 You can trust me. Oh yeah, I've studied almost every moment of your entire life. You've literally stabbed people in the back like 50 times. Why never do it again? Where is your handler? You're already running late to the assignment. Fine. Mobile Task Force Omega-2, codenamed Ratcatchers, is en route, finally. That bastard killed my best friend. And you have a body pillow of it! Today's briefing is for mature audiences only, so if you're one of our younger cadets, go spend 10 minutes with SCP-131 and I'll see you in the next video. SCP-297, known as Steely Dan, is going viral on TikTok right now because a lot of people are shocked that we have an adult toy in the anomalous archives. Well, strap in, pun definitely intended, because that's not the only one. SCP-383, titled, This, is an anomalous, how should I say, not good dragon. 383 has two anomalous effects associated with it. The first is that, depending on what reflective surface you view it through, it appears to take on different forms. These forms range from itself with no alterations, to different sea creatures, to even a Cthulhu-like entity. The common thread seems to be tentacles. The second anomalous effect is that if someone goes into REM sleep near SCP-383, they have a nightmare where they're attacked by a giant tentacled monster who terrorizes and destroys them. It doesn't harm them in the real world though, it's still just a dream. We sent in a researcher who skilled at lucid dreaming to interview the entity, and after the entity realized that the researcher wasn't going to be scared of it, it just gave up and gave an interview. The poor thing said that it's ashamed of what it is in real life and so it scares people in their dreams as a kind of self-therapy. We're trying to requisition a weekly D-class so it has someone to scare so it can feel better. This is where I work, giving human test subjects to an anomalous dildo for its self-esteem issues. I know containing stand users can be dangerous, but some like this guy are completely harmless. Unless he throws the ball at you, then look out. Oh, seven of you! Eight if you can't plush it. Well, let me say I do not regret pushing your brethren into the cat-made-wife-food dimension and you can't hurt me if you can't catch me! Hey Daniel, it's been a while, which you've been up to these days. Same as always. Hey, what if pocket dimensions are actually incredibly common, but whenever they pop up there's this hidden group that just puts film equipment around it? So they're like, oh no, the street's going to be the 1950s for the next couple of days. We should just put down some generators and cameras and no one's going to think any different of it. In fact, they'll be kind of thrilled that it's happening and like different realities and stuff can poke through and then you just have it centralized in certain cities like Georgia or Vancouver or Hollywood and the more I say this out loud, that's what's happening, isn't it? Did I figure something out? We could probably not answer that. Oh, you better answer it. Good morning. Good news. Ohio is gone. Hold your Larry the Loving Lama's here. Ohio is not gone. They just seceded from our reality into their own pocket dimension just like three portlands did. But I've looked at their transcendence treaty. This thing is full of holes, loopholes, holes in our understanding of language due to love crafty and dialects. Listen, I'm going to have this nullified and Ohio will be back by lunch. Don't you worry. Attention all site personnel. We are currently looking for a new research head for the SCP Project. Now I understand your hesitancy. This is the fourth team lead to leave the project in three months after all. But I assure you, they underwent no emotional, mental, physical, metaphysical, or pataphysical harm during their tenure. They all left for the same identical reason. No Megusta. Oh, bread Jesus. Just ignore the alien geometries. Oh geez, Dr. Sherman. I don't like this. Oh, well I'm not the one who asked for Chicken McNuggets in a Lovecraft dimension, so now we're both unhappy. Fuck you. What's your name? Such a cuff man. My ass. What's your name? Da-da-da-da-da. Such a cuff man. I can't go. Get off my goddamn tower this instant. I can't. Why the hell not? I can't go down, dumbass. I can only go up. What? I gotta reach the top and wreck back down. You can't just turn around? Of course I fucking can't. What are you stooping? It can't be that hard. I don't see you climbing a fucking tower with suction cups. Hey, it's a full moon this Easter and you know what that means. Oh, damn it, he's right. There's gonna be a werewolf Jesus. Are we supposed to put him? We already have too many Jesuses or G-Zi or whatever. We can't put him with bread Jesus or Jesus because they're food. We could put him with four Jesus, but I'm afraid of what might happen if they became friends. All right, Uber driver Jesus it is. Man, I hate this place sometimes. We don't like to leave anomalies out in public, but this lawn mower Kool-Aid manned itself out of the back of the containment van and mulched three agents when we tried to remove it. Turns out, as its catchy song suggests, it just really likes being at La Chateau de Versailles. He told everyone it has a malfunctioning stereo function and to ignore it. I don't like the way my skin feels on my body. Fair. Do you like the way your skin feels on your body? Can't have it. Fine, I'll check the back room speed, but nothing ever happens in there. Oh, wait, come here. We have clear signs of habitation. We found a children's drawing and a balloon and a balloon. A banner that says welcome back. So they speak English and they've been here for a while it seems. A lot of children's party in that room, children's drawings here. No sign of the actual people though, interesting. We have a bedroom. Oh, hello tall dark and see-through. Could be where all those people want. At least he's not following D759. How is he going to get up there? Oh, okay. Oh, the hallway is gone. Oh, he's trapped in the balls. Can you drown in those? Do we ever find that out from the Fazbear Entertainment Test? Either way, I'm not fishing him out. I can reset this 13 second loop as many times as you need to get the materials to stop the moon from Majora's masking our asses, but I gotta be honest, my thumb's getting pretty tired. Would you kindly hurry the hell up? Here we go again. I need a maid dressing cat ears for that plague doctor. I've got to stop with this jaywalking. I'm gonna see what that gay shit. What gay shit the law- Technically. Technically. My fault. I will feed your kids to the child breaker, Richard. Researcher, my name is O5-3. Oh, shit. I'm here to review the after-action report of your site director that details that you are responsible for the loss of eight mobile task forces, 332 D-class personnel, 573 researchers, one site administrator, 3647 civilian casualties, the loss of an entire Keter-class containment facility and a potential SK-class world ending scenario that required the mass deployment of amnestics to a 953 square kilometer area. But please, let's discuss this about a technicality. Gary, they're gonna eat you. When was the last time you ran full speed? The Foundation Fitness Initiative strongly suggests daily cardiovascular exercise for all Foundation staff members because during a containment breach, the staff member who runs slowest doesn't come to work tomorrow or ever again. Approach the entity. Don't ask questions, D-class. Just get the jail. 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