 Hi, lovers! Now today I'm a little under the weather, but it is always a good time for some tea, especially when you're sick and double especially when Jay-Z drops 444 and serves up an entire pot, a whole tea shop worth a tea in one single album. And it was very interesting to say the least because lemonade when that dropped, we were all really not quite sure whether it was a biographical story or it was a metaphor for something else. But Jay-Z basically confirmed that like none of no, I definitely fucked up and I almost lost my marriage as a result of that. So the whole internet has been going crazy asking the question, why did she stay with him? Should she have stayed with him? Obviously, you know, he has put in his penance and so maybe we're now more on Jay-Z's side. But nonetheless, the question of when should verse you should not stay with a cheating spouse has definitely come to the forefront and I want to join that conversation and offer some advice towards that. And we're going to discuss this in three different stages. Number one, we're going to identify intent of the cheater. Number two, we're going to give options and never ultimatums. And finally, let's assess compatibility of the entire relationship before we come to that decision of pack our bags or pack a to go vacation for two while you guys try to like recover whatever it is that you lost through this very tragic experience. Now first and foremost, let's define what cheating is because that word gets thrown around a lot, but it means a lot of different things to different people. Cheating is when two people come together and create the rules of engagement and they say, this is a no no for me. This is a yes for me. That's cool with me. That's not cool with me. So cheating is actually really different depending on each individual relationship. For example, Beyonce and Jay-Z having a night out and being with a stripper may not be cheating, but having that stripper post photos on social media may be the thing that crosses the line. We don't really know the particulars, but there are speculation that Jay-Z had a long-term relationship. Beyonce even potentially has had relationships inside of their marriage, but ultimately the partnership, the power couple always remains on the pedestal. First and foremost, let us identify the intent of the cheater. Let's not focus on how sorry they should be or get those ego driven sentences out like I shouldn't have done it. They're not as good as you. You're incredible. All that stuff. We're not interested in what we really want to know is why did you do it? Not why didn't you tell me? Not why didn't you talk to me first? Just specifically on the act itself, did you do it because you get lost in the moment and then you forget about your responsibilities when you are in the throes of lust? Did you do it because you wanted to get back at me or somebody else? Did you do it because our relationship is failing and that was your only outlet? Did we have multiple conversations about our failing relationship and this was your last resort or was this the first thing that you went to? Identifying intent is so important to deciding whether or not this can be salvaged or not. My speculation for why Jay-Z cheated on Beyonce would be that he loses himself in the moments and I think that's because he is a part of a very particular culture where that kind of behavior is very normal and cultural adjustments are very hard to break. Ask anybody who's moved from mainland to the big city, ask anybody who has gone from living in an underprivileged neighborhood to going to an Ivy League school, making those major adjustments and losing those things that become normal behavior and a part of survival and a part of acceptance in one community and then going into another community when all those things are the exact opposite is very difficult on any individual and if you need proof of that just go and watch the Tupac movie because it is extremely identifying of how hard it is for somebody no matter what their economic status is to lose those early cultural influences and so Jay-Z is somebody who has been a part of the hip hop, fast living, fast loving, money, cars, respect, hose, culture for a very long time and so for him with all of his friends are behaving in that culture still it's difficult to break free of that and as somebody who lives in Hollywood there are a lot a lot of married celebrities that I have heard firsthand accounts of them not being that faithful. I want to point out that identifying intent is not giving an excuse or enabling somebody again it is just getting to the core reason of why someone did something so that you can learn how to move forward accordingly which brings us to step number two which is offering the cheater options and never ultimatums. Nobody likes ultimatums and they don't allow someone to grow and doesn't put them on a path of a healthy growth spur. Now doing something because someone told you you can't do it is very different from doing something because you personally believe that it's the best option for yourself and so you want to ask that person okay you know you are a cheater because of the fact that you lose yourself when you're in certain environments what are some options for you can we adjust your friends and your friends circle do we need to go out as partners more often do you need to enter into an open relationship where those kind of activities are permissible on both sides so that I can also have my fun so I'm not feeling betrayed and left out of this and if they choose an option like open relationships that is a no no to you then that again is a really really important step so we're going to talk about next which is assessing compatibility within the relationship and the final stage towards assessing whether you should stay or go when it comes to going through a cheat or a betrayal in a relationship is assessing the overall compatibility of the relationship ultimately am I content with this person is their mutual satisfaction are we bringing out the best in one another it does this partnership work yes or no a very important thing to note here is the addictive properties that love has despite the fact whether you're in a great relationship or awful one you still have the same chemicals that are released in the buy to create that bond that ultimately keeps you together if you have no idea what I'm talking about I strongly suggest you watch my video I hate being single which discusses why we are so drawn and addicted to romantic love even if it doesn't ultimately make us happy so when you look at the relationship you have to separate the fact that like yes you want to be with them and that first moment when you're with that person you feel happy but then looking at it from a long-term perspective do you genuinely get the best out of life by partnering and sharing your life with this individual so that is my final word on the topic if you are like Beyonce or you are Jay-Z in this situation because if we really ask we've probably all been on either side of the coin in some ends there's no judgment coming from this direction but if you are in this position deciding whether to stay or to leave a relationship because the cheater should actually also have the same conversation with themselves I want to recap and say you want to identify those three things first you want to identify intent you want to offer that person a guilt judgment free space to tell their truth in those moment or moments why did they choose that as an option what did they think they would gain from that and once you have that information then you want to offer options not ultimatums you want to ensure that the person is choosing their best case scenario not the lesser of two evils and finally you want to assess compatibility of the entire relationship this is an awesome opportunity to override the addictive state of your brain when you go through a major betrayal you can now get some type of logical thinking back and so use that to your advantage don't just focus on the negative aspect of that one feeling assess the overall picture see it clearly for what it is do you ultimately want to be in that relationship and once you've done those three things then make your decision as you guys can see Jay-Z and Beyonce have chosen each other and chosen to stay together and Jay-Z's album is an ode to the choices that he had to make and the process that that is so if you weren't going through cheating and you have gone through it multiple times before you're feeling very frustrated with yourself just know there are some multi-billionaires who can relate to you in some way and that should bring you just a little bit of comfort because we are all just people trying to love and be loved and there's beauty in that if we focus on that beauty we could try to really get through this really ugly and hard time all right so it is definitely tea time for me i'm getting runnier and stuffier as the moments go on so why not just have a little tea fest in the comment section below i want to hear your opinions on Jay-Z's 444 album and how do you feel about Beyonce choosing to stand by a cheating man