 Item number SCP-5972-J Object Class Fuckin' Keter Jesus Christ Special Containment Procedures SCP-5972-J is to be kept in containment locker 5972-J. Access to these lockers will be barred to all male personnel, even if they're drunk and their buddies bet them they couldn't get in. Description SCP-5972-J is a standard vacuum cleaner produced by the Kirby Company. SCP-5972-J appears to be a sentient predator. Males viewing SCP-5972-J will fill a sudden compulsion to stick their genitalia into the vacuum tube. SCP-5972-J will then activate maximum power and… yeah… fuck. SCP-5972-J is a secondary mimetic effect. Males reading about its effects will feel extremely uncomfortable. This is followed by a contraction of the thigh muscles until the legs fully cover the genitalia and a series of sharp inhalations. Addendum 5972-J Interview Log 5972-J Interview D-5748, a 25-year-old male, interviewer Dr. Valin. Forward. Testing of the secondary effects of SCP-5972-J. Begin Log I'm gonna tell you what this thing does, and we're just going to gauge your reaction, alright? So, it's his vacuum cleaner, right? And when you see it, you'll want to put your dick in it. That's fucked up, man. I know, crazy shit. Anyways, you put your dick in it and it turns on. D-5748 turning visibly white, legs turning inwards. Oh, shit. It then just sucks your dick right off. Nose flared in disgust, leans back and snap fingers. Whoa, shit. It sucks up the nuts, too. Winses and cover his eyes. Oh, god, man. What the fuck? It's fucked up, man. Like, seriously. Shit. I see a lot of crazy shit here, but man, fuck this. I need to get out for some air. I want a drink. I need a fucking six pack. End Log Closing Statement D-5748 was glad to face his month-end termination, stating, at least I didn't stick my dick in that fucked up vacuum.