 that there were only two people qualified to introduce the great man we are honoring tonight, either my humble self or that pearl among journalists, Mr. Wallace Cook, my great friend and star reporter. I want Mr. Cook himself to tell you the great feat he performed not only for the Morning Star but for mankind itself in interesting our guest of honor in this great project, 27 halls of learning and culture, 27 arenas of art to be known as the Morning Star Temple and for every dollar we contribute our guest has pledged himself to give 10. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great honor to introduce to you a prince with a heart as big as his pocketbook, that fabulous and magnificent potentate of the Orient, the Sultan of Mazoukan. Be unto you, my friends, peace and the blessings of culture. In oriental potentate, I'm not going to have you arrested. I'm going to put you on the payroll as a janitor. Thank you, sir. And I always want you present in the local room where my reporters and Mr. Wallace Cook can drink you in constantly as a warning against fakes. Yes, sir. May I ask, in Mr. Cook, a reporter anymore, I wouldn't like for him to lose his job. He was very nice to me. Mr. Cook is not going to be discharged, Your Majesty. For his own good and the good of the Morning Star, I am going to remove him from the land of the living. All right, tell you, I'm innocent. I was just as fooled by old Black Joe as you were. I believed everything he said just as you did. Now, Oliver, either you cut out these fat-headed monkey shins of yours and let bygones be bygones, or I'm walking out of this fish trap right here and now. You're under contract to the Star for five more years. You're not in a position to resign unless you wish to retire from journalistic efforts over that period. Oliver, you're not going to keep me pounding out obituaries for five years. Those are my plans, Mr. Cook. And the best reporter you ever had. I've handed you a hundred scoops. It isn't fair, Oliver. It isn't human. Shut up! I don't like to say this. The paper is going to rack and ruin with me hidden away in that water cooler. Look at this. What's that? Poor little working girl doomed to death from radium poisoning. We've covered it. Covered it? If you're getting old, Oliver, look. There's one, two, three, four, five, six lines on Hazel flag. A poor little kid with a few months to live at the outside, doomed. Death staring her in the face. What does she feel? What does she think? Radium eating away her bones. Don't shout at me. Listen, Oliver, there's a story in this kid that ought to tear your heart out. Why is it? Why hasn't the star got it? I'll tell you. Because I'm stuck away in a water cooler and I can't have some whim of yours. Listen, Oliver, give me a chance, will you? So help me. May I drop dead or redeem myself? I ought to be shot for what I'm thinking. What are you thinking? I'm thinking that maybe you ain't the most tittering imbecile on earth. I'm thinking that maybe you've learned your lesson. Oliver, so help me. I'll be out for a month by morning. I'll dig up a story that'll make this town swoon. Here's my hand on it. I've been through an inferno. I haven't been able to enter a cafe for the past three weeks without the band playing Dixie. Well, that was a coincidence. I've given you my hand. Go on. Redeem yourself. Thanks. You won't regret it. If I don't come back with the biggest story you ever handled, you can put me back in short pants and make me marble out of that. You through? Yep. You know this girl, Hazel Flag? Yep. Pretty girl, eh? Yep. Or is she now in the hospital? Nope. Just walking around, eh? Laughing, carrying on, I suppose. Yep. What's your name? Coolidge? Nope. Well, if you aren't worn out talking, what is it? Bulls. Mr. Bull, my name's Cook. I'm from the New York Star. I, uh, going to be filing a lot of stuff at your telegraph office here. I don't think you are. Well, who says? Paragon What's factory owns this town? They don't care to have any scandal printed. Or they say it goes. Better take the next train back. What kind of a fellow is this doctor down there? He won't talk to you. Nobody talk to you in this town, except me. Better go home. Well, if you don't mind, I'll, uh, take a little stroll and have a look at the sites first. Well, I wouldn't talk to tall if I knew what was going to do it for nothing. Oh, pardon me. I forgot I was in Vermont. You in charge here? Yep. I've been wandering through your fascinating metropolis for an hour. Fine if I sit down here? Yep. I guess you misunderstood me. No. Oh, here's the flag? Yep. Any idea where I could find it this morning? You're our newspaper man from New York. How'd you guess that, sister? You was described to me. Will Bull can shoot his mouth off to you all he wants, but not me. Are there anybody else in this town? This drug store's run by the Paragon Watch Company. And they don't want any scandal among the New Yorkers snooping around. Okay, sister. How much do I owe you? Well, you've taken up my time. Thank you very much. I'm sorry that I've taken up so much of your time. Sorry. Dr. Downerian? Yep. Is that his office? Yep. Would you tell him Mr. Cook would like to see him? Tell him yourself. Dr. Downer? Yep. My name's Cook. I'm up here from New York. Sit down. I'll be with you in a minute. Nice day. Yep. Yep. What do you got, young man? Hive? Oh, no, hive. A lot of hives going around. Miss George and Asher were stuck yesterday. You know her? Nope. Where did you say you were from? New York. I was wondering if you could tell me where I could find Hazel Flag. From New York, eh? Yep. You know what I think, young fella? I think you're a newspaper man. I can smell him. I've always been able to smell him. Excuse me while I open the windows. I'll tell you briefly what I think of newspaper men. The hand of God reaching down into the mire couldn't elevate one of them to the depths of degradation. Not by a million miles. I think you're being a little severe toward my profession. Not much, but just a little. Nothing of the sort. I am a fair-minded man, young fella. But when you've been robbed, swindled, cheated for 22 years out of a fortune, it's pardonable to formulate an opinion. From New York, eh? Yep. You don't happen to know of a newspaper called The Morning Star. You have the honor, Dr. Donner, of addressing that newspaper's most gifted representative. Moses in the mountains. You're from The Morning Star. Stay right where you are. Don't move. I'll show you something that'll freeze you. Listen, doctor. I'm getting sick of this taffy pole. Where can I get a hold of Hazel Flag? Don't talk to me about Hazel Flag. No serious. Here's the evidence. I appeal to you as a man of learning, Dr. Donner. What is Miss Flag's address? Don't waste my time, young fella. Here, read that. That's a copy of Vanessa I wrote. Read it. Go on. Tip for Tatt. Give me her address and I'll pour over these interesting documents all night. I entered this contest with a clean pair of hands. Who are the six greatest Americans? I named them and proved why, writing on one side of the paper. And what happened? Did I win the $10,000? No, siri. Did I win the $5,000? Did they even try to save their face by giving me one of the smaller $1,000 prizes? Not that gang of chicken thieves. Here's what they gave me. Read it. A check for one dollar. Young fella for 22 years. I must ask you, Dr. Donner, to be reasonable. You can't harbor a grudge for 22 years. I'll harbor it till I die. Wait and see. The Morning Star had a chance to win my respect 22 years ago. They saw fit to swindle and belittle me. Very well. I'll prove to them before I die who the six great Americans are and who was entitled to the first prize. I could do better in darkest Africa. You know who got that $10,000? The editor's wife. That's cool. You don't have to sit there looking so dramatic, Hazel, like Eliza crossing the ice. Well, I can't help feeling a little bad. You couldn't either if you were going to die any minute. Well, you can stop giving yourself the airs of a dying swan. According to this last analysis I made, you ain't going to die unless you get run over or something. What? You heard me. I don't like to chew my cabbage twice. I'm not going to die. You're fitter than a fiddle. And stop gawking at me or I'll cut myself. Come, come, come. This is no way to behave in a doctor's office. Besides, that soap will give you the darnest bellyache you ever had. Oh, you're the key to saving my life. Oh, it was nothing. That first diagnosis I made was a mistake. I got so that I was seeing radium poisoning everywhere. I've been awfully brave. Haven't I not decried before? Please, Dad? Well, now that it's over, I don't mind telling you, Hazel. I felt kind of sorry for you. Sorry, turning into a great strain. Well, happy about it, you're the key. You sort of spoiled my trip. What trip's that, Hazel? You know, I'm going to take that $200 you get for dying in Warsaw and go to New York and blow it all in and die happy, and now I've got to stay in Warsaw. So, that's your gratitude to me for snatching you from the jaws of death? Which I am. Happy or miserable, I'm all mixed up. Hey, Nick, listen. Do you have to hand in that report to the factory? I know it sounds a little dishonest. I'd do it like a shot, Hazel. Only I'd lose my job the minute they found out you weren't going to die. And besides, there's the ethics. Well, thanks for all your trouble. I'm terribly gratefully startling to be brought to life twice in each time in Warsaw. You're a New York star. I come up to see you. I know it's hard for you to talk, but if you just listen to me for a little while... I have nothing to say. I won't ask you any questions about your ailment. I was thinking while I was waiting for you to come up, and I got an idea. I want you to come to New York with me. What? As my guest. There's the guest of the Morning Star. I don't say anything till I tell you. Oh, I'm not saying anything. If you were my sister or somebody close to me, I'd take you out of Warsaw, dead or alive, Miss Lang. Oh, I've always wanted to see the world outside of Warsaw. You've lived here all your life. Twice that long. You poor kid. You've never been to New York. My grandmother took me there when I was three, but I didn't appreciate it. Listen, we'll show you the town. We'll take you everywhere. You'll have more fun than if you lived a hundred years in this more-eaten, yep-a-nope village. That's so very true. Is it a bargain? I don't know what to be imposing on everybody. Imposing in what way? I just thought it'd be wrong to make people sad. It'd be kind of a killjoy, wouldn't I? Listen, I'll be frank with you. Even if I sound like a ghoul, you'll be a sensation. The whole town will take you to its heart. You'll have everything you've ever dreamed of. You'll have it on a silver platter. You'll be like Aladdin with a magic lamp to rub. What do you mean they'll like me? Just because I'm dying? Oh, that's a cruel way to put it. No, they'll like you because you'll be a symbol of courage and heroism. We'll talk about it on the plane. Sure, sure, we have much time. I'm sorry, I mean, the sooner you get there, the more time you'll have to enjoy yourself. You know, I was going to go there before I saved a hundred dollars. It's a hundred million dollars. Couldn't buy her the fun of morning stock and give you. Come on. Oh, no, wait, I've got to take him with me. With the kid on the bicycle? Oh, no, no, Enoch, Dr. Donner, you wait here. Oh, you won't go away with that? Nope. Well, I'll go ask him. Will you wait here? Yep. Oh, good. Enoch! Enoch! I got in touch with Oliver for Oliver Stone, my editor. He's toe dancing in the street waiting for him. Well, he's got a different quality of charm. He's sort of a cross between a ferris wheel and a werewolf. But with a lovable streak, if you cared a blast for it, you getting nervous? Oh, no, no. I just hope you won't have a lot of long, whiskered doctors lined up to harass me. You know, I'm not... Everybody knows the radiant poisonine is incurable, so, so why waste any time in it? You won't be bothered at all. You know, I'm not going to bed until I have convulsions and my teeth start falling out. That's when I begin worrying, is it, Enoch? This is as good a time as any. How are you feeling now, Seller? Hunky-dory, Skipper. Well, there she is. In all her beads and ribbons. He's almost tongue-tied with excitement. He's worked up a nutty demonstration. New York is going to lay its heart at your feet while the whistles blow and the bands play and the cameras grind. How about you, Seller? Anything you care to say as we go into action? Oh, I'm going to have a marvelous time. Whatever happens afterwards, I mean about the convulsions and all that. I'm going to have fun first. I am. I am. Well, if that doesn't make him cry, nothing will. Cry? Why should they cry? Because you're the bravest kid that ever lived. There's no fake about it this time. Oh, look! It's not yourself too much. It's just a fake. Oh, who's a fake? Those grapplers. The only square thing about them is the ring. Oh, them? They're a symbol of the whole town. Pretending to fight, love, weep and laugh all the time and they're phonies all of them. And I had the list. Oh, no, you don't. Don't say that. Using you to get a bonus and a byline on the front page. Making good over your poor little pain-wracked body, you know? I'm worse than those fake wrestlers. Well, how's your fine tonight, Wally? You and the morning star have been so wonderful to me. You know, these wonderful gowns and the blankets and the theater tickets and the coats. Stop looking so happy and gallant, will you? It breaks my heart. Proceed. There's a loose halyard for it. Go make it fast, will you? Do you think I'm cooking? Yes, my little mariner. Yes. Try not to go overboard. But to let us is no and... These paper men marry the rules. Not after they're 14 or 15. That's the dangerous age for the journalist. His ideals are not yet formed when he falls easy prey to elderly waitresses. Once his finer side is born, he waits. The sound of the fire alarm, Miss Black, waits to go rushing off to the fire. How far is that to cook? Love. Can you hear about that in Warsaw? Yeah, it's gotten around. Danced in the streets with a neon light round its heart up with its trick-tears and phony lamentations over you. I'm glad they're phony. It makes everything all right in a way. What I mean is I wouldn't want to feel I was really making all those people suffer. There is one among us who adds a bit of unaccustomed drama to our little rabble. She sits here, eyes sparkling, her face wreathed in a lovely smile, drinking in the charm, the glitter, the gay sounds of life. So drink your wine, laugh and applaud while this little doomed child sits saying goodbye to you. Her last goodbye with a grateful smile on her lips. Born with the show, my little act is all. Born with the show, for tonight you are not the famous folk of Broadway. Tonight you are just a little chorus laughing and dancing to afford a last brief hour of mirth and jolliday to America's simplest and sweetest of heroines, Miss Hazel Black. Clean fun was nothing like a wake. Oh, please, please, let's not talk sharp. Our next number tonight, ladies and gentlemen, is entitled The Heroines of History. Who saved Russia. She could do it, too. Who saved her virtue. That's the way those things go, folks. Helen, by putting her finger in the dyke. Show them the finger, babe. Little girl from Warsaw, Vermont. That little soldier whose heroic smile in the face of death has wrung tears and cheers from the great stone heart of the city. I humbly invite her now to take her place beside all the great heroines of history. Our own Miss Hazel Black. Thank you. Something has happened to Hazel. I want to know the worst. I don't want you to spare our feelings. We go to press in 15 minutes. We've been expecting something like this. Let's get her out of here. Quick. Please, everybody, take your seat. Fire, please, take your seat. There must be no commotion. The show must go on. Hazel would want it that way. Disgusted with you, Hazel? Getting drunk in the middle of a memorial. Now lie down like I tell you. I'm not drunk. I just had a little sip or so. They weren't buffaloes. They were horses. If somebody respectable could see you now, that would be pretty, wouldn't it? Shame on you. Take your stockings off. You have a doctor to take them over yourself. If anything happens, we'll have to read plates. That's all it counts to you, isn't it? Your bird brain with a headline for a heart. That poor, gallant little kid standing in front of that goofy bunch of horses and smiling. Just smiling. Don't waste copy on me, Wallace. Oliver, there's the sweetest, loveliest kid in there that ever lived. Yes. You said that before, Wally. I'm through. I can't play Paul Bearer any longer. I'm resigning. She's all right, gentlemen. Sleeping like a little baby. No. Are you sure? Just as if nothing had happened. She'll be fitter than a fiddle in the morning. In the morning... There are 20 little school children downstairs to sing for you. Mr. Stone arranged for it yesterday. Oh, it's horrible. You may bring them up, sir. You may leave the room, Miss Rafferty. I brought you something. Raw eggs. Just what you need. The albumin counteracts the alcohol. So come right down, settle your stomach. Go on. I got a whole dozen. Is this the way drunks feel? Hazel, you've got what is known in medicine as a hangover. I've got something worse than that. I've got a conscience. Keep on sucking that egg, and your conscience will go away. Let me have your pulse, Hazel. Stop ruining that. You wish I had radium poisoning or something awful, and then I wouldn't ruin it. Who's this you're ruining, Hazel? Wallace, Mr. Cook. Oh, him. Have another egg. Enoch, listen. He thinks I've helped him become a great journalist, and they're going to give him a bonus. Mr. Stone is a bonus. It's coming out of the $10,000 they owe me. If I'm not complaining, why should he worry? He thinks I've helped him, and it makes him feel better. Oh, I can't. Mr. Cook is here to see Ms. Flag. Do you feel able to speak to him? Oh, I... Johnny, wait, wait. Hello, Hazel. Hello. Hello, Doctor. It won't hurt her if I visit a while. She's doing very well for her last few weeks. I'm glad to hear that, Hazel. I was... We were worried. Excuse me. I wouldn't have disturbed you, but I'm going away, and I thought I might not see you again. You're going away where? Oh, Miss. To Albany. What for? Just to see the governor. Wallace, what are you doing in Albany with the governor? Well, Hazel, he mustn't get over a rod. Well, if it's about me, I must know about it. It's about the arrangements, Hazel. What arrangements? For the funeral. What funeral? Yours. Oh. Have I... have I shocked you? Oh, no, oh, no. Everybody has to have a funeral sometime. No, but not like yours, darling. Gee, I'm not to keep it as a surprise. Oh, it's better this way. You're telling me in advance so I can get used to it. Oh, I hope it's going to be a little funeral. Oh, I'm afraid that's way, way impossible, Hazel. According to the present registration, there'll be about 30,000 automobiles and a considerable group on foot. About half a million, I think. Oh, why? Well, that's not half enough to mourn for you. Oliver thought we could get the president, but he's still fishing. I arranged to have the symphony orchestra there instead. Well, if it's all arranged, why are you going to open it? Well, I had an idea this morning. I'm getting the governor to declare a public holiday for the occasion. Oh, like St. Valentine's Day. I'm glad I told you. Hazel, I want you to know now and always. I think you're magnificent. Oh, please don't say that. Do you have to go away? Well, I'll be back by night. I've got another surprise for you, but I'll, I'll not tell you now. Oh, I've got to hear it. I promised you I wouldn't do this. You wouldn't do what? Call in any other doctors. Hazel, I know you have great faith in Enoch, but I've broken my promise. Dr. Amel Egelhoffer is arriving on the wrecks this afternoon. He's from Vienna, and I'm bringing him up to see you. What for? Hazel, he is the greatest expert on radium poisoning in the world. I know it's incurable, but when I heard he was on the wrecks, I radioed him. There's always an outside chance. You know, just one in a million. You know, I'm sorry. I've got to run to get the 10 o'clock plane. Hazel, I, I know it's a long shot, but we can hope, hm? Goodbye. The little children are here, Hazel. What little children? They've come to see me for you. Hey, Nick, this is the end. Huh? Don't ask any questions. Just listen to me. We're caught. Dr. Egelhoffer's coming here tonight to, to expose me and Wally. You've got nothing to fear from any doctor who comes snooping around here. Better have another egg. There's only one way out. There's only one way to save you and me and Wally. I've got to commit suicide in advance. Before that scientist gets to me, I've got to be drowned. Oh, shut this egg, I tell you. Oh, shut up. I'll leave a note to the city thanking everybody. You, you get rid of the nurse for the evening, and then I'll jump into the river. You're bound to see me jump in, and you'll be waiting in a rowboat to fish me out. And I'll swim underwater, and I'll change my name, and hide away for the rest of my life, and never, never see me again. Oh, they'll hold the funeral without me. Hello, honey. This is Ernest. Honey, what kind of flowers do you like? Huh? Don't worry, honey. They're all the same price. I'm getting them wholesale. Be right up, honey. Oh, get me the morning stock quick. Who committed suicide? Read it to me. Dear New York City, goodbye. Remember me as someone you made very happy. I have enjoyed everything. There's only one thing left to enjoy, your river that's spiled outside of my window. It is easy to die when the heart is full of gratitude. Hazel Flag. Oh, we've got our holiday. The governor has agreed to allow... It's the best. She's double-crossed. Who has? It's Flag. She's gone over to some other paper? She's gone into the river. Listen, you weasel brain. What are you trying to tell me? Hazel Flag has committed suicide. I don't believe it. Ernest, your sultan has found her suicide note. He saw her leave the hotel five minutes ago. Give me the mayor at once. Get the governor. Tell him we want that holiday tomorrow. You're a fine pair of gravediggers. You and the governor both. Hello, hello, mayor. This is Wallace Cooke of the Star calling. Good. Come on. I want to talk to you. I want to talk to you about the funeral. That's what drove you to it. To be really frank with you, Wallace, it wasn't that at all. Oh, darling, I'd love to sit in here with you for the rest of my life. Will you marry me? What? You heard me. Will you marry me? Oh, Wally. Come on, answer me. But, darling, there's no future in it. Now, don't talk like a half-wit. I don't care about the future. Wally, if things are normal, I... Wally, I mustn't. Don't ask me. Please, just kiss me once more and let it go with that, without ruining your life. So what the devil is the better the life than we've got? A handful of perfect dollars. That's all the luckiest ever get out of it. Just a handful of hours to save and remember. Then I'll be there at the end, sailor. I'll be there waving you goodbye. I'll be the same as if you and I lived forever. And you will grow old in my heart. You seen anything of a young lady that jumped in the river? Yes, she's right here. All right. Give him the bull motor. Oh, never mind the bull motor. Now, her breathing's fine. Tell us to her hotel, will you? Sure. Jump in. Jump in. Thank you. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. Well, looks as if I finally get my ride on a fire engine. You're welcome. But, uh, Jim? Jim. Okay, Jim! You know, I've been misjudging him. When I told him you were safe and sound, he choked up and he couldn't talk for a minute. Oh, yes, he's very sweet. Well, I'll see you in the morning. Have a good sleep. Good night. Yes, sir. Oh, that's a big fire. Oh, if you ever hate me, remember this and this and this and this. The biggest fire since Rome? Sure, come in. I was wondering whatever would become of you. Ha, ha, ha. Enok, who is that man? Enok, who is that man? Oh, he's just a stranger from Europe. Dropped in for a little chat. We've been discussing medicine, pro and con. Well, excuse me. I wanted to shoot a hazel flag. Mr, uh, what did you say your name was? Egelhofer, Dr. Emil Egelhofer. Dr. Offlegger? Seems to me I've heard of you somewhere, doctor. Enok, Enok, sit down now. I received a radio on the ship from the Morning Star, Miss Flag, which excited my professional as well as humane interests. And I called on you at once. Ah, that must be my colleagues. Come right in, gentlemen. This is the young lady, Miss Hazel Flag, Dr. Oswald Funch, of Prague, Dr. Felix Marachowsky, of Moscow, Dr. Friedrich Kirchenweiser, of Berlin. The dark is a weeping massage. There is no vestige, no trays, no single symptom. I'm afraid I'm poisoning in this young woman, Mr. Stone. We had some trouble with that horse doctor from their month, but we took the X-rays regardless. Are you sure you examined the right woman and not some, some imposter? Oh, the only imposter in this case, Mr. Stone, is this young woman we examined, the young woman who is known as Hazel Flag. Here's a full report of this examination. Here's the X-ray pictures showing the entire skeleton of this young woman known as Hazel Flag. And here, Mr. Stone, is my bill. Our bill. And I will assure you, not me or my colleagues will say one single word of this to the newspaper. You have nothing more to worry about, Mr. Stone. Your troubles are over. Give me a force from the circulation department. Pull up the new lead for you on Hazel Flag that's going to read that sour puss of yours into a nose gay of smiles. Now sit tight and tuck in your ears. Miss Flag is getting married tonight. And wish me luck, old weasel brain. Now listen, I know it sounds hysterical marrying somebody with a few weeks to live like honeymooning with a hearse at the front door. But Oliver, it's on the square. What's the matter with you? Listen, I want you to be best man up. Are you a steward or something? I came in for congratulations. What's up? What's eating you? I am sitting here, Mr. Cook, trying to figure some way out of the blackest disaster that has ever struck down an innocent man since the days of Judas' character. What are you mumbling about? What disaster? I am sitting here, Mr. Cook, toying with the idea of removing your heart and stuffing it like an olive. Hang on, Oliver. You're going screwy. I'll get Watson. You ruin me. You ruin the morning star. You blacken forever the fair name of journalism. You and that foul bunch of nature hazel flag. You got some excuse for those words, Oliver. Let's have it quick. Excuse? Excuse? Not a bone missing. Down to the last healthy vertebrae in tact. Read that. Rub your nose in it. That's hazel flag, the biggest faker of the century. A lying, faking witch with the soul of a meal and the brain of a tarantula. She hasn't got anything wrong with her at all. Sweet heaven, I can't believe it. It's like some miracle. Get to the Waldorf Hotel as quick as you can. Grab hazel flag and bring her to this office. You have to drag her through the street by the hair. So help me, Oliver. If you hurt that kid, I'll knock you cold. I'll bring you. You stay here and watch that maniac. Watch every move he makes. I want hazel flag in this office within half an hour. You're staying here. Oliver, you're not going to hurt her. Shut up. I'm marrying her. Get that into that monkey skull of yours. I don't care how we've been taken or what she's done, I'm in love with her. Oh, that's a beautiful thought. And I thank God on my knees that she's a fraud and a faker and isn't going to die. You're on your knees thanking God. Are you in the whole town getting ready to laugh at us? A howl that'll be heard around the world. Let them laugh. I'll do my own laughing back. It'll be worse than the French Revolution. I hope I'm here when it breaks. I want to make one speech to our dear readers before they carry our heads off on a pike. I want to tell them we've been their benefactors. We gave them a chance to pretend that their phony hearts were dripping with the milk of human kindness. What's your name? Who, me? Max. I want quiet in this office, Max. So I can think. Hazel flag's a fraud, eh? So when you start yelling foul, remember, she was just a circulation stunt for you. You used her like you've used every broken heart that's fallen into your knapsack. To inflame the daffy public can help sell your papers. That's enough about selling papers. Before I finish with that female Dracula, she'll know one thing, that Oliver Stone is worse than radium poisoning four ways from the jack. Mo. Mo who? Who's Mo Levinsky? That's my brother. He's over to get that girl. Remember? Mo, listen. What? What's that? Well, what are you stalling for? Get her back here to the office as I ordered. Get the mush out of your mouth, man, and speak up. He's a dumb collect, Mr. Stone. You better let me talk to him. You'll just get him excited, then he's gone. Hello, Mo. This is Max. Watch on your mind. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. That's a shame. What is it? I'm getting it. Go on, Mo. And take it easy. Uh-huh. I'm sorry. Look, Mo, hold the wire, will you? I'll take it up with Mr. Stone. Well? He wants to know where he can get a doctor. This girl is sick. Who's sick? This girl has a flag. It's a lie. Listen, Max, ask him what she's sick with. He told me. He said it's something like the DTs. Only the dope can't pronounce it. There's the nurse there. Just a minute. Hello, Mo. Hello, Mo. This is Max. Your brother, Max. He's getting rattled. Now, don't play off the handle, Mo. All I want to know is the noise there. No, not a noise. The noise like a tootsie. That's right. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Give me that phone. I'm getting it. Give me that phone, I tell you. Here's the noise. Miss Rafferty? Oliver Stone. Namonia, it's a lie, I tell you. Temperature of 106. Dying? Go back and take her temperature again. I don't trust that girl until I get a doctor. No, not Dr. Downer. Tell Mo to throw that Vermont quack out of the room the minute he shows his face. Get me, Mo. Namonia, it's the finger of God if it's true. Listen, Mo, don't let anybody leave that room until I get there. Dead or alive, nobody leaves that room. Get me? It's like a pardon from the gallows. But I'm trusting nobody this time. I'm taking no chances. Hello. Hello. Get me Dr. Amel Egelhoffer of Vienna. Wherever he is. Well, try all the hotels. Listen, Oliver, I'm going over there. And if you try to stop me, so help me, I'll get you if it takes all my life. Nobody is going to stop you now. If that little girl is sick, your place is by her side. Yes, Dr. Amel Egelhoffer of Vienna. Well, try the medical center. Try Schultz's beer garden. Cut out the shenanigans, will you? We haven't got any time to lose. Wally, Wally, I'm on fire. Wally. Now shut up for a minute and listen to me. Egelhoffer's going to be here in 10 or 15 minutes. Egelhoffer. Dr. Amel Egelhoffer of Vienna. I knew you were faking the money. Don't arrest me. I couldn't get away. You know, I put the thermometer under the hot water and threw a fit. Oh, Wally, you hate me. I knew you'd hate me. I told you, I told you. Let's not go into that now. Oh, Egelhoffer, you'll expose me again to this horrible. Now keep your head and listen to me. You hate me. Now shut up. Where's the hot water? It's in there. As if I didn't know. Have we got two thermometers? There's been a lot of fun playing me for the world's prize chump. Where's the other thermometer? Wallace Cook, King of the Boobs. The only genuine horse's neck on the market. I didn't mean it, really. Shut up and listen to the greatest sucker in Christendom and listen hard. Egelhoffer is coming. With his gang? What gang? Well, he's got a wagonload of scientists with him with, you know, microscopes and a searchlight. Oh, I'm sunk. I give up. Get out of bed. No, no. Let them arrest me and put me in prison. You won't hate me so much if I'm behind bars. Listen, my dying swan, this is no time to stop faking. Ouch! You're going to have pneumonia and you're going to have it good. Well, you want me to stand in front of a window and catch cold? No, I would take too long. You've got to raise your pulse to 160. Quick. You've got to have your gasping panning and covered with a cold sweat inside of five minutes. How? Oh, I don't... fight. Fight. Come on. Come on, Delilah. Up with your jokes. Oh, I can't. I'm sick of faking and lying. Take that ice pack off your head and fight. No, no. What's the use? Why fool them any longer? Because I love you. Because I'm going to marry you when I don't want to spend my honeymoon hanging around sing-sing-blowing kisses to you in the exercise yard. Come on, stop dogging it. You've got to be bathed in perspiration. Come on, get going, you little crook. Who's a crook? Stop, baby. Come on, keep moving, snake brains. I'll kill you. Who ribbons on you, baby? Just a big yellow sign marked fake. And that's where you're at, Mary. Come on, keep moving, my little frog. You're going to have plenty of reason to hate me. I'm going to show you cards and spades and lying for the next 50 years. I'm going to pay you back for every lie you're told. I'm going to flirt and lie and cheat and swindle right through to our golden wedding. Yeah, yeah, let me hit you just once. All right, come on. That's it. Come on, keep coming. Faster, faster. Come on, keep coming. Faster, faster. That's it, keep swinging. That's it, girl. That's it. What's the matter? Come on. No, that's fine. That's fine. Now listen to me and listen carefully. When you come to, I want you to remember what I'm saying. What do you mean, come to? I mean, when you regain consciousness, I want you to switch thermometers. Put the hot one in your mouth. Do you get me? Yeah, yeah. Let me suck you just once. Just once on the jaw. I don't care what happens. All right, come on. Whoa. I just heard the elevator door. They're coming. Don't forget about the thermometer. Yeah, yeah. All right. Say goodnight to Papa now. You put up a nice fight, Wally. You mean to say you saw the whole thing? From the beginning, Mr. Cook. You mean to say you stood there and let me beat up a defenseless woman? I did, Mr. Cook. Where's your sense of chivalry? My chivalry? Aren't you just a trifle confused, Mr. Cook? You hit her. That's entirely different. I love her. No, Hazel. The jig is up. What? What? The jig is up. I'm sorry. You thought you could put one over on Oliver Stone, eh? Well, I guess I'd still know a fate. Will you keep out of this? Yes, dear. I wonder if you are aware of the traditions of a great newspaper. Do you realize what it means to those who carry along the torch of journalism? From the highest editor to the lowest office boy, the lifeblood of a newspaper, Miss Flag, is its integrity. Am I right, Wally? Word for word. I wrote that speech for you 10 years ago at the Cleveland Convention. You remember? You can both talk all you want. I've made up my mind. You're what? I'm through. What do you mean you're through? I'm gonna confess. I'm going back to Warsaw. They love me there. They don't hit me on the jaw and push me in rivers. But you can't confess. Do you realize that out there are some of the most important citizens of this town? All of those people are out there by special invitation from the Morning Star. And why? To pass on to the people of New York. To the people of the world. Your last words. For instance. Now, this is no time for sarcasm, Wally. You got me into this. You get me out. Use your brain. Mine's stunned. Where's Dr. Downer? Where's that weasel-hearted medical? He's been on a toot. We could use him. We could throw him to the wolves. Just when we need him, he isn't here. I got an idea. We can bury him. Like they do in India. You know, like the yogis. We can stick a tube down for it or breathe through and dig her up in the morning with no harm done. Stone, is this true? This is terrible. Terrible. Why endorse this thing? I sponsored this girl. I gave her the key to the city. And just as an election was coming up. The key, I won't be needing it anymore. Miss Flag, I represent 100,000 young matrons. We've switched the whole study course from the menace of communism to the inspiration of Hazel Flag. Miss Flag, the girlfriends of the forest have just organized a Hazel Flag unit with me as Chief Ranger. Already, we have 4,000 members. If you persist in flaunting your recovery in this flagrant manner, the Trees of America will be without girlfriends. Ladies and gentlemen, the morning star keeps faith with its readers. This thing must not get out. Oh, let me alone. I wish I really could die. Go someplace by myself and die alone, like an elephant. Happy, Mr. Cook. Exotic, Mrs. Cook. I know what you're going to say. You think I'm a hero? No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I know what you're going to say. You think I'm Hazel Flag. Well, I'm getting sick and tired of people mistaking me for that fake. Fake? Young woman, how dare you speak of Hazel Flag as a fake? How dare you slay the memory of one of the most gallant girls that ever lived? Despite you and your kind, the world will never forget Hazel Flag. Afraid of. Don't worry, baby. Two months from now, they won't know who Hazel Flag was. They'll find another elephant. Darling, you're forgetting that everybody in New York loved me and loved me. They loved me for my courage, my brave smile in the face of... Well, after all, I was a pretty important person. Just a flash in the pan of Manhattan. They were beginning to get pretty impatient at the way you were dragging the thing out. That's a lie, and you know it. Why, right now, millions of people are crying just thinking about me. Why don't you get wise to yourself, Hazel? You were just another freak like the bearded lady, Jojo the dog face. Take that back! Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Hazel!