 Well, another year has come and gone. This is the end of 2023. And what a, what a year, what a year. It really was a big year. Happy new year, by the way. Um, there was so much that happened this year that I like kind of forgot about, if I'm honest, if you're relatively new to the channel. Uh, usually I do like a year and just like sit down, like vlog kind of thing like this, uh, and currently I didn't even address this. Uh, I'm in the house that I grew up in. This is where I used to make, uh, all of my videos back when I still lived here in Maine at home. Uh, now it has been converted into a guest bedroom, if you will. But this door still has, uh, all the foam and stuff on it. My dad and I built this wall for my 17th birthday, I think, to make a little room down here in the basement where I can make videos. Um, and so there was a bunch of foam on all of the walls and then the ceiling is like insulated and stuff. Uh, and that was his, his gift to me for my 17th birthday. It was like building out this room so I could have like a little recording studio. But it's very different now. Uh, it's a, it's a whole different room. Um, and I'm a whole different person, I feel like. But yeah, I just kind of wanted to talk about this year and I wanted to talk about, um, this next year coming up. There was a lot that happened this year. I feel like a lot of this year, um, was kind of like a weird fog for me, uh, because, and not necessarily in a bad way, but Creator Clash was this year, which I think was my biggest achievement of this year was, was training for fighting in and then eventually winning my fight in Creator Clash. Um, I trained for about nine months, uh, for Creator Clash. Um, and it was some of the hardest training I've ever had to do. Um, and learning the sport of boxing while like obviously I'm still like extremely amateur at it, um, gaining the skill and like doing the training. Um, was really, really, really amazing. Um, and it's something that I'm super, super glad that I did. Um, will I do Creator Clash ever again? I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. Who knows? Um, but Creator Clash definitely took up a very large portion of my year, even though the fight was only in April. Um, it was still like half of the year and a bit of, of last year as well. Um, because I was training six days a week. Um, at least once a day, uh, sometimes twice a day. Um, and then I have to like account rest in there as well, because I was just training so much and I would get home and I would be like, God, I just, I have to like sleep. Like I'm so tired. Um, but Creator Clash, Creator Clash doesn't even feel like this year, which is wild that that happened in 2023. Um, it feels like forever ago. Um, and then after Creator Clash, the documentary came out. Uh, and a lot of the documentary was worked on, most of the documentary was worked on this year and that came out. Um, and we did a little LA premiere. Um, and yeah, I, that'll be coming out for real, hopefully sometime soon. I'm not really sure, uh, when, but I'll, I'll keep you guys updated on that. Um, and now I'm just trying to like get back to it. I think for 2024, I don't really have any big projects in the works. Um, and to be honest, I kind of want to keep it that way. Um, um, oh, and Brain League launched this year too. Fuck the Brain League launched. I did a whole rebrand. I, I like kind of forget what's happened this year. Um, well, I feel like I'm missing stuff now. Um, but yeah, this, this next year, I kind of want to keep it a little bit more chill on my end. I feel like I've put my channel on the back burner for like years at this point. Um, and I kind of just want to get back to making videos and streaming and being good at my job again. Um, I'm, I'm very thankful for a lot of the things that I got to do this year. Um, and it was a very, very big year. Um, but with that, like I've, I've, I felt like kind of lost recently. Um, and I feel like I don't really know what I'm doing and I don't really know what I'm headed towards. Um, and I just kind of want to like find myself again in 2024. It sounds very cheesy. Um, but I, I don't know. I had this kind of like realization the other day, um, in therapy, which if you can go to therapy, highly recommend, um, where it's like I've done all this stuff and I've this year in particular, like I've had all these achievements, like, like doing Creator Clash and making a new podcast and doing the rebrand and doing the documentary and blah, blah, blah. Um, but I still like don't feel happy in a way. Um, like I feel like I, for some reason in my mind, I like feel like I didn't do anything this year. Um, and I'm not really sure why. Um, I think a bit of it is just me kind of like me and the world, I guess. I think a lot of people have this now where it's like, okay, one thing gets done and then it's immediately onto the next thing and you don't really get to relish like the things that you've, that you've done. And I definitely do that where I, I finished something and then I'll celebrate for a day and then it's onto the next thing. Um, and so I think that that's kind of contributed a little bit to that feeling of like I did all this on paper. I did all this stuff, but why do I feel like I, I didn't really do anything this year. Um, or why do I like feel this like fog and stuff like that? Um, and yeah, I don't, I don't really know why. I think there was just a lot that happened this year and a lot of change. Um, that happened for me and like a lot of change personally and like on the channel, like trying to do this, this rebrand and sort of now realizing that like not everybody's going to like that and not everybody's going to like the new videos, but trying to do something new for my own sake. Um, and yeah, I don't know, just trying to feel that one out, I guess. Um, but I think that there was so much change. Um, and there was so much happening this year. Um, and I don't, I hope this doesn't sound like I'm like bragging. Like I did so many things this year that it was just so overwhelming, but it was just, I don't know. I, I did so much stuff that I didn't really have time to like stop and be like, oh yeah, I did this cool thing. Um, because it was always like, yep, did that thing. Okay, but I have to do this thing now. Um, and I feel like with all that stuff again, and I know that I'm rambling a lot, um, I feel like with all of that stuff going on, I just kind of neglected the channel. Um, sometimes because I had to, because like with training, it was just like I didn't have energy to make videos. Um, but I really hope that I can get back on track with the channel, um, in the new year and make videos more consistently and stream more consistently and, you know, have less empty promises. I feel like I like say a bunch of stuff that I want to do or whatever, whatever. And I have a hard time following through. Um, and so I'd, I'd like to try and follow through more this year and be like, okay, I want to have this kind of schedule for myself. Like I already have this thing in my mind where it's like, I want to record on these certain days and I want to stream on these certain days and I would like to try and like actually keep that. Um, and I think, I think a lot of it is due to me being in this like weird funk right now, which I know a lot of you guys probably, this probably is coming off weird maybe and like, wait, what? But I've been feeling very weird for a bit, um, and very like kind of lost, um, and not like particularly happy with myself, I guess. Um, and so I just want, I think I want to find a way to make myself happier this year. Um, and whether it's healthy or not, I think the happiest that I've been is when I've been really making stuff that I like and making a lot of it and keeping myself occupied, um, and keeping myself feeling productive in that way, um, day to day. And I don't know, I guess I'll, I'll figure it out, but, um, I just really want to get back on board with the channel this year, um, because I feel like it's been neglected for a long time. Um, and I really appreciate everybody being like so patient and so open to specifically like the rebrand this year, because I know that that's a weird change to go through. Um, and I know that it's not for everyone, which is also why I think a lot of people I've not watched as much because it's different, um, which I understand and I can't fault anybody for not sticking around for somebody who doesn't make stuff that they like, who doesn't make. Yeah, because if you subscribe for gaming and it's like, okay, well, I don't really do a lot of that anymore. Um, which I do want to do more on Twitch. That's kind of like where I want to keep the gaming stuff alive is doing stuff on Twitch. And I want to do some series over on Twitch. And then if you can be there for the streams, great. If you can't, um, everything's just going to be posted to the VOD channel that I have. Um, so that's kind of where I want to keep the gaming stuff alive, because it's, it's really fun for me to like not only streaming and gaming with friends and stuff like that is a blast, but playing a game and actually having you guys to interact with live is really, really, really fun for me. It's a lot more fun than just recording it and having nobody there. Um, so yeah, I don't, I don't really know what this video is. I hope that this doesn't come across like too sad. But I just kind of wanted to fill you guys in on where I'm at right now. And I'm just in like kind of a weird place and I have to figure out how to get out of that. Um, I just kind of feel like I'm, like I'm floating around right now, um, if that makes sense. I kind of feel like I'm treading water a little bit and I'm just kind of a little lost and that's okay because that happens to everybody I suppose. Um, but we'll see what 2024 brings. I'm, I'm very hopeful. I am very excited. There's a lot of fun videos that I want to do. There's a lot of cool ideas that I have. And yeah, I just want to do more stuff on the channel this year and figure out what makes me happy and what makes me feel fulfilled. And I think that that's kind of a hard thing to find sometimes is what makes you feel fulfilled and productive and like content, I guess. Um, and I guess that's where I've been recently is not feeling a super fulfilled but not feeling super content, just kind of feeling anxious and stressed and thinking like freaking out and being like, oh, people don't like me anymore and whatever and it's kind of dumb, I guess. But, you know, it's something that you think about when you make videos on the internet, especially for a living. It's like, oh man, I feel like people are like mad at me or something or I feel like people don't like me anymore and whether or not that's true sometimes I just get anxious and I've convinced myself that I don't know, that I've blown it or that people don't like me anymore or something, I don't know. And I'm not trying to fish for compliments right now. I don't care and if I'm honest, I don't really read the comments all that much anymore anyway because they make me anxious and so that's kind of, I don't know, a new newish thing where I'm just like I just don't really read the comments because it makes me anxious because I don't want to read something that is bad and then I think about that all the time and blah blah blah. But, yeah, I also want to take a second to just thank everybody that has helped me out this year. You know, from my trainers, my coaches, for Creator Clash to my family and friends and then obviously the people that I work with every day, like Justin and Jocelyn and my manager Parker, I wouldn't be able to do any of the things that I get to do without those people, especially like Justin through Creator Clash just keeping the channel alive because I was like okay I have to record, you know, X, Y, Z thing and then a lot of times he would just post it and do the thumbnail and do everything because I was like, I'm training but a video has to go out today, like can you do this, here's what I want the title to be or whatever. Justin like not only is the fucking powerhouse of editing but I really kept the channel alive a lot for this year and I was super super pumped with how the Christmas video came out because that was all him and Jocelyn. I like kind of pitched the original idea to them and then they just like took that and rolled with it and did such a good job and you know obviously like Jocelyn helps me out so much every day behind the scenes and she's been she's been amazing at like setting videos up, you know, because I've been trying to, I've been wanting to make videos where I know a little bit less so then it's more surprising to me and so most of the time she just kind of like sets up the videos and she's filming most of the videos and I'm just very very grateful to have her and to have Justin and to have Parker my manager and I'm very grateful for the people that I have in my life and I'm very grateful to you guys as well for sticking around and for being here through all the all the bumps and all the curves in the road. Yeah, I don't know, I'm very very thankful that I still am able to do this because I do love doing it and I want to be better at it and I want you guys to know that I'm very very grateful for all of you and I wouldn't be able to do this without you guys, obviously, and I feel like I haven't done a great job of expressing that gratitude and I hope that it I hope that it doesn't come off as me thinking that it's a given that I have this audience or anything like that or that I'm owed anything from you guys or anything like that or that I take you for granted, but I don't think that I've done a great job of expressing that gratitude and so I just want to say genuinely thank you for being here. So yeah, anyway, this video has been a little bit more sad than I envisioned it being, but I just kind of wanted to sit down and talk openly and I don't even think I'm going to edit this honestly because it's just like I don't know why not just let myself talk for a little bit and not alter it and you just see how my brain works, see how I'm feeling. So yeah anyway thank you for being here hope everybody had a wonderful holiday and happy new year everybody here's to 2024