 Welcome to today's episode of the mindset mentor podcast I'm your host Rob dial if you have not yet done so hit that subscribe button so that you never miss another Podcast episode and if you're out there you love this podcast Please give us a rating and review however you listen to us the more positive rating of views we get the more that those platforms show This podcast to people who have never heard of it before which allows us to grow and allows us to impact more lives So if you do that, I would greatly greatly appreciate it today We're gonna talk about self-love and we're gonna talk about what it is We're also gonna talk about what it is not and I'm gonna be honest with you is going to surprise you What self-love is because most people when they think of the word self-love they think I need to love myself more And they think I need to you know what self-love I need to speak better to myself I need to tell myself that I look good in these jeans. I've been doing so well I need to tell myself that I'm an amazing mother. I need to tell myself how great I'm doing how proud of myself I am and I need to tell myself that I am such a good person and although I've screwed up I forgive myself in while all of those are self-love and they are beautiful though So there's are I'm not saying those are not self-love that is not all of self-love There's a whole other side of self-love that most people don't actually know about And that's what we're gonna dive into today is you know, there's there's a self-love which is like I need to give myself a beautiful Mental verbal hug and that's what the self-love is and that is a piece of self-love But I think that that is a smaller piece of self-love than what I'm about to teach you today And all of that is true But I'll teach you the other side as well, but first let's talk about what is what is not self-love? Because a lot of people think self-love is something like having a glass of wine after a long day That is not self-love. That is the Opposite full opposite of self-love having it's self-love is not having a glass of wine after a long day Self-love is not eating fast food because you're hungry and you don't want to get hangry Self-love is not Skipping the gym because you've been working so hard lately. You've been so consistent at the gym. You can skip today That's not self-love self-love is not Having a cigarette because you had a stressful day and you quote-unquote deserve it or because your boss stressed you out Or because your co-worker stress you out any of those things none of those things that I mentioned are self-love But I think a lot of people think oh You know what I'm gonna take a self self love day And I'm gonna have you know get my hair done and get my nails done And then I'm gonna have a glass of wine and then I'm gonna watch some Netflix and I'm gonna have some ice cream That's not self-love sure taking care of yourself and going get your hair is any nails and that's fine But having a glass of wine and having ice cream and all of that stuff because maybe you've had a hard week That's not self-love They're the opposite of self-loving and some of you might be like triggered you might be like shit No, there's no way this guy's got to be wrong But follow along with me because I'll actually tell you why because a glass of wine for instance Which you know, hey, I've been known to have a glass of wine after a long stressful day as well But I came to this realization over time What it is actually doing so let's say that you had a long day The boss he was a dick, you know, he triggered you so many times your co-workers They're just a bunch of little shits, you know like it's it was one of those days Boss pisses you off co-workers piss you off and you like I just want to get home and I want to have a glass of wine Okay, let's talk about that for a second because a glass of wine is Actually, if you're dealing with stress if you're dealing with stuff going on at work a glass of wine is actually a form of numbing You are numbing your feelings. You are numbing your emotions. Now. Let me take a step back There's nothing wrong with the glass of wine and I'm gonna say this there's nothing wrong with a glass of wine I love my wine. There's nothing wrong with ice cream I think ice creams amazing as well, but you have to be very aware of how you're using it and why you're using it, right? Most adults Were never taught how to self-soothe So what do I mean by that? If you see a child that's crying? Let's say a newborn that's crying the way that they are sued is by their parents And so their parents will pick them up and they will soothe them to calm them down one of the things that I am 100% positive of with how many people I've worked with across what do we get 16 years now and All of the things that I've seen is that most people are are still as full on adults Not aware how to self-soothe how to calm down their nervous system And so what happens is because they were never taught because their parents never taught it to them because their parents Parents never taught it to them because it's never been a thing where people teach about Because the fact that they are not taught how to self-soothe they search for some external Substance to help them soothe I've done it before you ever done that before you search for something External to soothe you because we don't actually know how to soothe ourselves 100% true this happens all of the time. I see it over and over and over again, so Although a glass of wine although it may be it might be amazing is the easy way if we're using it as basically an adult pacifier Right, that's that's kind of what we use them for sometimes now friends come over and you have a glass of wine a couple glasses Why that's fine. That's not this. I'm not talking about the same thing. I'm not trying to demonize wine I'm not trying because there is no right or wrong in this But what I'm trying to help you understand is that that is not helping you improve It's the easy way out. There's no growth from think about this. I have a stressful day I'm triggered I come home and I drink a glass of wine that is the easy way There is no growth from that. Why is that because I will wake up tomorrow Exactly the same person as I was today. I learned nothing from the stressful day I did not grow and I did not personally learn to soothe my nervous system as an adult And so this is why you can see adults that Don't know how to control their emotions. They don't know how to control themselves when it comes down to you know Their stress they don't know how to control yourself with their anxiety with their anger with their emotions with their sadness They don't know how to control it So it gets to a fever pitch sometime and then it explodes in some sort of way whether that's anger yelling a fight Crying emotions extreme stress all of those things is because we're never actually taught to self-soothe So instead of a glass of wine, what would be better? Well, it's not as sexy. I'm gonna be honest with you What about to tell you is not as sexy like a glass of wine? Oh, that's sexy sit down have a glass of wine to hang out It feels good and you're soothed quite quickly What I'm gonna tell you is not sexy, but it does eventually in the long run make you Able to self-soothe and less triggered so instead of a glass of wine. What would be better? You have a bunch of energy a bunch of stress coming up. It's there stress There's stress in your body. There's extra cortisol in your body One thing you could do is you could go for a run To get out that extra energy so that the energy doesn't sit inside of your body There's one really interesting thing that happens and not enough people talk about it If you watch animals for instance on like the planes in Africa, right a lion decides to go after a gazelle And the lion goes after the gazelle and the gazelle gets away quite easily and quite quickly Well, what happens is in order for the gazelle to take off It's full on adrenaline. It's full on cortisol rushing through their body and they get if it gets away pretty easily there's still a ton of Cortisol and stress hormones inside of its body and so what it does is most animals have a way to Self-sue they have a way to get rid of that cortisol So one of the things that animals would do is they'll do this shake They'll shake really hard as a way to actually start to get rid of the cortisol more My dog for instance when he gets really stressed out. He does these really stressful yawns It's built into him and as adults. We don't know how to self-sue their selves. It's not built into us the same way So maybe you go for an extra run to get rid of all that cortisol inside of your body If that's something that you want to do go for a long walk Maybe do a 20-minute guided meditation to learn how to go from a stressful state to a calm in Common-centered state. Maybe you decide to do journaling and ask yourself Why was it what I went through that was triggering now? These are not sexy. They are harder a glass of wine is sexy It's easy, but it doesn't change anything and you don't learn anything from it You have not grown at all from that process of having the glass of wine or whatever it is that you go to to quote-unquote soothe yourself so That alone is what I want you understand is not self-love. It's not going to this thing to make you feel better What what what is self-love? That's what I want to dive into and really start to talk about you guys I see self-love as yes, the way that you speak to yourself. Yes, the way that you're going to act When you're when you're alone by yourself the things that you say inside of your head of course the the journaling that all of those things are self-love and But the way that I see it is Number one. It's being kind to yourself. Yes, of course, but number two sometimes it is tough love Sometimes it is really tough love when you have when you when you love someone like you have a really great friend For instance, like your best friend your job is not to just All of the time listen to them vent that is a part of it and you can allow them to vent But sometimes being a best friend being a good friend means calling somebody out on their bullshit It's a little bit of tough love sometimes I was having this conversation with a friend of mine the other day and they were talking about a friend of a friend who's going through a bunch of stuff and going through stuff with their relationship and with all of these things and The the friend of mine said I don't think it's my place to tell her what I see and I said Maybe it is maybe it isn't But if you don't talk to her openly about it, who is going to openly talk to her about it? Like who's the person who's openly going to discuss and allow her to have that space? Sometimes being a best friend means giving tough love it means calling somebody out on what's going on in their life and Sometimes it means with self-love calling out yourself when you're not doing what you need to be doing Sometimes I see self-love as the energy of like a tough uncle Like if you have a tough uncle or someone in your family where you highly respect them You know that they love the hell out of you and you know that whatever they tell you they're telling you from a great place He loves you, but he's not going to put up with your BS right. He's going to call you out He's going to say hey you said you're going to do this now You're not doing this what's going on with it and he's doing it because he wants to help you get back on track He loves you and wants the best fruit and he wants you to live up to your potential Right and you never question it because you know he does love the hell out of you That's the the best energy that I see sometimes for self-love if you could bring that energy to yourself You're your tough uncle is not going to be like hey you suck get your shit together wiping you gone to the gym But a lot of people talk to themselves that way when they haven't gone to the gym So instead what's he going to do is going to say hey you said you were going to do this Now you can continue on this path if you don't if you want to you can continue to live your life and Have XYZ happen and to not go to the gym when it was one of your things or to to not take care of yourself The way that you said you were going to you can continue on that path if you want to but I know you're better than that I know you deserve more and I'm going to hold you accountable to making sure that you do it that Is a form of love coming from your uncle isn't it well? You can take that and also use that exact same energy for yourself not talking down yourself not yelling at yourself Not guilting shaming yourself, but holding yourself to a level of hey. This is something that I need to do So self-love can look like talking to yourself positively and and and saying I love you and you look great And I'm proud of you of course it's those things, but it's also Self-love is going to the gym when you don't want to because you said you were going to do it self-love is Waking up early and getting in your morning routine so that you can fill your cup and feel better about yourself and Meditate and do your journaling and your reading and and have time to yourself so that you can grow and be a better person going into your day It's not sleeping in It's getting up because you said you're going to Self-love can be reading when it's easier just to scroll on your phone Self-love can be meditating after a really long stressful day Self-love is saying no to the glass of wine Saying no is saying no to the the ice cream saying no to going out with your friends when you know that you should be preparing for a Really big test that's coming around the corner. Whatever it is What I've come to find is self-love is having the discipline to do the things that make you better Self-love one of the aspects of self-love is having the discipline to do the things that make you better Right, you don't need discipline to do the easy things You don't need discipline half a glass of wine You don't need discipline to eat the ice cream you only discipline asleep it like I've never heard someone to be like Oh my gosh I'm just I need to have so much discipline just to sit and watch Netflix today. No, it's easy We always tend to go for the easy route. It's easy like think about how easy it is just to go to Netflix You just move your thumb for a second and it's on think about it easy It is to pour a glass of wine think about it easy It is to get the ice cream out of the fridge all of those things are easy You don't need discipline aka self-love because I think people think of discipline the wrong way They think you discipline a dog when he does something wrong you discipline your child whenever they hit each other Whatever it might be discipline is a form of self-love. You need discipline to do the things That are harder, but better for you You don't need discipline for the easy things That's very easy. You don't need discipline to watch Netflix You need discipline to have the wine you need discipline of the ice cream you need discipline to sleep in Takes discipline to say no sometimes. It takes discipline to wake up sometimes But both of those are a form of self-love Discipline is a form of self-love self-love is the discipline to do the things that make you better And so you've got to start looking at it and saying you know what I'm not going to work out because I don't like my body I'm going to work out because I love myself. I want more energy I want to take better care of myself and I've put my body through some shit over the years And I should at least love my body for what it's done for me. That's self-love sometimes Discipline is going you know what? I've I'm episode 12 of this show. I've just been scroll watching and watching and watching and watching it And I should go to bed because I want to wake up early in my morning routine. That's a form of self-love That's also a form of discipline and so self-love is The talking great to yourself, but it's also the discipline to do the things that make you better And that's important for you to remember next time when you're up against the resistance of should I do this Should I not do this? Is it good for me? Is it going to make me better if the answer to both of those is yes Do it that's a form of self-love is being tough on yourself to do the things when especially when you don't want to do them So that's what I got for you for today's episode if you love this episode Please share it on your Instagram stories and tag me in at Rob dial jr. R. O. B. D. I a L J R I love looking through all of the tags that I always get every single day seeing you guys on run Seeing you at the gym seeing you listening to it in the car with your kids all of that stuff So whether you want to take a screenshot of your phone and put it up there Or take a screenshot or a picture or video of whatever it is that you're doing and tag me in it Rob dial jr. I'll greatly appreciate so I can see It's just good to see you guys's faces sometimes as well because I'm just talking to a microphone and three cameras surrounding me in a room And with that I'm gonna leave the same way leave you every single episode make it your mission to make somebody else's day better I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day