 What are connecting questions and how can we use them to build belonging, connection and create a positive proactive tone for meetings about children? That's what we're going to explore in today's episode. Let's dive straight in. So connecting questions is something I find myself suggesting quite a lot lately because I'm all about small practical things that make a big difference and and connecting questions used at the beginning of meetings are something that can make a big difference both to the adults in the room. They can build belonging, connection and add generally to that sense of well-being, self-confidence, self-esteem within the room and also they can really begin to sort of flip the narrative, change the story and enable us to have much more positive proactive meetings with the right tone set about our children. So they really sort of are double whammy to be honest. I absolutely love them and also use them myself quite often when working with groups of people and I want to change the feeling in the room or build that sense of connection. So a connecting question is just literally any question that connects the people in the room and we often find ourselves in this situation where we are a set of individuals perhaps with some kind of shared agenda otherwise we wouldn't be there together but we're not a team. We're not all singing from the same hymn sheet and we don't necessarily have a unified goal. We might have a shared aim but we might not have shared ideas about how we're going to get there or maybe even what we think that's going to look like. Also we can have lots of different agendas driving this and sometimes we can lose sight of exactly what really really matters and we can find that sometimes some people in the room are driven by data type agendas or that they've got a very different take on things than other people in the room and all these things can create a less cohesive atmosphere and certainly one that might not make for the most positive proactive lovely outcomes for the child and can be intimidating for adults in the room who are less familiar with this kind of situation or just generally less uncomfortable in these kinds of situations. So we're going to think about different kinds of connecting questions and how we might use them. So the first kind of connecting question is one where we set the tone. So setting the tone is about us thinking ahead of this meeting. What do I want this whole meeting actually to feel like? So perhaps we're having a team around the child meeting. We've brought together a group of different adults who have different relationships with the child. There might be people there from home. There might be people there from school, some in a kind of teaching capacity, others in a pastoral capacity, perhaps others who have come from outside who support the child via other services. There could be all sorts of different people in the room who don't necessarily all know the child in the same context and who might all have different experiences, motivations and so on about the child. So when we think about setting the tone we're thinking how do we want this meeting to feel? So if you're the person who is leading the meeting or if you're in a position to influence the person who is leading the meeting think about asking a connecting question that would set the tone. So for example if we were having a meeting about Sean then we might say okay before we get on to the full agenda I just wanted to take a moment first of all just to reflect and think about what's fantastic about Sean and we would start with something that was as outright blatant, lovely as that. What is fantastic about Sean? Probably we've come together because there's been a problem with Sean. Something that somebody sees as an issue to overcome, a problem to be solved, in some way something negative has happened to trigger this meeting. We don't tend unfortunately to have these kinds of meetings when things are going swimmingly and well and we're here to celebrate a child. Rather we are here with issues, problems, negative stuff. This doesn't tend to work in the child's very best interests and can be really particularly tricky for those adults closest to the child. I'm thinking particularly of those adults from home and I know many of you listening in will be the adults from home and you'll be nodding along. So instead we start with what's fantastic about this child rather than recounting the issues problems, the things that have arisen in order for this meeting to have come about. So what is fantastic about Sean? Now we might do this as something that we share with one another in pairs if there's lots of people in the room or we can all share to the middle of the room and everybody can state what they like about the child. You, if you're leading the meeting, can really set the tone here by planning ahead and thinking really carefully about some really sincere and specific things that you're going to share that you really, really like about Sean. And we're thinking here about what makes this kid special? What makes this kid unique? What are his passions, his interests, his hobbies? What are the things that you admire about him? Where are those glimmers of real hope and joy that you see in your day-to-day work or care of this child? What are the things that would make him proud? What are the things you would like him to be able to hear? And of course maybe Sean is in the room. That would be optimal and imagine him hearing all those wonderful things about him as a way to start this meeting. Imagine how that kid would walk on air. As an aside, if you do start a meeting in this way and the child's not in the room, it's really lovely to take a note, even a mental one, of the nice things that the adults in the room have said about them to report back to the child because often they're not really used to hearing those kinds of really positive things from a range of adults in their life. So our first kind of question was about setting the tone and you can use anything there that sets the tone that you're hoping to create for this meeting. And often it will be that positive proactive child-centered tone. So we start with a positive proactive question about the child. Another kind of connecting question that we could use is one that shares experiences. This is one to try and get every adult in the room focused in a problem-solving mindset. This does two things. One is it takes a group of individuals and by looking at a shared problem to solve together then we become a team. It's one of the quickest ways to become a team from a set of individuals is to have a shared problem to solve. And it also gets us into thinking positively proactive in a problem-solving kind of way. So the meeting doesn't degenerate into being very problem-focused. We want to be problem-solving focused. So it takes a bit of a different slant. So we might hear be sharing experiences about something alike. Can people share their experiences of what has worked really well in such and such a situation? And this does not need to be directly related to the exact scenario that you're looking to address today, though it might be inspired by it, but it's really just a kind of a warm-up to get people thinking and get them thinking proactively and helping them realize that between them they have lots of different ideas. So for example, one I've used recently in a group of very, very mixed adults with different relationships to children within the room, I use the example of has anyone got any experiences to share of what's worked well when enabling a child who found it very difficult to speak in class to have their point of view heard? And this was a question that got people really thinking. Lots of people had direct experiences to share, or they had ideas that they had read about or heard about elsewhere, and they were able to all add to the conversation. The other really nice thing about this kind of connecting question where we're directly sharing practical experiences is it really levels the playing field. So sometimes within a meeting at the beginning there's this hierarchy of who sits where within the pecking order, and actually these kinds of connecting questions where we're directly sharing practical experiences and ideas can totally flip what that hierarchy looks like and really level it out, because the people who very often have very, very good experiences to share here will be our parents, will be our carers, will be our support staff who know children one to one and work directly with them each and every day to overcome these sorts of problems. And so they'll often have really, really good experiences to share, really practical stuff, and so it really levels out that playing field. Suddenly everybody is seen for their expertise, for their ideas, and it really, just helps to even things out, makes everybody feel a bit more comfortable contributing in the meeting today. Another kind of connecting question that you might choose to kick a meeting off with, and this is one that you might build into a regular agenda, is a learning question. Yes, I'm using the word learning again, having irritated you with it in previous podcasts. So learning is the idea of finding learning through failure and thinking about the times when things didn't go quite right, and actually thinking, well, what do we learn from that? What were the opportunities that we gained from that situation on reflection? What we do differently? And so on and so forth. And when we use learning moments as a way to connect at the beginning of a meeting, we ask a question about what mistakes have we made lately? Or what have we learned from things that went less well? Or has anyone got a mistake that they would be happy to share? And when we start with these kinds of connecting questions, when we gift our mistakes to others so they don't have to walk that same path, this creates an environment for that meeting, and for every meeting, if you do this regularly, where it's okay for the people in the room not to be perfect, where it's okay to be a little bit bold and brave in our suggestions and to perhaps try different things, where it's okay to admit when things haven't gone entirely right, and where it's okay to ask for help and support. And this can be really helpful, because A, it just generally over time will boost the kind of the well-being and the ability of people in the room to seek support and help from each other, and reduces the possibilities of things like perfectionism, or people holding themselves to impossible standards, thinking that everyone else is getting it right all the time because they're hearing that they're not. But also, even in a one-off meeting, it can really, really begin to change that tone. Because suddenly, instead of a group of adults in the room who might be, sometimes we can be a little bit, I don't know, competitive, and everybody's trying to show that they're the greatest person in the room. The kind of question we will often start meetings with is, everybody please introduce yourself. And everybody always seems to try and make themselves sound like the highest and the mightiest and the most amazing. I hate that. Honestly, I can't tell you it's the worst question to start a meeting with. And I know when you've got a group of disparate professionals, it's probably appropriate that everyone should introduce themselves. But I never know what to say. I just sit there whilst everyone is reeling off their amazing CV, sitting there going, and I am just pooky. I have no idea why you've asked me in the room. Why have you asked me in the room with all these amazing people here? I have no idea why I'm here. I hate this. I want the ground to open up and swallow me up. I can feel like a complete failure and the meeting hasn't even started yet. That might just be a meeting, but perhaps it happens to you too. But what happens when we introduce ourselves in that way, there is everyone's kind of trying to elevate themselves. But if we ask a question like, hey, can everyone share a mistake they recently made and what they learned from it, and we might do that in pairs if people aren't brave enough to do it in the whole room. But if we ask a question like that, that totally changes the feeling in the room. Suddenly, we're all human. We all suddenly realise that, you know, I wore my pants backwards yesterday and I spelt my own name wrong on a PowerPoint presentation or whatever. And we realise that everyone in the room is just another human being, and we're all just trying to muddle through this thing called life. And maybe, just maybe, if we connect and we work together on this, we might muddle through just a little bit better. And that might be in the best interest of the child that we're meeting about. So, learning, it's a really good way to just totally kind of break people down a peg or two, I guess, and create a really human approach to the things that we're doing and can make us a bit bolder, braver in the things that we suggest throughout that meeting. And so people can think outside the box a little bit more readily. Final kind of connecting question that you can use to start a meeting is one that is just for fun. Now, I will use these kinds of questions if I feel that ice needs to be broken. If people have been made to sit on tables at a conference that I'm speaking at where they're not allowed to sit with their friends, I might do this, to try and create a little bit of fun and a sense of connection on that table. It can be a nice way just to start regular meetings if we're really trying to build that sense of belonging and connection. And these questions feel like a waste of time if you don't think about all that they're bringing, because what do they actually contribute? Asking a question like, my favorite one, I'll drop into a conference every now and then, what was your favorite album when you were 13? This is a question that is guaranteed to generate a lot of hubbub in the room, a lot of discussion and banter and some laughter as well quite often. But what does it actually contribute? When I'm being paid to stand there and talk to people, why would I ask a question like that? The reason is because actually it does get people talking. It really does break the ice. It helps us see each other as humans, where before we weren't connected and there might have been some barriers and there might be people feeling very uncomfortable. And it also can create that sense of fun and laughter. And creating connection through fun and playfulness and laughter through these kinds of more silly questions, best biscuit in the biscuit barrel, share your favorite joke, whatever, funny memory. It can be anything, just something that's just for fun. What's the worst fashion faux pas that you ever made? What's the haircut that you most regret? Anything that's just a bit silly? When we connect through a little bit of fun and a little bit of laughter, that creates a safe environment. So when we're connecting in that way, it creates a safe environment where we are actually fully connected, which then creates a springboard for working together. So if I'm asking a question like this at a conference, it's because I'm going to be asking a lot more tricky, challenging, on-topic questions later on in that session. And by starting with something like this, I've then created a little team who will actually discuss things in a way that's meaningful, rather than having to be really kind of guarded about their answers and not feeling confident speaking up in this group. That's the idea and it tends to work fairly well and it can work really in any meeting. So if you're bringing together people who don't know each other, maybe we do ask a bit of a fun, a bit of a silly question. And it can be a nice way to get teams who do know each other somewhat well to reconnect and to learn a little bit more about each other as well. And what you will sometimes find as well is these kinds of just-for-fun questions will spill over into the breaks as well. And they can be a nice springboard for further discussion too, outside of that initial asking. So for me, are those kind of conference type events the person who's arrived at their own suddenly does have someone they can have a chat to because they have a shared love of oasis when they were 13, for example. So connecting questions, these are a way that I find to be very, very helpful to start meetings to build connection and belonging between adults in the room, which can be used over time to promote staff well-being if you're thinking about it from a line manager's point of view. But they can also be used to create a feeling of team within meetings where they are brought together more ad hoc. They can also be used to set a really positive, proactive, and bold and brave tone for what we want to happen in that meeting today. So give them a try. I'd love to hear about whether connecting questions have proven a good way for you to start or get back on track meetings that you are involved with. So just to recap on those question types, we thought about setting the tone, things like, what is fantastic about Sean? We talked about sharing experiences. Does anyone have any ideas about how to support a child who really struggles to speak in class? We talked about learning. Who's happy to share a mistake that they recently made and what they learned from it? And just for fun, what was your favourite album when you were 13? I hope you find some of these ideas helpful. And it would be great to hear from you on social media how you do use these ideas. Many of you ask how you can support my work. The easiest way that you can support my work is by sharing it. So if you liked this episode of my podcast or any of my other resources, please do share them on social media and on your email lists or by word of mouth. You can also support me by becoming one of my Patreons for a pound a month where you get a little bit of extra pookie and you see resources ahead of time. But mainly it's just a way of saying that you'd like to support my work and kind of join my tribe. Or you can support me by inviting me to speak at your setting or at your next event. Thank you so much for listening and I look forward to working with you again in a future episode. But for now, over and out.