 Ahoy-ahoy and welcome to the channel. I'm Dr. Smyrion, not a real doctor, and today normally I'd be doing a dank memes from site 19 video I'm gonna push that Thursday. Not feeling really very good and didn't want to have to be on camera today So instead I'm gonna do a reading of a tale that I wrote Actually not too long ago just a few days ago, so Let's go ahead and start. I guess I should give the creative commons warning up The three distinct deaths of Dr. Smyrion was written by me And can be found in the link in the description below is under a creative commons share like attribution 3.0 license The first time I died was one of the best days of my life It's not that my life before was so terrible I mean it wasn't honestly, but the feeling of shedding all that baggage and expectation is one of the most freeing things I can imagine happening to a person So the day that I joined the SCP foundation was the first day of my life as someone knew See Dr. Smyrion wouldn't have the same hang-ups as the old me He would never spend half a decade with a crush on a friend from high school and not ask her out He could get over how hopeless the world is and really live for once He might be more assertive less reliant on alcohol to feel like a real person. He'd eat better exercise more And only took like a week for that new car smell to wear off After I died I was still me just with a different name Same hang-ups as always the same troubles And it was then that I started to realize that the problem truly lied with me not the world around me We tie up a lot of ourselves in an externalized view so We do what we do because of our parents or because of our environment our names or our identity we Think that if we only weren't so closely attached to our histories, maybe we'd be better people But that kind of self-reflection is only useful in creating stumbling blocks I made my problem something outside of myself So I wouldn't have to face the truth I'm a bad person And there's no shame in that most people are most people would rather save themselves than a child in danger We pretend we're the hero in our heads we game out a dozen scenarios on how we'd step up when the chips are down And sometimes you even surprise yourself you actually become that hero, but Those times are the exception to the rule The truth is that we are who we are and nothing will ever change that I Looked up that girl from high school a while back couldn't help myself She's been married for well over a decade six kids Genuine smiles in every picture and she live in the perfect life. No not at all There's not enough work not enough money not enough happiness to go around but she She smiles anyway, and she means it. I Should know that smiles the only thing I can see when I close my eyes And that's when the self-reflection starts to turn back on itself, you know imagination will take over What if I'd spoken up? What if I'd said what I really meant? I mean I cherish the friendship we had but I could have been more honest with myself and with her and then what happens We get married we have half a dozen kids and she smiles maybe and Probably not and less than she does now. I Know what I am I'm broken and no amount of love and understanding is going to change that fact now. Do I deserve happiness? Absolutely, but is it worth it at the expense of somebody else's? No, I don't think so Not if you truly care about them Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is just leave them alone So I close the Facebook tab I go back to work. I think about my first death when I left everything behind to become a new man Then I wonder what my second death is going to be like after the amnestics after the reconditioning after adjusting to being a civilian again Will I be whole? Will I still know myself? Will I still hurt people around me when I die a third time? They're lowering me into the ground Well, anyone care doesn't really matter I've got work to do Thank you very much for listening if you enjoyed the video or the tale go on over and read it on the SCP wiki itself and hit the subscribe button I will definitely get the dank memes video out on Thursday I just really wasn't feeling too up to it today and I didn't want to put out I didn't want to put out a reaction video where I'm reacting to memes and I'm just not myself and or energetic enough to truly react the way I Think I should so I thought I'd put it off But yeah, hit the subscribe button and then hit the notification bell next to that So you know if I'd want to upload new videos and then Head on over to patreon.com forward slash D Sumerian and Pledge at any level like everybody here on the screen already has Including MC cashmill was pledged at $50 and synderiki was pledged at $100 It is nice to know that I'm not alone out here, and I will see you all again on Thursday