 Mae'n gweithio'r Fyglwyr yma yn ymdodd fel White's Beckinsfield. White's Beckinsfield yw'r ysgol yng Nghymru yng nghymru yn y Ucau a'i'r gweithio'r cymdeithas ar y prif. Rwy'n gweithio'r cymdeithas ymdodd gyda code AG-JamesEnglish-at-Checkout o ddysgwm 15% o'r pethau. White's Beckinsfield'r cymdeithas gyda'r cymdeith. Mae'n gweithio'r 5 o 7 ac mae'r cymdeithio'r cymdeith. Mae'n gweithio'r cymdeith. ddyst yn gweithio ychydig o'i ymwysgol. Ydyn ni'n meddyl iaith cael byd ac yn peddwl yma. Mae'r ysgawdd i'r pryd yn gweithio, yn meddyl iaith ymweith, fel y dyma, ddwych, ddwy'n meddyl iaith, ddwy'n meddyl iaith, a dyma'r ymweithio'r mwy f Brown asen. Mae gyddiad, mae'n credu. So mae'r rhanau sy'n ddysgu sut mae'n gwybod hwnnw'r bod yn mynd yn ymgwrdd. Ond mae'n grwngel, mae'n grwngel. Ayddiwch i alchol a chyfnodd, roeddwn yn gwybod i gael'r llai'r cofnid, ac mae'r rhaglen i'r cyfnod i'r cyfnod yn y presid. Mae'r cofnid yn ei gael yn y llyfr o'r cyflos. Mae'n gwybod i'r cyflos o'r cyflos a chyfnoddol yn ysbyttyf. ac ydych chi'n wirwch i'r mwr陌swyr. O'r amserdiadol iawn er mwynharu. Diolch ar y chyflgrwyb am hyd yn cofnod. Yn dfodol, mae'n ddweud ei wedi lle. Dyna ddim yn ni'n ei ddweud, ac mae'n ddweud e'w ddweud eich ystod, fel yna nesaf y byddwn i'r bwysig. Mae'r BBC yn rhaid i fynd i fynd. Felly mae'n meddwl. Felly bod yn fwy gydag i fynd i'w gydag... If I hadn't got into that shop I probably would have gone down a path of trying to stay in this industry, working in it, probably would have ended up an addict in the sex industry or something like that, I know I would. Another thing that happened to me about being taken out of my house, held in a part of a place around the call with me actually for three days, and being continuously raped by three guys for somebody else's death. It didn't happen to be home at the time when they knocked. I travelled the world, Ciz and I were just everywhere we went, 30 million people watched us get married. We grew up in front of the nation. I passed out once at the top of the stairs in the Vic and hit the deck because I was just constantly would have that thing with Coke where I was doing that much and then I was gouged like that out with stuff where I needed to have a line. Well I'd be up for days and I would gouge out really bad, almost like herring gouges out and I'd be like that bad with drugs. When I was pregnant with Jodie, I was three months pregnant with Jodie and I was fricking ill and then all my organs were giving up. And it stood to me on about six weeks to live. I didn't give a shit. It ended up shackling me to the streets, to the seat halfway to LA. I was in first class, I was abusing him on the phone with the credit card machine. I bought everything from duty free and I went in the toilet and had a cigarette. Everyone's laying in their beds and sleeping first, paid a fortune. And the stewardess is knocking on there. It's whispered, are you smoking in there? And I opened the door of a cigarette. I went, yeah, what are you going to do? Open the door and fricking throw me out the plane. You're not. But the kids go, do you know what, mum? And when you split up with Dad and you did your stubborn shit and end up in a hostel and everything, she went and he was running an extension lead under the door to nick the electric out of the hallway. And we were sharing pot noodles and shit because we had nothing, because I was a rage and fricking cokehead selfish as it is. She said, we used to lay in bed to three of us, three of them with our dog. She said, should I spurt the alphabet and make Kyla? And it was them things they remember. She said, but you go for all the times when we've had fricking 10 grand birthday parties and stuff. She went, I can't remember all for them things. Bwm, we're on. There you go. For these guests, we've got Daniela Westbrook. How are you? I'm a little bit shy, if I'm honest. Yeah, I don't believe that. I am. Honestly, I've been so excited to come on and, you know, but I've been so nervous as well, if I'm honest, because I don't know, I haven't done anything for a year. I haven't spoken to anyone for a year. And the reason I wanted to come on your show is because you've got a great reputation and so many people are telling me, I can't believe you're going on your show and it's going to be great for you and no pressure. And the other thing is because you don't come from a journalistic background and you've walked your own line. So for me, it was a no brainer. Yeah, I appreciate that. And first of all, for coming on your show, it's very much appreciated. You've got a great story, I believe. I think you can have a story where people can look at inspiration because as much as people can read the press and watch the news, they can fuck you over 100 times over, but people need to understand the background you've came from, from being gang raped, abused, and these are trigger points why addiction starts. But first of all, you're cleaning your sober now, so congratulations. I'm doing all right today. Yeah, so listen, I believe we're all struggling, as human beings we're all struggling and I always try and bring people on the podcast where people can find some light, some motivation, some inspiration. I don't give a fuck how dark your past is, what age you are, what colour of skin you are. Everybody's got a story and I believe your story is there to be told. I've done a lot of programmes, but it's only like 5 minutes, 10 minutes, and I want to get it right and to have a better understanding of who you are, what triggers you, and how well you're doing now. Oh my cry. That's okay, I'm always crying anyway. But I'll always go back to the start of my guests, where they grew up and how it all began. Yeah, well, I grew up in Woodford Green, in Essex, just a normal mum and dad. Nancy had the family come from a traveller background and my dad's just a great Scottish, funny enough. Yeah, he had a Westbrooks. Yeah, it's just normal. My mum's a single child, an early child from her family was adopted at an early age and stuff. She worked in London as a playboy bunny and my dad was a carpet fitter, just a normal family. He had a child from his first marriage, an older brother, step brother I've got, don't really see. I was eight years, the only child really, and somebody younger brother come along. I was always like the blonde, blue-eyed girl out of all my cousins. I was the one that was trouble for starting fights with people and stuff, the little fat one. I was just confident, I was that kid. My mum worked nights up in London for the playboy casino and stuff, and my dad used to finish work, picked me up for me and so I was always with my dad. I was the apple of my dad's eye. I still am today, God bless him. That was it really. My mum worked with a lot of famous people coming to the club obviously at that time in the 70s, like the Hoo and the Stones and all those sort of people. I think someone wanted someone for a video shoot, a child for a video shoot. Obviously she was proud of her daughter, because she pushed me forward. It was always what she really wanted to do. I didn't see the harm and the dangers in it at the time. My dad said, no, she's not doing that because I used to ride horses and I was just a normal kid. She pushed and pushed and pushed and she just did it anyway. She put me up at Sylvia Young Theatre School when I was seven. I didn't know any different, I was seven. I just was into Barbies and stuff and horses when I did that. I was not a natural performer. I was naturally confident but not a natural performer. I wasn't really good at dancing. I was a bit dumpy and a little bit out of V and I couldn't really sing. Eventually by the time I got to 15, I was still not great but I could work me around a few things. I went there from seven years old and I went full time at 11. I worked a lot. I worked an awful lot from day one. I worked with Queen and Freddie Mercury and George Michael. I worked with so many different types of people. I did the West End for Angeloid Webber. I've done roll varieties. I've worked at Buckingham Palace Garden parties. I've done everything. I was just a normal kid. I was the only child. As is in every child, you just want to do please people and please your parents and stuff. We've become more famous. Not famous as such but I did commercials. I was on TV all the time. I went to a local primary school and other kids didn't really like it. I was on the Colgate commercial. I was doing different things. I was in Grange Hill. I was busy and I got bullied and I got bullied and I got bullied and I got beaten up all the time. I had all my hair cut off. I cut off one of my plats at school. It was horrific for me and then my dad agreed to let my mum send me to full time school at Sylvia Young's. I think that's really just where I wanted to be so it was like all the other kids but what I hadn't spoken about to both my parents was always being abused massively within the industry. We had gaps it. That's okay, man. It's hard. It was hard because at 7 years old you don't really want to say to your mum and dad like never have you seen my parents naked, thank you for that. It's a sudden you say that I'm being made to do this, this and this, thanks. Is it that bad? I've got a big tail. To say, as my make-up's mother's there, I'm being abused and it was hard so it took me till I was 9 years old to finally tell somebody in a position of what I would call power and I won't say who the people were that I told and I was told to be quite got to work and I think when you get to 9 and you're still a kid you haven't even reached puberty and you've got people that have abused you day in, not day in, day out but month in, month out on jobs and cabaret circuits and the other kids around you are having the same. It's difficult, it's really difficult and when you're told to just be quite and got to work you want to please people because you don't want to make you look a liar. And I think those sort of people that do that to you know that and as a kid you don't know that you just have to shut up. I was groomed, heavily groomed and given alcohol for my 8 years old I was given my first line of coke and I told people in the press at the 14 I'd taken coke in a club situation I was and I was given drugs a lot younger and other sorts of drugs as well to suppress me whilst these things were happening to us and I think when I went to Sylvia Young's it was normal for me to go there because I've been around a lot of kids that I've worked with that had happened to them God rest Sylvia would go mad if she knew that it had happened to us because she'd done everything to protect us but we were told by people not to say it was just very difficult and I knew no difference so at 9 years old when you say that you learn real faster on your own in this world. People can make their assumptions people can have their opinion but people need to understand how young you were when you started getting abused and groomed for 7 years old for getting drugs at 9 years old. And I was given drugs regularly as well. In this industry and people are groomers and it goes on I think a lot more people are speaking out and with you telling your story now a lot more people will come forward and have some strength as well so that takes courage act shows you that you are a fighter that shows that how far you've came in life everything that you've went through to where you are today it's just all fighting, you're still kicking on you're still pushing forward and that takes courage and strength I think it does but it takes a lot of help as well from people and I'm helping it it takes to get to learn the word no it's a powerful word and it wasn't a word I even knew to say no I don't want to do something no you can't do that to me or no I won't because I just wanted to please people so yes yes yes yes yes obviously so when I got to like I don't know whatever age 16 17 18 or 15 16 or whatever and my friends are getting their first boyfriend and nights out and they're having sex for the first time and it's all exciting and they're falling in love I felt nothing when it come down to it about having a fast sexual encounter I felt nothing because I just in my head I departmentalised sex on somebody touching me with I don't know with abuse did you just shut off then? I didn't feel anything, I felt nothing about it because that's how I dealt with it as a child because they'd numb me so much with different kinds of concoctions and stuff like that so when someone first off of me a line of cocaine at 14 there was an older boy that I really liked who still to this day goes I feel so bad about it he's still a mate of mine I'm like listen man you weren't really the first person it doesn't matter but and he said he's like I feel terrible I carried it for years I said well it's not your fault I've done it anyway and because it was something I recognised that I knew hadn't killed me I did it and it was the eighties and it was the thing to do then it was the ypy scene everyone was champagne and cocaine and obviously it went to his tenders and all of my friends were normal they were going to college bringing up my best mate on a Thursday night from primary school and going come out tonight I'm going to her party and George Michael's going and she was like I can't I've got to go to college in the morning I've just got my bus pass I really ain't got the money I'm like I'll pick you up so I can't you know she's still my best friend today Ginny I'll be lost about her but she was like Dan I didn't know what to do I just saw you go you were flying with one thing but you healed so many secrets back and I got to a point a few years ago just before I went into big brother and I thought do you know what I'm not going to be the keeper of secrets I'm an adult I don't have to be you know I got clean for 14 years in recovery after nearly dying when all my organs shutting down and I was like I did a 14 year recovery and I didn't show up you know yeah I was cleaning so but I didn't pick up but that's all I didn't do was pick up I sat in meetings I never shared I didn't work a programme I didn't have a sponsor I just looked good and I didn't show up and I did that because my husband was a multimillionaire and I could look good Were you scared to open up because you know it could have brought back all their emotions for being seven and eight years old No I was still that mindset of like outside of mine it didn't happen to me I didn't deal with any of it I hadn't actually found a therapist either at that time that I couldn't A manipulate and B that wasn't you know a clock watcher that could understand so and then I went recently I went to treatment just over a year ago up in Luton I met a fantastic therapist Michelle and she just stripped me every which way I tried to wiggle out of it even sometimes about realising she just went bang bang bang she walked my path and I still speak to her weekly now she just got me I've been blessed in the situations I've been put in I've been blessed in the positions I've been put in there's a lot of kids I went to school with at Sylvia that are no longer here that are taking their lives because of what they've been through and what happened to them Was there other kids at your age getting abused then back then? loads of us yeah loads of us Have you ever had alls spoken with each other as a kind of old step I grew up with and worked with through the power I hate social media really funny enough but only because I'm too accessible to people and I lose my temper with them my sons as I have no feel of it but thanks to that I've managed to contact over the years a lot of people and there's been times when I've been at my lowest that people have picked me up because they've walked my path and they're famous they didn't get the break I got but they still know what we went for we shared something back then and how they've dealt with it and moved on with their lives and going on to have children and families and you know Was there no sort of psychologist or anything back in the day for such a young age to getting all that limelight from all your advice all your TV work, was there anybody ever no no no we were groomed and that was like a reward was your dad anything see any signs I told my dad when I was he's going to roll up set me now I've had about it until I wrote my second book because I was sat with a friend of mine I used to work for Mixed Magmat and he was writing my book for me and I said to him do you know what I'm going to do so now and I don't know where it's come from it's like somebody's just come on me and said you need to speak about this and I spoke about it openly and I spoke about another thing that happened to me about being taken out of my house held in an apartment a place round the corner of me actually for three days and being continuously raped by three guys for somebody else's debt didn't happen to be home at the time and they knocked and I spoke all about that in my book and a my fourth friend Matt just sat like that he didn't know what to say and he's like okay so I said listen before I do this before we finalise the book and put it in I need to sit down and have a conversation with my dad because I mean I've never seen my dad stop drinking at 19 because my granddad's a bad elkie I'm quite violent so my dad had never seen that and I put in for a lot of shit with my addiction and I've never used publicly that he didn't understand because he never knew any of this and I told my dad and then we've been telling my dad to have been yes the second I've been nine months of telling my dad he had six strokes many strokes he's got really bad dementia now and he's sort of blamed himself because I never told him but I was told not to say Yeah you're going on man it's Caesar you've been through so much your life you've been through the wars, you've been to hell but first of all I keep coming back to it you show courage and strength and you're not the only one who's being through that there's so many people who I've spoke to and when they start speaking about it the people who they help even though you're speaking about this you're going to help so many people and it gives people a better understanding why you went down some of the routes you went down to block out the pain, the misery blaming yourself, thinking it was okay should have just said no it's not as easy as that when you're getting groomed when you're getting manipulated and abused by fucking that to all men and not just men either, women as well it's not just men it's women as well and it's just a frightening and that never really leaves you but you just learn to get on with it and I think I've got these things and the BBC saved my life if I'm honest because I probably would have gone down a path of if I hadn't got into that show I probably would have gone down a path of trying to stay in this industry working in it in the sex industry or something like that, I know I would because sex meant nothing to me and I would have ended up that way, that's why I joined the OnlyFans site as well because I wanted to make my own site because if girls are going to work in that game I wanted to try to make it a safer place it's not all about being groomed so I joined that and I've learnt so much from that as well, it's like I don't know where to start with it but I know my purpose is bigger than just being an actor you know what I mean and a lot of people sit online and go to me and that's why sometimes I have to hand my social media over because I get so angry because I've got children as well and I'm like well why did you never report it why have you been raped and never reported it because why would I because when you're a kid and you've been told that at 9 years old someone's going to back up my mind as stupid as it is says well no one's going to believe you anyway but don't even reply to those fucking idiots man these are just mugs that's why I have my social media I do respond sometimes as well where I go we'll fuck it but in life sometimes I do get a kick out of it sometimes that's just to open up the door and then we follow and give it to them but human beings we are all sensitive we are all vulnerable if we would have gone near page and say the exact same shit they'd be crumble and life's a funny thing nobody knows what the fuck we're doing we're all winging it I don't know what the fuck I'm doing same as yourself, everything you went through the question of what is our purpose, why are we here nobody fucking knows that's where I think all people are so confused and go through addictions it's lots of things some people have eaten disorders some people have got manic depression and no two people are the same so no two addictions are the same and no two using are the same but it's relevant in that person's life and not to judge everybody else's on how great our using was when I drink a bottle of wine and I've seen people sneaker and I think I'm going to fuck it in a minute that's a massive thing to that person how dare you laugh at that person they're basically saying you know what that's not an addiction get out there and use some more come back when you use who the fuck are you to say that if that one bottle of wine is ruining that person's life and they're in the right place then fucking fair play it's the same people who throw the same people who post about mental health they're all over the place just a reflection of them at least we're out here trying trying to make the world a better place trying to make herself a better place especially if you've been in the limelink for the last few years people like they're losing their children to cancer and leukemia that's traumatic to me as a parent that's traumatic I do feel for my kids and when I'm a big brother as much as my kids are like oh god how is she going to be because I went in there doing 11 grams a gear a day I ain't going to lie no one knows that I was doing 11 bags a gear a day and then they walked me through that fucking door and my son and everyone just went oh god the calm down, the fall out and I just kicked up and went to work because it's here and I did it to say do you know what this is me this is who I am and that's where I was at I'm not going to lie about it that's what I was doing you know what I mean I came out of there and my son went I'm so proud of you he came downstairs and the friends and family thing and I just fell apart it's great to see him my son's my best friend in the world I don't do anything about asking my son like with advice work wise he's intelligent kid and proud of him I haven't given him an easy life or my daughter but an easy life but we'll protect my daughter a bit more because my son's older she's our princess my son's been there for me when everyone else every single door's closed that kid's been there yeah that's the only thing when you're in the lane like it doesn't just affect you it affects everyone that's around you again it grows in her strength it grows and you become immune to it but again you don't really become immune to it do you know what I mean my brother's a cop he couldn't get two more different kids at the same freaking gene pool like he's doing really well and he's old Bill and I'm like I'm so proud of my brother but at the same time he's got a sister like me and it's like it's difficult for the life of that and he does laugh at me he goes for God's sake what's she done now you know and he just says you're my sister I love you unconditionally you dealt with bad hand I didn't get, thank goodness what happened to me never happened to my brother so he sees it for what it is and we've all grown adults now my kids see it they understand but also you've got to come to a point in your life where you think I can't keep living there the past I can't keep living there and that trauma it's not happening to me today and thank God that we have got stuff being put in place it's not a sex trafficking of children and people in general and it is being made aware of and people do know the signs of what's going on in this world it's no different to kids being sent out to do jobs that they shouldn't be doing at a young age in different countries that's all trapped like using is child labour what I was doing was child labour just in a sex trade and it's wrong and I don't think any amount of money that I've earned in the world and blessings that I've been given with television is never going to take that pain away but it's given me a platform to be able to speak up about it at a time when it is current as well See when you turn 16s here when you're getting EastEnders you've got all the fame, all the attention because EastEnders was at its peak then you're talking 15 million, 20 million people watching you're talking 15 million, 20 million people watching did you think the more success we've become the more you would forget about your pain I just thought it was going to stop now because people can't do it to me because now I'm a famous pawn but I just knew that I was a famous person that wasn't going to be led into their circle to behave the way they did and I think also that for me is quite now looking back at it now 30 years on and with what's come to light in the press about all these pedophiles all over the America, England what's goes on I'm actually probably one of the dangerous people that they could have abused because I've got a big mouth You've got the guts to speak out I'm not a person, I've written two books both in best sellers, I've never named and shamed anybody I've dated I'm the same about my abuse I would never name shame I've got every right to but where's that going to get me and where's that going to get my children where's that going to get their children it's not the people that are in the right positions know who I've given my statement the people that are in the position of power now that are doing something about it I've got it and that's enough for me but I've signed a thing to say I wanted to keep that personal But you haven't threatened anything to keep your move shut I've had a lot of that stuff done to me I've been taken out of my house when I was with Brian Harvey I got taken out of my house and he came home and he never saw me again he had a very tough time and he's made Brian real and luckily Brian was never abused but there was a price on his head and I was getting married to him and the people at the price on his head they wanted him in that circle and they thought I'd tell him what I knew so they took me out of the picture for a long while put me somewhere that I shouldn't be and I had to sell my house and everything I would have done because I know Brian speaks so evenly and people call him a crazy and he's really not and I've got a lot of love in my heart for Brian always will and all he's trying to do is the right thing and he gets threatened and abused by people I think that's because of what he's seen with you No, it's because he's trying to do the right thing and out these people that have hurt people close to us myself included and luckily they never got to Brian but he did lose his job and he's 17 that's not to do though, discreet at you and it made Brian a prisoner in his own home and it's really sad because I know what Brian's doing he's the right thing people can call him crazy and say he's ranting but I know what he's doing is the right thing and I have to be careful what I say because he says he needs some Brian I'll never work again, I have to go to work but I'm also not a grass and anyone that knows me knows I'm not a lolly and I've dealt with my shit and I'm still lucky to be working and I know what he's doing but sometimes it's such a dangerous game to be playing with and he's only trying to do what's right the people who are grooming who are trafficking children are the most powerful men in this country in the world actually but the voice of the people is a lot stronger if people unite isn't it's not because people go missing like this and they never come back unless it's the way it is we've uncovered a lot of stuff on here and I'm a mother so for me it's like I still need to work and I love working I love nothing more than playing San Mitchell it's my favourite thing to do I never feel at home and when I walk on that square it's for me especially when Barbara was there at the time and that was a blessing to me Barbara being around she's been around this industry a long time and I credit Barbara for me coming out the other side of a lot of things because she showed me how to jump onto something else when I was in bad places with staff she said she showed me how to be publicly facing and how to break down behind a closed door which I never knew the two Barbara's always protected me Barbara protects everyone Barbara's a woman for me that can come for anything that life's thrown at her in life she wouldn't say this at a young age and hard for her from the east end of London she struggled and she was little she's talented she's a tough bird she's not frightened to have walked off and watched a programme about last night a drama they made about a life story it's interesting she came back and she got to a point when she met Scott and she was like she was doing one woman shows around the country she had gone from being a big star and Sparrows can't sing carions and then you hit a point in your life and she's done it and it was a similar age and even Steven McFanny goes don't even mind sometimes your life's just like mirror's mother's because we do call them are so what do you mean you went you know gangster fellas you're that lifestyle gangster fellas young toy boy blokes and I'd been on your arse and I went listen if that's what it mirrors no one better to look up to than me I saw what would come good in the end how did you end up with the job on EastEnders well I could see it in one of two ways it could have been a payoff it could have been a blessing I went for an audition I was 1500 people went up for Sam Mitchell for the BBC and Channel 4 had just been launched it was brand new and I was only on twice a week then I went for four auditions and my last one I'm finishing my history juices he put my pen down and I was like can I go barely more than that and he let me in and I went yeah go on I got the train up 12th Street did my last reading they brought Sid in to read and me plays Ricky and they had a picture of the boys next to two pictures their head shots, Will and Grant and they put mine in the middle and I took a big round face all I was missing was a ball dead one and that was me and I did that and I read with Sid and then I got home on the train I've been through the door about an hour I lived in Lawn with my mum and dad and my mum and my mum and I was on the phone we lived up in Bourbindill right across the forest I was looking out and she was like you need to sit down I'm in it and I married in mind I worked constantly from 7 with amazing people but this was a big deal and she went yeah you got it I was like what she was like you got it you're doing it you start tomorrow at 10 I was like what she went there biking your script now I was like okay she went nice one and Sylvie's always been fantastic for all of us you know and I remember sitting down I just put the phone down and I went I started screaming my mum fucking threw the thing up in the air in the kitchen and when I come flying up I said well I'm doing it I've done it and everyone just went mad and they were so pleased and I went in the next down I remember being so scared my first scene was in the square sitting on a bench with Sid and I just looked at a ringer for me daughter does now and it was like you know what I mean it was me went yeah you'll do that was the first thing you went yeah you'll do that was it and then we started the scene and that was it my first scene and I went every time I go back we still got Dave Bowen a lot of our cameramen a lot of our people they were the same and it's a great place to work I mean you spend more time together than especially now four times a week whatever the show is on you spend more time than you do at home so I love EastEnders mate I loved it but even though how the trauma and pain you've been through your life you've still also got a great life and your mum and dad must have been so proud for you at 16 to be on the biggest TV show in British and they didn't know I was taking drugs we were taking drugs for two years before that and they didn't even know a lesson I mean my dad wouldn't know a line of code jumped up in the face but he shut up and he said I know he wouldn't know I mean my mum wouldn't know but she hadn't done it but my dad wouldn't have a clue so yeah I was so happy for me so happy for me I was excited for me inside that I could put to bed all that stuff Were you taking gear on set? So I was in the middle of my first time I left when me and Steve got married and you could sit in or something then when they brought me back and we did stuff where I got caught in bed with David Wicks in Spain Bianca's dad Ricky and Bianca caught me and everything and Grant caught me and they all walked in on me with them bed with David Wicks I was ill then really ill pull your side and say look get your shit together loads of people did loads of people know use that to start people don't really see everyone knew was it every day then? yeah and Stevie and Ross were really against it and that was well before Barbara came in the show but hellfire when bar came in and I was on the fire she was on me mate she hates drugs oh god yeah and she I'm rightly so like her and Junie Brown all the different things like when in there people had a drink and a bar fight so she just didn't get it and she couldn't see why I was killing myself ruining my life so when I got clean for 14 years I was very close to Barbara my husband and Scott were good friends Scott's heavily into recovery our other half many years over 20 years I think now in recovery we used to do everything together the four of us outside of work as well as with work and yeah I learnt a lot at that age the first three years you were on EastEnders I fucking I loved it I was earning money I mean I was loving life I was working with Dave Stewart for the film film and Cannes Film Festival I travelled the world Ciz and I were just everywhere we went 30 million people watched us get married we grew up in front of the nation so when it came out about my addiction back then with the press there was only four channels we didn't have Sky, we didn't have the internet we didn't have social media we just had red tops but that made it worse when it came out in the paper did you get a heads up before it came out as well I had to let you know by six o'clock before they were running it because you have to be able to be given the right to reply was this three years in oh god no yeah three or four years in yeah I think you're about right because I'm that old I can't remember what were you thinking then were you thinking ok I'm going to stop or did it make your addiction worse I shit myself I'm honest because I was so full of my own self-importance and my own ego by that time you know I thought I could walk on water and plus I had a famous boyfriend and I'd been with him at the footballer and then I was with Brian for years and I went out with Robbie Williams and I went back with Brian went out with Robbie to piss Brian off and you know it is and that's what my mates were like my friends were like what the fuck they didn't get any of it but I still wanted to be like my mates and you can't do both did you have two friends then I was at your own wee bubble my best mate Ginny and Cazin and we call him legs she's so tall Stuart is my kids like a point of call lot of their godparents but it's a good eyes we've all been in the same circle and I still my friends today and even up until two or three years ago Ginny it was Ginny and Cazin's shoe that got me together and put me in hospital put me in admin sections two years ago just previously? when I stepped to see me and stuff I was cutting myself, I cut my own face here I cut this bit of my face there I started self harming terrible burning myself with cigarettes and stuff I was in a bad place but you know I can't have it again and today I took me seven years into a 14 year recovery to turn around and go do you know what I'll never use again and the minute my marriage broke down and everything fell apart I picked up that day I wouldn't even know where to find it but God did I find it I'm an addict I'll find it anywhere I want when I spent 14 years not having it anywhere near me but I still knew seven years down the line I don't know what the switch was with that seven years I was still so fearful every day for seven years of using and I got comfortable and I had a lot of money around me my husband was a premier he sold to Addie Lee sold for millions and he got clean and sober with me he was a great strength and ally to me amazing man I love him to bits and I wish him nothing but goodness but you know we just fell out of love and that shit happens I just recently got divorced after 19 years we separated since 2015 and we just only got divorced like two weeks ago it was cool and everybody was like oh what did you get out of your divorce I said nothing we went on darkgov.uk filled our forms out put it back and forth and we're split it's done and what did you get out of it nothing I walked into that marriage with two carrier bags and my son just because he had millions I never did today he's working his company I'm not entitled to take anything from him our children have grown up what's he got to give me nothing he gave me everything he gave me my life he put me in that many treatment centres so for me I don't marry someone just see what you can get if you don't work out how did you meet? I met him at a boxing event Michael Greco took me to play Bepe were you still on at that time? oh god I was freaking terrible I was lucky I even got that this might die was he on at as well at that time? so both of yous were on it so that's how you met and he had disposable income plus he owned the biggest dispatch car company in the UK so he had fleets had blacked out limos and it was all like crazy I was like wow I thought I was in casino like ginger I thought I was like ginger from casino I was like whoa big bags a gear bags and I put them all over first time I met him he was like I'm starting to see me by hey I knew I'd give you one hey I told you it'll be scarce mate oh you're going to love him Westie he's really good looking I met him the first day I met him was at a meet at Langhams for something it was called some meeting or whatever about something and he gave me my own car account and Steve McFadden knew who he was and Steve was like don't be messing with him he'd be fine don't worry he's sweet I've got him right where I need him and I did anyway so we've gone to this meeting at Langhams and I ended up in the Atlantic bar I didn't know he had part of the Atlantic bar at the time most of the doors in London and ministry and I remember saying to him hate fellas that pull all their money out of their pocket like rubber gangsters and he just as he was going to pay for a drink pulling all the money out I remember just slipping it in but he had guys on different tables plotted up around it he was heavy at the time you know and it was like but he wasn't he owned a good company but he went in persona and he's like I said well I'm not coming out with you tonight I've had these clothes in all day he's like where do you shop and me being the little sly little addict I went to New Bond Street did I shit I dropped him prima sorry I pushed and he went there you go just give me like seven grand to go shopping with and I was like I love you that was it because he wanted to impress me at the same time and we just hit it off and I just told him exactly where Eric was he was my ride or die and I was his ride or die we just grew up and grew out of it he got me man and he taught my kids for the protection for somebody who he was heavily he had a lot of people worked for him with collective money and stuff and I was well heavily protected at all times and I think when you come from a place where you've got people still on you from your past nothing to do with drugs to do with that circle and you've got a young child and you're fearful and you just want to kill yourself he's like to have someone that's got a lot of people that work for him a protection I was safe and he made me feel safe and he said to me listen I know you're not in love with me but I love you and I was straight with him I said listen I'll be honest with you I'm not in love with you I fancy you I fancy you a lot I do and we were together and everything I said but I love you but I'm not in love with you and he said but you will be coming love with me and he kept going on about me to marry and marry him and I said listen I'll be honest with you I'll marry you to give my son a better life and I said exactly what I did and I fell in love with him and I fell in love with him I did as time went on and things happened I fell in love with a guy I did and then as we got older and the kids grew up we fell out of love that's life that's the way things happen and everyone thought I'd run off with all his money and I'd have affairs and we didn't and we were solid but we just grew up and fell out of love So that life he was giving you the protection, the security he gave me that to all my life he gave me that to all my life he gave me that to all my life he gave me that to all my life and I was an absolute walking about ravaged mess that I was the bollocks but I wasn't and he loved me and he nurtured me and I was lucky for that but we both just ended up with a lot of stress and pressure along the way falling out of love and that man's never ever called me a CUNT he's never raised a hand to me he's been nothing but good to me and even with our split it was an amicable split it was cool, I didn't take a penny off him at all because I came in and I said if ever I leave I'll walk away with nothing and he's on good terms now we haven't spoken but you know as long as my daughter gets married she's with her fellow and one day they'll get married and there's no need that we don't have to feet in our joe I'm happy with his partner I just want him to be happy and you just got divorced two weeks ago off to being separated since 2015 why so long it's important I don't want to get married I don't know what he's doing with his life so I know he's got a partner and he's with someone and I'm happy for him but obviously they never really come up at least she's got a beautiful daughter out of it and she's cool and he's a great dad and he took my son on board my son's obviously got his dad no one will ever be his dad but Kevin was a stepfather to him was great to him, I got my gorgeous stepdaughter as well and we had a lot of good times and family times and they showed me the world we had a great life together I held him up when he had a lot of stress we've been business so a lot of good memories from that all good memories really that's the beautiful thing about life it's no matter how much fame and money that is an illusion that is all bullshit it's about the memories the memories is what you remember and he paved for me to have a lot of treatment and a lot of therapy and a lot of other things so how many rehabs have you been in? quite a lot, I know you're asking me I think about nine some places twice when they're done so after these three years what happened? did you get sick because of the drugs? when? recently the very first time no I just left I left enjoying ITB why did you leave? I left to work with Timothy Spawn Frank Stubbs promotes for two years it was obviously and then I flew back to EastEnders and by the time I went back to EastEnders I was really freaking ill how hard was it to watch somebody else play your part? I was happy for that I just got into recovery I got recovery in March had my daughter in September won my son back from custody from the high court in November two days before his third birthday and I got moved house in the December and I got married on the 27th December here around the corner in Chelsea Harbour we hired the Conran Hotel and got married there and they called in the end of January and they were like listen we're bringing Sam back but obviously you've had a lot of trouble and obviously with my nose my face and everything how do you feel about that? I think it was John York I'm not sure John York's great he used to be a prop boy when I first started he's one of the bosses in that adjunct school he said listen Daniel I want to ask you to talk to you about myself and they'll be offering you about recast and I said well I'll be happy for you to recast her I said because I can't put anything in front of my recovery I've got a daughter that's like nearly six months old and I've only just this is the longest clean I've been since I was 13 I was like I can't do it John and he's like I'm really glad you said that I really would like to recast for the minute for your own safety for your safety obviously is paramount I know it hasn't looked that way over the years but we were all new to the media and addiction because life changed at quite a pace back then and the BBC is the BBC and they'd protected me as much as they could but they didn't understand a kid like me and the way media moved fast I don't know how much attention Sid and I got publicly new to them as well and I said whoever it is I wish them all the best and thank you very much so many things have you been back these days? and then I went back after 10 years of being out the show I came back I absolutely loved it I was only meant to be there a couple of months end up staying up until 6 and doing dancing on ice alongside it but I had already planned I had a home in California, Southern California and the kids moved over before because I was still working so I wasn't going to stay full time and I finished dancing on ice literally did the final the week before the final I had to be there for the final and the final finished and two days later I flew back to Kelly Do you think you ever go back to EastEnders? I went back after that as well I've been back twice You've been on EastEnders more times than you've been in rehab I have I think I will someone's talking to me at the minute about a return but I don't know how true or false it is it's my 30 year anniversary that I joined the show I'm a different person today a very different person and I also think the show is missing people to play when I joined there was Pauline Pat a lot of them all were Peggy all them all the characters Sharon's only got so many people to play against Sharon and Kathy although they're related because of Ian and her and Sam have a lot of history Sam hates Sharon It was quite big and I've got a baby with Jack he's the best looking thing in it When you think about it being 30 years ago does that go fuck me? I feel 104, I am 104 but in my head sometimes I feel like I'm 18 but I'm not I want to go back to EastEnders it has to be right for me because obviously I've walked away from everything starting again But you're using it every time you were on EastEnders? No, no I wasn't actually I was clean when I went back after 10 years I was cleaning it over for the whole thing Just because maybe you get the oldy fame and attention again then that's an excuse to start It wasn't any of that when I last relapsed it was because of a marriage breakdown and a few different things in my own weakness What was America like? I loved California My own dog room I went over there in a I was barking in a palace I was barking in a palace and it was all done and I had to doggie daycare and stuff but I learnt to groom dogs, I love animals I love the outdoors I'm really loved I like the horses I love it better than having a small holding so for me and part of me found it being travellers I bought up around horses a lot of my life but yeah and that's my thing I'd be quite happy with a double lodge in the middle of nowhere So right now you're feeling good, you've got plans for the future? Yeah, I've got a few things to do my son and I are thinking about writing a book about my relapse basically, it's therapeutic because from where he is because obviously he had me for 14 years clean and then he was a young adult when I relapsed and I was going to do a chapter about my relapse how to build up to it, how it happened and the fallout and the book was going to be about that and then going back into recovery and as I do a chapter, half a chapter I'll do the other half he'll do from his point of view as a child of that addict and how it felt and the anger and the anguish and how he saw me when I was using and what my states were my psychosis states and everything and how I saw it because I thought the world was against me and that I was lashing out and smashing things up against me and stuff, it wasn't it was because of where my addiction escalated so far if you like so we were going to do a book like that together and I think it would help a lot of people and give the proceeds obviously to a charity for children of addicts and stuff Yeah definitely, people need to get a better understanding of addiction and trauma and pain and the world's in turmoil just now as it's a lot of people are struggling and if the Covid has well happened in the winter time I think it would have been even worse if that night's the winter stuff Do I believe in it? I still don't know I don't know what I believe but I know it's both mental health to a head massively in this country couple that with the recent exam results and that for kids, I'm surprised the suicide rate hasn't been through the roof thank God it hasn't been 250% rising suicides since the coronavirus there's a lot of pressure on kids now with social media with trying to compare everybody everybody's getting photos on their photos and you've got the best looking girls using photos, why? My little girl does a blog actually on hers and she's got a good following she's a good looking kid I know everyone says that about the kids she has got a dream last off a fellow as a Formula 2 driver and I've been together since I was four the kid's been through a lot she didn't see me for five years because of my own illness she lived with her dad How did that affect you? Terribly, I used it even more I just wanted to kill myself, I hated myself even more until my son was like listen you've got two kids here and I'm sitting there holding you up I'm a kid and all so it's hard but you know in a tragic style I wasn't going to get ready until I was ready there's been times I'm still not ready but at the same time it's like for me I look at my daughter and she's done a thing the other day and I'm proud of her, I was like wow she'd come on there and she said listen I used to sit here and cry tell my mum and my nan and that and why don't I look like that person and I've got stretch marks and I've got this and she'd just show the stretch marks on her belly and I'm just me and it's okay to just be you and you don't have to look like these people stunt in a life and she talks massively about it and she works for a big PR company in town and she said you know I work in promotion and PR and it's all about selling a brand and actually working in that industry has helped me realise that I'm selling a brand and that we're just a person we don't have to sell ourselves free into the life and it's not going to change your life it's not going to make us any happier and she said on there actually at the times my mum was clean and sober and the most money she's ever had in her life security, 3 million pound house rocking private plane to go anywhere in the world with my ex-husband did anything I wanted I used to go on like that car three days later I'd have one you know six cars to choose from on the drive and stuff she went and I used to watch my mum cry herself to sleep and I was like she just couldn't understand why she was unhappy she said because it was mental health she said what she got from lots of different things that happened and she just speaks it openly on her blog and says you know we all have issues and it's okay but we need to speak yeah a fair plane, later see the private planes and money in big houses it don't mean shit if you ain't happy with them do you know what my kids say as well my mum and my kids go do you know what mum and when you split up with dad and you did your stubborn shit and end up in a hostel and everything she went and he was running an extension lead under the door to nick the electric out of the hallway because we had nothing because I was a rage and fricking coqued selfish as it is she said we used to lay in bed the three of us freed him with our dog she said burp in the should I burp the alphabet and make cry laugh and it was them things they remember she said but you go through all the times when we've had ten grand birthday parties and stuff she went I can't remember all of them things she said but we laughed you know what I mean and when Kevin started his business up again and he's driving a fricking van and taking the call and hitting his ass as well Mike's husband she went off and sat next to me that's what my kids remember and it's how you come out of it the other side which makes you who you are we're always going to hit obstacles you're going to hit many more but you see when I'm better mindset where you can handle them a bit better do you know what meditation helps me a lot many times I bloody need to but it's the first thing I do when I wake up and I'll never go to bed without listening to a meditation ever I'm really into my Reiki I'm into my spiritual with hagonism I'm amazing when I'm from Scotland amazing when I'm at that Maliki course it's all about energies and values my girlfriend Jodie's, Scotts girl and my Jodie's named after she does all my Reiki for me and she introduced me actually to a guy from Peru who's a spiritual guru guy that released entities from me about all that stuff and I thought it could be anything but just not addiction but yeah like the Reiki I do a lot of yoga I'm looking quite actually looking to come with me Jodie's not feeling the love for it really to go for a month to India to a detox and yoga camp and Reiki camp quite said he'll come with me it's a beautiful thing to be searching for something naturally energies, frequencies, values instead of the external stuff this is all working with fun and that's when you change the way you think you can change the way you feel you change the way you look at the world speeding myself but the brain only repeats what it knows so but you can change you can change the neural pathways hugely it takes 28 days to form a habit, to form it and to break it you do something 28 days every day it becomes a habit consistently though what happens is neurons in the brains which fire together while together so if you do something consistently it creates that and the subconscious mind will flip that and see all the cravings and all that stuff I have a rat one stuff, I get that see me like I said I walked into Big Brother House doing 11 bags a day my head was shot but the minute I woke up the next morning all I've known from a child is work and I woke up the next morning it sets me apart from that being real reality TV people of what it's introduced since 7 years old I know it inside out upside down you know I know when to pull a stump with a press I know when to have a slow news week to throw a set of pictures out I know how to sell pictures and I know what to do with this industry and I make no bones about it I don't have any money so I've fed myself and I look at it and I walked into that house and the minute I open my eyes in the morning that first 30 seconds of me sometimes you go and I thought yeah I'm at work go to work and there were days I was clocking I ain't gonna lie I weren't stays when I thought I could die for a bit or this and that I'm at work work's always coming first Mass comes on you know how to play the actor and now today I know how to reach out for help Darren Day was in the house and Jolly Partridge both of them have been a lot of recovery and I used to just talk to them Darren Day's one of my best mates in the world and you know I can speak to the guys about anything I'm very lucky today I've got people within this industry that have walked the path I've walked and they've been knocked down by the press and that because of their own stupid mistakes as well and they get me and don't judge me for sure because you got to the phenome big brother did you start using as soon as you get out? yeah same night straight out of there on all the load again my son just looked at me and went what the fuck are you doing I was like I didn't know I had no zero remorse or respect that's where I was at I didn't know I was spiritually in another thing I'd not been on my own since I was 15 years of age I've always been in a relationship in the last 18 months two years I've not been and you know what it's been like it's been a breath of fresh air that's where you find yourself because too many different people around you too many different energies you try and adapt to everybody else and say they're sitting in your own comfort sitting with your own thoughts and it's a dangerous place to be as well it is and you know what I put myself in the last year in some shitty whole situations man I shouldn't be in and I sit there and I think what the fuck are you doing Westbrook sometimes I've got a thing and someone sent me a quote out of nowhere someone of Twitter just sent me something and I don't know who the fuck it was sent me this one and I thought you might need this today and then left my page and it just said it had a picture of a lion a brief like roaring and it just said take a deep breath and remember who the fuck you are and I've got it and within two days I've packed my bags and moved from Liverpool back to London in a mad sense and then I went back to Liverpool again but even so I needed sometimes reality checks and stuff I like I don't know for me certain things come up flag up at one time or another it's a spiritual hook up sometimes any touch on self-harm when was the first time you were self-harmed oh good a first self-harm was a child after I've been abused I think about 11 a lot of people I went to school with used to eat soap to keep their weight down I never actually cause I just love food I'm never going to keep I've heard about that and then people were in pain with different things and then one girl said to me well I just I burn myself I thought what do you mean you burn yourself I just burn myself it's hot and it bubbles and I remember sitting there thinking about it thinking about it and I was at home one day and my mum was in hospital we can't so I had so much shit going on in my head I can't remember the exact things it's not correct 100% but I remember sitting there in the bathroom I was just thinking fuck it and I caught my dad's light my dad said a big old fat sip o light we could have been a worse thing you could burn yourself with it wasn't like a clip but it was a big fat and I was just holding it there and holding it there and it was on me like it wasn't even on my arm it was on my leg here and I got a scar for it and that was that and I thought what do you do that for I remember bubbling up and going yellow and everything I panicked about about three days later I had to say to my dad because my mum was in hospital Dad I burnt my leg with a kettle climbing up to get something like the kettle boy and it's burnt on my leg and he looked at it he was like what the fuck is that he looked straight to the hospital I remember seeing the shock in him he was like why didn't you tell me it looked like a conceptic and stuff didn't do it again for many years and then when I was with Brian and I was in a lot of pain the height of my addiction back then the first time and he was away all the time Australia touring a week set time I was just a burn myself burn myself all the time and I burnt lumps out of my face I've cut my face here I've peaked cuts here I've cut all over my face I've got scars all over me from so far but like especially on my arms was I never used to do my arms and in the last 18 months I've done a lot still teres there not so much of this day I don't do it now this week I haven't done it I haven't done it for probably about four months that shows that you're getting stronger then yeah I've lost to be learning much I've just been chewing stuff and a lot of things I can't cry I look so ugly but yeah I still do sometimes I don't realise I'm doing it so when you get a bit of trauma a bit of pain you're going self-harm to try and make yourself feel better but I don't always know what I'm doing I'll be upset and I'll just do it sort of if you're lost because I know your old boys get dementia as well been speaking quite a lot the last few weeks that's when you're going through a lot of shit it's life shit it's not self-inflicted shit it's adult shit the age of people start dying it's just natural and it's like I'm getting there and I'm getting there I'll reach out today there's always been people I can speak to I just didn't want to reach out I just wanted to use where was it first time you went to rehab I first went to rehab to do with Elton John actually put me through got in touch with someone when I was after I first left EastEnders the first time after ITV I went back to EastEnders the second time and I came away to do when they put me in rehab for a little while what was that like? I was just horrible little shit I didn't want to talk to my councillor was Scottish actually he was a great guy and he was a good guy and I threw tantrums I wanted to be thrown out I tried to run away all of that shit I just didn't want to be there I thought it was better than everyone else but you're only young I was on the telly and I thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread and I used to look at everyone and go oh my god these people with drug addicts it was so are you love but I didn't see it like that I just didn't want to be there I wanted to be out partying when did it really start to take its talk when people started noticing oh I was with Brian and I was looking myself in the house and self harming probably just over an ounce and half a week to myself indoors paying the fucking milkman for the litter box taping up windows you're getting paranoid I was like six and a half stone when they put me in the rehab that time when did the nasal septum when did that start going that went on right before I got married that massive time no one would fly me to Arizona I was with Cheryl Barrymore as my agent and Michael's wife she tried everything to get me everywhere her and Kevin, my husband and I were three months pregnant with my daughter and that time I was banging all sorts I was doing coke, doing crack doing all sorts of stuff and I was bad and they said to me and I started capping fits all the time and my son was three and I was like no I was kind coming up no I didn't get back to this through, I was under three and he used to always try and put Mars bars in my mouth and he used to scream and scream and scream because somebody in my block was ringing and I was trying to get in and ring ambulances and stuff and I had overdosed in Cheryl Barrymore's house in Stanhope Mews around the corner and he ran up to me and said Cheryl my mum is blue and I was down in her basement in her apartment down there and he went into in the other part of the house and said my mum is blue and he was nearly three years old and they called me an ambulance and stuff and she was wary about calling me a private ambulance obviously because it was me and I was pregnant with Jody I was three months pregnant with Jody and I was fricking ill and then all my organs were giving up and he said to me I had about six weeks to live and I didn't give a shit I did not give a shit and she was like oh and somebody's got to give it so she got on to beaching my counciller and other people and Dr Brenner was was the head physician at the priory at the time and like the priory like listen we've had a rare five times we really can't help her it was out of our control really is so the last thing is Cotwood went to Arizona, I've been to Betty Ford went to Arizona and I was going to her but I don't need to go to treatment I need to go to Champneys still completely gone in there and I thought hell fine would do it for me and she went no you need to go and not one hell on the fly me every time she went to book they were like no we won't fly her because it was all over the press that I'd overdosed and I've been on a show called the priory and she fucked up my head on it and she showed it back to me and she was like this is what you look like and I was about six stone wet pregnant three months pregnant as well and I sent my mum near enough for a breakdown and stuff and I said alright I'll go and the only person that would fly me was Richard Branson, Virgin only people, thank God for him and they flew me there but even on that flight Kevin got the guy that used to be Luke, big guy to take me and ended up shackling me to the streets to the seat halfway to LA because I was in first class I was abusing him on the phone with the credit card machine I bought everything from duty free and I went in the toilet and had a cigarette everyone's laying in their bed to sleep in first paid a fortune and the stewardess is looking on there are you smoking in there and I opened the door of a cigarette I went yeah what you're going to do it was horrible because they knew I only had six weeks to live it had been all over the papers Morgans were shutting down and they didn't want to fly me without a shoe not going to go over and die on their plane on the rail line and they had to have got the captain radio through to control and they were going to get me to LAX turn me around and send me back and extradite me from the States and it got up to their head off at the virgin and they said no don't do that to her give her the benefit of the doubt if you have to shackle her and then ask Luke to give me valiums and everything else that he had with him just to let me sleep it till I get to LA then that's what they did and thank God they did it's difficult as well if you've got addiction problems it's hard to take never mind being splattered all over the press but I used that to my advantage all the time did you still get money from it I used it to my advantage I got money for it right up until not so much when I was married because I was married I didn't need the money so when we did our wedding we gave all of that to a drug charity we were sober then but even up until the last time I went in treatment I was doing pat pitches churning up pat pitches fricking daily with absolutely zero self-respect just to pay for my habit yeah it was only thanks to Jeremy intervening on Jeremy Coulson that got me there because Jesus was my mate and went this and this thing up you know more and bang I was in Rio for three days was there ever a time you went to rehab and fought that I was going to really give it a try here to change my life Arizona yeah and the last time I went just recently other than that I'll be honest if you know not once I went for everybody else yeah the 14 years were off at how were you feeling I was alright I was happy to be clean so I didn't crave it once at all but I had everything around me I needed and I was happy maybe and I was life was great and anything I wanted I had my own parking spot and stuff things that were so important to my materialistic little life I had but I still felt empty I felt soulless and I couldn't understand it and I didn't realise I had mental health you understand that a bit more now I've really researched it and my son's a great advocate for research and fricking everything so we know and I've done a lot of work and obviously finding this councillor Michelle at PCP that I found was funny now and off at the priory I worked with her and she just opened so many doors to me with mental health and explained I take medication for bipolar for oh yeah that curtain I've had medication for bipolar I've got schizophrenia, borderline schizophrenia borderline personality disorder so many different things so many different strands when they diagnosed me with that first of all in America I was like oh it's American jog and I love to box everything off everyone's own tablets in the States Valiums and everything else and Xanax but no man I need a medication you've had that heartbreaking story as well heartbreaking life tough up bringing but you're still all so successful and everything you've been through you're still here fighting and I always say if you've got air in your lungs you've got something to give now you're going to help a lot of people through addiction who's been abused and now you're standing here fighting you're standing here telling your story that shows strength, that shows guts, that shows courage you're clearly a fighter you don't want to give up or else you wouldn't fucking be here you can't keep something as well if you don't give something away and that's why I think I didn't keep my recovery the first time where I didn't give anything away I kept it all for me do you think the time is now though the time is now, do you know what I don't know what I'm going to do there are different things that come in my path but something's going to happen and I can feel it and I know it's brewing and I feel stronger and I feel strong enough to do it I want to go back to work I'd like to go back to EastEnders even if it's only for three months just to round something up for me I'd like to go back full time for a few years really and take over the bit do you feel as after I rescued you? I think I was a risk now I'm not a risk and I have no baggage driver now fellas and boyfriends and husbands and I'm just me and the dog were you a sex addict? do you know what no I wasn't because I used to put sex as I said I felt nothing with sex for years but I used sex as a manipulation tool and I still did right up until the last winter recovery be honest with you but I did I used to get off on it this is a new chapter for you you're divorced, you're clean you're sober, you're feeling good you're not self harming, you're speaking openly in honesty I'm using the tools that I've been given and I'm using what God's given me around and I've learnt today what's really important to me is feeding myself and I won't take a decision or an offer of work or even what I'm going to live even what I'm doing that week sometimes if someone's inviting me to do something I'll ring Kai and I'll go mum and you need to start making your own decisions but Kai, that's good for me to go out and be around him I was meant to go to Beaver for the whole summer he goes massage and all that and then do this not a holy but like a spiritual thing and I went listen I'll know it ain't going to be spiritual for me one trip to Ocean Beach I'm going to be right there on the fucking LP army and I'm going to be partying the whole summer so I'm going on this spiritual type thing you go to Beaver for a season spiritually he's like I've heard it all now he said you might as well get a gun and stick it to your head because you're coming back in a box he said you're nearly 47 you haven't got that many goes around left in you so he said I'm starting to wear thin now and he was right and I went you know what when you put it like that you're right kid you went mum you know you're going to have a trip to Ocean Beach you're not going to be able to help yourself you're going to be surrounded by people in your party lifestyle that are going to do you up he said that would be you done so obviously I think Covid happened anyway not thank god but you know what I mean Kai really has a drink he smokes but yeah I mean he can have a drink Ross and Stevie both help me how come Ross didn't say my life so much but he um I passed out once at the top of the stairs in a Vic and hit the deck cos I was just constantly would have that thing with Coke where I was doing that much and then I was gouged like that out with stuff where I needed to have a line well I'd be up for days and I would gouge out really bad almost like hearing gouges out I'd be like that bad with drugs so I'm a blocking of what he's blocking his shirt and I just went over a ping gone down but I fell from top to bottom of the stairs on the Vic and Ross just caught me like that and he held me in his hands and they said um come over from the top board on a mic like that press to that and pick her up and make her work and Ross just looked and Stevie just I just remember coming to and seeing Steve Steve always worries me anyway I cried like that and Steve went fad and he's got that look about he's like a big brother and he went no I won't and I remember being in his arms like that and Bob was only little like that and she looked up at the patour from like that and they went no we're not doing it she's ill the kids ill she's fucking ill he said she needs an ambulance to get her an ambulance she's just overdosing and they said make her work and he said I'll stand down and then a couple of the crew 250 grand a day to make his standards and no one stands down your work they love me that's a good thing though and that shows you your character that you're very well liked you're very well respected I was dying I was overdosing he's still in good contact with a lot of people from spoke to Ross he got stung by wasps and sent him a little message he's out there doing stuff I'm so proud of him I've spoke to Stevie Frages actually but I normally go and try to get to see him in pants I was going to try and get to see him in pants I lost you I didn't get around to it but Steve I do barb but I spoke I saw a bar just before the corona happened I went round to see a bar and I'm hoping now it's a bit clearer I'll speak to Scott now I'm back in town I'm back down from Liverpool at the minute I love Liverpool I just love it I just love Scass I love your show they love you they love you they're all on the phone they're all nuts every gang that I've had down here they're nuts they're fucking all crazy do you know what they are? they're real they're all fucking bonkers and they do anything for you I love living up there and I just never had a bunch of more people on me pals there how is it talking about all this to bring back a lot of emotion for you? yeah I've worked a lot on it with Michelle with my councillor and don't get me wrong James I'm not going to lie I'm not a perfect girl I'm never going to be a perfect girl I'm always going to make mistakes I'm only human but I do have a tendency to put myself up dust myself off but I have a conscience today that I didn't have before because I was carrying other peoples and today I have my own and that being rude people say a lot of things about me whatever you know what we're all judges people no matter who we are sit at home and watch the footage and I think I'm the manager of the team or I watch the box and I think I'm the freaking I'll try getting there and do it not but you know we're all judge people to a point and that's okay but today other people's opinion on me I had to lose the ego along with a lot of things because the ego is what held back my fear and thinking about the past and stuff and today the only people's opinion on me that counts is the people I love other people's opinion don't pay my bills and um you know and if I think I've hurt my kids or the people in my closet crows and legs or my junior and that and people that are very close to me then that breaks my heart everyone else is like I don't set out to intentionally upset people but people are going to talk about me good or bad but people need to understand what your story is and what your background is and I think you're phenomenal you've been sitting here the show's courageous it's quite phenomenal yourself son I'll edit this don't worry come at me and just rescue me off the side when I was eating the eggs when I was eating the meal just creed it up to the eyeball and smuffed it out of me now what you're doing is phenomenal and for what you've came through and the success you've had as well as much as we can touch on all the fucking pain and misery you're still very successful I've had a great life and worked with some of the best people give anything to have half of the success you've had I'm blessed this is only the beginning I'll always tell people this is only starting the best years of your life are ahead of you that's the past me and you baby that's all the past let's go on about the future let's go on about what's your plans for the future tell me as mad as it is do you know what I don't know take it day by day at the minute I've got a few things coming my way actually even I'm not fast I don't get excited about it I'm excited about booking my trip to India and doing my reiki course and doing my stuff with detox I'm excited about travelling with my kids maybe doing this book I don't worry about the contact with these tenders if it's going to happen it's going to be happen until I'm there on set doing it in happening for me but I've got a lot of things people ask me to do different things I just think there's a plan out there for me but I know it's a massive change in my psyche the last six months coming around and I've woken up to it and I'm not quite sure where I'm putting my roots down what I'm doing or where I'm going but I know it's going to be a huge change this time next year I'm going to be a very different person to what I am today and a positive elite hugely testing the process I see you're very well liked your success shows it but again when you've got that vulnerability of being honest and open and I know you went on in therapy that's where you opened up and it's kind of changed things but I release for you I'm not ashamed of it I just don't want my shit you shouldn't be and I think people watching this will understand I know your story's been there for years but you've never really went in and just had a normal conversation twisted with fake things, getting edited not 5 minutes, not 10 minutes it's just you yes you are fucked up and I have a crazy crack and I think that's why my scars pals love me because I'm a absolute crank they're like where's Stephen, you're a crank but I am and I'm like do you know what I've never felt the last year more accepted by a bunch of people than I have been with my friends there as well and they've just loved me they've just picked me up they've picked me up and love me and I've got a good mate of mine up there and I love her to bits and she's just been a great friend to me it's amazing and this is only the beginning and for you coming on to dating listen as much as we are here to let you tell your story you're still bringing yourself on you're a big name to come on my show as well I was so nervous to come on here I know I can understand you that's cos I slowed down but you did because when you're on the phone sometimes a guy I'm what did you say to him it takes me so very good yeah so it's amazing what you've done I get it shy and embarrassed, I do you should have seen his own the fucking coke though but you won't shy then no for coming on today I really appreciate it and I genuinely are rooting for you and I wish you all the best for the future and I can't wait to see what you're doing because I hope to see you in a tale again I'm going on thank you for having me on it's an absolute pleasure, love you babe seek to you soon thank you