 You're listening to highlights from The David Feldman Show, heard nationwide on Pacifica Radio, or as a podcast on iTunes, Stitcher, and now YouTube. Please subscribe to this channel. For more information, go to davidfeldmanshow.com. Thank you for listening. The David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you. You sad pathetic humps. Okay, we're rolling. I'm going to test you one more time. Ready? Okay, okay. Yes, sir. I'm doing a sound check. Should I speak a little bit longer than just two words to you? The sound check could be correct, more accurate. No, it sounds good, but now I'm testing your memory. Ready? Okay, that's even worse. Yes. Who used to do this? Test, test, shit, fuck, fuck, shit, test, testing, testies, shit, fuck, motherfucker, shit, fuck, test, test. John Cantu? Oh, you're close. Oh, is John right, or is it somebody who ran the zoo right? John is right. John Ross? No. John means? Yes. Dr. Gonzo. Dr. Gonzo used to do his sound checks. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Winter weather chicken dinner. Winter winter sheen dinner. Oh, that's dating myself. Mark Pitta joins us from the Bay Area. He was in New York City last week and we got to hang out. You know, you're a better human being than I am. I just wanted to call and tell you that. of it. I watched your trip to New York and I realized you were better than me in every way as a friend, as a comedian, as a man. You just, you have this way about you and you were in New York and you visited friends, you visited Jimmy Celeste and Alex Bennett. I've been living here for three years. I haven't had time to see them. You hang out with people, they could be Dana Carvey. They can be the guy who used to clean your house. It doesn't matter. You're a man of the people. You're a good human being. Well, I think if you live in the same city as your friends, you don't see them as much, but when you only have like three or four days, you see the opportunity. So I'm never in New York and I always find myself in New York going, oh, and Alex Bennett had reached out to me when he heard I was going through a divorce and he's had sympathy for me. I went over there. He went out to dinner in Harlem and it was fantastic. Took the subway a couple times. You saw Jimmy Celeste. I spoke to Jimmy for a minute. I started to cry. I haven't seen him in 13 years and then I start going, I'm a horrible human being. I've been living in the city all these years. I still haven't found time to see Jimmy. Well, how far are you? I don't know where you live, so I won't, but how far are you from Washington Square Park? I've become a shut in. It's like, it's everything is work, stand up. Can I get laid? Can I read? I've broken it down to the bare essentials and I'm cheating myself out of life. I think I haven't figured out. Well, especially in that city, because there's so much, it's just fun to walk around. I might as well walk around and have coffee with a friend for half an hour. I'll be your life coach. How about that? Okay. I had a great time with you. You were in town to pick up a Lifetime Achievement Award for a friend. He couldn't make it. Stop it. This is, you know what? I don't know if I want to ask this question now or after your listeners hear the story, but I got to go wait till after they hear the story. I was in town because Jerry Lewis, Jerry Lewis is 92 and I think he wants to leave something behind and he noticed that comedians don't get recognized. They hardly ever went Oscars. You could say Woody Allen, Kevin Klein for a fish called Wanda, but a lot of comedy doesn't get a lot of attention and it's the harder thing to do. The Mark Twain Award, okay, there's that, but I think Jerry wanted to establish something because the Friars are like separate. It's just a different thing. So it's the Legionnaires of Laughter and there's a lot of great comedians on the list and I think he wanted to establish it, but the Lifetime Achievement Award will forever be known as the Robin Williams Lifetime Achievement Award. He wanted his name on that award. Jerry wanted Robin's name on that award. Yes. Yes. Because as you heard in the show when I forgot who it was who was speaking, I believe it was Jerry's manager from Australia who's known for 30 years said, when Robin passed away, Jerry turned off his phones for two days and then when he finally spoke, he just says, I don't understand. And like we all didn't. And it's interesting to see, you know, Robin touched a lot of people, but you forget he touched a lot of comedians too that admired him. And I'm surprised to even know that, Jerry Lewis felt that way about Robin. Me too. I was surprised too. Jerry couldn't make it that night. There was a big dinner at, was it Cipriani's downtown? Cipriani's Wall Street. Uh-huh. Beautiful location. And it's gorgeous. Yeah. And this Jerry's Kids thing. They go Jerry's house. Jerry's house. It's fraternal kids. There's one in Australia, one in New York and it's kind of like a cool looking hospital for kids like everything's colorful and, you know, and they try to make it for the kids not so horrible. And, you know, laughter does something scientifically to our bodies. It releases a dolphin. So it's always better to laugh even if you're, you know, on your way out. Oh, that didn't come out right. Yeah. I'm not a very good public speaker, as you know. Well, we'll get to that in a second. It's called Jerry's house. Jerry's house. It's actually, yeah, the picture of you and I that I posted actually says Jerry's house on the wall behind us. So it's Jerry's house. By the way, it's no longer really associated with MDA. Right. So it's Jerry's house. And it was invented at the time by a 10-year-old Australian comic. Right? He invented, I thought he invented the toy that Jerry wanted to fill the hospital with this toy. You press a button and it makes a funny sound and makes you laugh for a second. Oh, I thought that kid came to Jerry and said, what if he invented a toy? He invented that toy. Oh, you know, there might be more of a correct explanation of how Jerry's house came about. But I'm still in a daze from that whole event. So I had a great time because it was a rainy day in New York and you were staying at a really nice hotel. And I thought, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to do what a normal human being does. I'm going to accompany a friend and just give moral support. There'll be nothing in it for me. I'll just hang out. I won't bring my microphone. I won't do a podcast. I'll just be. Well, what was in the bag then, David, that you carried around? Well, you never know if I want to stop being. No, I didn't. Did I bring a bag? Yeah, it's in the photo. You have your bag. You have your equipment in there. Oh, I'm surprised you didn't tackle, you know, Sherwood and Colin from who's lying to get them on your podcast. I think I was creeping them out. They were the host of the evening. I kept laughing at anything that wasn't funny. So they were like looking at me going, is this guy trying to sabotage the evening? You went up. You did brilliant stand up. You explained why Jerry couldn't make it. There was something wrong with his what? This is a blame. And it was a swollen whoa. Don't put up, but don't lick it. No, I told the story of meeting him for the first time, which is a true story about me doing the 90 professor voice to him. And I, because my mind, I don't know if you know this and people listen to you from all around the country. There was a place in South Lake Tahoe, the South Shore room in South Lake Tahoe at Caesars. And when back in the day, if parents brought their kids, they had to shove their kids into this movie theater that they had so they can go gamble. And they would play the 90 professor over and over again. And or they would play three stooges in orbit. And I watched the Navy professor so much it was memorized in my DNA by that point. And when I met Jerry, I said, Yeah, my mother wanted to go to a doctor because I would say, Mother, if you're making flat bread or pancakes, as you call them, I would like my bacon crisp and the orange juice freshly squeezed. And Jerry said, that is the best country boker by the way, that reminds me of that joke. The guy, the casino goes outside, finds a high roller. Can I borrow 300 bucks? How do I know you're just not gonna, you know, gamble it away? And he goes, Oh, I got gambling money. I really shorten it too. I like that. Well, and what was the clown, the clown joke? What's that? Clown? Oh, the clown joke. What? Wait a minute. The depressed guy wants to kill himself. It goes to a shrink. That's a famous joke. Oh, yeah, you can make you can make up the name of the clown. But this is no, no, it's the shrink tells the guy, the guy says, I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna off myself. I'm just life isn't worth it. Nothing's going right for me. My wife left me. My kids don't talk to me. I live in a hovel. And he says, look, look, look, look. The psychiatrist says the patient go see Puccinelli the clown. And I'm telling you, he's fantastic. So if you see Puccinelli the clown, you don't have a new way of looking at life, then we can talk. And the patient says, I am Puccinelli the clown. That says it all right there by comedy and the darkness of it. Well, I don't think comedy itself is dark. I think what leads up to it is dark. What leads up to the show, what leads up to the show and afterwards is dark. I would think, you know, a lot of comics. And back when we were starting, there was maybe 600. Now there's so many. It's just ridiculous. And they're all influenced by other people. No one's influenced by the great comics anymore. I find that that's unnerving that comics don't know comic history. That's my biggest complaint about any comedian, though. It's like, you don't know comedy history. Like it's, it's all there for you. But wasn't that the complaint I remember in Mr. Saturday night, he was saying, you don't know who Myron Cohen is. You must know who these people are. I mean, hasn't that been a complaint throughout time? Yeah. Because you could learn from everyone, you know, you can hear an old joke. Some, some like Mort Saul was so in the moment, his stuff is hard to understand because you didn't read the paper that day and that day was 1966 or whatever. You just, well, he was so on the money with topical stuff that you didn't really have no history to understand that stuff. But I should mention that Mark Pitta gets to have lunch or dinner or breakfast with Mort Saul once a week. Pretty much I, it's right now he's, he's going through some tough times with his eyes, his vision, he's going to have an operation and he's, you know, he just turned 90 and his memory is still, still there. Great. He's a little slower. He's got a hearing aid, Robin Williams bought for him actually. But sometimes I, he hasn't ever returned my calls lately, because he can't hear his phone and he can't find his phone. But, but you know, it's funny about Mort is I could just go over there and knock on the door. Come on in, towel. You know, he's like, open door, it's an open door policy here. Wow. Wow. Up in Mill Valley and he performs there every Thursday night. If you have Twitter and Periscope, you can watch him perform. There's a great interview that he did with Mr. Curtis, James Curtis, who wrote the new biography about him. Fascinating. Mort has some insight into relationships that he's been digging into since the 50s. He's been trying to understand women since the fifties. And before I got my divorce, I didn't quite understand what he was talking about. But now a lot of it, a lot of it makes sense, doesn't it? What does that say about men and women that Mort's been trying to talk about this that long and we still haven't got the answer that says, you know, there's still a mystery these women. Do you think this goes on in other countries or is it just an American phenomenon? I think it's American. I think we're such a transactional society that people look at one another and they put a price on love, not necessarily money, but it's like, what can you do for me? I'll scratch your back. You filate me. Everything is right. Don't you think I don't know if that goes on in Italy, where everybody has health insurance and a safety net. I think people in Europe marry for love and not control. What do you think? I think so too. I tend to agree with that, although I haven't spent a lot of time in other countries to observe that. But, you know, like, I couldn't see Italians. Now, when you were hiding out in Sicily until things blew over, you had a girlfriend. She used to learn how to drive in your car. And she said, you taught her the days of the week, right? And I think you have a tape of that. I think Fabrizio. Fabrizio, who's the guy you brought into the room when it's stunk, and he would just breathe for a little while. And Fabrizio. Now, I'm going to congratulate that. The guy's name is Godfather. And like now, it's, you know, it's something with the laundry room. Fabrizio. That's him. Why is he now? Pizza? Okay, we take that. You know, Pacino has several voices. The early Godfather Pacino is very nasal, and he's talking like this, like he's got braces on. And he continued that with superco. You know, why am I going to go? And then we had a long day after. This guy's so mad. This guy wants to kill me so bad, he could taste it. And then he got older and then it's like he had removed the braces and the monster was released. Oh, there it came out like this. We don't know what happened. I claim, and I think I'm right, Dick Tracy turned him, because Dick Tracy is the first time in all that makeup, but we knew he was like, I wanted generals. What do I got? What soldiers? And then on, he did that the rest of his career. The yelling guy. And I understand Bill Cosby is hanging out with you today, just kicking back. You're helping him teach. You want to speak to David again? All right, Bill, you're okay. Do you want to ask Bill? Here, Bill, take the phone. Hey, Bill, congratulations on the. What's going on? Did you hear I got out yet? Well, temporarily, sir. Oh, this is one of the many of the series is like having a TV show and getting renewed. I understand you're teaching a class and how to avoid getting accused of sexual assault. You know, you got a lecture on what you know. And I know all about that. So I figured, you know, taking my little tidbits of information handed out to the others, the people. Sorry, I didn't expect to do this today. Oh, Dana Carvey. Oh, sorry. I just, I just, you know, my brain works this way, but Dana Carvey told me a story about where I met tough guys, the movie, his first movie, and he made it with Kirk Douglas and Bert Lancaster. And he said that, you know, Bert was like 77. It's like, we're going to rob the bank line. You know, he just, there were like 35 takes with Lancaster. Then they do coverage for Kirk Douglas. They did 20, 22 takes. Then they do coverage for Dana. Dana would do his line once and Kirk would go, I think we got it. It's a wrap. And he told me that Kirk, no, Bert Lancaster and Harry Hamlin was at some press event where they were announcing something. And this was, you know, Bert Lancaster gay. Everybody asked that, right? So they go back to the hotel and all of a sudden, Harry Hamlin's going to knock on the door and he opens the door and it's Bert Lancaster. And Harry Hamlin goes, I'm not gay. And Bert Lancaster goes, I understand. He walks away. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Bert Lancaster was going to Harry Hamlin's room and Harry Hamlin just said, I'm not gay. And Bert said, I understand and walked away. But Bert Lancaster? Yeah, that's a big rumor for a while. Bert Lancaster? I'll take it back to cut that out. I don't want to make people think I'm the one that outed them. Well, gotta keep that in now. Okay. He gave my permission. Let's wait. What do you do with Bert Lancaster? Yeah, Bill, I am trying to have a conversation with a friend of mine. Let me tell your listeners. David Selbin, if you ever want him to laugh, just do Bill Cosby. Did you ever hear, oh, I know what you asked me before. You said, what do you want to plug? I wrote a song about Bill Cosby that's on YouTube to all the girls I've drugged before. Why didn't I just buy a horn? We're listening to. I rhyme some pretty good stuff in there. My favorite was TMZ on every corner. Even Malcolm Jimmel Warner knows what I've done before. All right, let's move on, David. Is that really on YouTube? Yeah, it's got a picture of Cosby from his album and I scratched that it died. So it looks like I'm not happy about that. Yeah, now you could get away with that because women don't find anything that comes out of your mouth offensive. If I did that, it would come across as trivializing what he did. Have you ever gotten into trouble? Isn't that hard? Have you ever gotten into trouble? Isn't that the case about everything, though? It's like, if we have to second-guess our jokes, that's going to be the downfall. You know, you've got to try them all. Have you ever gotten into trouble with women in the audience? I can't imagine you. By saying something offending, you mean? Yeah. One time I did. One time I did, but it wasn't the woman who was upset. It was her boyfriend. And it was Charlie, not Charlie Goodnights. That was in North Carolina. It was a barrier. It was one of those restaurants that I come in. Charlie Hebdo's was Charlie Hebdo's. It was a French restaurant. And no, it was Charlie. Anyway, it doesn't matter what the venue was. But I was MCing. That was very green and Slayton was headlining. And I said something that I got. This woman couldn't stop talking. And instead of doing the ol' heckler lines, I just said, ma'am, here's something you'll never hear. Oh, you smell good. And you're not going to believe this. And a glass ashtray whizzed by my head that her boyfriend threw. And it hit the back wall. That's how much on a flat. Well, you know, that hit me in the mouth. It was over. Slayton comes out of the kitchen with a meat cleaver. And it kind of saved the day, but it was ugly for a while. I learned a little bit that day. I kept the ashtray, too. It's I had it for a long time. I once had a woman throw a fork and it hit me in the glasses. Oh, yeah. And I was in a bad mood. It was a fundraiser in San Francisco for Willie Brown and the Democratic Party. Must have been the mid 90s. And I had had it with the politically correct in San Francisco. I made a harmless joke about, I don't know, Hillary Clinton or something. A fork hit me right in the glasses. And I just stopped and I made a big thing out of it. Because I just wanted to show how dangerous these liberals can be. And I kind of and the woman started crying and made me feel bad. She tried to make me feel bad that she threw the fork at my glasses and I stopped the performance. And she kept crying and and and she kept saying he was wearing glasses. He didn't he's not hurt. He was wearing glasses and everybody was saying if he hadn't been wearing glasses, you would have taken his eye out. And I said, Larry Brown was with me and we were just sitting in the dressing room and I shut the door and we were laughing so hard because these liberals in San Francisco were exposed for how hateful and dangerous they can be with this politically correct crap. Well, the one guy I do remember getting into most trouble with women was Rick Reynolds. Well, yeah. He would have jokes just you know what? They were so rude. I can't even quote him. Me neither. Me neither. They're really bad. I mean, I remember I remember coming to Cobbs one night, he was headlining and he says to this woman, so you believe in Jesus. And she says, yes, I do. And you think he's going to punish me for not believing in him? Yes, I do. And then he says, well, let's give it a try, shall we? And he looks up to the sky and he starts cursing out. Jesus, I, you know, I won't even imagine the worst possible words you could say to Jesus. And then he pauses and says, I'm waiting. I'm waiting. You know, that reminds me of that scene in Cool Hand Luke where it's raining. This guy could have my life anytime he wants to. Come on, old timer. You know, yelling at God. And the last line is standing in the rain, talking to myself. But Rick was different. Rick was kind of a troublemaker instigator. We played a prison together. Oh, you were there for that story? Oh, my gosh. With Jose Simone, Joe Simon, when he's looking for work. And yeah, it was Santa Rita prison level five. I mean, murderers, rapists. I got so claustrophobic. We go in there and they're telling us whatever you do. Don't talk to the crowd and don't make fun of the warden. That's the first thing I go up and I bomb and they kept saying, turn around, turn around. And I'm thinking, you know, I think my hair plugs are good. I swear to God, Mark, I swear to you, they keep screaming, turn around, turn around. And I'm thinking they they're checking out my hair transplants. They want to see the bald patch in the back and I turn around and they start whistling. At me. They were checking out my ass. And like, I never get any attention from women. And I'm thinking, well, this is kind of nice. I swear to God, this is kind of nice to be appreciated. And I shook my ass and they all cheered. And then oh, my gosh. Yeah. And then I so I get off stage and I'm really kind of scared. I just want to get home. I'm very claustrophobic. I keep thinking they're not going to let me after not going to let me out. Jose goes up and he performs and then Rick goes up and he was told specifically not to make fun of the warden. And the first line out of Rick Reynolds' mouth is good evening, laid men and men. He sticks out his index finger and he goes, I just got finished finger banging warden McGuire's wife line up here for a sniff. And the rafters start, I mean, it's like, I thought we had the prison riot in cell box three. I mean, it was it was one of the worst. Santa Rita. Wow. And that's that's where. Yeah. That's some famous people. Santa Rita. Quentin had Charlie Manson. It still has Scott Peterson. Who is the mad? I'm Heidi. Heidi Fleiss in Santa Rita. Yeah, she was in Santa Rita. Have you ever played a prison? No, no, no, no. Yeah, I and Robin Williams would always say, if you want to come with me, you know, I rack fly with me because I fly with the generals. And I'm like, if I being a black cop helicopter, I would just be frightened. You know, so unfortunately, I don't have that gene that says, you know, help others. But as long as I could drive home after. I don't think so. I think I would go now during the war. I was genuinely afraid of going over. I put out feelers. They weren't interested in me. I kind of did some things at a marine base. They didn't want me. I didn't have the kind of act that would have worked for our soldiers. I don't think I've ever told this story to anybody except privately. But I did a show. Excuse me. I was hired to do a show at Travis Air Force Base. It was a Christmas party. I talked to the woman. I said that, you know, it's near like a riser, you know, lights, microphones in the audience face to me. I'm good. And she's okay. So I get to the venue, which is a some country club. And I walk in the room and there's a band on stage. I'm like, yeah, it's perfect, perfect, good setup. Oh, but you're not doing the show there. Where am I doing it? And she kind of gestures to the lobby. And it was this overflow crowd that they screwed up and they couldn't secure the room I was supposed to perform it. So they had a podium with one of those microphones that are attached to the podium. And I, my act, I move around. I'm very, you know, I don't do one liars. You know, you have to watch me full body. I said, I don't think I could do the show. I said, they can't, half the room can't see me. If I turned to the left, the other room can't see me. And the speakers were behind me pointed to an empty dance pool. I go, this is the worst setup I've ever seen. And, and I said, well, let me, they go, we have to do it. So let me, let me, let me go out to my car for a second. And I called the woman who had booked it. She goes, well, just don't do it. So I'm walking back and these goons are out there. These tall dudes outside the, and they go, are you the comedian? And I went, no. Yeah, you are. What's the problem? I go, well, what do you do for a living? And I'm air traffic control. I go, what if it took your equipment away? Could you do your job? You know, let's talk, let's talk over here. And he points to like the darkest part outside of that alley. I'm like, I'm not going to go over there. And, and he says, look, and I'll never forget this. He goes, he points at me. He goes, we protect this country to provide you the freedom to do what you want to do with your life. And I looked at him and I said, who protects me from you right now? And I walked back, let me give another shot. I walked back in and I look and I'm like, I can't make this work. I tried, I just can't make this work. And as I walked through the crowd outside, these guys with everybody who was there, see me, he's like, fuck you. Get the fuck out of here, you fucker. I'm like, holy shit. So I get in my car. I'm like, whew. And I go to the club with a woman who booked me. And of course, a couple of glasses of wine. Then I told the guy to fuck off. But it was, it was frightening. You can't do your job. And this is one of the few times I said no. And it was a good paying gig, but I just couldn't make it work. Giving up. Yeah. I give it like coming to giving up, going to a gig and saying, no, this is horrific. You always end up blaming yourself in the back of your mind. You're thinking, well, the show must go on. I should have done it. It's harder not to do the show than to just go up and bomb humiliators, right? It's harder to say no. And if I was in my 20s, I probably would have said, yeah, the challenge. But after doing it, by then, I was doing it 25 years. I was like, I can't make this work. I predicted that nothing would work because the audience couldn't see me. Half couldn't hear me. It was horrible. Ask Bill. Bill Cosby, if he ever said no to a gig. Bill just, I just looked outside. He met, he's walking around with some woman. I don't know. He's way down the street now. I have a picture of him. Isn't that funny, David? Isn't that funny? I just described this worst gig and then you and I were at this fancy gig where it was beautifully, great food, people were dressed up, women in gowns, men in tuxedos. Although I look at the pictures now and I'm like, well, I got to update my tuxedo. It's pretty old looking. But because it was Jerry Lewis, I wore white socks. And I was proud of that because Jerry always wore white socks with his tuxedo to put the attention on his feet because he was taller than Dean, Dean Martin. Now, I didn't know that you have the waterworks. I didn't know that about you. I'm a very emotional person. See, you're a better human being than I am. I never cried. I never cried. This is what I want to ask you. And you have to be honest. Is the fact that you're not emotional or didn't get emotional at the same time as I did, are you on medication that stops that? Like anti-depressants or anything? No, I never cried. I always... Because for the audience, I was supposed to accept this award and I had not talked about Robin in two years on stage in public. The last time I talked about him was the week after he passed away and we had a slight little memorial for him. But there was the big memorial, but I wasn't a speaker. But before that, as you know... That's right, I cried there. That's the only time I cried because they didn't ask me to speak. I remember crying. Well, as you know, we were there and before I have to go up on stage, in a memorial with all these comedians that have gone. And when I saw Kevin Meany, who we lost recently, I grabbed your hand and I squeezed it. And you kind of acknowledged it, but I was tears right down my face and now I get introduced to accept this award for Robin and I couldn't talk. And you know what? I almost had you come on stage to do a joke or two until I collected myself. But I gave you words of encouragement, didn't I? Yes, you did. I was crying. I said, David, I'm going to lose it up there. And you put your hand on my shoulder and you pointed your finger at me. And you said, you are going to bomb. And that loosened me up because it got me out of my head. And then you said something else. I don't think it was a day of fun. Let's not go there. But let's just say comedians always laugh at this word, because it's a shock word. I said something to the effect. Don't even get the clues. I just said, you know, I know you're weak and vulnerable and susceptible to any advice right now, but I really think it could help your career if you went out there. But then I tried. But then I tried to make myself laugh. What? I've never tried to make myself laugh at you because I was emotional that I turned to you. I said in tears, like, Robin was the first one to offer me cocaine. And that was an attempt to make both of us laugh. But when I got up there, it was because, you know, I'm not wasn't doing material. It was very heartfelt. And my voice, as you know, started to echo and I sounded like the Godfather. And that's when I said, Mom, a superstitious man. If my son should get hit by a bullet of lightning, I'm going to blame some of the people from that I do not forgive. And they laughed and it got me out of my head and I could speak. Uh-huh. You were hysterical. Yeah. You were. I kept looking at you for, you know, support. But you were there. I was, if you weren't there, it would have been worse. So I'm very happy you got to go with me and ride the sedan and ride around New York. It was cinematic. It was a rainy, thunderstorm day in Manhattan. And we were protected because they sent you a like this, not a limo, some kind of Range Rover. Okay. That's what they do now. A lot of SUVs are, you know, because people look for limos, you know, on these events and stars that want to show up, you know, not that we were stars, but, you know. But isn't, isn't like Wall Street beautiful when it's raining and it was very. I'm glad I got to see that because it was beautiful day and there was like a little humidity in the air, but it was a breeze. But that turned into thunderstorms and then it rained violently for like three hours. And then when we got out of there, it was beautiful. The streets were wet like some Hollywood company wetted the streets for the, you know, because that was, it looks better. And yeah, that was, that was fun. And they had beautiful. And they got a little metal. And how long did you stay there until I had to go home? But the next day was my, oh, I did stay a long time after cleanup because I was talking to people and I was waiting for the same car to take me back. Because how many times David, do you do a gig and they send a car for you? But after the gig, there was nobody waiting for you. Like there's like a good luck getting home. Right. But they were really good about that and a ride to the airport the next day. And I had a two hour delay on the tarmac. I'm going to plug Virgin America, even though they were purchased by Alaskan Airlines. I'm on the tarmac for two hours because of the thunderstorms. And then we take off. So that had two hours to the trip. I get home the next day. I get in the mail from Virgin. Here's a $75 voucher because we know we, in the convenience too. And what an airplane does that? You have to use it with them, of course. It wasn't something like cash, but it's like, oh, okay, great. You know, I'm going to Vegas next week. Did you sit on the runway out away from the gate? Yeah, we were on the tarmac for a while. And then we had to go back to refuel because we burned so much gas just sitting there. I hate that. Yeah. That's when I get my, well, I know we have listeners who are flying right now. And the one thing that I get antsy about is when I'm sitting on the tarmac. But remember to take deep breaths. And this is temporary. If you're sitting right now. I fell asleep. Well, you're a better man than I am. Did you drink? No, but I had wicked, wicked dreams. No, I didn't sleep much the night before, so I was kind of tired anyway. And then, you know, it's so funny now. It's like you have so much to watch. Well, you were flying first class, right? Yeah, but you know, but Virgin has TVs at every leather's feet. And they have, it's cool. It's low lighting. It's neon. I had my colonoscopy on a flight. It was so nice. And they, there you go. I've had, I've had a lot of flights in coach that smelled like a colonoscopy. I've, yeah, I don't, I don't fly first class, but when I do, it's a completely different experience on those rare occasions. But Virgin, I'm sorry. Virgin is good first class. Some first class are kind of upgraded business class. And they're not very good. There's no entertainment. The food's better. The food was really good on the flight. But anyway, I, but they were bought by Alaska. I just hope Alaska Airlines doesn't screw it up because, you know, they figured it out. It's a beautiful, beautiful trip. One day on the show, I'll tell the story of flying first class to Manhattan from LA and sitting next to Olivia Newton-John, which was- Sweet lady too. Yeah. It was as, as close to perfection as it can get. It was heaven. It was 10 years ago. One of the greatest six hours of my life. It was not only first class, but she was talking to me. And I, I lucked out. I wore a suit because I knew I was flying first class. And she thought I might be somebody, but it didn't matter because she's just such a good person. And I got to talk to Olivia Newton-John for six hours. No, stop. It was like, it was amazing. I opened for her. Really? She was here talking about winery. Yeah. And you know what? She eats with the crew and the comedians. We're in her curlers. She's down to earth, you know? I was on a flight once where Tom Brokaw was in first class with me. And I noticed he didn't speak the entire time because his voice would have given him away. I can't get into the overhead compartment. It's probably going to help me reach far by a bag. You know, it would have been that. And oh my God, Tom Brokaw's on her flight. I asked her a heck of a, you know, I'm doing Dana Carver's version, by the way, I guess. You know, it's like Rick Overton says, if someone else does an impression that you've been working on and they go, oh, they decoded it. You know, like how our impression is done by the decode. Like Dana nailed it with that is weird, wild stuff. You know, we all go, oh, that's how you do it. Okay. Oh, I have some insight into that. Robert Smigel told me that Ed McMahon never uttered the words, you are correct sir. Did you know that? I tend to believe that. Yeah. President Bush never said not going to do it either. Dana did. Yeah. Not going to do it. And Dana is so great at. Did he say Shabashubi impression? I'm pretty sure he said Shabashubi. So I don't think so. You have to prove that one. Dana loves to take an impression and just dissect it and then just make it so arbitrary and so weird that he, you know, not going to do it actually at the end would turn out to be not that he just loves to see how far he could take it. Not that that. Hi, Paul. I'm on a podcast right now telling stories. Yeah. David Feldman. Yeah. Okay. Paula Carby's is high. Oh, tell her I said, oh, I should mention that Mark is sleeping with Dana's wife. So we learned that a Bert Langcaster might have been a little light in the loafers. And Mark, well, that is, if you're from San Francisco. By the way, light in the loafers, you can't say anymore. See, you can't say anything about it anymore. You got to go at the times. Yeah. Who said, who said light in the loafers is bad? Johnny. Johnny did that a lot. But who said you can't say light in the loafers? The political correct community. Well, let us do a certain thing. You know, you have to watch what you say now. It's kind of sad, you know? Oh, well, roll with it. So when you do Cosby, people, let me get back to this, because you know, we spent 10 hours together last Monday. And if you start doing Cosby, I start laughing. It doesn't matter. And I have said, people who listen to the show know, if I could do Cosby, I would talk like him forever. That's all I would call up. Eat restaurants and get takeout orders. Can I have the pizza without the crust? Can I have Thai iced tea with a good bowl with the papasi bowl? Do Bill Cosby calling Walgreens to see if his prescription is ready? I wasn't there the other day and I was using the machine that checks your blood. But they said they had to wait. They said they'd text me with my prescription. I was like, this is to get us to work on the right aid. They don't aid you at all. So I had to wait. So I had to get it on the black market. So, wow, isn't it more fun to live with someone else? I never would. I never think of these things on my own. Well, yeah. So how do you, like, how did you know you could do Cosby? Like, when did you first do it? When I do, you know, I would never, ever do an impression in public. But when I used to do a lot of them, I would visual, I could see the person that I was trying to impersonate. That was as mechanical as I got. Is there a mechanics to impressions when you say breaking the code? Let me ask you this. Can you sing? Can you sing on key? Yeah, I'd be ashamed to do it right now. Okay, you may not have the ear for it, meaning there's something I think that we hear things differently and we could, it's like being a minor bird, really. But I've never sat down and worked on an impression. I, if I tried it and it got a little bit, then I would do it more like, as I get older, I'm my Nicholson, especially in the morning and we're late at night. My Nicholson is much better. I actually had a great story about Nicholson. Um, it was, uh, they were at, um, Oh, Adam Sandler was doing anger management and he went over to Nicholson's house to discuss the project and, and Adam, and Dana told me this and Adam went over there and Nicholson says, would you like something for lunch? And I don't know. I'm just going to get a burnt jelly sandwich. Fine with me. You know, okay. And he goes outside, sits down the nice outdoor furniture and then Jack comes out of the kitchen with two big jars and he goes skippy or jiff. It's not even funny unless it's Nicholson's bag. It's perfect. That's perfect. That's so perfect. And it's Jimmy Fallon told that story about going to a ball game and eating cracker jacks and Nicholson goes, did you get to the prize yet? And he goes, yeah, what is it? It's, oh, it's a little picture of a snake, a sticker you can put on things. When I was a kid, it was metal things. You used to get a whistle. Now you get a picture of a fucking snake. So that's, it's just his delivery is, you can't, it's not. It's like Christopher Walken's funny because it's delivery, you know. Now, did our friend, Kevin Pollack, decode Christopher Walken? See the one? Are we all doing his Christopher Walken? He added, I heard some other people do Chris Walken, but he added the pauses and the whisper. You know, a lot of people do Walken, they just do this all day, but Pollack added the, all right, don't even go there. We sorry, you know, he did the almost the Pacino high and low thing. He did a really good one. He was a really good one. I like the fact that Kevin has the stories to accompany his impressions like he met Chris Walken, as you know, at the, they wanted Pollack there when he got his name on the, the star of Boulevard, Chris, Chris Walken star. And they were standing by themselves saying nothing. It was creepy. And he goes cement. Wow. And that was it. So two stories are the best. I don't know about you, but anytime I talk about other people, I do their voice. You can't talk about Jay Leno. One time I was on Jay Leno. He said to me, Hey, like last time you were on the show, you did that thing. You have to do the voices. Everybody. If they have a, you know, identifiable one. The past couple of years, I got to know Robert Smigel pretty well. And he's considered one of the best impressionists ever. Nobody knows, but he's one of the best impressionists, right? And oh my God, he did the first Trump. He did. He was doing the clutch cargos for. Oh my God. He's, he's amazing. Yeah. And he can. But I watch him and he doesn't like he'll do Cosby and then he'll stop. And I often wonder if guys like him, guys like you, guys like Dana, are afraid to get too deep into the impression because then you just don't stop because I I'll shut up. But I think the reason I don't do impressions is I would be just a supreme a-hole if I. I see. Well, why would don't you think you couldn't stop? Well, if I could do Cosby, I would. I would just be making phone calls to plan parenthood to. I mean, I would just to women shelters to the NRA. I mean, I would just, I would just David's can't come into the office today. He's taking a Bill Cosby day. You would call no boo. Can I have a table for two for eight o'clock? I know it's busy time. I'm on the short leash. Dana just told me. He goes, he says, you do because, you know, so well, why don't you just take it further? Just do them in all sorts of, you know, situations. You know, he's always encouraging that. I gave him one a day. He does micro impressions. I go, you do Nicholson. You don't have a micro do Nicholson at Baskin Robbins. And Tana goes, is there actual scotch in the butters? How about doing it? I'll have butterscotch. Hold the butter. Oh, I'll tell him that one. I'll have some butterscotch. Hold the butter. What's it from Five Easy Pieces? Hold it between your legs? What's the, uh... Yeah, but I want you to hold it between your knees. You see that sign, sir? I don't have to take any or smartness or sarcasm. You see this sign? I got to kiss Karen Block once. Think of that sign. Yeah, think of that scene. I kissed her once and her eyes straightened out. Woo! That scene, that's what... That's a horrible joke. That's just horrible. Yeah, it's making fun of someone's looks. But she was a great improvisational actress, man. She was one of that whole group. Hopper and Fonda and Nicholson, yes. Dern. You see, if you see Laura Dern on Twin Peaks, she is knocking it out of the park. No, I'm just feeling bad about that Karen Black joke. Oh, okay. I was trying to, like, get off that subject because I didn't... But that's what I do. You get to be, like, I realize that at Monday's event. You get to hang out and make people laugh, and I just say horrible things. But that's your brand. So stick with it. Do people know you were a fellow to the clown, though? Yeah, we keep talking about that. Okay. Show me how to do Cosby. I'm not going to... Actually, what... Okay, what do I do? Let me just say, okay, okay. I tighten my throat. That's what... Well, he's not my throat. It's my vocal cords. So kind of squeeze them. And then you go a little nasal higher, and you kind of slur a little bit. You don't ever pronounce things exactly like this. You know, maybe that's it. Because I've never... You can see me at the learning addicts how to do it. Oh, you know what? I would give anything. I'm going to come to San Francisco and we'll videotape this. I have a money-making idea. I actually have a money-making idea because I now on YouTube, they bump me up to something where I can actually charge for a video, right? Oh, yeah. I don't know what that... What am I going to charge for? And I thought, well, wait a second. Suppose we do a seminar on how to impersonate Bill Cosby. A master's class in impersonating Bill Cosby. And you actually teach people how to impersonate... I don't think that's going to make any money. I think I'm a very sick man. I think I'm sick. I think we could seriously say you lost your mind during this podcast. Especially now. Well, you know what he... You know what first broke about the allegations and all that? You know, I do a bit of my act about a GPS, celebrity GPS device, which they actually have. You can get John Cleese, used to be able to get Dennis Hopper, Bert Riles, did one. So I just took that. The Fran Drescher didn't take off, right? Oh, God. The Leno one was like... Hey, last time there was a guy and he put his blinker on, you sped up. Len, I'm here to be a nice guy. You got to re-route. That's okay. It's all right. You just re-route. You turn around. No big deal. No big deal. It's all for everybody. Hey, it's Bob's big boy. But when somebody yelled out Cosby, it's like it came to me. I think I could write better if I'm forced to in front of an audience. It's like I have to come up with something at this moment. My brain kicks in and I just said, go down the street and you take a left, allegedly. That was it. That was the entire joke. So, you know, my GPS bit has been on YouTube for about since 2004. And it's got like half a million hits. Wow. And it's great. And then I get like an alert, like someone commented on your thing and somebody writes, and I shouldn't bring this up because it's nothing, but somebody writes, you're ripping off Jim Brewer. And I'm like, look at the date. I go, look at the date. I did it way before Jim did an oppression of Pachino and he doesn't do a GPS, but you fucking ripping off Jim. And you realize you're just right. You're writing back 14 year olds, you know. It's just stupid, you know, so. But it's, you know, I've never, I don't like to watch sitcoms or I don't like to be influenced by any comedy. So I know if I write a joke, it's mine. And that joke has been around for a long time. Well, I'll write a comedy album with you. I would love to just, I would love to do a comedy album, but it would have to be like, where you do all the voices. And God, that would be so much fun. That would be just so much fun. You're in the Bay Area and when do you see Mort next? Before you go, when do you see Mort? If I probably go over house tomorrow, maybe. Wow. I'll give him a call. Wow. You love Mort. That's great. You know, Robin Williams said to me, one time we were walking back to the venue and he goes, so great that Mort lives here. He just really loved the fact that he hung out with Mort a lot. We would have, three of us would have coffee. And then that's, that's what hits you when you go on stage to accept an award on his behalf. And that's why the water work started. So, yeah. That was a special night, not to get too maudlin. Maudlin? Yeah. But it was a special night and I just was going for the ride. I just got to watch you and be reminded of how fun. And I learned at that day you were vegetarian and you don't drink. I don't do anything. Everybody's having fun. And this is TheWorstMatch.com promotion. I do nothing and I have plugs and I'm miserable. Date me. Have you gone on? You don't talk about the divorce, right? Oh, not yet, but I'm banking a lot of jokes because my mind, you know, when you get divorced and it's emotional, whether you want it or not, it's on your mind all the time. And what else is on my mind is joke writing. So the to meet and what comes out of that is divorce jokes. It's just the way my brain works. So it's a high-processed thing. And I will never say her name because then she could say I'm slandering her, but you could say I was married once. I do jokes about my first wife. I don't name her. But divorce is different. I'm accumulating a lot of stuff. Yeah. And I would love to sit with you and write some more. Do you know I have to write letters to my attorneys because I refuse to talk on the phone? Me too. That's all I do now is like really quick emails because they'll charge you for the minute. I would tell my lawyer all these funny stories that I could do. So yeah. So what happens? I had to have a conference. They love conference calls. Nothing good ever came out of a conference call. No. And I can't help it. I start making them laugh. And I keep going, deduct that laugh with 10 seconds. Take that off my bill. And then they start laughing. And I'm going, you know what? I realize I'm not funny. You guys just don't want to work. So you're just laughing. Isn't it funny you think both parties, once you've decided to get a divorce, would just take the steps as quick as possible to end it? Why stretch it out at all for any reason? I mean, I'm back to my own modest. It's totally different. And I'm into it now. And you know, I have to take care of these other things. I set to sign some papers and get a notary. But that's like issue number 322 of things I have to do today. So it boggles the mind, grudges, vindictive people. And you don't know they're vindictive till later. And all I did was support my wife as far as any projects she ever had. Or, you know, I moved her to, I spent money moving her only to say, you know, get divorced and I moved back. And but I have really, you know what I learned? I have really, really good friends. Yes. And everybody's helped me out. And it's really, I'm much happier now. And I'm struggling with this, especially with my shrink and on this show. I keep saying, because it has to be this way, I keep saying it's America's fault in other countries. They don't allow divorce attorneys to control what happens. And it's all about money and feeding divorce attorneys. And it's this is an adversarial country. We're war like and everybody doesn't have a safety net. So they're vindictive. They want what's theirs because blah, blah, blah, because the alternative, if I don't blame America, I'll blame women. And I don't want to go there. No, yeah. It's more attractive. We've gotten to the point now where it's more attractive to blame your country than to blame an entire gender, which of course is not true. I don't blame women. No. Do you know what I came up with? I said, what good is having a sex? Oh, I know, I used to say, what good is having a sex drive of all the roads are closed? And now since I'm going through a divorce, I said, my sex drive is heading for exit celibacy. And one of my friends wrote, you can't get off there. And I'm like, okay, they don't know they just tagged it and I'm using it. That's a great joke. You can't get off. Mark, how do people reach you, sir? 415. But women love women love you. David, I don't want people to reach me, so let's leave it at that. But I want to plug my Bill Cosby song on YouTube, go to Mark Kitta on YouTube and click videos and you'll see Cosby's face with his eyes scratched out. It's a funny one. And did Bill come back from his walk? Did he? Oh, oh, shit, he's walking. Yes. Would you like to say goodbye? Yeah, goodbye, Bill. Dave, I love your work. Thank you. Thank you. And I do blame women. Oh, man. Stay on the line for one second. You're listening to highlights from The David Feldman Show, heard nationwide on Pacifica Radio, or as a podcast on iTunes, Stitcher, and now YouTube. Please subscribe to this channel. For more information, go to davidfeldmanshow.com. Thank you for listening. The David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you. You sad, pathetic humps.