 As-salamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu, alhamdulillah. We are in the final stretch before this blessed month of Ramadan next week, so this is a time where a lot of people are, again, just preparing for the month. Just yesterday, subhanAllah, I had three different sessions all on preparation for the month of Ramadan. So, with that said, I was asked to speak a little bit about a topic that I love, emotional intelligence, as it relates to Ramadan. So some of you may not know what emotional intelligence is, and what it is, is basically in the most simplest terms, it's a framework that helps you to manage your emotions, identify and manage your emotions, and then also help other people manage their emotions. And one of the really simple acronyms that you could learn just to kind of stick or to have that definition stick is ARM, because A stands for awareness, so to become really self-aware of yourself, and then the R relates to regulating your emotions, and then the M is for managing emotions, of course, your own as well as other people. So when you become more emotionally intelligent, you really work on honing in these skills. And I came across this framework several years ago, and as soon as I started reading it, it just instantly spoke to me, because I found that everything that they were describing was really just applying Islam. If we actually learn our deen and apply it, we will become emotionally intelligent. And so that just, you know, I started to delve into it deeper, and the more and more I looked into it, I was convinced that this was a really great modern tool to help to teach people really deen and tarbiyah, and the prophetic wisdoms of our tradition So years later, when I was speaking to Sheikh Hamza, he actually told me about a hadith that really was incredible when he said it to me, because I had always thought of this concept of emotional intelligence being something that was modern, right? In 1990 it was discovered. And then we have Daniel Goldman, who's the kind of leading pioneer on the topic. He's the one who really put it on the map, right? That term. Well, that's what I thought, until Sheikh Hamza mentioned this hadith where he said, the prophetic wisdom said, رأس الأقلي بعض الإيماني التودد إلى الناس, which is that, you know, the basis of reasoning after faith is loving kindness towards people. And Subhanallah, that was amazing because he is connecting intelligence and, again, emotional management, right? Of other people. So in fact, which shouldn't surprise us, right? Because a lot of these modern ideas that we are impressed by, if you actually dig a little deeper, you find that they do have roots in tradition and in religion. And Subhanallah, especially when it comes to our faith, because it is so deep and it covers so many of these wonderful topics that there's always, you know, you'll always find connections. And just actually yesterday or the day before on Instagram, I posted about this very thing that a lot of the modern tools that we use in fact have traditional roots in our faith. So I wanted to now just talk about more about how we can understand emotional intelligence practically and tie it to Ramadan. So I already gave you the definition of it now. The qualities that you want to develop to become emotional intelligent are five. And this is, again, according to the works of Daniel Goldman. So the first is to become self-aware, which I mentioned. The second is self-regulation. The third is motivation. The fourth is empathy. And then the fifth is social skills. And if you really look at each one of them, Subhanallah, you'll find that they do actually, they are skills that we should absolutely have every day of the year, but certainly in the month of Ramadan, because the month of Ramadan again is a time where we really are being put to the test. We should see it as that. It's an opportunity to really bring out the best of whatever is suppressed within us, because a lot of times during the year, of course, with work and schedules and all of the other routines that we get bogged down by, that part of us, that true essence of our nature, which is of course our soul, gets lost. And so Ramadan is a time for it to emerge and for us to really discover a connection with ourselves and our connection with Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala. And emotional intelligence, if you understand it and apply it, it can certainly help you. So for example, the first quality, right, to become self-aware. What does that mean? Well, you know, first and foremost, at a certain point, and I work a lot with youth, and I think it's imperative that parents and educators teach youth, you know, all of the, of course, the regular education that we want them to have, but also really to help them understand themselves. And so temperament, for example, is something that we, you know, for historically always taught, you know, it was very much a part of our tradition to teach about temperament, mizaj, we call it in Arabic, which is to know like, you know, basically what, you know, what is your, what's your blueprint? How do you operate? You know, like we understand operating systems, right? We have devices. There's the Apple iOS camp, and then there's the Android camp, right? And we know, we understand that these are two different systems and they have different operating systems. Well, human beings are simpler, right? We operate in different wavelengths on different levels, and we, certain things appeal to some, they don't to others. So really focus, or understanding yourself. For example, the most simple, you know, definitions that we all should know are, are you an extrovert or an introvert? Because that actually does really help to understand yourself. If you are the type of person that when you're around large settings, or social settings, or there's a lot of stimuli, you feel affected by it and it just drains you, you are likely an introverted person. And if you're the opposite, where when you're alone too much, it starts to nag at you and you feel uneasy and you like to be around people, you always have some sounds or something in the background because you don't like silence, then you likely are an extrovert. Just that simple understanding of yourself can really help to know what your comfort levels are. For example, you know, Ramadan is a time of community, right? So a lot of people, I mean, now we're in COVID, but outside of that, a lot of times we, there is the social element, right? And so some people, that's a really attractive thing. Like they can't wait to come to the Tarawee prayers and the iftars and to go house, iftar hopping house to house, you know, during the month because they love connecting with their community and that's beautiful. And for some people, that's what they need because maybe they've been disconnected. Whereas other people, that doesn't sound as appealing because again, their nature is that they want to retreat. They actually want to be at home more. So if you are only receiving one message though, like let's say you're reading a book or you're listening to a talk and the message is you should be, you know, congregating and meeting with people and, you know, reaping the benefits of the jama, then you may feel lost in that, you know, like what about if I just don't want to, you know, or vice versa, maybe you're on the opposite extreme where you really are going so inward, which of course is your right, but you don't want to meet with anybody and you don't really want to have any social, you know, connection, then maybe you need to find that balance, right? Which is really what, again, first becoming self-aware is learning about yourself and understanding that nature. But then the second part of it is where's the balance because both of these extremes wouldn't quite fit. We are social, right? I mean, as a social dean, but we also have the element of, certainly, of halwa, of spiritual retreat. And so that's why understanding these things about yourself then takes you gradually to the next step, which is I have to regulate these things because if I draw a line and say, well, this is just who I am and I don't want to participate in this X, Y, or Z, and I'm not really realizing that just because something fits for me or feels right for me, is it right, right? That's really the question because the perfect example, of course, is the promise I sent him. And his entire life is known to us so that we can model ourselves after him. And he showed us just how he was able to balance. He, of course, had the ability to, or he showed us how to retreat, right? I mean, his entire beginning of his prophecy was all about his need to pull away and to just be isolated and to really contemplate and to do all that. And then he also showed us the importance of being social and being in the community and being active in the community. So his life is a perfect example of how we can find that balance. But this is what, again, being emotionally intelligent does. It kind of forces you to see yourself, right? It forces you to see and understand yourself and then do that compare and contrast with the best of examples of the promise I sent him. So you really pay attention to all of those nuances about you, those little quirks that you have. And, you know, look, where do I need to filter? Where do I need to enhance and work on improving? And then what do I need to change? And so when you gradually move from self-awareness to self-regulation, which is the second quality, now it's about how do I do that? And that's where a book like here, I have Purification of the Heart, right? This is an excellent book for anybody who's in the self-regulation phase, which is I need to learn how to control myself, right? And this is also, I mean, by extension, self-awareness too, because you have to read these diseases of the heart, which is what the book is about in order to know what diseases you have, but then they also teach you how to control that, right? How to rid yourself of the diseases. So the, you know, the, we have in our tradition, Tuskeia, which is the science of purification. Purifying one's soul, one's heart, one's tongue. There's a lot of emphasis on action, right? Where you are aware of what the problems are and now you have to do the actions that follow. And so that is where, you know, the second quality of emotional intelligence comes in. And this is a lifelong pursuit. Like when we talk about Tuskeia, it's not something that you just do once and then you're done with. Every single one of us, every single day of our lives, have to work on this. And Ramadan is actually a time where we're kind of catapulted, right, into this work, because all of these things start to emerge. You're going to start to see maybe some bad habits come out because, you know, it's normal, right? You're cut off from your normal routines, your coffee in the morning, whatever, you know, cravings you have or sleep is interrupted. So those, you know, changes can definitely affect our mood and our behavior. And so we're going to start to see maybe some negative qualities within ourselves, right? Maybe we're less patient. We're hangry, as they say. And we kind of, you know, in the beginning you need to kind of pay attention, like what's going on here, and realize that all of that is part of that filtration process. It has to come out, like let it all come out and then find your balance and rhythm because you realize that this is, you know, the month to do that and maximize your time in all of the things that we're taught to do, right? Prayers, Ibadah, dhikr, Qur'an, all of that is to help us to manage that. So self-regulation when it, and again, outside of Ramadan is all of these things. In Ramadan it's specific to really using your time wisely. Like your time is so important in this blessed month and if you waste it or squander it doing anything of no use. For example, yesterday during this workshop that I had, there was a brother who was Masha'Allah very honest and may Allah bless him and reward him because he was vulnerable and he shared with everybody that one of his struggles is that he actually watches a lot of television during Ramadan and it's something that he, he just, he doesn't like himself doing it. He actually hates that he does it but he's kind of, I think, habituated to that and, you know, it's a way to buy time. There's, sometimes the days are so drawn out and the hunger can overwhelm you so we turned to these different mediums to escape and so he was saying that that's what he does and he was really sitting with a lot of guilt with that. So I just, you know, I wanted to sympathize because, you know, he was isolated from his community. He didn't have a car to be able to do certain things so there are people who are in circumstances like that and that's why we have to be compassionate in the way we answer to people but I just told him that, okay, so if that's something you're struggling with and maybe the rule that you have for yourself, and this is where, again, he has to regulate himself, is that you're going to do it better. You know, if you, if you want to watch TV, for example, or social media, then just have a rule that says, I'm not going to indulge in things that I know are absolutely wasteful and harmful or completely haram, but maybe educational, maybe beneficial and there are options for us so, you know, kind of imposing that rule upon yourself that in this month the time is so precious that even if I have these, you know, weaknesses that, you know, I'm going to try to somehow, you know, work around them and make sure that I am not, again, harming myself or squandering this time of this month. So that's, you know, self-regulation and then we have, you know, the third quality which is motivation and there's so much to say about each of these, by the way, I'm, you know, just because our comments are brief here, I can't get into all of them, but there's, I've done several talks on this before, but just in the context of Ramadan, you know, to be motivated, I love that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, you know, kind of has made the reward of Ramadan mysterious to us, like we really have no idea just what the rewards are and he even in one verse says that the fast is best for you if only you knew and I love just even the phrasing of that because it's really, you know, helping us understand that there are things that we, there's a lot of things that we don't know, right? But when it comes to the reward of our fast and the sacrifice of the fast that we're doing and all of the other things that we do, our charity, our prayers, our du'as, in this month, there are secrets that are only known to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and that I think serves as a great motivator in that all of the things that we second-guess about ourselves that we feel a lot of self-doubt about and, you know, guilt over our past is that this is a reset, this is the ultimate reset and that's why when we have the gift of witnessing Ramadan, we really have to look at it as like, you know, this is a, you know, an extension, right? It's an opportunity from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala for us to reach back and to get closer to him but he's extending the opportunity to us. It's a gift, it's a windfall, right? Because it's time, it's, it's so, it's so much, there's so much barakah, like I said, that we can't really know but to have that as a motivating factor and then of course, you know, to look at the, I mean, when you're reading all of the beautiful commentary on just the rewards of the month and the different times, for example, when you're breaking your fast, when you're waking up for tahajjah, then you're praying at those times, those beautiful times of, again, intimacy with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and then all of the other work, deeds that we're doing, just that there's this, again, this mystery to it but it's for us to be incentivized to do those things and so just to find those, you know, to pursue those deeds and increase our, our reading of the book of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala this is probably, I mean it is, we all know that Ramadan is the month of the Quran, it's the month that we're supposed to really connect with the book of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala so that's also another really important part of being motivated is that, you know, finding goals that connect you to the Quran and so if you can read the Quran alhamdulillah then a good motivating thing to do, just keep yourself going and if you're part of the masjid, even coming to tarawih and praying those prayers and doing a khatr of the Quran should be something that gets you up every day like it's another day to, you know, again, finish my juz whether I'm reading it myself or I'm coming to the tarawih and I'm listening to it or I'm listening to it at home there are multitude of ways that we can really have that connection but having these goals, right, this sense of accomplishment is also a way that we can feel motivated so that's the third quality then the fourth quality has to do with empathy and I love this, you know, because I remember when I was younger and we learned about Ramadan that always stuck with me even as a student, a Muslim student in a class in seventh, eighth grade when the, you know, the chapters or the, in class when we would start talking about Islam and this topic of Ramadan would come up that was always framed as, you know, Muslims fast in Ramadan as obviously an act of worship but also to sympathize, right, with other people who are hungry and who are, you know, in these impoverished states so it was always framed as an action that Muslims do to bring about this concept of empathy and I really appreciated that growing up and even now I think we all know that that's one of the central reasons why we fast just with, you know, withholding all of these indulgences that we partake in every single day of the year for a month and not even the entire month, by the way, it's just during daylight hours, right? Sometimes we forget that, you know, once the sun sets people do tend to kind of default sometimes into those habits but just those daylight hours with restricting yourself withholding yourself so that you can feel the pangs of hunger so that you can really realize that there are, you know, millions if not billions of people in the world who are in that circumstance but it's not a choice for them it's not something to do as an option this is their daily reality and they don't really have, you know, a huge iftar or who are waiting for them at different intervals, you know, during their day or week or month they just basically survive on what they have so empathizing with people during the fast and also the charity, right? We know that the Prophet Salaam was most charitable during the month of Ramadan and that's also something we should do so this is the time to really think about all the different organizations or even individuals that you may know that are in need and just, you know, to just put aside all of the trivial things that sometimes we, again, we give into it because buying consumption is enough, right? If you're constantly just, you know, now we can shop online so everything is so easy and convenient but we do it almost, you know, automatically, we're not even thinking sometimes, oh, I like this, let me go click and buy and click and buy and we do that so much and sometimes half of the stuff remains in boxes and we don't even use it because it's something that, again, it's a modern phenomenon for those who are privileged to have that but it's a time to stop that, right? And to not indulge in that, you know, that habit and to rather do that for other things, right? Other causes like donations, you know, launch good, whatever campaigns that you see that you want to support but really amping up your charity for the sake of Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala. So that's, you know, empathy and there's, again, so much more we can say about all of these qualities but the last one, the last quality of emotional intelligence is social skills and that's the other incredible thing is that, again, when you look at the month of Ramadan, we really do have an opportunity to maximize our growth in all of these five qualities because social skills is something that, as I mentioned before, we are a dean that is a dean of Jama'a. We do, you know, encourage being social, obviously to everybody's, you know, ability but we come together for prayer. We come together to break our fast. We should anyway. We do a lot of things together. We're fasting together. So the idea of developing those social skills is really important as well. I know during COVID, for example, it's been researched as well that the mask served as a barrier for a lot of people and it's been a little awkward, right? Coming out of that, you know, that state of just not really, having very limited contact with people, not really talking much just suddenly being back into your community, it's hard for some people, especially if their temperament is more introverted but we do have to remember that, you know, the problems I said in the most difficult times was always accessible and he was always smiling. It was, you know, so many descriptions of him always describe him as having the most cheerful disposition, welcoming, warm, giving the salams we know. Of course, sunnah, replying is fard. Just knowing these basic rules about, you know, when you're with in gatherings, for example, you know, if you're in a pair, you don't talk secretly or in a language that a third person or other people wouldn't know around you. You don't want to exclude people. So anything that, you know, reminds us to not be, to be responsible when we're in social settings is really important and everybody has to, again, look at the area that they need to work on. But it's something that is easily managed if you're just, again, reading the sunnah and really internalizing his way and starting to adopt this attitude that everything that I do that is in conflict with the way of the Messenger of Allah, is not good enough and I need to undo that and adopt his way. Because this is how, you know, I mean, it's just a fact that if you want to be a better human being, then the only path to do that is to follow his way and so really accepting that and working on that in the month of Ramadan in all of these areas, right? So, Alhamdulillah, there's, again, so much to say about emotional intelligence. I definitely encourage all of us to know about this framework, to understand it and if you have young children, even as young as preteens or adolescents, I teach these classes to that demographic for a reason because it's a tool. This is a skill set and the earlier they can learn it and develop it, the better it will be for them in every area of their life because, again, it helps them to really appreciate the value of our deen and the Prophet's license example because all of these beautiful wisdoms were given to us centuries ago by way of his teachings and so, Alhamdulillah, you know, I encourage everyone to look into this. I encourage everyone to, inshallah, really work on managing themselves and in this month because this is really what Ramadan is about and on that note I wanted to actually share for those of you who may have the book Purification of the Heart one of the appendices at the end of the book is actually entirely on Ramadan and it's an excellent there's an excellent section here that I really think everybody should read, it's a few pages but there's a part here that I wanted to just read for all of you, inshallah so, Bismillah to lure the believer into doubt is Satan's game to protect oneself from this is a personal responsibility we are explicitly told that Satan's guile is weak and that he has no authority except over those who choose to make themselves vulnerable and who are deluded so to shield against Satan's whisperings one must guard one's creed and sound belief and shun shady devices this entails confirming one's worship with the sunnah or established practice of the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam it requires deepening one's knowledge in Islam and it's various sciences if Satan sees that he cannot assail one in matters of creed and belief he then comes through the door of shahawat lust and desire our desires are integral parts of normal creation and function but when they evolve into masters that we consciously or unconsciously serve this is a problem that can become severe enough to drag us outside the fold of guidance for Satan this door can be lucrative especially with consumers of media who receive a steady stream of messages that make licentiousness and excessiveness appear normal the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam told the companions to be wary of Satan and his designs for he flows in man's veins just as alcohol flows in the blood delivering its debilitating effects to the brain, liver and other organs so too do Satan's machinations and enticements the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam said that fasting is half of patience and patience is a quality indispensable for a successful life and afterlife Satan traffics impatience and despair while fasting exposes the folly of both the scholars of spiritual purification advise this be patient with regard to food which is the primary urge and with regard to sex which is the secondary urge conquer these two the rest becomes easy there is another hadith stating that patience is half of iman so fasting is a quarter of iman there is yet another hadith stating that God the exalted multiplies the reward for a good action ten to seven hundred times except for fasting fasting is my own and I shall reward it which indicates the enormity of the reward for proper fasting God says those who are patient shall be rewarded without measure in chapter 39 verse 10 fasting and patience are deeply rooted patience too is an important part of the opening of favors from God there is so much more in this amazing chapter on Ramadan so I advise everyone who has the book purification of the heart by Sheikh Hamza Yusuf to please read that section as a good review in preparation for this month may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala again enable all of us and bless all of us with the ability to witness the coming of this blessed month of Ramadan inshallah may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala give us the best Ramadan of our lives may he accept our fast, our prayers our du'as, our charity, our zikr our recitation of the Quran may he fortify our hearts and our faith may he give us conviction in our faith and may he guide our children and give them strength in their identity as Muslims and inshallah bring sakina and blessing to our homes amen may Allah bless you and peace be upon you