 Hi everybody and welcome back to our blog from the Kama Sutra to 2020, where we look at your questions, your concerns, even your worries around all things to do with sex and sexuality. So as always we have with us today Dr. Anvita Madan Bihel. Anvita is a psychosexual therapist and she brings to your questions a psychological perspective, a clinical perspective, to add to the advice from the Kama Sutra. Welcome Anvita. Thank you Seema and welcome everyone to our blog this week. As you can probably hear there's a couple of birds chirping away outside. It's extremely good weather so it's a great day to discuss today's question which says, it comes from a man and it says, my partner and I really want to try a threesome. Is it normal to want this and to enjoy it? Is it mentioned in the Kama Sutra? We still haven't done it but we are so intrigued by this. Now before we actually get down to giving you our advice on this, I want to say to everybody who's out there listening that I really really would like you if this is something of interest to you. I really want you to listen very carefully to what we have to say about this today because yes it is one of those very common fantasies. Yes it's probably the most practiced fantasy. Yes it is also extremely arousing when people think about it and yes it is mentioned in a lot of our ancient literature. It is depicted in a lot of our ancient art. You have lots of paintings of kings surrounded by lots of women all indulging in some kind of sexual activity. You have things like Chakrapuja where there's multiple sexual partners with each person and so on but that is all art and literature and fantasy. Reality can be extremely difficult, not just difficult but extremely different. It can impact you. This particular fantasy of a threesome can impact you emotionally. It can impact you physically as well as mentally and so I think that we really need to explore this and you really need to consider what you're doing. Adwita what do you feel? So yeah as and I would say that threesome has become fairly easy and frequent because we have so many apps now where people can say we're looking for a threesome, we're looking for a certain kind of person, they talk about themselves as a couple. These apps have become important because you can then think about safety and who you're bringing in and who you're not bringing in, what type of person you're bringing in. So I just want to say that they have become common occurrence because there are lots of social media apps now that can help you with the process. However it is really important when you start thinking about threesome. There are a couple of things that we should really make sure of. One is that both people in the relationship should consent to it but more importantly want it, that it's a desire for both and not a one. And secondly we need to think about whose need are we fulfilling, like who's the third partner that's being brought into the relationship for sex. Is it in a heterosexual relationship, is it a man or a woman or in the same sex relationship are you introducing a same sex partner or a opposite sex partner and is that a fantasy. So I think it's really important to think about whose needs are being met when we think about this fantasy. I think that you've used two extremely important words. We always say when we talk about fantasies that so long as it's between two consenting adults then it should be okay. But I think it's more than just consenting adults in this. It should also be wanting adults because I think for something like this for a threesome it's one of those fantasies where consent can come out of pressure. You can say okay fine my partner really wants it etc and I'll just do this to please him or I'll do this to please her. I think the want is extremely important so that's the first thing that I want everybody to really focus in and take that word on board that it's something that both partners should want equally before you go any further. And Anvita mentions a really important point which I was going to come to about whose needs are being met because when you look at most, I'm not saying all, but most visual depictions, most literary references it is generally one man with multiple women. So it's very seldom that you get one woman with more men. So it's now it could be different reasons. I mean I think that women generally are more comfortable generally are more comfortable exploring their sexuality with both men and women so they're more more comfortable exploring a bisexuality. Straight men find it very very difficult to be with another man generally speaking. So that can be a little bit of an issue. And the other thing I find Anvita is that a lot of times if you have one man with lots of women it's considered fabulous. You have one woman saying that she wants lots of men. She is termed a slut. Yeah I sometimes worry about three sins you know are they really coming from a space of like oh this is sexual pleasure that we really desire sometimes it can smell of male sexual pleasure fantasy patriarchy you know it's about the male desire of having two women or the fantasy of seeing two women have sex. So I worry sometimes that where is it coming from you know is it really and that is why I think three sins are something that each individual should think about what their desire or fantasy is. And it's an individual fantasy because as an individual you should fantasize a threesome and who's in that threesome and you should openly communicate that with your partner and say this is my fantasy this is who I want in you know the relationship. And it could be that a woman wants a woman. I'm not saying that's not what somebody might want or a woman might want a man but it should come from you as an individual. You shouldn't just go along with your partner's fantasy and maybe you want to go along but then there should be space that your fantasy would be welcome as well. So it needs to be something that's a you know there's equality there where all fantasies are loud and explode. So Amita there's one other thing that always comes up you know people go into this fantasy it's very exciting when you first go into it and there's all this sort of newness and you know the arousal attached to it is quite intense but very often also it can happen that the emotional balance shifts and one of the people in the couple one of the couple can end up falling in love with the third person who's brought in and this has happened often enough so we know that it's a real thing that does take place in reasons. So I think this is a complex question that you could look at at multiple levels I think because I know of a lot of couples that will contract introducing a person into their relationship only for sexual purposes. They would have a clear conversation of who they fantasize you know what kind of fantasy they have and the person who comes into their relationship might change all the time so that you know it mitigates some of the emotional attachment but as we think about it but as a couple if you're deciding to introduce someone that is known to you or you introduce someone that you think you want to consistently bring in for love making and not change the third person then yes you know you need to as a couple explore what's the reason behind it does it trouble one of you that you know your partner is suggesting somebody that's known to you is that does that lead to some relationship issues or if you bring in the same person again and again is there a risk like you were mentioning of the emotional attachment? Yeah I think it is something that people really need to explore because they don't really give it enough thought it's like I said you know it's just such a common fantasy people jump into it because it's so rousing they can do it both partners are wanting it but it can lead to a lot of other issues and I think the underlying point has to be the underlying the bedrock has to be about trust because when I think about couples who've tried threesomes you know there are different reasons for bringing somebody else so when when you choose the third person you're going to bring in is it going to be a man or a woman is it going to be satisfying this person's need or this person's need and also then how do you choose this person do you say well actually you know what I've always fantasized about making love to this type of body type or this type of person you know it's somebody who looks like this and so on what does that do long term to your other partner do they start to feel a little bit so let down that they don't have this thing that obviously turns you on so much is that something that can cause a problem as well yeah and you know so threesomes can be a very exposing process and we need to really think about it for that reason it's exposing to you as an individual so do you hold insecurities are you are they self-esteem issues are they self-doubts do you feel insecure on certain you know parts of your body personality sex you know how you are a sexual partner so at an individual level it's exposing it's exposing as a partner because suddenly you will see if your partner how good your partner is at sex right like because there's a third person now and they're in the mix and does that person kiss better than your partner so you're exposing your partner and then you're exposing your relationship in some ways because suddenly is the rhythm between you and your partner a miss and your rhythm with the third person better so there are all these risks involved in it so as a relationship I think you have to be at a very mature trusting great communication your relationship should be a very strong point to try something like this because otherwise you're introducing a lot of points of exposure and vulnerability to your relationship so we want to just make a point when when Anvita says mature we don't necessarily mean mature people age-wise we mean mature people mature emotionally so the relationship has to be mature not the age yeah so you should be a partner that is comfortable seeing your partner with another man or a woman right like it's not something that you suddenly become jealous about it or start feeling uncomfortable about it or you know in the moment you're like oh this is a great fantasy but the fantasy ends like the love making ends and the next day you're making comments about how how much fun they had and how they can't believe they had so much fun in a threesome and what kind of man or woman they are to enjoy it so you need to be really comfortable with this idea and you should like for me I think what what how I would play it out is that once I engage in a threesome it should be that visual should excite me each time like it should be something that I remember as a memory thinking oh my god that like that's exciting it shouldn't be a memory where you think oh that was just like that's a really troubling image that's a really troubling image that I'm seeing my partner with someone because you can't unsee it no you know once it happens it's there it's in your memory you have that visual for a lifetime so just be sure that that's something that excites you rather than you know and you wouldn't know that because obviously you need to be in it to have that visual but I think there's something like if there's any doubt then don't engage it you know so you know really be sure that that's your fantasy and that you're completely comfortable because at the end of the day it's seeing your partner engaging in sex with somebody else so you should completely be comfortable with that idea you know it's interesting again because a lot of times it's one partner so again I'm just taking a stereotypical situation let's say the man who's very very excited by it he convinces the woman in his relationship his partner that she wants to try it as well she says no but he convinces her eventually they both go go into it consenting and wanting but eventually the woman finds that she enjoys far more than the man does and like you said the next day you have the man who's not feeling that comfortable about it and now is starting to point fingers and saying oh you were having a great time there you were you were into you know what kind of woman likes it etc and then once again the start shaming starts yeah and and so you know to our point initially like we need to be and and when we don't want a mature relationship there are three equal partners in the three some you know it is a fantasy between three people and all the needs of all three people and the desires of all three people should be taken care of and also there should be no judgment of that person you know so if you shouldn't judge what they liked what they didn't like you should be comfortable I think you should also communicate what is you know there should be a whole conversation between couples saying this is what I want from the three some this is what I like if there are things that are very intimate that you as a couple have and you will not feel comfortable that your partner engages in the same way with the third person communicate say that you know because you think that that's really special between the two of you and you wouldn't ever want your partner to engage in that way with someone else then say that at the beginning not like during or after so be upfront about what you're okay with what you're contracting to what is all right and that contract is as important for the person you're introducing into the relationship a lot of times people think oh they can get that third person because that's not okay for my wife to do all that's not okay for my husband to do but that third person who's coming in can do everything for them right and they might try out sexual fantasies that are really not maybe attractive or nice or you know there's a lot of times people want to try BDSM so they'll introduce a third person but get the consent that that third person is also interested in BDSM all those sexual fantasies so they should be a contract they should be a communication they should be consent and want for what you're going to engage in once you do engage in the threes you know under the eye talk a lot about energies and I just want to say that from an energy point of view now again it can go both ways because when two people make love they exchange a lot of their energy even when they kiss when you kiss mouth to mouth you exchange each other's energies within yourselves now you're introducing a third person into this mix aside from the fact that in today's day and age they can be carrying any number of STDs or other things that may not be very good for you physically but you are introducing a third energy into your relationship and this can go either way I mean this energy can completely unbalance what you already have or it can actually complete you it can be the circuit that was needed to complete you it can go either way so I just think that in terms of energies you know when when people talk about excitement and fantasy and arousal and wanting to try new things we're always saying we are not judgmental about it but I do think that this is something that we really need to focus and think about because it has an impact at so many different levels I mean energies are a real thing and they do impact us tremendously of course they do because you know we might prefer the style of love making that somebody else is coming in with or we might actually completely hate it but like we were saying before it exposes a lot of the cracks that might already be present I can assure you that those cracks are not there because the third person came those cracks existed and you're now seeing them because of the third person so there is a risk involved I think you should think about the risk the risk could be wonderful and you could have a great sexual you know pleasurable experience or it could actually go the other way where it might jeopardize some parts of your relationship so be very sure of engage you know before you engage in it so Amita is there something that you can suggest to ease people into this we've said right at the start that fantasies are good for you and particularly if you are not injuring yourself or somebody else you're not being aggressive either to yourself or somebody else fantasies are healthy as well so we we've said all that and then we're also saying that this comes with a lot of things that can bring imbalance and danger to your relationship it can bring things that may not be very nice so is there some way for people who really want to explore the idea of three sons to actually walk through it before going the whole way yeah I think what's the best way is to share each other's fantasies in detail with each other and as a partner you visualize it with your partner so you know you say this is how I imagine it will be it will be a man or a woman this is what I see them doing this is what I see you doing while they're doing this to me this is and so you're giving all the details of it um and I think the partner who's receiving the fantasy really imagines it and checks on their emotions at that time because if you can't take it visually I can assure you you can't take it physically you know if any parts of it you feel that you know that's like me churning my stomach or I'm not liking it then in reality it's even going to be more problematic so pay attention to your feelings as your partner is sharing the visualization and when you visualize it when you fantasize it give details you know describe it you know share details about it so that the partner is ready for it and either way it's a great you know sharing fantasies can be very sexually arousing because you're sharing with your partner a sexual fantasy so that itself can be a very arousing experience and can lead to amazing love making so it's not going to be a don't take it as an you know an exercise you're doing it actually is a great way to foreplay with your partner is sharing your fantasies so share your fantasies and as they are the person receiving please pay attention to your emotions and be honest in saying I didn't like that you know I didn't like when you said that because that really troubled me so be very aware of your emotions and talk about it would it help if they were to video themselves doing to having sex before introducing a third person watching themselves yeah I think there's something about you know video recordings it is more self-exposing in some ways you have to watch yourself in a video because you know most time unless we are having sex in front of a mirror we don't see ourselves we only see our partner um and so how does that feel how does that feel when you look at yourself in the video what the video can help is like sometimes the fantasy people want to have a threesome because they want to see their partner having sex with somebody else you know that's that's one of the fantasies people have and what a video helps in that case is that they still can visually see their partner in the act of love making just that you know it's on video recording and things so it fulfills that fantasy for sure and maybe you're just satisfied with that you know that seeing it on video and you don't need to really bring in the third person so that is something that you could try as well and maybe also initially instead of going the whole way having sex once you bring the third person and maybe going far to the way yeah and so like I said people really in today's day and age will contract as to what is going to happen in the bedroom you know people really want to make sure that they're going to be safe even the third person who's entering the relationship so they would contract like will there be only oral sex will there be penetrative sex are they going to be other you know what kind of sex will there be anal sex so there's a lot of negotiation and what is going to happen or not happen and and purely because you know it is if you think about the risk part is involved a third person is being invited to somebody's house or hotel or something and there's two people against one so people tend to well if you're going to be the third person entering a couple I would really strongly suggest that you do contract in advance and get consent about what's going to happen between the three of you and rather than just going in blindly and be open to everything have a conversation before great so I guess our response to other question is that if it's something that you really want to try then do think about it very very carefully and the points that you need to think about is not just consent but the fact that both of you want it equally before you introduce third person into your relationship make sure that everybody's needs are being met it shouldn't just be satisfying one person and not the other and be open to change along the way as you go along make sure that your relationship or this whole idea of this fantasy is based on a great deal of trust and that trust will come from a great deal of communication talk to each other openly if you're feeling open enough to actually want to try this together you should feel open enough to communicate about it as well as as openly in the same way and finally negotiate and contract actually decide do it little by little ease yourself into it decide what you want from that third person each single time see how it goes before you move on to the next thing well both Anvita and I wish you a great deal of joy if you decide to go through with it healthy happy fantasy yes Anvita absolutely healthy happy fantasy and as long as there's communication trust and honesty I think you know go enjoy sexual love making and try fantasies as always at the end of the video do like comment and subscribe if you need to send in your questions the email address is info.seema.onend and if you get in if you wish to get in touch with Anvita directly about a question a clinical question that you have for her please do contact her on anvita madan behel.com we'll see you here next week see you next week