 CHAPTER 24 THE PATROLIUM HUMBUG The New York and Rangoon Petroleum Company Every sham, as has often been said, proves some reality. Petroleum exists, no doubt, and is an important addition to our national wealth. But the petroleum humbug, or mania, or superstition, or whatever you choose to call it, is a humbug just as truly and a big one, whether we use the word in its milder or its bitterer sense. There are more than 600 petroleum companies. The capital they call for is certainly not less than $500 million. The money invested in the notorious South Sea bubble was less than two-fifths as much, only about $190 million. Now this petroleum business, very much of it, is just as thorough a gambling business as any farrow bank ever set up in Broadway, or any other stock speculation ever conjured up in Wall Street, as much so, for instance, as the well-known Parker Vane Coal Company. I shall here tell exactly how those well-known and enterprising financiers Mishir's Peter, Roliam, and Diddle Digwell proceeded in organizing the New York and Rangoon Petroleum Company, of which all my readers have seen the advertisements everywhere, and of which the former is the Vice President and Managing Officer, and the latter, Secretary. In June 1864, neither of these worthy gentlemen was worth a cent. Roliam shinned up and down in some commission agency or other, and Digwell had a small salary as a clerk in some insurance or money concern. They barely earned a living. Now Roliam says he is worth $200,000, and Mr. Secretary Digwell, besides about $10,000 worth of stock in the New York and Rangoon, has his comfortable salary and his highly respectable posish to use a little bit of business slang. Mr. Roliam was the originator of the scheme, and let Digwell into it, and together they went to work. They had a few hundred dollars in cash, no particular credit, an entirely unlimited fund of lies, a good deal of industry, plausibility, talk and cheek, considerable acquaintance with business, and an instinctive appreciation of some of the more selfish motives, commonly influential among men. First of all, Roliam made a trip into the oil country. Here, while picking up some of his ordinary agency business, he looked around among the wells and oil lands, talking and examining and inquiring of everybody about everything with a busy solemn face, and the air of one who does not wish it to be supposed, that he has important interest in his care. Then he talked with some men at, we will say, Titusville and their abouts, told all about his valuable business connections in New York City, and after getting a little acquainted, he laid before each of a half a dozen or so of them this proposition. You can have a good many shares of a first-class new oil company about to be formed, just for permitting your name to be used in its interest and for being a trustee. A thousand shares a piece he said to be valued at five dollars each, the par value however being ten dollars. Five thousand dollars each man and to be made ten thousand, as soon as the proposed puffing should enable them to sell out. After a little hesitation, a sufficient number consented. There was nothing to pay, something handsome to get, and all they were asked for it was to let a man talk about them. What if he did lie? That was his business. This fixed four out of the nine intended trustees. Roliam also obtained memoranda or printed circular showing the amounts for which a number of oil land owners would sell their holes in the ground or the room for making others and describing the premises. He now flew back to New York and went to sundry persons of some means and some position but of no great nobility and thus he said, Here are these wealthy and distinguished oilmen right there on the ground who are going to be trustees of my new company. You serve too, won't you? One thousand shares for your trouble, five thousand dollars. No money to pay, I will see to all that. Here are the lands we can buy and he showed his list. The bribe and the names of those already bribed influenced them and this secured three more trustees. Two more were needed namely the president and vice president. Roliam himself was to be the latter. His next move was to secure the former. This, the most critical part of the scheme, was cunningly delayed until this time. Roliam went to the honorable A. B., a gentleman of a good deal of ability. Pretty widely known, not very rich, believed perhaps for that reason to be honest, no longer young and of a reverend yet agreeable presence. Him, the plausible Roliam, told all about the new company, what a respectable Board of Trustees there was going to be and he showed the names all either experienced in some stanchal men of the oil country or reputable businessmen of New York City. And they have agreed to serve in part because they know what a very honest company this is and still more because they hope that the honorable A. B. will become president. My dear sir urged Roliam sweetly, this legitimate business enterprise must succeed and must secure wealth, reputation and influence to all connected with it. We know that you are above the cuneary considerations and that you do not need our influence or anybody's. We need yours and you need not do any work. I will do that. We only need your name and merely as a matter of form because the officers are expected to be interested in their own company. I have set apart 2,000 shares being at half par or $5 a share, $10,000 of stock to stand in your name. See how respectable all these trustees are and he showed the list and preached upon the items of it. This man is worth so many millions and that man is such an influential editor. Could I have obtained such names if this were not a perfectly square thing? $10,000 will go some ways towards squaring almost anything and with many people even if it is a mere matter of form. So the old gentleman consented. This fixed the whole official slate. Now to set up the machine. In a few days of sharp running and talking, Roliam and Digwell accomplished this as follows. First, they hired and furnished handsomely, paying cash whenever they couldn't help it, a couple of pleasant first floor rooms close to Wall Street. No dingy desk room up in some dark corner or attic for them. Respectability is the thing for Roliam. Second, they hired a lawyer to draft the proper papers and had the New York and Rangoon Petroleum Company quote duly incorporated under the mining and statute laws of the state of New York unquote with charter by law seal officers names and everything fine new grand magnificent impressive formal respectable and business-like third they now had every requisite of a powerful enterprising and highly successful corporation except the small trifles of money land and oil but what are these two such geniuses as Roliam and Digwell singular if having invented and set the trap they could not catch the birds they bought about three pints of oil for one dollar and that settled one part of the question they bought it ready sorted and viled and labeled some crude and green some yellowish some limpid as water a half a dozen or so of different specimens these in their tall vials of most respectable appearance they placed casually on the mantle piece of the outer office they were specimens of the oils which the company's wells are confidentially expected to yield when they get them last of all land and money subscriptions to capital stock are to furnish money money will buy land and saying we've got land will procure subscriptions it's not much of a lie after all said Roliam confidently to his brother digwell when we've said we've got it for a while we shall get it it's not a lie at all it's only discounting the truth at 60 days so he and digwell went to work and made a splendid prospectus and advertisement the latter an abridged edition of the former the prospectus was a great triumph of business lying mixed with plums and spices of truth and all set forth with taking quote display lines unquote it's began with a stately row of names new york and ran goon petroleum company honorable abraham b president peter rolyam esquire vice president diddle digwell esquire secretary and so on with cool impudence it then gave a list headed quote lands and property unquote not saying quote of the company unquote for fear of a prosecution for swindling but the list below began with the words quote the oil lands to be conveyed to the company are as follows unquote that's exactly it quote rolyam no lie they are at any rate they are to be conveyed to us if we choose just as soon as we can pay for them and the list went on from quote number one quote to quote number 43 unquote giving in a row all those memoranda which rolyam had obtained in venango county and the region round about of the descriptions of the real estate which the landmarks up there would be glad to sell for what they asked for it the prospectus said that the capital of the company was one million dollars in 100 000 shares at ten dollars each but in order to obtain a working capital 20 000 shares are offered for a limited period at five dollars each not subject to further assessment and it added through more phrases something to the following effect hurry pay quick or you will lose your chance in conclusion the whole was wound up with many wise and moral observations about legitimate business interest of stockholders heavy capitalist economical management and other such things and it bestowed some rather fat compliments upon the honorable abraham b and the trustees having concocted this choice morsel of bait they said it in the great stream of newspapers there to catch fish in plain terms with some cash and some credit for their means would not even reach to pay in advance the whole of their first advertising bill they managed to have their advertisement published during several weeks in a carefully chosen group of about 30 of the principal newspapers of the united states the whole web was now woven and roliam and digwell like two hungry spiders squatted in their den every nerve thrilling to feel the first buzz of the first fly it was natural that the scamp should feel a good deal excited it was life or death with them if a confiding public in answer to their impassioned appeal should generously remit they were made men for life if not instead of being rich and respected gentlemen they were ridiculous detested swindlers well they succeeded so truthful is our great american nation so confiding so sure of the truth of what is said in print even if only in the advertising columns of a newspaper so certain of the good faith of people who have their names printed in large capitals and with a handle at one end that actually these fellows had a hundred thousand dollars in bank within 10 weeks before they owned one foot of land or one inch of well or one drop of oil except there's three pints in the vials on the office shelf and remember this is no imaginary case i am giving point by point the exact transactions of a real petroleum company everything i have told was done only if possible with a more false and baseless impudence than i have described and scores and scores of other petroleum companies have been organized in ways exactly as unprincipled some of them may perhaps have proceeded as real business concerns some have stopped and disappeared as soon as the managers could get a handsome sum of money into their pockets for stock what the result will be in the present case i don't know the new york and rangoon petroleum company when i last knew about it quote still lived unquote they had or said they had bought some land i have not heard of their receiving any oil raised from their own wells they have sent off a monstrous quantity of circulars prospectuses and advertisements they caused a portrait and biography of the honorable a b to be printed in a very respectable periodical and paid five hundred dollars for it they had themselves systematically puffed up to the seventh heaven in a long series of articles in another periodical and paid the owner of it two thousand dollars or so in stock they talk very big about a dividend but although they have received a great deal of money and paid out a great deal i do not know of their paying their stockholders any yet if they should it would not prove much for it is sometimes considered quote a good dodge unquote to declare and pay a large dividend before any real profits have been earned as this is calculated to enhance the price of shares and make them quote go off like hotcakes unquote i shall not make any moral about this story it teaches its own it is a very mild statement of what was done to establish an actual specimen and far from being of the worst description of a great part of the petroleum company enterprises of the day it is whispered that somehow or other the trustees and officers of the new york and rand goon do not own so much stock of their company as they did having managed to have their stock sold to subscribers as if it were company stock if this is so those gentlemen have made their reward sure and mr. peter roliam having the cash in hand for that very liberal allotment of stock which he gave himself for his trouble in getting up the new york and rand goon petroleum company is very likely half or a quarter as rich as he says end of chapter 24 chapter 25 of the humbugs of the world this is a libravox recording all libravox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libravox.org the humbugs of the world by pt barnum money manias chapter 25 chapter 25 the tulip omenia albony the singer had an exquisitely sweet voice but was a very big fat woman somebody accordingly remarked that she was an elephant that had swallowed a nightingale about as in congress is the idea of a nation of damp foggy fat full-figured broad stern gin drinking tobacco smoking dutchman in holland going crazy over a flower but they did so for three or four years together their craze is known in history as a tulip omenia because it was a mania about tulips just a word about the dutchman first these stout old fellows were not only hearty navigators keen discoverers ingenious engineers laborious workmen able financiers shrewd and rich merchants enthusiastic patriots and tremendous fighters but they were eminently distinguished as they still are to a considerable extent by a love of elegant literature poetry painting music and other fine arts including horticulture it was a flaming that invented painting in oils before him white of egg was used or gum water or some such imperfect material for spreading the color erasmus one of the most learned ready-minded active graceful and witty scholars that ever lived was a dutchman all holland and flanders and days when they were richer and stronger compared with the rest of the world than they are now were full of singing societies and musical societies and poetry making societies the universities of leiden and uttric and louvain are of highly ancient and european fame and as for flowers and bulbs in particular holland is a principal home in market of them now more than 200 years after the time i am going to tell of tulips grew wild in southern russia the Crimea and asia minor as potatoes do in peru the first tulip in christian europe was raised in osberg in the garden of a flower loving lawyer one counselor herwart in the year 1559 13 years after luther died this tulip bulb was sent to herwart from constantinople for about 80 years after this flower continually increased in repute and became more and more known and cultivated until the fantastic eagerness of the demand for fine ones and the great prices that they brought resulted in a real mania like that about the morris multicollis or the petroleum mania of today but much more intense it began in the year 1635 and went out with an explosion in the year 1837 this tool of business is i believe the only speculative excitement in history whose subject matter did not even claim to have any real value petroleum is worth some shillings a gallon for actual use for many purposes stocks always claim to represent some real trade or business the morris multicollis was to be as permanent a source of wealth as corn and was expected to produce the well-known mercantile substance of silk but nobody ever pretended that tulips could be eaten or manufactured or consumed in any way of practical usefulness they have not one single quality of the kind termed useful they have nothing desirable except the beauty of a peculiarly short-lived blossom and you can do absolutely nothing with them except to look at them a speculation and them is exactly as reasonable as one in butterflies would be in the course of about one year 1634 to five the tulip frenzy after having increased for 15 or 20 years with considerable speed came to a climax and poisoned the whole dutch nation prices had at the end of the short period risen from high to extravagant and from extravagant to insane high and low counts burgo masters merchants shopkeepers servants shoe blacks all were buying and selling tulips like mad in order to make the commodity of the day accessible to all a new weight was invented called a parrot so small that there were about 8000 of them in one pound ever deploy and a single tulip root weighing from half an ounce to an ounce were contained from 200 to 400 of these parrots thus anybody able to buy a whole tulip could buy a parrot or two and have what the lawyers call an undivided interest in a route this way of owning shows how utterly unreal was a pretended value for imagine taking a small owner and attempting to take his own parents and put them in his pocket he would make a little hole in the tulip root would probably kill it and would certainly obtain a little bit of the utterly worthless pulp for himself and no value at all there was a whole code of business regulations made to meet the peculiar needs of a tulip business besides and in every town there were to be found tulip notaries to conduct the legal part of the business take acknowledgment of deeds note protest etc to say that tulips were worth their weight in gold would be a very small story it would not be a very great exaggeration to say that they were worth their size in diamonds the most valuable species of all was named semper augustus and the bulb of it which way 200 parrots or less than half an ounce ever depoy was thought cheap at 5500 florins a florin may be called about 40 cents so that the little brown route was worth $2,200 or 220 gold eagles which would weigh by a rough estimate eight pounds four ounces or 132 ounces ever depoy thus this half ounce semper augustus was worth i mean he would bring 264 times his weight in gold there were many cases where people invested whole fortunes equal to 40,000 or 50,000 dollars in collections of 40 or 50 tulip roots once there happened to be only two semper augustuses in all holland one in harlem and one in amsterdam the harlem one was sold for 12 acres of building lots and the amsterdam one for a sum equal to 1840 dollars together with a new carriage span of gray horses and double harnesses complete here is a list of merchandise and estimated prices given for one root of the viceroy tulip it is interesting as showing what real merchandise was worth in those days by a cash standard aside from its exhibition of tremendous speculation bedlamism 160 bushels wheat 179 dollars 20 cents 320 bushels rye 223 dollars 20 cents four fat oxen 192 dollars eight fat hogs 96 dollars 12 fat sheep 48 dollars two hogshead wine 28 dollars four tons beer 12 dollars 80 cents two tons butter 76 dollars 80 cents 1000 pounds cheese 48 dollars one bed all complete 40 dollars one suit close 32 dollars a silver drinking cup 24 dollars total exactly 1000 dollars in 1636 regular tulip exchanges were established in the nine dutch towns where the largest tulip business was done and while the gambling was at its intensest the matter was managed exactly as stock gambling is managed on wall street today you went out into the street without only a tulip or a parrot of a tulip in the world and met another fellow with just as many tulips as yourself you talk in banter with him and finally we will suppose you sell short 10 semper augustus's seller three for $2,000 each in all $20,000 this means in ordinary english that without having any tulips i.e short you promise to deliver the 10 roots as above in three days from date now when the three days are up if semper augustus's are worth in the market only $1,500 you could if this were a real transaction buy 10 of them for $15,000 and deliver them to the other gambler for $20,000 thus winning from him the difference of $5,000 but if the roots have risen and are worth $2,500 each then if the transactions were real you would have to pay $25,000 for the 10 roots and could only get $20,000 from the other gambler and he turning round and selling them at the market price would win from you this difference of $5,000 but in fact the transaction was not real it was a stock gambling one neither party owned tulips are meant to or expected the other two and the whole was a pure game of chance or skill to see which should win and which should lose at $5,000 at the end of three days when the time came the affair was settled still without any tulips by the loser paying the difference to the winner exactly as one loses with the other wins at a game of poker or pharaoh of course if you can set afloat a smart lie after making your bargain such as will send prices up or down as your profit requires you make money by it just as stock gamblers do every day in new york london paris and other christian commercial cities while this monstrous dutch gambling fury lasted money was plenty everybody felt rich and holland was in a whiz of wendy delight after about three years of fools paradise people began to reflect that the shuttlecock could not be knocked about in the air forever and that when it came down somebody would be hurt so first one and then another began quietly to sell out and quit the game without buying in again this cautious infection quickly spread like a pestilence as it always does in such cases and became a perfect panic or fright all at once as it were rich people all over holland found themselves with nothing in the world except a pocket full or a garden bed full of flower roots that nobody would buy and that were not good to eat and would not have made more than one terrine of soup if they were of course this state of things caused innumerable bankruptcies corals and refusals to complete bargains everywhere the government and the courts were appealed to but with dutch good sense they refused to enforce gambling transactions and though the cure was very severe because very sudden they preferred to let the bottom drop out of the whole affair at once so it did almost everybody was either ruined or impoverished the very few who had kept any or all of their gains by selling out in season remained so far rich and the vast actual business interest of holland received a damaging check from which it took many years to recover there were some curious incidents in the course of the tulip mania they have been told before but they are worth telling again as the poet says to point the moral or adorn the tale a sailor brought to a rich dutch merchant news of the safe arrival of a very valuable cargo from the levant the old hunks rewarded the mariner for his good tidings with one red herring for breakfast now ben bolt if that was his name perhaps as he was a dutchman it was something like ben j bolt j was very fond of onions and spying one on the counter as he went out of the store he slipped it into his pocket and strolling back to the wharf sat down to an odoriferous breakfast of onions and herring he munched away without finding anything unusual in the flavor until just as he was through down came mr merchant tearing along like a madman at the head of an excited procession of clerks and flying upon the luckless son of nettoon demanded what he carried off besides his herring an onion that i found on the counter where is it give it back instantly just stated up with my herring mine hair wretched merchant in a fury of useless grief he apprised a sailor that a sacrilegious back teeth had demolished a semper augustus valuable enough explain the unhappy old fellow to have feasted the prince of orange and the stockholders whole court thieves he cried out seize the rascal so they did seize him and he was actually tried condemned and imprisoned for some months all of which however did not bring back the tulip root it is a question after all in my mind whether that sailor was really as green as he pretended and whether he did not know very well what he was taking it would have been like a reckless seamen's trick to eat up the old miser's $1,200 root to teach him not to give such stingy gifts next time an english traveler very fond of botany was one day in the conservatory of a rich dutchman when he saw a strange ball of lying on the shelf with that extreme coolness and selfishness which too many travelers have exercised what does he do but take out his pen knife and carefully dissect it peeling off the outer coats and quartering the innermost part making all the time a great many wise observations on a phenomena of a strange new route in came the dutchman all at once and seeing what was going on he asked the englishman with rage in his eyes but with a low bow and that sort of restrained formal civility which sometimes covers the most furious anger if he knew what he was about peeling a very curious onion answered mr traveler as calmly as if one had a perfect right to destroy other people's property to gratify his own curiosity 100,000 devils burst out the dutchman expressing the extent of his anger by the number of evil spirits he invoked it is an admiral van der eck indeed remarked a scientific traveler thank you are there are good many of these admirals in your country and he drew forth his notebook to write down the little fact death and the devil swore the enraged dutchman again come before the syndic and you shall find out all about it so he colored the astounded onion peeler and despite all he could say dragged him straight away before the magistrate where his scientific zeal suffered a dreadful quencher in the shape of an affidavit that the onion was worth 4,000 florins about $1,600 and in the immediate judgment of the court which considered that the prisoner be forthwith clapped into jail until he should give security for the amount he had to do so accordingly and doubtless all his life retained a distaste for dutchman and dutch onions these stories about such monstrous valuations of flower roots recall to my mind another anecdote which I shall tell not because it has anything to do with tulips but because it is about a dutchman and shows in striking contrast an equally low valuation of human life it is this once in a time of peace an english and a dutch admiral met at sea each in his flagship and for some reason or other exchanged complimentary salutes by accident one of the englishman's guns was shotted and misdirected and killed one of the dutch crew on hearing the fact the englishman at once manned a boat and went to apologize to inquire about the poor fellow's family and to send them some money provide for the funeral etc etc as a kind heart of man would naturally do but the dutch commander on meeting him at the quarter deck and learning his errand at once put all his kindly intentions completely one side saying in imperfect english ish no matter ish no matter there's plenty more dutchman in holland end of chapter 25 recording by james christopher jx christopher at yahoo.com chapter 26 of the humbugs of the world this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Linda Dodge the humbugs of the world by P. T. Barnum John Bull's great money humbug the south sea bubble in 1720 chapter 26 the south sea bubble is one of the most startling lessons which history gives us of the ease with which the most monstrous and absurd and wicked humbugs can be crammed down the throat of poor human nature it ought also to be a useful warning of the folly of mere speculation as compared with real business undertakings the history of the south sea bubble has been told before but it is too prominent a case to be entirely passed over it occupied a period of about eight months from february 1st 1720 to the end of the following september it was an unreasonable expansion of the value of the stock in the south sea company this company was formed in 1711 its stock was at first about 30 million dollars subscribed by the public and handed over by the corporators to government to meet certain troublesome public debts in return government guaranteed the stockholders a dividend of six percent and gave the company sundry permanent important duties and a monopoly of all trade to the south pacific or south sea this matter went on with fair success as a money enterprise until the birth of the bubble which was as follows in the end of january 1720 probably in consequence of catching infection from quote laws mississippi scheme in france the south sea company and the bank of england made competing propositions to the english government to repeat the original south sea company financiering plan on a larger scale the proposition of the company which was accepted by government was to assume as before the whole public debt now amounting to over 150 millions of dollars and to be guaranteed at first a five percent dividend and afterward a four percent one to the stockholders by government for this privilege the company agreed to pay outright a bonus of more than 17 million dollars this plan is said to have been originated and principally carried through by sir john blunt one of the company's directors parliament adopted it after two months discussion the bubble having however been swelling monstrously all the time it must be remembered that the wonderful profits expected from the company were to come from their monopoly of south sea trade tremendous stories were told by blunt and his friends who could have hardly believed more than half of their own talk about a free trade with all the spanish pacific colonies the importation of silver and gold from peru and mexico in return for dry goods etc etc all which fine things were going to produce two or three times the amount of the company stock every year when the bill authorizing the arrangement passed south sea stock had already reached a price of four hundred percent the bill was stoutly opposed in parliament by mr afterward sir robert wallpole and a few others but in vain under the operation of the beautiful stories of the speculative blunt and his friends south sea stock after a short lull in april began to rise again and the bubble swelled and swelled in size so monstrous and with colors so gay that it filled the whole horizon of four foolish john bull perfectly turned his bull head and brain and made him for the time absolutely crazy the directors opened books on april 12th for five million pounds of new stock charging however 300 pounds for each share of 100 pounds or 300 percent to begin with double the amount was subscribed in a few days that is john bull subscribed 30 million dollars for 10 millions of stock where only five millions were to be had in a few days more these subscribers were selling at double what they had paid april 21st a 10 percent dividend was voted for mid-summer in a day or two another five million subscription was opened at 400 percent to begin with the whole and half as much more was taken in a few hours in the end of may south sea stock was worth 500 to one on the 28th it was 550 in four days more for some reason or another it jumped to 890 the speculating blunt kept all this time blowing and blowing at his bubble all summer he and his friends blue and blue and all summer the bubble swelled and floated and shone and high and low men and women lords and ladies clergymen princesses and duchesses merchants gamblers tradesmen dressmakers footmen bought and sold in the beginning of august south sea stock stood at 1000 percent it was really worth about 25 percent the crowded in exchange alley the wall street of the day was tremendous so noisy and unmanageable and excited was this mob of greedy fools that the very same stock was sometimes selling 10 percent higher at one end of the alley than at the other the growth of this monstrous noxious bubble hatched out a multitude of young cockatrice's not only was the stock of the india company the bank of england and other sound concerns much increased in price by sympathy with this fury of speculation but a great number of utterly ridiculous schemes and bare-faceded swindles were advertised and successfully imposed on the public any piece of paper purporting to be stopped could be sold for money not the least thought of investigating the solvency of advertisers seems to have occurred to anybody nor was any rank free from the poison almost a hundred projects were before the public at once some of them incredibly brazen humbugs there were schemes for a wheel for perpetual motion capital five million dollars for trading in hair for wigs in those days quote a big thing for furnishing funerals to any part of britain for quote improving the art of making soap unquote for importing walnut trees from virginia capital ten million dollars for ensuring against losses by servants capital fifteen million dollars for making quicksilver malleable quote puckles machine company unquote for just charging cannonballs and bullets both round and square and so on one colossal genius in humbugging actually advertised in these words quote a company for carrying on an undertaking of great advantage but nobody to know what it is unquote the capital he called for was tooth million five hundred thousand in shares of five hundred dollars each deposit on subscribing ten dollars per share each subscriber was promised five hundred dollars per share per annum and full particulars were to be given in a month when the rest of the subscription was to be paid this great financier having put forth his prospectus opened his office in corn hill the next morning at nine o'clock crowds pressed upon him at three p.m. john bull had paid this immense humbug ten thousand dollars being deposits on a thousand shares subscribed for that night the financier a shrewd man modestly retired to an unknown place upon the continent and was never heard of again another humbug almost as preposterous was that of the quote globe permits unquote these were square pieces of playing cards with a seal on them having the picture of the globe tabern and with the words quote sailcloth permits unquote what they quote permitted unquote was a subscription at some future period to a sailcloth factory projected by a certain capitalist these permits sold at one time for three hundred dollars each but the more sensible members of government soon exerted their influence against these lesser and more palpable humbugs some accounts say that the south sea company itself grew jealous for it was reckoned that these quote side shows unquote called for a total amount of one billion five hundred million dollars and itself took legal means against them at any rate an order in council was published preemptorily dismissing and dissolving them all during august it leaked out that sir john blunt and some other quote insiders unquote had sold out their sassy stock there was also some charges of unfairness in managing subscriptions after so long and so intense and excitement the time for reaction and collapse was come the price of stock began to fall in spite of all that the directors could do september second it was down to seven hundred a general meeting of the company was held to try to whitewash matters but in vain the stock fell fell fell the great humbug had received its death blow thousands of families saw beggary staring them in the face grasping them with its iron hand the consternation was inexpressible out of it a great popular rage began to flame up just as fires often break out among the prostrate houses of a city ruined by an earthquake efforts were meanwhile vainly made to stay the ruin by help from the bank of england bankers in gold smiths then often doing a banking business abscounded daily business corporations failed credit was almost paralyzed in the end of september the stock fell to 175 150 135 meanwhile violent riots were feared sassy directors could not be seen in the streets without being insulted the king then in handover was imperatively sent for home and had to come so extensive was the misfortune and wrath of the people so numerous the public meetings and petitions from all over the kingdom that parliament found it necessary to grant the public demand and to initiate a formal inquiry into the whole enterprise this was done and the foolish swindled disappointed angry nation through this proceeding vented all the wrath that could upon the persons in the states of the managers and officers of the south sea company they were forbidden to leave the kingdom their property was sequestrated they were placed in custody and examined those of them in parliament were insulted there to their faces several of them expelled and most violent charges made against them all a secret investigating committee was set to rip up the whole affair night the treasurer who possessed all the dangerous secrets of the concern ran away to collay and the continent and so escaped the books were found to have been either destroyed secretive or mutilated and garbled stock bribes of 250 000 dollars 150 000 dollars 50 000 dollars had been paid to the earl of sunderland the duchess of kendall the king's favorite mr crags one of the secretaries of state and others mr isleby the chancellor of the x checker had accumulated four million two hundred and fifty thousand dollars and more out of the business many other noblemen gentlemen and reputable merchants were disgracefully involved the trials that were had resulted in the imprisonment expulsion or degradation of asla b crags sir george coswell a banker and member of the house and others blunt a mr stanhope and a number more of the chief criminals were stripped of their wealth amounting to from 135 000 to 1.2 million dollars each and the proceeds used for the partial relief of the ruined except amounts left to the culprits to begin the world anew blunt the chief of all the swindlers was stripped of about 925 thousand dollars and allowed only five thousand dollars by this means and by the use of such actual property as the company did possess about one third of the money lost by its means was ultimately paid to the losers it was a long time however before the tone of public credit was thoroughly restored the history of the south sea bubble should always stand as a beacon to warn us that reckless speculation is the bane of commerce and that the only sure method of gaining a fortune and certainly of enjoying it is to diligently prosecute some legitimate calling which like the quality of mercy is quote twice blessed unquote every man's occupation should be beneficial to his fellow man as well as profitable to himself all else is vanity and folly end of chapter 26 chapter 27 of the humbugs of the world this is a labor box recording all labor box recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit labor box dot org recording by Linda Dodge the humbugs of the world by P. T. Barnum chapter 27 business humbugs john law the mississippi scheme johnny crappard as greedy as johnny bull in the quote good old times unquote people were just as eager after money as they are now and a great deal more vulgar unscrupulous and foolish in their endeavors to get it during about 200 years after the discovery of america that continent was a constant source of great and little money humbugs the spaniards in the portuguese and french and english all insisted upon thinking that america was chiefly made of gold perhaps believing as the man said about colorado that the hardship of the place was you have to dig through three or four feet of solid silver before the gold could be reached this curious delusion is shown by the fact that the early charters of lands in america so uniformly reserved to the king his proportion of all gold and silver that should be found and if gold were not to be had these lazy europeans were equally crazy about the rich merchandise which they made sure a finding in the vast and solitary american mountains and forests in a previous letter i have shown how one of those delusions about the unbounded wealth to be obtained from the countries on the south sea caused the english south sea bubble a similar belief at the same time in the neighboring country of france formed the airy basis of a similar business humbug even more gigantic noxious and destructive this was john law's mississippi scheme of which i shall give an account in this chapter it was i think the greatest business humbug of history law was a scotchman shrewd and able a really good financier for those days but vicious a gambler unprincipled and liable to wild schemes he had possessed a good deal of property and had traveled and gambled all over europe was witty entertaining and capital company and had become a favorite with the duke of orleans and other french nobles when the duke became regent of france at the death of louis the 14th in 1715 that country was horribly in death and its people in much misery owing to the costly wars and flame taxation of the late king when therefore law came to paris with a promising scheme of finance in his hand the regent was particularly glad to see him both as financier and as friend the regent quickly fell in with law's plans and in the spring of 1716 the first step not however so intended at the time toward the mississippi scheme was taken that was the establishment by royal authority of the banking firm of law and company consisting of law and his brother this banked by judicious organization and issue of paper money quickly began to help the distressed finances of the kingdom and to invigorate trade and commerce this success which seems to have been an entirely sound and legitimate business success made one sadly mistaken but very deep impression upon the ignorant and shallow mind of the regent of france which was the foundation of all the subsequent trouble the regent became firmly convinced that if a certain quantity of bank bills could do so much good a hundred thousand times as many bills would surely do a hundred thousand times as much that is he thought printing and issuing the bills was creating money he paid no regard to the need of providing specie for them on demand but thought that he had an unlimited money factory in the city of paris so far so good next law planned and with the ever ready consent of the regent effected an enlargement of the business of his bank based on that delusion i spoke of about america this enlargement was the formation of the mississippi company and this was the contrivance which swelled into so tremendous a humbug the company was closely connected with the banks and received to begin with the monopoly of all trade to the mississippi river and all the country west of it it was expected to obtain vast quantities of gold and silver from that region and thus to make immense dividends on its stock at home it was to have the sole charge of collecting all the taxes and coining all the money stock was issued to the amount of one hundred thousand shares at two hundred dollars five hundred levers each and laws helped to the government funds was continued by permitting the stock to be paid for in those funds at their par value though worth in market only about a third of it subscriptions came in rapidly for the french community was far more ignorant about commercial affairs finances and the real resources of distant regions than we can easily conceive of nowadays and not only the regent but every man woman and child of france except a very few tough and hard-headed old skeptics believed every word law said and would have believed him if he had told stories a hundred times as incredible well pretty soon the regent gave the associates the bank and the company two other monopolies that of tobacco always monstrously profitable and that of refining gold and silver pretty soon again he created the bank a state institution by the magnificent name of the royal bank of france having done this the regent could control the bank in spite of law or order either for in those days the kings of france were almost perfectly despotic and the regent was acting king i have mentioned the regents terrible delusion about paper money no sooner had he the bank in his power than he added to the reasonable and useful total of the 12 million dollars of notes already out a monstrous issue of 200 million dollars worth in one vast match with the firm conviction that he was thus adding so much to the par currency of france the parliament of france a body mostly of lawyers originating in the middle ages a steady conservative wise and brave assembly was always hostile to law and his schemes when this great expansion of paper currency began the parliament made a resolute fight against it petitioning ordaining threatening to hang law and frightening him well too for the thorough enmity of an assembly of old lawyers may well frighten anybody at last the regent by the use of the despotic power of which the kings of france had so much reduced these old fellows to silence by sticking a few of them in jail the cross grain parliament thus disposed of everything was quickly made to quote look lovely in the beginning of 1719 more grants were made to laws associated concerns the mississippi company was granted the monopoly of all trade to the east indies china the south seas and all the territories of the french india company and of the senegal company it took a new and imposing name quote the company of the indies unquote they had already by the way also obtained the monopoly of the canada beaver trade of this colossal corporation monopolizing the whole foreign commerce of france with two-thirds or more of the world its whole hem finances and other important interest besides fifty thousand new shares were issued as before at one hundred dollars each these might be bought as before with government securities at par law was so bold as to promise annual dividends of twenty dollars per share which as a government fund stood was one hundred and twenty percent per annum everybody believed him more than three hundred thousand applications were made for the new shares law was besieged in his house by more than twice as many people as general grant had to help him take richmond the great humbug was at last in full buzz the street where the wonderful scotchman lived was busy filled crowded jammed and choked dangerous accidents happened in it every day from the excessive pressure from the princes of the blood down to cobblers and lackeys all men and all women crowded and crowded to subscribe their money and to pay their money and to know how many shares they had gotten law moved to a roomier street and the crazy mob crowded harder than ever so that the chancellor who held his court of law hard by could not hear his lawyers a tremendous uproar surely that could drown the voices of those gentlemen and so he moved again to the great hotel de sausson a vast palace with a garden of some acres fantastic circumstances variegated the wild rush of speculation the haughtiest of the nobility rented mean rooms near law's abode to be able to get at him rinse in his neighborhood rose to twelve and sixteen times their usual amount a cobbler whose lines have fallen in those pleasant places made forty dollars a day by letting his stall and furnishing writing materials to speculators thieves and disreputable characters of all sorts flock to this concourse there were riots and quarrels all the time they often had to send a trip of cavalry to clear the street at night gamblers posted themselves with their implements among the speculators who gambled harder than the gamblers and took an occasional turn at roulette by way of slackening the excitement as people go to sleep or go into the country a hunchback fella made a good deal of money by letting people write on his back when law had moved into the hotel de sausson the former owner the prince d caragon reserved his gardens procured an edict confining all stock dealings to that place put up five hundred tents there leased them at five hundred levers a month each and thus made money at the rate of fifty thousand dollars a month there were just two of the aristocracy who were sensible and resolute enough not to speculate in the stock the duke d saint simon and the old marshal veillards law became infinitely the most important person in the kingdom great and small male and female high and low haunted his offices and anti chambers hunted him down plagued his very life out to get a moment's speech with him and get him to enter their names as buyers of stock the highest nobles would wait half a day for the chance his servants received great sums to announce some visitor's name ladies of the highest rank gave him anything he would ask of them for leave to buy stock one of them made her coachman upset her out of her carriage as law came by to get a word with him he helped her up and she got the word and bought some stock another lady ran into the house when he was at dinner and raised a cry of fire the rest ran out but she ran further in to reach law who saw what she was at and like a pecuniary joseph ran away as fast as he could as the frenzy rose toward its height and the regent took advantage of it to issue stock enough to pay the whole of national debt namely 300 000 new shares at a thousand dollars each or a thousand percent in the par value they were instantly taken three times as many would have been instantly taken so violent were the changes of the market that the shares rose or fell 20 percent within a few hours a servant was sent to sell 250 shares of stock found on reaching the gardens of the hotel des soissons that since he left his master's house the price had risen from 1600 dollars par value 100 remember to 2000 dollars the servant sold gave his master the proceeds at 1600 dollars a share and put the remaining 100 000 in his own pocket and left france that evening law's coachman became so rich that he left service and set up his own coach and when his master asked him to find a successor he brought two candidates and told law to choose and he would take the other himself there were many absurd cases of vulgarians made rich there were also many robberies and murders that committed by the county horn one of the higher nobility and two accomplices is a famous case the count a dissipated rascal punyarded a broker in a tavern for the money the broker carried with him but he was taken and in spite of the utmost and most determined exertions of the nobility the regent had him broken on the wheel in public like any other murderer the stock of the company of the indies though it dashed up and down 10 and 20 percent from day to day was from the first immensely inflated in august 17 19 it sold at 610 percent in a few weeks more it arose to 1200 percent all winter it still went up until in april 1720 it stood at 2050 percent that is one $100 share would sell for $2050 at this extreme point of inflation the bubble stood a little shining splendidly as bubbles do when they are nearest bursting and then it received two or three quiet pricks the princely conty enraged because law would not send him some shares on his own terms sent three wagon loads of bills to law's bank demanding specie law paid it and complained to the regent who made him put two-thirds of it back again a shrewd stock gambler through specie by small sums until he had about $200,000 in coin unless he should be forced to return it he packed it in a cart covered it with manure put on a peasant's disguise and carted his fortune over the frontiers into belgium some others quietly realized their means in like manner by driblets and funded them abroad by such means coin gradually grew very scarce and signs of a panic appeared the regent tried to adjust matters by a decree that coin should be 5% less than paper as much as to say it is hereby enacted that there is a great deal more coin than there is this did not serve and the regent decreed again that coin should be worth 10% less than paper then he decreed that the bank must not pay more than $22 at once in specie and finally by a bold stretch of his authority he issued an edict that no person should have over $100 in coin on pain of fine and confiscation these odious laws made a great deal of trouble spying and distress and rapidly aggravated the difficulty they were meant to cure the price of shares in the great company began to fall steadily and rapidly law and the regent began to be universally hated cursed and threatened various foolish and vain attempts were made to stay the coming ruin by renewing the stories about louisiana sending out a lot of conscripted laborers ordering that all payments must be in paper and printing a new batch of notes to the amount of another 300 million dollars laws two corporations were also doctored in several ways the distress and fright grew worse an edict was issued that laws notes and shares should depreciate gradually by law for a year and then be worth but half their face this made such a tumult and outcry that the regent had to retract it in seven days on this seventh day laws banks stopped paying specie law was turned out of his public employments but still well treated by the regent in private he was however mobbed and stoned in his coach in the street and had to have a company of swiss guards in his house and at last had to flee to the regents own palace i have not space to describe in detail the ruin misery tumults loss and confusion which attended the speedy descent of law's paper and shares to entire worthlessness thousands of families were made paupers and trade and commerce destroyed by the painful process law himself escaped out of france poor and after another obscure and disreputable career of gambling died in poverty at venice in 1729 thus this enormous business humbug first raised a whole nation into a fool's paradise of imaginary wealth and then exploded leaving its projector and many thousands of victims ruined the country disturbed and distressed long enduring consequences in vicious and lawless and unsteady habits contracted while the delusion lasted and no single benefit except one more most dearly bought lesson of the wicked folly of mere speculation without a real business basis and a real business method let not this lesson be lost on the rampant and half-crazed speculators of the present day those who buy gold or flour leather butter dry goods groceries hardware or anything else on speculation when prices are inflated far beyond the ordinary standard are taking upon themselves great risk for the bubble must eventually be pricked and whoever is the holder when that time comes must necessarily be the loser end of chapter 27 chapter 28 of the humbugs of the world this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Abayi in September 2009 the humbugs of the world by P. T. Barnum part 5 medicine and quacks chapter 28 doctors and imagination firing a joke out of a cannon the Paris eye water margin d on medical knowledge old sands of life medical humbugs constitute a very critical subject indeed because I shall be almost certain to offend some of three parties concerned namely physicians quacks and patients but it will never do to neglect so important the division of my whole theme as this to begin with it is necessary to suggest in the most delicate manner in the world that there is a small infusion of humbug among the very best of the regular practitioners these gentlemen for whose learning kind-heartedness self-devotion and skill I entertain a profound respect make use of what I may call the gaseous element of their practice not for the lucrative gain but in order to enlist the imaginations of their patients in aid of nature and great remedies the stories are infinite in number which illustrate the force of imagination ranging through all the greats of mental action from the loft divisions of good men who dream of seeing heaven open to them and all its ineffable glories and delights down to the low comedy conceit of the fellow who put the smoke tearing into the tail of his coat and imagined himself a mermaid probably however imagination displays its real power more wonderfully in the operations of the mind on the body that holds it than anywhere else it is true that there are some people even so utterly without imagination that they cannot take a joke such as that grave man of scotland who was at last plainly told by a funny friend quite out of patience why you wouldn't take a joke if it were fired at you out of a cannon sir replied to scott with sound reasoning and grave thought sir you're absurd you cannot fire a joke out of a cannon but to return it is certainly the case that frequently the doctor takes great care not to let the patient know what is the matter and even not to let him know what he is swallowing this is because a good many people if at a critical point of disease may be made to turn toward health if made to believe that they are doing so but would be frightened in the literal sense of the words to death if told what a dangerous state they are in one sort of regular practice humbug is rendered necessary by the demands of the patients this is giving good big doses of something with a horrid smell and taste there are plenty of people who don't believe the doctor does anything to earn his money if he does not pour down some dirty brown or black stuff very nasty in flavor some still more exacting wish for that sort of testimony which depends on internal convulsions and will not be satisfied unless they suffer tommens and expelled stuff enough to quiet the inside of mount visuvius or popocate petal he's a good doctor was the verdict of one of this class of leather bald fellows he'll work your innards for you it is a milder form of the same method to give what the learned faculty term a placebo this is a thing in the outward form of medicine but quite harmless in itself such as a bread pill for instance or a jolt of colored water with a little disagreeable taste in it these will often keep the patient's imagination headed in the right direction while good old dame nature is quietly mending up the damages in the soul's dark cottage one might almost fancy that in proportion as the physician is more skillful by so much he gives less medicine and relies more on imagination nature and above all regimen and nursing here is a story in point there was an old gentleman in paris who saw the famous eye water and made much gain thereby he died however one fine day and unfortunately forgot to leave the recipe on record his disconsolid widow continued the business at the old stand however to quote another characteristic french anecdote and being a woman of ready and decisive mind she very quietly filled the vials with water from the river sin and lived respectively on the proceeds finding to her great relief that the eye water was just as good as ever at last however she found herself about to die and under the stings of an accusing conscience she confessed her trick to her physician an eminent member of the profession be entirely easy madam said the wise man don't be troubled at all you are the most innocent physician in the world you have done nobody any harm it is an old and illiberal joke to compare medicine to war on the ground that the votaries of both seek to destroy life it is however not far from the truth to say that they are alike in this that they are both preeminently liable to mistakes and that in both he is most successful who makes the fewest how can it be otherwise until we know more than we do at present of the great mysteries of life and death it seems risky enough to permit the wisest and most experienced physician to touch those springs of life which god only understands and it is enough to make the most stupid stare to see how people will let the most disguised quack jangle their very hard strings with his poisonous messes about as soon as if he were the best doctor in the world a true physician indeed does not hasten to drug the great french surgeon mahjong d is even said to have commenced his official course of lectures on one occasion by cooly saying to his students gentlemen the curing of disease is a subject that physicians know nothing about this was doubtless an extreme way of putting the case yet it was in a certain sense exactly true there is one of the gazers in iceland into which visitors throw pebbles or turfs with the invariable result of causing the disgusted gazer in a few minutes to vomit the dose out again along with a great quantity of hot water steam and stuff now the doctor does know that some of his doses are pretty sure to work as the traveler knows that his dose will work on the gazer it is only the exact how and why that is not understood but however mysterious is nature however ignorant the doctor however imperfect the present state of physical science the patronage and the success of quacks and quackeries are infinitely more wonderful than those of honest and laborious men of science and their careful experiments i have come about to the end of my teeth are for this time and quackery is something two monstrous in dimensions as well as character to be dealt with in a paragraph but i may with propriety put one quack at a tail of this letter it is but just that he should let decent people go before him i mean old sands of life everybody has seen his advertisement beginning a retired physician whose sands of life have nearly run out etc and everybody almost knows how kind the fellow is in sending gratis his recipe all that is necessary is as you find out when you get the recipe to buy at a high price from him one ingredient which he says you can get nowhere else this swindling scamp is in fact a smart brisk fellow of about 35 years of age notwithstanding the length of time during which to use a funny phrase which somebody got up for him he has been afflicted with a loose tailboard to his mortal sand card some benvolent friend was so much distressed about the feebleness of old sands of life as to send him one day a large parcel by express marked cod and costing quite a figure old sands paid and opening the parcel found half a bushel of excellent sand end of chapter 28 chapter 29 of the humbugs of the world this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Abai in september 2009 the humbugs of the world by P.T. Barnum chapter 29 the consumptive remedy E. Andrews M.D. born without birth rights hashish candy robac the great a conjura opposed to lying there is a fellow in Williamsburg who calls himself a clergyman and sells a consumptive remedy by which I suppose he means a remedy for consumption it is a mere slop corked in a vial but there are a good many people who are silly enough to buy it off him a certain gentleman during last november earnestly sought an interview with this reverent brother in the interests of humanity but he was as inaccessible as a chipmunk in a stone fence the gentleman wrote a polite note to the nave asking about prices and received the printed circular in return stating in an affecting manner the good man's grief at having to raise his pricing consequence of the cost of gold with which I am obliged to buy my medicines said he in Paris this was both sad and unsatisfactory and the gentleman went over to Williamsburg to seek an interview and find out all about the prices he reached the abode of the man of piety but strange to relate he wasn't at home gentleman waited reverent brother kept on not being at home when gentlemen had waited to his entire satisfaction he came back it is understood it is practically out of the question to see the reverent brother perhaps he is so modest and shy that he will not encounter the clamorous gratitude which would obstruct his progress through the streets from the millions saved by his consumptive remedy it is a pity that the reverent man cannot enjoy the still more complete seclusion by which the state of new york testifies its appreciation of unobstructive and retiring virtues like his in the salubrious and quiet town of sing sing a quack in an inland city who calls himself e andrews md princess semi-occasional document in the form of a periodical of which a copy is lying before me it is an awful hodgepodge of perfect nonsense and vulgar rascality he calls it the good Samaritan and domestic physician and this number is called volume 20 only think what a great man we have among us unless the doctor himself is mistaken he says i will hear states that i have been favored by nature and providence in gaining access to stores of information that has fell to the lot of but very few persons here too for during the past history of mankind evidently these stores were so vast that the great doctor's brain was stuffed too full to have room left for english grammar shortly the doctor thus burst forth again with some views having their own merits but not such as concerned the healing art very directly the automaton powers of machinery there's a new style of machinery you observe must be made to work for instead of us now against mankind the land of all nations must be made free to actual settlers in limited quantities no one must be born without his birthright being born with him the italics etc are the doctors what an awful thought is this of being born without any birthright or as the doctor leaves us to suppose possible having one's birthright born first and dodging about the world like a stray cannery bird while the unhappy and belated owner tries in vain to put salt on its tail and catch it well this wise acre after his potentous introduction fills the rest of his 16 loosely printed double-columned octavo pages with a foray go of the most indescribable character made up of brags lies promises forged recommendations and letters boasts of systematic charity funny scraps of stuff in the form of little disquisitions advertisements of remedies hair oils cosmetics liquors groceries this till killers anti-bug mixtures recipes for soap ink honey and the old harry only knows what the fellow gives a list of 71 specific diseases for which his hashish candy is a sure cure and he adds that it is also a sure cure for all diseases of the liver brain throat stomach ear and other internal disorders also for all long-standing diseases whatever that means and for insanity in this monstrous list are jumbled together the most incongruous troubles bleeding at the nose and abortions worms fits poisons and cramps and the impudent liar quotes general grant general Mitchell the rebel general Lee general McClellan and dr. Mott of this city all shouting in chorus the praises of the hashish candy next comes the secret of beauty a preparation of turkish roses then a lot of forged references and an assertion that the doctor gives to the poor five thousand pounds of bread every winter then some fearful denunciations of the regular doctors but as the auctioneer say i can't dwell i will only add that the real villainy of this fellow only appears here and there where he advertises the means of ruining innocence or of indulging with impunity in the foulest vices he will sell for three dollars thirty the mystic weird ring in a chapter of infamous plethora of skyte about this ring he says the wearer can drive from or draw to him anyone and for any purpose whatever i need not explain what the scoundrel means he also will sell the professed means of robbery and swindling saying that he is prepared to show how to remove papers wills titles notes etc from one place to another by invisible means he is a wonder that the bank of commerce can keep any securities in his vaults of course but enough of this degraded pandora to crime and folly he is beneath notice so far as he himself concerned i devote the space to him because it is well worthwhile to understand how base and impostor can draw a steady revenue from a nation boasting so much culture and intelligence as ours it is also worth considering whether the authorities must not be remiss who permit such odious deceptions to be constantly perpetrated upon the public i ought here to give a paragraph to the great cw roback one of whose astrological almanacs is before me this eroded production is embellished in front with a picture of the doctor and his six brothers for he is the seventh son of a seventh son the six elder brethren nice enough boys stand submissively around their gigantic and bearded junior reaching only to his waist and gazing up at him with reverence as the chiefs of joseph brethren worshiped his chief in his dreams at the end is a picture of magnus roback the grandfather of cw a bullheaded and the old dutchman with the globe and compasses this picture by the way is in fact a cheap likeness of the old discoverers or geographers within the book we find gustavo's roback the father of cw for whom is used to cut of jupiter or some other heathen god half naked a straddle of an eagle with a hook in one hand and a quadrant in the other which is very much like the picture by one of the old masters of abraham about to offer up isaac and taking a long aim at the poor boy with the flintlock horse pistol dr. roback is good enough to tell us where his brothers are one a high officer in the empire of china another a catholic bishop in the city of rome and so on there is also a cut of his sister whom he cured of consumption she is represented talking to her bird after the fashion of her country when a maiden is unexpectedly rescued from the jaws of death roback cures all sorts of diseases discover stolen property ensures children of marriage and so on all by means of conjurations he also casts nativities and foretells future events and he shows in full how bernard dot louis philippe and napoleon bonaparte either did well or would have done well by following his advice the chief peculiarity of this imposter is that he really avoids direct pandering to vice and crime and even makes it a specialty to cure drunkenness and of all things in the world lying on this point roback gives in full the certificate of mrs. abigle morgan whose daughter amanda was solely given to fibbing in so much that she would rather lie than speak the truth and the delighted mother certifies that our friend and wizard so changed the nature of the girl that to the best of our knowledge and belief she has never spoken anything but the truth since there is a conjurer as is a conjurer what an uproar the incantation of the great roback would make if said fairly to work among the politicians for instance but after all on second thoughts what a horrible mass of abominations would they lie bare in telling the truth about each other all around no no it won't do to have the truth coming out in politics at any rate away with roback i will not give him another word not a single chance not even to explain his great power over what he calls fits fits fits fits fits end of chapter 29 chapter 30 of the humbugs of the world this is a librivox recording all librivox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit librivox.org recording by avaii in september 2009 the humbugs of the world by pt barnum chapter 30 monsignore christopher orishio or il crezo the nostrum vendor of florans a model for our quake doctors every visitor to florans during the last 20 years must have noticed on the grand piazza before the ducal palace the strange genius known as monsignore crezo or in plain english mr croesus he is so called because of his reputed grand wealth but his real name is christopher orishio which i may again translate as christopher risk mrs browning refers to him in one of her poems the casaguidi windows i think and he has also been the staple of a tale by one of the trolper brothers twice every week he comes into the city in a strange vehicle drawn by two fine lombardy ponies and unharnesses them in the very center of the square his assistant a capital vocalist begins to sing immediately and the crowd soon collects around the wagon then monsignore takes from the box beneath his seat a splendidly joined human skeleton which he suspends from a tall rod and hook and also a number of human skulls the letter are carefully arranged on an adjustable shelf and crezo takes his place behind them while in his rear a perfect chemist's shop of flasks bottles and pill boxes is disclosed very soon his singer seizes and in the purist tuscan dialect the very utterance of witch's music the florentine quake doctor proceeds to address the assemblage not being conversant with the italian i am only able to give the substance of his harangue and pronounce indifferently upon the merit of his elocution i am assured however that not only the common people who are his chief patrons but numbers of the most intelligent citizens are always entertained by what he has to say and certainly his gestures and style of expression seem to betray great excellence of oratory having turned the skeleton round and round on its pivot and minutely explained the various anatomical parts in order to show his proficiency in the basis of medical science he next lifts the skulls one by one and discounts upon their relative perfection throwing in a shrewd anecdote now and then as to the life of the original owner of each cranium one skull for example he asserts to have belonged to a lunatic who wanted for half a lifetime in the val dema subsisting precariously upon entirely vegetable food roots herbs and the like another is the superior part of a convict hung in arezzo for numerous offenses a third is that of a very old man who lived a celibate from his youth up and by his abstinence and goodness exercised an almost priestly influence upon the burguesa when by this miscellaneous lecture he has both amused and edified his hearers he ingenuously turns the discourse upon his own life and finally introduces the subject of the marvelous cures he has affected the story of his medical preparations alone their components and method of distillation is a fine piece of popularized art and he gives a practical exemplification of his skill and their virtues by calling from the crowd successively a number of invalid people whom he examines and prescribes for on the spot whether these subjects are provided by himself or not i am unable to decide but it is very possible that by a long experience christopher who has no regular diploma has mastered the simpler elements of materia medica and does in reality affect cures i class him among what are popularly known as humbugs however for he is a pretender to more wisdom than he possesses it was to me a strange and suggestive scene the bald big nose to call i charlatan standing in the marketplace so celebrated in history peering through his gold spectacles at the upturned faces below him while the bony skeleton at his sides weighed in the wind and the grinning skulls below made grotesque faces as if laughing at the gullibility of the people behind him loomed up the massive palazzo vecchio with its high tower sharply cut and set with deep monkey collations to the left the splendid lodger of organia filled with rare marbles and the long picture gallery of the uffizi heaped with the rarest art treasures of the world to his right the giant fountain of amanato throwing jets of pure water one drop of which outvalues all the nostrums in the world and in front the post office built centuries before by peasant captives if any of these things moved the imperturbable crazo he showed no feeling of the sort but for three long hours two days in the week held his hideous clinic in the open daylight seeing the man so often and interested always in his manner as much so indeed as the peasants or contadini who bought his vials and pillboxes without stint i became interested to know the main features of his life and by the aid of a friend got some clues which i think reliable enough to publish i do so the more willingly because his career is illustrative after an odd fashion of contemporary italian life he was the son of a small farmer not far from siena and grew up in daily contact with wine dresses and olive gatherers living upon the hard tusk and fear of macaroni and maroon nuts with the cutlet of lean mutton once a day and the pint of sour tusk and wine being tolerably well educated for a peasant boy he imbibed a desire for the profession of an actor and studied alfieri closely some little notoriety that he gained by recitations led him in an evil hour to venture an appearance en grande rol in florans at a third rate theater his father had meanwhile deceased and left him the property but to make the debut referred to he sold almost his entire inheritance as may be supposed his failure was signal however easy he had founded to amuse the rough untutored peasantry of his neighborhood the test of a large and polished city was beyond his merit so poor and abashed he sang to the lower walks of dramatic art singing in choruses at the opera playing minor parts in showpieces and all the while feeling the sting of disappointed ambition and half-deserved penuri one day found him at the beginning of winter without work and without a solder in his pocket passing a druggist's shop he saw a placard asking for men to sell a certain new preparation the druggist advanced him a small sum for traveling expenses and he took to peripathetic lectures at once going into the country and haranguing at all the villages here he found his dramatic education available though not good enough for an actor he was sufficiently clever for a nomadic eulogizer of a patent medicine his vocal abilities were also of service to him in gathering the people together the great secret of success in anything is to get a hearing half the object is gained when the audience is assembled well poor vagabond peddling christopher risk selling so much for another party conceived the idea of becoming his own capitalist he resolved to prepare a medicine of his own and profiting by the assistance of a young medical student obtained bona fide prescriptions for the commonest maladies these he had made up in gross originated labels for them and concealing the real essences thereof by certain harmless adulterations began to advertise himself as the discoverer of a panacea to gain no ill will among the priests whose influence is paramount with the peasantry he dexterously threw in a reverent word for them in his nomadic herrings and now and then made a sounding present to the church he profited also by the superstitions abroad and to the skill of Hippocrates added the roguery of simon magus by report he was both a magician and a physician and a nag that he had of slight of hand was not the least influential of his virtues his bodily prowess was as great as his suppleness one day at fier soler a foreign doctor presumed to challenge Monsignore to a debate and the offer was accepted while the two stood together in christopher's wagon and the intruder was haranguing the people the quag without a movement of his face or a twitch of his body jerked his foot against his rival's leg and threw him to the ground he had the effrontery to proclaim defeat as magnetic entirely accomplished without bodily means and by virtue of his black art acquirements and all fell upon the listeners and they refused to hear the checkmate it disputed further as soon as christopher began to thrive he indulged his dramatic taste by purchasing a superb wagon team and equipments and hired a servant such a turnout had never been seen in Tuscany since the medician days it gained for him the name of crezor straightway and enabling him to travel more rapidly enlarged his business sphere and so vastly increased his profits he arranged regular days and hours for each place in Tuscany and soon became as widely known as the grand duke himself when it was known that he had bought an old casket ponta sieve on the banks of the arno his reputation still further increased he was now so prosperous that he set the faculty at defiance he proclaimed that they were jealous of his profounder learning and threatened to expose the banefulness of their systems at the same time his talk to the common people began to saviour of patronage and this also enhanced his reputation it is much better as a rule to call attention up to you rather than charity down to you the shrewd impostor became also more absolute now it was known that the grand duke had once asked him to dine and that monsignore had the hardyhood to refuse indeed he sympathized too greatly with the aroused italian spirit of unity and progress to compromise himself with the house of austria when at last the revolution came christopher was one of its best champions in tuscany his cantata sang only the march of caribaldi and the victories of savoy his own speeches teamed with the gospel of italy regenerated and for a whole month he wasted no time in the sale of his botigeas and pilolas but through all his vehement persuasive and dramatic eloquence into the popular cause the end we know tuscany is a ducatum no longer but a component part of a great peninsular kingdom with florans to beautiful for its capital and still before the ducal palace where the deputies of italy are to assemble poor vain christopher odiscio makes his harangue every tuesday and saturday he is now or it was four years ago upward of 60 years of age but spirited and athletic as ever and so rich that it would be superfluous for him to continue his peripatetic career his life is to me noteworthy as showing what may be gained by concentrating even humble energies upon a paltry thing had crese persevered as well upon the stage i do not doubt that he would have made a splendid actor if he did so well with the mianostrum why should he not have gained riches and a less grotesque fame by the sale of a better article he understood human nature its credulities and incredulities its superstitions tastes changefulness and love of display and excitement he has done no harm and given as much amusement as he has been paid for indeed i consider him more an ornamental and useful character than otherwise he has brightened many a traveler's recollections relieved the tedium of many a weary hour in a foreign city and with all his deception has never severed himself from the popular faith nor sold out a popular cause i dare say his death when it occurs will cause more sensation and evoke more tears than that of any better physician in tuscany end of chapter 30 chapter 31 of the humbugs of the world this is a libravox recording all libravox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libravox.org recording by linda fergusson the humbugs of the world by pt barnum the 27th street ghost spirits on the rampage chapter 31 in classing the ghost excitement that agitated our good people to such an extent some two years ago among the humbugs of the age i must at the outset remind my readers that there was no little accumulation of what is termed respectable testimony as to the reality of his ghost ship in 27th street one fine sunday morning in the early part of 1863 my friends of the sunday mercury astonished their many thousands of patrons with an account that had been brought to them of a fearful specter that had made its appearance in one of the best houses in 27th street the narrative was detailed with circumstantial accuracy and yet with an apparent discreet reserve that gave the finishing touch of delightful mystery to the story the circumstances as set forth in the opening letter for many others followed were briefly these a highly respectable family residing on 27th street one of our handsome uptown thoroughfares became aware toward the close of the year 1862 that something extraordinary was taking place in their house then one of the best in the neighborhood sundry mutterings and whisperings began to be heard among the servants employed about the domicile and after a little while it became almost impossible to induce them to remain there for love or money the visitors of the family soon began to notice that their calls which formerly were so welcome particularly among the young people of the establishment seemed to give embarrassment and that the smiles that greeted them as early as seven in the evening gradually gave place to uneasy gestures and finally to positive hints at the lateness of the hour or the fatigue of their host by nine o'clock the head of the family was a plain matter of fact old gentleman by no means likely to give way to any superstitious terrors one of your hard headed businessmen who poo poo demons hobgoblins and all other kinds of spirits except the purist santa cruise and genuine and older otard and he fell into a great rage when upon his repeated gruff demands for an explanation he was delicately informed that his parlor was haunted he vowed that somebody wanted to drive him from the house there was a conspiracy afoot among the women to get him still higher uptown and into a bigger brownstone front and refused to believe one word of the ghost story at length one day while sitting in his growlery as the ladies called it in the lower story his attention was aroused by a clatter on the stairs and looking out into the entry he saw a party of carpenters and painters who had been employed upon the parlor floor beating a precipitate retreat toward the front door stop stop you infernal fools what's all this hullabaloo about shout at the old gentleman no reply no halt upon the part of the mechanics but away they went down the steps and along the street as though satan himself or mosby the gorilla was at their heels they were pursued and ordered back but absolutely refused to come swearing that they had seen the evil one impropriet persona and threats persuasions and bribes alike proved vain to induce them to return this made the matter look serious and a family council was held forthwith it wouldn't do to let matters go on in this way and something must be thought of as a remedy it was in this half solemn and half tragic conclave that the pat of familius was at last put in possession of the mysterious occurrences that had been disturbing the peace of his domestic earth a ghost had been repeatedly seen in his best drawing room a genuine undeniable unmitigated ghost the specter was described by the female members of the family as may his appearance at all hours chiefly however in the evening of course now the good old orthodox idea of a ghost is of a very long cadaverous ghastly personage of either sex appearing in white draperies with uplifted finger and attended or preceded by supportural sounds whist hush and sometimes the rattling of casements and the jingling of chains a bluish glare and a strong smell of broomstone seldom failed to enhance the horror of the scene this ghost however came it seems in more ordinary guys but nonetheless terrible for his natural style of approach and costume he was usually seen in the front parlor which was on the second story and face the street there he would be found seated in a chair near the fireplace his attire the garb of a karmann or kata and hence the name kata's ghost afterward frequently applied to him there he would sit entirely unmoved by the approach of living denizens of the house who at first would suppose that he was some drunken or insane intruder and only discover their mistake as they drew near and saw the firelight shining through him and noticed the glare of his frightful eyes which threatened all comers in the most unearthly way such was the purport of the first sketch that appeared in the sunday mercury stated so distinctly and impressively that the effect could not fail to be tremendous among our sensational public to help the matter another brief notice to the same effect appeared in the sunday issue of a leading journal on the same morning the news dealers and street carriers caught up the novelty instant and before noon not a copy of the sunday mercury could be bought in any direction the country sure the sunday mercury had still a larger sale on sunday morning every sheet in town made some illusion to the ghost and many even went so far as to give the very supposed number of the house favoured with his visitations the result of this enterprising guest was ludicrous enough bordering a little too upon the serious indignant householders rushed down to the sunday mercury office with the most amusing wrath threatening and denouncing the astonish publishers with all sorts of legal action for their presumed trespass when in reality their paper had designated no place or person at all but the grandest demonstration of popular excitement was revealed in 27th street itself before noon a considerable portion of the thoroughfare below sixth avenue was blocked up with a dense mass of people of all ages sizes sexes and nationalities who had come to see the ghost a liquor store or two nearby drove a splendid spiritual business and by evening the fun grew so fast and furious that a whole squad of police had to be employed to keep the sidewalks and even the carriageway clear the ghost was shouted for to make a speech like any other new celebrity an old ladies and gentlemen peering out of upper story windows were saluted with playful tokens of regard such as turnips eggs of ancient date and other things too numerous to mention from the crowd nor was the throng composed entirely of gothomites the surrounding country sent into its contingent they came on foot on horseback in wagons and arrayed in all the costumes known about these parts since the days of rip van winkel crook shanks would have made a fortune from his easy sketches of only a few figures in the scene and thus the concourse continued for days together arriving at early morn and staying there in the street until due eve as a matter of course there were various explanations of the story propound by various people all wondrously wise in their own conceit some would have it that the ghost was got up by some of the neighbors who wished in this manner to drive away disreputable occupants others insisted that it was the revenge of the ousted tenant etc etc everybody offered his own theory and as is usual in such cases nobody was exactly right meanwhile the sunday mercury continued its publications of the further progress of the mystery from week to week for a space of nearly two months until the whole country seemed to have gone ghost mad apparitions and goblins dire were seen in washington rochester albany montreal and other cities the spiritualists took it up and began to discuss the carter ghost with the utmost seal one startling individual a physician and a philosopher emerged from his professional shell into full-fledged glory as the greatest canada of all and published revelations of his own intermediate intercourse with the terrific carter in every nook and corner of the land tremendous posters in white and yellow broke out upon the walls and windows of news depots with capitals of foot long and exclamation points like drumsticks announcing fresh instalments of the ghost story and it was a regular fight between go-ahead vendors who should get the next batch of horrors in advance of his rivals nor was the effect abroad the least feature of the stupendous cell the english french and german press translated some of the articles in epitome and wrote grave commentaries there on the stage soon caught the blaze and professor pepper at the royal polytechnic institute in london invented a most ingenious device for producing ghosts which should walk about upon the stage in such a perfectly astounding manner as to throw poor hamlet's father and the evil genius of brutus quite into the shade pepper's ghost soon crossed the atlantic and all our theaters were speedily alive with nocturnal apparitions the only real ghosts however foreign number came out at the museum in an appropriate drama which had an immense run all for twenty five cents or only six and a quarter cents per ghost but i must not forget to say that really the details given in the sunday mercury were well calculated to lead captive a large class of minds prone to luxuriate in the marvellous when well mixed with plausible reasoning the most circumstantial accounts were given of sundry gifted young ladies grave and learned professors reliable gentlemen where are those not found lonely watchers and others who had sought interviews with the ghost to their own great enlightenment indeed but likewise complete discomforture pistols were fired at him pianos played and song sung for him and finally his daguerreotype taken on prepared metallic plates set upright in the haunted room one shrewd artists brought out an exact photographic likeness of the distinguished stranger on carts to visit and made immense sales the apparitions too multiplied an old man a woman and a child made their appearance in the house of wonders and at last a gory head with distended eyeballs swimming in a sea of blood upon a platter like that of holophonies capped the climax certain wise acres here began to see political illusions in the ghost and many actually took the whole affair to be a cunningly devised political satire upon this or that party according as their sympathy swayed them it would have been a remarkable portion of this strange eventful history of course if Barnum could have escaped the accusation of being its progenitor i was continually beset and frequently when more than usually busy thoroughly annoyed by the innuendoes of my visitors that i was the father of the ghost come now mr barnum this is going a little too far some good old dame or grandfather would say to me you're oughtn't to scare people in this way these ghosts are ugly customers my dear sir or madam i would say as the case might be i do assure you i know nothing whatever about the ghost and as for spirits you know i never touched them and have been preaching against the nearly all my life well well you will have the last turn they'd retort as they edged away but you needn't tell us we guess we found the ghost now all i can add about this strange hallucination is that those who came to me to see the original carter really saw the elephant the wonderful apparition disappeared at length as suddenly as he had come the bull's eye brigade as the squad of police put on duty to watch the neighborhood for various reasons was termed hung to their work and flashed the light of their lanterns into faces of lonely couples for some time afterward but quiet at length settle down overall and it has been it seems reserved for my pen to record briefly the history of the 27th street ghost end of chapter 31 recording by linda fergusson