are depressed at their place of work, but people cannot talk. You know, you understand. So at work, your colleagues are your colleagues. They are not your friends. You have to put a distinction. Do your work, you get? Do what you have to do. But at a personal space, try and avoid it because once familiarity crops in, there are some levels you guys, like there are some boundaries that will not be put in place. So try to maintain a lot of professionalism, especially when you're working. And through that, you will be able to avoid some things and alter your expectations on people. That is why we end up being frustrated because we have so much expectations on these people. So lower your expectations on people and trust yourself that anything can happen. This person can go out there but mouthy because remember you are in a competing space and especially you are colleagues that you are in the same level. They will try anything and everything to displace you. So what are kimbia? Who could end up with a bad mouth and do all those things, but do not lose your identity, no matter what they do. Be quick to forgive, but do not let it get into your heart. And even if they praise you at work, do not let it get into your head. Take it as a compliment and move on. Do not be so much invested into your colleagues out of experience. And many people will attest to this working environment. It is a high time. People need to change their mentality. We just need to be realistic. Because you can never grow tall by cutting other shots. Let each person shine their own shine. Today you cannot be behind the camera. Today you cannot be the one hosting. So no matter what you do, you can go to the bad mouth somebody. You can do all those things. But whatever you have to do, just do it and go home. What am I booming? I read a lot. The sky is enough for all of us to shine. That's why there are stars. They all shine at the same time. So we all have the same opportunity to shine at our own time. So I can shine. Just because we let each other in the same place. And I like that. Because you know so many people, especially when they're new to the job market, they come in thinking, all these people are my friends. I'm so excited to be in this space. And then you maybe disclose some things even about your personal life, your family, and those are the things that can be used against you. Because you never know. The way you're saying, not everyone understands the concept that how many billions of people exist. And still, every single person has their own life. They have their own space. People do not really understand that. Because some people want to fight you because they want to Because they feel like you're intimidating to them. And that is a problem. Because you have to understand that. You know, it's possible for you to add value to each other's lives, as long as you coexist peacefully and harmoniously. And so many people do not understand that. But in this conversation, you see, you only echoed that when you said, if you feel like the person is honest, and there isn't, how would you even feel? How can you know? You will just feel. Yeah. I will end the script because at this point, minute one point two, I'll start crying. I just feel it. Yeah. Trust you as much as I feel that connection, as much as I feel your genuine. Then it's possible to trust. Yeah. But Alad, at your point, because you wanted to say something, in your experience as a relationship coach, I'm sure what I'm going to say is an issue. Yes. People can rebuild trust. And even before even we get to rebuilding trust, you get to that point whereby you've come, you told me that, you know what, Alad and I are in a relationship. Why are you telling me this? You're telling me this so that we be accountable. You're having way too much fun. I know. So you look at it. It is a question of maybe you are telling me so that we be accountable to each other. We protect each other. So it is all about the intentionality. Why are you telling me? So then what is the way forward? So moving from there, that is when we have to establish step by step our ways on how we can be able to protect us and become even more vulnerable and open to each other because it's a sign of strength. It's not a weakness. So the other thing, back to what you are saying, it is easier to rebuild trust if and only if you promise that I'm going to hold my side of the bugging, no matter what. Because there are some people, because the situation has not been presented. You find someone can be so trusting, like they can be so loving, they can be so honest because they have not been presented with an opportunity for them to cheat. So maybe this opportunity because it has come, you have to look at the situation and look at it, okay, to what extent should I go. But most of the cracks will begin in the relationship because of that particular incident that really happened. And on the man side, you have a lot of things to do so that to prove your worth for you to be in the life of this lady. So it is a question of you putting in so much work to prove your worth. And most of the time, most of the people happen, they tend to fail because putting in the work to be able to regain that. It's like they say trust is like a broken glass. But it will never ever ever be the same. Because also again, patterns will never lie. And ladies are good at reminding you. You remember 1949, you did this, you get. So memory. Yes. But for us men, we are like here, we forget each other and forget, but now you guys hold on to it. So you see, if we end the relationship, anything minute happens. You start crying. I'm like, why are you crying? You remember 1959, you did this and this. So I'm like, it is the anniversary of you cheating. I'm like, okay, that's a big news. But it takes a lot of intentionality based on what you're saying. And as the comment agreed, it takes intentionality on both parties. So I have one question that was posed on X. So this is Samuel Washira. He says, enjoying the show, big up to patients. Just one question to her. What should the young man do when they're not in good terms with their parents, especially mothers? So we can both address this. So patients, you can give us your perspective. What should a young man do when they're not in good terms with their parents, especially their mother? So maybe you can give me the answer in 30 seconds or less, if it's possible. Okay. I'll just talk to them as simple as that. As I said earlier, you don't know what is going on with them. Your mask. I'm just talking to them to understand the situation. Just talk to them. Just talk to them and just tell them what's on your mind. Set you on a feature. Tell them, you know, when you do this, I feel like this. And I don't feel good. So if you stop doing this, you just tell them, this is how I feel. And if you stop doing this to me or if you start doing this to me, I'll start feeling this way. And it will make me productive in one way or another. So just presenting yourself in a way that she can understand it. Thank you for that. Alan, what's your opinion on that? What do you think the young man should do if he gets along with mama? Number one thing is, first of all, forgive yourself for what really happened. Then the other thing is change your behavior so that not only to sweet your mom but because you realize that maybe I was on the wrong. Then have a conversation with her. Have a conversation, understand where she's coming from and get into her shoe. Then through that, build a conversation the way she was saying, have this conversation. Mom, why did you do this? You get through that and suggest to her. Maybe she was doing it out of a point of ignorance or she was not aware, you understand. And they're also human. They're also human. They will tend to understand you. None. So it is not, we cannot just be like, okay, it's our... Just have a conversation. And I like that. I think you've really summed up this conversation, Izuri. Talk to your parents. So many of us are going through challenges, especially with our African parents because we feel like they don't understand us or they do not receive what we say well. You have to understand your parents are humans. Every single person around you exists in their own space. They have their own issues. They're dealing with their own traumas. So it's very important for you to understand every individual that you're dealing with. You have to understand why you're dealing with it. And see if there is some integrity in the apology. If you forgive someone, let it come from your heart. If you forgive someone genuinely from your heart, building trust is something that takes time. And it's upon you to decide if you want to trust this person or not. And I think that is it for the day. I want to thank our guest. They've been so wonderful. Alan has a new book that he's released. Unfortunately, we've not had time to tackle that. But please go on his platforms. This is a book about keeping your love life alive. And so many people are dealing with love issues and relationship issues. This and so many books have been produced by Alan. Patients is also a poet as well as a journalist. So follow them on their platforms and keep in touch. My name is Sheryl Blessing. I want to thank the entire team of Power Talk. And that is it. Stay tuned to Y254 TV for more interesting programs coming your way. Thank you so much.