 Hey, what's up guys? As you can see my wrist is in a thing. Those of you who don't know I have arthritis, I have issues with my joints. My hand is locked into place a lot and currently my wrist is in a lot of pain. I've had my pain meds and I'm gonna have to wear this today because the pain is too much for me. I'm vlogging because I want to show that I can still manage. And this is one of the things that actually gets me really, really down at times. I'm 20 and I have issues with my joints and it scares me because I'm only 20. What's going to happen in the future? But you know you have to pull through, you have to manage and kind of why I'm vlogging this because I think it's such an important thing. So yeah, get the mail shall we? This vlog is about my physical health issues which you can see I have this on my hand today. I don't talk about my physical health very often. I talk more about mental health than that and how it impacts me. Today I wanted to show you that I do have physical health stuff and it impacts my mental health. My anxiety is so bad because when I have this on I get scared that people are judging me and thinking she's too young to have these health conditions. I don't know, it just really impacts me in a very negative way and the negativity of it just pisses me off. I very often won't wear this because I get so afraid of judgment. Recently I've actually started to get more confidence with myself and started wearing it because when I wear this it saves a lot of pain. I have a lot of pain in my hands. The pain I have in my hands is unbearable and I have a lot of pain medication. I don't talk about my physical health enough and I want to start and this vlog is kind of me introducing the subject. So yeah, I'm waiting for my train as well and I'm vlogging in public on my own and proud of myself. I know why it's so nice not being in pain and I might have to start wearing it. I'm going to do the next one. I've only had one person comment so far on it. There was some random person in the street that said, oh it's your hand. I was like, yeah, it's fine. Just out of the right, you should know. Living life. And he said, oh you're quite young. I was like, yeah, I know. It's pretty sudden in his life. It's a bit, isn't it? Yep. So pretty helpful. Don't want this one. How on the next one? Not the next one. The one after. Oh god. How many minutes were you? I don't want to use my hands. Door 3. Doors opening. Hey what's up you guys. Welcome back to my channel. I hope you enjoyed the little vlog clip you just saw. Today I'm talking about my arthritis and I spoke briefly about this previously. I've never done a dedicated video on this subject because I've always been so afraid of judgment because I get a lot of comments from both people I know, people I've been with and just people who are part of my class say, hey you're too young to have arthritis. And it's a hard thing. Imagine having this condition that is known for affecting older people and being 20. I was 17 when I was diagnosed with arthritis. I'm 20 now and being 20 and knowing that I've been diagnosed with this condition for three years, it doesn't bother me anymore. The pain, it hurts. I have pain medication. I have been to physiotherapy. I have exercises I have to do. I have a wrist splint. I can't do things that other people can do. I couldn't go rock climbing if I wanted to. I couldn't go bowling if I wanted to. I find it very hard to do handwritten stuff after a bit because my arm just hurts. The pain in my joints is so unreal. So I have to use a laptop a lot at the time. And being the only person in a class of around 10 people that uses a laptop, it's a bit hard. What has been, I found at uni, it's been harder than it was at college. And the reason being is everyone uses notebooks. Everyone just writes it down. And when you're watching a film in class because I didn't do a film degree, you're the only one with a little bloody screen and you can't take notes because you end up turning it off while the film's on and you lift it up and you can't remember anything. And it's had such a negative impact on my studies. And I don't want to talk too much about how it's affecting my studies because I am getting used to it again. I try my best with what I do. And another thing is, is when I'm filming, because of my degree, I do film production, I can't hold the cameras. I can't set up the tripods we have. And that's what is really hard about it. And people forget that when you say, like jokingly say, oh, well, you used to be 70, it's like, well, I fucking feel it. Like, if my wrists are in a bad day, I can't even use fucking knives and forks. And it's so hard. It has affected my mental health. And when I was first diagnosed with it, that was when my mental health really declined. That year was the same year I stopped eating. It was the same year myself. Harm got really bad. It was the same year I moved out of my mom's. The same year I got kicked out of my mom's. It was the same year that I tried to kill myself. It was the first ever serious suicide attempt I made. I was 17. And it was after I had that diagnosed because I got convinced that it was going to be all my life. And it had stopped me doing a lot of things. I can't sit here and I can't stand around pretending it doesn't affect me because it does. It causes a lot of issues to me. I don't wear the wrist splint as much as I should because I get very, I don't know if it's very weird, but I get very ashamed of it. I get very self-conscious. I get feeling that people are judging me. And because I automatically assume the worst in every situation, I get very, very anxious about it. It has really, really impacted my mental health. And people don't understand how much it affects me. Being only 20 and getting told that, hey, you've got this incurable thing with your joints that's only going to get worse with time, it's hard. It really is because I can't do a lot of the things that people my age can do. I can't and I can't do anything to change that. And accepting that is so hard. I can't even stand here and say that I'm over it, that I'm used to it. Because I'm not, like, to a point, like, pain. I can do it, but I'm so used to it now. Because I've had pains in, like, my wrists since I was about 12, so that's gone on for a long time. But no, it's just knowing that I've got this issue that I will never be able to get over, it affects me. And it scares me because in my mind I'm like, well, things are this bad now. How are they going to be in 10 years, in 20 years? And when I have people around me saying, oh, you're jokingly saying, oh, well, you don't know, you're just 20 going on 70. And it's like, it's all right for you to joke and I'll have a lung, but it's fucking, it's hard. And I haven't sworn this much in a video in a long time. Yesterday was the first day since I moved to London that I've worn the wrist splint out. And that sounded like such a small achievement, but for the last month that I've lived in London, I haven't worn it at all. I've been too afraid to go out wearing it because I've been too afraid of judgment. And then yesterday I was in so much pain, I was like, I can't keep doing this to myself. And I just wore it. And the people who commented on it was very nice about it. The people who were hanging around were very unique. They was amazing and supportive. And they actually helped me a lot because I was in a lot of pain yesterday, as I mentioned. I was in a lot of pain when I was taking notes and they ended up just taking a photo of it then and sending it to me in the group chat and saying, don't worry, I'm in pain, just tell us what to write. And it sounds bad, but just having someone offered to be able to felt amazing because throughout my education, I've always had people around me being like, oh, you can just do it like this, you can do it in a way. And it's all well and good saying, I'll just use a laptop or just voice recording. But having something that makes you act differently in a class is very hard. It's not the same as, but it's very similar to if you have an interpreter because you're deaf or if you're blind, so you have a guide. It's very similar when you have people judging you because you can't physically write something. It's not the same judgment, but it feels very directed because you are in the minority of the group because I am only 20 and my class is younger than me. I'm one of the oldest people in my class and it's just hard because I do have this health condition and it is only going to get worse with time and I'm currently filming a horror show and I can't hold the camera equipment and I feel kind of useless. And while I know I'm not and I know I'm doing a lot of the other stuff and they're happy with me doing that, I just feel like I'm not contributing enough and it just really gets me down and it really does. It's probably one of the only things in my health that affects me. The dissociation is a big issue. Anxiety is a big issue. Food is a big issue and arthritis is a huge issue. Depression is an issue, but it's nothing. I'm not used. I can deal with that. PTSD, I can deal with that. What I can't deal with is the arthritis because it is physical. But the effect of my mental health is ridiculous. I get so afraid of judgment. It makes my anxiety worse. When I can't physically do it, I'm in pain just writing. I get so frustrated with myself. I get a bit like, why can't I just fucking write, you know? And it's one of the things that really, I need to have my medication. I keep shaking. Oh my God. It really, really does affect me and people don't understand how bad things can be. When you have issues with your physical health and you have people around you joking about it, you laugh along, you pretend that you're fine with it and then when you're alone you just get so upset and it makes you feel horrible. I had one person who was very close to me make a joke. Well, you see he could be 70. And I know I keep saying that. That's one comment that really irritates me because it does affect a lot of people and it's not just older people that affect. I guess younger people are the minority with the condition, but I don't like it. When that was said to me, I remember going home after a weekend and I just cried. I was like, I can never go back to how I was before. I can never go back to writing pages and pages and pages of where. I can never go back to just drawing for fun when I want to. I have to do it. I can draw still, but I can do it a bit at a time. I can't do it all in one go. And just being in this position is horrible. It is horrible. It's the worst thing ever. It really is because it has such an impact on your mental health that you start thinking, well, I can't just be like everyone else. I do think that when that was diagnosed it made my health a lot worse. I mean, mental health is terrible. Because yes, I had an answer as to why I was in so much pain, but I was also told that I could never get better from it. I could do things to improve it, but it would eventually get worse. And I don't know. I'm 20. I don't know. I really don't. If anyone else is struggling with something like this, just know you're not alone. If anyone's struggling with anything, you're not alone. Throw out people out there and you can get through it. I'm not going to say that it gets easier. It definitely gets a bit easier with time, but it's hard. You know, life is hard. I'm going to do a bit of self-promoing now, so love me. If you're new here, hit the subscribe button. I do a lot of mental health content. This is kind of the exception. Physical health, this is. But mental health is my main content type. I started the second channel. I'm starting a second channel Wednesday this week. And yeah. I wrote a book this year. It's linked in the description. There'll be a new book coming out this year, which I'm excited for. It should be out at the end of this month. If not, start next month. I also have a Twitter and Instagram and Facebook if you don't want to follow me on that. It's linked in the description. Leave a comment down below if any video requests or questions you may have, and I will answer them in my next video or in a future video if they're a question. Or if it's a video request, I'll make that. You know what I mean. You know what I mean. Right. I'm going to get back into my pajamas and take off the top from yesterday because I wanted this video to be consistent. So I like put on yesterday's top. Now I'm going to get back into bed because I'm tired. Okay. I'm so tired. So I did a hand thing while I walk off. I think I should do the hand thing because I did a hand thing. Okay.