 Well, hello and welcome to understand men now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the four behaviors that scare men off and sabotage your relationship. We're gonna talk about things that sabotage relationships that oftentimes happen at the subconscious level. All right, really quickly, if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new content. And if at any time during this live stream, or you're watching the video, I share something you like, do me a favor, please hit that like button because the more likes that come my way, the more people get to see this in the YouTube universe. All right, we're gonna jump into the topic, the four things that sabotage a relationship and scare men off. Okay, really quickly, for those that are doing it, watching the live stream, we're gonna do Q&A shortly, those listening to the recording, I just want you to know I do the content first and then I go to the Q&A, so that way you can get all the content right away and then we can, and I've got an itchy nose, by the way, then we can go right to the Q&A. All right, so when I was preparing for this, and by the way, I've got to put on my glasses because I wrote notes here and I want to say hi to everybody who's on right now. As I was preparing for this, I started to come up with, I did a Google search on the type of things that scare men off and I came up with, and what came out was the traditional thing. So I wanna lean into this for a second because the most common behaviors that is discussed in the dating realm are the following. These are the following things that in the dating realm get discussed but it's not the real issue that's causing people to run away, get scared or what oftentimes is our unconscious is sabotaging a relationship. So some of the things that come up from the male perspective is something called being irrationally jealous, texting too much, being possessive, talking badly about other women, being a drama queen or pushing for too much commitment too soon, these were some of the top answers that came up in this search, I'm just gonna repeat that, being irrationally jealous, okay? Let's face it, if you've been on this planet for a while and you have a social media account, we're going to have connections with people of the opposite sex. So sometimes just the fear fact that you might have some, a guy might have some female friends or a woman might have male friends. Getting jealous over that is an internal insecurity. It's an internal insecurity that's not a real healthy way to approach relationships. So sometimes being irrationally jealous for when someone hasn't even done anything, can you see how that might scare someone away or sabotage a relationship? Or texting too much, okay? Some men don't like texting, some men do like texting. But you know what, if there's incessant texting, I don't believe that really builds a foundation for a healthy, happy relationship. Okay, a couple of other things, talking badly about other people. That's a sign of someone who's doing comparisons and someone who doesn't take ownership in their own part, being a drama queen. I often say women communicate at an emotional level here and men tend to communicate at an emotional level here. And that space in between, do you know what I call that? I call that drama. What that is is you're expecting the man to be at this level when his capacity at this level and that space in between is often times what's known as drama. And then pushing commitment too soon. That's actually something I do wanna lean into and we're gonna talk about that. But those aren't the four behaviors that scare men away and sabotage relationships. I'm gonna lean into something much deeper and this actually comes from the work of John and Julie Gottman. For those who know me, I talk about this book incessantly. I talk about the book Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. Now, not that it's discussed in this book, but one of the things in the Gottman Institute. So I want you to look up Gottman Institute, G-O-T-T-M-A-N, G-O-T-T-M-A-N. Google search Gottman Institute. Because one of the foundational pieces that the, so what the Gottmans did is they reversed engineered relationships based on what causes most divorces. Okay, let me repeat that. They reversed engineered relationships that cause most divorces. And they say the following four things are the hugest contributor to relationship demise. These four things tend to be the contributing factor to relationship demise. So let's go through these because these are the four behaviors that scare men and or women away and these same things sabotage relationships. Is this sinking in? Is this, please let me know. By the way, thank you. I know many of you said you like my red shirt. Thank you for those who bought my book. What the heck is self love? Anyway, I see comments there, so I want to thank you. By the way, I hope that the video and audio is good. Please let me know that the video and audio is good. All right, so number one, this is one of the number one things that sabotage a relationship is criticism. And I want to read you what said here. The important thing is to learn the difference between criticism and a complaint between expressing a complaint and criticism. So let me give you an example because this is one of the contributing factors to the ending of a relationship. A complaint might sound something like this. I was scared when you were running late and you didn't call me. I thought we'd agree that we would do that for each other, okay? That's a complaint, okay? That's a complaint, let me repeat that. I was scared when you were running late and you didn't call me. I thought we'd agreed we'd do that for each other, okay? So that's expressing an issue with your partner, okay? Now oftentimes people don't express issues. What they do is they express criticism. So let me give you an example of what criticism sounds like. You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don't believe that you're that forgetful. You're just selfish. You never think of others. You never think of me, okay? So can you see the difference? One is expressing your frustration and upset and the other is blaming the other person for their actions. When we blame another human being for their actions we're literally giving our power away because let me look at this. Blame is like this right here. That's blame. But do you see how three fingers are pointing back at me? You're pointing the finger at someone but there's three pointing back at you when you blame someone for their behavior, okay? So the difference between complaint and criticism, one of the sabotagers is criticism. Number two is contempt, contempt, okay? Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your partner's character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority. Let me repeat that. It assumes a position of moral superiority. So let me give you an example of that, okay? You're tired, cry me a river. I've been with the kids all day running around like mad just to keep this house going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on the sofa like a child and play those idiotic video games. I don't have time to deal with another kid. Could you be more pathetic? That's an example of contempt. Contempt is that part of us that's righteous, okay? And this happens a lot in conflict in relationship when there's friction, when there's a disagreement. Oftentimes we go into our superiority. In other words, we're right and you're wrong. And this is a fundamental killer relationship, okay? Is contempt. Number three is defensiveness. And let me read you what's written here, okay? Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don't take their concerns seriously and that we won't take responsibility for our mistakes. So defensiveness is a very common thing. Whenever we feel like we're attacked, it's natural to get defensive, okay? Now defensiveness is a very natural behavior but for a healthy relationship, we have to look beyond the normal defaults of our behavior and lean into something healthier. This is one of the reasons why I highly recommend reading the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. By the way, is this sinking in? Please let me know, post a comment or give me a thumbs up so I know this is sinking in. Because let me give you an example of how defensiveness sounds, okay? And again, I got this off of the John Gottman website. John and Julie, the Gottman website. So an example, you get a question, did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know that we're not coming tonight as you promised this morning? That's the question. Defensive response would be, I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact, you know just how busy my schedule was. Why didn't you just do it, okay? That's a person that doesn't take ownership for their commitment that they agree to make a phone call and they turn it around. This is often also known as gaslighting. The thing is, is gaslighting is a person that doesn't take ownership in any area of their life. Common day-to-day defensiveness, everybody does this. I do it, you do it, we all do it. And anyone who says that they don't do it is full of shit, okay? Because we all can be defensive. If the difference is, is it a consistent pattern in your behavior? Because defensiveness is a turnoff and it's a saboteur to a healthy, happy relationship. Is this sinking in? Please let me know. And last but not least, and then we're gonna take questions, last but not least. By the way, my coffee mug says, swear a little, you'll feel better. For those who know me, I like to give my F-bombs every now and again. I look at, I look at expletives as sentence enhancers. Let me repeat that. I look at this as sentence enhancers, okay? So that's why I curse on occasion. All right, stonewalling. That's the fourth one, stonewalling. And stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction shuts down and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issue with their partner, people who stonewall make a evasive maneuver such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors. If you feel like you're stonewalling during a conflict, stop the discussion and ask your partner to take a break and it might look like this. All right, I'm feeling too angry to keep talking about this. Can we please take a break and come back to it in a bit? It'll be easier to work through after I've calmed down. Okay, now, stonewalling is a very common behavior of men and women alike when they don't wanna deal with problems, okay? By the way, everything I'm saying, men do this, women do this, okay? When we don't feel like dealing with a problem. In fact, I'll be candid with you. There's a picture of my mom and dad. My mom was notorious for not only stonewalling, but she would emotionally disappear when there was a conflict going on inside the house, whether it was my dad, my brother or myself, my sister had already moved out when I was younger. Whenever my mom was upset, she would literally go into her emotional cave for three days. As a child, this was devastating to me because my dad might've done something to upset her, but we all paid the price. She was stonewalling for days and that wasn't very healthy for her marriage and it wasn't healthy for us children. It's a common experience, but a grownup, a grownup says, okay, I might need to take a short break from the problem and revisit it, but an adult leans into the problem and tries to resolve it sooner rather than later. And people who stonewall avoid, get defensive, they act with contempt or criticism, these are behaviors that sabotage a really good relationship. And sadly, it's not those original things I talked about being a drama queen or being, you know, rationally jealous or whatnot. It's these behaviors that sabotage a really good relationship. And while most of you probably don't think you do it, you might be surprised because our subconscious, our ego is insidious on us making ourselves either out to be bad or making ourselves out to be superior. That's what the ego does. It makes us out to be superior or it makes us out to be bad. And oftentimes we don't even recognize when we do these behaviors. Is this sinking in? By the way, this is one of the reasons why I highly recommend reading the book, the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. This is a deep dive into your childhood wounds and traumas that cause most of our negative patterns and limiting beliefs in our lives. And when we heal or at least begin the healing process, we actually are putting ourselves in a better position to be in a healthy, happy relationship. Is this sinking in? Please let me know. Hit that like button. All right, I think it's time for Q&A. So if you do have a question, simply do this. Write the word question in the chat box and then write your question. Buy a super sticker or buy a super chat because that way it gets enhanced and I can see it on my screen much quicker. So it's time for Q&A. So again, post a question and then I'll respond for those that are in the chat. And thank you, Jennifer. I know it's sinking in. Shauna, good to see you. An adult leans in. Here, I'm just read this. She says, an adult leans into a problem. Yes, yes, yes. A1 writes, wows are the infamous red shirt in these glasses too. Yes, yes, yes. Thank you. I like what Olivia says, great book, the self love book. Thank you. I'm very honored that you feel that way. All right, so. All right, if we have a question, post the word question and then write it in the chat box because this is the time for the Q&A, which is the best part of this. You know, it's interesting. Nobody's posting a question. Do we have a bashful group? Come on, this is your chance to get. Okay, here we go. Amy Faye writes, okay. Do you recommend to start dating again while you're getting over a breakup? Do you recommend dating? Okay, so there's a lot of rules of thought or schools of thought on this about when is the time. Some people say it takes for every year in your relationship. Wait, for every, well, I've heard someone say for every month you've been in a relationship, take one week to heal, okay? So if you're in a relationship for a year, then take 12 weeks off. If you're in a relationship for two weeks, take 24 weeks off. Now, that's just an interesting rule of thumb. I'm a believer that it takes a good, okay? If a relationship was less than two years, then take a minimum of three months off and just do a deep dive into your own self-love. That's what I would do if you were in a relationship for less than two years. Take about two to three months just to do deep dive in yourself. If it was a longer period of time or as a marriage, it could take sometimes a good year to heal from that. And it may not be a good time to date because here's the thing. If you're dating to heal and have a good time, is that really fair to the person who genuinely wants to be in a serious relationship with someone, especially since men are expected to be the chivalrous ones and we're expected to pay and all that? Is it really fair to a guy if you're not ready to be in a relationship to engage with someone who might be ready to be in a relationship? And by the way, ladies, I'm gonna turn this around. Tell me how shitty it is when a guy who's not ready to be in a relationship because he hasn't healed is taking up your time, energy, and your body when he has no capacity to actually lean into a relationship. And this is one of the reasons why I highly recommend taking some time for yourself and then dipping your water back into the dating process a little bit slowly until you actually feel like you're in a good, healthy place. Is this sinking in? I hope so, please let me know. All right, I hope I answered your question, Amy. Scorpio Rising, thank you for the super sticker. I really appreciate that. Nicole from Germany says, good video. I'm in quarantine because my hairdresser is positive. That's so sweet. Let's see. Jean says, emotionally unavailable. I don't know who that is, but yes, somebody is emotionally unavailable. Okay, Dancing writes, how do I keep a long distance relationship exciting? Online dating with a man five hours away. How do you keep it exciting? Well, here's the bottom line. It's not about keeping it exciting. It's about how are you gonna bond with one another? And here's the challenge with long distance relationship. It requires most of your connection with this human being to be on this stupid little device. And I say stupid little device because sometimes our devices can get us in trouble. And what that mean is incessant communication. One thing about men, men do not bond over the telephone. Men do not bond over the telephone. We can spend hours talking on the phone, okay? We don't bond that way. Let me tell you why. We bond through experiences and we bond through our memory. Here's the bottom line. You could have five phone calls, well, you could have five phone calls in a week, okay? And five phone calls in the previous week and five phone calls in the previous week. And I promise you, he will not remember one of those phone calls, any details about one of those phone calls. Telephone time in relationship, FaceTime, Zoom, it doesn't create memories. The best way to get a relationship off the ground is create memories with one another. It's how do you do that? Social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, being part of a team together, being part of a team both in your personal life and your professional life with another human being. This is how we bond with someone. So it's not about keeping it exciting is how are you gonna convert the long distance to actually in the same city where you can actually spend more time thinking about planning for that than trying to keep it exciting. That's my suggestion anyway. Because by the way, people who live one mile away don't know how to keep a relationship exciting. Do you know why? It's because most humans are fucking winging it in the dating process. Most men and women alike are fucking clueless. You really don't know how to build the mechanics, you don't know the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. That's why I keep saying, read this book. Eight dates teaches you the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. If you wanna turn things around, read this book together and see if you're actually compatible with one another instead of being hyped up most likely on chemistry. Because I can tell you ladies, I don't know how many women come to me but I love him so much but he doesn't wanna be with you. But I love him so much but he's toxic but I love him so much. Unhealthy love is attachment to a human being that's not right for you. So be more intentional and start inviting men to be intentional because this book ruined it for you ladies. This book, the rules. Stupid reverse psychology crap, stupid reverse psychology crap instead of reading books like this, making love all the time by Barbara DeAngelis. I went to say Dr. Barbara DeAngelis. This is a great book. If you wanna get your relationship spark going, start reading this book. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right, thank you so much for your question. Oh, all right, thank you so much. Leaf writes, what have you noticed since your mom's generation in your opinion is the difference in those of us who are daughters of a generation of an influence? All right, it's interesting. The minute you said your mom's generation, this is my mom's generation, my mom and dad, I think what's vastly different from this generation to today is this one simple word and that's commitment. I think there's a big difference because in this generation, when you made a commitment to one another, you figured out how to make shit work out, okay? Once you were in, there was no getting out, okay? My mom and dad were of a generation that divorce attorneys were prevalent in the world. Well, now, since the 70s, divorce attorneys make up the best majority of the legal profession I'm making as a joke, but it's because two people don't know how to make a commitment to one another and that's what I see different from that generation to our generation. People don't know what commitment looks like. They don't even know, you know, I'm gonna, here, I wanna read you something. I was just Googling this actually earlier. Wedding vows. I wanna read you traditional wedding vows. I, Jonathan, take all of my YouTube fans to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward for better for worse, for richer for poorer, for sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death do us part. That was a commitment. That's what my mom and dad did. Oh, someone says the audio is breaking up. I'm sorry about that. Did it just start happening and the audio and video breaking up? Anyway, please let me know how the audio and the video is working, but that's where I see is our biggest challenge today is a lack of commitment and it's because most people don't know what commitment looks like for them. Actually, those who go through my coaching program, I go through an extensive understanding about commitment because most everybody today is just winging it. They're winging it. They're winging it. They have no fucking clue. I'm hoping that helps. So thanks, Leif. That's a great question. All right, Kelly writes, why do certain people find it easier than others to work through conflict? I feel like people have to want the same kind of connection. Does it come down to compatibility? Well, emotional, okay, so great question, Kelly. And I think emotional maturity, emotional maturity is the crux for conflict resolution, being emotionally mature, being a grownup. And one of the fundamental pieces of a grownup, it's not about being right. It's about being happy. It's not about being right. It's about being happy. So, okay, glad to hear that the audio and video is working. Okay, so, the problem is most haven't learned how to resolve conflicts. By the way, everybody, I'm pulling up the book, eight dates again. Kelly, I'm gonna take down your question, okay. So I wanna get to, everyone to read, hear this. Chapter two, agree to disagree, addressing conflicts, okay. So let's go to page 67, bear with me, 67. So, you see this, agree to disagree, addressing conflicts. I just wanna read you a couple of page, well, actually it's a story that starts off. So, understanding how to resolve conflicts takes practice, it takes practice. So, why I recommend, by the way, ladies, I know a couple of you get offended by the following, but I always say to you, before the penis gets to go inside the vagina, ladies, buy two copies of this book and have, if you're gonna explore a relationship with a guy, if you're gonna explore a relationship, then read this book together. By the way, the guys who are serious, like Doug, who's on here, by the way, Doug, glad to see you, a guy like Doug will be absolutely, I'll read this book with you, what a great idea. The guys who get offended, turn off or dismiss you, dump them, any guy, and by the way, and if he passively says yes, dump them too, because you want a guy who's going to invest in you. Does that make sense? You want a guy who's gonna invest in you. So, choose men right from the beginning, and if they're apprehensive, say, hey, go about your journey, fine, I'll find the guy who wants to invest in me, okay? So, again, that's about the time the penis gets to go inside the vagina. It's a good time to have this conversation. Is this sinking in? And yes, Doug, thank you so much. All right, I hope that answered your question, Kelly, thanks so much. All right, Leif writes, agreed my parents were together over 70 years, wards, transatlantic moves, work, depression, sickness, hard times, and lots of children. So, my mom and dad married 66 years, knew each other 72 years, my mom was 14 when she first met my father, okay? Well, that can't be right, maybe she was 16 because she died at 88. So they knew, no, they knew each other, I think 74 years, excuse me. They went through a transatlantic move because they came from Europe to here, they had depression, my father lost his job, they had sickness and hard times, and yet they work together as a team. This is what's so sorely missing today is people that are in, we're so passive in our dating process because we get to have casual, we get to have casual. You know what? This is why casual relationships are part of the problem. When we start from a level of intentionality, we have a greater level of success. That's what I teach in my private coaching. For those who are interested, check out the link to a discovery call with me. I can't tell you, my business has been blowing up, my clientele has been blowing up, and every week I get a phone call, Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy. And they can tell the difference because they've gone through this bootcamp I've put together. So if you want some support with that, check out the link to a free discovery call in the description. All right, let's see what other questions we have. Victoria writes, how can I determine if I should continue and get more serious with my boyfriend? We have different religious and spiritual beliefs. Okay, so my feeling on this, if a person is devout in their belief, if they are devout in their belief in ideology and a person has a conflicting belief in ideology, it's gonna be very difficult to bond together if you don't share the same values. And religion and spiritual beliefs are a reflection of, oftentimes are a reflection of our values. So when two people aren't compatible, especially if they're completely at the other end, one person carries their Bible with them wherever they go, and the other person's an atheist and doesn't ever wanna hear about religion, that's gonna be a problematic thing because the person who carries their Bible with them wherever they go, goes to church and that's a part of their life. And if that other person can't engage in that part of your life, it can be very problematic. So it's not about how can I determine if I should continue and get more serious. If you guys are having sex together, that's pretty serious. I guess the question is, are you really compatible for long-term buy this book instead and talk about it because, by the way, Victoria, bear with me. Chapter seven, chapter seven, something to believe in growth and spirituality, read that. Growth and spirituality, wait, where is it? Where is it? Chapter seven, you see it? Something to believe in growth and spirituality. So my point is, why don't you invest in that book with them, read it together and then see if it's worth investing any further. I hope that helps giving you a big thumbs up. I just gotta give a shout out to my guy here, Doug. Ladies, here's a single guy, he's a catch, make friend. Dude, I hope you don't mind this. I've never met, by the way, ladies, I've never met Doug, but he's responded on a lot of my videos. He's intelligent, he's articulate. He seems like he's got a suit on so he's got his shit together. Ladies, I'm pipping you out, Doug. I don't know you personally, but I think you'd be a great catch for a lot of the women here. All right, let's see what else. Do we have questions? Kelly says, thank you. I'm glad to hear that helped. Yes, wait, hold on. Yes, I hit 30,000 subscribers yesterday and the goal is to get to 100. Help me get there by hitting like if you will. Thank you so much, A1. Cheryl says, we need some good times together. When can that happen? Saturday, good, awesome. All right, Jennifer, right. I wanna ask the same question as Scorpio product above. How do I tell the difference between a man wanting companionship or wanting a relationship? Okay, so I think there's a big, so I'm pausing because most men operate from the place they start from a place of casual and then they hope something will turn around for them. So they're winging it, okay? A guy like me is very crystal clear. I want a relationship where we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, being part of a team with each other, both in our personal professional life and with the understanding that we're moving towards the idea of exploring a fully committed relationship that leads to marriage. I'm very intentional. I express that, that's my standard. So my invitation for you, Jennifer, is establish what your standard is and say to the guy, this is my standard. Where do you stand with this? Okay? Are you ready for marriage? And if a guy blows that off or dismisses anything you say, that's a good indication that he's not intentional and people who aren't intentional are winging it and they're hoping for magic fairy dust will magically change everything because most of you ladies and most of you men are fucking clueless. You're just hoping for magic fucking fairy dust to change this. You wanna change the dynamic? Become intentional. Become intentional about what you want because you'll be able to differentiate between the wrong guy or girl much quicker when you have an intention. And I don't mean an agenda. I mean an intention on how you're going to approach the process of dating and relationships. And if you wanna read a great book, read this book. If the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated, this is a great book to explore it from a heart centered space of intentionality. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Thank you for your question, Jennifer. I'm just gonna pimp Doug out one more time. I need all the help I can get. Doug, you need no help, you're a great catch. Okay, Victoria says, I've been talking to this guy and he says that he has a lot of issues. X taking him to court custody. He says he shouldn't be dating anymore. Yes, he shouldn't be dating anymore. I agree, I agree with him. He shouldn't be dating anymore. Doug, they wanna know where you live. All right, Jennifer says this is resonating. All right, if you have a question, post the word question and then write the question or buy a super sticker or buy a super chat and then pose your question there. I'm glad to hear this is resonating. You know, I wanna repeat those four things that sabotage a relationship where people are just joining us. Number one is criticism. Criticism, that's a big issue that sabotages relationships. Number two is contempt acting superior to someone else. Number three is defensiveness. Defensiveness and number four is stonewalling. By the way, if you're just joining us now go back to the beginning where I covered those four things. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. All right, unconventional lady writes, I am speaking long distance with a fellow who ended a relationship a couple of years ago but he still writes to his former partner daily. What are your thoughts here, please? Well, I mean, it depends, you know, is he having emotional sex with that previous partner? Is there an emotional connection with this previous partner or is it just someone whose family and his life? I think, you know, my ex-wife and I were not friends but we were texting each other the other day, not because we have children together but there was something that happened in her life that she wanted to share with me. That's a very common thing when we transition to family. I'm more concerned that you're doing a long distance relationship and please go scroll through my videos and watch my videos on long distance relationships because I'm not a big proponent of it unless you approach it very intentional, very intentional and I hope you are. All right, so I hope that helped. A1 says, Doug, Peruzera, oh, sorry, I posted the wrong one. Sherry just gave us a super sticker. Yay, thank you so much. By the way, all the funds I get from the superstickers, by the way, YouTube takes a kind of a cut from it but all the money that goes in is to help me set up my foundation for Connor, those, no, that's picture of my son, Connor, he's the one who passed away. A few years ago, my goal is to set up a foundation for him and that's what I'm using some of the super sticker money to help me with the legal part of setting up a foundation. All right, Kelly says, my adrenaline isn't running in a good way. I'm happy to hear that. Kim says, best of luck, Doug. Mary says, Doug, you live too far, she's in Atlanta. I'm glad to be pimping you out. If you have a question, post the word question and write the question thereafter, it'll make it easier for me to find or you can do a super sticker. Cherry, did you have a question since, okay. Oh, well, let's go, Amy just write a question and I'm gonna get to Joyce's. Do you recommend staying friends with exes? I am a big believer, by the way. If anyone has not read the book, Conscious Uncoupling by Catherine Woodward-Thomas, Conscious Uncoupling by Catherine Woodward-Thomas, I'm actually in this book, okay. If you guys heard of the Gwyneth Paltrow divorce, well, they talked about Conscious Uncoupling, Catherine Woodward-Thomas wrote the book on it and I'm actually in her book. My ex-girlfriend and I, Sherry, when we ended the relationship, we did it very consciously in a very adult way. And since then, we have remained in each other's lives, not as friends, but as family to one another, as family and whatever. She was there when my mother passed away. She was there to help me when my son passed away. Even though we hadn't been broken up for two years, she's been an active participant in my life like she's my big sister, okay. But we transition to family. I don't like saying friends. We either transition to family or we can have a cordial relationship with someone that we used to be in relationship with. I don't believe in spending incessant amount of time talking to a past relationship from an emotional level. Any emotional connection that's a repeated conversations at an emotional level with a former partner can be very taxing and it can, not taxing, that's not the right word. It can be detrimental because it doesn't allow someone to build their own self-love at their own pace. So my invitation is take a break from a previous relationship. Don't talk about emotional things talk about things like, hey, my son just graduated college talk about a little bit of facts but don't get into emotional conversations with ex-lovers. That's my suggestion, Amy. All right. Joyce writes, my boyfriend and I are reading eight dates right now. Any recommendations for another book to read together? Ladies, do you see this? This is a perfect, oh by the way, Joyce, are you guys getting value out? I'm so excited. I'm choking up. I'm so excited. Wow. So yes, I'm glad to hear this. Here's another great book. I talked about this board before, How to Make Love All the Time by Barbara DeAngeles. Definitely check out this book or check out this book, Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukoff. He wrote The Seat of the Soul. I highly recommend this book, Joyce, in your relationship. Or, oh my God, you really wanted, I mean, here's another great book, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. Oh my God, this would be so valuable for everyone. This should be on your nightstand. This should be on everyone's nightstand. You should read this at least one chapter, read, when you buy the book, only read, oh by the way, there's a link to all Jonathan recommends books below. Read one chapter a day for 19 days, let it sink in and then read one chapter a week thereafter. Just pick any chapter after that. This will change your life, I promise. So I hope that helps, Joyce. All right, let's see. A1 says, you need to help your online bed Doug to amp up his YouTube profile. There's nothing there. Yeah, I didn't think this was gonna be, listen, ladies, I'm pimping Doug out. I don't know him. All I know is he's been very kind, compassionate, considerate, articulate, and supportive of my work. So I'm just pimping him out based on that. But he's dressed in a suit in this picture and I think he looks nice. He's a good looking guy. All right, Scorpio writes, if a guy dated a girl and now his best friend, wait, if a guy dated a girl and now she is best friends, does he still hold feelings for her? Not sure I understand the question. Look it, unhealthy love, absolutely. Emotionally unhealthy people will have emotionally unhealthy feelings for a past partner. This is why I highly recommend reading the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. People oftentimes get attached to people and have feelings not from a healthy place, but from an unhealthy place. And I would recommend reading this book, Scorpio, to get a better handle on that question. All right, Amy writes again, what if I still have feelings for him? It's sad to think of him being intimate with someone else. Okay, so, you know what? I'm assuming you love him. Amy, if you genuinely love him, then you want him to be happy. You want him to be happy, okay? And if he's sleeping with someone else and he's happy, then you should be happy for him if you truly love him. But oftentimes we make love about, well, I need him to love me so I can feel good about myself. So I ask you, Amy, are you operating from the life experience is you need him to love you so you can feel good about yourself? Because if that's the way you're operating, then I come back to my book, what the heck is self love anyway? Because when you love yourself, by the way, I talked to you about my ex-girlfriend in the book that's my ex-girlfriend and I. We're friends, we're family to one another. Her boyfriend and I play golf together every few months. I'm active part of their life. I care about her wellbeing and I care about his. In fact, I planned on calling him today because I wanted to pick his brain for a workshop I'm doing. So my invitation for you is if you genuinely love him, be happy for him and love on yourself because it's more important that you love on yourself and you can certainly wish him well but I invite you to love on yourself more because when you do, you won't feel angst over all of this. Is this sinking in, is this resonating? Please let me know. By the way, Doug lives in Georgia, everyone. Leaf writes, I agree with you 100% Jonathan plus it's not fair to a new partner. Yes, it's not fair to a new partner. For those of you who are dating just to get over someone else, it's not fair because you don't want it done to you. Perima writes, I love your advice, very realistic and authentic. Thank you so much. No, writes, how do you deal with your partner's lack of self-confidence? Well, here's the thing. How do you deal with your partner's lack of self-confidence? First off, how you deal with it is through love and compassion. All you can, you can simply have love and compassion for him. That doesn't mean he's a good partner for you because someone who lacks self-confidence, ladies, what's the number one thing you most want from men? Men who are confident. What do men want from women is confidence. People who have self-esteem issues need to work on their healing and the best thing you can do is to be a compassionate human being but it's not your responsibility to heal him and nor is it a responsibility for a guy to heal a girl. That's their work that they have to do on themselves. So my invitation for him is to read this book. How to be an adult in a relationship. Maybe that's what he needs to build his confidence. Okay, so that's my invitation or my suggestion. Amy says, I meant he wants to be friends so we can talk about who we're dating. I am not, Amy, I'm not a big fan of talking to an ex-lover about new lovers. Do not do that, that is a recipe for disaster. Everybody hold on, hold on. I can't find the darn book. Ah, okay, I was looking for a book. All right, I was trying to find a book. It's called Chatting or Cheating. It talks about emotional sex. That's the problem when you engage in relationships like that. Is that you can be gained, you can talk, if you're talking about current dating with a previous lover, that's bad news, okay? That's just my invitation for you. Okay, so poor man says, oh yes, I'm a doctor, have a 23 year old in medical school too but friendships, relationships, clueless. Okay, then hire me if you wanna get relationship plued in, hire me, I can help you with that. All right, Bella writes, a lot of women take responsibility for their mistakes, however, most men take no responsibility, didn't know how they're perfect, no defensiveness, just truths, men hate the truth. Okay, Bella, I understand that's your perspective and there's truth to your perspective. I wanna acknowledge that truth. I just wanna tell you for every woman, for every man who doesn't take personal responsibility for their choices, there is a woman who doesn't take personal responsibility for their choices. It may not seem that way, may not seem that way to you but I can tell you for every man that does it, there's a woman that does it. This is a problem of emotional maturity and the vast majority of the population has weak emotional skills. It's one of the problems in relationship. This is why, which is the book I recommend? Again, I'll come back to how to be an adult in relationship, great book to read for building emotional maturity and that's the problem. It's not a male problem, it's a human problem. Okay, thank you for your question, Bella. All right. Betty writes, Jonathan, I appreciate your work. I checked out the books but unfortunately they're only in English. I wish they were in Greek translated so I could suggest them to friends. Betty, I don't know how to help you with that but I will say this, there probably is some way to either get the translations or there's probably Greek people that have written books that are just as equally valuable. So I don't know who they are but I would just do a little research on your part, okay? All right, Jennifer says, I dated a man years ago who had self-esteem issues. He said, I'm not good enough for you on the first date. I was kind and said, of course you are but he had so many confidence issues. By the way, ladies, any man who says you deserve someone better or anyone who says I have issues, run, forest, run, run. It's, by the way, ladies, a lot of you have been conditioned to do the just lean back into your feminine energy and guys will magically improve upon themselves. That's a crock of shit. Now, what I believe is be empowered, love your, what is that book, what's that? That's my book right there, self-love, love on yourself. And when you love on yourself, it doesn't matter their issues, you will become a magnetic attractor for someone who's aligned to who you are and what you want. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please hit that like button to let me know. Okay, V writes, bear with me, I saw V. Question, how do most men really feel about waiting to be intimate? I like waiting for emotional connection usually end up feeling pressured. Do you have any advice on how to have a conversation about this? Okay, I think by the time you get to the third date, if two people like each other, then this is a good time to establish your standards. Okay, your standards when it comes to sex. And V, I have an acronym for you. The standard is called CARES, C-A-R-E-S. Wait a minute, I'll get a pen and paper to write this down for you. Bear with me. Okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. CARES, let's write this down. C-A-R-E-S. Okay, I'm gonna put that right there. See right there, CARES. The C stands for do not have sex with someone until you feel comfortable, comfortable. Number two, don't have sex with someone unless you're aware of the consequences. And what I mean by consequences is if you attach to someone quickly, then be aware of that. Number the R stands for learn his real intentions. This is the part of getting to know someone. What's their real intentions? The E stands for exclusivity. Do not have regular sex with a man unless you've agreed to monogamy and exclusivity. And the S stands for safety. Both the biological safety and emotional safety. Now, how do you bring up this conversation? You just say, hey, look, I just want you to know before I'm intimate with someone, I like to have established that we're in a fully committed relationship. And I know it takes time to get to know someone. Usually it takes about 100 hours of regular contact with someone to actually get to know them. So I just want you to know this is my standard when it comes to when I decide to be intimate. What's your standard? Invite him to offer what his standard is. If he dismisses you or doesn't call you again, you knew his response. But if he leans into you and he likes you, then he might be a little bit patient. Now, men are biologically driven to have sex as early as we can. But guys who really genuinely like you and who are intentional will take their time. They'll take their time so you don't have to worry about that. Or at least, listen, I know it's the exception, I got the rule, but I'm just gonna say to you, guys who are intentional, like my friend Doug here, I promise you, he'll want to invest in building the relationship and when it's appropriate, you're intimate together. Okay. And he writes, "'My boyfriend is an introvert "'and came from a broken family, "'so conversations are limited. "'We enjoy each other's company. "'Can't change him, right?' "'Well, only he can, you can't change him. "'Only he can choose to grow and change himself.' "'This is why I'm such a big proponent. "'Ladies, Barbara DeAngelis does workshops "'for men and women alike.' "'Why not?' "'I believe every relationship.' "'Listen to what I'm about to say "'and I'm gonna take a drink for my cup.' "'I believe every relationship should invest one, "'weekend every three months "'in a personal development workshop "'to improve your relationship, "'to enhance your relationship. "'I believe one weekend every three months "'should be invested in building your relationship "'by going to some sort of couples workshop. "'Couples that invest in each other "'are the happiest couples together. "'And learning all this shit that I talk about "'in these books like the Five Love Languages.' "'As a matter of fact, Gary Chapman does a workshop. "'Alison Armstrong of the Queens Code, she does a workshop. "'The Gottmans do a workshop.' "'I mean, there's so many opportunities out there. "'I believe couples who invest in each other "'have the greatest chance for success. "'So if you want to improve your chances, "'attend workshops together.' "'You know, it's fascinating to me.' "'I read a meme the other day. "'It said, parents before they have children "'will spend more time thinking about buying "'their child seat for their car "'than they will actually knowing how to parent a child. "'They'll spend more time, the car seat, "'picking out their name, picking out the furniture "'in the room. "'They'll spend more time with that "'than the really important fucking shit "'it takes to raise a child.' "'Well, this is true of relationships. "'People will spend more time building chemistry "'and leaning back and men are chivalrous "'and all this other bullshit instead of learning "'the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship.' "'This is why I recommend these books over and over again "'because ladies, you are in charge "'of your relationship, destiny. "'Don't leave it up to a man, "'you are in charge of your destiny.' "'And that's my invitation for you all.' All right, we're gonna take one last question. Well, I'm gonna take one last question and I'm gonna take Doug's comment. So, Diana writes, oh, I love the name Diana. Question, just wanna be sure I approached this correctly. Have been on a couple of dates with a new man. I came out and asked him, what does a relationship look like for you? I came out and asked him, that's great. So what's your question? What's your question of me, Diane? I'm just glad you did that, okay? So bravo to you. All right, Doug says, from another guy's perspective, I'm really into a woman. There is no consequence of no consequence when to having sex. In fact, waiting makes everything better. There you go, from a guy. V says, thank you, I hope he receives the convo well. Okay, great. Listen, let's see, unconventional says, oh, all right, well, I'm gonna respond to unconventional. Then I'll come back to Diana. Reading eight dates now, thank you for the recommendation. My name may be unconventional, but I'm very intentional and agree with everything you say, committed monogamous relationship only, yes, yes, yes. Diana says, I just wanna be sure I approached it correctly. Bravo, very correctly. All right, I wanna let you know that I have the untethered soul book that I've heard you suggest in a video in front of me, ready to start reading. One chapter a day, Caitlin, one chapter a day, don't read any more than one day. It will just take 19 days to finish the book. And Cheryl says, looking forward to an invitation to spend face time, face to face time. Great, yes, spend face to face time. That's how you build the roots to trust. That's how you build the roots to a healthy, happy relationship is investing face to face time. It takes a minimum of 100 hours just to get to the first layer of feeling safe with another human being. It takes about 100 hours and a minimum just to get to feeling, just that first layer of feeling safe. Is this sinking and is this resonating? Please let me know. Hit that like button. All right, I'll take one more question if there's any questions. Ladies, you must be more in tune with your feminine energy. So, Sonya writes, so I'm a big proponent of not characterizing it as masculine or feminine energy. I'm more of a proponent of engaging in your empowered energy. Let's not make it a label of masculine or feminine or female or male, just be in your empowered energy. That's my invitation for everyone. Sonya, thank you so much. I do agree, every human being should be in their loving, self-love, empowered energy. All right, Monica's question. Where is Monica's question? I don't see a question from Monica. Someone just wrote, wants me to post something about Monica's question. I don't see it. There's, let's keep, I'm scrolling. Oh, here we go. All right, Monica writes, I had a great date on Sunday. He mentioned wanting to see me again this week. We texted twice on Monday, and I haven't heard from him in regards to another date. Does this mean anything? Well, let's not focus on what it means. It just says he hasn't planned anything with you. Now, you could simply say, hey, I know we talked about, you could send a text saying, hey, I know we talked about seeing each other again this week, what did you have in mind? Okay, you could put that out there. Or you could simply say, hey, I know we talked about seeing this other week. I'd like to take you out, would Thursday or Friday be better for you? That's another way of approaching it. Or you can sit and wait, okay? Those are all options. Ultimately, here's the thing. A hundred things could have happened. He could be talking to somebody else. He might have lost interest. Something might have happened. There's a hundred things that could happen. I'm a believer cutting to the chase. So I would simply write him back and say, hey, I know we talked about getting together this week. What day did you have in mind? And then see how he responds, okay? I hope that helps, Monica. That's the way I would approach it. All right, let's see. Let's see if there's any other questions. Can you answer my last question, please? I ruined as many perfectionism. Poor man, long distance when we met. I don't know what your question is. Travel One says, go on dates, get to know the person. If a person isn't interested, they're not interested, move on next. Ladies, I just wanna caution many of you on this one thing many of you do. You expect the man to initiate the dates. Guess what? Men kind of, today's man wants to see women invest equally in the dating process. A guy like Doug, a great quality guy, wants to see a woman invest in the process. Is equal as much as he's gonna invest in the process. So what I'm here to say is, ladies, you can pick up the phone and say, hey, I'd like to take you out. Okay, stop always waiting for a guy. Now, you might be saying, well, Jonathan, that disrupts the masculine, feminine, energy balance and it's gonna, the stars won't be aligned if I ask a guy out. Like that's bullshit. You can invite a guy out. This is about getting to know one another. Women can invest in the process. Men invest in the process. When two people are investing like a two lane street, they have the greatest chance for success. So I'm merely here to say, if you wanna see a guy, ask him out. If he says no, then you know he's not your guy. Okay, but stop waiting always expecting it on the man. Sometimes we men appreciate when you make effort and we actually get more excited because you made the effort. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Okay. Piranha, I don't know what your question is. So I apologize. I don't know what your question is. Hey, you know what? This would be a great time to wrap up right here. Everyone, I wanna thank everyone for allowing me to enter your life for the last hour or so expressing my perspectives on dating, mating and relating. I'm not here to suggest that my advice is an absolute. It's merely a perspective. It's somewhat of generalizations on some parts, but the most important message I'm sending to everyone is to love on yourself, to love on yourself because the most important relationship you have in your life is the relationship with yourself. And like Esther Perel says, the quality of our relationships dictates the quality of our life. So start with an awesome relationship with yourself and allow the, then what's gonna happen is you're gonna become a magnetic attractor for someone who's aligned to who you are and what you want. I wanna thank everyone for joining me tonight. I wanna thank Doug, my man, Cheryl, Scorpio, Parama, Leaf, Jennifer, Stephanie, all of you, Cheryl, Travel1D, Diana, Sonia, everyone thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. I do appreciate you and I wanna wish you much love and success in your love life, both your love for yourself and your love for humanity and love for your romantic partner. And I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do first off, giving myself a big, gigantic, Jonathan Bear hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone or a pet or a teddy bear or a pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch, bye-bye now.