 Chapter 18 of etiquette. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Leanne Howlett. Etiquette in Society in Business in Politics and at Home by Emily Post. Chapter 18, The debutante. How a young girl is presented to society. Anyone of various entertainments may be given to present a young girl to society. The favorite and most elaborate of these but possible only to parents of considerable wealth and wide social acquaintance is a ball. Much less elaborate but equal in size and second and favorite today is an afternoon tea with dancing. Third and gaining in popularity is a small dance which presents the debutante to the younger set and a few of her mother's intimate friends. Fourth is a small tea without music. Fifth, the mere sending out of the mother's visiting card with the daughter's name engraved below her own announces to the world that the daughter is eligible for invitations. A ball for a debutante. A ball for a debutante differs in nothing from all other balls accepting that the debutante receives standing beside the hostess and furthest from the entrance. Whether that happens to be on the latter's right or left. The guests as they mount the stairs or enter the ballroom and are announced approach the hostess first who as she shakes hands with each turns to the debutante and says, Mrs. Worldly, my daughter. Or Cynthia, I want to present you to Mrs. Worldly. Want to is used on this occasion because may I is too formal for a mother to say to her child. A friend would probably know the daughter in any event the mother's introduction would be. You remember Cynthia, don't you? Each arriving guest always shakes hands with the debutante as well as with the hostess. And if there is a queue of people coming at the same time, there is no need of saying anything beyond how do you do and passing on as quickly as possible. If there are no others entering at the moment, each guest makes a few pleasant remarks. A stranger, for instance, would perhaps comment on how lovely and many the debutante's bouquets are or express a hope that she will enjoy her winter. I will talk for a moment or two about the gaiety of the season or the lack of balls or anything that shows polite interest in the young girl's first glimpse of society. A friend of her mother might perhaps say, you look too lovely, Cynthia dear, and your dress is enchanting. Personal compliments, however, are proper only from a close friend. No acquaintance, unless she is quite old, should ever make personal remarks. An old lady or gentleman might very forgivably say, you don't mind, my dear, if I tell you how sweet I think you look. Or, what a pretty frock you have on. But it is bad taste for a young woman to say to another, what a handsome dress you have on. And worst of all to add, where did you get it? The young girl's particular friends are, of course, apt to tell her that her dress is wonderful or more likely simply divine. It is customary in most cities to send a debutante bouquet at her coming-out party. They may be bouquets, really, or baskets, or other deffricent flowers, and are sent by relatives, friends of the family, her father's business associates, as well as by young men admirers. These bouquets are always banked near, and if possible, around the place the debutante stands to receive. If she has great quantities, they are placed about the room wherever they look most effective. The debutante usually holds one of the bouquets while receiving, but she should remember that her choice of this particular one among the many sent her is somewhat pointed to the giver, so that unless she is willing to acknowledge one particular bouquet is best, it is wiser to carry one sent by her father or brother, especially if either send her one of the tiny 1830 bouquets that have been for a year or two in fashion and are no wait to hold. These bouquets are about as big around as an ordinary saucer, and just as flat on top as a saucer placed upside down. The flowers chosen are rose buds or other compact flowers, masked tightly together, and arranged in a precise pattern. For instance, three or four pink rose buds are put in the center. Around them a row of white violets, around these a single row of the pink roses, surrounded again by violets, and so on for four or five rows. The bouquet is then set in stiff white lace paper manufactured for the purpose. The stems wrapped in white satin ribbon with streamers of white and pink ribbons about a quarter of an inch wide and tied to hang 20 inches or so long. The colors and patterns in which these little bouquets may be made are unlimited. The debutante receives. At a ball where the guests begin coming about half past 10, the debutante must stand beside the hostess and receive until at least 12 o'clock, later if guests still continue to arrive. At all coming out parties, the debutante invites a few of her best girlfriends to receive with her. Whether the party is in the afternoon or evening, these young girls wear evening dresses and come early and stay late. They're being asked to receive is a form of expression merely as they never stand in line and other than wearing pretty clothes and thus adding to the picture, they have no duties whatsoever. At supper. The debutante goes to supper with a partner who has surely spoken for the privilege weeks or even months beforehand. But the rest of her own table is always made up by herself, that is, it includes the young girls who are her most intimate friends and their supper partners. Her table is usually in the center of the dining room, but there is no special decoration to distinguish it except that it is often somewhat larger than the other tables surrounding it. And a footman or waiter is detailed to tell any who may attempt to take it, that it is reserved. After supper, the debutante has no duties and is free to enjoy herself. The afternoon tea with dancing is described in the chapter on teas and needs no further comment since its etiquette is precisely the same as that for a ball. The debutante's bouquets or range is effectively as possible and she receives with her mother or whoever the hostess may be until the queue of arriving guests thins out, after which she need be occupied with nothing but her own good time and that of her friends. Those of smaller means or those who object to hotel rooms ask only younger people and give the tea in their own house. Where there are two rooms on a floor, drawing room in front, dining room back, and a library on the floor above, the guests are received in the drawing room, but whether they dance in the dining room or up in the library depends upon which room is the larger. In either case, the furniture is moved out. If possible, the smallest room should be used to receive in, the largest to dance in, and the tea table should be set in the medium one. How many guests may one ask? A hostess should never try to pack her house beyond the limits of its capacity. This question of how many invitations may safely be sent out is one which each hostess must answer for herself, since beyond a few obvious generalities no one can very well advise her. Taking a hostess of average social position who is bringing out a daughter of average attractiveness and popularity, it would be safe to say that every debutante and younger man asked to a party of any kind where there is dancing will accept, but that not more than from half to one third of the older people asked will put in an appearance. Lavish parties giving way to simple ones. A ball, by the way, is always a general entertainment, meaning that invitations are sent to the entire dinner list, not only actual, but potential of the host and hostess as well as to the younger people who are either themselves friends of the debutante or daughters and sons of the friends and acquaintances of the hostess. A dance differs from a ball in that it is smaller, less elaborate, and its invitations are limited to the contemporaries of the debutante, or at most the youngest married set. Invitations to a tea are even more general and should include a hostess's entire visiting list, irrespective of age or even personal acquaintance. The old-fashioned visiting list of the young hostess included the entire list of her mother, plus that of her mother-in-law, to which was added all the names acquired in her own social life. It can easily be seen that this list became a formidable volume by the time her daughter was old enough to come out, and yet this entire list was supposed to be included in all general invitations. In the present day, however, at least in New York, there is a growing tendency to eliminate these general or impersonal invitations. In smartest society is not even considered necessary that a general entertainment be given to introduce a daughter. In New York last winter, there were scarcely a dozen private balls all told. Many of the most fashionable and richest hostesses gave dances limited to young girls of their daughters' ages and young dancing men. Even at many of the teas with dancing, none but young people were asked. Anyone who likes to sit on the bank and watch the tides of fashion rise and fall cannot fail to notice that big and lavish entertainments are dwindling and small and informal ones increasing. It is equally apparent, contrary to popular opinion, that extravagance of expenditure is growing less and less. It is years since anyone has given such a ball, for instance, as the Venetian fate the gilding is gave to bring out their eldest daughter when the entire first floor of the Fitzcherry was turned into a replica of Venice, canals, gondolas, and all. Or the Persian ball of the Van Stiles, where the whole house was hung as a background for oriental costumes with copper-gold draperies against which stood at intervals max-filled perished cypress trees. Or the moonlight dance of the worldlies, which was not a fancy dress one, but for which the ballroom was turned into a garden scene, lighted by simulated moonlight that would have added to the renown of Belosco. Such entertainments as these seem almost out of key with the attitude of today. For although fancy dress and elaborate parties are occasionally given, they are not usually given for debutantes, nor on the scale of those mentioned above. The debutante's dress. At a ball, the debutante wears her very prettiest ball dress. Old-fashioned sentiment prefers that it be white and of some diaphanous material, such as net or gauze or lace. It ought not to look over-elaborate, even though it is spangled with a silver or crystal or is made of sheer lace. It should suggest something light and airy and gay, and above all, young. For a young girl to whom white is unbecoming, a color is perfectly suitable as long as it is a pale shade. She should not wear strong colors such as red or Yale blue and on no account black. Her mother, of course, wears as handsome a ball dress as possible and all her jewels. At an afternoon tea, the debutante wears an evening dress, a very simple evening dress, but an evening dress all the same. Usually a very pale color and quite untrimmed, such as she might wear at home for dinner. Her mother wears an afternoon dress, not an evening one. Both mother and daughter wear long gloves, and neither they nor the young girls receiving wear hats. To describe the details of clothes is futile. Almost before this page comes from the printer, the trend may quite likely change. But the tendency of the moment is toward greater simplicity and effect at all events. In confidence to a debutante. Let us pretend a worldly old godmother is speaking, and let us suppose that you are a young girl in the evening of your coming out ball. You are excited, of course you are. It is your evening, and you are a sort of little princess. There is music, and there are lights, and there are flowers everywhere. A great ballroom masked with them, tables heaped with bouquets, all for you. You have on an especially beautiful dress. One that was selected from among many others, just because it seemed to you the prettiest. Even your mother and married sister, who, on grantinue, have always seemed to you dazzling figures, have for the moment become, for all their brocades and jewels, merely background, and you alone are the center of the picture. Up the wide staircase come throngs of fashionables, who mean the world. They are coming on purpose to bow to you. You can't help feeling that the glittering dresses, the tiaras, the ropes of pearls and chains of diamonds of the Dowagers, the stiff white shirt fronts and boutonniers, and perfectly fitting coats of the older gentlemen, as well as the best clothes of all the younger people were all put on for you. You shake hands and smile sweetly to a number of older ladies, and shake hands with an equal number of gentlemen, all very politely and properly. Then suddenly, halfway up the stairs, you see Betty and Anne and Fred and Ollie. Of course, your attention is drawn to them. You are vaguely conscious that the butler is shouting some stupid name you never heard of, that you don't care in the least about. Your mother's voice is saying, Mrs. Blank. Impatiently, you give your hand to someone. You have the slightest idea who it is. So far as your interest is concerned, you might as well be brushing away annoying flies. Your smiles are directed to Betty and Anne. As they reach the top of the stairs, you dart forward and enter into an excited conversation, deliberately overlooking a lady and gentleman who, without trying further to attract your attention, pass on. Later in the winter, you will perhaps wonder why you alone among your friends are never asked to great estates. The lady and gentleman of whom you are so rudely unaware happen to be Mr. and Mrs. worldly, and you have entirely forgotten that you are a hostess, and furthermore that you have the whole evening beginning at supper when you can talk to these friends of yours. You can dance with Fred and Ollie and Jimmy all the rest of the evening. You can spend most of your time with them for the rest of your life if you and they choose. But when you are out in public, above all at a party, which is for you, your duty and commonest civility is to overcome your impulses and behave as a grown-up person and a well-bred grown-up person at that. It takes scarcely more than 10 seconds to listen to the name that is said to you, to look directly and attentively at the one to whom the name belongs, to put out your hand firmly as you would take hold of something you like, not something that you feel an aversion to, and with a smile say, how do you do? At your ball your mother says, Mrs. Worldly, my daughter, you look directly at Mrs. Worldly, put out your hand, say how do you do Mrs. Worldly? And she passes on. It takes no longer to be cordial and attentive than to be distraught and casual and rude. Yet the impression made in a few seconds of actual time may easily gain or lose a friend for life. When no other guests are arriving, you can chatter to your own friends as much as you like, but as you turn to greet another stranger, you must show pleasure, not annoyance, and giving him your attention. A happy attitude to cultivate is to think in your own mind that new people are all packages in a grab bag, and that you can never tell what any of them may prove to be until you know what is inside the outer wrappings of casual appearances. To be sure, the old woman of the fairy tale, who turns out to be a fairy in disguise, is not often met within real life, but neither is her approximate counterpart and impossibility. As those who have sent you flowers approach, you must thank them. You must also write later an additional note of thanks to older people. But to your family or your own intimate friends, the verbal thanks, if not too casually made, are sufficient. A few don'ts for debutants. Don't think that because you have a pretty face, you need neither brains nor manners. Don't think that you can be rude to anyone and escape being disliked for it. Whispering is always rude. Whispering and giggling at the same time have no place in good society. Everything that shows lack of courtesy towards others is rude. If you would be thought a person of refinement, don't nudge or pat or finger people. Don't hold hands or walk arm about waist in public. Never put your hand on a man, except in dancing and in taking his arm if he is usher at a wedding or your partner for dinner or supper. Don't allow anyone to paw you. Don't hang on anyone for support and don't stand or walk with your chest held in and your hips forward in imitation of a reverse letter S. Don't walk across a ballroom floor swinging your arms. Don't talk or laugh loud enough to attract attention and on no account force yourself to laugh. Nothing is flatter than laughter that is lacking in mirth. If you only laugh because something is irresistibly funny, the chances are your laugh will be irresistible too. In the same way a smile should be spontaneous because you feel happy and pleasant, nothing has less allure than a mechanical grimace as though you were trying to imitate a toothpaste advertisement. Wear the bells of yesterday. In olden days and until a comparatively short while ago, a young girl's social success was invariably measured by her popularity in a ballroom. It was the girl who had the most partners who least frequently sat against the wall who carried home the greatest quantity of the baubles known as favors, who was that evening's and usually the season's bell. But today, although ballroom popularity is still important as a test by which a young girl's success is measured, it is by no means the beginning and end that it used to be. As repeated several times in this book, the day of the bell is past. Bow belong to the past too. Today is the day of woman's equality with man and if improving her equality, she has come down from a pedestal. Her pedestal was perhaps a theatrical property at best and not to be compared for solid satisfaction with the level ground of the entirely real position she now occupies. A girl's popularity in a ballroom is of importance to be sure, but not greatly more so than the dancing popularity of a youth. There was a time when wallflowers went to balls night after night where they either sat beside a chaperone or spent the evening in the dressing room in tears. Today a young girl who finds she is not a ballroom's success avoids ballrooms and seeks her success other where. She does not sit in a corner and hope against hope that her luck will turn and that Prince Charming will surely some evening discover her. She sizes up the situation exactly as a boy might size up his own chances to make the crew or the football team. Today's specialists in success. The girl of today soon discovers if she does not know it already that to be a ballroom belt it is necessary first of all to dance really well. A girl may be as beautiful as a young Diana or as fascinating as Circe but if she is heavy or steps on her first partner's toes never again will he ask her to dance and the news spreads in an instant. The girl of today therefore knows she must learn to dance well which is difficult since dancers are born not made or she must go to balls for supper only or not go to balls at all unless she plays a really good game of bridge. In which case her chances for popularity at the bridge tables which are at all balls today are quite as good as though she were a young pavlova in the ballroom or perhaps she skates or hunts or plays a wonderful game of tennis or golf each one of which opens a vista leading to popularity and the possibilities for a good time which was after all the mainspring of old fashioned ballroom success and since the day of femininity that is purely ornamental and utterly useless has gone by it is the girl who does things well who finds life full of interests and of friends and of happiness. The old idea also has passed that measures the girl's popular success by the number of trousered figures around her it is quality not quantity that counts and the girl who surrounds herself with indiscriminate and possibly cheap youths does not excite the envy but the derision of beholders to the highest type of young girl today it makes very little difference whether in the inevitable group in which she is perpetually to be found there are more men than girls or the opposite this does not mean that human nature has changed scarcely there always are and doubtless always will be any number of women to whom admiration and flirtation have their nostrils who love to parade a bow just as they love to parade a new dress but the tendencies of the time do not encourage the flirtatious attitude it is not considered a triumph to have many love affairs but rather an evidence of stupidity and bad taste frankness of today a young man playing tennis with a young girl a generation ago would have been forced patiently to toss her gentle balls and keep his boredom to himself or he would have held her chin in his hand and himself stood shivering for hours and three feet of water and tried his best to disguise his opinion as to the hopelessness of her ever learning to swim today he would frankly tell her she had better play tennis for a year or two with a marker or struggle at swimming by herself and any sensible girl would take that advice for what she really is instead of depending upon beauty upon sex appeal the young girl who is the success of today depends chiefly upon her actual character and disposition it is not even so necessary to do something well as to refrain from doing things badly if she is not good at sports or games or dancing then she must find out what she is good at and do that if she is good for nothing but to look in the glass and put rouge on her lips and powder her nose and pat her hair life is going to be a pretty dreary affair in other days beauty was worshiped for itself alone and it has votaries of sorts today but the best type of modern youth does not care for beauty as his father did in fact he doesn't care a bit for it if it has nothing to go with it any more than he cares for butter with no bread to spread it on beauty and wit and heart and other qualifications or attributes is another matter altogether a gift of more value than beauty is charm which in a measure is another word for sympathy or the power to put yourself in the place of others to be interested in whatever interests them so as to be pleasing to them if possible but not to occupy your thoughts and futilely wondering what they think about you would you know the secret of popularity? it is unconsciousness of self altruistic interest and inward kindness outwardly expressed in good manners End of Chapter 18 Recording by Leanne Howlett Chapter 19 of Etiquette This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Clarica Etiquette and Society in Business, in Politics and at Home by Emily Post Chapter 19 The Chaperone and Other Conventions A gloomy word Of course there are chaperones and chaperones but it must be said that the very word has a repellent school teacherish sound One pictures instinctively a humorless tyrant whose correct manner plainly reveals her true purpose which is to take the joy out of life that she can be and often is a perfectly human and sympathetic person whose unselfish desire is merely to smooth the path of one who is the darling of her heart in nothing alters the feeling of gloom that settles upon the spirit of youth at the mention of the very word chaperone Freedom of the chaperone As a matter of fact the only girl who is really free is she whose chaperone is never very far away She need give conventionality very little thought and not bother about her peas and queues at all because her chaperone is always a strong and protective defense but a young girl who is unprotected by a chaperone is in the position precisely of an unarmed traveler walking alone among wolves His only defense is in not attracting their notice To be sure the time has gone by when the presence of an elderly lady is indispensable to every gathering of young people Young girls for whose sole benefit and protection the chaperone exists she does not exist for her own pleasure youthful opinion to the contrary notwithstanding have infinitely greater freedom from her surveillance than had those of other days and the typical chaperone is seldom seen with any but very young girls too young to have married friends otherwise a young married woman a bride perhaps scarcely out of her teens is on all ordinary occasions a perfectly suitable chaperone especially if her husband is present a very young married woman gating about without her husband is not a proper chaperone there are also many occasions when a chaperone is unnecessary it is considered perfectly correct for a young girl to drive a motor car by herself or take a young man with her if her family know and approve of him for any short distance in the country she may play golf, tennis go to the country club or golf club if nearby sit on the beach, go canoeing, ride horseback and take part in the normal sports and occupations of country life young girls always go to private parties of every sort without their own chaperone but the fact that a lady issues an invitation means that either she or another suitable chaperone will be present the best chaperone herself ethically the only chaperone is the young girl's own sense of dignity and pride she who has the right attributes of character needs no chaperone ever if she is wanting indecency and proper pride not even Argus could watch over her but apart from ethics there are the conventions to think of and the conventions of propriety demand that every young woman must be protected by a chaperone because otherwise she will be misjudged the resident chaperone no young girl may live alone even though she has a father unless he devotes his entire time to her she must also have a resident chaperone who protects her reputation until she is married or old enough to protect it herself which is not until she has reached a fairly advanced age of perhaps 30 years or over if she is alone if she lives in her father's house and behaves with such irreproachable circumspection that Mrs. Grundy is given no chance to set tongues wagging it goes without saying that a chaperone is always a lady often one whose social position is better than that of her charge occasionally she is a social sponsor as well as a moral one her position if she is not a relative is very like that of a companion above all a chaperone must have dignity if she is to be of any actual service she must be kind of heart and have intelligent sympathy and tact to have her charge not only care for her but be happy with her is the only possible way such a relationship can endure needless to say a chaperone's own conduct must be irreproachable and her knowledge of the world such as can only be gained by personal experience but she need not be an old lady she can perfectly well be reasonably young and a spinster very often the chaperone keeps a house but she is never called a housekeeper nor she is secretary though she probably draws the checks and audits the bills it is by no means unusual for mothers who are either very gay or otherwise busy and cannot give most of their time to their grown and growing daughters to put them in charge of a resident chaperone often their governess if she is a woman of the world gives up her autocracy of the schoolroom and become social guardian instead the duties of a chaperone it is unnecessary to say that a chaperone has no right to be inquisitive or interfering unless for a very good reason if an objectionable person meaning one who cannot be considered a gentleman is inclined to show the young girl attentions it is of course her duty to cut the acquaintance short at the beginning before the young girl's interest has become aroused for just such a contingency as this it is of vital importance that confidence and sympathy exist between the chaperone and her charge no modern young girl is likely to obey blindly unless she values the opinions of one in whose judgment and affection she has learned to believe when invitations are sent out by a chaperone usually if a young girl is an orphan living with a chaperone a ball or formal party would be given in the name of an aunt or other near relative if her father is alive the invitations go out in his name of course and he receives with her but if it should happen that she has no near family at all or if her chaperone is her social sponsor the chaperone's name can be put on invitations for example Miss Abigail Tithrington Miss Rosalie Gray will be at home on Saturday the 5th of December from 4 until 6 o'clock the Fitz Cherry Rosalie has no very new relatives and Miss Tithrington has brought her up in sending out the invitations for a dinner a young girl would not be giving a formal dinner Rosalie telephones her friends will you dine with me or us next Monday or on the 16th it is not necessary to mention Miss Tithrington because it is taken for granted that she will be present it is also not considered proper for a young girl ever to be alone as a hostess when she invites young girls and men into her house Miss Tithrington either receives them or comes into the room while they are there if the time is afternoon very likely she pours tea and when everyone has been helped she goes into another room she does not stay with them ever but she is never very far away the chaperone or a parent should never go to bed until the last young man has left the house it is an unforgivable breach of decorum to allow a young girl to sit up late at night with a young man or a number of them on returning home from a party she must not invite or allow a man to come in for a while even her fiancée must bid her good night at the door if the hour is late and someone always ought to sit up or get up to let her in no young girl ought to let herself in with a latch key in old fashioned days no lady had a latch key and it is still fitting and proper for a servant to open the door for her a young girl may not even with her fiancée lunch in a road house without a chaperone or go on a journey that can by any possibility last overnight to go out with him in a small sailboat sounds harmless enough but might result in a questionable situation if they are becalmed or if they are left helpless in a sudden fog the main coast, for example is particularly subject to fogs that often shut down without warning and no one going out on the water can tell whether he will be able to get back within a reasonable time or not a man and a girl went out from Bar Harbor and did not get back until next day everyone knew the fog had come in as thick as pea soup and that it was impossible to get home but to the end of time her reputation will suffer for the experience a few precepts of convention at a dinner party given for young people in a private house a somewhat older sister would be a sufficient chaperone or the young hostess's mother after receiving the guests may if she chooses dine with her husband elsewhere than in the dining room the parent's roof being supposedly chaperoneage enough in going to tea in a college man's room or in a bachelor's apartment the proper chaperone should be a lady of fairly mature years to see two or three apparently young people going into a bachelor's quarters would be open to criticism there are many places which are unsuitable for young girls to go whether they are chaperoned or not no well brought up young girl should be allowed to go to a supper at a cabaret until she is married or it's past the age when very young can be applied to her conventions that change with locality in new york for instance no young girl of social standing may without being criticized go alone with a man to the theater absolutely no lady unless middle aged and even then she would be defying convention can go to dinner or supper in a restaurant alone with a gentleman a lady not young who is staying in a very dignified hotel can have a gentleman dine with her but any married woman if her husband does not object may dine alone in her own home with any man she pleases or have a different one come into tea every day in the week without being criticized a very young girl may motor around the country alone with a man with her father's consent or sit with him on the rocks by the sea or on a log in the woods but she must not sit with him in a restaurant all of which is about as upside down as it can very well be in a restaurant they are not only under the surveillance of many eyes but they can scarcely speak without being overheard whereas short distance motoring, driving, riding walking or sitting on the seashore has no element of protection certainly again though she may not lunch with him in a restaurant she is sometimes not always allowed to go to a moving picture matinee with him sitting in the dark in a moving picture theater is allowed and the restaurant is taboo is very mysterious older girls and young married women are beginning to lunch with men they know well in some of the New York restaurants but not in others in many cities it would be scandalous for a young married woman to lunch with a man not her husband but quite all right for a young girl and man to lunch at a country club this last is reasonable because the room is undoubtedly filled with people who know who act as potential chaperones nearly everywhere it is thought proper for them to go to a dancing club for tea if the club is managed by a chaperone as said above interpretation of what is proper shifts according to locality even in Victorian days it was proper in Baltimore for a young girl to go to the theater alone with a man and to have him see her home from a ball was not only permitted but absolutely correct of course everyone has his own portrait of Mrs. Grundy and some idea of the personality she shows him but has anyone ever tried to ferret out that disagreeable old woman's own position to find out where she lives and why she has nothing to do but meddling affairs which do not concern her is she a lady one would imagine she is not one would also imagine that she lives in a solid well repaired square brown stone house with a capola used as a conning and equipped with periscope and telescope and wireless furthermore her house is situated on a bleak hill so that nothing impedes her view and that of her two pets a magpie and a jackal and the business in life of all three of them is to track down and destroy the good name of every woman who comes within range especially if she is young and pretty and unshaperoned the pretty young woman living alone must literally follow Cinderella's habits to be out of the house late at night or sitting up except to study are imprudences she cannot allow herself if she is a widow her conduct must be above criticism but if she is young and pretty and divorced she must literally live the life of a Puritan spinster of Salem the magpie never leaves her window cell and the jackal sits on the doormat and the news of her every going out and coming in of everyone whom she receives when they come how long they stay and at what hour they go is spread broadcast no unprotected woman can do the least thing that is unconventional without having Mrs. Grundy shouting to everyone the worst possible things about her the bachelor girl the bachelor girl is usually a worker she is generally either earning her living or studying to acquire the means of learning her living her days are therefore sure to be occupied and the fact that she has little time for the gaiety of life in a less assailable position she can on occasion go out alone with a man not a married one but the theater she goes to must be of conventional character and if she dines in a restaurant it is imperative that a chaperone be in the party and the same is true in going to supper at night no one could very well criticize her for going to the opera or a concert with a man when neither her nor his behavior hints a lack of reserve but a girl whose personal dignity is unassailable is not apt to bring censure upon herself even though the world judges by etiquette which may often be a false measure the young woman who wants really to be free from Mrs. Grundy's hold on her must either live her own life caring nothing for the world's opinion or the position it offers or else be chaperoned the bachelor host in the chaperone barring the one fact that a chaperone must be on hand before young or single women guests arrive and that she may not leave until after those whom she has chaperoned have left there is no difference whatsoever in an entertainment given at the house of a bachelor and one given by a hostess a bachelor can give dinners or theater parties or yachting parties or house parties or any parties that a hostess can give it is unnecessary to say no lady may dine alone in a gentleman's rooms or house nor may she dine with a number of gentlemen or husband in which case she is scarcely alone but it is perfectly correct for two or more ladies to dine at a gentleman's rooms if one of the ladies is elderly or the husband of one is present a bachelor entertaining in bachelor's quarters meaning that he is only a man's servant much be much more punctilious and must arrange to have the chaperone bring any young woman guests with her since no young girls could be seen entering bachelor's quarters alone and have their good name survive if he has a large establishment including women's servants and if furthermore he is a man whose own reputation is unblemished the chaperone may be met at his house but since it is more prudent for young women to arrive under her care why run the unnecessary risk of meeting mrs. Grundy's jackal on the doorstep at the house of a bachelor such as described above the chaperone could be a husbandless young married woman or in other words the most careless chaperone possible without ever giving mrs. Grundy's magpie cause for ruffling a feather but no young woman could dine or have tea no matter how well chaperone in the rooms of a man of morally bad reputation without running a very unpleasant risk of censure a bachelor's house parties bachelor's frequently have house parties at their country places a married lady whose husband is with her is always the chaperone unless the host's mother or sister may be staying or living in his house there is always something unusually alluring about a bachelor's entertaining especially his house parties where do all bachelors get those nice and so very respectable elderly maid servants they can't all have been their nurses and a bachelor's house has something about it that is very comfortable but entirely different from a lady's house it would be difficult to define where in the difference lies he is perhaps more attentive than a hostess at least he meets his guests at the station if they come by train or if they motor to his house he goes out on the front steps to greet them as they drive up a possible reason why bachelors seem to make such good hosts is that only those who have a talent for it make the attempt there is never any obligation on a gentleman's part to invite ladies to stay with him whereas it is the part of every lady's duty at least occasionally to be a hostess whether she has talent or even inclination for the position or not a gentleman can return the courtesies of hostesses to him by occasionally sending flowers or books or candy and by showing them polite attention when he meets them out if a bachelor lives in a house of his own especially in a country community he is under the same obligations as any other householder to return the hospitality shown by his neighbors to him Invitations the bachelor's invitations are the same as those sent out by a hostess there is absolutely no difference his butler or waitress telephones will Mr. and Mrs. Norman dine with Mr. Bachelor on Wednesday or he writes a note or uses the engraved dinner card in giving an informal dance it is quite correct according to New York fashion for him to write on his visiting card for example on the card of Mr. Frederick Bachelor to Portmanteau Place he adds Monday, January 20th at 10 o'clock small dance or an artist sends his card with his studio address and Saturday, April 7th at 4 o'clock to hear Tonini play no invitation of a gentleman mentions that there will be a chaperone because that is taken for granted no gentleman invites ladies of position to a party unless one or many chaperones are to be present a very young girl never goes even to an unmarried doctor's or a clergyman's unless the latter is very elderly without a chaperone who in this instance may be a semi-elderly maid a lady having her portrait painted always takes a woman friend or her maid who sits in the studio or at least with insight or hearing End of Chapter 19 Chapter 20 of Etiquette This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Clarica At a kitten society in business, in politics and at home by Emily Post Chapter 20 Engagements Courtship So long as romance exists and Lochnevar remains young man's ideal Love at first sight and marriage in a week is within the boundaries of possibility But usually, and certainly more wisely a young man is for some time attentive to a young woman before dreaming of marriage Thus, not only have her parents plenty of time to find out what manner of man he is and either accept or take means to prevent a serious situation But the modern young woman herself is not likely to be carried away by the personality of anyone whose character and temperament she does not pretty thoroughly understand in way In nothing does the present time more greatly differ from the close of the last century than in the unreserved frankness of young women and men towards each other Those who speak of the domination of sex in this day are either too young to remember or else have not stopped to consider that mystery played a far greater and more dangerous role when sex, like a woman's ankle was carefully hidden from view and therefore far more alluring than today when both are commonplace matters In cities 25 years ago a young girl had beau who came to see her one at a time They in formal clothes and manners she and her company best to receive them sat stiffly in the front parlor and made a slightly formal conversation Invariably they addressed each other as Miss Smith and Mr. Jones and they talked off the top with about the same lack of reservation as the ambassador of one country may be supposed to talk to him of another A young man was said to be devoted to this girl or that but as a matter of fact each was acting a role he of an admirer and she of a siren and each was actually an utter stranger to the other Friendship and group system Today no trace of stilted artificiality remains The tete-a-tete of a quarter of a century ago has given place to the continual presence of a group A flock of young girls and a flock of young men form a little group of their own Everywhere they are together In the country they visit the same houses or they live in the same neighborhood They play golf in foursome and tennis in mixed doubles In winter at balls they sit at the same table for supper They have little dances at their own homes where scarcely any but themselves are invited They play bridge, they have tea together but whatever they do they stay in the pack In more than one way this group habit is excellent Young women and men are friends in a degree of natural and entirely platonic intimacy undreamed of in their parents' youth Having the habit, therefore of knowing her men friends well a young girl is not going to imagine a stranger no matter how perfect he may appear to be anything but an ordinary human man after all and in finding out his bad points as well as his good she is aided and abetted, encouraged or held in check by the members of the group to which she belongs Suppose, for instance, that a stranger becomes attentive to Mary immediately her friends fix their attention upon him, watching him Twenty-five years ago the young men would have looked upon him with jealousy and the young women would have sought to annex him Today, their attitude is is he good enough for Mary? An eagle-eyed, protective of Mary they watch him If they think he is all right he becomes a member of the group It may develop that Mary and he care nothing for each other or he may drift out of the group again or he may stay in it and marry herself, marry out of it but if he is not liked her friends will not be bashful about telling Mary exactly what they think and they will find means usually unless their prejudice is without foundation to break up the budding friendship far better than any older person could do If she is really in love with him and determined to marry in spite of their frankly given opinion she at least makes her decision with her eyes open There are also occasions when a young woman is persuaded by her parents into making a suitable marriage There are occasions when a young woman persists in making a marriage in opposition to her parents but usually a young man either belongs in or joins her particular circle of intimate friends and one day it may be to their own surprise though seldom that of their intimates they find that each is the only one in the world for the other and they become engaged First duty of the accepted suitor If a young man and his parents are very close friends it is more than likely he will already have told them of the seriousness of his intentions Very possibly he has asked his father's financial assistance or at least discussed ways and means but as soon as he and she have definitely made up their minds and they want to marry each other it is the immediate duty of the man to go to the girl's father or her guardian and ask his consent If her father refuses the engagement cannot exist The man must then try through work or other proof of stability and seriousness to win the father's approval Failing in that the young woman is faced with dismissing him or marrying in opposition to her parents Of course unreasonable and obdurate parents but it is needless to point out that a young woman assumes a very great risk who takes her future into her own hands and elopes But even so there is no excuse for the most unfilial act of all deception The honourable young woman who has made up her mind to marry in spite of her parents' disapproval announces to them if she can that on such and such a day if this is impossible she at least refuses to give her word that she will not marry the height of dishonour is to give her word and then break it The Approved Engagement Usually however when the young man enters the study or office of her father the latter has a perfectly good idea of what he has come to say and having allowed his attentions is probably willing to accept his daughter's choice and the former, after announcing that the daughter has accepted him goes into details as to his financial standing and prospects if the finances are not sufficiently stable the father may tell him to wait for a certain length of time before considering himself engaged or if they are satisfactory to him he makes no objection to an immediate announcement In either case the man probably hurries to tell the young woman and if he has been very frequently at the house very likely they both tell her mother and her immediate family or more likely still she has told her mother first of all His parents call on hers As soon as the young woman's father accepts the engagement etiquette demands that the parents of the bridegroom elect call at once within 24 hours upon the parents of the bride to be if illness or absence prevents one of them the other must go alone if the young man is an orphan his uncle and or other nearest relative should go in the parents place not even deep mourning can excuse the failure to observe this formality the engagement ring it is doubtful if he who carries a solitaire ring enclosed in a little square box and produces it from his pocket upon the instant that she says yes exists outside of the moving pictures as a matter of fact the accepted suitor usually consults his betrothed taste which of course may be gratified or greatly modified according to the length of his purse or he may without consulting her by what ring he chooses a solitaire diamond is the conventional emblem of the singleness and and durability of the one love in his life and the stone is supposed to be pure and flawless as the bride herself and their future together or sentiments equally beautiful there is also sentiment for a sapphire's depth of true blue pearls are supposed to mean tears emeralds jealousy opals the essence of bad luck but the ruby stands for warmth and ardour all of which it is needless to say is purest unfounded superstition in the present day precious stones having soared far out of reach of all but the really rich fashion rather prefers a large semi-precious one to a microscopic diamond fashion however is merely momentary and local and the great majority will probably always consider a diamond the only ring to have it is not obligatory or even customary for the girl to give the man an engagement present but there is no impropriety in her doing so if she wants to and any of the following articles would be suitable a pair of cufflinks or waistcoat buttons or a watch chain or a key chain or a cigarette case probably because the giving of an engagement ring is his particular province she very rarely gives him a ring or in fact any present at all the engagement ring is worn for the first time in public on the day of the announcement before announcement usually a few days before the formal announcement and still earlier for letters written abroad or to distant states both young people write to their aunts uncles and cousins and to their most intimate friends of their engagement asking them not to tell anyone until the determined date as soon as they receive the news all the relatives of the groom-elect must call on the bride welcomed by the family until their cards left upon her in person assure her so she must of course return all of these visits and as soon as possible if his people are in the habit of entertaining they should very soon ask her with her fiancée to lunch or dinner or after the engagement is publicly announced give a dinner or tea or dance in her honour if on the other hand they are very quiet people calling upon her is sufficient in itself to show their welcome in case of a recent death in either immediate family the engagement cannot be publicly announced until the first period of morning is passed it is entirely dignified for a private wedding to take place at the bedside of a very ill parent or soon after a deep bereavement in that case there is of course no celebration and the service is read in the presence of immediate families only the announcement is invariably made by the parents of the bride-elect it is a breach of etiquette for a member of the young man's family to tell of the engagement until the formal announcement has been arranged for announcement of engagement on the evening before the day of the announcement the bride's mother either sends a note or has someone call the various daily papers by telephone and says I am speaking for Mrs. John Huntington Smith Mr. and Mrs. Smith are announcing the engagement of their daughter Mary to Mr. James Smartlington son of Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Brown Smartlington of 2000 Arcade Avenue if either the Huntington Smiths or the Arthur Smartlingtons are socially prominent reporters will be sent to get further information photographs and details such as entertainments to be given or plans for the wedding will probably be asked for the prejudices of old fashioned people against giving personal news to papers is rapidly being overcome and not even the most conservative any longer object to a dignified statement of facts such as Mrs. Smith's telephone message it is now considered entirely good form to give photographs to magazines and newspapers but one should never send them unless specially requested on the eve of the announcement a dinner is sometimes given by the young girl's parents and the news is told by her father who at about salad course or dessert proposes the health of his daughter and future son-in-law how a health is proposed the host after directing that all glasses at the table be filled rises, lifts his own glass and says I propose we drink to the health of Mary and the young man she has decided to add permanently to our family James Smartlington or a standing toast to my Mary and to her Jim or I want you to drink the happiness of a young pair whose future welfare is close to the hearts of all of us Mary holding up his glass and looking at her and Jim holding it up again and looking at him everyone except Mary and Jim rises and drinks a swallow or two of whatever the champagne substitute may be everyone then congratulates the couple and Jim is called upon for a speech generally rather fussed Jim rises and says something like I we thank you all very much indeed for your good wishes and sits down or if he is an earnest rather than a shy youth perhaps he continues I don't have to tell you how lucky I am the thing for me to do is to prove if I can that Mary has not made the mistake of her life in choosing me and I hope that it won't be very long before we see you all at our own table with Mary at the head of it and I where I belong at the foot or I can't make a speech and you know it but I certainly am lucky and I know it when no speech is made the prevailing custom in New York and other big cities is for the party to be given on the afternoon or evening of the day of announcement the engagement in this case is never proclaimed to the guest as an assembled audience the news is out and everyone is supposed to have heard it those who have not cannot long remain ignorant as the groom-elect is either receiving with his fiancée or brought forward by her father and presented to everyone he does not know everybody congratulates him and offers the bride to be good wishes for her happiness a dinner or other entertainment given to announce an engagement is by no means necessary quiet people very often merely write notes of announcement and say they will be at home on such an afternoon at tea time the foreman detail are exactly the same as on an habitual day at home except that the bride and groom-elect both receive as well as her mother parties for the engaged couple if the family is in friends of the young couple are at all in the habit of entertaining the announcement of an engagement is the signal always for a shower of invitations the parents of the groom-elect are sure to give a dance or a party of one kind or another to meet their daughter to be if the engagement is a short one their life becomes a veritable dashing from this house to that and every meal they eat seems to be one given for them by someone it is not uncommon for a bride-elect to receive a few engagement presents these are entirely apart from wedding presents which come later a small afternoon teacup and saucer used to be the typical engagement gift but it has gone rather out of vogue along with harlequin china in general engagement presents are usually personal trifles sent either by her own very intimate friends or by members of her fiance's family as a special messages of welcome to her and as such are very charming but any general fashion that necessitates giving engagement as well as wedding presents may well be looked upon with alarm by those who have only moderately filled pocket-books engaged couple in public there is said to be still preserved somewhere in Massachusetts a whispering reed through the long hollow length of which lovers were want to whisper messages of tenderness to each other while separated by a room's length a notable chaperonage of the fiance's entire family from those days to these is a far cry but even in this era of liberty and naturalness of impulse running the gauntlet of people's attention and criticism is no small test of the good taste and sense of a young couple the hallmark of so-called vulgar people is unrestricted display of uncontrolled emotions no one should ever be made to feel like withdrawing an embarrassment from the over-exposed privacy of others the shrew who publicly berates her husband is no worse than the engaged pair who snuggle in public everyone supposes that lovers kiss each other but people of good taste wince at being forced to play audience at love scenes which should be private furthermore such cuddling gives little evidence of the deeper-caring no matter how ardent the demonstration may be love is seldom flaunted in public though it very often shows itself in pride that is a little obvious perhaps there is a quality of protectiveness in a man's expression as it falls on his betrothed as though she were so lovely a breath might break her and in the eyes of a girl whose love is really deep there is always evidence of that most beautiful look of championship as though she thought no one else can possibly know who she is this underlying tenderness and pride which is at the base of the attitude of each only glints beneath the surface of perfect comradeship their frank approval of whatever the other may do or say is very charming and even more so is their obvious friendliness toward all people of wanting the whole world beautiful for all because it is so beautiful to them that is love as it should be and its evidence is a very sure signpost pointing to future happiness etiquette of engaged people it is unnecessary to say that an engaged man shows no attention whatever to other women it should be plain to everyone even though he need not behave like a moon-calf that one is alone in his thoughts often it so happens that engaged people are very little together because he is away at work or for other reasons rather than sit home alone she may continue to go out in society which is quite all right but she must avoid being with any one man more than another and she should remain visibly within the circle of her group it always gives gossip a chance to see an engaged girl sitting out dances with any particular man and slander is never far away if any evidence of ardor creeps into their regard even if it be merely manner and actually mean nothing at all in the backwaters of long engagement unless the engaged couple are both so young or by temperament so irresponsible that their parents think it best for them to wait until time is given a chance to prove the stability of their affection no one can honestly advocate a long delayed marriage where there is no money it is necessary to wait for better finances but the old argument that a long engagement was wise in that the young couple were given opportunity to know each other better has little sense today when all young people know each other thoroughly well a long engagement is trying to everyone the man, the girl both families and all friends it is in a natural state like that of waiting at the station for a train and in a measure it is time wasted the minds of the two most concerned are centered upon each other to them life seems to consist in saying the inevitable good-bye her family think her absent-minded distraught aloof and generally useless his family never see him their friends are bored to death with them not that they are really less devoted or loyal but her men friends withdraw naturally refraining from breaking in he has no time between business going to see her to stop at his club or wherever friends of his may be her girlfriends do see her in the daytime but gradually they meet less and less because their interests and hers no longer focus in common gradually the stream of the social world goes rushing on leaving the two who are absorbed in each other to drift forgotten in a backwater he works harder perhaps than ever and she perhaps occupies herself making things for her trousseau or her house or otherwise preparing for the more contented days which seems so long in coming once they are married they no longer belong in a backwater but find themselves again sailing in midstream it may be on a slow moving current it may be on a swift but their barge sails in common with all other craft on the river of life should a long engagement be announced whether to announce an engagement that must be of long duration is not a matter of etiquette but of personal preference on the general principle that frankness is always better than secretiveness the situation is usually cleared by announcing it on the other hand as illustrated above the certain knowledge of two persons absorption in each other always creates a marooned situation when it is only supposed but not known that a man and girl particularly like each other their segregation is not nearly so marked meeting of kinsmen at some time before the wedding it is customary for the two families to meet each other that is the parents of the groom dine or lunch at the house of the parents of the bride to meet the aunts, uncles and cousins and then the parents of the bride are asked with the same purpose to the house of the groom elect it is not necessary that any intimacy ensue but it is considered fitting and proper that all the members of the families which are to be allied should be given an opportunity to know one another at least by sight the engaged couple and the chaperone the question of a chaperone differs with locality in philadelphia and baltimore custom permits any young girl to go along with a young man by her family to the theater or to be seen home from a party in new york or boston mrs. grunty would hold up her hands and run to the neighbors at once with the gossip it is perhaps sufficient to say that if a man is thought worthy to be accepted by a father as his daughter's husband he should also be considered worthy of trust no matter where he finds himself alone with her it is not good form for an engaged couple to dine together in a restaurant but it is all right for them to lunch or have afternoon tea and few people would criticize their being at the opera or the theater unless the performance at the latter was of questionable propriety they should take a chaperone if they motor to road houses for meals and it goes without saying that they cannot go on a journey alone that can possibly last overnight gifts which may and those which may not be accepted the fiancee of a young man who is saving in order to marry would be lacking in taste as well as good sense were she to encourage or allow him extravagantly to send her flowers and other charming but wasteful presence on the other hand if the bridegroom elect has plenty of means she may not only accept flowers but anything he chooses to select except wearing a peril or a motor car anything that can be classified as maintenance it is perfectly suitable for her to drive his car or ride his horse and she may select furniture for their house which he may buy or have built but if she would keep her self-respect the car must not become hers nor must she live in the house or use its furniture until she is given his name he may give her all the jewels he can afford he may give her a fur scarf but not a fur coat the scarf is an ornament the coat is wearing a peril if she is very poor she may have to be married in cheese cloth or even in the dress she wears usually but her wedding dress in the clothes she wears away must not be supplied by the groom or his family there is one exception if his mother, for instance has some very wonderful family lace or has kept her own wedding dress and has no daughter herself and it would please her to have her son's wife wear her lace or dress it is proper for the bride to consent but it would be starting life on a false basis and putting herself in a category with women of another class to be clothed by any man whether he is soon to be her husband or not if the engagement should be so unfortunate as to be broken off the engagement ring and all other gifts of value must be returned End of Chapter 20 Engagements Chapter 21 Part 1 of etiquette this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Laurie Ann Walden etiquette in society in business in politics and at home by Emily Post Chapter 21 Part 1 First Preparations Before a Wedding To begin with before deciding the date of the wedding the bride's mother must find out definitely on which day the clergyman who is to perform the ceremony is disengaged and make sure that the church is bespoken for no other service if it is to be an important wedding she must also see that the time available for the church is also convenient to the caterer Sundays and days in Lent are not chosen for weddings and Friday being a fast day in Catholic and very high Episcopal churches weddings on that day if not forbidden are never encouraged but the superstition that Friday and the month of May are unlucky is too stupid to discuss Having settled upon a day and hour the next step is to decide the number of guests that can be provided for which is determined by the size of the church and the house and the type of reception intended the invitations the bride elect and her mother then go to the stationer and decide details such as size and texture of paper and style of engraving for the invitations the order is given at once for the engraving of all the necessary plates and probably for the full number of house invitations especially if to a sit down breakfast or limited there are also ordered a moderate number of general church invitations or announcements which can be increased later when the lists are completed and the definite number of guests more accurately known her mother consults his mother the bride's mother then consults with the groom or more likely with his mother as to how the house list is to be divided between them this never means a completely doubled list it calls if the two families live in the same city many names are sure to be in duplicate if the groom's people live in another place invitations to the house can be liberally sent as the proportion of guests who will take a long trip seldom go beyond those of the immediate family and such close friends as would be asked to the smallest of receptions usually if Mrs. Smith tells Mrs. Smartlington that 200 can be included at the breakfast Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Smartlington will each make a list of 150 certain that 100 will be in duplicate invitations to a big church wedding are always sent to the entire visiting list and often the business acquaintances of both families no matter how long the combined number may be or whether they can by any chance be present or not even people in deep mourning are included as well as those who live thousands of miles away as the invitations not merely proffer hospitality but are messengers carrying the news of the marriage after a house wedding or a private ceremony where invitations were limited to relatives and closest personal friends of the young couple general announcements are sent out to the entire visiting list how the wedding list is compiled those who keep their visiting list in order have comparatively little work but those who are not in the habit of entertaining on a general scale and yet have a large unassorted visiting list will have quite a piece of work ahead of them and cannot begin making it soon enough in the cities where a social register or other visiting book is published people of social prominence find it easiest to read it through marking xx in front of the names to be asked to the house and another mark such as a dash in front of those to be asked to the church only or to have announcements sent them other names which do not appear in the printed list may be written as thought of at the top or bottom of pages in country places and smaller cities or where a published list is not available or of sufficient use the best assistant is the telephone book list making should be done over as long a period and for as short sessions as possible in order each name as it is read may bring to memory any other that is similar long reading at a time robs the repetition of names of all sense so that nothing is easier than to pass over the name of a friend without noticing it a word of warning to leave out old friends because they are neither rich nor fashionable and to include comparative strangers because they are of great social importance not alone shows a want of loyalty and proper understanding but is to invite the contempt of those very ones whom such snobbery seeks to propitiate four lists therefore are combined in sending out wedding invitations the bride and the groom make one each of their own friends to which is added the visiting list of the bride's family made out by her mother or other near relative and the visiting list of the groom's family made out by his mother or a relative each name is clearly marked of course whether for house or church invitation when the four lists are completed it is the duty of someone to arrange them into a single one by whatever method seems most expedient when lists are very long the compiling is usually one by a professional secretary who also addresses the envelopes encloses the proper number of cards and seals stamps and posts the invitations the address of a professional secretary can always be furnished by the stationer very often especially where lists do not run into inordinate length the envelopes are addressed and the invitations sent out by the bride herself and some of her friends who volunteer to help her the most elaborate wedding possible this is the huge wedding of the daughter of ultra-rich and prominent people in a city such as New York or more probably high noon wedding out of town the details would in either case be the same except that the country setting makes necessary the additional provision of a special train which takes the guests to a station where they are met by dozens of motors and driven to the church later they are driven to the house and later again to the returning special train otherwise whether in the city or the country the church if Protestant is decorated with masses of flowers in some such elaborateness as standards or arches or hanging garlands in the church itself as well as the floral embellishment of the chancel the service is conducted by a bishop or other distinguished clergyman with assistant clergyman and accompanied by a full choral service possibly with the addition of a celebrated opera soloist the costumes of the bride and her maids are chosen with painstaking and with seeming disregard of cost later at the house there is not only a floral bower under which the bridal couple receive but every room has been turned into a veritable woodland or garden so massed are the plants and flowers an orchestra or two so that the playing may be without intermission is hidden behind palms in the hall or wherever is most convenient a huge canopy platform is built on the lawn compared to the veranda or built out over the yard of a city house and is decorated to look like an enclosed formal garden it is packed with small tables each seating four, six or eight as the occasion may require the average fashionable wedding the more usual fashionable wedding is merely a modification of the one outlined above the chancel of the church is decorated exactly the same but except in summer when garden flowers are used there is very little attempted in the body of the church other than sprays of flowers at the ends of the ten to twenty reserved pews or possibly only at the ends of the first two pews and the two that mark the beginning of the ribbon section there is often a choral service and a distinguished officiating clergyman the costumes of bride and bridesmaids are usually the same in effect though they may be less lavish in detail the real difference begins at the breakfast where probably a hundred guests are invited or two hundred at most instead of from five hundred to a thousand and except for the canopy background against which the bride and groom receive there is very little floral decoration of the house if a tent is built it is left as it is a tent with perhaps some standard trees at intervals to give it a decorated appearance the tables even that of the bride their garniture the service and the food are all precisely the same the difference being in the smaller number of guests provided for a small wedding a small wedding is merely a further modification of the two preceding ones let us suppose it is a house wedding in a moderate sized house a prayer bench has been placed at the end of the drawing room or living room back of it is a screen or bower of palms or other greens one decoration thus serves for chancell and background at the reception a number of small tables in the dining room may seat perhaps twenty or even fifty guests besides the bride's table placed in another room if the bride has no attendance she and the groom choose a few close friends to sit at the table with them or at a smaller wedding there is a private marriage in a little chapel or the clergyman reads the service at the house of the bride in the presence of her parents and his and a small handful of guests who all sit down afterwards at one table for a wedding breakfast or there may be a greater number of guests and a simpler collation such as a stand up afternoon tea where the refreshments are sandwiches cakes, tea and chocolate breach of etiquette for groom to give wedding no matter whether a wedding is to be large or tiny there is one unalterable rule the reception must be either at the house of the bride's parents or grandparents or other relative of hers or else in assembly rooms rented by her family never under any circumstances should a wedding reception be given at the house of the groom's family they may give a ball or as many entertainments of whatever description they choose for the young couple after they are married but the wedding breakfast and the trousseau of the bride must be furnished by her own side of the house when a poor girl marries her wedding must be in keeping with the means of her parents it is not only inadvisable for them to attempt expenditure beyond what they can afford but they would lay themselves open to far greater criticism through inappropriate lavishness than through meagerness of arrangement which need not by any means lack charm because inexpensive wedding of a Cinderella some years ago there was a wedding when a girl who was poor married a man who was rich and who would gladly have given her anything she chose the beauty of which will be remembered always by every witness in spite of or maybe because of its utter lack of costliness it was June in the country the invitations were by word of mouth to neighbors and personal notes to the groom's relatives at a distance the village church was decorated by the bride her younger sisters and some neighbors with dogwood than which nothing is more bride-like or beautiful the shabbiness of her father's little cottage was smothered with flowers and branches cut in a neighboring wood her dress made by herself was of Tarleton covered with a layer or two of Tull and her veil was of Tull fastened with a spray as was her girdle of natural bridal wreath and laurel leaves her bouquet was of trailing bridal wreath and white lilacs she was very young and divinely beautiful and fresh and sweet the Tull for her dress and veil and her thin silk stockings and white satin slippers represented the entire outlay of any importance for her costume a little sister in smock of pink satine and a wreath and tight bouquet of pink laurel clusters toddled after her and held her bouquet after first laying her own on the floor the collation was as simple as the dresses of the bride and bridesmaid a homemade wedding cake professionally iced and big enough for everyone to take home a thick slice in waxed paper piled near for the purpose and a white wine cup were the most pretentious offerings otherwise there were sandwiches hot biscuits, cocoa, tea and coffee scrambled eggs and bacon ice cream and cookies and the music was a victrola the occasion the bride's going away dress was of brown holland linen and her hat a plain little affair as simple as her dress again her only expenditure was on shoes, stockings and gloves later on she had all the clothes that money could buy but in none of them was she ever more lovely than in her fashionless wedding dress of Tarleton and Tull and the plain little frock in which she drove away nor are any of the big parties she lives today more enjoyable though perfect in their way than her wedding on a June day a number of years ago the wedding hour the fashionable wedding hour in New York is either noon or else in the afternoon at 3 3.30 or 4 o'clock with the reception always a half hour later high noon which means that the breakfast is at 1 o'clock and 4 o'clock in the afternoon with the reception at half after the final hours the evening wedding in San Francisco and generally throughout the west all together smart weddings are celebrated at 9 o'clock in the evening the details are precisely the same as those of morning or afternoon the bride and bridesmaids wear dresses that are perhaps more elaborate and evening and model and the bridegroom as well as all men present wear evening clothes of course if the ceremony is in a church the women should wear wraps and an ornament or light scarf of some sort over their hair as ball dresses are certainly not suitable besides which church regulations forbid the uncovering of women's heads in consecrated places of worship the morning wedding to some 9 o'clock in the morning may sound rather eccentric for a wedding but to people of the Atlantic coast it is not a bit more so than an evening hour less so if anything the morning is unconventional anyway and etiquette never being very strong at that hour is not defied but merely left quiescent if for any reason such as taking an early morning train or ship an early morning wedding might be a good suggestion the bride should of course not wear satin and lace she could wear organdy let us hope the 9 o'clock wedding is in summer or she could wear very simple white crepe de sheen the pendant could wear the simplest sort of morning dresses with garden hats the groom a sack suit or flannels and the breakfast really breakfast could consist of scrambled eggs and bacon and toast and coffee and griddle cakes the above is not written in ridicule the hour would be unusual but a simple early morning wedding where everyone is dressed in morning clothes and where the breakfast suggests the first meal of the day the evening wedding on the other hand lays itself open to criticism because it is a function a function is formal and the formal is always strictly in the province of that off-steer and inflexible lawmaker etiquette and etiquette at this moment says weddings on the Atlantic seaboard are celebrated not later than 4.30 o'clock in the afternoon wedding presents and now let us return to the more particular details of the wedding of our special bride the invitations are mailed about 3 weeks before the wedding as soon as they are out the presents to the bride begin coming in and she should enter each one carefully in her gift book there are many published for the purpose but an ordinary blank book nicely bound as she will probably want to keep it about 8 to 10 inches square will answer every purpose the usual model spreads across each as follows column headings present received date article sent by sender's address where bought date of thanks written first entry received date may 20 article silver dish sent by Mr. and Mrs. White address 1 Eleanor Place where bought Tiffany's date of thanks written may 20 second entry received date may 21 article 12 plates sent by Mr. and Mrs. Green address 2 North Street where bought column oars date of thanks written may 21 all gifts as they arrive should be put in a certain room or part of a room and never moved away until the description is carefully entered I found a great help to put down the addresses of donors as well as their names so that the bride may not have to waste an unnecessary moment of the overcrowded time which must be spent at her desk the bride's thanks the bride who is happy in receiving a great number of presents spends every spare moment in writing her notes of thanks which must always be written by her personally telephoning won't do at all and neither will a verbal thank you so much she meets people here and there she must write a separate letter for each present a by no means small undertaking a bride of this year whose presents because of her family's great prominence ran far into the hundreds never went to bed a single night before her wedding until a note of thanks was checked against every present received that day to those who offered to help her through her overwhelming task she who is supposed to be very spoiled if people are kind enough to go out and buy a present for me I think the least I can do is to write it once and thank them that her effort was appreciated was evident by everyone's commenting on her prompt and charming notes notes of thanks can be very short but they should be written with as little delay as possible when a present is sent by a married couple the bride writes to the wife and thanks both thank you for the lovely present with me arranging the presents not so much in an effort to parade her possessions as to do justice to the kindness of the many people who have sent them a bride should show her appreciation of their gifts by placing each one in the position of greatest advantage naturally all people's tastes are not equally pleasing to the taste of the bride nor are all pocketbooks equally filled very valuable presents are better but in close contrast with others of light quality or others entirely different in character colors should be carefully grouped two presents both lovely in themselves can be made completely destructive to each other if the colors are allowed to clash usually china is put on one table silver on another glass on another laces and linens on another but pieces that jar together must be separated far apart as possible and perhaps even move to other surroundings a crudely designed piece of silverware should not be left among beautiful examples but be put among china ornaments or other articles that do not reveal its lack of fineness by two direct comparison for the same reason imitation lace should not be put next to real nor stoneware next to Chinese porcelain to group duplicates is another unfortunate arrangement 18 pairs of pepper pots or 14 saucepots in a row might as well be labeled look at this stupidity what can she do with all of us they are sure to make the givers feel at least a little chagrined at their choice cards with presents when mrs smith orders a present sent to a bride she encloses a card reading Mr. and Mrs. John Huntington Smith nearly every married woman has a plate engraved with both names but if she hasn't then she encloses Mr. Smith's card with hers some people write all good wishes or with best wishes but most people send cards without messages delayed presents if because of illness or absence a present is not sent until after the wedding a short note should accompany it giving the reason for the delay when the presents are shown there is absolutely no impropriety in showing the presents at the wedding reception they are always shown at country weddings and more often than not at the most fashionable townhouses the only reason for not showing them is lack of room in an apartment house in a townhouse an upstairs library or even a bedroom from which all the furniture has been removed is suitable tables covered with white damask plain tablecloths around the sides and down the center of the room the cards that were sent with the gifts are sometimes removed but there is no impropriety in leaving them on and it certainly saves members of the family from repeating many times who sent this one and who sent that if the house is small so that there is no room available for this display at the wedding the presents are shown on the day before and intimate friends are especially asked to come in for tea and to view them this is not done if they are to be displayed at the wedding very intimate friends seldom need to be asked the chances are they will come in often to see what has come since they were in last wedding presents are all sent to the bride and are according to law her personal property articles are marked with her present not her future initials Mary Smith who is going to marry Jim Smartlington is fortunate as MS stands for her future as well as her present name but in the case of Muriel Jones who is to marry Ross not a piece of linen or silver in Ross house will be marked otherwise than MJ it is one of the most senseless customs all her life which will be as Muriel Ross she uses linen and silver marked with a J later on many people who go to her house especially as Ross comes from California where she will naturally be living will not know what Jay stands for and many even imagine that the linen and plate have been acquired at auction sounds impossible it has happened more than once occasional brides who dislike the confusing initials especially ask that presents be marked with their marriage name the groom receives few presents even those who care about him in particular and have never met his bride send their present to her unless they send two presents one in courtesy to her and one in affection to him occasionally someone does send the groom a present address to him and send to his house rather often friends of the groom pick out things particularly suitable for him such as cigar or cigarette boxes or rather masculine looking desk sets etc which are sent to her but are obviously intended for his use exchanging wedding presents some people think it discourteous if a bride changes the present chosen for her all brides exchange some presents and no friend should allow their feelings to be hurt unless they are very close to the bride and have chosen the present with particular sentiment a bride never changes the presents chosen for her by her or the groom's family unless especially told that she may do so but to keep 22 salt sellers and 16 silver trays when she has no pepper pots or coffee spoons or platters or vegetable dishes would be putting sentiment above sense End of Chapter 21 Part 1 Chapter 21 Part 2 of Etiquette This is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Marissa Jacobs Etiquette in Society Etiquette in Society in Business in Politics and at Home by Emily Post Chapter 21 First Preparations Before a Wedding Part 2 The Trousseau A trousseau according to the derivation of the word was a little truss or bundle that the bride carried with her to the house of her husband In modern times the little bundle often requires the services of a van to transport The wrappers and underclothes of a young girl are usually very simple but when she is to be a bride her mother buys her as lavishly as she can and on the prettiest possible assortment of lace-trimmed lingerie tea gowns, bed sacks and caps whatever may be thought especially becoming The various undressed garments which were to be worn in her room or at the breakfast table and for the sole admiration of her husband are of far greater importance than the addresses and hats to be worn in public In Europe it is the custom to begin collecting linen for a girl's trousseau as soon as she is born but the American bride cares nothing for dozens upon dozens of stout linen articles. She much prefers gossamer texture lavishly embellished with equally perishable lace Everything must be bought for beauty Utility is not considered at all No stout hand-woven underwear trimmed with solidly stitched needlework Modern Miss Millions demands handkerchief linen and Valencians lace of a quality that used to be put as trimming on a ball gown and Miss Smallpurs asks for chiffon and less expensive but even more sheer and perishable laces Not long ago a stocking was thought fine and could be run through a wedding ring Today no stocking is considered fit to put on for town or evening wear unless several together can slip through the measure once the test for one The most extravagant trousseau The most lavish trousseau imaginable for the daughter of the very rich might have supposed to comprise House linen One to six dozen finest quality embroidered or otherwise trimmed linen sheets with large embroidered monogram One to six dozen finest quality linen sheets plain hem stitched large monogram One to six dozen finest quality linen undersheets narrow hem and small monogram Two pillowcases and also one little pillowcase for small down pillow upper sheet One to two dozen blanket covers These are a thin washable silk in white or in colors to match the rooms edged with narrow lace and breaths to put together with lace insertion six to twelve blankets three to twelve wool or down filled quilts Two to ten dozen finest quality extra large face towels with Venetian needlework or heavy hem made lace insertion or else embroidered at each end and embroidered monogram Five to ten dozen finest quality hem stitched in monogram but otherwise plain towels Five to ten dozen little hand towels to match the large ones One to two dozen very large bath towels with embroidered monogram either white or color to match the border of the towels Two to four dozen smaller towels to match One tablecloth six or eight yards long of finest but untrimmed damask with embroidered monogram on each side of four corners Three dozen dinner napkins to match lace inserted and richly embroidered tablecloths of formal dinner size are not in the best taste One tablecloth five to six yards long with two dozen dinner napkins to match One to four dozen damask tablecloths two and a half to three yards long and one dozen dinner napkins to match each tablecloth All tablecloths and napkins to have embroidered monogram or initials Two to six medium sized cut work mosaic or Italian lace work tablecloths with lunch napkins to match Two to six center pieces with doilies and lunch napkins to match Four to a dozen teaclaws of fillet lace or drawn work or Russian embroidery with tiny napkins to match Table pieces and teaclaws have monograms if there is any plain linen where a monogram can be embroidered otherwise monograms or initials are put on the napkins only One or two dozen damask tablecloths plain with monogram and a dozen napkins to match each In addition to the above there are two to four dozen servants sheets and pillowcases six to twelve woolen blankets six to twelve wool filled quilts four to six dozen towels and one or two dozen bath towels six to twelve white damask cotton or linen and cotton mixed tablecloths and six to twelve dozen napkins all marked with machine embroidery Two to six dozen kitchen and pantry towels and dishcloths complete the list Personal trousseau How many dresses can a bride wear? It all depends Is it really a big city for the winter season or at a watering place for the summer? Is she going to travel or live quietly in the country? It is foolish to get more outside clothes than she has immediate use for fashions change too radically The most extravagant list for a bride who is to belt continually in New York or Newport would perhaps include a dozen evening dresses two or three evening wraps of varying weights For town there would be from two to four street costumes a fur coat another long coat a dozen hats and from four to ten house dresses In this day of weekends in the country no trousseau no matter how town bred the bride is complete without one or two country coats of fur, leather or woolen materials several homespun, tweed suits or dresses skirts with shirt wastes and sweaters in endless variety low or flat healed shoes woolen or woolen and silk mixture stockings and sport hats If the season is to be spent out of town even in Newport or Palm Beach the most extravagant bride will find little use for any but country clothes a very few frocks for Sunday and possibly a lot of evening dresses of course if she expects to run to town a great deal for lunch or if she is to travel she chooses her clothes accordingly so much for the outer things only subject of the under things which being of the first importance are saved for the last one can dip into any of the women's magazines devoted to fashion and fashionables I understand at first sight that the furnishings which may be put upon the person of one young female would require a catalog as long and varied as a seedsman's an extravagant trousseau contains every article illustrated and more besides in quality never illustrated and by the dozens but it must not for a moment be supposed that every fashionable bride has a trousseau like this especially the household linen which requires an outlay possible only to parents who are very rich and also very indulgent the moderate trousseau the moderate trousseau simply cuts the above list into a fraction in quantity and also in quality there is nothing of course that takes the place of the smooth fineness of really beautiful linen it can no more be imitated than can a diamond and it's value is scarcely less the linen of a really modest trousseau in this day of high prices must of necessity be cotton fortunately however many people dislike the chill of linen sheets and also prefer cotton face towels because they absorb better and cotton is made in attractive designs and an endless variety for her personal trousseau a bride can have everything that is charming and becoming relatively little expense she who knows how to do fine sewing can make things beautiful enough for anyone and the dress made or hat trimmed at home is often quite as pretty on a lovely face and figure as the article bought at exorbitant cost at an establishment of reputation youth seldom needs expensive embellishment certain things such as footwear and gloves have to be bought and are necessary however can be modified by choosing dresses that one color slippers look well with in cities such as New York Washington or Boston it has never been considered very good taste to make a formal display of the trousseau a bride may show an intimate friend or two a few of her things but her trousseau is never spread out on exhibition there can however be no objection to her doing so if it is the time of the place in which she lives what the bridesmaids wear the costumes of the bridesmaids slippers stockings dresses bouquets gloves and hats are selected by the bride without considering or even consulting them as to their taste or preferences the bridesmaids are always dressed exactly alike as to the texture of materials and model of making but sometimes their dresses differ in color for instance, two of them may wear pale blue satin slips covered with blue chiffon and cream lace ficus and cream colored picture hats trimmed with orchids the next two wear orchid dresses cream fishes and cream hats trimmed with pale blue hydrangeas the maid of honor likewise wears the same model but her dress is pink chiffon over pink satin and her cream hat is trimmed with both orchids and hydrangeas the bouquets would all be alike of height orchids and hydrangeas their gloves all alike of cream colored suede and their slippers blue orchid and pink with stockings to match usually the bridesmaids are all alike in color as well as outline and the maid of honor exactly the same but in reverse colors supposing the bridesmaids to wear pink dresses with blue sashes and pink hats trimmed in blue and their bouquets are of larve spur the maid of honor wears the same dress in blue with pink sash blue hat trimmed with pink and carries pink roses at lucy gilding's wedding her bridesmaids were dressed in deep shades of burnt orange and yellow wood color slippers and stockings skirts that shaded from brown through orange to yellow yellow leghorn hats trimmed with chanquiles and chanquile bouquets the maid of honor were yellow running into cream and her hat though of the same shape of leghorn was trimmed with cream feathers and she carried a huge cream feather fan as in the case of the wedding dress it is foolish to enter into descriptions of these clothes more than to indicate that they are of light and fragile materials more suitable to evening than to day time flower girls and pages are dressed in quaint old fashioned dresses and suits of satin with odd old fashioned bonnets or whatever the bride fancies as being especially picturesque if a bridesmaid mourning she wears colors on that one day as bridesmaids dresses are looked upon as uniforms not individual costumes nor does she put a black band on her arm a young girl in deepest mourning should not be a bridesmaid unless at the very private wedding of a bride or groom also in mourning in this case she would be most likely the only attendant and wear all white as a warning against the growing habit of artifice it may not be out of place to quote one commentary made by a great distinction who having seen nothing of the society of very young people for many years had to go to the wedding of a niece it was one of the biggest weddings of the spring season in New York the flowers were wonderful the bridesmaids were many and beautiful the bride lovely afterwards the family talked long about the wedding but the distinguished uncle said nothing finally he was asked point blank don't you think the wedding was too lovely weren't the bridesmaids beautiful no said the uncle I did not think it was lovely at all every one of the bridesmaids was so powdered and painted that there was not a sweet or fresh face among them I can see a procession just like them any evening on the musical comedy stage one expects makeup in a theater but in the house of God it is shocking it is unnecessary to add if youth the most beautiful thing in the world would only appreciate how beautiful it is and how opposite is the false bloom that comes in boxes and bottles shiny noses colorless lips shallow skins hide as best they may and with some excuse behind powder or lipstick but to rouge a rose the cost of being a bridesmaid with the exception of parasols or muffs or fans which are occasionally carried in place of bouquets and presented by the bride every article worn by the bridesmaids flower girls or pages although chosen by the bride must be paid for by the wearers it is perhaps an irrefutable condemnation of the modern wedding display that many a young girl has had to refuse the joy of being in the wedding party because a complete bridesmaid outfit costs a sum that parents of moderate means are quite unable to meet for popular daughters and it is seldom that the bride is herself in a position to give six or eight complete costumes much as she may want all of her most particular friends with her on her day of days very often a bride tries especially to choose clothes that will not be expensive but new york prices are new york prices and the chic which is to make the wedding a perfect picture is the thing of all others that has to be paid for even though one particular girl may be able to dress herself very smartly in homemade clothes of her own design and making those same clothes duplicated eight times seldom turn out well why this is so is a mystery when a girl looks smart in inferior clothes the married is in her not in the clothes and in a group of six or eight five or seven will show a lack of finish and the tender hearted bride who for the sake of their purpose sends her bridesmaids to an average little woman to have their clothes made and to a little hat place around the corner is apt to have a rather dowdy little flock fluttering down the aisle in front of her how many bridesmaids this question is answered why how many friends has she whom she has always promised to have with her on that day has she a large circle of intimates or only one or two her sister is always made of honor if she has no sister she chooses her most intimate friend a bride may have a veritable procession eight or ten bridesmaids a made of honor flower girls and pages that is if she follows the English custom where every younger relative including the little boys' pages seems always to be brought into a perfect maypole procession of ragged ages and sizes or she may have none at all she almost always has at least one maid or matron of honor as the picture of her father standing holding her bouquet and stooping over to adjust the fall of her dress would be difficult to witness with gravity at an average New York wedding there are four or six bridesmaids half of the maids may be matrons if most of the brides group of friends have married before her it is however not suitable to have young married women as bridesmaids and then have an unmarried girl as the maid of honor