 J-E-L-L-O! The Jell-O program, starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens a program with night after night. Our night, ladies and gentlemen, all over the country, thousands of folks will be sitting down to dinner with Jell-O for dessert. Now, a few of these folks will be enjoying Jell-O for the first time. So if you've never tried this grand dessert yourself, why not join them? So many people like Jell-O that we think you will, too. For one thing, you like the way it looks, because Jell-O cuts a fancy figure on any table. Then you'll go in a big way for that well-known, extra-rich flavor. That sunny, satisfying goodness of Jell-O is downright inviting as fresh, juicy, delicious fruit. So tomorrow night, for a mighty extra special treat, serve Jell-O. It's great with tasty nuts and fruit molded in, or you can serve it up in smooth, velvety Jell-O creams and Jell-O whips. Easy directions for a variety of grand desserts are in each box. And also on each box are those famous big red letters. Always look for them to be sure of getting your favorite and America's favorite gelatin dessert, Jell-O. Tonight played by the orchestra. Now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you our genial master of ceremonies, a man who eats Sunday night at this time. Hold it, Don. Hold it. Jack isn't here yet. He isn't? Well, where is he? He's out in the hall talking on the telephone. I'll go get him. What for? Introduce me, Don. I can give out with that MC stuff. MC meaning much corn. Nothing to him, Phil. I'm going out and get Jack. Yes, Mary. Tell him we're on the air. Okay. Operator, that's Zabisco. Gladys Zabisco. Z-Y-B-Y-S-K-O. Yeah, she's visiting her folks in Azusa. A-Z-U-S-A. No operator. A-Z-U-S-A. No, no. USA. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. That's it. Now hurry, will you, please? Well, fellas, there's no use waiting for Jack. He's trying to get his girlfriend on the telephone. You mean Gladys? That's her. Boy, he's plenty stuck on that little waitress, isn't he? He's sure a sweet tour. Anything to get out of tipping. You said it. Now, wait a minute, Phil. Jack's pretty serious about that girl. Have you noticed how he's spruced up lately? He's so neat and well-groomed. Flower in his buttonhole. And that hair tonic, pew. Ah, that's love, all right. As the Greeks say, l'amour to joures from very pie. Ha, ha, ha. How's that? I better go out and get Jack again. Yeah, hurry up, Barry. Look, Operators, the Biscoe. Z-Y-B-Y-S-K-O. I told you, she's visiting her folks in Azusa. A, it's in the directory. Her father's name? Z. Zeke Zbiscoe. He works for the Zenith Zipper Company. No, I'm not kidding. Hey, Jack, John is waiting to introduce you. Tell him I'll be there in a minute. But we're on the air. Tell him to stall a little bit. Hello? Hello? What? Well, where's the operator I was talking to? She went to lunch? Well, look, Miss, here's the story. I'm trying to get Miss Gladys Zbiscoe. Z-Y-B-Y. Well, he's still out of fellas. He can't even get Gladys on the phone. But we've got to get the show started. Then go ahead and introduce me, Don. I'll gul him. OK. And now, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, we bring you that noble coward of the Jell-O program, Phil Harris. Jell-O again, this is smiling Phil Harris talking. And thanks very much, Don, for that lovely introduction. You know, Don, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the studio this afternoon. A panhandler asked me for a nickel for a cup of coffee. A nickel for a cup of coffee, huh? Yeah, so I gave him the nickel, and he gave me the coffee. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, how's that, Mary? I'd like to give you some coffee with a Mickey in it. That's the trouble with this gang. They don't appreciate anything subtle. You're about as subtle as Olson and Johnson. I'm going to try and get Jack. S-K-O Zbiscoe. For heaven's sake. Yeah, she's visiting her folks in Azusa. Hey, Jack. Quiet, Mary. But Phil is starting to tell jokes. Oh, my goodness. Hurry, operator. It's a matter of life and death. Look, Mary, tell Don to do a commercial or something until I, hello? Hello? Hello, Gladys? Darling. Oh, pardon me, sir. Wrong number. Operator, you gave me the wrong number. No, I don't want to give up. I want to talk to Gladys Zbiscoe. Why don't you send a carrier pigeon? I didn't. She ate it. Now look, operator. Look, you're a lovely girl and it's been fun knowing you. I've got a broadcast to do, and I'd like to talk. Of course I know someone else, but she happens to be my fiance. I'm her itsy-bitsy-lammy pie. So debt me the number for twyin' out loud. Please, operator. Jack, what are we going to do? Mary, don't bother me. Have Phil play a number or something. OK. Here's another one, folks. Say, Don, how do you make a thin boy fast? I don't know, Phil. How do you make a thin boy fast? Throw him out of a window, and he'll come down plump. Very good, Phil. And now, folks, the next joke will be a number by Phil Harris and his orchestra. What about Jack? Oh, he'll be out in a minute. Play, Phil. OK. And now, folks, we're going to play a brand new number entitled, You've Worked Hard Enough For Me, Dear Mother. Now go out and work for yourself. Yeah. Quick, boys, the flip. She's over at the neighbor's taking a bath. As soon as she gets back, have her give me a ring. Now remember, Mr. Biscoe, be sure and tell Gladys to call me. By the way, how is Mr. Biscoe? Oh, that's too bad. Well, who did it? Oh, you did it. I hope he gets better. How much was the call? 40 cents? And here's a dime. And here's a quarter. Return the other one, offer. Your neighborhood grocer, and ask him for a package of jello. It is economical, easy to make, and comes in six delicious flavors. Hello, fellas, sorry to interrupt. So look for the big red ladders on the box. They spell Jello. Hello, fellas, sorry that I'm here. And Jello spells a treat. My goodness, Jack. Oh, excuse me, Donna. Sorry I kept you waiting, fellas, but I was trying to call Gladys. She wasn't home. Oh, stepping out with someone else, huh? She was not. She just went to the neighbors to, uh, to, well, the lady next door was holding a bridge party, and Gladys went over to make a fourth. And while she was dummy, she took a bath. Oh, eavesdropping, eh, Mary? Well, at least Gladys was not with another fella. There's one thing I can say about that girl. She's only attached to one person at a time. She's like a police dog. You said it. I mean, she's true to me. Well, perhaps I shouldn't say this, Jack, but I dropped into Ginsburg's restaurant the other day, and when Gladys brought me my sandwich, she winked at me. Gladys winked at you? Absolutely. With her right eye or left eye? Her left eye. Well, that's the one that twitches. That's nerves, Don, not romance. Let's forget about my private life. Hey, Jack, tell them what happened last sunny night when you took Gladys to the Trocadero. You weren't with us. No, but I saw you there. Well, what about it, Mary? Well, last Sunday after the broadcast, Jack told me he was stepping out with Gladys. Oh. Well, right after she got through working, he picked her up and took her to the Trocadero for dinner. Ha, ha, ha. It's not so funny. So what happened? Jack ordered fried chicken, and Gladys went out in the kitchen and got it. Ha, ha, ha. She's just a little absent-minded, that's all. Anyhow, we had a marvelous time. Gladys and I won the jitterbug contest, didn't we? Sure, but you had to drink a bottle of Tabasco sauce to do it. Boy, was I hot. Anyhow, we won the contest, and I have the cup. I bet you've got a geranium in it already. I have not. That cup is on the mantelpiece right next to my Academy Award statue. Your Academy Award? Yeah. Hey, wait a minute. When did you ever get an Academy Award statue? Last Thursday night, I won it from Spencer Tracey in a craft game. He's got oodles of them. And let me tell you another thing. Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. And let me tell you another thing, Phil Harris. I got just as good a chance of winning the Academy Award this year as Jimmy Stewart. You're right, Mr. Benny. Thanks, Dennis. Why, Jack, what are you talking about? I'm talking about my chance of winning the Academy Award. It's a cinch. Well, it's no cinch, but I've got a pretty good chance. Wait a minute, Jack. Wait a minute. Did you see Jimmy Stewart and Mr. Smith goes to Washington? Sure, but did you see Jack Benny and Man About Town? I suppose I gave a bad performance. Don't admit it, Mr. Benny. Dennis, whose side are you on? Sometimes I wonder why I don't hire a tenor with brain. You'd have to pay him. Dennis, here's a yo-yo. Go and have fun. Now listen, fellas, if you'll cut out this argument and settle down and act like human beings, I've got something very important to tell you. What is it, Jack? Are you sure you're in a mood to listen? Yeah, what's on your mind, Jackson? Well, I'll get this, everybody. Next Sunday night, we're going to do our program from Oakland, California. And it's for the benefit of President Roosevelt's infantile paralysis fund. We're going to broadcast from a big auditorium seating over 9,000 people. I could pack that by myself. Oh, sure, sure. Phil, the only time you ever entertained over 9,000 people at once was when you sang Sweet Adeline at the Rose Bowl game. And for an encore, you were thrown out. Remember? Oh, yeah. What a game. 22 players on each side. Yeah. Anyway, kids, as I have friends in both Oakland and San Francisco, I'm leaving very early tomorrow morning. We're driving up in the Maxwell, eh, Mary? Not me, eh, Jack? Don't worry, Mary. That car ought to run a little better now. I had the carbon removed in the valve's ground. Well, that you lop, he needs is a molded milk with an egg in it. That's so. Well, just for that, you'll ride up on the train. Now, fellas, I'm going home now and start packing because I want to leave about 5 AM. Well, run along, Jack. We can take care of the rest of the show. OK, thanks, John. Mary, do you still want to come along and help me pack? Sure, but, gee, Jack, you were out in the hall for half the show, and now you want to go home. What about it? Won't our sponsor object? Oh, no, he never listens to our program. He thinks the sun rises and sets with a phantom pilot. Well, so long, fellas. Mary, get me a cab, will you? OK. Oh, Mr. Benny, Mr. Benny. What is it? There's a phone call out here from Azusa. Oh, yes, I've been expecting that. Excuse me, fellas, I'll see you all next week. Gee, I can hardly wait to talk to her. Hello? Hello, Gladys? Hello? Operator, you cut me off. Hey, Jack, the cab is waiting. I'll be there in a minute. Look, operator, I was getting a call from... Hello? See, what an awful time. Hello? Unless I hit the pot of gold. For me, we can eat when we get to my house. I don't like to eat at driving stands when I'm in a taxi. That click, click, click of the meter gives me indigestion. I don't know how Gladys can go out with a fellow like you. Is that so? Well, let me tell you something, Mary. Gladys understands me. And furthermore, she's not a gold digger. She cost me plenty. I'm not talking to you, driver. Just roll up that window and mind your own business. Oh, you want a neck, huh? No, I don't want... You hear that, Mary, that guy just talked himself out of a quarter tip. He couldn't spend it anyway. Not that one. Pull up here, driver, this is the house. Okay. There it is on a meter, $1.10. I mean $1.20. Now, wait a minute. When you stopped, it was only $1.10. I know, but it just clicked to $1.20. I don't care. I had one foot out of the cab. So don't tell me. Oh, pay him, Jack. There's Ronald Colmer looking out of his window. Not to Ronald Colmer. Here's $1.10 and a 10-cent tip. Take it any way you want it. Come on, Mary, the nerve of that guy. Oh, I must speak to Mr. Coleman. Hello, Ronald. Close the window. It must be colder than I thought. Yeah, something like that. Where's my key? Oh, here it is. Let me have your coat, Mary. I'll hang it up. Is that you, cousin Lancelot? Lancelot? No, Rochester. This is Mr. Benny. No relation. Cousin Lancelot. Oh, hello, boys. Hello, Ms. Limsden. Hello, Rochester. Rochester, I told you a thousand times to keep your cousin out of this house. We're writing a play together. I don't care if you are. I don't want them around. What's the name of the play? Gone with the gin. Write it on your own time. Say, Jack, you want me to help you with your packing. Let's get started. OK, Mary. Here, take this grip and put my socks and shirts in it. All right. Oh, Jack, look at all the labels. You got pasted on this suitcase. Why don't you take some off? Why should I have traveled all around? I want people to know it. I know, but gee, look at them. Savoy Hotel London, Shepherd's Hotel Cairo, Ritz Carlton, Paris, Imperial Hotel Bombay, and Bluebell Auto Court, Glendale. How did that get on there? I've never been there in my life. Hey, Rochester, how did this auto court sticker get on my suitcase with the rest of those labels? They all came in one package. Well, next time, read them first. Oh, Mary, put my pajamas in there, too. OK, do you want the tops or the bottoms? Both. It may be chilly in Oakland. There, that's fine. Thanks, Mary. I'm hungry. I'm going out in the kitchen and got something to eat. All right, you'll find some cold pot roast in the ice box. Uh-oh. What are you o-o-ing about? After dinner last night, there was four pounds and eight ounces of pot roast left. Exactly. How do you know? He weighs it in and out like a jog. Well, it's about time I started to keep track of things around here. Now, go in and help yourself, Mary. You'll find a great big piece of pot roast in the ice box. It wasn't so big, because the last lot got it between two slices of bread. They did. I'll talk to you later about that, Rochester. I know what you can have, Mary. There's some tuna fish left over from lunch. Never mind. Go ahead. No, just give me a nickel, and I'll get an apple out of your machine. OK, here you are. Gee, I might as well give them away. Now, Rochester, we're going to be gone over a week, so we ought to make some arrangements about Carmichael and Trudy. I already fixed it for the polar bear and the ostrich to stay in the pet shop. That's good. And I guess our border, Mr. Billingsley, will get along all right until we come back. Now, don't forget, Rochester, we've got to leave at 5 o'clock in the morning, so we better get up at 4. 4 o'clock in the AM? Yes, just as the sun is peeping over the mountain. When it comes out in the open, notify me. You'll get up at 4 o'clock the same as I do. We've got about a 10-hour ride ahead of us. You expect to make Oakland in one day with that car? Why, certainly. It's easy. Boss, this country needs that kind of optimism. Rochester, don't always be running down my car. Last time we went to Palm Springs, you said it would take us all day, and we made it in four hours. Yeah, but how often do you get a win like that? All right, just pack my bags and let me do the worrying. OK, what suits do you want to take along, Mr. Benny? Let me see. I want my brown check, my blue pinstripe, and the one you're wearing. Now, hurry up with it. Oh, good evening, Mr. Billingsley. Good evening, Mr. Benny. Are you getting all set for your trip? Yes, yes. I'm leaving first thing in the morning. By the way, Mr. Billingsley, I don't want to seem impertinent or anything, but this is the first time I've seen you and you weren't a bit under the weather. Well, I've been on the wagon now for over two weeks. Congratulations, Mr. Billingsley. Say, what made you give up drinking? Well, to tell the truth, Mr. Benny, I kept seeing a polar bear and an ostrich running around here. Oh, I know when I've had enough. Well, it's rather difficult to explain, Mr. Billingsley, but I really have a polar bear and an ostrich. You have? Yes. Well, then let's roll out the barrel. And not now. I've got to get up very early. Good night, Mr. Billingsley. Good night. I wonder if I threw out all my sterno. He's an awfully nice fellow. What are we charging him, Rochester? $6 a week with a continental breakfast. Well, cut it down to $5.50. The coffee is awfully weak here. Besides, he's so charming. Oh, hello, Mary. I see you made yourself a sandwich. What kind is it? Caviar. Oh? Where'd you find that can of caviar? Right in the flower bin where you hid it. Oh, yes, that was for my birthday party. I was going to have a treasure hunt. I'll bet. Now, Rochester, before we go, be sure that all the windows are locked and leave a note for the milkman. He's been leaving us notes lately. I paid that. Now, be sure and take care of everything. Oh, Mary, sit on this suitcase, will you, until I snap it shut. OK. Answer the phone, Rochester. Put more weight on it, Mary. Hello? What was that, Rochester? Something about Azusa. We don't know nobody there. Azusa? For heaven's sake, that was my girl Gladys. Give me that phone. Hello? Hello, operator. A call just came from me from Azusa. I said, Azusa. No, no, honey, they're calling me. Are you the same operator I've been talking to all day? Well, look, friend. Look, let me ask you something. Did you ever see a picture called Alexander Graham Bell? Well, if you remember how that great man struggled and toyed and put in his lifeblood into perfecting an invention called the telephone. And in one day, look what you've done to it. Now, aren't you ashamed of yourself? Look, operator, let's try once more. It's not tough. Really, it isn't. Now, the town, the town is Azusa. A-Z-U-S-A. The name is Zabisco. Gladys Zabisco. Z-Y-B-Y-S-K-O. No, no, honey. Z-Y-B-Y-S-K-O. And remember, housewife, is to keep meals interesting. And one swell way to do this is to serve desserts that have a definite touch of novelty about them. Desserts like jello, lime, and cherry cubes. This grand new treat is just what its name indicates. Tiny, brilliant, red and green cubes of delicious lime and cherry jello tumbled together in a masterpiece of rich, zestful flavor. To make it, use one package each of lime and cherry jello. Dissolve each package in one pint of hot water. Then turn into shallow pans and chill. Confirm, cut into cubes. Fill sherbet glasses half full with cherry cubes. Add a second layer of lime cubes. Then garnish with snowy whipped cream and the results, a striking two-tone dessert, alive with all the tart tempting flavor of fresh, juicy, sea green limes and ruby red cherries. So tomorrow for dinner, serve this marvelously new and different dessert, jello, lime, and cherry cubes. This is the last number of the 16th program in the current jello series. And we will be with you again next Sunday night at the same time with our friends in Oakland and San Francisco. Oh, Mary, Jack. What? Your special delivery letter just came for you. It's from Andy Devine. Oh, you opened it, eh? Let's see that. Oh, listen to this, fellas. Dear Buck, I'm on the road now making personal appearances. Right now I'm at the Colonial Theater, Dayton, Ohio, and next week I'll be at the Chicago Theater in Chicago. Yours truly, Andy Devine. P.S., if you feel like reading this over the air, it's okay with me. Well, well, I wonder if he ran into Schlepperman on the road. Good night, folks. J.P.L.L.O.O. This is the National Broadcasting Company.