 I think it started with just a feeling, it started with just a feeling of not being completely there, of feeling like we spoke about that pittish feeling in your stomach and just breaking down for no reason and truly just feeling completely lost and not understanding what was happening to me. And I think it was the intervention of my mother who was visiting me at that time and I think I lived with it for a while actually. I was filming a movie at that time and I had no idea what I was going through and I'd go to work every day. I'd literally have to pull myself out of bed and go to work and my mother just happened to visit me completely different context and the day she was leaving I remember breaking down and I was extremely surprised actually today when I think back at how aware she was of what I was going through and the first thing she did was to call a family friend and Anna Chandy who's a counsellor. But today when I think back and of course I was hesitant at that point because I wasn't aware of what I was going through and at the same time for me Anna is someone who's also family friend so I think that's where I sought comfort. But at the same time I don't know if I would have done the same thing if I didn't have sort of that comfort level but it was my mother who really sort of identified the symptoms and immediately called her up and in one phone conversation with Anna she sort of understood what I was going through but at the same time I think it's the way she dealt with me and with the situation at that point. She didn't raise any alarms. She made me feel like it was completely normal and okay and that we will get through this. And then of course you know with her and Dr. Sham Bhatt who you know have worked on me you know so I think initially I was also reluctant to take medication but I think at one point I was just extremely exhausted. I couldn't do it anymore and I think that's when I decided to sort of I said okay you know let me start medication let me accept this help that people are willing to give me and you know today there's a lot more awareness. I don't I don't think I can say that I'm completely over it but it's always a fear at the back of my mind that I might always have a relapse because it's been such a bad experience for me. What was the most I mean I remember you telling me that you felt that pit in your stomach you felt empty you felt directionless yeah that you would lock yourself in your vanity van and sometimes just cry and you did not know why you were crying that sometimes it helped to have people around but sometimes it was the exact opposite you know that sense of being closed in by a crowd when you're feeling isolated within yourself yeah it helped having people I was close to and familiar with it was comforting to have them around because then I could break down if I felt like and if I had questions or thoughts in my head I wouldn't hesitate to ask but at the same time if I was in front of the media or at an event which happened many many times that's when I'd feel a bit suffocated because I didn't want to break down in public and this is before I made up my mind to go public with with what I was dealing with today if that happens to me if I ever go back to that space and I hope I don't I don't think I think twice about exposing the way I feel and I think a large part of one's road to recovery is to accept what you're going through and to not challenge it but to embrace it and to actually allow your body and your mind to go through that experience and know that there is there is a road ahead that will get you out of all of this and it's not an individual I don't think I could have done it on my own I think it's very important to have that support system so while you know people credit me for coming out and speaking out I think it's equally important for caregivers to to acknowledge and for us to acknowledge that it's important for them to be with us on this journey we wake up today we read the papers every single day there's a headline and my heart takes because it's preventable it's absolutely preventable and I think a large part of also the stigma comes from the fact that in schools we talk about physical education we have physical education classes I had physical education in my school but we didn't have anything to talk about mental health not one session not a class not a it's not part of the curriculum so I think if we included that in the curriculum and we introduce just the idea of of the importance of mental health at a school level there will be no stigma because it's the same way as a child you're creating you're you're educating me about so many other things so educate me about the importance of mental health the same way we talk about the importance of physical health if I could share my story and if anyone in the world heard me and identified it what I went through and could come out of it or understand and you know if I could make a difference to at least one life I felt at that point I'd you know all of you know wing public speaking about it would be justified I also felt like the narrative around mental health in India needed to change and I can do that today the very reason why we're sitting here today because I felt like when I hadn't and like I said I was also working at that point I was like why why why can I not tell someone when someone asks me how am I doing like the the film that you just saw before we came in is I think what got to me was when people were asking me how we how are you doing and one day I thought are they really asking me how I'm doing do they actually have the time to listen if I said I'm not feeling okay will they actually give me that moment and understand what I'm going through or is it just superficial when we ask people how are you doing is it just superficial is it just you know formality because that's the way we've been brought up like just ask and yeah I'm fine oh great everything's great is everything really okay and I wasn't okay so I think that's what really got to me because I wasn't okay and it reached a stage where I was like why can't I just tell people that I'm not okay it was just that and you know and that's when I reached out and that's when I felt like I needed to talk about it I felt like because I felt bottled I felt caged I felt like I felt like I needed to fly or swim or just not be boxed and and to feel free and I feel so free today