 J-E-L-L-O. The Jell-O program, starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Kenny Baker, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens a program with Sing My Heart. Ladies and gentlemen, there are certain words which seem to have a fine, dependable sound. And I think the word genuine is one of them. The dictionary says genuine, real, true, pure. Having the character it is claimed to have as a genuine signature. Well, Jell-O measures up to every one of these claims, and the name Jell-O is a genuine signature. For that name is a trademark. It's the property of general foods. And it tells you here is the real thing. If you hear any other gelatin dessert called Jell-O, that's incorrect, for there is no other Jell-O. So whenever you order Jell-O, always order it by name, whether it's from your grocer or in a restaurant. And this is National Restaurant Week, the week of May 8th to May 14th. So when you're dining out, order Jell-O for dessert. Just remember to enjoy Jell-O's delicious, extra-rich flavor, as tempting as the real fruit. Be sure to insist by name on genuine Jell-O. Now, ladies and gentlemen, that spring is here and well underway. Tonight, we bring you a big dose of sulfur and molasses, Jack Benny. Thank you. Jell-O again, this is tough to take Benny coming to you. So hold your nose, folks, and swallow hard. Ain't I awful? You know, Don, we can laugh now about sulfur and molasses, but when I was a kid, I hated that stuff, didn't you? I sure did. Gee, I remember every time my mother gave it to me, I used to go, uhg. Uhg? Yeah, oh, sometimes I'd go ish. But as a rule, I'd stick to uhg. It was a colloquial expression in Warkeegan. Well, tell me, Jack, did you say, uhg for cod liver oil, too? Ugg for cod liver oil, heavens know, Don. For cod liver oil, the correct ejaculation is brrrr-nagasaki. I, uh, I remember that distinctly. Well, that's about the silliest routine I've ever heard. I'm getting out of here before the wagon pulls up. Well, you're a fine one to criticize, Mr. Harris, with that baby talk of yours. What baby talk? I heard you on the air last night singing the Three Little Fishes. Talks to the mama-fitty top if you tan, and he fam, and he fam wide over the dam. Woo! Now, wait a minute. You should have heard them, folks. Boop-boop-did-em-dot-em-wottem. You know, Phil, just because you drink like a fish, you don't have to act like one. Imagine a big gawk like you singing twee-iddy fishes. Well, why shouldn't I? It's a very popular song, and it's sweeping the country. It is, eh? Yes, and I did watts and watts of wetwest to tink it. Oh, who do? Well, listen, Phil, don't tink it in here if you want to keep your job. I'm getting tick and tired of you towing off all the time. Well, I don't care about my job here anyway. I'm in pictures now and doing swell. And if you want to know something, I'm even trying to get rid of my orchestra. Oh, you are, eh? Well, Phil, for your information, there's an old Chinese proverb that says, do not dump orchestra in ash can until you are out of sane. I found that in a rice cookie. So you better stick to radio, Phil, you and your twee-iddy fishes. Oh, tut it out. Tut it out. Tut it out yourself, and tut up. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, kitties. Can an adult get in this conversation? I think so. Say, Mary, is you over here, Phil, do that baby song, Three Iddy Fishies? Sure, I was over at the Wilshire Bowl the other night and saw him do it. Everybody stopped dancing to watch him. Got plenty of laughs, didn't I, Mary? Who wouldn't with those diapers you were wearing? Oh, dressing for the party. Yeah, and you want to know something, Jack? What? Our maestro is knock-kneed. Knock-kneed? Hey, I didn't know that. Oh, she's ribboned, Jack. I ain't knock-kneed. Go on, you couldn't get a piece of dental floss between those knobs. Oh, that's a good one. So the big movie star has knocked me. That's rich. Quiet, hooplegs. Mary, we were discussing Phil. Anyway, we've got a long play to do tonight, so let's all settle down and get started. Where's Kenny? Kenny, I saw him across the street in the sandwich shop. Oh. You should have seen him flirting, Jack. You know, they've got a new waitress over there. They have? Phil, come back here. I never saw such a guy. Well, I'm hungry. If you're hungry, take a sandwich out of my bucket. It's under the piano right next to my police dog. Oh, Jack, why do you have to bring that dog down here? Nobody's going to steal your lunch. Oh, no. Take a good look at those drooling, dipsy doodlers sitting there. I need that dog all right. Say, Jack, why do you always bring your lunch to the studio anyway? 18 years ago, he lost a hat in a restaurant. Mary, I've been trying to forget that. So please. Quiet, Baskerville. Say, Mary, what were you saying before about Kenny? Well, he was in the sandwich shop trying to date up that new waitress. He had three molded milks, two ice cream sodas, and a banana split before he got her first name. Oh, goodness. How could he eat all that stuff? With a spoon. That's a good one. Oh, my goodness. I'm going home. That's all. I'm going home. Come on, Baskerville. What's the matter, Jack? I thought that was pretty quick thinking. Listen, Ezra, I want you to cut out those ad-libs. You've started more bridge games in the middle of our program than anybody on it. You know what kills me, Don? I work and slave over a script all week long. And then on Sunday, the Maharaja walks in, and with three little words puts us right back on the Chautauqua circuit with a spoon. Well, it just came to me and I said it. And you know, folks, this just came to me. Oh, fine. As long as you have a spoon, you can get a dish, fill it with jello, and you'll have the most tempting gelatin dessert you've ever tasted in your life. Now, at least, Don, you're sophisticated. It is economical, easy to make, and comes in six delicious flavors. Strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. Look for the big red letters on the box. Well, I don't know where we are now, so we might as well have a number. Play something, Phil. Hold it a minute. Come in. Mr. Benny? Yes? Is Phil Harris going to sing three little fishes tonight? No, and who are you? Just a hungry college boy. Goodbye. I wonder if the CCC boys could plant something on his head. Play, Phil. Those of the Rio Grande played by Phil Harris and his miracle-mile music manglers. And just to be fair about it, I must admit that that number was very good. It was swell. I didn't think it was loud enough. Not loud enough? Why, Phil, you've got three violins in your orchestra, which I know will be startling news to our listening audience. They're plenty loud. Not for me. I got to put more brass in my band. More brass? Phil, you've got a trumpet player alone that Gabriel will have a tough time following. That last number, he blew a pompadour right up the back of my neck. Just leave well enough alone, Phil. And now, folks. Just the same, I need more sock to my music, more volume. Why don't you put in a burglar alarm? That's all he needs. And now, folks. My band may sound all right to you, Jack, but as far as I'm concerned, I don't hear enough brass. Phil, just pin your curls up over your ears and everything will be ducky. Now, let's get on with our show. Hey, Jack, look who just came in. Oh, yes, our sandwich shop, Casanova. Hello, Kenny. Hello, Jack. Boy, am I sick. Well, you should be sick. After three malted milks, two ice cream sodas, and a banana split. All of that just to talk to a girl. I'm going out with her tonight if I feel better. Oh, you are, eh? Yeah, I got her phone number right here in this card. Gee, she's beautiful. Give me that number, Kenny. I'll hold it for you till you grow up. Come on, give it to me. I won't. You give me that, or I'll tell your mother. All right. Here, you stool pigeon. It's more like it. Oh, Jack, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Mary, I only took that phone number away from Kenny because he's too young to be going out with girls. Well, you're too old, so give it a fill. Oh, no. Come on, Jackson, make way for tomorrow. Phil, you're not getting her number, and neither is Kenny. Do you think she'd like a fat boy? What is this, a grab bag? Now, nobody's getting this girl's number, so forget it. Looks like she's stuck with foxy grandpa. Mary, I'm merely holding her phone number because Kenny is too young. Let's see this. Oxford, 7, 3. Kenny, is this a 3 or a 5? I'll tell you when I grow up. Here, you can have it back. I was only kidding. Say, Kenny, old pal, I got an idea. Why don't you bring your girlfriend over to the Wilshire Bowl tonight? I'll let you lead my band. You better hang your girl in the check room, Kenny. You said it, Mary. And how? You know, Jack, the last time I brought a girl over to Phil's place, Phil came home with us in a cab. Well, I bet you were plenty burned up, weren't you? I'll say I had to sit up front with a driver where I couldn't hear the radio. Oh, so Phil got your girl, eh? Yeah. Well, Kenny, for your edification, there's an old Chinese proverb that says, he who introduces girlfriend to Phil Harris had better carry spare. And now, kitties, let's forget our love life and get on with the program. Ladies and gentlemen, as you all know, yesterday marked another running of that great annual turf classic, the Kentucky Derby. So for our play tonight, we are going to- By the way, Jack, did you place a bet on the big race yesterday? Yes, Don. I had $2 on the winner, Johnstown. I had a terrific hunch on him. That's Jack all right. He throws away his money like a boomerang. Now, Mary, that horse wasn't so sure of winning. You didn't play him to win. Oh, that's right. I had him to show. And now, getting back to our play, as I was saying, folks, yesterday was the running of the great Kentucky Derby. So tonight, the Benny Perry Mutual players will present an original play dedicated to this outstanding event. This will go on. Hey, is this a general program? What? Why, Andy Devine, the old mayor of Van Nys himself, come on in. Hiya, Buck. I haven't seen him in a long time. Andy, gee, I haven't seen you in weeks. Why don't you drop around once in a while? Well, I've been pretty busy on the farm, Buck. You know, it's spring, and I've been doing all the planting and plowing, and it's a lot of work for one man. I'll bet it is. Hey, well, doesn't your paw do anything on the farm? No, Buck, he's got a system. Oh. He makes cider in the fall, bottles it in the winter, drinks it in the spring, and sleeps all summer. Well, at least he's happy. But Andy, with all you've got to do, I should think you'd try and get a little work out of your paw. Oh, I don't trust him, Buck. Last year, he took a couple of snorts and plowed up Highway 99. Oh, well, I'm glad you found time to come down to see us. Hey, Andy, how's your maw? Oh, she's fine, Buck. Paw took her up to the San Francisco Fair last week. Well, that was nice. He tried to get her a job with Sally Rand, but they turned her down. They turned her down? Why? She's got your trouble, Buck, bow legs. Now, wait a minute. The next one on this program that says I've got bow legs has got to chase a pig through them. It's a cinch. Never mind. Say, Andy, how do you happen to be in town today? Oh, I come down to pick up my girl. She just got a job across the street in that Sandwich Shop. In the Sandwich Shop? Jeepers, creepers, I'm cooked. Serves you right, Kenny. Say, Andy, I don't suppose I ought to tell you this, but Kenny happens to have your girl's phone number. Let it ring, Buck. I'll answer it. You're pretty sharp. Well, now that you're here, Andy, I hope you can stick around because tonight we're doing a play about the Kentucky Derby. And I think we can find a spot in it for you. What do you say? OK, Buck, I hope I'm a jockey. We'll see, Andy. And now, folks, Kenny Baker, our young tenor will sing. What are you going to sing, Kenny? Penny Serenade. It's a request. Oh, who requested it? Andy's girl, so I'm just going to sing it mediocre. Now, Kenny, you mustn't let your personal feelings influence your song. Remember, you're a trooper. You're right, Jack. I'll sing like I've never sung before. The show must go on. What a clock. You said it. Sing, Pagliacci. Hear my love song for a penny. C, C, C. Just a penny, Serenade. Once I strayed the window of a lovely lull, I softly played my penny, Serenade. On the tender dawn of love and sweet serenade. As for me, in my heart I played a lover, Serenade. You can hear it for a penny. Just a penny, Serenade. C, C. Hear my love song for a penny. C, C, C. Just a penny, Serenade. So divine, she was mine. No word had been spoken. When I walked from my dream, she was gone. My poor heart was broken. That wherever she may be, she will be Serenade. By Kenny Baker. And now, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, we will bring you our tribute to the Kentucky Derby by presenting a little play in two scenes and three furlongs entitled, Weather Clear, Track Fast, Fine Play, Bumcast. Now, in this turf drama, we will all play the parts of horses. I mean, we will all play horses. Pardon me. This is silly. I'm not going to be a horse. Kenny, if I can get down on my hands and knees, you can. Only he can get up. I can get up too, so don't be so smart. Well, that's settled. We're all going to be horses. I'd like to see somebody put a saddle on me. Quiet, El Chico. And pin on your tail. I want this to be realistic. Now, before presenting this play, folks, I would like to announce that any resemblance to horses, living dead or under General Sherman, is purely coincidental. The opening scene is the paddock at Churchill Downs, 20 minutes before the Big Rays, where we find El Chico, Johnstown, Technician, Shalladon, Heatherbroom, On Location, and all the other entries, True and the Fat. Curtain, Music. We're horses now, folks. Oh, Shalladon, Shalladon. Yes, Technician. You better lay off those oats. No, you've been putting on a lot of weight. Oh, I'm not so heavy. You're not. You're the only horse in this stable with a double chin, and you know it. Say, Shalladon, look at El Chico over there with that curly mane of his. That's a finger wave if I ever saw one. What are you eating, El Chico? Corn. I thought so. I suppose you think you're going to win today. Why, pal, my tail will be in your face all around that track. Oh, it will, eh? Yeah. Listen, El Chico, if your tail comes anywhere near my mouth, I'll bob it. So watch out. Oh, hello, Heatherbroom. What are you reading? A letter from my brother. He's with Borden's dairy now. Oh. Isn't he pulling that ice wagon anymore? No, he got cold feet. I see. See, I hope I don't wind up on a wilt wagon. I hate those early hours. Well, Heatherbroom, good luck to you today. Hey, Heather, what are you doing after the race tonight? Oh, nothing. Let's go over to the Blue Moon Library Stable. They have a marvelous floor show. They have? Who's playing there? Thinks mules. Oh, they're wonderful. There's a little brunette on the end. Well. How about going there with me tonight, Heather? It's a date. I've got a beautiful new blanket I'm going to wear. It's from Saks Bay Metals. Now, wait a minute, El Chico. Heather has a date with me tonight. And I'm going to pick her up at 8 o'clock. 8 o'clock? You won't be coming into the stretch till 10. I won't, eh? They clocked me this morning, brother. And I heard my trainer say, if I get on the rail at the first turn, I'll jive right in. So there. Hey, fellas, there's Johnston over there. Gee, he's well-headed. Yeah, I think he's smart because he's a favorite. Look at him getting a hoof a cure. Who does he think he is, anyway? Well, here comes on location. Oh, yeah. Hiya, fellas. Hello, Juan. You think you've got a chance today? I will if it's a wet track. You know, I'm a terrific mutter. You should be. You don't know enough to come in out of the rain. Now, Heather. Well, I'm 40 to 1 today, Smarty. Well, that's nothing to brag about. It ain't, huh? I'd be 60 to 1 if people knew I had that banana split. I wouldn't be surprised. Shalladon, I told you to lay off those oats. Well, I'm starved. I know, but passing you on the track now is practically a detour. My goodness. Bzz, bzz, bzz. Darn these flies. Get away from me, old horse fly. I want shalladon. There's meat on him. Scat. Shoot. Well, fellas, we still got a few minutes to kill before the race. What do we do? How about pitching a game of horseshoes? Oh, I don't want to take them off just for that. Say, who's that new white horse in the stall across the way? They just unloaded him this morning. Haven't you heard? That's Abduld, a third, an Arabian horse. Oh, an Arabian, eh? I must get acquainted. Hello, Abduld. Hello, Stranger. My name is Technician. Where are you from? I mean, what's your lineage? Are you alluding to me? Yes, where are you from? I'm out of gefilte, girl, by Bagelboy. Oh, yes, I read about your family and the breeder's digest. You come from very good stock. Well, certainly. You ain't talking to a plug, you know. Well, I appreciate that. By the way, Abduld, why aren't you in the big race today? I should get high blood pressure for a bag of oats. Oh, come on, running the race. No, not me, partner. Oh, come on, don't be so stubborn. I can't help it. I got mule blood in me. Well, you'd never know it. Hey, that's for us, fellas. We better get going. So long, Abduld. Good luck, Technician. Gee, I'm nervous. I'm down, and I can't find my blinkers. Guys, my mane looks beautiful. I bet I get a big hand. El Chico, put down that mirror. You're a fine three-year-old. Look at those bags under your eyes. Oh, come on, tails up, everybody. We're off to the race. Gee, hey, look at that crowd. We're sure packing them in today, huh? Well, folks, here come the horses up to the barrier, ready for the big race. Oh, it's a lovely day here at Churchill Downs. I wish you could see these beautiful banged tails prancing up to the post. Bang tails, I hate that word. They're lining up, folks. There's Johnstown, the favorite. Shalladon, Heatherbroom, El Chico, and On Location. Didn't even mention me. Hey, move over, El Chico. You want the whole track? Quiet, you old gray mare. I'm not a mare. Then take your hoof off your hip. That's where the fly bit me. There's a little trouble down there, folks. Technician is glaring at El Chico. You're darn right I am. And now, Heatherbroom is acting up. Seems to be quite temperamental. What's the matter with you, Heather? Stop fidgeting. Well, my girdle's too tight. That's a saddle. How are you going to run in those high-heeled shoes? Who's your blacksmith, anyway? I'm Miller. Oh. I know him. He used to shoe my mother when she ran at Saratoga. The horses are calming down now. They're all lined up. They're all except one who's facing the wrong way. That's me, folks. Wouldn't you know it? Yes, turn around. On Location is back in line now, and it looks like we're going to have. They broke clean and fast, and Johnstown takes the lead, followed closely by El Chico. TM Dorset is third, then comes Heatherbroom, this county on Location, and Shalladon. Hey, what am I, an orphan? And oh, yes, there's Technician, puffing hard. I am not. Oh, folks, what a race. Johnstown is still in the lead by two lengths. El Chico second, Heatherbroom third, and Technician is doing the best he can with those faux legs. I'd like to kick him right in the face. They're rounding the far turn now, folks. And coming into the stretch, Johnstown is leading by three miles. Don't exaggerate. Shalladon and Heatherbroom are moving up. Looks like they're going to finish in the money. I'm going to finish in the money, too. You wouldn't if you ever spent any. Oh, yeah? Wow, look at Johnstown run. He's still way in the lead. And look, folks, here comes Malicious on the outside. Malicious? He isn't even running. Quiet. They're nearing the finish line, folks. Here they come, they're crossing the wire. Six lengths. Shalladon second by a length and a half. Location last by courtesy of Mervyn Leroy. Gee, I'm all in. And here's the winner, Johnstown, coming up to the microphone. Say something, Johnstown. Put the oats on, Mal. El Chico. Here's a dessert that's as gay and cheerful to look at as this year's new hats. It's very inexpensive, and it's quick and easy to make. Picture to yourself a gay yellow dessert bowl piled high with smooth, rich, jello chocolate pudding, decorated with fluffs of whipped cream and topped with bright red maraschino cherries. Yes, ma'am, it is a picture. And just as good to eat as it looks. For jello chocolate pudding brings you that old-fashioned homemade goodness. It has a perfect texture, a rich, tempting color, and it's as easy as can be to make. All three new jello puddings are simple to prepare. The directions are in every package, and they cook in next to no time. And all three taste grand. Jello butterscotch pudding, rich with true butterscotch flavor. Jello vanilla pudding, delicate and creamy and tempting. Buy three packages at a time. Ask your grocer tomorrow for jello chocolate, butterscotch, and vanilla pudding, the real homemade kind. This is the last number of the 30-second program in the new Jello series. And we will be with you again next Sunday night at the same time when we will present our version of Pandro S. Berman's great RKO production, Gungadine. Don't miss it, folks. India, elephants, camels, soldiers, drums, bugles, and I will be Gungadine. You got nice legs for it. Quiet. Good night, folks. Eat, count, count, all. Kenny Baker appears on the Jello program to courtesy of Bermeloy Productions. The selections sing my heart is from Love Affair. This is the national broadcasting company.