 Yeah, but what time is it? It's eight o'clock, Concello. We're on the air for BDQ Gasoline here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go to the Aberdeen Costello Show. Yes, it's the new transcribed Aberdeen Costello Show. Well, they do think you can discover Susan Miller and Lattie Maldeck-Arkesson, and yours truly, Michael Roy. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are for the Aberdeen Blue Costello. You're late. Where have you been? Well, I stopped off for dinner at Rickard being a 35-club restaurant and got into a trip to climbing with the waiter. He yells and screams at me in front of everybody. Well, when somebody yells at you like that, the thing to do is give them a straw fancy. I did. I hit him in the face with a custard pie. I got so mad, I cleaned it. You cleaned it? Yes, I cleaned it with my right and strong with my left. I gave him the old one three. What happened to two? I got that. That's how you should stay out of fights. You can't fight. Yeah? No. When I hit the guy, he thought I had a lip-pipe in my hand. What made him think that? I had a lip-pipe in my hand. You're a little perfect for fighting around Patterson. Ace in the hole, Costello used to call me. Why Ace in the hole? I was always face down. What happened to your fighting career, Louis? I finally lost my crown at Joe Louis. Your crown? Yeah, my crown, my bridge, and three of my good teeth. What do you think of the Louis fighting Joe Louis? It was an accident, Abbott. The first round, I thought I recognized somebody in the fourth row. Who was it? I looked again. It was me. That's just the beginning, folks. 27 hot minutes of Abbott and Costello still to come. But first, hear this. A gasoline bulk plant is the sort of halfway point where gas is stored for delivery to service stations. And it's a fine old tradition of the gas business that the motorist who runs out of gas near a PDQ bulk plant gets a gallon to see him on his way, even though gasoline is not ordinarily retailed there. Now, I tell you this because the other afternoon, a 46th viewing sputtered and died near a PDQ bulk plant, and the boys put a spot of gas in the man's tank and said, oh, that's all right, and wished him on his way. But he was no more than gone when around the block and back again he came out of his car and pointing this way and that and shouting, hey, it doesn't ping. What kind of gas was that? PDQ gas, they said. Yeah, but my car always pings, he said. Now it doesn't. Now you're using PDQ, they said. And so he drove away happy as a lark and looking for a PDQ station. He'd made a great discovery. Moro, if your car pings, just run out of gas in front of a PDQ station. Next on the program, the Abbott and Castello show. Oh, wait, just look at you. Your pants got so dragging on the ground. What's the idea? Ah, it's the new style, Abbott. I live in all my pants' oranges. Why? To compete with the new look. The new look? If the girls will let me look at their legs, I'm not gonna look and let them look at mine. What's the idea of wearing? What's the idea of wearing your best suit to work? My club has given a big party tonight. We're gonna have favorites for all the girls. It's four o'clock, we're gonna turn out all the lights. Aren't you going to have any favorites for the men? I suppose you're taking that redhead that lives next door to you. Ah, no, we had a lover's patch. She's had to go with her. She's been married three times and had eight children. She has? Yes. If she keeps trying to make me jealous, I'm gonna break our engagement. Who are you taking to the party? One of the powers models, Abbott. Do you know the games that got those funny names? Is it Candy Jones? No. Is it Chili Williams? No. Is it Chuchu Johnson? No. I got it. Sour Cream Shapiro. Sour Cream Shapiro. Take her cellar. She's the most popular girl in this neck of the woods. If any girl next to the woods has got to be popular. Sour Cream Shapiro. Isn't that a peculiar name for a girl? Oh, no. That's just a professional name, Abbott. What's her real name? Sour Cream Schwartz. She's a very fancy dresser, Abbott. Somebody had took a riding suit. One of you had took a hiking suit, and she wore a hiking outfit. Two of you had took her to a dinner party, and she wore a dinner gown. I can hardly wait for some time. Right. I'm taking her to a birthday party. Those models are pretty smart girls, Godzilla. You know, my wife Betty used to be a model. She's got a face like a million dollars. Yes, sir. Long, green, and wrinkled. That's just your opinion. Some people think she's pretty, and some people think she's a homie. They're both right. She's pretty homie. How can you say that? She's gorgeous. She has long, golden hair, halfway down her back. Yes, it's too bad it didn't grow on her head. But anyway, my wife is smart. She has a trigger mind. Yes, well, she gets through it. It's sure to give it back to Trigger. Godzilla, how can you stand out here and deliberately insult my wife? Believe me, Abbott, it's a pleasure. Not only that, but every time you meet her, you'll insult her to a certain extent. You'll insult her to a certain extent. Every time you meet her, you'll insult her to a certain extent. Every time I meet her, she still has the same face. Godzilla! It's my wife, Betty. What are you running to tonight? What's that about me? You pumped up... Wait a minute. Wait a minute, honey. Take it easy. Godzilla doesn't mean what he said. Then why was he insulting my beauty? Godzilla, I'll have you over on payment for my gorgeous skin. I know, Mrs. Abbott. For years, my sister has been trying to get skin like yours. Well, now, really, is that so? Is your sister a beautician? No, she makes alligator bags. Custello, I am not going to stand here and listen to you insulting my wife. Are you hear me? Well... I'm just not... Well, what are you gonna go about it? I'm gonna sit down. Hi, Donnie. You know I love you. Don't I always treat you like a gentleman? Yes. It's about time that you treated me like a lady. You wanted to meet before I married you? And Grant took Richmond from my wife. Can't you be more chivalrous? I'm always chivalrous. Last night when I was walking Betty home, we came to a big, big mud puddle, and I threw her coat down in the mud. Yes. And the next time you do it, take me out of the coat first! It was my wife that said that. And I'm glad it wasn't me. Oh, buddy, you're so witty. Oh, honey, I'm not half as witty as you. Oh, I'm not half as witty as you. But I'm not half as witty as you. Half as witty as you. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from a couple of passers-by. But do you really want to have me for dinner tomorrow night? Why, of course, Coachella. We will have dinner at seven. You get there at four. Why so early? Well, give me time to stuff your stick and appling your mouth and fly! Coachella, I don't blame my wife for getting mad at you. You have one big mouth. What did you expect me to have? Two little ones. Coachella, your ignorance is amazing. What do you do to get so stupid? I can't tell you that. Why? It's an old recipe that's been in our family for years. And you shouldn't fool me out of it. We should be pals like Damon and Pippius, Stanley and Livingston, and the Russel brothers. Who are the Russel brothers? They're my tailors, and I promise to get them a plug tonight. Oh, I'm in hot water. I'm always in hot water. They keep you in hot water until all my strength is gone. Who are you? Oh, just an old key bag. My nephew, folks, if he had his life to live over again, he'd be a fool to do it. Coachella, wait a minute. First, you insult my wife. Now, you pickle on my nephew. I'm going to have to work on this show, Coachella. You know, I was with Phil Statham's band for three years. Phil Statham, he had an old girl there. Now, how could you stay with them for three years? I kept my mouth shut. I'm nice to him. When he was picking up a hospital, I sent him flowers, didn't I? Yeah. Lily. Well, was it my fault that the operation was a success? Cable-grant for Lukas Dello. Cable-grant for Lukas Dello. I'm Lukas Dello. Here. Now, it'll be $4.95 to collect. $4.95? Here's $5. Keep the change. Thank you. Don't mention it. I'd be ashamed to. I wonder who would be sending me a cable-grant. Well, why don't you open it and find out? Say that's a good idea. Why don't I take a thing like that? Oh, a habit. It's from Africa. Listen to this. Here, Lukas Dello. We, the people of darkest Africa, enjoy your radio programs very much. As you know, we have the largest diamond mines in the world here in Africa. And in your honor, we have named the biggest diamond in the world, the Lukas Dello Diamond. If you can arrange to come to Africa, we will be very happy to present this diamond to you. Fine. William Ackerman, president of the American and African Diamond Syndicate. Hey, wait a minute. This is wonderful, Kasdello. We're rich. Think of it. You own the largest diamond in the world, the Kasdello Diamond. I'll bet it some rock. I'll bet it ain't as big as the rock that my aunt even got for her birthday. She get a big rock? Yes. And the warden says she'd better have it all broken up before her pearl comes through. You know nothing about diamonds. Is that so? I did choose a little of a diamond for Christmas that is as big as a saucer. Was it a real diamond? Well, she took it down and had an appraise, and the jewelers said that if she ever dropped it, she'd have seven years bad luck. Kasdello, I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll go to Africa, get the diamond, and when we get back here, we'll sell it, and you'll split the money with me. I'll split the money with you. Yes. Oh, no, you don't. Oh, all right. I've always got to give in. And I'll split the money with you. Well, that's better. Sorry. Wait a minute. That's the same thing. Why should I split it with you? It's my diamond, ain't it? But, Lou, don't we always split everything? I guess you're right, Abbot. If I had two cigarettes, I'd give you one. Oh, that's right. And if I had two pairs of shoes, I'd give you one. Oh, that's right. And if I had two blinds, yes. Why don't you like that cigarette? Put on those shoes and take a walk for yourself. Now, Kasdello, we're going to Africa. I hope you're not afraid of wild animals. Me? No. I'm not afraid of lions. I once went out and killed a lion with my club. You killed a lion with your club? Yes. Of course. There's 200 members in my club. You were ever in Africa. Oh, no. One time I was a big game. I was big game hunting in Africa with my brother-in-law. A wild alligator attacked my brother-in-law. I threw my trusty gun to my shoulder and fired. Did you get him? I never missed. He's the self I'm wearing? Yes. Can you win alligator? Nope. Can you win brother-in-law? Oh, come on, Abbot. We're going to Africa and get that diamond. Poor Abbot and Kasdello bring you more laughs. Listen to 55 seconds of discourse on a different subject. Some time ago on this program, we publicly invited all oil companies to adopt PDQ's long-standing practice of washing windshields. The response was instantaneous. We heard from quite a few of them. PDQ is happy indeed to have made this contribution to the industry. Right now, our engineers in charge of pioneering and leadership are about to claim, are about to offer another breathtaking idea. Free air at all filling stations. Another traditional PDQ service, which we predict will be widely copied. Meantime, of course, if you're driving around on flat tires, we suggest you stop in and have your neighborhood PDQ dealer and place them. For here at the PDQ stations and nowhere else, will you be able to fill up with mileage stretching quick-performing PDQ gasoline? Don't be misled into thinking that just because they wash your windshield and check your tires in some other filling station, that you are getting genuine PDQ gasoline. Look for the big long mileage on this speedometer and be sure you buy PDQ. And now, act two of the Abbot and Costello pantomime for PDQ. I'm confessin' that I love you. Only Susan Miller tells it better than I can. As the singing star of the Abbot and Costello show, it joins with the Manny Malnick Orchestra in this perennial favorite. The questions that I love you carry me through your lovely dreams. I'm confessin' that I need you to honestize you as I read the same... Are you leaving for Africa to get the Costello diamond? Yes. My mother insists that I go on a boat to send my baggage on another. Why? That's in case either one of the boats could bounce. She won't lose everything. That's a thoughtful... Costello! All ocean-going boats are safe. Oh, yeah? Well, my uncle Mike was a boat builder and he built a banana boat. He sailed it halfway across the ocean in a tank. Why does it seem? You can't sail the boat out of a manor... Well, it's good to Africa. It might be dangerous if that. I know what I'll do. I'll call up Johnny Tarzan Weismiller to go with it. He ain't afraid of dangers. He fights crocodiles. He breaks snakes in half. He goes through earthquakes and floods. He ain't afraid of nothing. Well, go ahead and call him. Okay. Hello? Hello? Johnny Weismiller? Oh, Johnny, this is Luke Costello. I'd like you to go to Africa with me. Hmm. Oh. Well, goodbye. Well? What did Tarzan say? It's raining and his mother will let him out of the house. Well, we're going anyway. Did you say goodbye to all your friends? Oh, but Hedy Lamar... It's gonna be tough. It's gonna be real tough taking Hedy in my arms and kissing her goodbye. But you don't even know Hedy Lamar. That's what makes it so tough. You're not a coward. Think of him as a glorious such a trip. You may even turn out to be a discoverer like Columbus. By taking a trip he found out that the world was round loose. I'd rather be a discoverer like Secretary of State Marshall. He took a trip and found out that the world was flat. He lost it. Game on you. I thought you were a brave man. Well, you told me your Uncle Mike was a lion on us. He was. Once Uncle Mike was... Once Uncle Mike shot a five-legged lion. Are you sure the lion had five legs? Sure. Four of his own and one of Uncle Mike's. Tarzan? What is that can of pot of your carrying? That's my own invention. Dehydrated water. If we're going through the jungle where there's no water for miles, this will come in handy. Dehydrated water? Yes. How does it work? You just open the can, take a little of the powder. Yes. And mix it with water. Come on, Chester. Let me go down to the docks and see if we can get a ship that will take us to Africa. So you can claim your diamonds. Who knows where both of us are going to Africa? Pardon me, sir. Do you know of a ship that sailed for Africa? There's one. That filthy barnacle crossed its trouble with us. It's named by Captain Bilgewater. Well, seven seas. She's the power of boat and the oceans. What's the name of that boat? The Greek ship Lollipop. Come on, Chester. Look on top of the captain of this ship. He'll let us work our way to Africa, I think. Oh, there, Captain. Just a second, you two swabs. I'm talking to my face. My face, the anchor. And you claim you didn't hear me, huh? You know what that means? Am I the captain? Did you steal a little fat follicle by you just a minute ago? No. Well, here I go now. Captain, Chester and I want to get to Africa. Hey, you can. Can you use two sea-faring men? Yeah, I could use a couple of able seamen. But my second mate had an accident today. He was coming out of that galley in his flittest skull on the main mass. Well, didn't he know the mass was there? No. He didn't even know I was gonna throw it at him. Remember that terrific storm that Queen Mary was in last winter? Yeah. Well, everybody on that boat was sick except me. Why do you get sick? I ain't never been on the Queen Mary. My boy, I've been sailing through storms for 20 years. Well, that's nothing to sniff at. In all of them 20 years, I've never been off this boat. That's nothing to sniff at. And in all of them 20 years, I've never had this sailor suit off. I've had. So, guys, I'm gonna take you to Africa on my ship. Abbott, you'll be my first mate, Hustello. At the same time, aren't you afraid of getting arrested for digging me? Captain has washed overboard. We've lost all our instruments. There's a storm coming up. What should we do? Batten down the hatches. I did batten down the hatches. Batten them down again. We'll show those hatches. Please, we gotta bring this ship at the port. I'll get up on the bridge and call out the orders. You repeat them back to me. I repeat all the orders back to you. Right. Yes, sir. Reef the mainsail. Reef the mainsail. Close the scuppers. Close the scuppers. Loop your hoop deck. Loop your hoop deck. Close your scuppers. Lower your jib. Man your rifle. Tilt your rudder. Port your helm. Loop your hoop deck. It's Africa. Hold speed ahead. Okay, Abbott, you've got this rope. I'll take the other one. Now I'll tie this one. Now I'll tie the other one. Now I'll tie this one. Now I'll tie the other one. Now I'll tie this. Now I'll tie this. Wait a minute. Hustello, what are you doing? I'm trying to make 20 knots an hour. I can hear the signal drum of the native. I know the message says, Andy. What is it? Ome, ome. Ome, ome, ome, ome, ome, ome, ome. Come on up, go on. See if we can locate the cusello demon. There's a U-Bangie chief. Ask him if he knows the way to the cusello demon. Chief U-Bangie? Me, Cusullo. You know him? Where we find Cusullo diamonds? Chief U-Bangie, why don't you ask for me? Aren't you standing on my lower lip? Oh, yeah, but we still wasn't off the beat, didn't I? Chief, you baggy. Chief, you look like a guide, maybe you could help us. Yeah, I was a good guy. Five years ago, when Frank Buck came here, he went a thousand miles into the jungle. Last year, Buck was here, and he only went 40 miles. What does that prove? Son of a buck, don't go as far as you used to. Chief, you baggy, Castello was some of the African to be presented with a Castello diamond. You know how we can find it? He has. Just through that jungle and the diamond compound. But first, I have to get the permission of the natives for you to pass through. I'll send a message on his drum. What message did you send? I said, Aberdon Castello request permission to enter your territory to be presented with the Castello diamond. And listen, here come the answers. What did they say? Yes. Let's follow that pass through to the jungle. Yes. Come on, Castello, and be careful. This jungle is full of wild animals. Big monkey following us. I think he picked up your sink. What makes you think he picked up my sink? He's holding his nose. Look, Castello, he's the head man of the village. He's coming to greet us. Yeah, welcome to Aberdon Castello. Hey, how did you know our name? Are you kidding? I played the part of you baggy chief on the last page. Yes! Good man, we come thousands of miles. Who must die, you all? We come thousands of miles to get the Castello diamond. Could you tell us where it is? It's yours. Right up there where all them you baggies are playing baseball. You mean that's the Castello diamond? You're the biggest baseball diamond in Aberdeen. You know all the players, don't you? Oh sure, but the players in Aberdeen have funny names. Now Boo's on second, and Woo's on first. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! This gentleman got out of here. Jump in his feet. I can't get away from this place fast enough. We'll drive straight to Cape Town, and take the first boat back to California. Come on, I'm going to give you a ticket. You're a Hollywood cop, and we're 8,000 miles away in the middle of the African jungle. You can't give us a ticket. Oh, yeah? You're still inside the Los Angeles city limits. And that's not all. The boys will be back in just a minute after a few wise words from this fellow. Thank you, Mr. Charlin. At this time, ladies and gentlemen, before we continue with the entertainment, I have several announcements to make. On Thursday, that's tomorrow, Thursday, you'll get together with your neighborhood PDQ dealer and fill up with gas. We're expecting a big turnout, so let's all be there. Friday, that's just day after tomorrow. That's a good day to have your PDQ dealer change your oil. All motorists are invited, and there'll be plenty of free air and water for everybody. Now, some dealers report they haven't received PDQ credit card applications from all of you. Like to have you take care of that right away. It's important. Forms are available at all PDQ service stations. The PDQ performance committee reports the elimination of a great many pings. And I know you'll all join me in saying, great work, fellas. Great work. Now, I'll turn the meeting back to Chairman Charlie of the entertainment committee. You ready, Bob and Lou? OK, thank you. [? I'm going back there someday with the greatest hunter in the world, Frank Thorbuck. Don't you mean Frank Buck? Nope, Thorbuck. He's 10 times better than Buck. Good night, folks. Good night, folks. Have a good night. This is ABC, the American Broadcasting Company. It's 8.30 at KECA, and KECA FM.