 Welcome Sayyidina, good to have you on the show, thank you, good to have you as well. Thank you very much Sayyidina. Sayyidina, we'll kick start the show straight away insha'Allah so we can get some questions in and phone calls in later on. The first question that we received and we want to talk about insha'Allah is that in the last show we discussed for example the sexual organs, how can, how is it important for our father or mother to discuss these issues with their son or their daughter? Why is it important? We know very well that our sons and our daughters are a trial in some cases in Islamic thought from God and we know very well that even the prophets of God if you look at them many of them faced major trials with their sons and daughters and I know that there are many families out there who tried their hardest with their sons or with their daughters to keep them on the path in what is a very difficult period, there's so many challenges that are faced out there let alone the natural sexual desires that the human being has. If you look within the Holy Quran you'll find not every prophet of God necessarily had children who turned out to be the most religious people, indeed some prophets of God had children who turned out to be disbelievers at the end of their life so these prophets such as Adam, such as Nooh, such as Yaqub, these prophets had major trials and tribulations one may argue with sons such as Qabil for example but what you found is that when a person recognizes that they're going to have children who are going to be a test who may be a trial from God it's fundamental that we're ready to open up even on the most controversial or challenging areas that we may not have experienced when we were their age because you know especially if you're looking at some of our communities for example some of our communities for example let's say they came from Iraq some of them came from the Middle East, from Africa, from that background India, Pakistan the sexual challenges that may be faced in that society are definitely not necessarily going to be the same as Europe and America for example in those societies you may have more of a focus sometimes on for example a more traditional outlook very conservative whereas when you're looking for example at the middle at America or you're looking at Europe there may be more of a liberal outlook on certain things I don't want to generalize and say that everybody has a liberal outlook but you could say generally there was a more liberal outlook so now when you come to this country in the 1980s for example or you come in the 1990s the parents find a dilemma are we to be extra conservative with our children where they can only go to school go to the mosque go to school go to the mosque or what happens when for example our children want to go out with their friends and they want to go out with their friends for example to town they want to go to their friends play sports they want to go with their friends to the shopping centers in some of our parents generation you'll find that this was unheard of in a more conservative city there's a huge culture clash essentially yeah there is a culture clash and that culture clash is one where for example you're told only mixing with the opposite gender is completely forbidden you'll find that many parents would have met there you know you met your wife because of an arranged relationship and now you find yourself in a society where it's extremely normal to have the opposite gender even just as a friend not someone who you may want to have a sexual relationship with so it becomes I think more important that the parents firstly recognize that their children's times may be different to their times and that secondly the parents are there is a willingness from the parents to adapt where the parents are willing to say that you know what let me sit with my child let me discuss which issues they're facing if you look in the Quran there's a story named after a man who himself was not necessarily a prophet of God but was a man of wisdom and that man was Luqman Luqman al-Hakeem Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala gives him a whole story in the Quran and one may argue prophets like Musa and Isa didn't get stories named after them yet Luqman gets a story named after him and in this story you find that Luqman alaihi salam has a very intriguing discussion with his son where he realizes that there are challenges that his son is facing which the father never expected him to necessarily face as i'm from the beginning there there's the challenge of belief in the oneness of God oh my son do not put partners to Allah for polytheism is one of the greatest forms of oppression to the soul of the human being and then Luqman goes on to talk about for example aqim al-salat make sure that you establish Salah make sure that you enjoy the good make sure that you're of those who for example forbids the evil be patient with what you face he then later on begins to talk with him about for example the way he walks the way he talks that father in the Quran recognized i cannot expect my son just because he's the son of a religious family not to face certain trials and certain tests in their day-to-day life one can argue that that son would face more trials than any normal person yeah under the pressure i i think that many times you'll find that there are sayids sheikhs maulanas whose sons and daughters in many cases have so much pressure on them unfairly at the end of the day you didn't choose to be born into the family of a of a maulana of a renowned scholar or of a mufti or of a qadi or something unfairly that's our community reckon think straight away that if they're the son of say it for land the son of sheikh for land they have to be religious not at all and he's not one of your family even nabino faces this test with his son and so i think we put that pressure there but whether you're from the family of a sheikh or a say it the humans are human when bulug comes when adolescence comes there's a frantic hormonal change taking place now either that father sits the son down in that seven to fourteen age period as the holy prophet peace be upon his family mentioned that that seven to fourteen age period that's a period of for example discipline let's say either you sit your son down when you sit your son down you open up or you find avenues to become friends with your son where you can open up on such issues because the prophet Muhammad peace be upon his family he says that from the age of fourteen to twenty one that should be a period of friendship sadly for many sons that's the period when their dads don't talk to them much at all you'd expect your dad to come and sit with you are you interested for example let's say you're 20 years old have you thought about marriage would you like me to pursue helping you get married or for example at the moment are you going out with anyone if you are going out with anyone are you doing it in the legitimate way or an illegitimate way for example are you finding that do you know the laws of for example purification if you've had sexual intercourse there are some people who don't have a clue until old age about for example you know after sexual intercourse they'll have sex and after having had sex they don't know that for example islam talks of a major ablution and islam talks of a minor ablution so with the fathers i believe and likewise with the mothers with the mothers you'll find that i think the mothers do try and build more of a friendship with their daughters but still i believe that sometimes for that mother or father they'll always believe that their young girl is still young even she's 22 and they'll always believe sometimes that their young girl is as innocent as she's ever been what they don't know is maybe that that young girl of theirs can take you to the river and bring you back thirsty meaning that that girl knows everything that's going on you think that you're gonna speak to your daughter like you know some of our grandmothers may god bless them i always wonder about the conversation they had with our mothers about what exactly was gonna happen in marriage now i don't know how our grandmothers describe sexual acts i'm sure they had their own ways but i think today the old grandmother metaphors need to go and mothers have to be a bit more blatant with their daughters and telling them that listen it's more of an open society snapchat instagram facebook facebook twitter you can easily befriend anybody out there and you can have a sexual liaison with anybody but say don't you think there might be a danger when discussing these certain topics like for example what i or doing having relationship in the legitimate way don't you think there's a danger of that son or daughter making that's more important than marriage or long-term marriage there is no doubt that long-term marriage remains the most important act and the most important goal we're trying on the show to face the realities 100 there is a reality out there that as much as we'd want many of our youths to be patient and i think that we have a number of our youths who can be patient there are also a number of our youths who find it very difficult in a hypersexualized society and when i say hypersexualized society someone might think we're only talking european america the internet has changed the ball game completely 100 you could be anywhere in the world indeed i would argue that some arab countries probably have more porn being passed around and some middle eastern countries have more porn being passed around than even here yes it might not be done in the open you might not have for example pornography stores you might not have sex shops in the open but people still have the ability to pass on messages from one friend to another from one group to another from one circle to another when we live in this hypersexualized society we have to make clear what islam says my prophet peace be upon his family does not tell his companions in early islam the method for finding satisfaction to their sexual desires when they used to go away from their wives when he's saying such things he must be offering a certain solution of course but at the end of the day and many other lectures and many other of our programs we've always stressed that the norm and the greatest act is of course the permanent marriage the temporary marriage can never take the place of the permanent marriage and anyone who thinks the temporary marriage has got as much reward as the permanent marriage no not at all when we're looking at the prophet and the ahl al-bayt al-salam they found pride and honor in having a partner for life the year of grief was a year for the prophet Muhammad peace be upon his family when he lost his wife khadija he never showed that much sadness for any wife like he showed for say the khadija al-salam so if we're following the example of our prophet peace be upon his family then definitely the permanent marriage is the norm now i'll say you mentioned how permanent marriage is more important but like you said there is a reality in society and the reality is no matter how much we do push permanent marriage out there are still videos going around on social media there are people interacting through social media behind their parents backs maybe in universities in colleges how do we tackle this issue and ensure they do it the legit way rather than falling into zina i'd be happy if you find your future spouse in university but naturally it's going to be a test whether you can maintain a dignified relationship in that period and i'd be happy if there is a change in the muslim community and i'm talking the jafari madhhab other madhhab who may reject for example the temporary marriage i'd be happy if parents now if somebody came to propose for their daughter but they're still at uni meaning that they may not necessarily be able to afford to live alone at the moment to pay rents and bills and so on i'd be happy if there are fathers out there who would say well if you've come to propose for my daughter then you can be in a temporary relationship with each other meaning engagement as i mentioned in the last show why do we always in the engagement do aked of nikah or of kettig term why can't it be a mut'a engagement and there's a couple of reasons for that number one the father can set conditions you two can see each other you two can hang with each other but there will be no sexual relationship for example until you get married in terms of a permanent marriage that's number one number two in that period say it doesn't work out then an engagement broke if you had done kettig tab or nikah if it doesn't work out divorced of course even if you had been together for a month even if you had been together for two months six months you're divorced yeah but i've never lived with this person you know i we we engaged and our wedding is going to come no because you've done an aked of nikah for example being the daimi rather than the muqata being the permanent rather than temporary then you're divorced that person will find it difficult then of course the girl and the guy both of them will find it difficult to be in a society which stigmatizes the divorcee so if you're telling me now you're at your let's say society at university or someone's on the same course as you where better to find your future partner than in the university setting you can be in that university setting get to know each other but take it to your parents i think that is something if you're certain that you're going to get married to each other now in that period before marriage you can get to know with one another there's no harm there you could talk with each other go out with each other islam is not a religion that wanted to force us into not being able to build our futures islam wanted to find a way of bringing ease rather than hardship now following up on that you mentioned you know if you meet someone university for example and you're serious about it you should take it to their parents let's assume and this is a question that has come through let's assume that their parents are happy with these two youth to get to know each other but haven't done a proposal or akad but that both parents are happy with them to get talking is it permissible for them to get physical in any way maybe cross certain boundaries let's say that someone might class as boundaries what's the limit if there is no legal contract between you and the person you're with meaning that there is no dowry agreed for example that there is no time period that's agreed then there is no relationship there and what i mean by that is say for example you went to propose for someone the parents accepted and they've said that your akad for example is when is in two months the parents have said yes in that two months you still will have to wait for the parents permission before you can hug your wife your future wife or kiss your future wife and so but you might turn around to me and say but her parents already know her parents have said to us that in two months time there'll be an engagement you've gone to each other's house you've drunk wherever you've drunk and you you know people have these different celebrations for doing these things you've done all of this but the dad for example says my daughter's not doing no more are you like no that's just a contract just to allow us no no in my tribe that's not allowed in my culture that's not allowed you know sometimes you have you know you know while having an open-minded father is a blessing from Allah SWT believe you me because you know i myself am honored that i come from a family open-minded whereas sometimes you'll find there are families out there the tribal leader who lives here has decided Habibi who's i don't really care about your tribal leader and i will never care about him say this would you blame a girl who doesn't want to because she's waiting to get married but her parents are so picky about for example this person's from that family from that city from that tribe he's not earning enough would you blame her if she goes into what i would agree with someone well obviously you have as i've mentioned before you have maraja who allow for example for a person to be involved in a relationship as long as for example intercourse does not happen and you also have maraja who puts a particular stipulation sometimes and that stipulation is that is she independent and is she reached the level of maturity and i think that we're going to come to a period where the definitions of independence and maturity are really relative definitions what's independence there used to be a time where a girl could not have any money unless her dad gave her some money to leave the house now you have girls who've earned more than their dads will ever dream now what's independent is that girl really relying on her father because we know the idea of the father figure is more of an idea of guidance rather than an actual established principle because there are maraja who turn around when it comes to the principles of you know the father having to give his permission and they'll say no and so i think that there are certain legal terms whether it's the legal terms of you know rosh or bulur and other terms where a person has to look at them and say is this definitions of adolescence and definitions of for example independence and maturity do they need a rethink i think yeah in certain societies a girl will only be under her dad's roof and even when the guy has got engaged to her everything's normal the dad will still say you can't go out with each other you do know that that's what happens it's part of the middle east happens here a lot there's parts of the middle east where they're blatant about it where they'll say to you for example that you know what you're gonna you two are engaged but you wait till the wedding until i see you together yeah but dad we're we're engaged we're married yeah surely now is the time for us to be hanging out you're not hanging out if you are hanging out you can hang out in front of me you're sitting on that sofa and you're sitting on that sofa and and so is that islam or is that culture now we have to rethink some of our legal discussions now with this western demographic and with the possible differences in orph person may have to rethink some of these areas which some marajah already have yeah now say that if the dad is so picky and you say for example the girl does go into muta even though he doesn't agree as i assume that she's independent fitting that criteria would you suggest to someone to marry a girl who has been in what she done a criminal act what she done well if it's open knowledge like the whole community knows who cares what the community knows in all honesty you rely on the community you know people love to throw stones and their houses not just made out glass glass which is just so easy to break you know a lot of people do care about what everyone thinks i'll you know for me personally someone who's tried to make sure that instead of the easiness of zina how easy adultery is how easy fornication is someone has turned around and said no i want to follow my lord's commands why would i see that as a negative and who's going to tell me it's a negative my community you know everyone's got their own legal challenges that same person who tells you that this girl has done this and this could be someone who's known to scam from the government steal money from the government lying people backbiting others to cover their own tracks there many have got many glass houses out there with their own issues where their kids sometimes subhanallah the ones who attack people the most if you look at their kids qabeel looked better you know if you look at some people he walks around like you know he's the judge of how everybody is so your children i don't know if they you know i don't know what their use is in society so for someone now to come and attack a sister in the community firstly such statements are either gheba or bohtan backbiting or slandering backbiting yeah you may be telling the truth about somebody but you know that they don't like you to talk about that slandering you may even have lied about someone few years later and this is this is the arrogance of the human being you lied about someone's reputation few years later you found that you were wrong you don't have the humility to go and tell them or even apologize no hey you know i heard this you spread it you spread it a few years later you're like i got that completely wrong nothing even happened there and what's happened to that poor girl someone in our communities destroyed her reputation so if you're asking me someone i look at the cup half half full not half empty that someone tried to maintain the boundaries of god that's someone to be respected now you did earlier mention zina it is one of the biggest sins can a sin like zina be forgiven yeah every sin that you commit in this world you can be forgiven for before you die every single sin and even if someone says to me well in an islamic state can there be the door of forgiveness for murder for example so you murdered someone we know very well that even in the laws of murder sometimes it may be a case of blood money being paid sometimes maybe a case that forgiveness is better and Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala in the Quran repeatedly mentions that he is the all forgiving the all merciful that wonderful verse of the holy Quran that i think every single muslim household should memorize when they asked what's the most beautiful of verses of the holy Quran all my servants who have been extravagant against themselves never be despondent of the mercy of Allah for Allah forgives every sin now when i say Allah forgives every sin we have to make a disclaimer here can't be an excuse that okay if Allah forgives every sin i'm gonna sin for the next 10 years then i'll go to hajj and i'll get married and then i'll become religious no it doesn't work like that a person who recognizes for example that you know what i've committed this sin imam ali bin ta'ab alayhi salam once heard the person saying and imam said to him do you know what that means someone committed zinnah for example they had sex outside of marriage they had sex with someone who's married and they say he said to him the first sign that you've been forgiven by Allah the first meaning of Allah is that you regret what you've done can't just be a case that you know what i did this but i was young so these things happen no no it has to be a case of you know what don't look at the size of the sin sincere look at who you were disobeying imam saying al abadi and says secondly is that you never ever do that act again you know you can't have committed zinnah and then a couple weeks later i've i mean done istaghfirullah rabi wa tawwala you're back doing zinnah again you're back doing adultery again so the first is to regret the second is never to do it again imam al-salaq alayhi salam in a wonderful tradition mentions that half of repentance is what is regret is that a person actually regrets what they have done and so we in the Muslim community if there are youths whose sexual desires led them to break the rites of what imam zain al abadi alayhi salam said are the haqq of the private parts that you don't use them for you know for zinnah those youths in our community or even those elders there may be people who are married who are watching the show who for example did this when they were younger Allah's door of repentance never closes and the main condition is that a person makes sure that they never do this again Santam said we're gonna go to a question that we've got online is from sister Fatima from America she says is it obligatory to have sex on the wedding night is there too much pressure in our cultures to do this i think i think there is there's pressure in our cultures to the extent that i heard that there are certain cultures which want to see the bed sheet which is absolutely absurd absolutely ridiculous but what happens you know the human being is an unbelievable creature can be higher than an angel lower than an animal they actually in some places would say to you that show us the bed sheet to prove to prove that the girl is a virgin now that's not only ridiculous but firstly who bought about such a culture it's not islamic there's no stress that on the first night of your of your marriage a person has to have sex um for all you know the couple may have had sex a few times before they've come to the first night but mommy and daddy still think that you know what they're you know they're very innocent and and i think what you find is is that there is this pressure it's very sad i feel sorry for those ladies who were told you know what let's see the bed sheet if there's blood on there then yes she's a virgin and she's and so on and and so this pressure is there even sometimes the friend circle might turn around and might say that you know what make sure that you have you know intercourse tonight and i'll see you in the morning and so on and even language like that it's not necessarily the language which we accustomed with the followers of Ahlul Bayt alaykum As-salam um and even when it comes to that wedding night for example if your relationship is one which is a truly loving relationship um and you've been very close to each other before it may come to that wedding night where for example the girl may turn around to you and say well i'm tired you know because the amount of pressure that goes into that whole wedding day is unbelievable um the girl might turn around to you and say you know what i'm tired the girl might turn around to you and say can we can we leave it for tonight she might turn around she might be nervous might be nervous as well which is a big thing that there might be a situation where for example it's the first time um that she has come near such an act um and even for for for the guy who said that all the guys who are getting married necessarily have had relationships before um and it's not just about sex the whole relationship it's fundamental but also it's about empathizing with the feelings of the person who's with you now there's all sorts of stories which i in my own uh lecture and career have come across many stories about what happens on that night and there are some guys who've had the odd slap because they've got near there are other guys who've been told blatantly that you know what some minds are elsewhere there's guys who've told their wives that i'm not interested in you there's guys who've told their wives that they may be interested in someone else who they've had a relationship with so while the parents may be there wondering what's this show me a she show me blood show me all of this well they don't realize is that could be the least of their challenges that night but islamically there is no such thing that on your wedding night you know islam wedding night there is mentioning of supplications to be recited there's mentioning of prayers to be prayed but there certainly is nothing about it's obligatory that a person has to have sex on their wedding night then said no let's assume that you've been told as a as the guy you've been told that by the girl that she's still a virgin yes so you've gone into this marriage with understanding that she's a virgin and then on the wedding night you find out that you've been lied to and she's in fact not a virgin what do you do in the situation as in does that break the legal oblique like the legal contract that you have with her i wouldn't say it necessarily breaks the legal contract and i would also say that there could be a possibility that a mistake was done in someone's teenage years which they felt that they may lose their partner their partner never found out although now with the you know operations available even if someone does lose their virginity there's ways in which you can you know ensure that nobody will find out so you know even if people assume that just because they are with somebody that night and automatically it means that oh i'm gonna see lots of blood or oh that means that this person is definitely not a virgin those are things to take on board but i think it's important that if somebody faces this issue not straight away to lash out not straight away to lose their temper but to actually ask them you know what talk to me why didn't you tell me this before there could be other reasons and i'm sad to say such things i really am but there could be other reasons which nobody wishes on a girl as to how she lost for example her virginity and her innocence but i don't think a person should lash out straight away although i always believe if there is a situation where somebody may have had a moment in their life before they've got married which has stuck with them i think it's good to tell the person who you're with in your engagement period you see i just want to focus on this a bit the engagement period if you two feel things aren't going well don't fall victim to the pressure of those around you saying to you that you have to remain in this marriage otherwise our family will be embarrassed you're not clicking don't continue there's no sexual attraction don't continue you feel the person you're with you've seen something listen could be anything could be you've seen for example i don't know a person may smell something in the person with them and they just don't like their odor a person may see that someone for example their body is not what they expected and i think with photoshop these days um you know magic can be done i couldn't look good and you know and and so on so so even even with these things habibi i think it's very important that in that engagement period don't listen to the pressures of those around you there's a danger of actually going ahead of the marriage maybe having children and then falling out correct i'm not saying that you break an engagement all of a sudden when there's a difficulty no there's ways to patch things up but i also think if both of you have had a certain situation that could come back later on talk to your partner do you suggest that solution in every situation like for example we're talking about now the trust of the woman about the trust of the man say say the wife catches the man cheating what do you do in that situation because that's a pack your bag at that moment you pack your bags that you and you and you run uh no i think um i think you know you're asking me what do you do if you catch your husband cheating what we're talking about you catch your fiance cheating you catch your husband who you've been married to for 15 years cheating you know what's going on i don't think it's as easy you know the really each scenario is different let's say each scenario because if you're if you're with the fiance and your fiance is for example someone who's who's already cheating on you that should give you an indication that you know this person who you're with is not exactly going to be someone who you can necessarily trust husband wise you know those are complicated issues and i'm not gonna back up any any guy out there who's having you know i don't you know i know that sometimes these things hurt of course sometimes they break families with kids and so on i'm not gonna back anyone up on this but that at that moment a person has to ask where's the relationship going what's happening there has to be a reflection on this um thank you very much saydina uh for answering these questions that we had from the viewers we'll answer more after the break inshallah so dear viewers stay tuned in and inshallah we will return to answer more of your questions and we'll see you in a bit inshallah welcome back dear viewers to live in london with dr sayd ammar and naqshawani i'd like to remind you dear viewers you can call in at any time and direct your questions to the sayid the number is 02035150199 with the uk code it would be plus 442035150199 now saydina before the break we were talking about if the lady the wife catches her husband cheating which is a big issue and it's happened a lot what is the correct thing to do in that situation well let me ask you what would you tell your sister she's married to somebody and and she comes and tells you that uh maybe i'm asking the wrong person because uh we could all get arrested on the show right now um but on on a serious note if your sister told you that you know i just found out that my fiance let's say let's start there my fiance i've caught him how did you catch him for example these days people may even make fake accounts or for example i caught him what's happening somebody and then i checked the number what would you tell your sister to do in such a situation honestly yes and he's a very close friend of yours let's say that changes okay no i think i think hold on one second okay the fact that you can't be defending your friend because it's a close friend of yours on the contrary if it was a close friend i'll be even more annoyed okay so you'll tell her there and then pack your bag i'll tell her depending on what's been done if it's just simple as messages and maybe it's a small mistake messages saying i love you i missed you last night was amazing no if it's for example messages that have been misinterpreted i'll ask this situation but if it's something like your messaging that's a straight pack your bags come home before anything escalates and then what would you say to her when she tells you that's it i made my mind up that's it yeah that's it bring her home because that's not if that's happening at the beginning of the marriage yes then imagine all happened further down the line now that six years they've been married four kids i think mathematically that works and and let's say for example see you don't be put me in the situation let me put you in the situation everyone puts me in the situation the whole year let me put you in the situation if for example now six years they've been married so i'd love to answer that but we do have a column the line saved by the phone come on thank you salamu alaykum wa rahmatullah can i have your name and where you are calling from hello you're okay my name is Hasan from London it's a question more or less i'm more or less to get advice from say it me and my wife have been married now for three years and we basically have one one child which was basically a honeymoon baby um now my wife has gone through a situation where she doesn't really want to have any more kids at the moment um and she keeps it's like a on and on situation you know where the same question you ask and it's more or less not now not now not now and we come from a culture from our parents you know to have as many children as possible basically um and they keep going you know you get that was you know give you with many children many children many children and she gets under pressure as well so it's like how do we go about it you know how what can what can uh say advice us as a family you know where do we go from here because it comes to a point obviously where she becomes very adamant and i don't want to obviously put the situation out where we don't have any more kids uh but what do we do from there because obviously i don't want to keep using you know proportion those all this time um so yeah it's more or less a question not to say it if possible if you could answer it thank you very much brother hasen inshallah yeah i think uh brother hasen poses a great question which many people ask and that is and that is important that we we look at this first and foremost brother hasen you never married your parents you married your wife your parents can keep encouraging as much as they want ultimately this is your marriage your relationship maybe your wife for example with the with the different challenges that you face whether it is in the world of work or in the world of economics there are different trials some people have with their studies with their employment maybe she thinks at this particular stage of her life she wants to fulfill some of her ambitions for example she wants to continue working on the degree that she earns at her university um and i think it's all about communication it's not about well there's pressure from the cousin so we have to have a child that to me is a very sad reason for having um a child i think your relationship you recognize that you know what we've had our child's a gift from god and mind you you can plan as much as you want if Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala decides there are many who will say that that one was expected that one was planned and that one was a complete accident but i don't think a person should have the pressure of parents or of cousins as to when they have their kids because there are some people as well when they when they for example get married the girl poor girl is asked like literally a couple months after the marriage any kids you know some ladies actually have a look let me see the curve is she pregnant hold on let me have a look let me have a look at the walk for goodness sake leave the girl alone why does the girl have to become pregnant straight away the girl may decide for example that listen let's go away let's go on a holiday let's go travel the world you know in the first six months first year first year and a half cement a bond in our relationship and even cement a bond in our sex life you know there are some girls in some cultures when they get married straight away they've got to live with the in-laws now i've got to admit for myself personally and that just might be the haraq in me but for me personally how do you enjoy sex when you know that two bedrooms away are your in-laws you either have one very controlled silent sex life you know where it's just like okay done by or you're brave or you're brave or even then when you want your wife to be walking around the house you know not wearing much she's always got to be thinking about your you know 60 odd-year-old dad who's sitting there with his tasbih sometimes on the prima and she wants to walk around wearing that so already that traveling period could be something that's a message but in your situation this is all about communication with your wife um there could be there could be moments where going away on a holiday triggers maybe a yearning to build the relationship even further and that could be in having a child but please don't rely or listen to what others are encouraging and even if you really want a child there's the communication is fundamental to say that you know what let's you know there's something i really want and there are ways in which i'm sure you'll be able to persuade your wife i agree fully that the communication no no we're not coming back to your issue let's come back so now that your your wife this is another i may get arrested this is like six years they've been married they got their kids and you find out that he's been in another relationship what do you say to her would you even ask her if maybe she distanced herself in a certain way from him whether there was a negligence on her part that listen guys are guys and many of them sadly can be animals more than human beings we cannot come and defend you know the guys here but i think sometimes what can also take places when a person sits with their sister for example there can be this movement towards a routine where a person may neglect themselves that's not an excuse for a person to go and play around because he's saying you know she doesn't look after herself like she did before because many guys also let go but i think sometimes a person opens up with each other from the wedding day or from the engagement what do you like sexually for example that's something important you know and some guys have to realize that this girl who they're with you know guys they they they want uh they want to have a very holy religious girl at home but when it comes to their sex life they want to have a better sex life with their partners on the side this happens that you'll have some guys who'll blatantly say that you know with a girl on the side i will do things i'll never do to my wife why wouldn't you do it to your wife why what is your wife you've just bought a commodity from someone's house there needs to be an openness in the relationship and even in the period of engagement maybe the girl says i don't like to see a guy with hair on his body maybe the girl says i like to see a guy with hair on his body i think the other way around i think most guys prefer that there's absolutely no hair on the body and and so for example when it comes to even sexual acts a person may be put off if for example the girl that he is with does not does not provide him with certain pleasures let's say for example the person wants to be pleasured orally and the girl that he is with doesn't provide that someone might turn around get frustrated and say you know what this is boring i don't want to be in this relationship or i'll be in this relationship because i'll have a bad rep if i divorce but i'm gonna enjoy such things on the side no there's a communication there's a communication likewise there's a communication from the other side listen to what your wife wants there are some guys no there's no listening at all there are some guys who for example when it comes to their sex life with their partner no interest in for example any form of foreplay no interest in anything at all really okay i'm satisfied that's it the girl thinks the guy thinks psychologically different ways some are thinking about the emotional aspect of its own i know guys after sex don't want to sit there and talk about emotions for the next half an hour but that can make a world of difference to the future of your marriage so i think when we see such situations there is there are people who straight away say this guy is the worst divorce should happen straight away but i think sometimes if you sit the two together let's open up and see where did this go wrong the fiance situation no you could tell from a mile away that probably no interest there but if it happens somewhere in the marriage i think sitting down communicating and asking sincerely listen if you don't want my sister for example if you're sitting with your brother-in-law you don't want my sister go don't stay in this because you have to stay in this if you don't want her go because you don't want to see your sister in a relationship where the person does not want her at all what if there are kids involved and i think definitely when there are kids involved naturally there's there's a bit more responsibility and care to be taken with that decision okay if there's no kids involved it's not an excuse to just get divorced but i think it becomes easier but then when there are kids involved there are you know certain ramifications that a person has to consider fec-wise you know legally there are things to consider and no one wants to see their children brought up in a single parent home you know if the children you know they'll pick off the pressure and when they see that for example in their houses that you know mom's here but where's dad other kids have dad that could cause psychological torment later on as well yeah this is sort of a follow-up question let's assume that the relationship is not working out the marriage is not working out let's assume that the wife doesn't want to have any children is that a good enough reason or is that the reason at all for the man to marry a second wife because as we all know the man can marry four women does that apply in our society in our time well i wonder why you know if your wife doesn't want any children did you just find that out or did you know before if you knew before then you can't use it as an excuse now you know you knew that she didn't want kids so why did you marry her and now when she doesn't want kids also that's not an excuse to go and have somebody else if you two cannot agree on building this relationship then maybe the relationship is not meant to be you know so those people who are using these excuses to get married someone else yes there are certain societies where if the wife cannot have kids and the person doesn't want to divorce her then you marry someone else nabi ibrahim was married to sarah sarah his wife could not have kids so who did he marry the mother of nabi ismail by the name of haja so when he marries haja she gives him a smile but he doesn't divorce sarah so maybe in that situation he realized that he couldn't have a kid with her but he didn't want to divorce his wife and he ended up marrying a second wife now many non-muslims i think amongst the first questions they always ask is when they find out that you're a muslim can you marry four wives i think many don't realize the amount of justice that has to be displayed and marrying a second wife you got to have you got to share the same times with both of them you're with her three and a half days you're with her three and a half days if you can psychologically handle that that's amazing and also monetarily you have to if you're spending five thousand dollars on her you got to spend five thousand dollars on her yeah love wise you cannot say i love my first wife 61 percent and i love my second wife 39 percent you know the quran says you won't be able to do justice to them meaning that love in terms of love you can't do justice but in terms of monitoring time you can you know be just but in this day and age that's not solution for our relationships on that not have two follow up questions the first one is if the the couple are having relationship problems should they go to a moulana is he the best person to go to for advice no no to a counseling no i don't know why well if you're talking general relationship problems possibly moulana has his wisdom if you're talking sex i i don't know why if you're having sex issues you'd go to moulana bring who said moulana is necessarily you know the the the sex king when it comes to advice for all you know in some cases that moulana hasn't seen past his stomach for many years and and therefore it's not exactly going to be mr stamina in the bedroom and i think that's something important to realize as well that that you know we go to moulanas for all of our issues when in some cases the moulana has never been brought up where we are raised or where we're living in some cases the moulana's wife might be the first to complain about her sex life and you're going to the same guy um who probably you know in some cases hasn't been on a treadmill for a few years um and how he's going to have a great sex life but then again as we've always said sometimes you can have someone who can have um it can be great you can have great sex in the bedroom but not compassionate not soft in the sense that there is no caressing no foreplay no emotional attachment so we shouldn't just think of sex as oh if someone's buff and built and has a six pack and has great stamina that means that they're going to have amazing sex if there isn't that softness there as well because you know some girls are with guys you know i've seen some combinations in my life which i i'm in disbelief you know you know that guy struck lucky because you know you look at him and you're wondering you know but then the mind of the girl is well you know he's he's soft hearted and and so when a person says let's go to moulana i don't know if moulana is necessarily the best person to go to for sex advice i think there are professionals out there who can advise us um who can sit with the couple and who can also provide guidance you know on how their sex life can be different you know in some cases it could just be chatting to a best friend for advice honestly there are you know sometimes there are girls out there who their best friends have been married for a while maybe they could be the best advisors not the moulana you sit with your friend you tell this and i need to come and see you i've got an issue and maybe you go to that friend and when you go to that friend it could be a case that that friend of yours is the one who can tell you that you know what maybe it's this issue maybe it's that maybe work on this maybe think about that so you know there are different avenues it doesn't just have to be the moulana so if the wife does does find out a solution to the problem how does she go about telling the husband without for example hurting him or affecting him in any way yeah it's a difficult one because every husband wants to show his wife that he's the king when it comes to his 10 15 second performance in the bedroom you know and i think i think what happens is that you know when the wife turns around and says you know i've i've realized that you know maybe what we're doing is not necessarily something to be proud of maybe you should go for a jog yeah maybe or let's just go out to meals at restaurants because i think that's more exciting than your sex life i think in that situation again the communication is vital you know a person can sit down with their partner and say to them that listen i'm not necessarily i'm happy with so many things but you know why don't we do something different tonight you know sometimes subhanallah a person thinks an amazing amazing sexual moment in their relationship it's going to be all planned valentine's day february the 14th you know candles and so on sometimes if a husband just impulsively books a hotel room and just says listen i'm coming to pick you up we're going somewhere that can make a buzz which is so different from the planned honeymoon this is what we have to do tick the boxes a couple of holidays a year okay you know sometimes your partner is not necessarily looking for you to do something grand and expensive but rather is looking for you to do something which is so impulsive you know um and so i think in that situation maybe communicating this feeling in a soft way at the right time you don't want to communicate this feeling to me if i'm seeing live up all you know losing to to the west to west brome and it's it's three one and and and they're losing and then you come up to me and you're like can we work on our sex i'll be like listen forget the sex life i'm trying to understand how we're going to sort out our goalkeeping situation here because my mind is focused on my football club we have this keeper and that keeper one belgian one german they're going nowhere and it's nonsense yes but can we discuss the sex aspect of no no we're not discussing nothing until that whistle goes now when i'm saying this all i'm really giving a metaphor for is understanding understanding the minds there is these books that have been written men are from where men are from venus and ma and woman are from Mars or something like that one lie you know i i apologize to the author if i i'm sure i've got completely wrong but there are these psychological works which have looked at listen this is the right time to talk this is not the right time to talk i think sometimes if you're going to talk at that moment where you just lost the football game and you're like can we discuss like you know how we can change our sex life and sex atmosphere that guy's just going to look at you and think you know what 27 years we haven't won the premiership and now you want to talk to me about my sex life and just leave and i think there are times places environments where these things can be discussed yeah um i said now i love these issues come from high expectations before marriage there's a lot of expectations of how the relationship should be how something should be done do you think those expectations come from for example pornography and what's the dangers of pornography yeah i think i think porn gives this really false image about how sex should be and there is no doubt there are many people who are addicted to porn if 60% of the internet is porn then you know that there's you know there's there's a lot of people who are addicted to pornography and and this involves many muslims who are addicted to pornography who masturbate to pornography and then they expect their wife to be performing like how the performances are in the world of um or the world of pornography and and you couldn't be further away from reality you know and in the world of pornography everything is designed in a certain way with their breaks with their this with their that so you know you think that this person the two of them are doing all of these things and it never stops no i'm sure they are human beings just like us and and who knows what other substances are involved in in helping certain things but you know porn i think has a destructive thing and i also think there's another thing expectations wise the grass is green on the other side always you look at another couple and you're like i bet they have the best relationship and i bet they have the best sex life for you know as soon as they both go back home that girl just sits on the side of the bed thinking to herself you know what once again he has ejaculated and i'm just sitting there i've had no orgasm you know and he's never made me orgasm in my life and and and she just wants to kill herself you know so um don't look at everybody else and think wow they must be amazing in some cases the people you think are the most bubbly are the ones who themselves have never had a sensation whatsoever and on that point i just like to take this phone call say now uh i sent him thank you very much the lowest form of dowry in a muta marriage and a fixed marriage and the fixed marriage hey it's completely up to you you know normally it's something of some material value um i don't know uh the odd uh i don't know you could give for example a gift like a perfume or you could give a gift like a box of chocolates um something of a monetary value some have a debate as to whether an act for example such as teaching the quran can be counted as a form of a dowry on the basis of the verse in the quran when nabi musa and sho'aib have the interaction about the daughter of sho'aib that working for him for those 80 a period is seen as a form of a a dowry therefore some might say that a certain act of value you know where you help somebody with something can be instead of a material gift i sent him i have a question here on whatsapp it links to our last point about pornography say salam brother my question is that whenever me and my husband have sex my husband always has to watch porn which annoys me how can i stop him from doing that i feel like he's disrespecting me thank you yeah it's forbidden it's a simple simple line is that it's forbidden um there was an odd legal opinion in shia thought maybe 15 years ago where one of the scholars said if um if for example a person cannot have an erection and that this medically is prescribed but then i think that that type of opinion could be abused by a few guys who have no erectile problems whatsoever but just want to watch porn um however you know the act is prohibited and i think it's also something that may be disrespectful to your to your partner where you're looking at somebody else while your partner is with you whether it's in the form of um you know a video or internet or so on you know i think such an act is something which is sad if it is taking place and i think a person should just communicate that not only they don't like it but that islamically a follower of an invader should not be someone who does such a thing at all ascent i've got another question it's more linked to what you spoke about yesterday in regards to the centres and interaction gender interaction within the centres so salam on to ask you uh seyidina as mentioned in the previous episode what can be done to change society as all the youth they they mix with the opposite gender in the public and universities when it comes to our mosques and our islamic centres you have to be over protected like you've never spoken to any of them in your life yeah i know it's amazing uh you know you see guys and girls when they're you know when they're out in the streets laughing banter as soon as they come uh to the mosques as if they've never met each other i think also the precautionary aspect of that is is something to be appreciated that you're in god's house there is a recognition of a bit more chastity a bit more modesty i think that part is to be respected but then on the other hand i think sometimes we take it too too much to an extreme i think there should be a lot more programs where the guys and girls can mix and you know and seminars on religion programs on religion programs for the committee why not this next question i think is very important i don't know what your take on it seyid it's it's small it's as simple um sorry says salam what happens if a girl conceives a child from what a marriage yeah well it's it's not the easiest situation in the world um if that child comes from the mutta marriage then they both have a have an onus to try and figure out how they're going to look after that child now i know that is Allah sistan and others have mentioned for example that what is the social bearability if for example the parents find out that a girl has had a child because of what i was she's pregnant because of mutha in some cases there are clauses in islamic law that may lead if there is unbearable social harm that may lead to an abortion taking place but that is not the norm a person can not just simply say well you know what i made a mistake and that's going to be our norm so i'll go everywhere and do this on the contrary that would be with someone who may be in a situation of unbearable social harm the marajah have clearly stipulated that however that is something that a person also has to think about that there is a situation there is a possibility of pregnancy and and that could in a way bring about many difficulties for the future but you certainly don't get don't just throw the kid in the streets and say well i got that kid from mutta therefore i won't bring him up no you have a responsibility for that maintenance i believe we do have a call on the line Salam alaikum Ahlan was saying welcome brother Abbas from Kuwaiten please present your question to the said thank you very much brother yeah contraception is perfectly acceptable within islamic law you know coitus interruptus in its origin is discussed with imam al-sadik alaihi salam where people do mention that they're having sex but they don't want to have a baby so for example they'll withdraw and that's allowed and concentrate contraception the use of condoms the use of the morning after pill and so on all of it is allowed within islamic law yeah ahsentum thank you to brother Abbas for that question following up with more of the questions that we have on the original topic it is said that a wife is always meant to be ready for her husband now let's imagine this wife has been through challenges throughout her day she's been through trouble she's very tired in situations like that does she still have to be always ready for her husband i think the husband has to appreciate that firstly marriage is not just all about their sex life the sex life is important but sometimes a lot of the growth of that relationship is appreciation of the amount of time and effort that that wife has put with the children amount of time and effort that wife has helped in raising the house not just emotionally but in terms of monetary as well there are many mortgages where the two both combine to try and help build the house there are narrations that mention of course the right of the husband is that the wife is ready for him but that shouldn't be enforced in a way where if you're not ready for me i'm going to divorce you know a person has to show a softness when they are with their partner you know chapter 58 of the holy quran discusses where a husband comes home wanting something from his wife and because she's not ready for him at that time he wants to then call her like the back of his mother the famous pronouncement which we call the pronouncement of the heart the zahar of course is the back and so that famous pronouncement of the heart was the pronouncement that was meant to say that you are to me like the back of my mom you're nothing to me now Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala replied of the holy quran is named after the lady who pleaded to god because of the way her husband treated her just because the sex wasn't necessarily as one opinion gives it on offer for him at the time also the holy prophet peace be upon him and his family also mentions that there are some who may have a tendency to start making excuses so someone might be doing a particular you know chore in the house and then all of a sudden that becomes longer and longer and longer until you make sure the husband's gone to bed and nothing happens and we don't want the relationship to go towards that direction so neither one extreme or the other let's assume it's the other way around if the wife wants the husband to be ready for is there an obligation once again with these things there is it's all about a person understanding each other's needs and wants through communication and we sometimes think that our wives don't have the same desires as us but sometimes maybe our wives have got that softness and that modesty more than us the man animalistic straight away you know what I'm really hungry for sex right now and the woman may do it in different ways a softer approach and so on but I think if a man starts making all of these excuses then you know what it's it's sad on your partner when your partner makes an effort you know there are certain men out there their partner can come in dressed with the most beautiful lingerie well no interest there are some who for example will give a lot of signs that look you know certain language certain strokes a mr boring husband for example in many cases just sitting there you know with no interest or so that some husbands will say well there's kids there so I as the father figure cannot do anything but then you realize that it wasn't just the kids that was an excuse really that person himself wasn't giving the same effort when does the effort come in when the person himself is feeling you know full of sexual energy now I want my sex and that's unfair so there has to be a balance between the two now on the on the topic of sex which is the topic of this show there are narrations that say you should not have sex with lights on or outdoors why is that yeah I'm not sure why he's interested in our doors but so you can't have sex with lights on or I don't I'm not sure I don't want to do that you know that that interestingly is mentioned where did I get that one from you know that that is mentioned actually in uh I think if you read one of one of the most interesting and baffling books on sex is uh there's a book called helia to the muttaqeen which is meant to be about the pious by allam and majlisie just how much extensive research I went through for these amazing amazing I have to admire your your research on sex and the outdoors and sex with lights off yeah there are those traditions quite interesting yeah I think look sex in the outdoors person says look therefore sex outdoors is prohibited I think look anyone you're driving down the m1 then you suddenly see a couple of the side having sex there's a major moral problem there whereas outdoors look I could be relative it's not absolute you know a person can have a nice villa and near a beach somewhere which is secluded and they can have sex there but certainly if you're thinking of going to a local park where there's a chance that you know someone's just walking with his wife and they see you to it's problematic as with the lights off yeah I know that there are certain people who often believe in some this that they say well if you have sex with the lights on your child will come out as a gremlin or like as a as an alien or something the same thing is said on certain nights where you shouldn't have sex on certain nights yes there are traditions you know that we're told about certain nights I'm a firm believer in the cosmology the world of the cosmological and you know and and to focus on recognizing the energy of the universe there are certain nights that you shouldn't even get married on and I think you always see these nights which are mentioned within within for example our our calendars which says it's not a night to get married but sex with you know having sex you must have the lights off well you know I think maybe from the door of modesty that was encouraged and let's just hope everyone's accurate in terms of how they behave in the darkness and not end up breaking anything in the way yeah I have another whatsapp message follow up to the previous one about Islamic centers in our mosques it says Sadina how about judgments sometimes you try and help in society such as Islamic TV shows and Islamic centers and so on however people get judged for the smallest things they do just by simply speaking to someone outside the mosque or instead of just simply speaking and they get judged on it how do you deal with these situations well because it might affect reputation yeah I think if you're in the public eye you've got to be ready for being judged I think secondly if you're doing things for God God will reward you Imam al-ibna ta'ala salam lived the most immaculate life and he still got people calling him a disbeliever and so on so don't worry about necessarily the words of the people even people attack God and he lets them get away with it and I know that some of our people are you know I wouldn't I don't want to say backward mind I would say they're adapting to the realities of today and that is you know more social interaction but with you know with the possibility of modesty which many of them never thought could happen yeah I have another message it's a bit off topic but let's answer it nonetheless the sister's asking I wish to be part of the police force and I can be wearing gloves while I'm on the force is it permissible for me to do so is there reasons why I can't be allowed to join the police force well you know what this can be approached from so many angles there have been you know discussions on this area that is this police force one which is destroying for example the followers of Ahl al-Bayt's lives if it is then of course people will say that you shouldn't work for them but then you've got a situation where some imams encourage their followers to work for governments that are oppressive to look after the interests of the Shi'a of the time and I think either from that door where you can look after the interests of the Shi'a of the time or where your role will help build the future of your community then those are doors which mean that you can work in the police force yeah ascentum we are coming towards the end of our show but we do have one more phone call so can we take the school please aslam and aleykum aleykum aslam can have your name and where you are calling from please I'm calling from the capital you welcome from the greatest city in the world what is your name brother my name is ja'far ja'far welcome please present your question to the sayid sayid now I have a question is this possible to have a call in a holy city or in a holy month yes thank you so much there's no issue in having you know sexual intercourse in a holy city or in a holy month I know that some people say for example that holy month is a sad month so there should be no sex no life continues these are all acts of ibad at the end of the day these are acts where you have rights your wife has rights you have duties you have obligations naturally if it is the saddest day of the year then a person should be happy in the days of the happiness of al muhammad and sad in the days of sadness of al muhammad um and a person you know may themselves have their own choice of saying that in this area I don't want to for example engage in such an act because such an act doesn't you know just because it's uh halal for you doesn't mean so obligatory or obligatory on you to do however to turn around to your wife for example in you know a certain month and say I can't have sex in this month because it's this month no it's a form of ibad and it's an obligation also in some cases to prevent haram from possibly happening yeah Ahsentum said that I'd like to thank you thank you for this show it's been an honor pleasure and it's been a good time to host you especially in London thank you back in the hometown I'd like to thank you Dave viewers for tuning in inshallah you can join us on friday we will continue the discussion with said dr said amman shawani uh but for now I'd like to leave you to enjoy your week and we'll see you on friday inshallah