 In a moment, we're gonna talk about something men do to demonstrate their serious about commitment. Before I get there, I wanna share something I read in an article a moment ago. It's just gonna take me a second. And it says, for some men, committing to one person may seem like too much responsibility. They may feel like they're giving up, they would be giving up their freedom and independence if they were in a committed relationship. Other men may simply not be ready for marriage, fatherhood, yet may avoid any kind of commitment altogether. Now, given that most of my demographic is in midlife, I think the fatherhood piece will pass. At the same time, I think there's a big difference between wanting a relationship and wanting a serious commitment. And we're gonna dive into this in a moment. So I think it's first, it's important to recognize that for those of us in midlife, and I always say midlife is after baby making years and before retirement. So if you're in that age demographic of 45 to 69, that's the demographic I speak to. However, I will say this, a lot of 20 and 30 year olds need to be hearing this. So I probably should retitle this for everybody. Why am I saying this? What makes midlife so unique? I think what makes it unique is our adult traumas, surrounding relationships, our adult traumas surrounding relationships. The fact of the matter is if someone's in midlife, most likely they've had one, two, or even three significant relationships. That's right. One, two, or even three significant relationships. Now, let me be clear what I mean by a significant relationship. I think a relationship that goes over a one year mark is significant. I think those interactions with folks that have maybe been in a three month relationship, certainly that had a lot of, maybe had a lot of intensity to it, maybe had rushed into things and it might not, if turned into anything more serious. So there's certainly those relationships a couple months, maybe even six months, maybe even nine months, but those that go a year that you've gone through a cycle of seasons. Okay, I'm going off the subject here. Coming back to adult wounds. And I wanna read something to you. In many cases, real intimacy can scare people because their wounds surface, sometimes it happens quickly and sometimes it takes longer. Okay, really wanna dive into this. I didn't read that, I wrote that. Okay, so those that enter into a relationship. Okay, we talked about adult traumas. Okay, how they surface, they surface in the area of fear. Okay, now they can surface in a, what's known as an anxious way or they can surface in an avoidant way. Okay, now anxious tends to be needy, avoidant tend to be closed off. And what can happen is the first three or four months of relationship is kind of this intense honeymoon period. And you may not see these things. You might see glimpses of fear in the early stages and this is the tricky part because when you're meeting a total stranger, you have to have a bit of apprehensiveness. You may not wanna fully dive in to someone you barely know. So what happens is as this relationship progresses, their fears start to surface up. Their anxious attachment or avoidant are those that struggle, struggle with intimacy because they were either severely hurt in their childhood or worse what I'm getting at is our adult wounds. You know, in the demographic I speak to, we're talking about people that might have had two, like I said, one, two or three significant relationships. And I want you to think about this. Let's say you were married like most of us in our 20s and 30s and you found yourself single in your 40s. That's what happened to me. And I'll be candid with you when I got married. I was following the programming, okay? Go to college, get a job, meet a girl, get married, buy a house, start a family. I followed that protocol. So by the time I hit, I think I got married at 27 or 28. No, I was 29 when I got married. I met her at 27. I was following the programming. I didn't even know who I was. I suspect many of you didn't even know who you were, okay? I followed the program. That was my first significant relationship. Like many of you, you had followed that pattern. You got married to someone and you really didn't know who you were. And so what happens is you go through a divorce and what we, many of us do, like what I did is we wanna replace this person in our life because we have this whole inside of us that needs to be filled. Certainly we want companionship. We want connection. We want physical intimacy. We want sexual intimacy. So what happens is our choices aren't really predicated based on compatibility. It's mostly based on attraction. So what happens is we attract to another person and we have no idea of their capability, their capacity to be in a significant relationship. And if we haven't done an autopsy of their past relationships, we have no clue how they're gonna operate in the future. Did you hear what I said? Autopsy of their past relationships. That's something I work with on clients significantly. So, and because when a relationship ends, it's almost like a death and it's kind of good to do a post, you know, the postmortem, the autopsy, that sort of thing. What's postmortem mean? Anyway, okay. So now they're in a significant second relationship and maybe they chose someone who was self-centric. I know many of you liked to term them as narcissist, okay? Or maybe you were someone that was emotionally avoidant and it didn't start to surface until the sixth or seventh month mark in the relationship and they started to pull away and that took a little while as well. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, it might have surfaced in the first six months or nine months, but it didn't, you know, there was this pulling away period for a period of time. And I want you to imagine the emotional effects when someone starts to pull away when you're, maybe you're like me, you have a tendency to be anxious. And so you're trying to get this person to come to you. You're like, they're going this way and you're doing this, you're doing this, you're doing this, even though they're going this way. And it might be a slow gradual experience for them. Sometimes it happens very quickly, other times it takes time. So now you're in this one year relationship it ends. Or worse, you're in a one year or longer relationship and there is a betrayal of some sort. Maybe it's the betrayal of the promise they made to a future, maybe it's where there's infidelity, maybe there's some other betrayal. And I want you to imagine how wounded that can make a person. So what happens is then this causes us to be fearful in our next relationship. It might cause us to become more needy in our next relationship. And then that relationship ends because there wasn't really that meeting of alignment with one another. It was close. And some of you, your third relationship was really close. It was almost there, but it wasn't all the way, all in. All in. We're gonna dive into this conversation of all in. I wanna share with you, dating is a vetting process. It's a vetting process to determine compatibility, shared values, blendable lifestyles and more importantly, emotional maturity. And sadly, most people enter into relationships that are either transactional or conditional. Transactional or conditional. Transactional is, it's kind of like what the red pill is selling today. They're selling these alpha males are selling that they can be the provider protector. They can be the provider protector. Your job is to be the cook, the cleaning person and the sex worker. That's your job. It's a transaction. A lot of red pill men are buying into this experience. Oh, and entertainment is the glue to keep the relationship. How you entertain one another, okay? Then there are those that seek like what I want is a spiritual relationship, a healing relationship. In other words, recognizing that two people join together, whether it's a short period of time or it's a long period of time or maybe they go the distance till death do they part. And by the way, transactional and conditional relationships can be short lived or they can go till death do they part. But the spiritual healing relationships, and I want to dive into this for everybody for a moment, are those relationships where two people come together? They have wounds like, remember I talked about they have adult wounds and they have childhood wounds and through this integration with one another, they can do a healing for one another. In fact, many relationships in my opinion are an opportunity to heal what was maybe deficient in our childhood or maybe to heal an adult trauma. And in some cases, this healing might bring them together in some cases, this healing might mean that they're free to go find a new partner or maybe they just, and first, let me, oh, I wanna rewind that, not find a new partner to go on to a deeper journey of healing on their own. I apologize, I shouldn't have said that. I should have said they go on a deeper healing of their own and both people can do this because if we come at relationships or commitment with an attitude of, it's gotta be perfect. It's only good if it's perfect. I think a lot of men operate if it's only good, it's perfect. See, a man won't, and so, okay, so just coming back to the spiritual healing relationships, I just merely wanna say, in every relationship you ever had, there's a true purpose for it, a true opportunity to heal. And what's required is introspection to actually find out what needed to be healed inside of me. It has nothing to do with them, they were the gift, and I know many of you will repel the idea that every relationship was a gift. For those of you that get the spiritual work, that's my clientele. Those that get the spiritual aspect of a relationship, if you could look at every relationship as a gift and how did you heal from this relationship, what further healing do I need to be done? You are preparing yourself for the next relationship that could go the distance, okay, with that said. I wanna share with you what a man needs to choose, okay? So, there's this saying, I remember Wayne Dyer said, and I have to read it, because I'll botch this up. I'll believe it when I see it. I'll believe it when I see it, I'll believe it when I see it, versus when I believe I will see it, when I believe I will see it. Most men think when they're with the right woman, they'll change their perspective. They'll change their perspective about commitment, about serious commitment. And men who know what they want are vetting the woman for that commitment, okay? Now coming back to it, when I believe it when I see it, that's like, that's waiting for the woman to be the catalyst for them to change from being non-committal to committal, versus I want to commit. And I was listening to Rabbi Friedman the other day. If you're not familiar with his YouTube channel, I highly recommend checking out Rabbi Manis Friedman. I just like his stuff. I'm gonna have him on a podcast soon, so just be prepared. He says, when a man chooses marriage, when a man chooses marriage, when a man loves the idea of marriage, that's a man you know that's serious about commitment. When a person, man or woman, truly wants to get married. Now for us in midlife, this is remarried. Some cases it could be a third marriage. So why is marriage so important? I think this is really something, and by the way, you don't have to have a marriage with the government, you can have a spiritual marriage. These are two people that have declared that they're all in, that they are all in for richer, for poorer, for sickness and health. Good and bad, I'm all in. See the all in peace is where many people struggle in relationships, so what happens with our dating marketplace today? Look it, we see a lot of hooking up because sex is rather free. Let me just say this, before birth control, there was a consequence for having sex with someone, and even condoms weren't a guarantee getting pregnant. There was a, and by the way, not that the child is a consequence, but there was a responsibility if you had a child, okay? And you guys remember friends Ross and Rachel, the condom didn't work, so that's not always a guarantee. But there is a, prior to the 60s and 70s, most sex was somewhat coveted. In fact, it was only reserved for those in marriages for thousands and thousands of years, for the most part, except for wealthy people, because they could have mistresses and whatnot. So what's happened is hooking up is the predominant source of sex for so many people. Or next, what happens is friends with benefits, two people that like each other, they genuinely like each other, but it's only for the sex piece because they know they don't want a serious relationship with them. Ladies, I have had several friends with benefits relationships. I was very clear, I didn't want sex with them. Or excuse me, I didn't want commitment with them. And yet I'm open to sex. And what's interesting is many of you will agree to a friends with benefits, just like when any men agree to be in the friend zone because they think they can change the other person's mind. That is delusional thinking, okay? But for some of you, friends with benefits is quite okay. I know for many women in midlife, they're happy with that occasional companionship, occasional sex, occasional connection because it's better than nothing at all. And by the way, nothing wrong with friends with benefits. What about the next type of relationships that are prevalent today? Situationships, remember I said dating is a vetting process, but these are two people that are engaged in seeing each other regularly and they're having regular sex, but there's no definition to the commitment. There's no declaring of monogamy and exclusivity. In many cases, it's tricky in the first couple of months of this interaction. So it's kind of challenging, but I would think by the third month mark, there needs to be some clear boundaries around what are we doing? Most importantly, is this monogamous and this exclusive? And so what happens is some situationships turn into casual relationships. Some people start with casual relationship and what a casual relationship is. It's a greed monogamy, a greed exclusivity, okay? That they're not yet ready to talk about a future with one another because they still are getting to know one another. So these are casual relationships. And in many cases, many of you are in long-term casual relationships, okay? Now for a variety of reasons, some of you keep choosing to engage in long-distance relationships. Some of you continue to choose cyber relationships where most of the communication is via text messaging. So casual relationships have no real defined plan of something in the future. And I would say, if you get to the six to nine month mark in a casual relationship and there isn't some conversations leading to the future and at the latest, the one year mark, you might find yourself with a man who doesn't believe that he wants to long-term commit with you, but he's certainly willing to get, what's that expression? He's getting the cow for free. He's getting the milk for free without buying the cow. One of my YouTubers said, why give wife duties at girlfriend prices, okay? And these aren't my words. This is what I'm just relating, okay? Those are the casual relationships. Ultimately, serious relationships are those people that are ready to explore deeper intimacy, deeper commitment, whether it's living together apart, whether it's living together, whether it's marriage. And even these types of relationships can end, okay? Because as I said earlier, when you're on a spiritual journey, when you're on a healing journey, sometimes two people get together and they've done just enough healing for themselves, but that other piece of healing has to be done outside of the relationship. You know, this is true for men, I think in men in particular that have gone through a contentious divorce, men who have gone through professional changes in their lives. Certainly there are a lot of men and women in particular that are lost to what their purpose is in life. Breathe into that for a second. What is my purpose? Why am I here? Am I here just to be a transaction? Am I here just to be that cook, the cleaning person and the sex worker? Is that what my purpose is? Some of you might have professional responsibilities. You have a passion in your life. That's great. That gives you some purpose in your professional capacity. Sometimes that can be enough. Sometimes there's a deeper healing that stems from our childhood, that stems from these adult traumas that requires going back out there alone. And that's okay. For those that choose a spiritual healing relationship, whether in most of these are, they are serious. There is some serious intent to explore all in. There is a serious intent to explore all in. Some people, some men just aren't capable of all in. Some women aren't capable of all in. What's most important is for you to recognize that every relationship comes to your doorstep with a gift. What has the gift has been for you? I invite you all to look back at every one of your relationship encounters that are one year longer, or even some of those that were maybe six months or longer and ask yourself, what was the gift that I got from this relationship? Because ladies, the title says, men who choose this are serious about commitment. I'm here to say if you're not, if you're choosing men who are ambivalent about relationships, they're uncertain. They don't have a clear definition that they want to either get remarried or something really significant in the form of partnership. You're gambling. You're gambling. And that's okay. You might, you might roll the dice and it might be snake eyes. And I certainly mean you might have an experience with someone that doesn't go the distance. And that's okay too. So long as you see the gift in what happened, what is the gift for you? This journey of life, by the way, from my perspective, if you ever read the course, the course, or read the book, The Course in Miracles or any spiritual book, life is a journey of self exploration. I think what I love about my business is I get to explore the juicy depths of humanity through relationships. I think relationships are an amazing incubator, laboratory, Petri dish, of understanding who we are as a person. It's not about partnering with someone. Yes, it would be great to partner with someone, but this journey of life is about finding out who you are and more importantly, it's what, listen, I wrote a book called What the Heck Is Self-Love Anyway, A Journey of Personal Development Self-Help Spiritual Work. There's a link below to get a copy of my book. Why I bring this up is I personally, I wrote this, people teach what they need to learn most. I am still in a deep exploration of who I am as a person. Beyond the transaction, beyond the dating coach, beyond the boyfriend, all of these things, beyond being a father, beyond being friends to really amazing group of people. Who am I as a person? Who am I? Why am I here? What's this all for? I think in the next few months, I'm gonna do a deeper dive into that exploration for myself. I do spiritual based journeys with a shaman and I think it's time to really get into this. Who am I? Why am I here? What's this all for? And I invite you all to do that. I want my channel to be a catalyst for your individual growth and I want you to get started with this one book. I want you to read the book, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. This is a great book to learn about who you are, the voices in your head. There's again, a link below all the books I recommend. I highly recommend getting this book. Let this start with my book. Okay, I'm selfish plug, but get this book. You don't have to get a relationship book to find out who you are. Start with this book and then come back to me. I'll help you. All right, men who choose the desire, when they have the desire, when they believe they want a relationship, then they'll see it versus those that are waiting to see it. Because a lot of those men, they want freedom just as much as they want part-time connection. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right, I think this, all right, I think this will be a great place to start with our Q and A. If you're familiar with my format, there's a little chat box for those that are alive right now. I want you to write the word question and post the question there after. Or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Thanks. There's a little dollar sign in the box. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Thanks goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there. My son who passed away five years ago, a few weeks ago, and in his honor, I donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute and the Seeds of Love. All right, so if you're ready to ask questions, write that question there. Mama says, read the Bible. It may give you a new perspective. Careful read takes about three years. Yes, for those that are religious, I highly recommend the Bible. If you are spiritual, but not religious, I highly recommend the book The Course in Miracles, The Course in Miracles. This is a really thick-ass book. It's a one-year program, daily exercises. I did this for three years. Now some religious people will poo-poo this. Listen, I have no disrespect for religious people. I'm really speaking to those of you that are spiritual but not religious. I kind of think this is the way the Bible should have been written. I know that's gonna piss off all my religious people, but we're all entitled to a different point of view. So I highly recommend Michael's, and by the way, do the Course in Miracles with a study group, with a group of people. I did this right before my son passed away and that helped tremendously from healing. So, okay. Lisa wants to know, who is your shaman and how did you connect? It'd be inappropriate to give his name publicly right now so you can write me privately to find out about him. He's in Los Angeles. He's not a true shaman. I call him that. How did we connect through mutual friends? These were mostly people that are interested in plant-based medicine spiritual journeys. Plant-based medicine spiritual journeys. I invite you to Google that. And maybe there's someone in your area. Meetup groups are a great place in your local area to find plant-based medicine spiritual journeys, okay? Jane wants to ask, if a man texts a picture of his private parts, what does that mean? He means he wants either phone sex or he wants sex with you. That's it. Doesn't mean he wants a relationship. Doesn't mean anything more than I just, I want sex. I'm trying to stimulate you. You know, it's so funny though. Men who send, listen, until people agree to share their private parts, okay? Men who do this, there's this belief that if I show you my penis, it's like if we walked on a first date, let me wick out my cock, okay? Show it is, and that's gonna turn you on. There's such a delusion, okay? Now, for those who actually agree to share their body parts, which I don't believe you should do with any photo of yourself in it, you could just, as a matter of fact, you could just go to the internet, find the body part of someone else's and show it, but you gotta be careful because if it's a text, it's gonna have your name associated with it. So I'm not a big fan of that. All right, so thanks for that question. Erica wants to write, what did your statement about red pill men mean? Okay, in my opinion, red pill men have this traditional belief of the one up, one down type of relationship. The man is the leader of the relationship and the woman is the follower, okay? She submits to the man. That's my interpretation of red pill. Now, they're gonna spin it that makes it sound like their red pill basically is they believe the way they view the world is the truth and they believe blue pill people, this is from the movie, The Matrix, blue pill people are delusional, okay? I think everybody is delusional, okay? Let's just put them all in the same pot. So red pill men are selling oftentimes the narrative of a one up, one down type of dynamic. The man is the provider, the protector, the woman is the cook or the chef, the cleaning person and the sex worker. Now they don't say it that way because that's not gonna be attractive but that's what they're basically selling and a woman must submit to a man and that's going to somehow create harmony in a relationship and a lot of red pill men also are selling the narrative to men that they should just be spreading their seed because a lot of these men are incapable because they're biologically, I'm not wired to be monogamous. Okay, human beings may not be wired for monogamy but that's also an excuse for a lot of these guys to have sex with multiple people. All right, Erica, I hope that helps. Oh, I saw a question. Is character, is it a character thing not to commit? No, I think not choosing to commit is usually, I want you to think about right now my son, there's a picture of Colin right there, he's a byproduct of divorced parents, okay? So for those of us who are tail end baby boomers, for those of us who are Gen Xers, our children are the highest byproduct of divorce and I think for many children, men and women alike, they are fearful of marriage because they never saw it role modeled very well in their life. For some, they may adopt the desire of, even though they weren't role modeled, they adopt the desire of marriage because those children really want, they want a sense of security. Other children may not because they have a fearful view of relationships. And so it's not a character thing not to commit, it's a wounded thing. See, unless you were raised in a really healthy, happy household, which very few of us actually were. I mean, my parents were married 66 years, but they didn't role model healthy relationships per se. They did the last 30 years of their marriage, but not the first 30 years, those formative years in my upbringing, they didn't model a great relationship and my mother wounded me deeply. My father wounded me deeply too. He used to beat the shit out of me when I was out of hand. And then, you know, like, and that's just the, that's what I was raised with. And both of my parents had good qualities. Let me be clear, this isn't an accusatory thing. You know, they just didn't, they did the best they could with what they knew. And my mother did something that emotionally fucked me up. She was an emotional avoidant. She would take her anger out on everybody by stonewalling and that caused me to become very anxious, you know, very needy for love. I have to be careful of harping on that because I truly believe I'm healing through that anxiousness. Being in relationships with women these last 30 years of my life has helped me heal those places within myself. Okay, so coming back to it, I don't think it's a character thing. I mean, if we wanna judge a person's character based on their wounds, you can say that. I think most men are good people. Most human beings are good people. They actually have some level of empathy. I only think a small percentage of people are really sociopathic or have true and narcissistic personality disorder. We certainly have bipolar people. We have, what's the other one? Bipolar borderline personality, you know, that sort of thing. I think that's probably only clinically 20% of the population. I think most everybody else is just dysfunctional. Okay, so I hope that helped. Let's go to our next question. What does a guy, this is from S, what does a guy act like he wants to be in and then suddenly runs? Why he texts randomly after a month of no contact to have some connection with no real intent? You know, I think deep down, our little kid inside of us. So I want you to see that there's an adult and there's a little kid inside of us. Our little kid just wants to be loved. And our teenager wants sex, okay? There's the little kid, there's the teenager, and then there's the adult adults, okay? And our teenager wants sex, okay? So our little kid wants to be loved, our teenager wants sex, but our adult has been so wounded that it creates a chaotic neural communication system between those three parts of us, those that little kid, that teenager and the adult within and it's just this chaotic mess of wires. So one minute we're in, one minute we're out, one minute we want this, one minute we want this, because they're not connected. And why I say our teenager, what I mean is that young adult in us that wants to spread our seed everywhere, we just are, I mean, I gotta tell you, by the time I was 16, I wanted to fuck everything in sight. I mean, literally every girl I looked at, I mean, by the way, I don't know if it's changed. I still look at women going, wow, she's hot. I'd like to have sex with her. That's just a natural thing. Does that mean I act on it? No. Does my partner know about this? Yes. I'm not hiding that part of who I am. Now, some men act on it. I'd like to think that I act trustworthy, so it doesn't demonstrate that I show a level of character here. But my point is, what was the question? The reason why this happens is because the adult, that teenager or that young adult, and then the little child are having chaotic conversations with one another. Hope that helps. Lisa says, Jane, if you did not encourage him, it means he did not respect your boundaries. Oh, I apologize, I don't know what that's at. Okay, so Jane writes, if a man does not want you to meet his friends or family after a while, is that a sign? Yeah, that's usually, if someone isn't willing to integrate into each other's lives, then he does not see you long-term. I think men clearly know, if you've been seeing each other regularly for a three-month period of time, regularly, I'm saying at least a couple of times a week, on average, maybe a little bit more. Ideally, I've always talked about the ideal relationships in the first 90 days is you spend three or four days and nights a week together, doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in your personal and your professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy with conversations about the future. That should begin to happen within the three-month mark. I'm not saying it starts on date one or one month in, but it should be leading towards up to that by the three-month mark, okay? At that time, a man who knows he wants a serious commitment knows whether or not she's life-mate material, whether she's partner material. Men know this by 90 days. Men who are only capable of companionship, connection, and sex, men are only capable, these are what I call spenders. They want to spend time with you, but they're not capable of anything deeper. A man knows, so coming back to your question. If he's not introducing you to his family and friends, Jane, or vice versa, then it's a good chance. He knows you're not the one. By the way, he is absolutely okay for the benefits. Really, what you are in most likely in a casual relationship are friends with benefits, but you just don't know about it, okay? Thanks. Michelle comes in with a question. Why would a man who started out as friends ask for a committed monogamous relationship and eventually propose suddenly stop contacting you on a regular basis? Humans are just, we're all dysfunctional. Most humans are dysfunctional emotional beings. They're dysfunctional emotional beings. Why does this happen? He butted up against a childhood wound or adult trauma and he got scared. Maybe there's something in you that he's not, maybe there is something in you that's not right for him. He's on his own journey. He's on it, by the way, if coming back to the spiritual conversation I have, okay, I want you to really sit with this for a second. You have your individual journey and he has his individual journey, okay? Two autonomous people who are approaching a relationship from a fairly healthy place, okay? Can join together into, where they intersect is a we relationship. And ideally when two whole people get together, then all they do is share the best parts of themselves together in this we. They're still autonomous, but they have this intersecting we. The we is a separate relationship, is a separate entity. I'm gonna repeat that. There's a you, there's a me, but the we is a separate entity. And it requires a different type of nurturing. My guess is, is you guys were most likely in what I call a transactional or conditional relationship. Now, every transactional conditional relationship is a gift. I know many of you are gonna balk at this right now. You do not see every past relationship as a gift. I'm only speaking to those in my community that understand the spiritual and healing nature of a relationship. The spiritual and healing nature of relationship because when two people come together it might be for one season, it might be for four seasons, meaning it might be for three months. It might be like, it might be for summer. We all start with the summer. It's hot and heavy in the first 90 days. And then we go into fall, we go into winter and we go into spring. And for some people, they go through this evolution and they move on. And for some, they go the distance. Those are the spiritual healing journeys. Most of you in transactional relationships you're budding up against each other all day long because there's so many differences because you're not approaching it from a true conscious perspective. If you're not familiar with the book, Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukoff. I highly recommend reading this. This is for all my spiritual people. And for you transactional and conditional people too. It's time for you to change because what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and over and over and over again expecting a different results. And worse, many of you are so sadly wounded from past traumas that it makes it almost impossible for many of you to choose a healthy relationship. It saddens me. Folks, I've been on this journey for over a decade and a half and I've been, my friend Alison Armstrong calls it the tunnel. I did the, my whole blueprint was go to college, get a job, meet a girl, get married, buy a house, start a family. And when that all collapsed, I was in the dark night of my soul. This was 2005, 2000. So it's been almost 18 years. I've been reparenting myself for the first 29 years of my life. I had my parents parent me or 21 years of my life. My parents parented me for the next 15 years. I was dancing with finding a partner, believing that would heal me. And it wasn't until afterwards that I was able to really recognize, and I'm saying this for everyone as a call to do the personal development, self-help spiritual work, to do the healing from your childhood wounds and adult traumas. If you're not familiar with the book, The Hoffman Process. This is one of the companies I donate to. This is a deep dive. If you spend, this will take you upwards of six months to a year. If you devote one year to begin a true deep healing journey and read some of the other books, I recommend. You're on your way to a healthy, happy relationship. Otherwise, what's the definition in Sandy? Doing the same thing over and over again. Respecting different results. Let's keep going here. Erica has a question. Why did you insinuate that they are sex slave drivers when they are men advocating for awareness or to trafficking in our country? I just wanna simply say this. Men who operate from a one up, one down, I'm using the term sex worker, and I'm simply saying they wanna cook. They wanna cleaning later. They want someone to have sex with. They may even advocate some level of autonomy, but they're still coming at it in my opinion. I'm just stating my opinion from a one up, one down point of view. And they are more than welcome to do that. So Erica, if that's your jam too, I am not here to, you are entitled to your perspective. You're entitled to your desires. I'm not saying anyone cannot choose that red pill narrative. You can do that. Those tend to be transactional and conditional relationships. In other words, for a lot of those men, guess what happens if the woman gets unattractive, he'll dump her. If she gets overweight, he'll dump her. If she starts expressing her needs, he'll dump her. So be careful of that. That's what I'm addressing. All right. Question, I'm texting. I am texting, never met, never send out name pictures, only talk. We'll text about daily life and we're emotionally attracted. No, a text relationship is not healthy. Folks, I mean, by the way, by the way, there's a big difference between having a real relationship and a cyber relationship. And if you think a cyber relationship is real, and yes, it is real. There's no doubt about it. It's real, but it's not really a day in, day out physical relationship. It's simply cyber. And I think many human beings, I just witnessed this on the show 90 day before the 90 days. There's this man, a heavy set man named Terrell. Tyrell, no, Tyree, something like that. I only mentioned he's heavy set because I mean, the poor guy, I'm worried about his health, okay? He began a cyber relationship with a woman in another country for four years, only to find out he's been catfished. And he's having, his reality is so skewed that he's literally, I mean, he's gonna fall apart because he fell in love with a fantasy, fell in love with an idea. That's what relationship, cyber relationships can do. And I'm here to say, if you want a real connect, you know, it's an opportunity for him to heal. There's no doubt about it. Cyber relationships are an opportunity to heal, but I just feel really sad for this guy because he is devastated. Anyway, that's my opinion on that. Oh, let's keep going. Let's see, boom, boom, boom, Eli. I've been in a three-month relationship long distance. Communication has decreased. What's an excellent question to ask for clarity on our relationship is going? Need clarity. Why don't you just ask for clarity? Tim, I've noticed our communication has pulled away. I would like to talk about a seriously committed relationship where we're living together, getting married. I'd like to start those conversations. This guy is gonna run like nobody's business, but listen, if your long distance relationship is really just a long distance booty call, that's all it is in most cases, okay? Long distance is just a long distance booty call, okay? Unless you have a plan of shortening the distance. Unless you have a plan of shortening the distance. By the way, he knows whether or not he wants commitment with you. He is men who want a serious commitment progress the relationship forward. Men who don't want a serious commitment with you pull back because they just bottom line is they just don't see you as the one because most likely he's men who choose long distance booty calls aren't about wanting marriage. They just want occasional booty. That's my, by the way, I guarantee you I'm 99.5% right. There's always the exception to the rule, Eli. I get it. You might even think that. Okay, karma, Kamiya, Kamiya, whatever. I butch your names. I'm terrible at names, please forgive me. I was naively married to a red pill man. Then found out it found myself in and on again, off again relationship with what I now recognize to be another red pill man. How does one break out of this pattern? Great, okay. First you have to, this is what the spiritual work is. You have to identify first how this compares to your childhood, to your mother, your relationship with your primary caregivers. That's number one. Recognize what your pattern is in love attachment style. Are you an anxious or an avoidant love attachment? The parents is what's known as the amago. Then there's love attachment. Amago is spelled I-M-A-G-O, I-M-A-G-O, Google it, the amago, type in Harvelle Hendricks. So that's one, that's two, attachment, okay. Ask yourself, what positive things did I learn about myself in this experience? What did I learn in this experience? So come at it from a place of love. I look at myself from a place of love. How did, what did I, what positive things, what healing did I have in this relationship? Then I want you to go over here. What was good about the relationship? What was good? And more importantly, what am I grateful for? And then getting crystal clear on who's truly compatible with you. Women come to me all the time. Jonathan, I know what I want. I know what I want. I know what I want in relationship and it's all superficial. Then they do a deep dive in my coaching program and guess what they say every single time. They say things like, why didn't they teach me this in school? Why didn't my parents teach me this? You made me think. We operate from a perspective. And let me just say this, everything we've learned about relationships is wrong. I'm here to offer an alternate perspective. So how do you break the pattern? Start with what I just suggested. Is that sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right, let's keep going. Let's go here. Let's keep going here. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Hey, I wanna give Sherry some big props. Thank you for the $4.99 super sticker. I really appreciate it. Rebecca says, I have plenty of male friends, relationships that didn't work out that I still communicate with and I want a permanent partner. Yay! By the way, having, having, listen, two people can separate in a very conscious uncoupling. They can recognize that maybe they weren't meant to go on this journey together. That's okay. That's okay too. And you can still maintain a civil, loving, compassionate connection with another human being. Does that mean you talk to them every day on the phone? Of course not, okay? Because that's dependency. So anyway, that's my opinion anyway. Thank you so much. Jane wants to ask, if a man has never been in a union, is that a sign? You know, it's very rare that people hit an age of 45 and 50, 45 and 50 that haven't had a relationship. It's very rare. But yeah, there's, by the way, I mean like never got married. Now most everybody has had at least a relationship that's lasted close to a year. Okay? It's very rare, you know? So is that a sign? Who knows? You know, maybe they've been a monk and they've been on an individual journey for a while. You know? Who's to say? Anyway, but it could, like there's this belief that if a man or woman have never been married, there's something wrong with them. There's something wrong with all of us. By the way, just because someone got married and got a divorce, what's wrong with them? So we judged the person who got married, well, at least they made a commitment. Well, maybe the other person who never got married didn't make a bad choice. So anyway, that's my opinion on that. Let's keep going here. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Let's see, do we have a question? Jane says, is there anything to astrological signs of people list good and bad points in their persona? I struggle with this one because I tend to believe, I'm a Leo, so I tend to look at that and I say, wow, it feels true for me. Okay, it feels true for me. And so, and I have recognized, I've dated women that seem like, Scorpios seem to have a sting. I've dated Leos that can be a little bit self-centric. I've dated Gemini's where there's a duality. So what others have I dated? Cancers, cancers, you know, it's funny. My ex-wife was a cancer, or is a cancer, excuse me. And I was really, I said I would never date a cancer because she was a cancer. And then I met a cancer and very grounding person, very good person in my life. So I'd let go of that belief. You know, I think when we, when we choose by astrological signs, we gotta recognize that there are rising signs and there's houses and nodes and there's all these different things. And I believe the moment we are born, I just believe the moment, the very moment in location we're born is a portal in a matrix, in a spiritual matrix. And when we end a relationship is another portal. So there's a portal, there's a moment that we enter in and we're gonna have experiences and there's a moment we're gonna enter out and we're gonna have experiences, okay? So with that said, I just, you know, I don't like to get hung up on them because we can look at, it's kind of like, you know, every astrological person I've ever spoken to has said the moment, you know, like my stars say this but then there's also this other rationalization that tells me that the stars were wrong. So I don't know about that. Okay. Hey, from one of our Facebook member groups, I'm in a friends with benefits relationship with a man for over two years. He had a girlfriend who he claims is the love of his life and he really loved her and me at the same time. Well, see, what is real love? What is real love? Let's talk about it from a romantic perspective, not from a perspective of the way we treat our children or our friends. What is love? I think when you say the words, I'm in love with you, in love with you, because we can care for someone. I think saying the words I love you isn't the same of I'm in love with you, okay? So I think a man and woman can love multiple people at the same time, just like we have the capacity to love our multiple children. We have a capacity to love our parents. We have that capacity to love multiple people. To be in love with a person, I believe requires this. I'm here, you matter. We are important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you, okay? I'm here means I'm present. I'm whole as a human being. You matter. I see you present and whole as a human being. We are important. That intersection of the two is the we, the separate entity. I'm here, you matter. We're important. I've got your back. That means we're, you know, I'm going to be there for you even during the bad times, okay? We're a team. That means we're going to be partners in one another, with partners with one another. And last but not least, I only want you, that means I only want to fuck your brains out. Excuse my French for saying this. I'm sometimes graphic in this sense, but I only want to have sex with you. Someone write this in the box. I'm here, you matter. We're important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. Oh, I'm sorry. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere. I'm sorry, I screwed up. That means I only want commitment with you. I only want commitment with you. So coming back to your question, I don't think you can be in love with two people at the same time, because that in love is a declaration of commitment to one another. By the way, I'm sorry I butchered my own content. Sometimes when I'm doing this, my brain is a little bit scattered. So please forgive me on that one. All right. I hope that helps. Thanks so much. I'm a Pisces and married to one. Is that a Dutch? Is it? It was a Dutch marriage. But does it really have anything to do with them being a Pisces? I don't know. Jane wants to ask, but it's not their different types of love. Friends, children, parents, Christian love. I am confused now. I'm just simply saying, if we have the capacity to love multiple children, each uniquely to one another, we have a capacity to love multiple, we have a mother and father, if we have capacity to love friends, in the context of romantic love, differentiating between love and in love, in love is a declaration to one another. And I believe you can only do that with one person at a time. Rojika says, real love is different for different people, but it is a genuine want. I agree with that. Juliana says, I can't rely on numerology or astrology since I was born in Korea, placed in the Norfolkage. My name and birth date were made up. Yeah, a lot of, by the way, a lot of, you know, how do you think about it? How many people know to the second, the minute they were born? A lot of this is subjective, okay? At least in my opinion anyway. Let's see. Let's see. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. If you have a question, write the word question and post the question there after where you can purchase a super sticker, super chat, all of the monies from the super sticker, super chat, those those scholarship funds in the name of my son, Connor Asley, and I donate to multiple causes. We just wrote a check for $150 yesterday, actually, to the seeds of love. Erica wants to point out that astrological signs are political standpoint. You should be open to knowing the person, why they are, and they see things where and not make assumptions that they're abusive to their partners. I don't think I've ever accused anyone of being abusive. I only say the thing about Scorpios because I've been told they have a stinger and I actually was with the Scorpio and she kind of had a stinger to her. That's just my observation. I'm not making a judgment about it. I'm just making my observation if that's what you're referring to. Maria wants to say, knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not put it in a fruit salad. Philosophy is wondering if Bloody Mary's count as a smoothie. Oh, I've got to remember this. And by the way, I tend to always get things mixed up. So I recognize that wisdom to me, it's a really tricky question. What is wisdom? I think we have our perceptions on the world. And I think a person's perceptions have value and that can provide wisdom to someone in their life. I think what is, because anyone's individual journey of growth can come from a variety of perspectives, whether sometimes the problem is we label things good at bad, like Democrats and Republicans. I mean, there's this divide going on in the country that we talked about red pill and blue pill. I think what I encourage is a healthy sovereignty. Sure, we all have judgments, but that's because of our perceptions, but a healthy sovereignty is what I encourage for everyone. What is sovereignty? Is being in a healthy place for yourself? I truly believe when two people are really in a good place for themselves, and they join together in union, and they actually choose a spiritual partnership, whatever that looks like for them, meaning that the relationship is a separate entity and it requires nurturing just like you would water a plant. I've got a fig plant right there, I water it once a month. It's one of those you only water once a month, but a relationship requires watering. Most people think that entertainment waters a relationship. And I do believe, I think I was listening to Jay Shetty, he said, a healthy growing relationship are two people that learn something new together on a regular basis, and they are both of service to humanity on a regular basis. Those couples tend to have the strongest relationships. And I'm starting to really believe, I'm starting to really evaluate, there's so much merit in that. Most humans are in transactional or conditional relationships. And when you're in a transactional conditional relationship, and by the way, I mean, people are certainly allowed to choose what they want. But guess what? Conditional relationships fall apart. I mean, they can sonicate, there are certainly the exceptions to the rules that they don't completely fall apart. But I really wonder, are they truly fulfilled in their heart when they're in a transactional or conditional relationship versus a spiritual healing relationship? That's my two cents on that. All right, let's see, last but not least. Joe Hicka says, wisdom is knowing when to talk and when to make a move, knowing what's right when you need to make a choice. It's an interesting way of looking at it. Thank you for that. This will be our last question today. Does anyone have a special place where men can flirt with besides online? That's certainly something that most everybody wants to know. I do believe that online dating, particularly dating apps, have bastardized the meeting process. It is open the door for a lot of hookups, friends with benefits and situationships and casual relationships. Because when you're meeting total strangers, because that's what you do when you meet from these vehicles, you have no real clarity on what is their real intent. So I do believe, but meeting in the real world isn't a guarantee either. So then meeting people who know, meeting people who know the people you know would be the ideal situation, being in environments where you get to know someone on a more friendly basis. So what do you think about back in the 60s? Work was the predominant place people met. They met at work after, I mean, for those that are in their late 20s and early 30s, they met at work because they had built a familiarity with one another and then they explored a relationship together. The reason why a lot of those relationships worked out is because they built the foundation before they ever had sex. Today, with the click of a button, we can connect with someone, have sex relatively easily, we can hook up. And it's no wonder it's a bastardized process. So do the things you love and try to meet people in that capacity. That's my invitation for you. All right. I just wanna address Erika. You indicated red pill men treat their women as sex slaves. No, I did never said those words, okay? I never said those exact words. However, I do believe those men a significant percentage of men. Significant percentages means just over 51% of them desire a cook or a chef, a housekeeper and someone they can have sex with on a regular basis. Now, do those men treat them with respect? Maybe, yes, maybe no. But what I will say this, they oftentimes operate, oftentimes operate, I'm above you, you submit to me. That's my critical issue, okay? That's my critical issue is that you have to submit to me, okay? And if you have to submit sexually, then that's what you turn into. So just recognize this. You can disagree with me all you want, but that's my perspective on it. You can leave my channel if you want. That's okay too. But ladies, I'm speaking to you that don't subscribe to this perspective. You are not, you are an empowered individual that can make your choices and be careful of men who choose the one up, one down type of relationships that they want you to submit to them, which a significant percentage of that community wants. And that's what I'm addressing. I'm not saying all those men, but they operate from that place, a lot of them, okay? That's my, all right, that's my two cents. Let's see, well, I'll take one more question. I'm on a roll here. Do men always know from the outset that they want committed or can develop over a good amount of time? Bella, I want you to go back and listen to the first 20 minutes of this conversation. I address that in detail in the first 20 minutes of this conversation. Jane wants to know, I think I want to start a book club for men. What do you think? I think it'd be great. I think couples, well, how about this? Couples that are engaged in mutual learning of something new and maybe it's picking up a book like Spiritual Partnership. Maybe it's the book Eight Dates. Maybe it's the book Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. How about you can do that with men? I think as relationships, what is church? Church is a space where you go and learn something new. So start your own version of church with your partner and use the books I recommend as templates. That's my invitation for you. Jane wants to say thank you so much. You're very welcome. I appreciate that. All right, folks. Hey, I hope you found value in this conversation. If you did, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Hit that notification bell. If I resonate with you, if I did resonate with you, post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. And if you have something that you disagree with me, you are more than welcome to share that. I'm not suggesting that I am right or I'm wrong, I'm sharing you my perspective on the world. The way I view relationships. It is not meant to be gospel. It is just meant to be a perspective. You take out what feels true for you and then you can leave out what doesn't feel true for you. By the way, we don't have to always agree with one another. I think healthy human beings can sometimes have different perspective on things. We have become a divided country where there's blue and there's red and there's red pill and there's blue pill and there's this and that. There's so much divide. Where is the union gonna happen? It starts from your own individual sovereignty and then start to surround yourself with people who are also introspective doing that inner journey of healing. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right. This would be a great place to wrap up this video. First off, I'm gonna give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrett of self love. I'm gonna reach into the, did you see those pit stains? I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear, a pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Natasha says, very good session and mentorship. I'm thankful. Thank you for that. Patricia says, thank you, Jonathan, for your insights. I am so grateful for that. Kathy wants to say great chat. Happy to chat you live today. Thank you, Kathy. I appreciate that. Melissa says, thank you, Jonathan. Jane says, yes, good chat. I'm glad, well, I don't know if the chat box was a good chat or my conversation was a good chat. Let's see what else. Jojica wants to give us a bunch of hearts and a big kiss and a big star eyes. Thank you so much. Jane says, John, you are good. You know, Tanya wants to go on to say, I appreciate you and your wisdom. Well, thank you so much. I have a feeling a few did not. Escar Love says, sorry, I missed this one. I'm sorry you did too. Your convo for sure. Okay, thank you, Kathy. I appreciate that. Elena wants to go on to say thank you, Jonathan, for another great conversation. I appreciate that. Gina just says, sorry, I just got here. Well, you can listen to the replay. The first 20 minutes is boatload of great content. I truly believe I offered a lot of wisdom in the first 20 minutes and I invite you, if you missed it, to go back and listen to that. Let's see, is there any other prompts here or props here? Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. LiveLive says, I will have to watch the replay. I hope you do. Joe Hanna says, you're great, Jonathan. I cannot thank you for all your insight and honest coaching. Erica says, my point is you shouldn't have gone there, especially with your loose statistics. Again, this is just merely a perspective of the way I view this. I think it's important that we go into the nooks and crannies. How do we build true intimacy with someone without going through the difficult conversations? So we can have difference of opinion. Yes, we didn't get a chance to interact. And next time I'm gonna give you a chance to jump in on the call. So thank you. Jane says, yes, you are good, Jonathan. My Facebook group member says, thank you for your wisdom. Kamila says, thank you very much. Ah, let's see. Brian says, the whole red pill community is screwed up and in no way to go, wait. The whole red pill community is screwed up and in no way to go about relationships. Just my opinion. Yes, someone shares my opinion. Jane wants to remind us, yes, the nooks and crannies and details of a person and in their brain are hard. That's the whole point. And I think it's important to talk about, wait, okay, well, let me come back to this one. I think it's important to talk about things that relate to politics, religion, all these perspective. I think it's important to flush these out. There are a lot of people with different perspectives. Rebecca wants to say that Eric, he agree, Eric, he doesn't have to grasp on being a red pill and having a traditional relationship with a non-feminist woman. I'm not a feminist. By the way, I clearly say, Rebecca, you're entitled, everybody's entitled to the type of relationship they want. So I'm not, I grasp that. I fully grasp that. I'm not for it, okay, but I grasp that for many people that is what they want, okay? I'm here to talk more about spiritual healing relationships. It is through the spiritual healing relationships that I'm here to talk about. I'm just not a big fan of transactional conditional relationships is all. All right. All right, you know what? Great place to wrap up. Thanks so much. Have a fab day. Be well, everyone.