 Hi you guys, I am doing two complaining videos today And as I'm speaking I have not decided which one I'm gonna start with and I think we're gonna go with career for 500 It's been a while since I've done one of these videos And I was inspired to do it because Jared has been doing these monthly recap videos on my second channel Or maybe on this channel depending on where I decided to post it All that hit that rage that fuck man. I should have made it five years ago You know what I'm saying and this wouldn't even be a problem You know what I'm saying all that gut all that feeling Pack that shit into here and it makes What I what I do and what I feel so much more real this month has been a really awesome interesting slow discouraging crazy not busy month for me I May take this hat off because it's gonna be one of those things We're gonna keep putting it back on my head which is distracting for everybody I've come to a realization That I put into a metaphor that I'm gonna continue to use because it really helps to describe how I feel that I'll never Stop kicking the ball. I don't want to say never say never But I definitely have one of those careers that makes sense I don't have one of those careers that you're like, whoa, you were just there and now you're there How'd you get there like you guys saw me Walking the whole time and like you look at your window You're like, oh, she's just still there and you went and got tea chilled called your home We talked to your mom for a minute came back to the window and like I was only like marginally up the street at that point That's enough. That's enough It's like 10 seconds in and I can't do it anymore And so I was saying to my sister at the start of this year that what's a little disheartening to know is that for me? I never have to stop kicking the ball I kind of feel like I'm playing this game of soccer and I have all this stuff on my back and I've carried Everything with me. I'm in this game and I'm committed to this game and like it's all on the line And then I walk over that ball and I get there and I kick it and it moves and I stand there and I watch Hoping it'll keep rolling and then it stops and then I have to pick up all my stuff Walk over to the ball and kick it again, and then I kick it and it rolls and it stops And knowing this the lesson I kind of learned in all that is I have to really stop expecting the ball to keep rolling I have to really stop Expecting and watching to see what the ball will do I almost at this point have to assume that I'm gonna have to kick it again So I just just keep walking. You know, I should never stop the momentum. I should just keep grinding And that's a little exhausting So at the start of this year something really exciting was happening first time ever guys as putting out my own show And a lot of you guys have always said like I want you to have your own show and dream of your own show This was it, you know was on a brand new platform So mind you maybe it didn't get the big like cachet that deserve because of the fact that you know It's in a space that you guys aren't familiar with but this company named full screen Which is a streaming service invested in my idea and they made me executive producer and they gave me a writing credit And they gave me a hosting credit and it was a hundred percent my brainchild And I worked together with a really great show owner named Eric rush who put it together Amazingly so it was honestly the perfect mix because it was my idea my passion my vision and my executive decision But his experience his contacts. It was really pretty much, you know done nicely for me And it was just me who had to say yay or nay. It was an amazing opportunity but it was an opportunity that You know, it wasn't that massive tsunami. It was just in another another wave in the ocean and I did that Opportunity and I had that experience and I kind of expected the first time that my show would come out for it To be a big deal for there to be press around it or something massive And it was just like kind of like Monday when it happened any other Monday um And it was a bittersweet leading up to the opportunity of my show coming out guys I felt really really queasy and anxious and I kind of love Those feelings to be honest with you and I was saying that to a friend of mine that Whenever you're in that space of discomfort or anxiety or you know of A form of depression or just deep sadness. It's an opportunity for you to really get to know yourself I'm not emotionally unstable. So most of the times when I feel something there's a root reason for that, you know These disorders like depression or mania, for example Are when the stimulus does not match the feeling or the response you have to it So when for example postpartum depression is when you have a baby and you're excited and you're happy You're so thrilled to have this beautiful Creature that you could to call your own you know into this world But because of the fact that there has been a drastic drop in hormones in your body you naturally feel down It doesn't match how you think you should feel or how you actually feel But you can't help but feel down that says as a result of a chemical imbalance Um, so that is when you know when you have these deep feelings of sadness these deep feelings of hysteria If you have an emotional instability, you know, you may not need to do the same Assessment of yourself of like why because really could be no reason why and that's okay Um, but for me because I do not experience That's just not one of those things I struggle with whenever I do experience anxiety whenever I do experience great sadness There's always a root reason sometimes. I'm not aware of it So in this circumstance the start of the year happened I came back to la and I was really glad to be back and this is the first time in my life That I really understood the word or term family Being away from Jared for Christmas was really difficult for me And my family has their own families, you know, my sister has her own family My mom and dad have their own unit everybody has their own And I'm kind of like the added who's there, you know as a guest really and No one gets me a Christmas gift Which you know the course I'm not going to because they get each other stuff And so it was one of those things where I was like man like my family is here in la My family is what I am building, you know with Jared that that unit That we have each other's back and then we go to other families and become a bigger family But that really is my family So I came back to la with this, you know renewed sense of like, okay Like this is really really home and home is home in a different sense now in a more of a ceremonial sense la is home In an actual literal sense But the year started out really slow Like honestly not knowing what to do certain days and it was a great opportunity for me Of course to focus on youtube, which is a amazing blessing And I will never ever turn my back on youtube because of the fact that it always keeps you relevant It always gives you a space to have a voice and so I started back of course doing youtube videos But there was nothing really else happening and then my show is coming out and there's nothing really Happening leading up to that. There's no real hype or anticipation. There's no press conferences It's just like me knowing I'm going to do this thing and looking for it to be something grand Because I want it to be but it just really not um And so that anxiety just kind of was me realizing that like man like this is not the big bang It's another brick on the path. Maybe it's three bricks Maybe it's you know a larger brick this time But it really is just another brick on the path and I had to keep kicking the ball And so when the show came out, I was writing a bunch of people, you know press contacts that I have made You know trying to come up with a way to promote it and I just I literally got nothing back in return Like no traction no bites Some people didn't even respond which is disheartening because you know when they need you for something You respond to them and then in return when you want to continue that dialogue You just get nothing this and I always say that about the experience of pursuing entertainment People think it's a lot of rejection, you know the cat you deal with all that rejection I'm like rejection would be a luxury you get silence You know a lot of the times you hear nothing back you go on these great meetings and connect with somebody and I wanted a meeting In December where I was like in tears In the meeting not out of like this is going shitty Mayday out of tears of like I really connected with the project and I connected with the head of the project and I felt like we were really gelling and Silence afterwards, you know what I mean? Like I have no idea what that project is doing where that person is Mind you it's really not personal It's usually that they've moved on the industry moves quickly that project could actually be canned right now Who knows what it is? But you know silence is is the mark of of hollywood I think a lot of people go crazy in the silence because it is so still here There really is no like flow or current It's like it's like the middle of the ocean and that's how I would describe la It's the middle of the ocean It's a stillness But like you can kind of see that there's like a boat over there There's stuff happening and you can kind of see in the distance that there's like a shore where people are partying Like you don't really know how to get there Because there's no current taking you you're kind of just sitting and like waiting And you don't really know what direction to swim in people end up swimming in circles for that reason So that was kind of the harsh realization for the start of this year And today for example, I'm going on a meeting with my agency and I've been with my agency now for a year and It's kind of just like a moot relationship, which is fine You know, I have a great relationship with my management team And so you know, you really can't have that cohesiveness with everybody But I'm going today to be like Okay, guys You know, we you gotta find that what next and it's not like other people are coming to me without what next It has to be me who picks up myself and walks over to that ball and tells everyone okay I'm gonna kick the ball now like Let's kick it together. Can we can we get a crowd cheer going here? That's just the way that it's gonna have to be So I wanted to tell anybody right now I guess who's struggling with something similar who feels the stillness of January or the stillness of Wherever it is that you're watching this video where it feels like Where is the momentum? It feels like what is the momentum and who gets that? You know, where are these people where it's just one after the next with the next the next And then there's a steady climb and the next thing you know, they get this three picture deal and life is just awesome and sailing There are people like me out there Who love it, you know, I love every moment I'm so grateful. I have an amazing life and I did a video where I was just like A couple months ago just crying for how grateful I am for the life that I live and the partner that I have in the home The apartment that I have, you know worked for and Grateful enough to gotten opportunities to got me this far at the end of the day I could kick the ball and the ball could not move I could kick the ball and it could go out of bounds I could kick the ball and it goes to the opposing team and I never get a chance again I am extremely fortunate that I do get time after time after time to continue to work towards that goal and continue to try to get To the end zone or whatever that may be and maybe there really isn't one I'm still trying to figure that out and finding the joy in that discovery Sure, I wish it was easier. Sure. I wish There was more flow to it You know, sure, I wish I was invited to certain parties or I was let in on certain circles Or my access was growing, you know as my opportunities grew But it's not that way So you got to find the find the lesson in that and find the joy in that and so the I want you guys If you do feel the stillness right now and if you are feeling a little bit Down because you don't feel like there's the wind at your back Kick the ball Success Is not about the biggest wave the ocean Is a continuous cycle of little waves little currents that is what creates rocks into sand It's that non-stop resilient beating against the shore that just never ever ceases those massive waves that come Yes, they do damage and they make the news and they're like big and shiny and then surfers ride them and they're exciting Um, but that's not really what makes change. That's not really what changes the earth's surface It's the consistent little ones Some of us are consistent little waves. Some of us are big tsunamis Some of us are a series of small waves and a couple of tsunamis here and there Um, it doesn't matter the the main thing though Is accepting whatever your routers or whatever it is that nature has intended for your path to be And just fitting in that space. I know what my space is. It's it's the consistency And so that's why youtube is an amazing space for me And I encourage you guys to find whatever that is for you The biggest thing that you can do when you feel stagnant Start your own game If you don't feel like anyone's passing you the ball in the game that you're in right now Start your own game. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing soccer by myself and I'm okay with that I actually enjoy my company profusely. So that's all right Um, whatever you can do in this exact moment to gain control of your future and of your next step Do that thing as small as it is one of the biggest things that I do. I think has led to my Steady growth over time is breaking up my life into very small tasks and Jared and I have this debate Constantly because he's a big picture dreamer. I do not have a big dream guys. I never really have like I just have a dream for tomorrow. I have a goal for what I want to accomplish today I'm a very small and maybe you know, I mean as I said that out loud me That's the reason why I am it is a slow process is because I'm not focusing the big goal I'm focusing the little ones and so I conquer a lot of little things, but the big massive things Maybe I'm not giving enough energy towards who knows But I'm a small Doer like my to-do lists literally say shower on them like I keep it simple So I know I can cross off something at the end of the day and feel like okay I set out to do this one thing today and I did just that and that process may work for you as well too Thank you guys so much forever for whoever did now. I don't want to minimize the fact that Even though the full-screen show didn't get me a spot on Good Morning America And you know may not be a nominated for a shorty award What it did do was affirm that I know what I'm doing that a lot of the time and effort and work and energy I've spent into researching This area can actually be applied to real life and those lessons can be transferred on to you guys And so for everybody who watched the show and there's a lot of you guys And so I do not want to take away from the fact that you showed up for me and I fucking love you for that I was sitting on the other day on a skype call with this girl Because I do you know I interview with anybody I really do so if you have the Blog or a a twitter account that you do interviews on you can always hit me up on my booking account And just you know, we can always chat and talk if you want one-on-one counseling Of course there's a fee attached to that or if you want one-on-one mentoring that's specific to your career There's a fee attached to that but you just want to ask questions and figure out who I am on a different level You can always contact me. It's free. There's no charge to that So I was talking with this young girl who was in college and just explain telling her my story and answering some of her questions And then in the end of the interview she says to me like I want you to know when you look at that number, you know 220,000 subscribers There's at least a hundred of me You know who you have impacted in a really deep and meaningful way and who you have made our lives better And you have made our conversations richer, you know, don't ever forget that when you look at that number Sometimes it can feel like you're just trying to collect apples. They're really people, you know there What a just a really beautiful reminder That I have to remain vigilant and grateful towards for your time and your energy and your effort Into making my dreams come true simply by being here right now by watching this video You are a massive piece in the puzzle And some of your names I know and some of your names I don't know but overall Thank you for that and thank you for witnessing this very slow Very slow soccer game um Very slow soccer game But I'm still playing Still playing Hat back on We out this bitch It's my own home so I ain't got nowhere to go but we out this bitch