 Welcome to the broadcast. I'm David Feldman on today's program the incredible Andrea Martin along with Paul Dooley and Janie Haddad Tompkins stay with us Are you a woman? Are you tired of having control over your own body is a painful invasive procedure by total strangers in a cold impersonal setting Exactly what you've been looking for well now participating Walgreens drugstores in association with the Republican National Committee Announced the grand opening of our new ultrasound on the go clinic Jiffy Badge If you are a career gal who has committed unholy acts that are in the front to God But don't want your state mandated ultrasound to be in the front to your pocketbook Jiffy Badge is the answer to your prayers if they promiscuous tramp like you ever bothered to pray It's only a matter of time before all states require women seeking abortions to get an ultrasound So why not do it at your neighborhood strip mall where you can get all your shopping done and still have time to view a Sonogram of the fetus you're planning to murder But don't take our word for it the violation of my uterus was so quick and easy And I never thought I could become so permanently traumatized at so low a price Whether you prefer the liquid gel method or the more rapey metallic insertion option Jiffy Badge clinics are there to serve as all the women's reproductive decisions that you as a woman Don't deserve to have a say in I was shamed and psychically scarred for life in a convenient location right next to Applebee's Jiffy Badge. I haven't stopped sobbing since the procedure, but the parking was free with validation So be sure to visit your neighborhood Jiffy Badge clinic where great savings begin that conception After 56 sponsors dropped Rush Limbaugh this week Most of the commercials on Limbaugh's radio show today were public service announcements He's just giving it away Who's the slut now Rush? Some stations have already dropped Rush Limbaugh realizing they can attract the same exact audience By simply playing the sound of a warthog caught in a bear trap If you remember Rush Limbaugh got into trouble last week when he became confused and called a woman a prostitute Instead of calling a prostitute Reverend Pat Robertson says marijuana should be legalized and then announced the 700 club will be marked down to 420 Robertson says he himself never smokes marijuana because he's addicted to a much stronger opiate organized religion According to a new study 90% of all voters in this year's Republican primaries were white The other 10% were really white Meanwhile Washington Republicans are starting to gear up for all-out war with Iran By making sure their draft-age children are eligible for college deferments Welcome back to the Vatican radio network I'm father Aloysius Dooley a lot of you Catholics out there aren't paying any attention to me when I talk about women's issues Especially the women so I thought maybe you'd listen to my next guest who happens to be a woman But unlike many of you she is a nun so she knows what she's talking about Especially when it comes to sex. She's mother Magda from the celibacy project. Welcome to the show mother Nice to be on show father Dooley. It's good to have you here mother Magda. Where is your church located? My church located eastern Europe. Could you be more specific? Maple Street need the subway now much like myself. You are your church's resident expert on all matters pertaining to sexual behavior Does that include deviant behavior depends on you buy me dinner? Okay, the lines are open folks. You can ask mother Magda anything as long as you're Catholic and you're trying to remain celibate Hello, Beth from Virginia Beach. You're on the air. Hello father. Yes. Do you have a question for mother Magda? Yes, I do mother Magda. Yes, dear. What is question? Well, I'm 21 years to be having a problem boyfriend looks at porn. Yes. No, no, he doesn't right Of course. He doesn't bet. Are you having physical relations with this man? No father. That's the problem We're not having sex because we're not married Sounds like things are going just fine bet Please don't call the show again unless you need me to tell you not to have sex Dooley back off. It's my show and it's father mother Father mother, please don't fight. Talk to me bet. You're still there. Yes, mother Magda My boyfriend has these urges, but we can't get married. We're still in college and I'm a virgin What should I do bet if you want to keep boyfriend have to find ways please him and still you are pure How do I do that mother? You need to play with his how can I put this with his Schmeak and Vulcan You got that bet his what? He's schmeak and Vulcan. Thanks for calling bet. I hope we've been of some help to you His schmeak and Vulcan. Are you deaf? That's why I need your help. Okay bet listening to me when you with boyfriend You take his schmeak and Vulcan and you put it in your gawk and muffin My gawk and muffin. Do you want to keeping your man or not keeping him? I want to keeping him I do Listen to myself saying you doing this with his schmeak and Vulcan in your gawk and muffin. Try it one time What's your mind explaining? Jesus Christ. She's a kid. She don't know nothing Excuse bet. Oh, have you never had your boyfriend's broom shekels on top of your max abbas? I don't think so Not even once no After the prom no, I haven't why beth. I think you're lying. I'm catholic father I don't lie. Where have you been under a rock? I just don't want to get pregnant. You silly goose You can't get pregnant through your gawk and muffin. He's right. It's impossible. It could never happen And I'll still be a virgin. Of course dammit. Well, I enjoy it too. Yes, and it's good for your complexion Is that true mother magda? I don't know about that bet. It's a mystery like everything in the catholic church Well, thank you mother mother. I can hardly I'll bet you can't Good luck bet. But remember one thing. Yes, mother. Whatever you do Don't let him near your vagina Raging all across this mighty land A battle over birth control that's getting out of hand So I have some examples that will help you understand That parent would should absolutely not be planned Just suppose that Einstein's father used a condom tell you what It could have been a big door to the future slamming shut Cause that sperm named elbert einstein Might not have made the cut And that's why I oppose plant parent would Now things of aviation fame Imagine that their parents played the contraception game We'd still be taking boats to europe and they would be to blame And that's why I oppose plant parent would Oh, please don't genuinely love what I love Is in legs have strong beliefs they simply can't ignore wrong You mentioned contraceptives and they tell you they have or wrong And if not for this rigid rule there might be no santo wrong And that's Just a moment friends I find that I've somehow changed my mind Now I support plant parent would And now as part of its ongoing commitment to humorless programming National public radio presents. That's not funny with your host schuyler umbridge Hello, I'm schuyler umbridge. Welcome to that's not funny My first guest is melissa jordan the author of a new book how feminism lost its way Welcome miss jordan. That's mrs. Jordan When I got married, I took my husband's name as I believe all true feminists should Really? Yes a whole idea of equal pay equal opportunity and heaven control over one's own body is Antithetical to what I believe to be true feminism Well to my mind the points you are making are in fact the exact opposite of true feminism Okay, admittedly the entire premise of my book is wrong But why would you even expect me to write a good book? I am a woman after all What there's a whole chapter in my book about how women are too stupid to write books I'd encourage you to read it, but I don't think women have any business reading That's a man's job. I can only guess by your logic that you vote republican vote You think women should have the right to vote And you call yourself a feminist. I guess you're one of those crazy modern new fangle lipstick lesbian feminists That's not funny. Of course. It's not funny. Women aren't funny. Don't you know that get out of here get out Excuse me dear. Can I say one more thing? What sam torum? 2012 My next guest on that's not funny It's professor darlene markham who is here to tell us about her new scholarly study. Thank you My new book is called a lighter side of suicide And it's a whimsical look at some of the hilarious things famous authors have said when they're about to kill themselves Um, I have to admit. I didn't really know there was a lighter side to suicide Oh, but there is for instance right before urnis temingway placed a rifle in his mouth and pulled the trigger He said this bullet will be the first non-fattening thing I've eaten all day Isn't that adorable i'm I'm not so sure but wait wait till you get a load of this Do you know what ann sexed in the poet's head right before she took her own life? What she said? Oh my god. I'm so depressed. I just want to die I What a stitch I'm sorry, but I really don't see what's so witty about what she said It's the way she said it The thing is in order to appreciate the humor of most suicides. You really had to be there I think I kind of disagree with the premise of your book I don't believe that people committing suicide are necessarily interested in turning the most anguished moment of their lives Into an amusing anecdote. Well, sometimes it's the folks around the suicidal person to come up with a singer For instance As you probably know sylvia plath killed herself by sticking her head in the oven When her husband ted found her without missing a beat. He said well, I guess tonight It's not going to be stove top stuffing or potatoes I simply do not believe that ted hughes said that ted hughes. Who's that ted hughes Sylvia plath's husband What are you talking about? Sylvia plath's husband was ted key The cartoonist who created the hazel comic strip No Sylvia plath's husband was ted hughes the famous british poet. This is common knowledge. Everybody knows it. Really? Yes Oh my god My book has already gone to press and I painted gigantic air in scholarship This is going to destroy my career No tenure. No grants No fellowships I'm ruin Well, that should help sales of your book Hey, you're right. It is easy to come up with a quip under these circumstances. That's not funny Yes, it is. It's the only funny thing I've ever said Your moment of suicidal despair has provided me with the first lighthearted moment of my life And how dare you try to diminish that and I'm the one who says that's not funny around here Now get out get out Get out My next guest on that's not funny is florence phillips who during our last pledge drive made a generous donation to npr And thus won the be a guest on that's not funny gift Florence, thank you so much for your support. My pleasure That's not funny is my favorite program And you skyler umbridge or the light of my life. I am your biggest fan Thank you so much So tell us florence. What do you do for a living? I live off the trust fund. I don't have to work So i'm able to focus on what i'm passionate about which is you skyler. I know everything about you well I'm very grateful that you're such a fan But outside of the show. I do try to maintain a very private life I know that's what you said in your email to your father last week. What did you hack into my email? No, I could never do that. So I hired a computer hacker to do it for me But don't worry. I would never share your information with others I can't speak for him though. Oh my god. I feel so violated But you would love to be violated by that barista at starbucks. You have a crush on But have never worked up the courage to talk to how do you know about that? Did you read my diary? I would never do that I read it in the dream journal that you keep next to your bed You broke into my apartment when I wasn't there Well, oftentimes I break in when you are there and I hide under your bed I find the sound of your vibrate are very soothing. That's not funny Get out of here. You said that's not funny to me. I am so honored. Get out. Get out. Get out This is the greatest moment of my life That's it for this week's edition of that's not funny. Join me next week Actually, I'm not sure I want you to join me next week. You don't have a choice skiler I've already picked out my outfit I am so creeped out Good night That's not funny is made possible by listeners like you Crazy unstable sociopathic listeners like you I'm meredith fiera and today i'm here outside mit romney's estate about to enter the grounds to interview Harry is now it's mit romney's dog. Good boy. Who's a good boy? Who's an uken wukum? Oh, I guess I am I'm pleased to meet you meredith. Please call me mutt mutt romney correct So when do I get my chance to win a million dollars? Come on. Ask me a question No, that's my other gig hosting who wants to be a millionaire. This is my journalist stick. You brought a stick I'm so sorry just as well You know what my master mit calls millionaires? poor folk zingo have I told you that one before lucky guess This estate is beautiful. Thank you I didn't design it though the ripped up patches of grass and the urine stains on the fence posts are all mine Very tasteful. Wow. Look at all those catalogs. There must be dozens My master mit bought them for me to chase. He knows that I don't chase foreign imports on that subject I've been meaning to ask you about the famous incident where your master I mean mit put you in a crate on top of the car during a family trip to canada You've been reading too much gale collins In this house. She's for paper training not reading Well, first of all, I like writing in a crate on the roof I'm a risk taker an extreme animal an alpha dog. I parasail. I cliff dive I tell 12 year old girls that Justin Bieber can't sing if you're such a fearless creature What about the story that uh, you soiled the crate and that your water He still dripped down the back windshield of romney station wagon. I'm also a competitive eater too I just won a fried clam eating contest at the west minster kennel club show I didn't know the west minster. Oh my goodness. Is this mr. Romney's mansion? Oh this little shack. Don't be silly. It's my doghouse A doghouse. It's at least five stories high and there's a wave pool and is that a cabana outback Please don't attack my success. It shows that you're anti capitalism. Come on mind your step Is it steep? No, it's why I poop. Oops. I'll just follow you My this room is gorgeous. Is it the living room? Uh, no, it's the elevator the walls feel so soft and fuzzy. Oh, what's that cat fur? We're in the basement. This is very exotic. I love the art installation on the wall It's my collection of dog leashes You have hundreds of them and I love this collection of porcelain pieces And those are toilet bowls. Do you use them to go to the bathroom? Of course not Care for a sip. They're stocked with avian not feeling thirsty So meredith, would you put a leash on me the leather one? Why do you want to go for a walk? No, but come on put a leash on me. Look, I don't really see the point. Tell me to sit. No, I don't want to Tell me to sit sit Say it like you mean it sit boy down. Yes Now tell me to roll over roll over now shake. Yes, that's it Now beat me on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. What is wrong with you? I'm a bad dog. Call me a bad dog No, seriously, what is wrong with you? I'm a dog. We all want to be treated like this Why do you think humans keep us around protection companionship wrong you humans keep dogs around because you need someone to dominate Someone who puts up with your crap just to get fed It's been great meeting you please fake through the tennis ball I love when you're torturing me that way. This has been meredith fiera with mit romney's dog Next week i'll interview the poodle that lives on top of newt gingrich's head. Now get off my leg down boy down Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Oh, oh Oh, oh my that's starting to feel kind of good. Come on, baby. Pull my choke collar. Well, i'm a dog So I like it rough Ah Now you want to do it human style Welcome to frank conif's america My guest today coming to us directly from the lower bowels of hell is andrew breitbart. Stop breaking people Stop breaking people Stop breaking people Andrew, why are you saying that to me? I'm not saying it to you. I'm saying it to john Wayne gacy I can see it through the billowing flames. It's a few feet from me and he won't stop raping people I mean before my orientation was finished. He raped me three times yikes Wait, jeffrey dumber just walked past jeffrey. Stop eating people Stop eating people Stop eating people Man it is awful down here Because you're surrounded by unadulterated evil. No i'm used to that i've been to ancultures house What's awful is that nobody pays attention to me down here. That's what makes it hell for me You're not the media star you were on earth No, there aren't any lazy broadcasters down here who show my doctor videos and treat me as if I were a legitimate journalist It sucks. Are you trying to make a splash down there? Of course on my new website bigafterlife.com I posted a tweet pic of hitler's penis proving once and for all that he only has one testicle Adolph just took a crap on my face and laughed it off. It was no big deal to him Wow getting defecated on by hitler must be pretty degrading I didn't really notice it because I was being sodomized by roy cohen at the time Oh Then I posted a doctored video of satan saying I love jesus But I edited it so you didn't hear the complete clip where he said I love jesus when he has hemorrhoids because I like to see him suffer Did that bring you the attention you crave so much? Not at all When I pulled this honest stuff like that on earth I was put on tv the media fondled over me and my website got millions of hits and I made tons of money Down here satan just shrugged told me as punishment I have to dry hunt phyllis shaftley for a thousand years once you gets here That sounds harsh in this place. It's a slap on the wrist Right now lee atwater is in the midst of a 10,000 year golden shower from claire ruth loose So I got off easy Well, andrew good luck with your eternity in hell. You are missed up here. Am I? No, not really But doesn't everybody miss my hateful hijinks? Oh, they did for about a minute or two But then rush limbaugh picked up the hateful conservative slack in a big way Really say could you give rush a message for me? Sure Uh, actually, I'm sure I'll eventually get to tell him in person Never mind Well, thank you, andrew brightbart for joining us from the lower bowels of hell This is frank conif and this has been frank conif's america. Good night Today's show is written by steve rosenfield frank conif and guy nicolucci It features andrea martin paul duly janey haddad tompkins jeremy s kramer and frank conif Special material by alan Chapman. We are mixed and engineered by alex steen edited by darin ares and our executive producer is troi conrad I bet that too a gun any from diabolo will save the day for you Now there's a sweet little pigtail filly you have got to me And all the cowpokes around these parts agree she can't be beat As you can handle a pair of 45s like no one's ever done Then sang a song while she ropes and rides she's five foot one of fun To gun any from diabolo Sure can twirl a gun and shoot it to an aim that's true But better than anyone you find yourself in danger Do I bet that too a gun any from diabolo will save the day for you You find yourself in danger I bet that too a diablo will save the day for you I said that too a gun any from diabolo she Will save the day for you Will ryan and the cactus county cowboys are with us. Why don't you introduce the guys? Well sure thing davie. Uh, we've got john reynolds on guitar. Howdy Howdy john. Hey, we sometimes call him presto for reasons that maybe comes conspicuous And If we've got on fiddle buckaroo benny brydern. Yeah, howdy, too. You guys ready? Well, that means yes, please welcome will ryan and the cactus county cowboys There's a song out west that everybody knows And this is how it goes when the cats away the mice play Joy to be a jumping every night in the day and they'll wave away what the neighbors say When the cats away when the kittens go out out along the mice they'll be a hop until the break of dawn In the kitchen to they'll be pitching wool when the cats away High to high to 40. Oh, here's a ticket we've got Grab a mouse and dose a dope rock and grab a clock when the felines out there be no doubt Yeah, the little mouse is gonna sway and shout to behave that way from june through may Long as the cat is away When the cat's awake Grab the mouse and dose a dope rock and round if the mouse is gonna sway and shout to behave that way from june through may Long as the cat is away That was great That's our show. Thanks for listening special. Thanks to matt parez ali lex at jimmy door And of course allen minceki for additional material and podcasts or to join our mailing list Please go to david feldman comedy dot com I invite you to friend me on facebook and follow me on twitter from the kpfk studios in southern california i'm david feldman. Thank you for joining us