 Is Maxwell House the best coffee in the whole world? Well, your father says so, and your father knows best. Yes, it's Father Knows Best, transcribed in Hollywood, starring Robert Young as father. A half-hour visit with your neighbors, the Andersons, brought to you by Maxwell House, the coffee that's bought and enjoyed by more people than any other brand of coffee at any price. Maxwell House, always good to the last drop. Not too many weeks ago, we spoke of love, and now we're going to speak of it again. This might prove to be monotonous, except for one thing, the peculiar quality of love itself. You see, love is a sickness full of woes, all remedies refusing. Despite repetition, you'll find that it grows constantly more confusing. So let's go to Springfield to the White Frame House on Maple Street, where, for the next half-hour, the Andersons will add their special sort of bewilderment to our own natural confusion. But good. All right, Kathy, let's pretend it's a game. Now listen. A has 12 apples. He gives one-third to B. Why? What do you mean, why? Why does he give one-third to B? Kathy, I... Well, how can I understand it if I don't know why he's giving the apples away? Jim, Bud isn't busy, and I'm sure he'll... Margaret. Yes, dear. I'm perfectly capable of explaining simple fractions, even to this genius. All right, dear, I suppose you know best. Now, look, Kathy... If I just knew why he was giving the apples away, then maybe I could figure it out. They're very good friends, Kathy. A and B? Yes. How come? Well, they were in the army together. While they were in the army, they decided that if they ever had any apples, they'd share them. Now, is that clear? It didn't say that in the book. It was on another page, and the page fell out. He didn't understand that. All right. A has 12 apples. He gives one-third to B, and he gives one-fourth to C. Was he in the army, too? It's possible. Then why did he give C more than B? He didn't. He gave him less. You said he gave him a-fourth. He did. But he only gave B a-third. Kathy, a-third is more than a-fourth. You mean a-three is more than a-fourth? No, it's less. But a-third is more than a-fourth. A-third of 12 is four, and a-fourth of 12 is three. And four is more than three, so a-fourth is less than a-third. Don't you think... Margaret, I've explained it as simply as anyone possibly could. I've done everything but produce A, B, and C in person. And if she had the faintest idea of what the whole thing was about, Betty, stop that pounding! I said stop it! She's been playing that same idiotic song for the last hour. I know the page fell out. Kathy, suppose we call your brother and ask him... Margaret, why do you keep insisting that we call Bud? There's no reason to believe that he can do better than I. Is there? Well, he can't do any worse, can he, dear? Père, dit-a-moi, pourquoi? What? I said, bonsoir, mon père, dit-a-moi. Oh, stop it. But you said... You've done nothing but spout bad French around here for three days, and I've had just about all I can stand. But how can I learn to speak French if I don't practice? Well, practice on somebody else. Now look, Kathy... Yes, Daddy. A has 12 apples. He gives one-third to B... French is the most beautiful language in the world. Everybody says so. I don't. I'm perfectly happy with English. How much is one-third of 12? Four. I wasn't talking to you. Oh, je ne sais pas encore. D'aller j'en ai de mon fils. Whatever she said, it had nothing to do with apples. A has 12 apples. In French, apple is paume. Betty. All right. A has 12 palms. He gives one-third of the palms to B... and one-fourth of the palms to C. Now, how many palms does he have left? Five. Where did that come from? Isn't it right? Yes, it's right. Well... Margaret. Well, dear, maybe she only knows how to do French arithmetic. I don't know. Other people have children and they don't have to go through this. But night after night, day after day... Dad, say dad. But I don't think this is quite the time, but I have to tell him something. Dad, I figured it out. Good. Now look, Kathy. Don't you want to know what? All right. What? You know what I'm going to be when I get out of school? An old man. Gene. Well, at the rate he's going... Le Petit Garçon et Syrre. How did Betty stop it? Jumping creepers. But why don't you and Kathy go upstairs? I haven't told dad what I'm going to be. I know what I'm going to be. I'm going to sit in the corner and cut out paper dolls. Can I help you, Daddy? Yes, just keep it up. You're helping me find. You know what I'm going to be? An inventor. Margaret. I was reading a book and it says you can make millions, just inventing things. Bud, why don't you run over to Joe Phillips and tell him about it? I haven't got time. I have to go invent something. Well, go ahead. What would be a good thing to invent? Bud. Why don't you invent a machine for doing fractions? How about a self-answering doorbell? You push a button. Bud, see who's at the door. But don't you want to hear about... See who's at the door? Holy cow. What do you think Edison would have been if he spent half his life answering doorbell? Well, Margaret, have you read of any organized plot by the children of America that drive their fathers insane? Not recently, dear. I didn't do anything. Of course not. You never do anything. Well, I certainly haven't. No? I had less trouble with French at the battle of the bulls than I've had with you. That is Billy Smith. Oh, fine. Now we're going to have poetry. What do you suppose he was? Oh, dear, I forgot to tell you Billy called when you were out. Mother, you didn't tell him he could come over. Well, he asked if you were going to be home. Mother. I thought you and Billy were getting along fine. Oh, but he's so...so... Oh, je d'ouille. He's what? Hi, Betty. Why, Billy, how nice. Hello, Mrs. Anderson. Mr. Anderson. Hello, Billy. Hi, Kathy. Hi, Billy. Say, Dad, I was telling Billy about my idea. Not now, Bud. But I just want to tell you... Bud, why don't you take Kathy upstairs and help her with her homework? But if I waste all that time... It won't hurt you to be a millionaire a few minutes later. Oh. Well, OK, Kathy, come on. Gee whiz. What are you kicking about? You're costing me thousands of dollars every second. My God! How's your family, Billy? Just fine, thank you. Say, Betty, I found a book of old English verse. English? Well, I just thought if you weren't doing anything... Haven't you heard, Billy, we've gone French. Yeah, I know. Everybody in the school knows the way she moans over that guy. Billy. What? Why, Betty? Billy Smith, you're just the nastiest boy I've ever known in my whole life. That's what you are. I suppose you don't moan over him. You can ask anybody in the class. You can get out of my house. That's what you can do. Oh, I can, can I? You're jealous. That's what you are. Jealous? Me? And I don't care if I never see you again, either. Well, that's all right with me. I don't care if I never see you again. You know what you are? You're nothing but a... a... fur! It's a sand saw! Betty! It's all right, Margaret. She just called him a railroad. Any time you'd rather have that Frenchman, well, you can have him. Well... Mr. and Mrs. Anderson? Good night, Billy. All right, Betty. What? Who is he? Who? You know very well who. This Marshall plan in reverse. What's his name? Robert Legrand. Is he in your French class? He is my French class. I mean, oh, Father, he's just beautiful. Betty, I don't think it's very nice throwing yourself at a boy this way. You would if you saw him. How is it you've never mentioned him to us? Are you ashamed of him? Oh, no, Father. You wouldn't be ashamed of us, would you? Father. Betty, you know we don't approve of dates with boys we haven't met. I know, Mother, but... Wait a minute. I think I can fix the whole thing. Betty, why don't we have him over for dinner? Robert? When I was in the service, the people of France practically broke their necks, being nice to me. And by golly, this is my chance to do something for them. But I don't think you'll come to dinner, Father. You see... Of course he will. Where does he live? At the International House. But, Father... I think it's a very good idea, Betty, to know your young man and your father can find out about all the girls he left behind. Margaret. It's an excellent idea. Really? Where are you going? I'm going to call him right now. What's his number, Betty? Bedford 2206. But, Father, if you only listen... 2206. Yes, sir. Father, he never goes anywhere. He's only been here a few weeks. Hello, may I speak to Robert? Just a minute. What was it again? La Grande. But, Father... Robert La Grande. Please. Thank you. He's going to say no, Father. And if he does, I'll die. I'll simply die. Why should he say no? We're not going to... Hello? Mr. La Grande? This is Betty Anderson's father. Yes. Mr. La Grande, Betty's been telling us all about you and we were just wondering if you'd like to have dinner with us. Well, how about tomorrow night? What'd he say, Father? 607 Maple Street. That's it. At six? Right. See you then. Yes. Good night. Was he there, Jim? Sure. And he said he'd love to have dinner with us. Where are you going, Betty? I'm going upstairs and lie down. I don't feel too well. You're acting like a lovesick two-year-old and I'm ashamed of you. Margaret, I don't know what's getting into that girl. I swear I don't. Oh, oh, Bear. Well, make believe Mr. Gribble is A. He has 12 apples. If Mr. Gribble had 12 apples, he'd keep them. Have some. How can you be so dumb? A has... What's the matter, Betty? Don't you feel well? Father ruined everything. He invited him to dinner. Oh, Bear. How do you know his name? We listened. What am I going to do about what? Since when do you get all upset about having a boyfriend over for dinner? Oh, you just don't understand. Nobody understands. We don't understand what. He isn't my boyfriend. He's my French teacher. Oh, no. So Betty's latest boyfriend is also her French teacher. Well, that shouldn't come as too much of a surprise to the Andersons. So many times a person we think of in one role turns out to play any number of parts. For instance, mother, that man used to serve coffee to at breakfast time. Know who he is? Sure, he's your husband. But he's somebody else, too. He's the world's greatest coffee expert. Of course, the coffee trade rates us as experts, too. After all, our Maxwell House coffee is America's favorite brand. But the expert with the final say in his book, he's that man of yours. And if you fill his cup with Maxwell House, we're mighty sure he'll say, best coffee I ever tasted. In fact, if he doesn't, we'll give you your money back. You see, no coffee tastes like Maxwell House, because no coffee's made like Maxwell House. That famous good to the last drop flavor comes from just one thing, our recipe. A recipe that insists on certain fine things blended a very special way. And only Maxwell House has that recipe. So get a pound of Maxwell House tomorrow. Serve it to your husband. If he doesn't say, best coffee ever. Why, just send us the can and unused portion, and we'll gladly refund the price you paid. Our address is right on every familiar blue tin. Tomorrow, see how much your husband, the world's greatest coffee expert, enjoys Maxwell House coffee. Always good to the last drop. Remember what we said in the beginning about love? Well, we were right, weren't we? Yes, sir, if there's one thing that can get you mixed up with love, especially when it concerns people, and whether you believe it or not, children are people at times. Betty, do the forks go on the left in France? Just put them down and don't talk so much. I don't have to do that. You tell me, you're not my mother. Kathy, please, for my sake. Well, all right, but he doesn't have to be so bossy. Gosh, Betty, you don't have to look so scared. It'll turn out all right. If it only would. I didn't even tell them once that he's your teacher. Kathy, well, I didn't. Betty, you know, it's none of my business, but wouldn't it have been better if you told him? Oh, I don't know. I've tried to tell him a dozen times, and it just won't come out. I'll tell him. You set the table. Well, I just want to help. If I tell them, they might get mad and tell him not to come. But I want him to come. Only sometimes I don't. But... What? Did you understand that? Sure. She wants him to come to dinner, only she doesn't. Oh! I keep telling myself once he gets here, everything will be all right, except maybe it won't be. Well, good gosh, just because he's a teacher. My teacher was here last month, and I didn't care. You don't understand. Nobody understands. Nobody understands what? Oh, hello, Dad. We were just talking... About what? Well, we just... Just talking, Father, that's all. Well, you must have been talking about something. Well, doesn't the table look beautiful? I helped fix it, Mommy. That's fine, dear. Well, what is it, bud? What's the big secret? Jim, when it's this close to Christmas, you don't pry into private conversations. Oh. Oh, Betty, it's almost six. It is? Why don't you run upstairs and fix your hair? I've got to put on a whole new face. Why didn't somebody tell me how late it was? You too, bud. What? Comb your hair. You've got a cowlick a mile high. Well, gosh, he isn't coming to see me. Go upstairs and comb your hair. Holy cow. The next thing you know, they want me to get a permanent or something. How about you get a permanent or something? How about you, Kathy? I'm clean. When was the last time you washed your hands? Three o'clock. But I've been very careful, Mommy. Upstairs. Go ahead, dear. Gee whiz. Nobody made this much of a fuss when my teacher came over. Well, just the same. What was that? Come back here. I said, come back here. Jim, you're frightening the child. But did you hear what she said? I'm afraid I did. What was that about a teacher, Kathleen? I didn't say anything about Betty's French teacher, Daddy. I promised her I wouldn't. I mean... Her French teacher? Oh, this is fine, Margaret. Just fine. I didn't mean to tell you. And now Betty will be mad at me. Betty! Come down here right now. Jim, don't forget, you were the one who invited him to dinner. I invited a boy, not a man. All right, Kathy, you may go upstairs. Go ahead, dear. I tried so hard not to tell you. Come in here, Betty. We want to talk to you. Upstairs, Kathy. I hope I can get into more trouble. What did she do now? She told us about your French teacher. That's what she did. She did? What a little snitcher! Betty, why didn't you tell us the truth? About Robert? Yes, Robert. You said he was a boy in your French class. No, I didn't. You said he was a boy in my French class. He's an older man, Betty. You have no right to go out on dates with him. He isn't an older man. He's only 35. And besides, I never said I had a date with him. You mean you haven't? I've never even seen him outside of school. Well, we fixed that, Margaret, didn't we? We did? Having him here for dinner was just as much your idea as it was mine. All right, dear, if it makes you happy. Well, it was. Betty, you're never going to see him again, are you? Socially, I mean. Why not? Because we say so. That's why not. You're taking the wrong attitude. Oh, I am, am I? I suppose you like the idea. Of course not. But Betty's a sensible girl. She has no intention of seeing him again, have you, dear? Haven't I? Wait till you see him. Betty, look, this man's an instructor at the university. He's years older than you. I like older men. He's old enough to be your father. He's a man of the world. You have nothing in common with him. Well, that's why I'm studying French. So we will have something in common. A language isn't enough, Angel. You're only 17. Your life is just beginning. You have such wonderful years ahead of you. And if he's 35... Now wait a minute, Margaret. Let's not get carried away with this thing. After all, I'm older than he is, and I'm not exactly ready for the old soldier's home. I didn't mean that, Jim. When a man's 35 or 40, he's in the very prime of his life. He's living his best years, not looking back at them. And I want to live them with him. You do no such thing. But, Father, you just said... Never mind what I just said. My daughter of mine is going to run around with a man old enough to be her father. Jim, I wish you'd make up your mind. I have made up my mind. I'll tell this blue beard. Father, he's here. Well, I'll take care of him. I'll get it. I'll get it, too. Jim, remember that he's our guest, no matter what we think of him. That's what I like about cannibals. If they don't want somebody around, they chuck them out. They don't sit around being pleasant. Father, if you do one thing to disgrace me... You won't, will you, Father? Please? Of course not, baby. You know I wouldn't hurt you... Andy! What? Andy, mon capitaine! Frenchie Le Grand! It's a dream. It's a dream. The whole thing. It's a dream. Frenchie, you old son of a gun! Jim? Betty, why didn't you tell me it was Frenchie Le Grand? Who? Margaret, you've heard me speak of Frenchie Le Grand? Of course. He was the interpreter with my outfit. We went all through France together, didn't we, Frenchie? Okay. This is the happiest day of my whole life. I... I... I don't know what to say. Dad, is this the Frenchie who got all those medals? He's the one. Gosh. Frenchie, this is my son. But... Oh, I know him. I know them all. I've seen their picture a thousand times. Margaret and Cathy and Betty. He. Betty. First of all, Mr. Le Grand. This girl sits in my class and I say, where have I seen this face? And I'm such a fool. I don't think. Jim, if we're going to have dinner... There's lots of time for dinner on this occasion. You don't find an old friend like Frenchie every day. I was telling my father... Come in here, Cathy. Don't stand out in the hall. Yes, Daddy. You mean, this is Cathy. That's my baby. Oh, but she wasn't in France. Hi. How old? Nine years old. And in the picture... She's lying on a rug. Oh, Cathy. The picture your father had of you. Daddy! Father and I were just saying... Jim, everything's going to be burned to a crisp. Oh, madam. Madam, how can we think of food at a time like this? Never in my entire life am I so excited. Oh, this is wonderful. Say, you remember Eddie Miller, don't you? Oh, you mean laughing boy. Yeah. Well, you see what happened to him. I've got a picture of my wallet here someplace. What did I do? Go into the kitchen and turn everything off. Yes, mommy. But you'd better put the celery and things back in the icebox. Yes, ma'am. Just the other day, I was telling my father... Here it is. I knew I had it someplace. Oh, wait a minute. You mean this is Eddie Miller? But he looks so sad. Well, he got married. Betty, why don't you see who's at the door? At the door? Don't just stand there. Go ahead, dear. See who it is. Chompin' creepers. Here's another one you ought to remember. Why don't you hit that Dematino? He was the one with you on that champagne deal, wasn't he? No, no, no. That was the other one. You know, what was his name? The one he used to love. Oh, yeah. Hello, Billy. Here are your books. I brought them back. Thank you very much. What's the matter? Don't you feel well? I feel fine. Would you like to come in? You want me to come in? If you want to. Well, I don't want to if you don't want me to. Eddie, close the door. You better come in. Okay. It's just my father and my French teacher. Oh, well, I better go. Billy, don't be ridiculous. I'm not being ridiculous, but I know how you feel about him, and why should I hang around? Billy, will you stop being childish? Why, he's old enough to be my father. Tomorrow or Saturday, the very next time you buy coffee, set your mind on one thing, on coffee that gives you the most in flavor for your money. Now there's an expert ready to help you find that coffee, the world's greatest coffee expert. Yes, ma'am, your husband. He's the expert we mean. Just pour him a cup of Maxwell House coffee, and when he smiles and says, best coffee I ever tasted. You know Maxwell House has the most in flavor. You know it's your best coffee buy. Tomorrow, bring home a pound of Maxwell House. See how much your husband enjoys every cup. Then count all the truly good cups of coffee you get from every pound. We think you'll agree. You do get more for your money, more flavor for your money, with Maxwell House coffee. Always good to the last drop. You know it's a funny thing about love. It picks you up and it lets you down. But somehow, well, there's always time for breakfast. Like this. Boy, has he got medals. He's got some I never even heard of. Medals. What good are medals? May I have my coffee, Margaret, please? Of course, dear. Thank you. Billy's going to write a poem about my eyes. What a drip. He says they're like lipid pools of stardust. Isn't that beautiful, Father? Oh, yes. Very original, too. Lipid pools of stardust. I'll bet he's the only guy in Springfield with a legion of honor. Isn't that right, Dad? I wouldn't know, bud. May I have the sugar, Kathy? Kathy, may I please have the sugar? Frere Jacques. Kathy. Dormez. Tell the kids it's a hot favorite with hoppy. That's hot post-tweet meal. And if you have trouble getting the youngsters to eat a hot cereal, just tell them how much hop along Cassidy loves that rich brown hot post-tweet meal. Post-tweet meal is chuck full of good solid nourishment. It has a wonderful nut-like flavor. It cooks in just three and a half minutes. And tell the kids it's hoppy's favorite, hot post-tweet meal. You'll see. You'll all agree. It's the best hot cereal you ever ate. Join us again next week when we'll be back with Father Knows Best, starring Robert Young as Jim Anderson with Roy Bargy in the Maxwell House Orchestra and yours truly, Bill Foreman. So until next Thursday, good night and good luck from the makers of Maxwell House, America's favorite brand of coffee. Always good to the last drop. Father Knows Best was transcribed in Hollywood and written by Ed James. Now stay tuned in for Dragnet, which follows immediately over most of these stations. Exciting Dragnet is next. Three times mean good times on NBC.