 Chapter 34 is wholly devoted to a full and faithful report of the memorable trial of Bardell against Pickwick. I wonder what the foreman of the jury, whoever he will be, has got for breakfast, said Mr. Nodgrass, by way of keeping up a conversation on the eventful morning of the 14th of February? Ah, said Perker, I hope he's got a good one. Why so, inquired Mr. Pickwick? Highly important, very important, my dear sir, replied Perker. A good, contented, well-breakfasted juryman is a capital thing to get hold of. Discontented or hungry juryman, my dear sir, always find for the plaintiff. Bless my heart, said Mr. Pickwick, looking very blank. What do they do that for? Why, I don't know, replied the little man coolly. Saves time, I suppose. If it's near dinner time, the foreman takes out his watch when the jury has retired and says, Dear me, gentlemen, ten minutes to five, I declare. I dine at five, gentlemen. So do I, says everybody else, except two men who ought to have dined at three and seem more than half disposed to stand out in consequence. The foreman smiles and puts up his watch. Well, gentlemen, what do we say, plaintiff or defendant, gentlemen? I rather think, so far as I am concerned, gentlemen. I say, I rather think, but don't let that influence you. I rather think the plaintiff's the man. Upon this, two or three other men are sure to say that they think so too, as of course they do, and then they get on very unanimously and comfortably. Ten minutes past nine, said the little man, looking at his watch. Time we were off, my dear sir. Breach of promise trial court is generally full in such cases. You had better ring for a coach, my dear sir, or we shall be rather late. Mr. Pickwick immediately rang the bell, and a coach, having been procured, the four Pickwickians and Mr. Perker ensconced themselves therein and drove to Guildhall. Sam Weller, Mr. Loudon, and the blue bag following in a cab. Loudon, said Perker, when they reached the outer hall of the court, put Mr. Pickwick's friends in the student's box. Mr. Pickwick himself had better sit by me. This way, my dear sir, this way, taking Mr. Pickwick by the coat sleeve, the little man led him to the low seat just beneath the desks of the King's Council, which is constructed for the convenience of attorneys, who from that spot can whisper into the ear of the leading council in the case any instructions that may be necessary during the progress of the trial. The occupants of this seat are invisible to the great body of spectators in as much as they sit on a much lower level than either the barristers or the audience whose seats are raised above the floor. Of course, they have their backs to both and their faces towards the judge. That's the witness box, I suppose, said Mr. Pickwick, pointing to a kind of pulpit with a brass rail on his left hand. That's the witness box, my dear sir, replied Perker, disinterring a quantity of papers from the blue bag which Loudon had just deposited at his feet. And that, said Mr. Pickwick, pointing to a couple of enclosed seats on his right. That's where the jurymen sit, is it not? The identical place, my dear sir, replied Perker, tapping the lid of his snuff box. Mr. Pickwick stood up in a state of great agitation and took a glance at the court. There were already a pretty large sprinkling of spectators in the gallery, and a numerous muster of gentlemen in wigs in the barristers' seats, who presented as a body all that pleasing and extensive variety of nose and whisker for which the bar of England is so justly celebrated. Such of the gentlemen as had a brief to carry carried it in as conspicuous a manner as possible and occasionally scratched their noses therewith to impress the fact more strongly on the observation of the spectators. Other gentlemen who had no briefs to show carried under their arms goodly octavos with the red label behind and that underdone pie crust colored cover which is technically known as law calf. Others who had neither briefs nor books thrust their hands into their pockets and looked as wise as they conveniently could. Others again moved here and there with great restlessness and earnestness of manner, of intent to awaken thereby the admiration and astonishment of the uninitiated strangers. The whole, to the great wonderment of Mr. Pickwick, were divided into little groups who were chatting and discussing the news of the day in the most unfeeling manner possible, just as if no trial at all were coming on. A bow from Mr. Funke as he entered and took his seat behind the row appropriated to the King's Council attracted Mr. Pickwick's attention and he had scarcely returned it when Mr. Sergeant Snubbin appeared followed by Mr. Mallard who half hid the sergeant behind a large crimson bag which he placed on his table and after shaking hands with Perker withdrew. Then there entered two or three more sergeants and among them one with a fat body and a red face who nodded in a friendly manner to Mr. Sergeant Snubbin and said it was a fine morning. Who's that red-faced man who said it was a fine morning and nodded to our council? whispered Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Sergeant Buzzfuzz replied, Perker, he's opposed to us. He leads on the other side. That gentleman behind him is Mr. Skimpin, his junior. Mr. Pickwick was on the point of inquiring with great abhorrence of the man's cold-blooded villainy how Mr. Sergeant Buzzfuzz, who was counsel for the opposite party, dared to presume to tell Mr. Sergeant Snubbin, who was counsel for him, that it was a fine morning when he was interrupted by a general rising of the barristers and a loud cry of silence from the officers of the court. Looking round, he found that this was caused by the entrance of the judge. Mr. Justice Sterley, who sat in the absence of the Chief Justice occasioned by Indisposition, was a most particularly short man and so fat that he seemed all face and waistcoat. He rolled in upon two little turned legs and, having bobbed gravely to the bar, who bobbed gravely to him, put his little legs underneath his table and his little three-cornered hat upon it. And when Mr. Justice Sterley had done this, all you could see of him was two queer little eyes, one broad pink face, and somewhere about half of a big and very comical looking wig. The judge had no sooner taken his seat than the officer on the floor of the court called out, Silence, in a commanding tone, upon which another officer in the gallery cried, Silence, in an angry manner, whereupon three or four more ushers shouted, Silence, in a voice of indignant remonstrance. This being done, a gentleman in black who sat below the judge proceeded to call over the names of the jury. After a great deal of bawling, it was discovered that only ten special jurymen were present. Upon this, Mr. Sergeant Buzzfuzz prayed to tales. The gentleman in black then proceeded to press into the special jury two of the common jurymen, and a green grocer and a chemist were caught directly. Answer to your names, gentlemen, that you may be sworn, said the gentleman in black. Richard Upwich. Here, said the green grocer. Thomas Groffin. Here, said the chemist. Take the book, gentlemen. You shall well and truly try. I begged this court's pardon, said the chemist, who was a tall, thin, yellow-visaged man, but I hope this court will excuse my attendance. On what grounds, sir, said Mr. Justice Sterley. I have no assistant, my lord, said the chemist. I can't help that, sir, replied Mr. Justice Sterley. You should hire one. I can't afford it, my lord, rejoined the chemist. Then you ought to be able to afford it, sir, said the judge, reddening, for Mr. Justice Sterley's temper bordered on the irritable and brook not contradiction. I know I ought to do if I got on as well as I deserved, but I don't, my lord, answered the chemist. Swear the gentleman, said the judge, peremptorily. The officer had got no further than the you shall well and truly try when he was again interrupted by the chemist. I am to be sworn, my lord, am I, said the chemist. Certainly, sir, replied the testy little judge. Very well, my lord, replied the chemist in a resigned manner. Then there'll be murder before this trial's over, that's all. Swear me if you please, sir, and sworn the chemist was before the judge could find words to utter. I merely wanted to observe, my lord, said the chemist, taking his seat with great deliberation, that I've left nobody but an errand boy in my shop. He is a very nice boy, my lord, but he is not acquainted with drugs, and I know that the prevailing impression on his mind is that epsom salts means oxalic acid and syrup of senolodinum, that's all, my lord. With this the tall chemist composed himself into a comfortable attitude, and assuming a pleasant expression of countenance appeared to have prepared himself for the worst. Mr. Pickwick was regarding the chemist with feelings of the deepest horror when a slight sensation was perceptible in the body of the court, and immediately afterwards Mrs. Bardell, supported by Mrs. Cluppins, was let in and placed in a drooping state at the other end of the seat on which Mr. Pickwick sat. An extra-sized umbrella was then handed in by Mr. Dodson and a pair of patents by Mr. Fogg, each of whom had prepared a most sympathizing and melancholy face for the occasion. Mrs. Sanders then appeared, leading in Master Bardell. At sight of her child Mrs. Bardell started suddenly recollecting herself. She kissed him in a frantic manner, then relapsing into a state of hysterical imbecility the good lady requested to be informed where she was. In reply to this Mrs. Cluppins and Mrs. Saunders turned their heads away and wept while Messrs. Dodson and Fogg entreated the plaintiff to compose herself. Sergeant Buzz Fuzz rubbed his eyes very hard with a large white handkerchief and gave an appealing look towards the jury while the judge was visibly affected and several of the beholders tried to cough down their emotion. Very good notion that indeed, whispered Perker to Mr. Pickwick, capital fellows those Dodson and Fogg, excellent ideas of effect, my dear sir, excellent. As Perker spoke Mrs. Bardell began to recover by slow degrees while Mrs. Cluppins, after a careful survey of Master Bardell's buttons and the buttonholes to which they severally belonged, placed him on the floor of the court in front of his mother, a commanding position in which he could not fail to awaken the full commiseration and sympathy of both judge and jury. This was not done without considerable opposition and many tears on the part of the young gentleman himself, who had certain inward misgivings that the placing him within the full glare of the judge's eye was only a formal prelude to his being immediately ordered away for instant execution or for transportation beyond the seas during the whole term of his natural life at the very least. Bardell and Pickwick cried the gentleman in black, calling on the case which stood first on the list. I am for the plaintiff, my lord, said Mr. Sergeant Buzz Fuzz. Who is with you, brother Buzz Fuzz, said the judge. Mr. Skimpen bowed to intimate that he was. I appear for the defendant, my lord, said Mr. Sergeant Snubbin. Anybody with you, brother Snubbin, inquired the court. Mr. Funke, my lord, replied Sergeant Snubbin. Sergeant Buzz Fuzz and Mr. Skimpen for the plaintiff, said the judge, writing down the names in his notebook and reading as he wrote, for the defendant Sergeant Snubbin and Mr. Monke. Beg your lordships pardon. Funke. Oh, very good, said the judge. I never had the pleasure of hearing the gentleman's name before. Here Mr. Funke bowed and smiled and the judge bowed and smiled, too. And then Mr. Funke, blushing into the very whites of his eyes, tried to look as if he didn't know that everybody was gazing at him. A thing which no man ever succeeded in doing yet or in all reasonable probability ever will. Go on, said the judge. The ushers again called silence and Mr. Skimpen proceeded to open the case and the case appeared to have very little inside it when he had opened it, for he kept such particulars as he knew, completely to himself, and sat down after a lapse of three minutes leaving the jury in precisely the same advanced state of wisdom as they were in before. Sergeant Buzz Fuzz then rose with all the majesty and dignity which the grave nature of the proceedings demanded and having whispered to Dodson and conferred briefly with fog, pulled his gown over his shoulders, settled his wig and addressed the jury. Sergeant Buzz Fuzz began by saying that never in the whole course of his professional experience, never from the very first moment of his applying himself to the study and practice of the law, had he approached the case with feelings of such deep emotion or with such a heavy sense of the responsibility imposed upon him, a responsibility he would say would never have supported where he not buoyed up and sustained by a conviction so strong that it amounted to positive certainty that the cause of truth and justice or in other words, the cause of his much injured and most oppressed client must prevail with the high-minded and intelligent dozen of men whom he now saw in that box before him. Counsel usually begin this way because it puts the jury on the very best terms with themselves and makes them think those they must be. A visible effect was produced immediately, several jurymen beginning to take voluminous notes with the utmost eagerness. You have heard from my learned friend, gentlemen continued Sergeant Buzz Fuzz while knowing that from the learned friend alluded to, the gentleman of the jury had heard just nothing at all. You have heard from my learned friend, gentlemen, that this is an action for a breach of promise of marriage in which the damages are laid at fifteen hundred pounds. But you have not heard from my learned friend in as much as it did not come within my learned friend's province to tell you what are the facts and circumstances of the case. Those facts and circumstances, gentlemen, you shall hear detailed by me and proved by the unimpeachable female whom I will place in that box before you. Here, Mr. Sergeant Buzz Fuzz with a tremendous emphasis on the word box, smote his table with a mighty sound danced at Dodson and Fogg, who nodded admiration of the sergeant and indignant defiance of the defendant. The plaintiff, gentlemen, continued Sergeant Buzz Fuzz in a soft and melancholy voice. The plaintiff is a widow. Yes, gentlemen, a widow. The late Mr. Bardell, after enjoying for many years the esteem and confidence of his sovereign as one of the guardians of his royal revenues, glided almost imperceptibly from the world to seek elsewhere for that repose and peace which a custom-house can never afford. At this pathetic description of the decease of Mr. Bardell who had been knocked on the head with a quart pot in a public-house cellar, the learned sergeant's voice faltered and he proceeded with emotion. Sometime before his death he had stamped his lightness upon a little boy. With this little boy the only pledge of her departed excisement, Mrs. Bardell shrank from the world and courted the retirement and tranquility of Goswell Street and here she placed in her front parlor window a written placard bearing this inscription Apartments furnished for a single gentleman inquire within. Here Sergeant Buzz Fuzz paused while several gentlemen of the jury took a note of the document. There is no date to that, is there, inquired a juror? This gentleman replied Sergeant Buzz Fuzz, but I am instructed to say that it was put in the plaintiff's parlor window just this time three years. I entreat the attention of the jury to the wording of this document Apartments furnished for a single gentleman. Mrs. Bardell's opinions of the opposite sex gentlemen were derived from a long contemplation of the inestimable qualities of her lost husband. She had no fear, she had no distrust, she had no suspicion, all was confidence and reliance. Mr. Bardell, said the widow, Mr. Bardell was a man of honor, Mr. Bardell was a man of his word, Mr. Bardell was no deceiver, Mr. Bardell was once a single gentleman himself. To single gentlemen I look for protection, for assistance, for comfort and for consolation. In single gentlemen I shall perpetually see something to remind me of what Mr. Bardell was when he first won my young and untried affections. To a single gentleman then shall my lodgings be let, actuated by this beautiful and touching impulse among the best impulses of our imperfect nature, gentlemen. The lonely and desolate widow dried her tears, furnished her first floor, caught her innocent boy to her maternal bosom and put the bill up in her parlor window. Did it remain there long? No. The serpent was on the watch, the train was laid, the mine was preparing, the sapper and miner was at work, before the bill had been in the parlor window three days, three days, gentlemen, a being erect upon two legs and bearing all the outward semblance of a man and not of a monster, knock at the door of Mrs. Bardell's house. He inquired within, he took the lodgings and on the very next day he entered into possession of them. This man was Pickwick, Pickwick, the defendant. Sergeant Buzzfuzz, who had proceeded with such volubility that his face was perfectly crimson, here paused for breath. The silence awoke Mr. Justice Sterley, who immediately wrote down something with a pen without any ink in it and looked unusually profound to impress the jury with the belief that he always thought most deeply with his eyes shut. Sergeant Buzzfuzz proceeded, Of this man, Pickwick, I will say little, the subject presents but few attractions and I, gentlemen, am not the man, nor are you gentlemen the men to delight in the contemplation of revolting heartlessness and of systematic villainy. Here Mr. Pickwick, who had been writhing in silence for some time, gave a violent start as if some vague idea of assaulting Sergeant Buzzfuzz in the august presence of justice and law suggested itself to his mind. An admonitory gesture from Perker restrained him and he listened to the learned gentleman's continuation with a look of indignation which contrasted forcibly with the admiring faces of Mrs. Cluppins and Mrs. Sanders. I say systematic villainy, gentlemen, said Sergeant Buzzfuzz, looking through Mr. Pickwick and talking at him. And would I say systematic villainy? Let me tell the defendant Pickwick if he be in court, as I am informed he is, that it would have been more decent in him, more becoming, in better judgment and in better taste if he had stopped away. Let me tell him, gentlemen, that any gestures of dissent or disapprobation in which he may indulge in this court will not go down with you, that you will know how to value and how to appreciate them. And let me tell him further, as my lord will tell you, gentlemen, that a counsel in the discharge of his duty to his client is neither to be intimidated nor bullied nor put down, and that any attempt to do either the one or the other or the first or the last will recoil on the head of the attemper, be he plaintiff or be he defendant, be his name Pickwick or nooks or stokes or styles or Brown or Thompson. This little divergence from the subject in hand had, of course, the intended effect of turning all eyes to Mr. Pickwick. Sergeant Buzzfuzz, having partially recovered from the state of moral elevation into which he had last himself, resumed, I shall show you, gentlemen, that for two years, Pickwick continued to reside constantly and without interruption or intermission at Mrs. Bardell's house. I shall show you that Mrs. Bardell during the whole of that time waited on him, attended to his comforts, cooked his meals, looked out his linen for the washerwoman when it went abroad, darned, aired, and prepared it for wear when it came home, and in short enjoyed his fullest trust and confidence. I shall show you that on many occasions he gave half-pence, and on some occasions even six-pences to her little boy, and I shall prove to you by a witness that will be impossible for my learned friend to weaken or controvert that on one occasion he padded the boy on the head, and after inquiring whether he had won any alley tours or comedies lately, both of which I understand to be a particular species of marbles much prized by the youth of this town, made use of this remarkable expression, how should you like to have another father? I shall prove to you, gentlemen, that about a year ago Pickwick suddenly began to absent himself from home during long intervals, as if with the intention of gradually breaking off from my client. But I shall show you also that his resolution was not at that time sufficiently strong or that his better feelings conquered, if better feelings he has, or that the charms and accomplishments of my client prevailed against his unmanly intentions by proving to you that on one occasion when he returned from the country he distinctly and in terms offered her marriage. Previously, however, taking special care that there would be no witness to their solemn contract, and I am in a situation to prove to you on the testimony of three of his own friends, most unwilling witnesses, gentlemen, most unwilling witnesses, that on that morning he was discovered by them holding the plaintiff in his arms and soothing her agitation by his caresses and endearments. A visible impression was produced upon the auditors by this part of the learned sergeant's address, drawing forth two very small scraps of paper he proceeded. And now, gentlemen, but one word more, two letters have passed between these parties, letters which are admitted to be in the handwriting of the defendant and which speak volumes indeed. The letters, too, bespeak the character of the man. They are not open, fervent, eloquent epistles, breathing nothing with the language of affectionate attachment. They are covert, sly, underhanded communications. But fortunately, far more conclusive than of couched in the most glowing language and the most poetic imagery, letters that must be viewed with a cautious and suspicious eye, letters that were evidently intended at the time by Pickwick to mislead and delude any third parties into whose hands they might fall. Let me read the first. Garrowways, twelve o'clock. Dear Mrs. B., chops and tomato sauce, yours, Pickwick. Gentlemen, what does this mean? Chops and tomato sauce. Yours, Pickwick? Chops, gracious heavens and tomato sauce. Gentlemen, is the happiness of a sensitive and confiding female to be trifled away by such shallow artifices as these? The next has no date whatever which is in itself suspicious. Dear Mrs. B., I shall not be at home till tomorrow. Slow coach. And then follows this very remarkable expression. Don't trouble yourself about the warming pan. The warming pan. Why, gentlemen, who does trouble himself about a warming pan? When was the peace of mind of a woman broken or disturbed by a warming pan which is in itself a harmless, a useful, and I will add, gentlemen, a comforting article of domestic furniture? Why is Mrs. Bardell so earnestly entreated not to agitate herself about this warming pan? Unless, as is no doubt the case, it is a mere cover for hidden fire, a mere substitute for some endearing word or promise agreeably to a pre-concerted system of correspondence artfully contrived by Pickwick with a view to his contemplated desertion in which I am not in a condition to explain. And what does this allusion to the slow coach mean? For ought I know it may be a reference to Pickwick himself who has most unquestionably been a criminally slow coach during the whole of this transaction but whose speed will now be very unexpectedly accelerated as he will find to his cost will very soon be greased by you. Mr. Sergeant Buzzfuzz paused in this place to see whether the jury smiled at his joke. But as nobody took it but the greengrocer whose sensitiveness on the subject was very probably occasioned by his having subjected a chaise cart to the process in question on that identical mourning, the learned sergeant considered it advisable to undergo a slight relapse into the dismal process before he concluded. But enough of this, gentlemen, said Mr. Sergeant Buzzfuzz, it is difficult to smile with an aching heart. It is ill-gesting when our deepest sympathies are awakened. My client's hopes and prospects are ruined and it is no figure of speech to say that her occupation is gone indeed. The bill is down but there is no tenant. Eligible single gentlemen pass and repass but there is no invitation for her to inquire within or without. All is gloom and silence in the house, even the voice of the child is hushed. His infant sports are disregarded when his mother weeps. His alley tours in his commonies are alight neglected. He forgets the long familiar cry of knuckle down and at tip cheese or odd neven his hand is out. But pickwick, gentlemen, pickwick, the ruthless destroyer of this domestic oasis in the desert of Goswell Street. Pickwick, who has choked up the well and thrown ashes on the sword. Pickwick, who comes before you today with his heartless tomato sauce and warming pans. Pickwick still rears his head with unblushing effrontery and gazes without a sigh on the ruin he has made. Damages, gentlemen. Heavy damages is the only punishment with which you can visit him. You can award to my client and for those damages she now appeals to an enlightened, a high-minded, a right feeling, a conscientious, a dispassionate, a sympathizing, a contemplative jury of her civilized countrymen. With this beautiful peroration Mr. Sergeant Buzzfuzz sat down and Mr. Justice Sterley woke up. Call Elizabeth Cluppins said Sergeant Buzzfuzz rising a minute afterwards with renewed vigor. The nearest usher called for Elizabeth Cluppins. Another one, at a little distance off, demanded Elizabeth Jupkins and a third rushed in a breathless state into King Street and screamed for Elizabeth Muffins till he was hoarse. Meanwhile, Mrs. Cluppins with the combined assistance of Mrs. Bardell, Mrs. Sanders, Mr. Dodson, and Mr. Fogg was hoisted into the witness box and when she was safely perched on the top step, Mrs. Bardell stood on the bottom one with the pocket-hanger chiff and patents in one hand and a glass bottle that might hold about a quarter of a pint of smelling salts in the other ready for any emergency. Mrs. Sanders, whose eyes were intently fixed on the judge's face, planted herself close by with a large umbrella keeping her right thumb pressed and prepared to put it up at a moment's notice. Mrs. Cluppins, said Sergeant Buzzfuzz, pray compose yourself, ma'am. Of course, directly Mrs. Cluppins was desired to compose herself. She sobbed with increased vehemence and gave diverse alarming manifestations of an approaching fainting fit or, as she afterwards said, of her feelings being too many for her. Do you recollect Mrs. Cluppins, said Sergeant Buzzfuzz after a few unimportant questions? Do you recollect being in Mrs. Bardell's back one pair of stairs on one particular morning in July last when she was dusting Pickwick's apartment? Yes, my Lord and jury, I do, replied Mrs. Cluppins. Mr. Pickwick's sitting-room was the first-floor front, I believe. Yes, it was, sir, replied Mrs. Cluppins. What were you doing in the back room, ma'am? inquired the little judge. My Lord and jury, said Mrs. Cluppins with interesting agitation, I will not deceive you. You had better not, ma'am, said the little judge. I was there, resumed Mrs. Cluppins, unbeknown to Mrs. Bardell. I had been out with a little basket gentlemen to buy three pound of red kidney portades, which was three pound tuppence hay-penny when I see Mrs. Bardell's street door on the jar. On the what, exclaimed the little judge? Partly opened, my Lord, said Sergeant Snubbin. She said on the jar, said the little judge with a cunning look. It's all the same, my Lord, said Sergeant Snubbin. The little judge looked doubtful and said he'd make a note of it. Mrs. Cluppins then resumed. I walked in, gentlemen, just to say good morning and went in a promiscuous manner upstairs and into the back room. Gentlemen, there was the sound of voices in the front room and you listened, I believe, Mrs. Cluppins, said Sergeant Buzzfuzz. Beggin' your pardon, sir, replied Mrs. Cluppins in a majestic manner. I would scorn the haction. The voices was very loud, sir, and forced themselves upon my ear. Well, Mrs. Cluppins, you were not listening, but you heard the voices was one of those voices Pickwick's. Yes, it was, sir. After distinctly stating that Mr. Pickwick addressed himself to Mrs. Bardell, repeated by slow degrees and by dint of many questions, the conversation with which our readers are already acquainted, the jury looked suspicious and Mr. Sergeant Buzzfuzz smiled as he sat down. They looked positively awful when Sergeant Snubbin intimated that he should not cross-examine the witness, for Mr. Pickwick wished it to be distinctly stated that her account was in substance correct. Mrs. Cluppins, having once broken the ice, thought it a favorable opportunity for entering into a short dissertation on her own domestic affairs, so she straightaway proceeded to inform the court that she was the mother of eight children at that present speaking and that she entertained confident expectations of presenting Mr. Cluppins of the ninth somewhere about that day six months. At this interesting point the little judge interposed most erasively and the effect of the interposition was that both the worthy lady and Mrs. Saunders were politely taken out of court under the escort of Mr. Jackson without further parlay. Nathaniel Winkle, said Mr. Skimpen, here replied a feeble voice, Mr. Winkle entered the witness box and having been duly sworn bowed to the judge with considerable deference. Don't look at me, sir, unless the judge sharply in acknowledgment of the salute, look at the jury. Mr. Winkle obeyed the mandate and looked at the place where he thought it most probable the jury might be for seeing anything in his then state of intellectual complication was wholly out of the question. Mr. Winkle was then examined by Mr. Skimpen, who being a promising young man of two or three and forty was, of course, anxious to confuse a witness disposed in favor of the other side as much as he could. Now, sir, said Mr. Skimpen, have the goodness to let his lordship know what your name is, will you, and Mr. Skimpen inclined his head on one side to listen with great sharpness to the answer and glanced at the jury, meanwhile, as if to imply that he rather expected Mr. Winkle's natural taste for perjury would induce him to give some name which did not belong to him. Winkle, replied the witness, what's your Christian name, sir, angrily inquired the little judge? Nathaniel, sir. Daniel? Any other name? Nathaniel, sir, my lord, I mean. Nathaniel, Daniel, or Daniel? Nathaniel. No, my lord, only Nathaniel, not Daniel at all. What did you tell me it was Daniel for then, sir, inquired the judge? I didn't, my lord, replied Mr. Winkle. You did, sir, replied the judge with a severe frown. How could I have got Daniel on my notes unless you told me so, sir? This argument was, of course, unanswerable. Mr. Winkle has rather a short memory, my lord, interposed Mr. Skimpen with another glance at the jury. We shall find means to refresh it before we have quite done with him, I daresay. You had better be careful, sir, said the little judge with a sinister look at the witness. Mr. Winkle bowed and endeavored to feign an easiness of manner which, in his then state of confusion, gave him rather the air of a disconcerted pickpocket. Now, Mr. Winkle, said Mr. Skimpen, attend to me, if you please, sir, and let me recommend you for your own sake to bear in mind his lordship's injunctions to be careful. I believe you are a particular friend of Mr. Pickwick, the defendant. Are you not? I have known Mr. Pickwick now for this moment, nearly. Pray, Mr. Winkle, do not evade the question, are you or are you not a particular friend of the defendants? I was just about to say that will you or will you not answer my question, sir? If you don't answer the question, you'll be committed, sir, interposed the little judge looking over his notebook. Come, sir, said Mr. Skimpen, yes or no, if you please? Yes, I am, replied Mr. Winkle. Yes, you are, and why couldn't you say that at once, sir? Perhaps you know the plaintiff too, eh, Mr. Winkle? I don't know her, I've seen her. Oh, you don't know her, but you've seen her. Now, I have the goodness to tell the gentlemen of the jury what you mean by that, Mr. Winkle. I mean that I am not intimate with her, but I have seen her when I went to call on Mr. Pickwick in Goswell Street. How often have you seen her, sir? How often? Yes, Mr. Winkle, how often? I'll repeat the question for you a dozen times if you require it, sir. And the learned gentleman with a firm and steady frown placed his hands on his hips and smiled suspiciously to the jury. On this question there arose the edifying brow-beating customary on such points. First of all, Mr. Winkle said it was quite impossible for him to say how many times he had seen Mrs. Bardell. Then he was asked if he had seen her twenty times, to which he replied certainly more than that. Then he was asked whether he hadn't seen her a hundred times, whether he couldn't swear that he had seen her more than fifty times, whether he didn't know that he had seen her at least seventy-five times, and so forth. The satisfactory conclusion which was arrived at last being that he had better take care of himself and mind what he was about. The witness having been by these means reduced to the requisite ab of nervous perplexity the examination was continued as follows. Pray, Mr. Winkle, do you remember calling on the defendant Pickwick at these apartments in the plaintiff's house in Goswell Street on one particular morning in the month of July last? Yes, I do. Were you accompanied on that occasion by a friend of the name of Tubman and another by the name of Snodgrass? I was. Are they here? Yes, they are, replied Mr. Winkle, looking very earnestly towards the spot where his friends were stationed. Pray, attend to me, Mr. Winkle, and never mind your friends," said Mr. Skimpen with another expressive look at the jury. They must tell their stories without any previous consultation with you. If none has yet taken place another look at the jury. Now, sir, tell the gentleman of the house on entering the defendant's room on this particular morning. Come out with it, sir. We must have it sooner or later. The defendant, Mr. Pickwick, was holding the plaintiff in his arms with his hands clasping her waist, replied Mr. Winkle with natural hesitation, and the plaintiff appeared to have fainted away. Did you hear the defendant say anything? I heard him call Mrs. Bardella Good Creature and I heard him ask her to compose for what a situation it was if anybody should come or words to that effect. Now, Mr. Winkle, I have only one more question to ask you, and I beg you to bear in mind his lordship's caution. Will you undertake to swear that Pickwick, the defendant, did not say on the occasion in question, my dear Mrs. Bardella, you're a good creature. Compose yourself to this situation for to this situation you must come or words to that effect. I didn't understand him so, certainly, said Mr. Winkle, astounded on this ingenious dovetailing of the few words he had heard. I was on the staircase and couldn't hear distinctly. The impression on my mind is, the gentlemen of the jury want none of the impressions on your mind, Mr. Winkle, which I fear would be a little service to honest, straightforward men, interposed Mr. Schimpen. You were on the staircase and didn't distinctly hear, and swear that Pickwick did not make use of the expressions I have quoted. Do I understand that? No, I will not, replied Mr. Winkle, and down sat Mr. Schimpen with a triumphant countenance. Mr. Pickwick's case had not gone off in so particularly happy a manner up to this point that it could very well afford to have any additional suspicion cast upon it. But as it could afford to be placed in a rather better light if possible, Mr. Winkle rose for the purpose of getting something important out of Mr. Winkle in cross-examination. Whether he did get anything important out of him will immediately appear. I believe Mr. Winkle, said Mr. Funky, that Mr. Pickwick is not a young man. Oh, no, replied Mr. Winkle, old enough to be my father. You have told my learned friend that you have known Mr. Pickwick a long time. Had you ever any reason to suppose he believed that he was about to be married? Oh, no, certainly not, replied Mr. Winkle, with so much eagerness that Mr. Funky ought to have got him out of the box with all possible dispatch. Lawyers hold that there are two kinds of particularly bad witnesses, a reluctant witness, and a too willing witness. It was Mr. Winkle's fate to figure in both characters. I will even go further than this, Mr. Winkle, continued Mr. Pickwick's smooth and complacent manner. Did you ever see anything in Mr. Pickwick's manner and conduct towards the opposite sex to induce you to believe that he ever contemplated matrimony of late years in any case? Oh, no, certainly not, replied Mr. Winkle. Has his behavior, when females have been in the case, always been that of a man who, having attained a pretty advanced period of life, content with his own occupations treats them only as a father might his daughters? Not the least doubt of it, replied Mr. Winkle in the fullness of his heart. That is yes, oh yes, certainly. You have never known anything in his behavior towards Mrs. Bardell or any other female in the least degree suspicious, said Mr. Funky, preparing to sit down for Sergeant Snubbin was winking at him. No, replied Mr. Winkle, except on one trifling occasion which I have no doubt might be easily explained. Now, if the unfortunate Mr. Funky had sat down when Sergeant Snubbin had winked at him, or Sergeant Buzzfuzz had stopped this irregular cross-examination at the outset, which he knew better than to do, observing Mr. Winkle's anxiety, and well knowing it would in all probability lead to something serviceable to him, this unfortunate admission would not have been elicited. As soon as the words fell from Mr. Winkle's lips, Mr. Funky sat down and Sergeant Snubbin rather hastily told him he might leave the box. Which Mr. Winkle prepared to do with great readiness when Sergeant Buzzfuzz stopped him. Stay, Mr. Winkle, stay, said Sergeant Buzzfuzz, will your lordship have the goodness to ask him what this one instance of anxiety is? You hear what the learned counsel says, sir, observed the judge turning to the miserable and agonized Mr. Winkle, describe the occasion to which you refer. My lord, said Mr. Winkle, trembling with anxiety, I'd rather not. Perhaps so, said the little judge, but you must. Amid the profound silence of the whole court, Mr. Winkle faltered out that the suspicion was Mr. Pickwick's being found in a lady's sleeping apartment at midnight, which had terminated, he believed, in the breaking off of the projected marriage of the lady in question, and had led, he knew, to the whole party being forcibly carried before George Knupkin's Esquire, magistrate and justice of the peace for the borough of Ipswich. You may leave the box, sir, said Sergeant Snubbin. Mr. Winkle said that the suspicion was Mr. Winkle's being found in a lady's sleeping apartment at midnight, which had terminated, he knew, to the whole party being forcibly carried before George Knupkin, magistrate and justice of the peace for the borough of Ipswich. Amid the profound silence of the lady in question, Mr. Winkle said that the suspicion was Mr. Winkle's being found in the cross-examined by Sergeant Snubbin. Had always said and believed that Pickwick would marry Mrs. Bardell, knew that Mrs. Bardell's being engaged to Pickwick was the current topic of conversation in the neighborhood after the fainting in July, had been told at herself by Mrs. Mudbury, which kept a mangle, and Mrs. Bunkin, which clear-starched, but did not see either Mrs. Mudbury or Mrs. Bunkin in court. Had heard Pickwick ask the little boy how he should like to have another father, did not know that Mrs. Bardell was at that time keeping company with the baker, but did know that the baker was then a single man and is now married. Couldn't swear that Mrs. Bardell was not very fond of the baker, but should think that the baker was not very fond of Mrs. Bardell or he wouldn't have married somebody else. Thought Mrs. Bardell fainted away on the morning in July because Pickwick asked her to name the day. She knew that she, witness, fainted away stone dead when Mr. Saunders asked her to name the day and believed that everybody has called herself a lady would do the same under similar circumstances. Heard Pickwick asked the boy the question about the marbles, but upon her oath did not know the difference between an alley tour and a comedy by the court. During the period of her keeping company with Mr. Saunders had received love letters like other ladies correspondence Mr. Saunders had often called her a duck but never chops nor yet tomato sauce. He was particularly fond of ducks. Perhaps if he had been as fond of chops and tomato sauce he might have called her that as a term of affection. Sergeant Buzzfuzz now rose with more importance than he had yet exhibited if that were possible and vociferated call Samuel Weller. It was quite unnecessary to call Samuel Weller for Samuel Weller stepped briskly into the box the instant his name was pronounced and placing his hat on the floor and his arms on the rail took a bird's-eye view of the bar in a comprehensive survey of the bench with a remarkably cheerful and lively aspect. What's your name sir? inquired the judge. Sam Weller my lord replied that gentlemen do you spell it with a V or a W inquired the judge that depends upon the taste and fancy of the speller my lord replied Sam I never had occasion to spell it more than once or twice in my life but I spells it with a V here a voice in the gallery exclaimed aloud quite right to Samuel well quite right put it down a we my lord put it down a we who is that who dares address the court said the little judge looking up usher yes my lord bring that person here instantly yes my lord but as the usher didn't find the person he didn't bring him and after a great commotion all the people who had got up to look for the culprit sat down again the little judge turned to the witness as soon as his indignation would allow him to speak and said do you know who that was sir I rather suspect it was my father my lord replied Sam do you see him here now said the judge no I don't my lord replied Sam staring right up into the lantern at the roof of the court if you could have pointed him out I would have committed him instantly said the judge Sam bowed his acknowledgements and turned with unimpaired cheerfulness of countenance towards sergeant buzz fuzz now Mr. Weller said sergeant buzz fuzz now sir replied Sam I believe you are in the service of Mr. Pickwick the defendant in this case speak up if you please Mr. Weller I mean to speak up sir replied Sam I am in the service of that air gentlemen and a very good service it is little to do and plenty to get I suppose said sergeant buzz fuzz with jocularity oh quite enough to get sir as the soldier said when they ordered him 350 lashes replied Sam you must not tell us what the soldier or any other man said sir interpose the judge it's not evidence very good my lord do you recollect anything particular happening on the morning when you were first engaged by the defendant hey Mr. Weller said sergeant buzz fuzz yes I do sir replied Sam have the goodness to tell the jury what it was I had a regular new fit out of clothes that morning gentlemen of the jury said Sam and that was a very particular and uncommon circumstance with me in those days here upon there was a general laugh and the little judge looking with an angry countenance over his desk said you had better be careful sir so Mr. Pickwick said at the time my lord replied Sam and I was very careful of that air suit of clothes very careful indeed my lord the judge looked sternly at Sam for full two minutes but Sam's features were so perfectly calm and serene that the judge said nothing and motioned sergeant buzz fuzz to proceed do you mean to tell me Mr. Weller said sergeant buzz fuzz folding his arms emphatically and turning half round to the jury as if in mute assurance that he would bother the witness yet do you mean to tell me Mr. Weller that you saw nothing of this fainting on the part of the plaintiff in the arms of the defendant which you have heard described by the witnesses certainly not replied Sam I was in the passage till they called me up and then the old lady was not there now attend Mr. Weller the sergeant buzz fuzz dipping a large pen into the ink stand before him for the purpose of frightening Sam with a show of taking down his answer you were in the passage and yet saw nothing of what was going forward have you a pair of eyes Mr. Weller yes I have a pair of eyes replied Sam and that's just it if there was a pair of patent double million magnifying gas microscopes of extra power perhaps I might be able to see through a flight of stairs in a deal door but being only eyes you see my visions limited at this answer which was delivered without the slightest appearance of irritation and with the most complete simplicity and equanimity of manner the spectators teared the little judge smiled and sergeant buzz fuzz looked particularly foolish after a short consultation with Dodson and Fogg the learned sergeant again turned towards Sam and said with a painful effort to get the vaccine now Mr. Weller I'll ask you a question on another point if you please if you please sir rejoined Sam with the utmost good humor do you remember going up to Mrs. Bardell's house one night in November last oh yes very well oh you do remember that Mr. Weller said sergeant buzz fuzz recovering his spirits I thought we should get at something at last I rather thought that too sir replied Sam and at this the spectators teared again well I suppose you went up to have a little talk about this trial a Mr. Weller said sergeant buzz fuzz looking knowingly at the jury I went up to pay the rent but we did get a talking about the trial replied Sam oh you did get a talking about the trial said sergeant buzz fuzz brightening up with the anticipation of some important discovery so what passed about the trial will you have the goodness to tell us Mr. Weller with all the pleasure in life sir replied Sam are there a few unimportant observations from the two virtuous females as has been examined here today the ladies gets into a very great state of admiration at the honorable conduct of Mr. Dodson and Fogg them two gentlemen as is setting near you now this of course drew general attention who looked as virtuous as possible the attorneys for the plaintiff said Mr. Sergeant Buzz Fuzz well they spoke in high praise of the honorable conduct of Messrs. Dodson and Fogg the attorneys for the plaintiff did they yes said Sam they said what a very generous thing it was of them to have taken up the case on spec and to charge nothing at all for costs unless they got them out of Mr. Pickwick at this very unexpected reply the investigators tittered again and Dodson and Fogg turning very red leaned over to Sergeant Buzz Fuzz and in a hurried manner whispered something in his ear you are quite right said Sergeant Buzz Fuzz allowed with effected composure it's perfectly useless my lord attempting to get at any evidence to the impenetrable stupidity of this witness I will not trouble the court by asking him any more questions stand down sir gentlemen like to ask me anything inquired Sam taking up his hat and looking round most deliberately not I Mr. Weller thank you said Sergeant Snubbin laughing you may go down sir said Sergeant Buzz Fuzz waving his hand impatiently Sam went down accordingly after doing Messrs. Dodson and Fogg's case as much harm as he conveniently could and saying just as little respecting Mr. Pickwick as might be the object he had had in view all along I have no objection to admit my lord said Sergeant Snubbin if it will save the examination of another witness that Mr. Pickwick has retired from business and is a gentleman of considerable independent property very well said Sergeant Buzz Fuzz putting in the two letters to be read then that's my case my lord Sergeant Snubbin then addressed the jury on behalf of the defendant and a very long and a very emphatic address he delivered in which he bestowed the highest possible eulogiums on the conduct and character of Mr. Pickwick but in as much as our readers are far better able to form a correct estimate of that gentleman's merits and desserts than Sergeant Snubbin could possibly be we do not feel called upon to enter at any length into the learned gentleman's observations he attempted to show that the letters which had been exhibited merely related to Mr. Pickwick's dinner ordered the preparations for receiving him in his apartments on his return from some country excursion it is sufficient to add in general terms that he did the best he could for Mr. Pickwick and the best as everybody knows on the infallible authority of the old adage could do no more Mr. Justice Sterley summed up in the old established and most approved form he read as much of his notes to the jury that he could decipher and so short a notice and made running comments on the evidence as he went along if Mrs. Bardell were right it was perfectly clear that Mr. Pickwick was wrong and if they thought the evidence of Mrs. Cluppins worthy of credence they would believe it and if they didn't why they wouldn't if they were satisfied that a breach of promise of marriage had been committed they would find for the plaintiff with such damages as they thought proper and if on the other hand the marriage had ever been given they would find for the defendant with no damages at all the jury then retired to their private room to talk the matter over and the judge retired to his private room to refresh himself with a mutton chop and a glass of sherry an anxious quarter of an hour elapsed the jury came back Mr. Pickwick put on his spectacles and gazed at the foreman with an agitated countenance of his heart gentlemen said the individual in black are you all agreed upon your verdict we are replied the foreman do you find for the plaintiff gentlemen or for the defendant for the plaintiff with what damages gentlemen 750 pounds Mr. Pickwick took off his spectacles carefully wiped the glasses folded them into their case and put them in his pocket being drawn on his gloves with great nicety and stared at the foreman all the while he mechanically followed Mr. Perker and the blue bag out of court they stopped in a side room while Perker paid the court fees and here Mr. Pickwick was joined by his friends here too he encountered Messrs. Dodson and Fogg rubbing their hands with every token of outward satisfaction well gentlemen said Mr. Pickwick well sir said Dodson for self and partner you imagine you'll get your costs don't you gentlemen said Mr. Pickwick Fogg said they thought it rather probable Dodson smiled and said they'd try you may try and try and try again Messrs. Dodson and Fogg said Mr. Pickwick vehemently but not one farthing of costs or damages do you ever get from me if I spend the rest of my existence in a debtor's prison and you laugh Dodson you'll think better of that before next term Mr. Pickwick we'll soon see about that Mr. Pickwick grinned Fogg speechless with indignation Mr. Pickwick allowed himself to be led by his solicitor and friends to the door and there assisted into a hackney coach which had been fetched for the purpose by the ever watchful Sam Weller Sam had put up the steps and was preparing to jump upon the box Fogg felt himself gently touched on the shoulder and looking round his father stood before him the old gentleman's countenance wore a mournful expression as he shook his head gravely and said in warning accents I knowed what had come of this here motor-doing business oh Sammy Sammy by I want there a alibi End of Chapter 34 Chapter 35 of the Pickwick Papers by Charles Dickens Chapter 35 in which Mr. Pickwick thinks he had better go to bath and goes accordingly but surely my dear sir said little perker as he stood in Mr. Pickwick's apartment on the morning after the trial surely you don't really mean really in seriously now an irritation apart that you won't pay these costs and damages not one hit damages not one half penny said Mr. Pickwick firmly not one half penny hurrah for the principal as the moneylender said then he wouldn't renew the bill observed Mr. Weller who was clearing away the breakfast things Sam said Mr. Pickwick have the goodness to step downstairs certainly sir replied Mr. Weller and acting on Mr. Pickwick's gentle hint Sam retired my friends here have endeavored to dissuade me from this determination but without a veil I shall employ myself as usual until the opposite party have the power of issuing a legal process of execution against me and if they are vile enough to avail themselves of it and to arrest my person I shall yield myself up with perfect cheerfulness and content of heart when can they do this they can issue execution my dear sir for the amount of the damages and tax costs next term replied perker just two months hence my dear sir very good said Mr. Pickwick until that time my dear fellow let me hear no more of the matter and now continued Mr. Pickwick looking round on his friends with a good humored smile and a sparkle in his eye which no spectacles could dim or conceal the only question is where shall we go next Mr. Topman and Mr. Snodgrass were too much affected by their friend's heroism to offer any reply Mr. Winkle had not yet sufficiently recovered the recollection of his evidence at the trial to make any observation on any subject so Mr. Pickwick paused in vain well said that gentlemen if you leave me to suggest our destination I say back I think none of us have ever been there nobody had and as the proposition was warmly seconded by perker who considered it extremely probable that if Mr. Pickwick saw a little change in gaiety he would be inclined to take his determination and worse of a debtor's prison it was carried unanimously and Sam was at once dispatched to the White Horse cellar to take five places by the half-past seven o'clock coats next morning there were just two places to be had inside and just three to be had out so Sam Weller booked for them all and having exchanged a few compliments with the booking office clerk on the subject of a pewter half-crown which was tendered him as a portion of his change walked back to the George and Vulture where he was pretty busily employed until bedtime in reducing clothes and linen into the smallest possible compass and exerting his mechanical genius in constructing a variety of ingenious devices for keeping the lids on boxes which had neither locks nor hinges the next was a very unpropitious morning for a journey muggy, damp and drizzly the horses and the stages that were going out and had come to this city were smoking so that the outside passengers were invisible the newspaper sellers looked moist and smelled moldy the wet ran off the hats of the orange vendors as they thrust their heads into the coach windows and diluted the insides in a refreshing manner the Jews with the fifty bladed pen knives set them up in despair the men with the pocket books made pocket books of them watch guards and toasting forks were alike at a discount the oranges were a drug in the market leaving Sam Weller to rescue the luggage from the seven or eight porters who flung themselves savagely upon it the moment the coach stopped and finding that they were about twenty minutes too early Mr. Pickwick and his friends went for shelter into the traveller's room the last resource of human dejection the traveller's room at the White Horse cellar is of course uncomfortable it would be no traveller's room if it were not it is the right hand parlor the aspiring kitchen fireplace appears to have walked accompanied by a rebellious poker tongs and shovel it is divided into boxes for the solitary confinement of travellers and is furnished with a clock a looking glass and a live waiter which latter article is kept in a small kennel for washing glasses in a corner of the apartment one of these boxes was occupied on this particular occasion by a stern-eyed man of about five and forty who had a bald and glossy forehead with a good deal of black hair at the sides and back of his head and large black whiskers he was buttoned up to the chin in a brown coat and had a large seal-skin travelling cap and a great coat and cloak lying on the seat beside him he looked up from his breakfast as Mr. Pickwick entered with a fierce and peremptory air which was very dignified and having scrutinized that gentleman and his companions to his entire satisfaction hummed a tune in a manner which seemed to say that he rather suspected somebody wanted to take advantage of him but it wouldn't do Waiter, said the gentleman with the whiskers Sir replied a man with a dirty complexion and a towel of the same emerging from the kennel before mentioned Some more toast Yes, sir Buttered toast, mind, said the gentleman fiercely Directly, sir, replied the waiter The gentleman with the whiskers hummed a tune in the same manner as before and pending the arrival of the toast advanced to the front of the fire and taking his coat-tails under his arms looked at his boots and ruminated I wonder whereabouts in Bath this coach puts up, said Mr. Pickwick mildly addressing Mr. Winkle Hum, what's that? said the strange man I made an observation to my friend, sir replied Mr. Pickwick always ready to enter into conversation I wondered at what house the Bath coach put up Perhaps you can inform me Are you going to Bath? said the strange man I am, sir, replied Mr. Pickwick And those other gentlemen They are going also, said Mr. Pickwick Not inside I'll be damned if you're going inside said the strange man Not all of us, said Mr. Pickwick No, not all of you, said the strange man emphatically I've taken two places If they try to squeeze six people into an infernal box that only holds four I'll take a post, chase, and bring an action I've paid my fare, it won't do I told the clerk when I took my places that it wouldn't do I know these things have been done I know they are done every day but I never was done and I never will be Those who know me best, best know it Crush me Here the first gentleman rang the bell with great violence and told the waiter he'd better bring the toast in five seconds or he'd know the reason why My good sir, said Mr. Pickwick you will allow me to observe that this is a very unnecessary display of excitement I have only taken places inside for two I am glad to hear it said the fierce man I withdraw my expressions I tender an apology, there is my card Give me your acquaintance With great pleasure, sir, replied Mr. Pickwick We are to be fellow travelers and I hope we shall find each other's society mutually agreeable I hope we shall, said the fierce gentleman I know we shall, I like your looks they please me Gentlemen, your hands and names know me Of course an interchange of friendly salutations followed this gracious speech and the fierce gentleman immediately proceeded to inform the friends in the same short abrupt jerking sentences that his name was Dowler that he was going to bath on pleasure that he was formerly in the army that he had now set up in business as a gentleman that he lived upon the profits and that the individual for whom the second place was taken was a personage no less illustrious than Mrs. Dowler, his lady wife She's a fine woman, said Mr. Dowler I am proud of her, I have reason I hope I shall have the pleasure of judging said Mr. Pickwick with a smile You shall, replied Dowler She shall know you She shall esteem you Accorded her under singular circumstances I won her through a rash vow Thus, I saw her I loved her, I proposed She refused me, you love another spare my blushes I know him, you do good, if he remains here I'll skin him Lord bless me, exclaimed Mr. Pickwick involuntarily Did you skin the gentleman, sir inquired Mr. Winkle with a very pale face I wrote him a note I said it was a painful thing and so it was Certainly interposed Mr. Winkle I said I had pledged my word as a gentleman to skin him, my character was at stake I had no alternative As an officer in his majesty's service I was bound to skin him I dreaded the necessity, but it must be done He was open to conviction He saw that the rules of the service were imperative, he fled I married her. Here's the coach, that's her head. As Mr. Dowler concluded he pointed to a stage which had just driven up from the open window of which a rather pretty face in a bright blue bonnet was looking among the crowd on the pavement most probably for the rash man himself. Mr. Dowler paid his bill and hurried out with his traveling cat, coat, and cloak and Mr. Pickwick and his friends followed to secure their places Mr. Totman and Mr. Snodgrass had seated themselves at the back part of the coach Mr. Winkle had got inside and Mr. Pickwick was preparing to follow him when Sam Weller came up to his master and whispering in his ear begged to speak to him with an error of the deepest mystery Well, Sam, said Mr. Pickwick What's the matter now? Here's Rayther a rum go, sir replied Sam What? inquired Mr. Pickwick This here, sir, rejoined Sam I'm very much afraid, sir that the preparator of this here coach is applying some imprints with us How is that, Sam? said Mr. Pickwick Aren't the names down on the waybill? The names is not only down on the waybill, sir replied Sam but they painted bunnenham upon the door of the coach As Sam spoke he pointed to that part of the coach on which the proprietor's name usually appears and there, sure enough in guilt letters of a goodly size was the magic name of Pickwick Dear me, exclaimed Mr. Pickwick quite staggered by the coincidence What a very extraordinary thing Yes, but that ain't all said Sam again directing his master's attention to the coach door Not content with writing up Pickwick they puts Moses up for it which I call an insult to injury as the parrot said then they not only took him from his native land but made him talk the English language out of words It's odd enough, certainly, Sam said Mr. Pickwick but if we stand talking here we shall lose our places What, ain't nothing to be done in consequence, sir? exclaimed Sam perfectly aghast at the coolness with which Mr. Pickwick prepared to ensconce himself inside Done, said Mr. Pickwick What should be done? Ain't nobody to be whopped for taking this here liberty, sir said Mr. Weller Who had expected that at least he would have been commissioned to challenge the guard and the coachman to a pugilistic encounter on the spot Certainly not replied Mr. Pickwick eagerly Not on any account jump up to your seat directly I am very much a feared muttered Sam to himself as he turned away that something queers come over the governor or he'd never have stood this so quiet I hope that air trial hasn't broken his spirit but it looks bad Mr. Weller shook his head gravely and it is worthy of remark as an illustration of the manner in which he took this circumstance to heart that he did not speak another word until the coach reached the Kensington Turnpike which was so long a time for him to remain taciturn that the fact may be considered wholly unprecedented Nothing worthy of special mention occurred during the journey Mr. Dowler related a variety of anecdotes all illustrative of his own personal prowess and desperation and appealed to Mrs. Dowler in corroboration thereof when Mrs. Dowler invariably brought in in the form of an appendix some remarkable fact or circumstance which Mr. Dowler had forgotten or had perhaps through modesty omitted for the addenda in every instance went to show that Mr. Dowler was even a more wonderful fellow than he made himself out to be Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Winko listened with great admiration and conversed with Mrs. Dowler who was a very agreeable and fascinating person so what between Mr. Dowler's stories and Mrs. Dowler's charms and Mr. Pickwick's good humor and Mr. Winko's good listening the insides contrived to be very companionable all the way the outsides did as outsides always do they were very cheerful and talkative at the beginning of every stage and very dismal and sleepy in the middle and very bright and wakeful again at the end there was one young gentleman in an India rubber cloak who smoked cigars all day and there was another young gentleman in a parody upon a great coat who lighted a good many and feeling obviously unsettled after the second whiff threw them away when he thought nobody was looking at him there was a third young man on the box who wished to be learned in cattle and an old one behind who was familiar with farming and smock-frocks and white coats who were invited to have a lift by the guard and who knew every horse and hustler on the road and off it and there was a dinner which would have been cheap at half a crown a mouth if any moderate number of mouths could have eaten it in the time and at seven o'clock p.m. Mr. Pickwick and his friends and Mr. Dowler and his wife respectively retired to their private sitting rooms at the White Heart Hotel opposite the great pump room back where the waiters from their costume were mistaken for Westminster boys only they destroyed the illusion by behaving themselves much better breakfast had scarcely been cleared away on the succeeding morning when a waiter brought in Mr. Dowler's card with a request to be allowed permission to introduce a friend Mr. Dowler at once followed up the delivery of the card by bringing himself and the friend also the friend was a charming young man of not much more than fifty dressed in a very bright blue coat with buttons, black trousers and the thinnest possible pair of highly polished boots a gold eyeglass was suspended from his neck by a short broad black ribbon a gold snuff box was lightly clasped in his left hand gold rings innumerable littered on his fingers and a large diamond pin set in gold listened in his shirt-frill he had a gold watch and a gold curb chain with large gold seals ebony cane with a gold top his linen was of the very whitest finest and stiffest his wig of the glossiest blackest and curliest his snuff was Prince's mixture his scent bouquet de roi his features were contracted into a perpetual smile and his teeth were in such perfect order that it was difficult at a small distance to tell the real from the false Mr. Pickwick said Mr. Dowler my friend Angelo Cyrus Bantam Esquire MC Bantam Mr. Pickwick know each other welcome to bath sir this is indeed an acquisition most welcome to bath sir it is long very long Mr. Pickwick since you drank the waters it appears an age Mr. Pickwick remarkable such were the expressions with which Angelo Cyrus Bantam Esquire MC took Mr. Pickwick's hand in his meantime and shrugging up his shoulders with a constant succession of bows as if he really could not make up his mind to the trial of letting it go again it is a very long time since I drank the waters certainly replied Mr. Pickwick for to the best of my knowledge I was never here before never in bath Mr. Pickwick exclaimed the grand master letting the hand fall in astonishment never in bath not bad not bad good good remarkable to my shame I must say that I am perfectly serious I really never was here before oh I see exclaimed the grand master looking extremely pleased yes yes good good better and better you are the gentleman of whom we have heard yes we know you Mr. Pickwick the reports of the trial and those confounded papers thought Mr. Pickwick they have heard all about me you are the gentleman residing on Clapham Green resumed Bantam who lost the use of his limbs from him prudently taking cold after port wine who could not be moved in consequence of acute suffering and who had the water from the king's bath bottled at 103 degrees and sent by wagon to his bedroom in town where he bathed, sneezed and the same day recovered very remarkable Mr. Pickwick acknowledged the compliment which the supposition implied to repudiate it now was standing and taking advantage of a moment's silence on the part of the MC begged to introduce his friends Mr. Tubman, Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass an introduction which overwhelmed the MC with delight and honor Bantam said Mr. Dowler Mr. Pickwick and his friends are strangers they must put their names down where is the book the register of the distinguished visitors in bath will be at the pump room this morning at the MC will you guide our friends to that splendid building and enable me to procure their autographs I will rejoin Dowler this is a long call it's time to go, I shall be here again in an hour come this is a ball knight said the MC again taking Mr. Pickwick's hand as he rose to go the ball knights in bath are moments snatched from paradise rendered bewitching by music beauty, elegance, fashion etiquette and above all the absence of tradespeople who are quite inconsistent with paradise and who have an amalgamation of themselves at the guild hall every fortnight which is to say the least remarkable goodbye, goodbye and protesting all the way downstairs that he was most satisfied and most delighted and most overpowered and most flattered Anzalos Cyrus Bantam S. Choir MC stepped into a very elegant chariot that waited at the door and rattled off at the appointed hour Mr. Pickwick and his friends, escorted by Dowler repaired to the assembly rooms and wrote their names down in the book an instance of condescension at which Anzalos Bantam was even more overpowered than before tickets of admission to that evening's assembly were to have been prepared for the whole party but as they were not ready Mr. Pickwick undertook despite all the protestations to the contrary of Anzalos Bantam to send Sam for them at four o'clock in the afternoon to the MC's house in Queen Square having taken a short walk through the city and arrived at the unanimous conclusion that Park Street was very much like the perpendicular streets a man sees in a dream which he cannot get up for the life of him they returned to the White Heart and despatched Sam on the errand which his master had pledged him Sam Weller put on his hat in a very easy and graceful manner and thrusting his hands in his waistcoat pockets walked with great deliberation to Queen Square whistling as he went along several of the most popular eras of the day as arranged with entirely new movements for that noble instrument the organ either mouth or barrel arriving at the number in Queen Square to which he had been directed he left off whistling and gave a cheerful knock which was instantaneously answered by a powdered headed footman in gorgeous livery and of symmetrical stature is this here Mr. Bantam's old feller inquired Sam Weller nothing abashed by the blaze of splendor which burst upon his sight in the person of the powdered headed footman with a gorgeous livery why young man? was the haughty inquiry of the powdered headed footman because of it is just you step into him with that air-card and say Mr. Weller is awaiting will you said Sam and saying it he very coolly walked into the hall and sat down the powdered headed footman slammed the door very hard and scowled very grandly but both the slam and the scowl were lost upon Sam who was regarding a mahogany umbrella stand with every outward token of critical approval apparently his master's reception of the card had impressed the powdered headed footman in Sam's favor for when he came back from delivering it he smiled in a friendly manner and said that the answer would be ready directly worry good said Sam tell the old gentleman not to put himself in a perspiration no hurry six foot I've had my dinner you dine early sir said the powdered headed footman I find it gets on better at supper when it does replied Sam have you been long in bath sir inquired the powdered headed footman I have not had the pleasure of hearing of you before I haven't created any worry surprising sensation here as yet rejoined Sam for me and the other fashionable's only come last night nice place sir said the powdered headed footman seems so observed Sam pleasant society sir remarked the powdered headed footman very agreeable servants sir I should think they was replied Sam affable unaffected say nothing to nobody's sorts of fellers oh very much so indeed sir said the powdered headed footman taking Sam's remarks as a high compliment very much so indeed do you do anything in this way sir inquired the tall footman producing a small snuff box with a fox's head on the top of it not without sneezing replied Sam why it is difficult sir I confess to the tall footman it may be done by degrees sir coffee is the best practice I carried coffee sir for a long time it looks very like rapeseer here a sharp peel at the bell reduced the powdered headed footman to the ignominious necessity of putting the fox's head in his pocket and hastening with a humble countenance to Mr. Bantam's study by the by whoever knew a man who never read a row either then got some small back parlor which he would call a study there is the answer sir said the powdered headed footman I'm afraid you'll find it inconveniently large don't mention it said Sam taking a letter with a small enclosure it's just possible as exhausted nader may manage to survive it I hope we show me it again sir said the powdered headed footman rubbing his hands and following Sam out to the doorstep you are worry of Lige and sir replied Sam consider what you owe to society and don't let yourself be injured by too much work for the sake of your fellow preachers keep yourself as quiet as you can only think what a loss you would be with these pathetic words Sam Weller departed very singular young man that said the powdered headed footman looking after Mr. Weller with a countenance which clearly showed he could make nothing of him Sam said nothing at all he winked shook his head smiled winked again and with an expression of countenance which seemed to denote that he was greatly amused with something or other walked merely away at precisely twenty minutes before eight o'clock that night Angelo Cyrus Bentham Esquire the master of the ceremonies emerged from his chariot at the door of the assembly rooms in the same wig the same teeth the same eyeglass the same watch and seals the same rings the same shirt pin and the same cane the only observable alterations in his appearance were that he wore a brighter blue coat with a white silk lining, black tights black silk stockings and pumps and a white waistcoat and was if possible just a thought more scented thus attired the master of the ceremonies in strict discharge of the important duties of his all important office planted himself in the room to receive the company bath being full the company and the six pence's in sholes in the ballroom the long card room the octagonal card room the staircases and the passages the home of many voices and the sound of many feet were perfectly bewildering dresses rustled feathers waved lights shone and jewels sparkled there was the music not of the quadril band for it had not yet commenced but the music of soft tiny footsteps with now and then a clear merry laugh low and gentle but very pleasant to hear in a female voice whether in bath or elsewhere brilliant eyes lighted up with pleasurable expectation gleamed from every side and look where you would some exquisite form glided gracefully through the throng and was no sooner lost than it was replaced by another as dainty and bewitching in the tea room and hovering round the card tables were a vast number of queer old ladies and decrepit old gentlemen discussing all the small talk and scandal of the day with the relish and gusto which sufficiently bespoke the intensity of the pleasure they derived from the occupation mingled with these groups were three or four matchmaking mamas appearing to be wholly absorbed by the conversation in which they were taking part but failing not from time to time to cast an anxious side long glance upon their daughters who remembering the maternal injunction to make the best use of their youth had already commenced incipient flirtations in the mislaying scarves putting on gloves setting down cups and so forth slight matters apparently but which may be turned to surprisingly good account by expert practitioners lounging near the doors and in remote corners where various knots of silly young men displaying various varieties of puppyism and stupidity amusing all sensible people near them with their folly and conceit and happily thinking themselves the objects of general admiration a wise and merciful dispensation which no good man will quarrel with and lastly seated on some of the back benches where they had already taken up their positions for the evening were diverse unmarried ladies past their grand climactic who not dancing because there were no partners for them and not playing cards lest they should be set down as irretrievably single were in the favorable situation of being able to abuse everybody without reflecting on themselves in short they could abuse everybody was there it was a scene of getty glitter and show of richly dressed people handsome mirrors chalked floors gerandolas and wax candles and in all parts of the scene gliding from spot to spot in silent softness bowing obsequiously to this party nodding familiarly to that and smiling complacently on all was the sprucily attired person of Angelo Cyrus Bentham Esquire the master of the ceremonies stop in the tea room take you six penneth then lay on hot water and call it tea drink it said Mr. Dowler in a loud voice directing Mr. Pickwick who advanced at the head of the little party with Mrs. Dowler on his arm into the tea room Mr. Pickwick turned and catching sight of him Mr. Bentham corkscrewed his way through the crowd and welcomed him with ecstasy my dear sir I am highly honored bath is favored Mrs. Dowler you embellished the rooms I congratulate you on your feathers remarkable anybody here inquired Dowler suspiciously anybody the elite of bath Mr. Pickwick do you see the old lady in the gauze turban the fat old lady inquired Mr. Pickwick innocently hush my dear sir nobody's fat or old in bath that's the dowager lady snuff enough is it indeed said Mr. Pickwick no less a person I assure you said the master of the ceremonies hush draw a little nearer Mr. Pickwick you see the splendidly dressed young man coming this way the one with the long hair and the particularly small forehead inquired Mr. Pickwick the same the richest young man in bath at this moment young lord mutton head you don't say so said Mr. Pickwick yes you'll hear his voice in a moment Mr. Pickwick he'll speak to me the other gentleman with him in the red under waistcoat and dark mustache is the honorable Mr. Cruston his bosom friend how do you do my lord very hot bantam said his lordship it is very warm my lord replied the emcee confounded assented the honorable Mr. Cruston have you seen his lordship's mail cart bantam inquired the honorable Mr. Cruston after a short pause during which young lord mutton head had been endeavouring to stare Mr. Pickwick out of countenance and Mr. Cruston had been reflecting what subjects his lordship could talk about best replied the emcee a mail cart what an excellent idea remarkable gracious heavens said his lordship I thought everybody had seen the new mail cart it's the neatest puttiest wastefulest thing that ever ran upon wheels painted wed with a queen piebald with the real box for the letters and all completes of the honorable Mr. Cruston and a little seat in front with an iron wail for the driver added his lordship I drove it over to bustle the other morning in a quimson coat with two servants whiting a quarter of a mile behind and confound me if the people didn't wash out of their cottages in west my poigwest to know if I wasn't the post glorious glorious at this anecdote his lordship laughed very heartily as did the listeners of course then drawing his arm through that of the obsequious Mr. Cruston lord mutton head walked away delightful young man his lordship said the master of the ceremonies so I should thank rejoin Mr. Pickwick dryly the dancing having commenced the necessary introductions having been made and all preliminaries arranged Angelo Bentham rejoined Mr. Pickwick and led him into the card room just at the very moment of their entrance the dowager ladies snuff enough and two other ladies of an ancient and wist like appearance were hovering over an unoccupied card table and they no sooner set eyes upon Mr. Pickwick under the convoy of Angelo Bentham then they exchanged glances with each other seeing that he was precisely the very person they wanted to make up the rubber my dear Bentham said the dowager ladies snuff enough coaxingly find us some nice creature to make up this table there's a good soul Mr. Pickwick happened to be looking another way at the moment so her ladyship nodded her head towards him and frowned expressively my friend Mr. Pickwick my lady will be most happy I am sure remarkably so so the emcee taking the hint Mr. Pickwick ladies snuff enough Mrs. Colonel Wugsby Miss Bolo Mr. Pickwick bowed to each of the ladies and finding escape impossible cut Mr. Pickwick and Miss Bolo against ladies snuff enough and Mrs. Colonel Wugsby as the trump card was turned up at the commencement of the second deal two young ladies hurried into the room and took their stations on either side of Mrs. Colonel Wugsby's chair where they waited patiently until the hand was over now Jane said Mrs. Colonel Wugsby turning to one of the girls what is it I came to ask my whether I might dance with the youngest Mr. Crawley whispered the prettier and younger of the two good God Jane how can you think of such things replied the mama indignantly haven't you repeatedly heard that his father has eight hundred a year which dies with him I am ashamed of you not on any account my whispered the other who is much older than her sister and very insipid artificial Lord mutton head has been introduced to me I said I thought I wasn't engaged ma you're a sweet pet my love replied Mrs. Colonel Wugsby tapping her daughter's cheek with her fan and they're always to be trusted he's immensely rich my dear bless you with these words Mrs. Colonel Wugsby kissed her eldest daughter most affectionately and frowning in a warning manner upon the other sorted her cards poor Mr. Pickwick he had never played with three female card players before they were so desperately sharp that they quite frightened him if he played a wrong card Ms. Bolo looked a small armory of daggers if he stopped to consider which was the right one lady snuff enough would throw herself back in her chair and smile with a mingled glance of impatience and pity to Mrs. Colonel Wugsby at which Mrs. Colonel Wugsby would shrug up her shoulders and cough as much as to say she wondered whether he ever would begin and of every hand Ms. Bolo would inquire with a dismal countenance and reproachful sigh why Mr. Pickwick had not returned to that diamond or led the club or roughed the spade or finessed the heart or led through the honour or brought out the ace or played up to the king or some such thing and in reply to all these grave charges Mr. Pickwick would be wholly unable to plead any justification whatever having by this time forgotten all about the game people came and looked on too which made Mr. Pickwick nervous besides all this there was a great deal of distracting conversation near the table between Angela Bantam and the two Mrs. Mattener who being single and singular paid great court to the master of the ceremonies in the hope of getting a stray partner now and then all these things combined with the noises and interruptions of constant comings in and goings out made Mr. Pickwick play rather badly the cards were against him also and when they left off at ten minutes past eleven Miss Bolo rose from the table considerably agitated and went straight home in a flood of tears and a sedan chair being joined by his friends who one and all protested that they had scarcely ever spent a more pleasant evening Mr. Pickwick accompanied them to the white heart and having soothed his feelings with something hot went to bed and to sleep almost simultaneously End of Chapter 35 Chapter 36 of the Pickwick Papers by Charles Dickens this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Deborah Lynn the Pickwick Papers by Charles Dickens Chapter 36 the chief features of which will be found to be an authentic version of the legend of Prince Bladdard and the most extraordinary calamity that befell Mr. Winkle As Mr. Pickwick contemplated a stay of at least two months in bath he deemed it advisable to take private lodgings for himself and friends for that period and as a favorable opportunity offered for their securing on moderate terms the upper portion of a house in the Royal Crescent which was larger than they required Mr. and Mrs. Dowler offered to relieve them of a bedroom and sitting room this proposition was at once accepted and in three days time they were all located in their new abode when Mr. Pickwick began to drink the waters with the utmost aciduity Mr. Pickwick took them systematically he drank a quarter of a pint before breakfast and then walked up a hill and another quarter of a pint after breakfast and then walked down a hill and after every fresh quarter of a pint Mr. Pickwick declared in the most solemn and emphatic terms that he felt a great deal better whereas his friends were very much delighted though they had not been previously aware of anything the matter with him the great pump room is a spacious saloon ornamented with Corinthian pillars and a music gallery and a tompian clock and a statue of Nash and a golden inscription to which all the water drinkers should attend for it appeals to them in the cause of a deserving charity there is a large bar with a marble base out of which the pumper gets the water and there are a number of yellow looking tumblers out of which the company gets it and it is a most edifying and satisfactory sight to behold the perseverance and gravity with which they swallow it there are baths near a hand in which a part of the company wash themselves and a band plays afterwards to congratulate the remainder on their having done so there is another pump room into which infirm ladies and gentlemen are wheeled in such an astonishing variety of chairs and chases that any adventurous individual with a regular number of toes is in imminent danger of coming out without them and there is a third into which the quiet people go for it is less noisy than either there is an immensity of promenading on crutches and off with sticks and without and a great deal of conversation and liveliness and pleasantry every morning the regular water drinkers Mr. Pickwick among the number met each other in the pump room took their quarter of a pint and walked constitutionally at the afternoon's promenade Lord Muttenhead and the honorable Mr. Krushton the Dowager Lady Snuffenough Mrs. Colonel Wugsby and all the great people and all the morning water drinkers met in grand assemblage after this they walked out or drove out or were pushed out in bath chairs and met one another again after this the gentlemen went to the reading rooms and met divisions of the mass after this they went home if it were theater night perhaps they met at the theater if it were assembly night they met at the rooms and if it were neither they met the next day a very pleasant routine with perhaps a slight tinge of sameness Mr. Pickwick was sitting up by himself after a day spent in this manner making entries in his journal his friends having retired to bed when he was roused by a gentle tap at the room door beg your pardon sir said Mrs. Craddock the landlady peeping in but did you want anything more sir? nothing more ma'am replied Mr. Pickwick my young girl has gone to bed sir said Mrs. Craddock and Mr. Dowler is good enough to say that he'll sit up for Mrs. Dowler as the party isn't expected to be over till late so I was thinking that if you wanted nothing more Mr. Pickwick I would go to bed ma'am replied Mr. Pickwick wish you good night sir said Mrs. Craddock good night ma'am Mrs. Craddock closed the door and Mr. Pickwick resumed his writing in half an hour's time the entries were concluded Mr. Pickwick carefully rubbed the last page on the blotting paper shut up the book wiped his pen on the bottom of the inside of his coattail and opened the drawer of the ink stand there were a couple of sheets of writing paper pretty closely written over in the ink stand drawer and they were folded so that the title which was in a good round hand was fully disclosed to him seeing from this that it was no private document and as it seemed to relate to Bath and was very short Mr. Pickwick unfolded it, lighted his bedroom candle that it might burn up well by the time he finished and drawing his chair nearer the fire he read as follows the true legend of Prince Bladded less than two hundred years ago on one of the public baths in this city there appeared an inscription in honor of its mighty founder the renowned Prince Bladded that inscription is now erased for many hundred years before that time there had been handed down from age to age an old legend that the illustrious Prince being afflicted with leprosy creeping a rich harvest of knowledge in Athens shunned the court of his royal father and consorted mootily with husbandmen and pigs among the herd, so said the legend was a pig of grave and solemn countenance with whom the Prince had a fellow feeling for he too was wise a pig of thoughtful and reserved demeanor an animal superior to his fellows whose grunt was terrible and whose bite was sharp and his coat sighed deeply as he looked upon the countenance of the majestic swine he thought of his royal father and his eyes were bedewed with tears this sagacious pig was fond of bathing in rich moist mud not in summer as common pigs do now to cool themselves and did even in those distant ages which is a proof that the light of civilization had already begun to dawn no feebly but in the cold sharp days of winter his coat was ever so sleek and his complexion so clear that the Prince resolved to assay the purifying qualities of the same water that his friend resorted to he made the trial beneath that black mud bubbled the hot springs of bath he washed and was cured hastening to his father's court he paid his best respect and returning quickly hither founded this city and its famous baths he sought the pig with all the ardor of their early friendship but alas the waters had been his death he had imprudently taken a bath at too high a temperature and the natural philosopher was no more he was succeeded by Pliny who also fell a victim to his thirst for knowledge this was the legend listen to the true one a great many centuries since there flourished in great state the famous and renowned king of Britain he was a mighty monarch the earth shook when he walked he was so very stout his people basked in the light of his countenance it was so red and glowing he was indeed every inch a king and there were a good many inches of him too for although he was not very tall he was a remarkable size round and the inches that he wanted in height he made up in circumference if any degenerate monarch of modern times could be in any way compared with him I should say the venerable king Cole would be that illustrious potentate this good king had a queen who eighteen years before had had a son who was called Bladded he was sent to a preparatory seminary in his father's dominions until he was ten years old and was then dispatched in charge of a trusty messenger to a finishing school at Athens and as there was no extra charge for remaining during the holidays and no notice required previous to the removal of a pupil there he remained for eight long years at the expiration of which time the king his father sent the Lord Chamberlain over to settle the bill and to bring him home which the Lord Chamberlain doing was received with shouts and pensioned immediately when King Ludd saw the prince's son and found he had grown up such a fine young man he received what a grand thing it would be to have him married without delay so that his children might be the means of perpetuating the glorious race of Ludd down to the very latest ages of the world with this view he sent a special embassy composed of great noblemen who had nothing particular to do and wanted lucrative employment to a neighboring king and demanded his fair daughter in marriage for his son stating at the same time that he was anxious to be on the most affectionate terms with his brother and friend but that if they couldn't agree in arranging this marriage he should be under the unpleasant necessity of invading his kingdom and putting his eyes out to this the other king who was the weaker of the two replied that he was very much obliged to his friend and brother for all his goodness and magnanimity and that his daughter was quite ready this answer no sooner reached Britain than the whole nation was transported with joy nothing was heard on all sides but the sounds of feasting and revelry except the chinking of money as it was paid in by the people to the collector of the royal treasures to defray the expenses of the happy ceremony it was upon this occasion that King Ludd seated on the top of his throne in full council rose in the exuberance of his feelings he handed the lord chief justice to order in the richest wines and the court minstrels an act of graciousness which has been through the ignorance of traditionary historians attributed to King Cole in those celebrated lines in which his majesty is represented as calling for his pipe and calling for his pot and calling for his fiddlers three which is an obvious injustice to the memory of King Ludd and a dishonest exhalation of the virtues of King Cole but in the midst of all this festivity and rejoicing there was one individual present who tasted not when the sparkling wines were poured forth and who danced not when the minstrels played this was no other than prince bladdered himself in honor of whose happiness a whole people were at that very moment straining alike their throats and purse strings the truth was that the prince forgetting the undoubted right of the minister for foreign affairs to fall in love on his behalf had contrary to every precedent of policy and diplomacy already fallen in love on his own account and privately contracted himself onto the fair daughter of a noble Athenian here we have a striking example of one of the manifold advantages of civilization and refinement if the prince had lived in later days he might at once have married the object of his father's choice and then set himself seriously to work to relieve himself of the burden which rested heavily upon him he might have endeavored to break her heart by a systematic course of insult and neglect or if the spirit of her sex and a proud consciousness of her many wrongs had upheld her under this ill treatment he might have sought to take her life and so get rid of her effectually but neither mode of relief suggested itself to prince bladdered so he solicited a private audience and told his father it is an old prerogative of kings to govern everything with their passions king ludd flew into a frightful rage tossed his crown up to the ceiling and caught it again for in those days kings kept their crowns on their heads and not in the tower stamped the ground wrapped his forehead wondered why his own flesh and blood rebelled against him and finally calling in his guards an instant confinement in a lofty turret a course of treatment which the kings of old very generally pursued towards their sons when their matrimonial inclinations did not happen to point to the same quarter as their own when prince bladdered had been shut up in the lofty turret for the greater part of a year with no better prospect before his bodily eyes than a stone wall or before his mental vision then prolonged imprisonment he naturally began to ruminate which after months of preparation he managed to accomplish considerably leaving his dinner knife in the heart of his jailer thus the poor fellow who had a family should be considered privy to his flight and punished accordingly by the infuriated king the monarch was frantic at the loss of his son he knew not on whom to vent his grief and wrath until fortunately be thinking himself of the lord chamberlain who had brought him home he struck off his pension and his head together meanwhile the young prince effectually disguised wandered on foot through his father's dominions cheered and supported in all his hardships by sweet thoughts of the Athenian maid who was the innocent cause of his weary trials one day he stopped to rest in a country village and seeing that there were gay dances going forward on the green and gay faces passing to and fro ventured to inquire of a reveler who stood near him the reason for this rejoicing no you not o stranger was the reply of the recent proclamation of our gracious king proclamation? no, what proclamation rejoined the prince for he had traveled along the by and little frequented ways and knew nothing of what had passed upon the public roads such as they were why replied the peasant the foreign lady that our prince wished to wed is married to a foreign noble of her own country and the king proclaims the fact and a great public festival besides for now of course prince bladded will come back and marry the lady his father chose who they say is as beautiful as the noonday's son your health sir god saved the king the prince remained to hear no more he fled from the spot and plunged into the thickest recesses of a neighboring wood on on he wandered day beneath the blazing sun and the cold pale moon through the dry heat of noon and the damp cold of night in the gray light of morn and the red glare of eve so heedless was he of time or object that being bound for Athens he wandered as far out of his way as bath there was no city where bath stands then there was no vestige of human habitation or sign of man's resort to bear the name noble country the same broad expanse of hill and dale the same beautiful channel stealing on far away the same lofty mountains which like the troubles of life viewed at a distance and partially obscured by the bright mist of its morning lose their ruggedness and asperity and seem all ease and softness moved by the gentle beauty of the scene the prince sank upon the green turf and bathed his swollen feet with his tears oh! said the unhappy bladdered clasping his hands and mournfully raising his eyes towards the sky would that my wanderings might end here would that these grateful tears with which I now mourn hope misplaced and love despised might flow in peace forever the wish was heard it was in the time of the heathen deities who used occasionally to take people at their words with a promptness in some cases extremely awkward the ground opened beneath the prince's feet he sank into the chasm and instantaneously it closed upon his head forever save where his hot tears welled up through the earth and where they have continued to gush forth ever since it is observable that to this day large numbers of elderly ladies and gentlemen who have been disappointed in procuring partners and almost as many young ones who are anxious to obtain them prepare annually to bath to drink the waters from which they derive much strength and comfort this is most complimentary to the virtue of prince bladdered's tears and strongly corroborative of the veracity of this legend Mr. Pickwick yawned several times when he had arrived at the end of this little manuscript carefully refolded and replaced it in the ink-stand drawer and then with a countenance expressive of the utmost weariness Mr. Pickwick went to his bedchamber candle and went upstairs to bed he stopped at Mr. Dowler's door according to custom and knocked to say good night ah said Dowler going to bed wish I was dismal night windy isn't it very said Mr. Pickwick good night Mr. Pickwick went to his bedchamber and Mr. Dowler resumed his seat before the fire in fulfillment of his rash promise to the house there are a few things more worrying than sitting up for somebody especially if that somebody be at a party you cannot help thinking how quickly the time passes with them which drags so heavily with you and the more you think of this the more your hopes of their speedy arrival decline clocks tick so loud too when you were sitting up alone and you seem as if you had an undergarment of cobwebs on and then the same sensation irritates your left you have no sooner changed your position than it comes again in the arms when you have fidgeted your limbs into all sorts of queer shapes you have a sudden relapse in the nose which you rub as if to rub it off as there is no doubt you would if you could eyes too are mere personal inconveniences and the wick of one candle gets an inch and a half long while you are snuffing the other these and various other nervous annoyances render sitting up for a length of time after everybody else has gone to bed anything but a cheerful amusement this was just Mr. Dowler's opinion as he sat before the fire and felt honestly indignant with all the inhuman people at the party who were keeping him up he was not put into better humor either by the reflection that he had taken it into his head early in the evening to think he had got an ache there and so stopped at home at length after several droppings of sleep and fallings forward towards the bars and catchings backwards soon enough to prevent being branded in the face Mr. Dowler made up his mind that he would throw himself on the bed in the back room and think not sleep of course I'm a heavy sleeper said Mr. Dowler as he flung himself on the bed I must keep awake I suppose I shall hear a knock here yes I thought so I can hear the watchman there he goes fainter now though a little fainter he's turning the corner ah when Mr. Dowler arrived at this point he turned the corner at which he had been long hesitating and fell fast asleep just as the clock struck three there was blown into the crescent a sedan chair with Mrs. Dowler inside worn by one short fat chairman and one long thin one who had had much a do to keep their bodies perpendicular to say nothing of the chair but on that high ground and in the crescent which the wind swept round and round as if it were going to tear the paving stones up its fury was tremendous they were very glad to set the chair down and give a good round loud double knock at the street door they waited some time but nobody came servants is in the arms of porpoise I think said the short chairman warming his hands with the attendant linked boys torch I wish he'd give him a squeeze and wake him observe the long one knock again will you if you please cried Mrs. Dowler from the chair knock two or three times if you please the short man was quite willing to get the job over as soon as possible so he stood on the step and gave four or five most startling double knocks of eight or ten knocks apiece while the long man went into the road and looked up at the windows for a light nobody came it was all as silent and dark as ever dear me said Mrs. Dowler you must knock again if you please there ain't a bell is there ma'am said the short chairman yes there is interposed the linked boy I've been a ringing at it ever so long it's only a handle said Mrs. Dowler the wire's broken wish the servants heads was growled the long man I must trouble you to knock again please said Mrs. Dowler with the utmost politeness the short man did knock again several times without producing the smallest effect the tall man growing very impatient then relieved him and kept on perpetually knocking double knocks of two loud knocks each like an insane postman at length Mr. Winkle began to dream that he was at a club and that the members being very refractory the chairman was obliged to hammer a good deal to preserve order then he had a confused notion of an auction room where there were no bidders and the auctioneer was buying everything in and ultimately he began to think it just within the bounds of possibility that somebody might be knocking at the street door to make quite certain however he remained quiet in bed for ten minutes or so and listened and when he had counted two or three and thirty knocks he felt quite satisfied with himself a great deal of credit for being so wakeful Rep! Rep! Rep! Rep! Rep! Rep! Rep! Rep! Rep! Rep! Rep! Rep! Mr. Winkle jumped out of bed wondering very much what could possibly be the matter and hastily putting on his stockings and slippers folded his dressing gown round him lighted a flat candle from the rush light that was burning in the fireplace and hurried downstairs here's somebody coming at last sir chairman I wish I was behind him with the bread all muttered the long one who's there? cried Mr. Winkle undoing the chain don't stop to ask questions cast iron head replied the long man with great disgust taking it for granted that the inquirer was a footman but opened the door come look sharp timber eyelids added the other encouragingly Mr. Winkle being half asleep obeyed the command mechanically opened the door a little and peeped out the first thing he saw was the red glare of the link boy's torch startled by the sudden fear that the house might be on fire he hastily threw the door wide open and holding the candle above his head stared eagerly before him not quite certain whether what he saw was a sedan chair or a fire engine at this instant there came a violent gust of wind the light was blown out Mr. Winkle felt himself irresistibly impelled on to the steps and the door blew too with a loud crash well young man now you have done it said the short chairman Mr. Winkle catching sight of a lady's face at the window of the sedan turned hastily round applied the knocker with all his might and main and called frantically upon the chairman to take the chair away again take it away take it away cried Mr. Winkle here's somebody coming out of another house put me into the chair hide me do something with me all this time he was shivering with cold and every time he raised his hand to the knocker the wind took the dressing gown in a most unpleasant manner the people are coming down the crescent now there are ladies with them cover me up with something stand before me Mr. Winkle but the chairman were too much exhausted with laughing to afford him the slightest assistance and the ladies were every moment of her and nearer Mr. Winkle gave a last hopeless knock the ladies were only a few doors off he threw away the extinguished candle which all this time he had held above his head and fairly bolted into the sedan chair where Mrs. Dowler was now Mrs. Craddock had heard the knocking and the voices at last and only waiting to put something smarter on her head than her nightcap ran down into the front drawing room to make sure that it was the right party throwing up the window sash as Mr. Winkle was rushing into the chair she no sooner caught sight of what was going forward below than she raised a vehement and dismal shriek and implored Mr. Dowler to get up directly for his wife was running away with another gentleman upon this Mr. Dowler bounced off the bed as abruptly as an indio rubber ball and rushing into the front room arrived at one window just as Mr. Pickwick threw up the other when the first object that met the gaze of both was Mr. Winkle bolting into the sedan chair Watchman shouted Dowler furiously stop him hold him keep him tight shut him until I come down I'll cut his throat give me a knife from ear to ear Mrs. Craddock I will and breaking from the shrieking landlady and from Mr. Pickwick the indignant husband seized a small supper knife and tore into the street but Mr. Winkle didn't wait for him he no sooner heard the horrible threat of the valorous Dowler than he bounced out of the sedan quite as quickly as he had bounced in and throwing off his slippers into the road took to his heels and tore around the crescent hotly pursued by Dowler and the Watchman he kept ahead the door was open as he came round the second time he rushed in slammed it in Dowler's face mounted to his bedroom locked the door piled a wash hand stand chest and drawers and a table against it and packed up a few necessaries ready for flight with the first ray of morning Dowler came up to the outside of the door avowed through the keyhole his steadfast determination of cutting Mr. Winkle's throat next day and after a great confusion of voices in the drawing room amidst which that of Mr. Pickwick was distinctly heard endeavoring to make peace the inmates dispersed to their several bed chambers and all was quiet once more it is not unlikely that the inquiry may be made where Mr. Weller was all this time we will state where he was in the next chapter end of chapter 36