 Well, hello and welcome to understand men now I'm Jonathan Asley of Johnthassey.com And I'm so excited for being able to do this live stream for you today our topic our modern women living in a fantasy the truth about men and Commitment all right really quickly if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button hit the bell So you can be notified of new videos And if at any time during this video the content resonates with you, please hit that like button So YouTube shows this in their algorithm and one last note. This is brand new. I do Typically have Explicit language in my videos. So if that's something that turns you off I just want to give you a heads up right now. There is explicit language alright Oh and one last thing before if you're listening to the replay I do content first then I go into Q&A. So there'll be content for 10 to 15 minutes and then we'll go into Q&A Okay, our topic our modern women living in a fantasy the truth about men and commitment so Listen, we've all heard the the term, you know Disney movies and Hollywood and the fantasy of Relationships that we've been indoctrinated with you know this idea of Prince Charming is just gonna come and rescue You and everything and I'd like to think that most people aren't living in that fantasy bubble as much as it maybe was maybe 10 15 20 years ago Although as a dating and relationship coach For women particularly in midlife and I say midlife is after baby making years and before retirement I will tell you that with over 20,000 hours of coaching time under my belt in the last 12 13 years give or take I can tell you that most women actually think of Relationships in the clouds in the clouds and not at the ground level Not at the ground level and I say this because anyone who's gone through my private coaching program always I mean every woman who has gone through my private coaching program says the same thing Jonathan why didn't they teach me this in school? Why didn't my parents teach me this? Why didn't I learn this before I dated that knucklehead or got married and so what I've observed is that we as human beings? operate with a lot of What's the word? Cluelessness when it comes to who's the right partner for you who's truly compatible with you Who's truly emotionally available? Emotionally mature for you and how to ask the right questions if you can be in a healthy happy relationship and I say this because I witness over and over again women are Stuck on this one narrative and and it's true for men as well But I see this more in women is that I it's basically this narrative I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself Let me repeat that I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself and the one thing I see women do Frequently over and over and over and over again is that they give their power away to a man And what that means is your whole happiness is predicated on whether or not he loves you and I'm here to say that if you continue with this patterning you're going to experience more and more pain in your life and Part of the problem is is we've been indoctrinated into this belief that chemistry equals Relationship success. I'm gonna repeat that that chemistry equals relationship success, and I'm here to say there's a lot more to it in addition in addition when it comes to men women when it when it comes to men women have this I believe this false sense this false belief that sex Equals love and commitment for men that the minute you have sex with the man that he's all in in love and committed Now I'm not saying that you actually believe that but the way many of you operate Are operating on that premise? Because literally I've seen so many women in short-lived relationships lose their minds Over a guy that they barely knew They literally lose their minds. I mean and there's so much anxiety and Frustration and angst and sadly Dating triggers the number one emotional health issue facing almost everyone and that issue is I'm not good enough I'm not lovable, and I'm not likable So if you've had one two three or four five or six short-lived relationships, that's gonna wear on your emotional well-being And so I want to offer some perspective today And I did take some notes, so I want to write this down because when it coming back to something I just said Chemistry does not equal Relationship success, and I'm gonna piggy. I'm gonna talk about that in greater detail in a moment I'm also here to say that sex for men doesn't mean love and commitment I better turn off my phone sex does not mean love or commitment and furthermore feelings aren't facts feelings aren't facts and I'm gonna get to that in a second and I also want to talk about men in the context of being provider Protectors, and I'm gonna share with you the bigger picture and the solution to all this So I just talked about chemistry does not equal relationship success And I said sex does not mean love and commitment But I want to talk for a moment that feelings aren't facts and what I mean to say is You know somebody can care for you. Okay caring is a feeling Okay, but that doesn't mean I'm going to feel that all the time that feeling may change Because think about it in any given day you can have hundreds and hundreds of feelings Okay, you can feel upset you can feel anguish here. Hold on one second everyone I want to prove a point there for a second. I didn't prepare. I didn't have this handy, but here's a list of feelings Okay, now. I just want to give you some ideas of different types of feelings calm centered content fulfilled patient engaged fascinated interested Anguished despair despondent adventurous brave capable calm caring loving there's and there's there's hundreds of things Hundreds listed right here of different feelings and sometimes we can have two feelings Colliding with one another we can feel care for another human being and we can feel doubt for another human being Which is why I say feelings aren't facts and so many of you will latch on to you know He expressed how much he cared for me and then two days later. He doesn't return a phone call. What does that mean? You know well the thing is life is lived in the present It's not lived in the future hence why feelings aren't facts feelings are just what they are in the moment and The fantasy many of you do that I've noticed many women do is they attach to that Feeling that a man shares with you and expresses that out for Infinitum as if that's going to be how he feels for the rest of his life And I'm here to say until you get I and I'm By the way, if I don't mean to be judgy here because don't forget. I'm your big brother I'm here to protect you from the bad guys and and you know get you married as soon as possible That's my goal is to treat you like your big brother So I'm here to say that it's really important that you do a lot of this work for yourself because I'm not always Going to be there for you hence why if you watch my videos I refer book after book after book to read and There's another notion I want you to understand about men Especially at midlife centered around this idea that men are provider protectors Let me be clear about this one this fantasy Many of you have adopted that men are supposed to be the provider protectors And that's why they're supposed to be chivalrous and pay for everything Well, here's the reality with most men over 40 Over 45 actually 75 percent of singles who are actively dating in the active dating market 75% of those people are divorced and with divorce comes alimony child support Visitation rights family court custody just to name a few things And the reality is is the vast majority of the population here in the United States Makes less 80% of the population makes less than a hundred thousand dollars a year In fact in most marriages it takes two incomes to make a relationship work So this whole notion that they just want to provide and protect for you because that's just the way our DNA is Well, let me just tell you this a lot of men and women become incredibly bitter and jaded after going through a Horrific divorce and they are less likely to even commit in Relationship let alone wanting to be the provider protector for someone. So this is another fantasy I witnessed so many women adopting over and over again, and I just want to change the narrative from a place of understanding From a place of understanding so I want to share with you the four pillars to relationship success and I want to it introduce a new way of dating mating and relating. Okay, so the four pillars to relationship success are First and I'm gonna go Starting with number two instead of number one. Okay number two is shared Values is the person I'm with shares the same values as I do, you know, it's fascinating as a single man on the dating apps I can see so many times how some women will write You know like if you voted for Trump's Trump swipe the other day at way if you voted for this person swipe the other way And I'm using politics or religion maybe as an example of someone's values And when two people don't share the same values in life, and I don't mean honesty integrity and and Trust I mean those are just kind of givens in my opinion But the reality is is people might have different values in life in different ideologies And if your values and ideologies differ dramatically from one another the chance of your relationship success diminishes substantially Add to that the ability to blend number three is blend lives together and This is so critically important because if you want to have a fully committed relationship to leads to something Significant in life then your lives have to be blendable with one another and I witnessed so many people choose relationships with in other words They start dating people who temporarily they're able to see each other But their lives are so incompatible with one another and then they wonder why the relationship fails Blendable lifestyles is a critical importance for a relationship success And you got a differentiate between someone in their 20s and 30s who is in the I want to make babies phase versus somebody's in their 40s 50s and 60s or even 70s Like many of the women I work with is are you choosing people's whose lifestyle can blend with yours? So that third piece is blendable lifestyles number four is emotional maturity emotional maturity and Sadly the vast majority of the population has weak emotional skills. This is why I continually recommend the book Nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg it should have been titled compassionate communication But the reality is is most people Aren't good communicators and this is true for women as many as well as men so the fantasy I'm talking about in many cases is the fantasy that many of you women think you're actually good at this and I'm telling you it's not women. It's not men are bad It's both its human beings are not good at this stuff And so it's time to let go of this narrative in this fantasy and then the first piece I said the four pillars of relationship success We said number two was shared values three blendable lifestyles number four emotional maturity and number one Chemistry we just talked about that the problem with chemistry is a lot of people confuse lust and limerence lust and limerence with love The react so ladies I know you you get so charged up by listening to these feminine energy coaches that are telling you how men are gonna be So chivalrous and they're just gonna claim you and all you have to do is just sit back in your feminine energy And it's just gonna magically work out so when a guy is chasing a woman he's usually amped up on lust or Limerence and limerence is extreme infatuation. It's where a guy puts a woman up on a pedestal and My I know I got to put my phone on Silent so lust and limerence is oftentimes what men chase in the beginning But that doesn't mean that they're experiencing love. I did a survey To my YouTube channel and over 60% of you believed that men fall in love in the first 90 days That's not true It takes time to develop true love. We can have lust and infatuation in the first 90 days But how many men are Gonna sit there you've known 90 days and all of a sudden you're going through cancer and how many men are actually gonna be by your side and Stick it out with you for one or two years a man. You've only known 90 days But you say you're in love with each other How realistic is that whether it's a man or a woman? In fact, this is where the words. I love you gets so Misused and so I have my own version of what I love you means And I think it takes a good six months to a year of developing the roots to trust The roots to trust to even remotely get into a place of actual true loving one another because when I say the words I love you the next woman. I say the words. I love you and I mean I'm in love with you. This is what I mean I'm here You matter We are important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. I'm here. I'm present You matter that's saying that you that you matter to me. I'm not gonna treat you like an option I'm gonna treat you like a priority We are important that means that the relationship is a separate entity and I'm going to treat it that way Let's see. I'm here. You matter. We're important. I've got your back. That means I'm gonna be there for you when you need me I'm not going anywhere. That means I'm rooted in this relationship And I only want you means I want to passionately be in in in love with you both on a physical and emotional level and so I share all this Because I've witnessed so many women living in the fantasy realm of relationships the indoctrination and I'm telling you I really I listen, I Want to say this most men I'm gonna go back to men most men are good guys It's just most men are bad daters and this grand expectation Coming from men is not going to help many of you now I'm also going to say this most human beings are Suffering on the inside in some way shape or form and most human beings have weak emotional skills This is why when I introduced the work and especially doing the self-love work And if you're not familiar with my book what the heck is self-love anyway? It's a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work Because my invitation for everybody is to do the inner work So it's not about whether or not a man loves you for you to feel good about yourself. It's when you feel good about yourself The right man is going to come into your orbit, and that's my invitation for everybody So the solution to all of this is what I call intentional dating and Radical honesty that's right intentional dating and radical honesty intentional dating is basically saying hey Since of my audience is women I'm not by the way I can criticize men just as equally and I'm just gonna say men are equally bad at the stuff that I'm saying women are Okay, but intentional dating basically says ladies before you allow the penis into the vagina You better do a good job of pre-qualifying your prospect because here's the problem is the minute You have sex with them you're bonded to them and you could be bonded with the wrong guy So ask better questions. This is why I highly recommend reading the book eight dates by dr John and Julie Gottman and before you have sex with a guy You might want to give him a copy of this book now someone wrote me today. Well, that would be a total turnoff to a guy Yeah, it's a total turnoff to the wrong guy Because the right guy is going to appreciate your level of depth and the wrong guy is going to be chasing tails somewhere else and Sadly, look it we are dealing with it. It's a cluster fuck out there in the dating realm Especially for those of us in midlife and these devices haven't helped one bit Now what I mean to say is Look it the internet's a great place to connect with people and quite frankly 90% of all new Dates these days is happening through an internet connection but the internet is going to be is loaded with scam artists and flakes and Emotionally unhealthy people. That's just the reality of it. It's not that it's a bad tool It's just the reality of human beings We have we now just have access to vomit our dysfunction just more Places than we do when we're in a level of what we don't have that kind of connectivity But the internet still by the way and without the internet, you know without the internet I want to read you something. Does anyone remember the movie sleepless in Seattle sleepless in Seattle? This was pre-internet. Okay, there's a quote in the movie that totally cracked me up and the quote is It's easier to be killed by a terrorist than to find a husband Over the age of 40 and someone responds back that statistics not true and Becky says that's right It's not true But it feels true and what i'm here to say is If we didn't have the internet to meet people We would have a lot more Loanlier people out there because the reality is is we're not mingling Socially in a way to meet single eligible people at our age bracket I work from home my chances of if I didn't have the internet My chances of finding true love is I'm maybe the the female burglar that comes to my house to steal my tv says Hey, you're kind of cute Now I'm here to say there's also other forms of internet which includes facebook and some other things But this is the reality of it So we can either Crucify the medium and say it's bad or we can accept and go maybe being intentional And being radically honest in the beginning is going to have a greater chance of relationship success Can I please get an amen if you agree? By the way, if any of this content resonate with you right now, please hit that thumbs up button So this can get seen by more people in the algorithms. Okay Just to repeat Chemistry does not equal relationship success sex does not mean love and commitment Feelings aren't facts and human beings always have conflicting feelings Men aren't necessarily provider protectors after they've turned 45 They've been many of them have been hurt in their past relationships and don't feel that biological need to do that And the four pillars of relationship success Chemistry shared values blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity and lastly Being intentional and being radically honest is your greatest chance for relationship success And oh one last thing to bring back remember when men are chasing you It's often based on lust and limerence and this is why I think women are living in a fantasy And I've just given you the truth about men in relation and commitment All right, let's start taking questions now So really quickly if you have a question post the word question and then write your question out Or you can purchase a super sticker in a super chat those funds Go to a foundation. I'm starting for I'm starting for my son Connor Those of you know that my son Connor passed away a few years ago And I'm starting a foundation in his name in honor of Connor and the funds go to Support a scholarship fund for those people who want to do personal development work. All right. So time to take questions Let's see what we've got Mary Beth says amen my man says I've always got your back instead of I love you as it means more to him I love that great okay Oh shahun oh shun. Oh, I can't say your name. Please forgive me. Okay question How do men live in a fantasy? What are some key elements? Is there a book or on this or articles? I can read or do men generally just live in the moment and see what happens. I love this so Have you ever seen that meme where there's a man standing in front of a mirror He's rather overweight and he flexes his muscles and he looks in the mirror and he sees in the donis And then the next image is a woman of a drop dead gorgeous woman You know looking, you know, she's a she's a super model figure and she's looking in the mirror and she sees a fat person Okay, well men oftentimes do over Value themselves in the fantasy realm and think that they can attract more than they're capable of Certainly a lot of men think that they can attract younger women So when you see men 55 posting they want to date 25 and 35 years old They're in a fantasy level unless they've got this Because let me tell you something unless that woman has major daddy issues There's no way a 25 year old wants to be with a 55 year old unless she's got daddy issues or she's hoping for bucks So that's another fantasy men live in um What other fantasy do men live in? Those are the two main ones. They they they think they can attract more than they can Both and and then they want younger women. I mean, that's the two main ones Now it's interesting women buy books on relationship 10 fold greater than men But men do buy relationship books They're the idea the books they buy are how to pick up chicks and how to pick up hot chicks because men Just want to learn how to meet women after that. They have no fucking clue what to do next, but they do Men do hire coaches so they can learn how to meet women. It's what to do afterwards. This is why ladies I always say you are in charge of your relationship destiny. Don't give it to the guy But jonathan feminine energy coach is saying I must just be sit back in my feminine energy and let the man be chivalrous and claim me Look at I get it 10 percent of men have got game I mean are intentional they want a wife even in midlife and they've got the game to get there 10 percent 90 percent are clueless So you can focus on the 10 percent, but guess what you're competing with every other woman shooting for that 10 percent And you might get that i'm not discounting that or you can recognize that there are a lot of good guys out there That want love too, but they just not be may not be good at it That's why be careful leaving it up to the man. You are in charge of your relationship destiny That's my invitation for you. Can I please get a thumbs up? Um osha, thank you so much great question. I hope oh and yes Men do live in them tend to live in the moment more so than women I just got to give a shout out uh by the way osha. Thank you for that shout out to my Sweet friend gin amber folks Check out this person's website. She sells great products to make look at my face looks Even healthier because of gin amber products. So definitely check her out. Um, just big thumbs up for her All right, uh, let's hear I see mig tau. Thanks gin All right, what is this? Eva writes, what do you think of men going their own way mig tau movement? It seems to be growing in popularity Well, I understand. Okay, so mig tau means men going their own way basically Basically These are men that don't subscribe to the traditional way of dating mating and relating And they're basically saying, you know, I don't need a woman for my own happiness. That's the gist of what I get Now a lot of these guys are sitting around Saturday nights jacking off doing nothing because they got no women in their lives Is my speculation and they're they're treating they might treat women as Maybe chattel or property. I don't know. That's just the speculation But that's my my gist of that is these are people that are fed up with the traditional way of dating and quite frankly I believe people I believe they have a valid point this book the rules Has screwed it up for more women the book the rules because it's taught Manipulative ways to getting guys that the mig tau movement says fuck that shit We don't want manipulative women. So that's what mig tau is all about. They're tired of the manipulation That is being taught by women. This is why when I joke about the feminine energy. Look at Folks, let me say something I'm all for women's empowerment and I'm all for men's empowerment because I'm all for Loving on oneself self-love. I'm a big proponent of that. I am a big proponent of individual empowerment Okay, but that's not masculine or feminine. That's a human thing. Okay What I'm afraid afraid of the feminine energy rhetoric is it's setting you up for this kind of crap that will back It will temporarily work to get a guy But All right, I have to pause here for a second because I'm guilty of something Do you ever notice that a lot of look at Here, let me just pull up my youtube channel I'm just going to pull up mine not someone else's okay But some of the titles of my videos. Okay, I'm just going to own this shit Five hidden ways women's sabotage relationship three reasons men do this, you know Five factors that make him addicted to you, you know, five sexy mindsets. Okay Now folks, let me be clear about something These are what's known as clickbait titles. These are titles that you women seem to like now And you watch videos and a lot of it is bullshit Is just bullshit because there's no magic fairy dust that you can say these five words to get your ex back Or you can say these five things and the guy who's been ghosting you and disappeared. He's magically going to come back It's all fucking bullshit. Okay. It is Because it does it sometimes it works Sometimes but most of the time it doesn't this is why if you watch my videos and when I do those titles I'm actually teaching you human behavior Information I'm talking about the deeper issues that most of you are not even aware of so when I talk about these books It's like for example when I shoot a video and I use a clickbait title It's because I'm reading from the book how to be an adult in relationship Instead of the fucking stupid book the rules so That's why I have a hard on for a lot of the Information you're getting out there because it's not based on human behavior. It's based no John Gray's work Is all based on biology, but it doesn't contemplate Childhood wounds love attachment style the amago just to name a few. So let me talk about this childhood wounds and traumas If you're not familiar with book the Hoffman process, let me just hold on one second everyone Hold on Bear with me one second. Wow okay The Hoffman process This is a deep dive in healing child and wounds and traumas and adult traumas that are causing negative patterns and limiting beliefs in your life This is a deep dive into healing because you can't here's the thing you can attract attraction Is a temporary way to get a guide But to keep a healthy relationship you have to do the work. You have to read these books I refer book after book after book and I mentioned the amago This book is called getting the love you want by Harvelle Hendricks. Why is this important because here's the thing You know the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. And here's the thing Have you ever noticed you tend to choose the same type of men over and over again? Well, that's because you're most likely choosing either your mother and father over and over again That's why reading these books help you heal so you don't repeat these patterns over and over again Is this sinking in can I please get a thumbs up? All right If you have a question post the word question um Let me go back here. Is everyone having fun if you are please let me know Oh, okay Everyone I have a share with you right now robin I'm sorry that I made you cry the other night I promise that I'll practice looking at the mirror and seeing what is really there And not what the belief of what I have of myself. Thank you Okay, I'm gonna cry again rob You broke I mean when I say you didn't break my heart my heart breaks When I read what you shared and folks if you're watching this video for the first time this sweet And by the way, thank you for the super sticker this sweet woman shared In our last live stream that she hated herself and my heart melted in that moment because all I wanted to do is give a big gigantic jonathan bear hug and Anyone who's listening to this right now look at I am no less victim to suffering Than anyone who's watching this and those who know when I lost connor. It it was devastating to me and hurt pain can come in a variety of different ways and When I wrote my book what the heck is self-love anyway It's to was my cathartus my cathart catharticism cathartic approach To healing the pain I had inside of me and my invitation for robin is to do the same So I have a book. I want to recommend to you robin And by the way, everybody This book is called loving what is Loving what is by byron katie and there's four key questions to ask oneself So I want to read this to everybody by the way, um robin. I'm just going to do Bear with me. Thank you for that by the way. I want to read everyone This is loving what is by byron katie byron is a katie byron's a woman by the way Oh, by the way, does everyone remember this from the live stream From the other night. Okay, so these are the four questions to ask yourself whenever you're faced with a problem first Like for example, she said I hate myself. Is it true? That's the first question to ask the second question to ask. Can you absolutely know that is true? The third question, how do you react when you think of that thought? And then lastly and this is the turnaround Who would you be without that thought? And turn it around Who would you be without that thought? I love myself That's my invitation for everyone. So again byron katie's work loving what is great book to read Oh another great book since we're talking about not liking ourselves another great book by by brené brown the gifts of imperfection Robin, please read this book. This is a game changer a life changer and from the bottom of my heart I want you to get this and um And if you do i'll send you a copy of my book as a gift to you if you purchase this gift the gifts of Imperfection. All right big hugs to you, sweetheart All right, what kind of questions do we have? shannon says How much of this shit show? Are we wait, how much of this shit show? We are in is based on how badly people have been raised as in no families traditional values learn childhood Oh my god. I love love love this question. How much of this shit show is based on how? Okay, everybody This is you need to hear this if you haven't heard it before i'm going to take off this question Much of our angst in our life happened when we were little children So I want you to picture a four-year-old here folks. I'm going to show you a picture of something hold on a second Bear with me one second My instagram. Let's hopefully this will come up Hopefully this will come up Can you see this picture? That's me with my two boys. That's connor on my lap and my son collin playing video games Okay, uh roughly about ages three and five give or take Now I want to share with you a story that i'm not very proud of Okay, my son collin was playing video games one day with his with his xbox And i'm we we're like getting ready to go somewhere and i'm like, hey, can you wrap it up? And he wouldn't do it and he's five years old and i'm like, hey, can you wrap it up? You wouldn't do it and then it was like starting it I was wearing on my nerves wearing on my nerves wearing on my nerves and I reached a point where I lost it I mean I fucking blew up in fact his xbox was on the ground right by the television I jumped up on the air and landed on it. That's how angry I was I Completely lost my shift To a five-year-old That had to be ridiculously devastating There's no way a five-year-old mind can comprehend the absolute buffoon behavior of their father And most likely he took that so personally that it left a scar on him. Okay now The funny thing was this xbox and I weigh 200 pounds I'm six foot two 200 pounds. It didn't break it actually He ended up I think he still has that xbox and it's got to be 20 years old now Okay, but to a five-year-old child. That's just one example Of how they can't comprehend what's going on so even so that's an example of where I lost it Okay, that's just a one out of hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of little things that might have happened to my Children's lives that affects who they are as adults Now sometimes this affects, you know abandonment issues abuse verbal abuse physical abuse real serious heavy-duty stuff Can can make it such that a human being may not ever live a healthy happy life unless they do a deep dive into personal development Self-help and spiritual work, and I mean a deep dive And this is what we're faced with so yes This our shit show is all predicated on that as well as adult traumas Divorce is a heavy-duty trauma multiple relationships that go nowhere are a heavy-duty trauma trauma issues at work physical issues Job laws, I mean this fantasy narrative that relationships are just magically going to all work out Is ridiculous And it's not faint for the faint of heart either if you don't have the constitution to actually Stand up and do this work and then put yourself out there then guess what? I'm going to say going back to the the joke. I said It's easier to be killed by a terrorist than to find a husband at age 40 It's it's not a most by the way anybody can get in a relationship at any time But a half happy healthy juicy delicious relationship That's going to require a lot of work on oneself and that's what i'm here to encourage everybody to do Can I please get a thumbs up on that? Thank you great question by the way Candy oh by the way, I've got a moscow mule today Today it's a crystallite vodka and a lime All right candy writes How to tell someone you're not happy with the communication Anymore let them know if they get time in the future that they are welcome to touch base. I need to say something but not sure how so you know You have to get clear on the by the way everybody misinterprets the word communication Right now i'm talking to you that's communication What we're really not what I think is the more important thing you're really asking This is my projection is how can we get people to be vulnerable authentic and transparent? Let me repeat that vulnerable Authentic and transparent because that's the depth of what you're seeking in the form of communication because when I say hello to you I'm communicating with you when I um when I say goodbye. I'm communicating with you I think what you're asking is how can you get more vulnerability authenticity and transparency and I've got the solution for you candy It starts by leading by example Starts by leading by example ladies Your biggest fear is expressing your feelings to a guy because you're afraid. He's gonna leave you I'm here to say That is the most misplaced fear because here's going back to my book chapter one Speak your truth Do it with kindness, but chapter nine here. Let's let's let's find it together. Let's find it together chapter nine What's that say? If it's sincere and from the heart you can't say the wrong thing If it's sincere and from the heart you can't say the wrong thing So candy, how do you shift the narrative? You start expressing your feelings in a way that can be seen heard and understood and you do it enough times You're inviting him to do the same Now if he's incapable of sharing his feelings to be vulnerable authentic and transparent He might not be your guy But lead by example, this is why I say ladies you are in charge of your relationship destiny. Don't give it to the guy Can I get an amen? Thank you Well, I sound like a preacher today. Can I get an amen? Can I get an amen? Can I get an amen? All right, let's keep going here bump bump bump By the way, hi everybody I'm not gonna say their names question. Why do some people can wait question Why do some people conclude there is a sexual interest when two people meet for the first time and really hit it off in a conversation? Great question So has anyone heard the term chemistry? What is chemistry chemistry is brain? Is chem chemicals being released in the brain throughout the body these chemicals include testosterone estrogen dopamine serotonin oxytocin just to name a few And dopamine in particular when you feel incredible connection for someone you can feel a rush of dopamine. That's no different than Cocaine wait wait cocaine would be this Oh god, I'm a product of the 80s. Boy. Did I do a lot of cocaine now? I just do this stuff. Does anyone use this? I just do edibles now But boy, I did a lot of blowback in the day So dopamine is like crack cocaine So we really so what happens is we feel Such strong desire for another human being that we want to have sex with them. We want to get intimate We want to be close. This is why every time you hear men are hunters and men are chasers and they're supposed to chase women Well, this is where I laugh at this again the fantasy that you think We're chasing. I want to be in a relationship. I want to be in a relationship. I want to be in a relationship That's what I'm chasing No, we're chasing. We want to fuck. That's what chasing is and then this whole narrative Oh, I know a lot of you are being told well, if you give too much to a guy, he's not going to be chasing you anymore That's another crock of bullshit too This whole another narrative that's taught by the book the rules is play the stupid game of Create distance so he can miss you and when he misses you he'll love you That is the stupidest fucking thing. I've ever heard missing doesn't call of someone to love you Appreciation causes someone to love you if you need missing if if you need to play the game of Being distant for him to love you That's gonna fucking wear thin really quickly True love comes from appreciating another person And we here at least in the united states take people for granted too much This is why when I said the words. I love you. I'm here. You matter. We're important I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you is only for mature audiences Mature audiences the vast majority of humans are emotionally immature men and women alike Did I answer the question? so Why do some people conclude sexual interests because they're feeling dopamine All right, all righty sarah says Question guy says he doesn't want the relationship label but takes the steps that would show a serious relationship What do I follow? Is he serious or not? Am I confused? You know when anyone says I don't like the label of relationship or commitment This is what I tell them. You know what? I don't allow your penis into my vagina until you say you're my boyfriend That's how I operate. So we'll stand still until you fucking figure it out, buddy If a guy isn't willing to make the first layer of commitment First layer of commitment monogamy and exclusivity. Why the fuck are you gonna let him fuck you? Okay, why? I know listen. I know look at we're grown people. We can have sex with whomever we want. I'm giving you that one um But here's the problem when you have sex with a guy you bond with him through what's known as oxytocin hey, google What does oxytocin mean? The definition of oxytocin A hormone released by the pituitary gland that causes increased contraction of the uterus during labor and stimulates the ejection of milk into the ducts of the breasts Okay ladies This is the bonding chemical to bond children with their Their child with their mother but um or the mother to the child. Excuse me, but it also bonds you two guys So here's the thing if he can't fucking handle the label of boyfriend or girlfriend Then he then let him know he doesn't get the label your lady. Uh, okay. We'll make it your lady Until you until he steps up How do you folks feel about what I just shared? Please post a comment. I'd like to hear. Thank you for that question, sarah. Great question all righty Who do we have here? Tiffany says this is great Liz says great Thank you. Gloria gives thumbs up. Michael says yes, jonathan Robin you do not have to be sorry We love you Kelly my sweet kelly big hugs to you. Hi jonathan. So nice to be here with everyone. Thank you for your time as always big hugs to You kelly. Thank you so much. You've been such a big supporter of connor. I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate that 55 thumbs up at 170 washing. Please smash that like button according to leaf. Thank you. Thank you Thank you. Please everyone hit that like button right this moment get that numbered up to 100 that way This will actually be seen by more people in the youtube algorithm. Please. Please. Please. I'm begging. I'm begging. I'm begging All right, you know what that was kind of wussy to me beg. So I take that back, but thank you. Thank you so much leaf all right Jenny says I'm not fucking anyone unless we're in a committed relationship. Yes By the way, listen um I know my words can be a little bit off-putting and and I'm a little bit graphic I get it and I and I that's why these days from now on. I'm giving the disclaimer up front Okay adult material here, but it's purely just to illustrate a point You know what? I don't mean it correct. Listen. It's funny I had a coaching session today with a client and she goes jonathan. You're nothing like your videos You're just a nice loving teddy bear when you work with me and folks. Look at I'm twofold I'm one three. Well, I'm multifaceted. Maybe I'm I've got personality disorders But I'm a big giant teddy bear to my clients. I'm a big brother to all of you I truly wish I could be there for you on a first date and I can have my shotgun out Right at that guy and say what's your intentions with my sister? And my clients love the big brother approach But I am actually very calm much like my sunday videos now my sunday videos are all PG version of jonathan from the heart, but on my live streams. We are going to get down and dirty. Okay, so thank you so much Tiffany says amen iris says word Kelly says good advice star says word Candy says I have abandonment issues from childhood. So I'm really screwy in relationship realm can't once again this book Hoffman process change your life purchase it today Veg bullshit escape Okay, winty. I don't know what we were talking about, but we can talk about escape clauses You know We we meant by the way when you're dating a guy and he sets he starts the relationship process With some sort of dysfunction that is so he can have an escape clause. I call it the dysfunctional moonwalk It's it's michael jackson walking backwards, right? The this when we vomit our dysfunction. It's because we're backing up Okay, we go like men take off like a rocket because we're driven by sex We're driven by sex That's why the old adage men are the gas and women are the brakes But the reality the reason why we're just we do the dysfunctional moon why we create escape clauses is because We those men who are not ready for relationship always want to have their exit plan and you ladies buy into it This is why you're in the fantasy realm. I'm sorry, but you're suckling on the nipple of fantasy And by the way, many of you write me saying jonathan your channel is one of the few that is actually talking about the real stuff Well, i'm here to say and I said this before it is a clusterfuck out there And yet people are meeting and falling in love all the time. What's the what did now? unconscious people are temporarily meeting and falling in love all the time because they follow the rules But the my followers and my clientele read books like this how to make love all the time by barba de angeles And they're experiencing way better relationships and definitely read the book return to love by marianne williamson This is the cd. Not the book And then I haven't even talked about the book the four agreements and the buda dated I'm i'm dumping all these books on you because if you want to change your love life Then you have to start from the inside out. Can I get an amen? thank you Ellen I agree. This is true joy says this is so true ellen hugs angie angie has a question Can you give okay question? Can you give a man a gift and respect his ego if you're not talking? I want to give him a birthday gift to bring him kindness and light. I broke up with him because of the darkness isn't okay first off folks Generosity is simply generosity generosity is love Compassion is love Expecting an outcome. That's ego Giving love, you know, what's the old adage? You know, it's better to give than to receive But the the problem is a lot of times people have a hard time receiving But the idea of giving is giving without expectation and yet we're suckling on the nipple of i'm given to you So I need to get something back You can simply give Give from your heart Without expectation and no matter how he receives it. It doesn't matter What matters most is what's in your heart and that's my invitation for you angie. Thank you so much for your question I really appreciate it. I hope it helps Bump bump. Sorry. I'm just going through this. Oh the gadget girl gave me a super sticker. Thank you so much. I appreciate that Michelle says you are the best jonathan. Thank you uh What does this say personality disorder or are you a closet gemini? Oh, that must be a conversation somebody's having so let's take that out Diana says love it. You're hilarious. I'm listening through earbuds at my desk and laughing with each f bomb Well, fucking awesome Thank you so much. Diane. I appreciate that. Oh, and you couldn't see it since you're watching you're listening on your earbuds So giving you some love there Shirley says so true Iris says ha ha no need to apologize jon. We need the tough talk. You're very welcome. All right. Do we have a question? Bear with me everyone Kristen writes good point They want an exit plan and they set it up in a rival that should be the signal of our departure You know, it's fascinating to me It's interesting. I I've interviewed a lot of i'm going to back up for a second. Hopefully you can hear me I've interviewed a lot of women who um call me after a breakup And they might have been with a guy four months six months a year two three years And I always ask a question Was there a sign in the first second or third date? That something was off, but you went against your better judgment And in every single case within the first 10 dates the first 10 dates there was glaring red flags But so many of you because of the fantasy You went against your better judgment the fantasy that magic fairy dust is just going to solve all your relationship problems This stupid narrative that many of you bought into that love will solve relationship problems Let me tell you the secret to relationship success is the four pillars chemistry shared values Blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity if you don't know how to get that Schedule a discovery call with me. There's a link in the description below. That's what I do I teach you how to vet for emotional maturity how to ask the right questions to see if you're compatible with one another Because if you don't do the work if you don't pre qualify your prospect What's the definition of insanity doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results? Do you think it's time for me to take an edible? I It's friday night. I'm gonna want a party later. By the way, did you all see that I got a new car? I got myself a bmw. Well, I already had a four I've had three bmw four series and now I'm excuse me two and now i'm my third But i've been excited to have a new uh convertible and no it's not i'm Okay connor there said dad don't pick me up in school with the convertible top down. That's midlife crisis It's not like midlife crisis. It's called midlife fun. We should all be having more listen For those of us over 50 The days ahead of us aren't as much as the days behind us I mean if we live to be 100 we're right at the 50 yard line But i'm here to say is this is our last chance to have the kind of fun before Before the blue pill doesn't work anymore Oh So i'm here to say let's have as much fun as possible for the next 30 years You know Anyway, I hope you get some value out of that. Thank you so much Oops rather stay single amen. No, I'd rather you find a life mate Okay Jonathan spill the tea did you date barbara de angeles or marianne wilkinson in the past? It's funny both women Have a hard time keeping men. They're not I mean I think they'll open but marianne wilkinson openly admits. She's not both barbara de angeles has been married I think eight times and marianne wilkinson will openly admit. She's not an easy person to be with I love these women, but I don't think we're be good life partners. No, I have not dated them But I have dated a couple famous people in my lifetime. So Um, but thank you for that question. Um, oh, we got a super sticker Our modern men living in a fantasy too. Yes. Yes. Yes Human beings are living in a fantasy Men think that they they think they can attract more attractive than they are And men with money might be able to do that most men think that they can attract younger women It cracks me up when I see 55 year old guys post on their dating profile They want a 25 to 35 year old good luck mother fucker Your chances of that is slim to none unless you're dating a woman who has major daddy issues And or and or you have major bucks in the pocket. So yes, they are living in a fantasy at least in my opinion anyway All right, great question Jonathan how emotionally devastating is it to a man at age 55 to have prostate surgery women take They're women talk. I'm assuming talk about their problems. Men don't how hard to How hard to you push to get them to open up? All right So Men oftentimes face their problems in isolation. Let me repeat that men oftentimes face their problems in isolation Sometimes it's shame. Sometimes it's embarrassment But there it is a very common thing for many men to do to suffer in silence How do you get them to open up? You just be authentic be vulnerable be transparent lead by example And when he feels safe and he desires it, he may open up or he may not But just being being a loving partner is all you can do to someone who's going through suffering and hopefully They do open up. But again, the best way to make it happen lead by example has been my approach Because there is no magic. There's no three word for it. Let me just I could do a video the three things to say to get them to Open up. No, it's not going to work I mean unless you're maybe speaking his love language, that's too So lead by example is my invitation for you. I hope that helps Michael says I love fast cars me too. This sucker is fast that I've got um Tina says midlife fun. Yes, let's have as much fun as possible Midlife fun. Yes Uh, when I said married eight times, I don't know that that was just a throwing that out there But I heard she's had multiple marriages laughing my ass off Dirty dasher. Have you ever heard about the term exclusive uncommitted relationship? Uh Well, I think that's okay. So let's talk about what ester parel talks about ester parel wrote the book mating in captivity mating in captivity And one of the phrases she uses is called stable ambiguity stable ambiguity What that means is it's most likely a relationship that's monogamous and exclusive and it's ambiguous To where's this relationship going and I believe 80 of most people in the dating realm today are experiencing what's known as stable ambiguity or another term is called Casual relationships or another term is called friends with benefits. You just don't know about it That's what we're faced with today because there's a lack of intentionality and radical honesty Let me repeat that. There's a lack of intentionality and radical honesty This is why if you want to have any chance for relationship success It's time to be intentional and to get radically honest with one another And it requires ladies since I'm talking to you men are winging it out there They have no most men have no fucking clue what they're doing because they're not reading these books I mean, I've shown you before look at all the books. I pull out for these videos Okay Men aren't reading these books. Oh, what's that book? Women tend to now Men do go to personal development workshops They go to like tony robbins and that sort of thing So it's not as if men aren't doing the work, but they don't read the relationship books nearly at the same percentage of men So that's my invitation for you read these books and educate the men you're with And that way you have a greater chance of relationship success. That's at least my invitation for you guys Is that sinking in by the way, how many likes do we have now leave? I I can't see the likes so please let me know Um, all right Do you want me to keep going? I'll keep going. It's friday night Do you have a oh all right Laurel writes Why do x's always come back after they don't want to settle down break things off and after I've moved on love this question So do you remember I was speaking about my son colin and video games? Let's go back to that photograph right there Can you see what he's doing? He's playing a video game. So I want to tell you the story about colin. That's him there And um, and it relates to this question. It relates to video games. So there was some years back He was 14 and he wanted to get halo And it was coming out at midnight at best buy So he said dad, would you take me to the store and hang out with me? And we got there at it was midnight opening of the store, but we got there at five p.m. And we were with 20th groups of people in line By midnight seven hours later. There was a there was a line 20 feet wide and a football field deep of people coming in to get the video game Okay And when he got the video game he played it and he played it and he played it and played it halo halo halo halo halo halo Until the next version of grand theft auto came out and he put halo on the shelf And then he started to play grand theft auto and he started to play that play that play that then there was uh Newt duke nukem or something like that and that one came out But then he ever once noah li goes to play halo the thing is When we've played something and we feel familiar with it We always there's this belief that a lot of men feel that if they've had sex with you They're literally your property and they can always go back to the well whenever they want And that's because they're they have some sort of attachment through that repetitive experience But it doesn't mean it's genuine. It just means he wants the fix from whatever he got So I would be highly suspect of any man who comes back professing some sort of love Because if he hasn't changed his behavior, why would you want to take him back? Okay, he hasn't whatever behavior caused the breakup is behavior that should be addressed and before the penis goes inside the vagina with him Read this book together Spend eight dates together reading this book to see how Legit is to be in relationship with you. Can I get an amen? Thank you great question um live tarot card Question I got on a dating app and it matches me with my former fiance Slap from the universe. It still hurts Liv that actually happened with me my ex-wife and I got matched on a dating app after we broke up You know I I I made no you know what I can make look it I made no I made no big deal about it If I make a big deal about it, then I'm giving it energy and I'm here to say don't give it energy so I wouldn't make it a big deal. It's not a slap from the universe It just says that you know what the algorithms, you know There probably was a reason why you got together and there is some sort of compatibility there I'm speculating here, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it Let it go. What's what's oh hold on hold that hold that thought one second everybody hold that thought Miss tarot card. This is my advice Let that shit go All right, let's see what other questions we have Oh, someone says exclusive non committed Equals committed fuck buddy I don't know if that's true, but um Exclusivity is a form of commitment. It is an agreement that I'm not going to be actively dating other people So that's one layer of commitment. It's just not the full blown layer of commitment All right k No, no c a no Question me and my long-distance boyfriend are connecting on a deep level even though we don't share Same hobbies. How important do you think shared interests are in a relationship? Great question. So this is another fantasy that many of you women believe in or fall into Is this belief that when you're talking to a guy via text message or telephone call that he's bonding with you I'm here to say men bond this much over the telephone We don't bond until we're doing shared activities hobbies Mutual interest spending time with family and friends traveling until we're face to face with a person And doing repetitive things face to face. This is how much bonding is done Now you might be experiencing a connection at a deep level But this is how much bonding is done because I have witnessed this happen over and over again Jonathan I've been dating this guy for six months and we have this deep connection But all of a sudden he disappeared and I say well, how often do you see each other in your relationship? Oh, we've never met. It's been long distance. I'm like You don't bond over the telephone ladies. That's another fantasy many of you are buying into C. A. I don't know what's going on in your situation. I'm speaking generally speaking here But ultimately the only way you're going to have a chance at a relationship It takes a hundred hours of face to face time to hit the first layer of commitment then it takes another Four seasons of doing stuff together before you can build the deep roots of trust You cannot build trust over the telephone. I'm screaming because I want everybody to hear this Okay coming back to my chief. Thank you so much. I appreciate your question And I'm sorry if I was a little crass there, but it's like that one is like You got it. That one's got to sink in or it isn't going to work um I don't know how to pronounce your name we gen lio. Okay, please forgive me. Okay Question, how do you generally replenish positive energy when you have had many things go on and on negative energy from others around you? great question, so Judith Orloff, okay, the the author Judith Orloff did a video with With dr. Sherry Myers called energy vampires energy vampires everybody Hey google Look up energy vampires fictional and religious creatures So basically I would look up Judith Orloff energy vampires. She teaches a great way to protect yourself from negative energy That's my invitation Judith Orloff energy vampires someone google that and put it in the chat box. Okay Thanks Victoria this is such a meaningful channel. Thank you so much. I appreciate that Uh live tarot. You're beautiful. His loss not yours. Yay. Live. You're gorgeous. His loss not yours. I agree Sadie Jonathan, how do you date when you fear the burning shame of rejection from a good man? You know I have a simple philosophy. I I friend well, I'm going to tell you a story I'll never forget when my my significant relationship after my divorce and I we it was a relationship where it ended And I was a basket case and I met up with a friend and a A couple and I go I don't want to love anymore and I hate love and blah blah blah And he looked at me wise man. Uh, uh, he was a uh, uh volunteer at barber de angeles event He said jonathan love is a risk And it's the best game in town Love is a risk and it's best game in town and this reminds me of a quote from the movie Shaw shank redemption So Sadie my invitation is from the quote from the movie Shaw shank to rent Shaw shank redemption one of my top two movies. It's probably my top movie. It is my top movie Get busy living or get busy dying You have a choice you can choose to sit in the narrative of What are you saying? I'm rejected. There's no good men out there. I'm re you know Rejection no good men out there rejection. That's one narrative or the right man And I are going to fall madly in love the right man and I are going to fall madly in love the right man And I are going to fall madly in love. Which wolf do you want to feed? You can feed the narrative, but you know, dr. Phil would say how's that working for you Start changing a new narrative. You need some love and support Check out the link to a discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you And just like Liv Taylor said she's saying it to me, but I'm saying it to you Sadie. Let that shit go Let that shit go I can't sing whatsoever uh Let it go let it go. What's that movie from frozen? Let it go. Let that shit go All right, tiffani writes I wrote a letter to a guy in the letter I voiced how I was not happy how things were going. I felt at this point. This would be the last time I contacted him Can can this cause him to think? No You are being his mother. You are telling him. You're doing it wrong. You're doing it wrong. You're doing it wrong You're doing it wrong. You're doing it wrong. You're doing it wrong. You're doing it wrong You're doing it wrong. You're doing it wrong You are being motherly when you're telling him because you weren't really telling him You are I suspect your letter was all telling him what he was doing wrong instead of communicating from a heart-centered place Like this book non-violent communication. Okay My guess is you were it's it's gonna backfire on you. It doesn't work It works when you do it from a loving way. Have you ever learned of the Oreo cookie? You express something positive you give the meat and then you express something pot or the The the vanilla and then you express something positive again That's my guess is you didn't do that, but I could be wrong and let us know how it worked out Okay, Virginia. Are you saying it's a good sign? It's a good sign is a man is not chasing me I did a video. Yes. By the way, I don't ladies. I don't chase women I will not ever ever ever ever chase. I've done it listen every time I chased a woman It never worked out What I've learned that I will make effort and I'm looking for her to make effort and then if she makes effort I make effort I make effort I'm looking for a relationship that looks like two cars on a two-lane street of effort I will not chase anyone ever again. Ladies. You are not the prize That whole narrative you're the prize and he should claim you know if you want to be treated like a queen You better treat him like a king and what that means is he makes effort and you make effort and you make effort He makes effort and you make he makes effort and you make effort this whole narrative this whole prize Bullshit that you're being fed is fucking you ladies up Don't buy into this if you want to be treated like a queen then you better treat him like a king and If you want and if he wants to be with a queen he better treat you like a queen Okay Robin hey Robin My ex bought a Harley and wanted to get his pilot's license in a plane when he turned 50 He had been afraid of heights. What the hell? No lie. That's awesome. I'm so happy for him. Yay. That's awesome Overcoming a fear of heights and being adventurous look at when we turn 50 We don't have many years ahead so this whole stupid narrative that it's a midlife crisis No, it's like hey, I want to live. I want to live. I want to live This whole narrative that we have to be restricted in our lives. No, it's time We don't get a chance at this again. So live and do the things you want to do. I'm happy for your ex. Amen to him Question fact-checking is the book called dodging energy vampires by Christina Northrop That's one book, but Judith Orloff did work in this area as well. So Christina Northrop I know her she's great. So I would definitely read that book, but Judith Orloff Judith Hey Google Look up Judith Orloff Certified psychiatrist and is the author of five books. Okay. It's not a book. She wrote. She's probably written articles on it So I would definitely check it out Judith Orloff good luck with that How's our likes doing I can't see the like so You know what folks I think this might be a good time to wrap up today I think we hit our max today and It's Friday night. I want you to go out and have a great time I hope you found value in this up this Livestream our women are modern women living in a fantasy. Yes, many of you are living in the fantasy I just want to remind you that chemistry does not equal relationship success sex does not mean loving commitment Feelings aren't facts men are less likely to be provider protectors as they reach midlife and The four pillars to relationship success Chemistry shared values blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity and lastly the solution to all this is called Intentional dating and radical honesty if you want to change your life then be radically honest with the man You're with just like in my book and if you need the link to my book is What the heck is self-love chapter 1 speak your truth with kindness in chapter 9? Sincere from the heart you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. I hope you found value in my work I want to thank you all for joining me today Go out and have a fantastic day and I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off Giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug of self-love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love If that's okay, I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives Have a cocktail on me and I'm gonna say goodbye too Joy Lauren Lily and Steph Patrick Patrice Oh Tiffany. Thank you for the super sticker. I appreciate it Tina Lee Joy Robin big hugs to you star Stern star Stern way to go. I love you, too Jenny Michelle Hey everyone, great to have you on today wishing you a super duper wonderful weekend. Bye. Bye now