 debating about doing this video for a long time. I'm still not really sure if I've convinced myself to record this video in a very detailed way if that makes sense, but on this healing journey I am trying to be very intentional about everything I do and I am trying to not hold on to anything and not be ashamed. So here I am trying to figure out the words to start this off but really there isn't any right or wrong way to start this off. I don't even know what I'm going to title this video but before I change my mind let me just get into it. I'm probably going to edit this and upload it to be scheduled to just air at some random day or on Mother's Day or something so that I can just forget about it before I convince myself not to do it. If you watch a video I posted probably two months ago, maybe not two months ago but probably back in March titled I think intentional healing. I posted that because I really want to start sharing my healing journey on my youtube channel as well as other stuff. I just wanted to share some of the things that I was doing to help my healing process but I didn't give y'all exactly the story about what I'm healing from and why I'm on a healing journey in the first place and that's because I was not ready to really share all of that on this platform. If you follow me on the social media like Facebook or Instagram then you pretty much know or have an idea of what it is but now I'm going to share it here in some type of capacity to give you more of an insight of my personal journey. I don't want this to be a long video because I don't want to have to do too much editing so let me just get to it. So yeah I'm not going to I'm not going to do a very detailed version of it. What I am going to say is that I met my children's father in high school. We had class together and a mutual friend and introduced us. We were friends for about a year before we actually got into a relationship but I went into a relationship with him right before I went off to college. He was going to college in Texas. I was going to college in Florida so we kind of did the long-distance thing um despite the fact that I had no intentions on well despite the fact that I had already told myself that I wanted to go off to college single. I had just got out of a roller coaster of a relationship with my junior high school sweetheart and I just wanted to be free and go off alone and explore college but then he came into my life and yeah so we were together for 11 years throughout my college years we did the long-distance thing then I mean of course seeing each other in between whether he was visiting me or I was visiting him but um in 2017 we moved in together 2018 I got pregnant with my first child 2020 I got pregnant with my second child and so on. Anyways that's just a little backstory but things began to go downhill I'll say a week before I gave birth to my first child I would pinpoint that as the beginning of what I would say a downward what I would call a downward spiral of our relationship and he slowly started introducing me to a version of him I had no idea existed and because I was so used to this nice sweet supportive version of him I didn't look at a lot of the things as a red flag because I thought maybe it was something I was doing wrong or maybe we're just both trying to navigate this new normal of becoming parents in different ways. I can dive in deeper into specific things in a later video but this video is really just about what happened recently so in 2020 we decided to move back home to the virgin island in Troy from Florida. We moved back home we lived with my parents with his intentions that we would move to Ghana. I didn't want to move to Ghana but he convinced me to I'll just say that and I agreed and I did everything that needed to be done in order to get us there. A lot happened in between that time that I just can't get into right now but the night before we were supposed to leave he sexually assaulted me. I was six months postpartum with my second baby who is now my two year old his reasons for sexually assaulting me which to be honest seeing sexual sexual assault is the nice version of it because it was rape and I've been scared to say that out loud but my therapist informed me that it was rape and I I can't find the words to tell the rest of the story but in April I participated in a survivor I participated in a survivor of domestic violence exhibit that took place here locally where we took pictures pretty much headshots and we submitted a writing whether it was a poem a quote just words whatever words came to my mind we submitted that and they had an exhibit with our picture and our written piece displayed in an art gallery. So I'm going to post the picture on the screen here and I'm just gonna read what I wrote because I honestly don't know how to tell this story in this way right now like I go to therapy every week I talk to my therapist I cry I scream I write I do all these things but I'm not there like I haven't reached to the point where I can verbally talk about this in a regular casual manner if that makes sense so I'm just going to read what I wrote the title of it is that wasn't it so excuse me if I'm looking well my picture should be up on the screen right now but I'm reading from my journal and this is exactly what was posted next to my picture in the exhibit that could never be me is what most women I know would say that could never be me is what I've said that was me is what I'm saying now that was me living in survival mode hoping to make it through the day that was me trying to please him to avoid his wrath just doing as he said that was me covering the lump on my forehead the fingerprints around my neck and the dent in my chest that was me yelling please stop as he pinned me down and took advantage of me in bed that was me wiping my tears right after so I can breastfeed my baby that was me boarding a plane with him to to relocate to another country that was me trying to forget that someone I loved and trusted had sexually assaulted me that was me trying to forgive him although he never took accountability that was me cover that was me covering for him and making excuses because he's my children's father that was me slowly dying inside just to keep my family together that was me praying for a way out after he fractured my nose and threatened to kill me while growing his seed that was me leaving everything behind taking my children and playing the country that was me feeling broken a shame stupid and unworthy that was me thinking I could feel all of this trauma in one hour of therapy this is me reminding myself there's no need to rush I am no longer in survival mode I am sick I am free I can breathe I can breathe I can breathe I don't get to change what happened but I do get to take back my power rewrite my narrative and speak out for my healing no pretending no hiding I refuse to wear these scars with shame I am here I am alive I am breathing I survived so that's what I wrote for the exhibit and it pretty much says everything that happened but there's so much more to happen that I can't even get into right now but I just wanted to share with you all that there's no specific look to domestic violence I hope I'm making sense but when it's when I say it can happen to anybody it can happen to anybody and like I said in the beginning of this written piece is that that could never be me is what I used to say that could never be me is what every woman in my life I would hear say and the fact that I'm sitting here right now saying that that was me is proof that it can happen to everyone and I was scared to really I don't want to say scared but I guess there is a little bit of shame still attached to this whole thing because I feel like people will look at me and be like not her like she was so smart like why would she stay why didn't she leave this and that but like I said there's so much more to my story and it took a whole lot of therapy sessions for me to come to the point to even believe that everything that I did I had to do in order to still be sitting here I don't say this lightly that I could have been dead there was times where I really thought that that was it so the fact that I'm even sitting here right now is a blessing that I don't take for granted and I hope that me beginning to share my story would not only inspire other women to find the strength to leave a toxic situation to leave an abusive situation to not only speak out if they're living in silence or even seek help if you already left but the trauma is just too much to bear alone there is no shame in it find the help you need find the support system you need in fact comment below if you're a survivor or if you are seeking help in any way to leave a situation that is causing you harm whether it's mentally emotionally physically there's different type of abuse it's not all just physical so with that being said I'm going to end this video here I also forgot to mention that all of this actually took place on Mother's Day two years ago Mother's Day fell on May 9th so it's been two years since this happened officially so far a lot has been coming up to me my body is remembering a lot so in recording this video also I'm just trying to help the releasing process and I don't want to go back into a numb mode I want to feel everything I need to feel so that I can release everything I also want to take back the day of May 9th I'm going to take back Mother's Day in terms of what Mother's Day should be which is celebrating Mother's so on a day where I should have been celebrated I was being violated in the worst way possible it's going to take time for me to get there but this is definitely the beginning I just wanted to mention that just to give context as to why I'm even putting this out there now if you see this up that mean I did not change my mind as always to all my melanated women watching protect your womb by any means necessary and to everybody watching protect your peace by any means necessary and I say those words at the end of every video because I mean it so deeply I lived at the expense of my peace for so long I allowed him to destroy my womb for so long that now those are two things that I would never compromise the health of my womb and the sacredness of my peace I would never compromise those two things again in life anyways I hope you all enjoyed this video and you all will see me in my next one