 VOLUME 1 CHAPTER 6 OF THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF MADAME KION This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org The Autobiography of Madame Kion by Jean Kion Volume 1 Chapter 6 Afterward we came to Paris where my vanity increased. No course was spared to make me appear to advantage. Ήταν προσφασμένη για να δώσει εσάς μου και να δώσει την εξεγραφία μου για να κάνω ένα παράδειγμα αυτής της βαίνης. Θα ήθελα να be a love of everyone and to love none. Πολλές παράδειγμα-απάντητες προσφασμένες were made for me. Αλλά ο Θεός, αυτοκλή να μου δώσει, δεν έφτασε να εξεγραφήσει. Παράδειγμα μου πάντα βήθηκε δύσκολτα, που καταφέρθηκε να δώσει για την αγγεία μου. Αν έγινε αυτήν την αυτοκλή μου, πρέπει να είμαι πολύ εξεγραφημένη και η μου βαίνηση να δημιουργηθούν στις εξέντες. Ήταν ένα άνθρωπο που είχε asked for me in marriage for several years. My father, for family reasons, had always refused him. His manners were opposite to my vanity. A fear lest I should leave my country together with the affluent circumstances of this gentleman induced my father in spite of both his own and my mother's reluctance to promise me to him. This was done without consulting me. They made me sign the marriage articles without letting me know what they were. I was well pleased with the thoughts of marriage, flattering myself with the hope of being thereby set at full liberty and delivered from the ill treatment of my mother, which I drew upon myself. God ordered it far otherwise. The condition which I found myself in afterward frustrated my hopes. Pleasing as marriage was to my thoughts, I was all the time after my being promised and even long after my marriage in extreme confusion which arose from two causes. First, my natural modesty which I did not lose, I had much reserved toward men. The other, my vanity. Though the husband provided was a more advantageous match than I merited, yet I did not think him such. The figure which the others made who had offered to me before was vastly more engaging. The Iran who had placed me in view. Whatever did not flatter my vanity was to me insupportable. Yet, this very vanity was, I think, of some advantage. It hindered me from falling into such things as caused the ruin of families. I would not do anything which in the eye of the world might render me culpable. As I was modest at church and had not been used to go abroad without my mother, as the reputation of our house was great, I passed for virtues. I did not see my spouse-elect at Paris till two or three days before our marriage. I caused masses to be set all the time after my being contracted to know the will of God. I wished to do it in this affair at least. Oh my God, how great was Thy goodness to bear with me at this time and to allow me to pray to Thee with as much boldness as if I had been one of Thy friends, I who had rebelled against Thee as Thy greatest enemy. The joy of our napchels was universal through our village. Amid this general rejoicing, there appeared none sad but myself. I could neither laugh as others did nor even eat, so much was I depressed. I knew not the cause. It was a foretaste which God gave me of what was to befall me. The remembrance of the desire I had of being none came poor in ill. All who came to compliment me the day after could not for bear rallying me. I wept bitterly, I answered, alas. I had desired so much to be a nun. When then am I now married? By what fatality has such a revolution befallen me? No sooner was I at the house of my new spouse than I perceived that it would be for me a house of mourning. I was obliged to change my contact. The manner of living was very different from that in my father's house. My mother-in-law, who had long been a widow, regarded nothing else but the economy. At my father's house, they lived in an humble manner and great elegance. What my husband and mother-in-law called pride and I called politeness was observed there. I was very much surprised at this change and so much the more as my vanity wished to increase rather than to be diminished. At the time of my marriage, I was a little past 15 years of age. My surprised increase greatly when I saw I must lose what I had acquired with so much application. At my father's house, we were obliged to behave in a gentle way and to speak with propriety. All that I said was uploaded. Here they never hurtened to me, but to contradict and find fault. If I spoke well, they said it was to give them a lesson. If any questions were started at my father's, he encouraged me to speak freely. Here, if I spoke my sentiments, they said it was to enter into a dispute. They put me to silence in an abrupt and shameful manner and scolded me from morning till night. I should have some difficulty to give you an account which cannot be done without wounding charity if you have not forbidden me to meet anyone. A request you not look at things on the side of the creature which would make these persons appear worse than they were. My mother-in-law had virtue, my husband had religion and not any vice. It is requisite to look at everything on the side of God. He permitted these things only for my salvation and because she would not have me lost. I had besides so much pride that had I received any other treatment, I should have continued the reign and should not perhaps have turned to God as I was induced to do by the oppression of a multitude of crosses. My mother-in-law conceived such a desire to oppose me in everything that in order to vex me, she made me perform the most humiliating offices. Her disposition was so extraordinary having never cemented in her youth that she could hardly live with anybody. Saying known that vocal prayers, she did not see this fault or seen it and not drawing from the forces of prayer, she could not get the better of it. It was a pity, for she had both sense and merit. I was made the victim of her humors. All her occupation was to thwart me and she inspired the same sentiments in her son. They would make persons my failures take place above me. My mother who had a high sense of honor could not endure that. When she heard it from others, for I told her nothing, she chided me thinking I did it because I did not know how to keep my rank and had no spirit. I dare not tell her how it was, but I was almost ready to die with the agonies of grief and continual vexation. What aggravated all was the remembrance of the persons who had proposed for me, the difference of their dispositions and manners, the love they had for me, with their agreeableness and politeness. All these made my burden intolerable. My mother-in-law abrated me in regard to my family and spoke to me incessantly to the disadvantage of my father and mother. I never went to see them, but I had some bitter speeches to bear on my return. My mother complained that I did not come often enough to see her. She said I did not love her, that I was alienated from my father by being too much attached to my husband. What augmented my crosses was that my mother related to my mother-in-law the pains I had caused her from infancy. They then reproached me, saying I was a chingeling and an evil spirit. My husband obliged me to stay all day long in my mother-in-law's room without any liberty of retiring into my own apartment. She spoke disadvantageously of me to lessen the affection and esteem which some had entertained for me. She bolted me with the closest affronts before the finest company. This did not have the effect she wanted. The more patiently they saw me buried, the highest esteem they had for me. She found the secret of extinguishing by vivacity, the rendering me stupid. Some of my former acquaintances hardly knew me. Those who had not seen me before said, is this the person famed for such abundance of wheat? She can't say two words. She is a fine picture. I was not yet 16 years old. I was so much intimidated that I dare not go out without my mother-in-law. And in her presence I could not speak. I knew not what I said. So much fear had I. To complete my affliction they presented me with a waiting-mate who was everything with them. She kept me inside like a governess. For the most part I bore with patience these evils which I had no way to avoid. But sometimes I let some hasty answer escaped me a course of grievous crosses to me. When I went out the footmen had orders to give an account of everything I did. It was then I began to eat the bread of sorrows and to mingle tears with my drink. At the table they always did something which covered me with confusion. I could not forbear tears. I had no one to confide in who might share my affliction and assist me to bear it. When I would impart some hint of it to my mother I drew upon myself new crosses. I resolved to have no confidence. It was not from any natural cruelty that my husband treated me that. He loved me passionately but he was warm and hasty and my mother-in-law continuously irritated him about me. It was in a condition so deplorable, oh my God, that I began to perceive the need I had of thy assistance. For this situation was perilous for me. I met with none but admirers abroad those that flutter me to my heart. It were to be fearless at such a tender age amid all the strange domestic crosses I had to bear I might be drawn away. But thou, by thy goodness and love gave it quite another turn. By these redouble strokes thou didst draw me to thyself and by thy crosses effected what thy caresses could not effect. Nay, thou made'st use of my natural pride to keep me within the limits of my duty. I knew that a woman of honour ought never to give suspicion to her husband. I was so very circumspect that I often carried to excess so far as to refuse my hand to such as in politeness offered me theirs. There happened to me an adventure which, by carrying my prudence too far, might have ruined me, for things were taken contrary to their intent. My husband was sensible both of my innocence and of the falsehood of the insuniation of my mother in love. Such weight crosses made me return to God. I began to deplore the sins of my youth. Since my marriage I had not committed any voluntarily. Yet I still had some sentiments of vanity remaining which I did not wish. However, my troubles now counterbalance them. Moreover, many of them appear my just dessert according to the little light I then had. I was not illuminated to penetrate the essence of my vanity. I fixed my thoughts only on its appearance. I tried to amend my life by penance and by a general confession the most exact I have ever yet made. I laid aside the reading of romances for which I lately had such a fondness. Though some time before my marriage that had been dumbened by reading the Gospel, I was so much affected therewith and discovered truth therein that put me out of patience with all the other books. Novel appear then to me only full of lies and deceit. I now put away even indifferent books to have none but such as were profitable. I resumed the practice of prayer and endeavored to offend God no more. I felt his love gradually recovering the ascendant in my heart and punishing every other. Yet I had still an intolerable vanity and self-complicency which has been my most grievous and obstinate sin. My crosses redoubled what rendered them more painful. Was that my mother-in-law not content with the bidderest speeches which she uttered against me both in public and private would break out in anger about the smallest trifles and scarcely be pacified for a fortnight. I used a part of my time in bewheeling myself when I could be alone. And my grief became every day more bitter. Sometimes I could not contain myself when the girls, my domestics, who owned me submission, treated me ill. I did what I could to subdue my temper which has cost me not a little. Such stunning blows so impaired the vivacity of my nature that I became like a lamp that is shorn. I prayed to our Lord to assist me and He was my refuge. As my age differed from theirs for my husband was 22 years older than I, I saw well that there was no probability of changing their dispositions which were fortified with years. I found that whatever I said was offensive, not accepting those things which others would have been pleased with. One day waited down with grief and in despair. About six months after I was married being alone I was tempted even to cut out my tongue so I might no longer irritate those who seized every word I utter with rage and resentment. But thou, O God, did stop me short and show me my folly. I prayed continuously and wished even to become dumb. So simple and ignorant was I. Though I have had my share of crosses, I never found any so difficult to support as that of perpetual contriiety without relaxation of doing all one can to please, without succeeding, but still offending by the very means designed to oblige. Being kept with such persons in a most severe confinement from morning till night without ever daring to quit them is most difficult. I have found that great crosses overwhelm and stifle all anger. Such a continual contriiety irritates and stirs up sourness in the heart. It has such strange effect that it requires the utmost efforts of self-restrain not to break out into vexation and rage. My condition in marriage was rather that of a slave than of a free person. I perceived four months after my marriage that my husband was gouty. This mality caused many crosses within and without. He had the gout twice the first year, six weeks each time. He was so much plagued with it that he came no more out of his room nor out of his bed. He was in bed usually for several months. I carefully attended him although so very young. I did not fail to exert myself to the utmost in the performance of my duty. Alas, all this did not gain me friendship. I had not the consolation to know whether what I did was agreeable. I denied myself all the most innocent diversions to continue with my husband. I did whatever I thought would please him. Sometimes he quietly suffered me and then I esteemed myself very happy. At other times I seemed insupportable to him. My particular friend said I was of a fine age indeed to be a nurse of an invalid and that it was a shameful thing that I did not set more value on my talents. I answered, since I have a husband, I ought to share his painful as well as his pleasing circumstances. Βέβαια, my mother, instead of pitting me, reprimanded me sharply for my assituity to my husband. But, oh my God, how different were thy thoughts from theirs. How different that which was without from what passed within. My husband had that foible that when anyone said anything to him against me, he flew into a rage at once. It was the conduct of Providence over me, for he was a man of reason and loved me much. When I was sick he was inconsolable. I believe, had it not been for my mother-in-law and the girl I have spoken of, I should have been very happy with him. Most men have their moods and emotions and it is the duty of a reasonable woman to bear them peaceably without irritating them more by cross-replies. These things thou hast ordered, oh my God, in such a manner by thy goodness that I have seen it was necessary to make me die to my vain and haughty nature. I should not have power to destroy it myself if thou hast not accomplished it by an all-wise economy of thy Providence. I prayed for patience with great earnestness. Nevertheless, some solace of my natural liveliness escaped me and vanquished the resolutions I had taken of being silent. These was doubtless permitted that my self-love might not be nourished by my patience. Even a moment's sleep caused me months of humiliation, reproach and sorrow and proved the occasion of new crosses. End of Chapter 6, Volume 1. Volume 1, Chapter 7 of the autobiography of Madame Keon. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. The autobiography of Madame Keon by Jean Keon. Volume 1, Chapter 7. During the first year I was still vain. I sometimes lied to excuse myself to my husband and mother-in-law. I stood strangely in awe of them. Sometimes I fell into a temper. Their conduct appear so very unreasonable and especially they condensing the most provoking treatment of the girl who served me. As to my mother-in-law, her age and rank render her conduct more tolerable. But thou, oh my God, opened my eyes to see things in a very different light. I found in thee reasons for suffering which I had never found in the creature. I afterward saw clearly and reflected with joy that this conduct, as a reasonable as it seemed and as mortifying as it was, was quite necessary for me. Had I been uploaded here as I was at my father's, I should have grown intolerably proud. I had a fault common to most of our sex. I could not bear a beautiful woman praised without finding fault to lessen the good which was set of her. This fault continued long and was the fruit of gross and malignant pride. Extravagantly extolling anyone proceeds from a like source. Just before the birth of my first child they weren't used to take great care of me. My crosses were somehow mitigated. Indeed, I was so ill that it was enough to excite the compassion of the most indifferent. They had so great a desire of having children to inherit the fortunes that they were continually afraid lest I should anyway hurt myself. Yet, when the time of my delivery drew near, this care and tenderness of me abated. Once, as my mother-in-law had treated me in a very grating manner, I had the malice to feign a colleague to give them some alarm. But as I saw these little artifice gave them too much pain, I told them I was better. No creature could be more heavily latent with sickness than I was. Besides continual heavings, I had so strange distaste except for some fruit that I could not bear the sight of food. I had continual soonings and violent pains. After my delivery, I continued weak a long time. There I was indeed sufficient to exercise patience and I was enabled to offer up my sufferings to our Lord. I took a favor which rendered me so weak that after several weeks I could scarcely bear to be moved or to have my bed made. When I began to recover, an abscess fell upon my breast which was forced to be let open in two places which gave me great pain. Yet all the malities seemed to me only a shadow of troubles in comparison with those I suffer in the family which daily increased. Indeed, life was so very summed to me that some malities which were thought mortal did not frighten me. The event improved my appearance and consequently served to increase my vanity. I was glad to call forth expressions of regard. I went to the public promenades, though but seldom and when in the streets I pulled off my mask out of vanity. I drew off my gloves to show my hands. Could there be greater folly? After falling into these weaknesses I used to weep bitterly at home yet when occasion offer I fell into them again. My husband lost considerably. These cost me strange crosses, not that I care for the losses but I seem to be the butt of all the ill-humors of the family. With what pleasure did I sacrifice temporal blessings? How often I felt willing to have begged my bread if God had so ordered it? But my mother-in-law was inconsolable. She beat me pray to God for these things, to me that was wholly impossible. Oh my dearest Lord, never could I pray to Thee about the world or the things thereof. Nor sally my sacred addresses to Thy majesty with the dirt of the earth. No, I rather wish to renounce it all and everything beside whatsoever for the sake of Thy love and the enjoyment of Thy presence in that kingdom which is not of this world. I wholly sacrificed myself to Thee even earnestly begging Thee rather to reduce our family to bakery than suffering to offend Thee. In my own mind I excused my mother-in-law saying to myself if I had taken the pains to scrape and save I would not be so indifferent at seeing so much lost. I enjoy what cost me nothing and reap what I have not sowed. Yet all these thoughts could not make me sensible to our losses. I even formed agreeable ideas of our going to the hospital. No state appeared to me so poor and miserable which I should not have thought easy in comparison with the continual domestic persecutions I underware. My father who loved me tenderly and whom I honoured beyond expression knew nothing of it. God so permitted that I should have him also displeased with me for some time. My mother was continually telling him that I was an ungrateful creature showing no regard for them but all for my husband's family. Appearances were against me. I did not go to see them as often as I should. They knew not the captivity I was in. What was I obliged to bear in defending them? These complaints of my mother and a trivial affair that fell out lessened a little my father's fond regard for me. But it did not last long. My mother-in-law reproached me saying no afflictions befell them till I came into the house. All misfortunes came with me. On the other hand my mother wanted me to exclaim against my husband which I could never set me to do. We continued to meet with loss after loss. The king, retrenching and considerable share of our revenues besides great sums of money which we lost by La Hotel de Valle I could have no rest or peace in such great afflictions. I had no mortal to console me. Or to advise me. My sister who had educated me had departed this life. She died two months before my marriage. I had no other for a confident. I declare that I find much repugnance in saying so many things of my mother-in-law. I have no doubt that my mother-in-law I have no doubt that my own indiscretion, my capris and the occasional salis of a warm timber drew many of the crosses upon me. Although I had what the word calls patience yet I had neither a relish nor love for the cross. They conjured toward me which appeared so unreasonable that I should not be looked upon with worldly eyes. We should look higher and then we shall see that it was directed by providence for my eternal advantage. I now dressed my hair in the most modest manner, never painted and to subdue the vanity which still had possession of me I rarely look in the glass. My reading was confined to books of devotion such as Thomas Cambys and the works of St. Francis Desales. I read this aloud for the improvement of the servants while the maid was dressing my hair. I suffer myself to be dressed just as she pleased which freed me from a great deal of trouble. It took away the occasions where my vanity used to be exercised. I knew not how things were but they always liked me and thought all well in point of dress. If on some particular days I wanted to appear better it proved worse. The more indifferent I was about dresses the better I appear. How often have I gone to church not so much to worship God as to be seen. Other women jealous of me affirmed that I painted. They told my confessor which chided me for it though I shoot him I was innocent. I often spoke in my own praise and so to raise myself by depreciating others yet these faults gradually deceased for I was very sorry afterward for having committed them. I often examined myself very strictly writing down my faults from week to week and from month to month to see how much I was improved or reformed. Alas this labor though fadicking was of but little service because I trusted in my own efforts. I wished indeed to be reformed but my good desires were weak and languid. At one time my husband's absence was so long and in the meantime my crosses and vexations at home so great that I determined to go to him. My mother-in-law strongly opposed it. This once my father interfering and insisting on it she let go. On my arrival I found he had almost died. Through vexation and fretting he was very much changed. He could not finish his affairs having no liberty in attending to them keeping himself concealed at the Hotel de Launcheville where Madame de Launcheville was extremely kind to me. I came publicly he was in great fear lest I should make him known. In a rage he beat me return home. Love and my locked absence from him surmounting every other reason he soon relented and suffered me to stay with him. He kept me eight days without letting me steer out of his sight. Fearing the effects of such a close confinement on my constitution he desired me to go and take a walk in the garden. There I met Madame de Launcheville who testified great joy on seeing me. I cannot express all the kindness I met with in this house. All the domestics served me with emulation and uploaded me on account of my appearance and exterior deportment. Yet I was much on my guard against too much attention. I never entered into this course with any man when alone. I admitted none into my coach not even my relations unless my husband were in it. There was not any rule of discretion which I did not duly observe to avoid giving suspicion to my husband or subject of calamity to others. Everyone studied there how to contribute, to divert or oblige me. Outwardly everything appeared agreeable. Chakrim had so overcome a ruffled my husband that I had continually something to bear. Sometimes he threatened to throw the supper out of the windows. I said she would then do me an injury as I had a keen appetite. I made him laugh and I laughed with him. Before that melancholy prevailed over all my endeavors and over the love he had for me. God both art me with patience and gave me the grace to return him no answer. The devil who attempted to draw me into some offense was forced to retire in confusion through the signal assistance of that grace. I loved my God and was unwilling to displease him and I was inwardly grieved on account of that vanity which still I found myself unable to eradicate. Inward distresses together with oppressive crosses which I had daily to encounter at length drew me into sickness as I was unwilling to to return home. The disease proved violent and tedious in so much that the physicians disperred of my life. The priest, a pious man seemed fully satisfied with the state of my mind. He said, I should die like a saint. But my sins were too present and too painful to my heart to have such presumption. At midnight, the administered the sacrament to me as they hourly expected my departure. It was a sense of general distress in the family and among all who knew me. There I were known indifferent to my death but myself. I beheld it without fear and was insensible to its approach. It was father otherwise with my husband. He was inconsolable when he saw that I was no hope. I no sooner began to recover than notwithstanding all his love his usual freefulness return. I recover almost miraculously and to me this disorder proved great blessing. Beside the very great patients under violent pains it served to instruct me much in my view of the emptiness of all worldly things. He detached me from myself and gave me new courage to suffer better than I had done. The love of God gathered strength in my heart with a desire to please and be faithful to him in my condition. I reaped several other advantages from it which I need not relate. I had yet six months to drag along with a slow favor. It was thought that it would terminate in death. Thy time of my God had not yet arrived for taking me to thyself. Thy designs over me were widely different from the expectations of those about me. It being thy determination to make me both the object of thy mercy and the victim of thy justice. And of chapter 7 of volume 1. Volume 1, chapter 8 of the autobiography of Madame Keon. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org. The autobiography of Madame Keon by Jean Keon. Volume 1, chapter 8. After long languishing at length I regained my former health about this time my dear mother departed this life in great tranquility of mind. Beside her other good qualities she had been particularly charitable to the poor. This virtue, so acceptable to God he was graciously pleased to commence rewarding even in this life. Though she was by 24 hours sick she was made perfectly easy about everything that was near and dear to her in the world. I now applied myself to my duties never failing to practice that prayer twice a day. I watched over myself to subdue my spirit continually. I went to visit the poor in their houses assisting them in their distresses. I did according to my understanding all the good I knew. Thou, oh my God increased both my love and my patience in proportion to my sufferings. I regret not the temporal advantages with which my mother distinguished my brother above me yet they fell on me about that as about everything else. I also had for some time a severe ache I did not indeed serve thee yet with that fervor which Thou didst give me soon after for I would still have been glad to reconcile thy love with the love of myself and of the creature. Unhappily I always found some who loved me and whom I could not forbear wishing to please. It was not that I loved them but it was for the love that I bore to myself. A lady in exile came to my father's house. He offered her an apartment which she accepted and she stayed a long time. She was one of true piety and inward devotion. She had a great esteem for me because I desired to love God. She remarked that I had the virtues of an active and bustling life but I had not yet attained the simplicity of prayer which she experienced. Sometimes she dropped a word to me on that subject. As my time had not yet come I did not understand her. Her example instructed me more than her words. I observed on her countenance something which marked a great enjoyment of the presence of God. By the exertion of study, reflection and thoughts I tried to attain it but a little purpose. I wanted to have by my own efforts what I could not acquire except by ceasing from all efforts. My father's nephew of whom I have made mention before was returned from Cauchy China to take over some priests from Europe. I was exceedingly glad to see him and remember what good he had done me. The lady mentioned was no less rejoice than I. They understood each other immediately and conversed in a spiritual language. The virtue of this excellent relation charmed me. I admired his continual prayer without being able to comprehend it. I endeavored to meditate and to think on God without intermission to utter prayers and ejaculations. I could not acquire by all my toil what God at length gave me himself and which is experienced only in simplicity. My cousin did all he could to attach me more strongly to God. He conceived great affection for me. The purity he observed in me from the corruptions of the age, the abhorrence of sin at a time of life when others are beginning to relish the pleasures of it. I was not yet 18 gave him a great tenderness for me. I complained to him of my faults ingeniously. These I saw clearly. He cheered me and exhorted me to support myself and to persevere in my good endeavors. He would feign, have introduced me into a more simple manner of prayer but I was not yet ready for it. I believed his prayers were more effectual than his words. No sooner was he gone out of my father's house than thou, or divine love, manifested thy favor. The desire I had to please thee, the tears I shed, the manifold pains I underwent, the labors I sustained and the little fruit I reaped from them moved thee with compassion. This was the state of my soul when thy goodness surpassing all my vileness and infantilities and abounding in proportion to my wretchedness granted me in a moment what all my efforts could never procure. Beholding me rowing with labors toil, the breath of thy divine operations turned in my favor and carried me full sail over this sea of affliction. I had often spoken to my confessor about the great anxiety it gave me to find I could not meditate nor exert my imagination in order to pray. Subjects of prayer which were too extensive were useless to me. Those which were short and pithy sweated me better. At length, God permitted a very religious person of the order of Saint Francis to pass by my father's dwelling. He had intended going another way that was shorter, but the secret power changed his design. He saw that I was something for him to do and imagined that God had called him for the conversion of a man of some distinction in that country. His labors there proved fruitless. It was the conquest of my soul which was designed. As soon as he arrived he came to see my father who rejoiced at his coming. At this time I was about to be delivered of my second son and my father was dangerously ill expected to die. For some time they concealed his sickness from me. An industry person abruptly told me instantly I arose weak as I was and went to see him. A dangerous illness came upon me. My father was recovered but not indirectly enough to give me new marks of his affection. I told him of the strong desire I had to love God and my great sorrow at not being able to do it fully. He thought he could not give me more solid indication of his love than in procuring me an acquaintance with this worthy man. He told me what he knew of him and urged me to go and see him. At first I made a difficulty of doing it being intent on observing the rules of the strictest prudence However, my father's repeated request had with me the weight of a positive command. I thought I could not do that a mess which I only did in obedience to him. I took the king's woman with me. At first he seemed a little confused for he was reserved toward women. Being new will come out of a fine year's solitude being new will come out of a five years solitude he was surprised that I was the first to address him. He spoke not a word for some time. I knew not to what attribute his silence. I did not hesitate to speak to him and to tell him a few words. My difficulty is about prayer. Presently he replied it is madame because you seek without what you have within. Accustom thyself to seek God in your heart and you will there find him. Having said these words he left me. They were to me like the stroke of a dart which penetrated through my heart. I felt a very deep wound a wound so delightful that I desire not to be cured. These words brought into my heart what I had been seeking so many years. Rather they discovered to me what was there and which I had not enjoyed for one of knowing it. O my Lord that was in my heart and demanded only a simple turning of my mind inward to make me perceive thy presence. O infinite goodness how was I running hither and dither to seek thee. My life was a burden to me although my happiness was within myself. I was poor in riches and ready to perish with hunger near a table plentifully spread and a continual feast. O beauty ancient and new why have I known this so late alas I saw thee where thou were not and did not seek thee where thy were. It was for want of understanding these words of thy gospel. The kingdom of God comes not with observation the kingdom of God is within you. This I now experience thou became my king and my heart thy kingdom. Wherein thou distrains supreme and perform all thy sacred will. I told this man that I did not know what she had done to me that my heart quite changed that God was there. He had given me an experience of his presence in my soul not by thought or any application of mind but as a thing really possessed after the sweetest manner I experienced these words in the Candicles song of Solomon thy name was Oynman poor four therefore do the virgins love thee I felt in my soul an action which as a salutary balsam healed in a moment all my wounds I slept not that whole night because thy love oh my God flowed in me like a delicious oil and burned as a fire which was going to devour all that was left of self I was suddenly so altered that I was hardly to be known either by myself or others I found no longer those troublesome folds or reluctances they disappear being consumed in a great fire I now became desirous that the instrument hereof might become my director preferable to any other these good father could not readily resolve to charge himself with my conduct although he saw so surprising change effected by the hand of God several reasons induced him to excuse himself first my person then my youth for I was only 19 years lastly a promise he had made to God from a distrust of himself never to take upon himself the direction of any of our sex unless God by some particular providence should charge him therewith however upon my earnest and repeated request to him to become my director he said he would pray to God and desire that I should do so as he was at prayer it was said to him fear not that charge she is my spouse when I heard it it affected me greatly what set I to myself a frightful monster of iniquity who has done so much to offend my God in abusing his favors and requiting them with ingratitude now to be declared his spouse after this he consented to my request nothing was more easy to me than prayer ours passed away like moments while I could hardly do anything else but pray the ferocity of my love allowed me no intermission it was a prayer of rejoicing and possessing devoid of all busy imaginations and forced reflections it was a prayer of the will and not of the head the taste of God was so great so pure unblended and uninterrupted that it drew and absorbed the power of my soul into a profound recollection without act or discourse I had now no sight but of Jesus Christ alone all else was excluded in order to love with the greater extent without any selfish motives or reasons for loving the will absorbed the two others the memory and understanding into itself and concentrated them in love not but that they still subsisted but the operations were in a manner imperceptible and passive they were no longer stopped or retarded by the multiplicity but collected and united in one so the rising of the sun does not extinguish the stars but overpowers and absorbs them in the luster of this incomparable glory and of chapter 8 of volume 1 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org the autobiography of Madam Keon by Jean Keon volume 1 chapter 9 such was the prayer that was given me at once far above ecstasy, transports or visions all these gifts are less pure and more subject to illusion or deceits from the enemy visions are in the inferior powers of the soul and cannot produce true union the soul must not dwell or rely upon them or be retarded by them they are but favors and gifts the given alone must be our object and aim it is of such that Paul speaks Satan transforms himself into an angel of light 2 Corinthians chapter 11 verse 18 which is generally the case with such as our font of visions and lay a stress on them because they are up to convey a vanity to the soul or at least hinder it from humbly attending to God only ecstasy arise from a sensible relish they may be termed a kind of spiritual sensuality wherein the soul letting itself go too far by reason of the sweetness it finds in them falls imperceptibly into decay the crafty enemy presents such sort of interior elevations and raptures forbades to entrap the soul to fill it with vanity and self-love to fix its esteem and attention on the gifts of God and to hinder it from following Jesus Christ in the way of renunciation and of death to all things and as to distinct interior words they too are subject to illusion the enemy can form and counterfeit them or if they come from a good angel for God Himself never speaks that we may mistake and misapprehend them they are spoken in a divine manner but we construe them in a human and carnal manner but they imitate word of God has neither tone nor articulation it is mute, silent and un-adorable it is Jesus Christ Himself the real and essential word who in the center of the soul that is disposed for receiving Him never one moment ceases from His living, fruitful and divine operation or thou word made flesh whose silence is inexpressible eloquence thou canst never be misapprehended or mistaken thou becomes the life of our life and the soul of our soul how infinitely is thy language elevated above all the utterances of human and finite articulation thy adorable power all efficacious in the soul that has received communicates itself through them to others as a divine seed it becomes fruitful to eternal life the revelations of things to come are also very dangerous the devil can counterfeit them as he did formally in the heathen temples where he utter oracles frequently they raise false ideas, vain hopes and frivolous expectations they take up the mind with future events hinder it from dying to self and prevent it following Jesus Christ in His poverty abnegation and death widely different is the revelation of Jesus Christ made to the soul when the eternal word is communicated Galatians chapter 1 verse 16 it make us new creatures created anew in Him this revelation is what the devil cannot counterfeit from hence proceeds the only safe transport of ecstasy which is operated by naked faith alone and dying even to the gifts of God as long as the soul continues resting in gifts it does not fully renounce itself never passing into God the soul loses the real enjoyment of the giver by attachments to the gifts this is truly an unutterable loss lest I should let my mind go after these gifts and steal myself from thy love oh my God that was pleased to fix me in a continual adherence to thyself alone souls that's directed get the shortest way they are to expect great sufferings especially if they are mighty in faith in mortification and deadness to all but God a pure and disinterested love and in deathness of mind for the advancement of their interest alone these are the dispositions thou distin plant in me and even a fervent desire of suffering for thee the cross which I had hitherto born only with resignation was become my delight the special object of my rejoicing and of chapter 9 volume 1 volume 1 chapter 10 of the autobiography of Madame Keon this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org the autobiography of Madame Keon by Jean Keon volume 1 chapter 10 I wrote an account of my wonderful changed in point of happiness to that good father who had been made the instrument of it it filled him both with joy and astonishment oh my God what penances did the love of suffering induce me to undergo I was embellished to deprive myself of the most innocent indulgences all that could gratify my taste was denied and I took everything that could mortify and disgust it my appetite which had been extremely delicate was so far conquered that I could scarcely prefer one thing to another I dressed low some sores and wounds and gave remedies to the sick when I first engaged in this sort of employment it was with the greatest difficulty I was able to bear it as soon as my aversion ceased and I could stand the most offensive things other channels of employment were open to me for I did nothing of myself but left myself to be wholly governed by my suffering when that good father asked me how I loved God I answered far more than the most passionate lover his beloved and that even this comparison was inadequate since the love of the creature never can attain to this either in strength or in depth this love of God occupied my heart so constantly and so strongly that I could think of nothing else indeed I judged nothing else worthy of my thoughts the good father mentioned was an excellent preacher he was desired to preach in the parish to which I belonged when I came I was so strongly absorbed in God that I could neither open my eyes nor hear anything he said I found that thy word, oh my God, made its own impression on my heart and there had its effect without the mediation of words or any attention to them and I have found it so ever since but after a different manner according to the different degrees and states I have passed through so deeply was I settled in the inward spirit of prayer that I could scarce anymore pronounce the vocal prayers the immersion in God absorb all things therein although I tenderly loved certain saints as Saint Peter, Saint Paul, Saint Mary Magdalene, Saint Teresa yet I could not form to myself images of them nor invoke any of them out of God a few weeks after I had received the interior wound of the heart which had become my change the feast of the pleasant virgin was held in the convent in which was that good father, my director I went in the morning to get the indulgences and was much surprised when I came there and found that I could not attempt it though I stayed above five hours in the church I was penetrated with so lively a dart of pure love that I could not resolve to a breach by indulgences the pain due to my sins oh my God, I cried I am willing to suffer for thee I find no other pleasure but in suffering for thee indulgences may be good for those who know not the value of sufferings who choose not that thy divine justice should be satisfied who having mercenary souls are not so much afraid of displeasing thee as of the pains annexed to sin yet fearing I might be mistaken and commit a fault in not getting the indulgences for I had never heard of anyone being in such a way before I returned again to try to get them but in vain not knowing what to do I resigned myself to our lord when I returned home I wrote to the good father that he had made what I had written a part of his sermon reciting it, verbating as I had written it I now quit at all company bade for a well forever to all place and diversions dancing, unprofitable walks and parties of pleasure for two years I had left off dressing my hair it became me and my husband approved it my only pleasure now was to steal some moments to be alone with thee or thou who art my only love all other pleasure was a pain to me I lost not thy presence which was given me by a continual infusion not as I had imagined by the efforts of the head or by force of thought in meditating on God but in the will where I tasted with unutterable sweetness the enjoyment of the beloved object in a happy experience I knew that the soul was created to enjoy its God the union of the will subjects the soul to God conforms me to all his pleasure causes self-will gradually to die lastly in drawing with it the other powers by means of the charity with which it is filled it causes them gradually to be reunited in the center and lost there as to their own nature and operations this loss is called the annihilation of the powers although in themselves they still subside yet they seem annihilated to us in proportion as charity fills and inflames it becomes so strong as by decrease to surmount all the activities of the will of man subjecting it to that of God when the soul is docile and leaves itself to be purified and empty of all that which it has of its own opposite to the will of God it finds itself by little and little detached from every emotion of its own and placed in a holy indifference wishing nothing but what God does and wills this never can be effected by the activity of our own will even though it were employed in continual acts of resignation these, though very virtuous are so far one's own actions and cause the will to subside in a multiplicity in a kind of separate distinction on dissimilitude from God when the will of the creature indirely submits to that of the Creator suffering freely and voluntarily and yielding only a concurrence to the divine will which is its absolute submission suffering in self to be totally surmounted and destroyed by the operations of love these absorbs the will into self consumates in that of God and purifies it from all narrowness dissimilitude and selfishness the case is the same with the other two powers by means of charity the two other theological virtues faith and hope are introduced faith so strongly seizes on the understanding as to make it decline all reasonings and all particular illuminations and illustrations however sublime these sufficiently demonstrates how far visions, revelations and ecstasy differ from these and hinder the soul from being lost in God although by them it appears lost in Him for some transient moments yet it is not a true loss since the soul which is indirely lost in God no more finds itself again faith then makes the soul lose every distinct light in order to place it in its own pure light the memory too finds all its little activities surmounted by decrease and absorbed in hope finally the powers are all concentrated and lost in pure love it engulfs them into itself by means of their suffering the will the will is the suffering of the powers and charities the queen of the virtues and unites them all in herself this reunion that's made is called the central union or unity by means of the will and love being united in the center of the soul in God who is our ultimate end according to Saint John he who twelfth in love, twelfth in God for God is love this union of my will to thine oh my God and this ineffable presence was so sweet and powerful that I was compelled to yield to its delightful power power which was strict and severe to my minutest faults and of volume 1, chapter 10 the autobiography of Madame Keon by Jean Keon this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org the autobiography of Madame Keon by Jean Keon volume 1, chapter 11 my senses as I have described were continually mortified and under perpetual restraint to conquer them totally it is necessary to deny them the smallest relaxation until the victory is completed we see those who content themselves practicing great outward austerities yet by indulging their senses in what is called innocent and necessary they remain forever unsubdued austerities however severe will not conquer the senses to destroy their power the most effectual means is in general to deny them firmly what will please and to persevere in these until they are reduced to be without desire or repartence if we attempt during the warfare to grant them any relaxation we act like those who under pretext of strengthening a man who was condemned to be starved to death should give him from time to time a little nourishment it indeed would prolong his torments and postpone his death it is just the same with the death of the senses the powers, the understanding and self-will if we do not eradicate every remains of self-substicing in these we support them in a dying life to the end this state and its termination are clearly set forth by Paul his pics of bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus Christ 2 Corinthians 4 verse 10 but lest we should rest here he fully distinguished this from the state of being dead and having our life hit with Christ in God it is only by total death to self we can be lost in God he who is that's dead has not further need of mortification the very end of mortification is accomplished in him and all is become new it is an unhappy error in those good souls who have arrived at a conquest of the bodily senses through this unremitted and continual mortification that they should still continue attached to the exercise of it they should rather stop their attention there too and remain in indifference accepting with equality the good as the bad the sweet as the bitter and bend the whole attention to a labor of greater importance namely the mortification of the mind and self-will they should begin by dropping all the activity of self which can never be done without the most profound prayer no more than the death of the senses can be perfected without profound recollection joined to mortification indeed recollection is the chief means whereby we belong to a conquest of the senses it detaches and separates us from them and sweetly subs the very codes from whence they derive their influence over us the more though this augment my love and my patience or my lord the less respite hath I from the most oppressive crosses but love render them easy to bear or ye poor souls who exhaust yourselves with needless vexation if you would basic God in your hearts there will be a spitty end to all your troubles the increase of crosses would proportionately increase your delight love at the beginning a thirst for mortification embelled me to seek and invent various kinds it is surprising that as soon as the bitterness of any new mode of mortification was exhausted another kind was pointed to me and I was inwardly led to pursue it divine love so enlightened my heart and so scrutinized into its secret springs that the smallest defects became exposed if I was about to speak something wrong was instantly pointed to me and I was compelled to silence if I kept silence faults were presently discovered in every action there was something defective in my mortifications my penances my arms giving my retirement I was faulty when I walked I observed there was something wrong if I spoke anyway in my own favor I saw pride if I said within myself alas I will speak no more there was self if I was cheerful and open I was condemned pure love always found matter for reprove in me and was jealous that nothing should escape unnoticed it was not that I was particularly attentive over myself for it was even with constraint that I could look at all at myself my attention toward God by an attachment of my will to His was without intermission I waited continually upon Him and He watched incessantly over me and He so led me by His providence that I forgot all things I knew not how to communicate what I felt to anyone I was so lost to myself that I could scarcely go about self-examination when I attempted all ideas of myself immediately disappeared I found myself occupied with my one object without distinction of ideas I was absorbed in peace inexpressible I saw by the eye of faith that it was God that that's holy possessed me but I did not reason at all about it it must not however be supposed that divine love suffered my faults to go unpunished oh Lord with what rigor does thou punish the most faithful the most loving and beloved of thy children I mean not externally for this will be inadequate to the smallest fault in a soul that God is about to purify radically the punishments it can inflict on itself are other gratifications and refreshments than otherwise indeed the manner in which He corrects His chosen must be felt or it is impossible to conceive how dreadful it is in my attempt to explain it I shall be unintelligible except to experience souls it is an internal burning a secret fire sent from God to perch away the fault giving extreme pain until this purification is complete it is like a dislocated joint which is in incessant torment until the bone is replaced this pain is so severe that the soul would do anything to satisfy God for the fault would rather be torn in pieces than endure the torment sometimes the soul flies to others and opens her state that she may find consolation thereby she frustrates God's designs for her it is of the utmost consequence to know what used to make of the distress the whole of one's spiritual advancement depends on it we should at this seasons of internal anguish obscurity and mourning cooperate with God and you this consuming torture in its utmost extent while it continues without attempting to lessen and grease it bury it passively nor seek to satisfy God by anything we can do of ourselves to continue passive at such a time is extremely difficult and requires great firmness and courage I knew some who never advanced father in the spiritual process because they grew impatient they had no means of consolation and volume 1 chapter 11