 I think I'm gonna need some chocolate for today's video. Today we are enjoying some extra strong dark chocolate from a company whose label is too wrinkled for me to read. Chocolove.com. Hello there, my beautiful, lovely, delightful, talented internet friends. Welcome back to my channel. Thank you so much for joining me here today. I hope you'll excuse my voice. I have been sick, I am feeling better, but I still sound a little bit like a frog. I really wasn't sure if this was a video that I needed slash wanted to make. It felt not important enough to make a whole video about, but as I thought about it a little bit more, I realized this is a part of my journey that I would like to share in hopes that other people can relate or in hopes that it gets a positive message out there. So with that cryptic intro, let's dive in. As we do, if you wouldn't mind hitting the like button or subscribing to this channel, if you would like to see more of my face in your feed, that would be fantastic. It helps support my channel and I really appreciate it. If you followed me for a little while, you may be familiar with a few videos that I did about coming off of a variety of medications. Back in January of 2020, before the world was on fire, I started to think about the medications I was taking every day. Every morning I took about six pills. Every evening I took about four. And most of those I had been on for years, some of them close to a decade. I had stayed on the medication because doctors prescribed it because it was helping things or I thought it was helping things. And I realized I hadn't questioned that in a really long time. I hadn't questioned what I was putting in my body and why and if I still needed it. This was never about like being against drugs or wanting to be off of things for the sake of being off of things. It really was me kind of just wanting to go on a journey and be like, what do I still actually need? Can I sleep and not have horrible nightmares if I'm not on this medication for PTSD? Can I wake up without a ton of pain without that muscle relaxer? What about anxiety and depression and the physical pain that I have? I was on just a cocktail of different medications. You know, when you go to the doctor's office and they're like, what medications are you on? I feel like for most people that's like a 30 second conversation. Sometimes I take ibuprofen and here's what I have for heartburn. It was always this like five minute conversation going through the different medications and the dosages. And it was, I still on this from last time and had that changed. And it was, oh, it just took forever, right? It was this massive list. And I started experimenting under doctor supervision, very important point. Seeing what I could come off of. I started with some of like the easier ones. The ones I knew weren't gonna have any withdrawal effects at a minimum, just to see if I still needed them. And I was okay. The two that I was really scared of coming off of was opioids. I had been on opioids for pain management since I was 20 years old. I'm 29 now, so just about a decade for chronic pain. And I'd kind of assumed that I'd be on these medications forever. But I thought, you know what? Why don't I give it a shot? Trying to come off of them. And I was able to come off of them. And that is one of the biggest wins in 2020 for me because I don't depend on this somewhat dangerous medication to make it through every day. Now for years, I did. And I very legitimately did need that. And there was nothing wrong with that. It's just that my body has shifted and changed. I found different methods of coping with pain that have been effective. And I was able to come off of them. The second, and the one that I was really scared to not take anymore was an antidepressant. I had been on that one since I was 22, I think. And I remember what life was like before I went on that. And that was something that terrified me and something I didn't wanna go back to. I didn't wanna have to put anybody around me through. I didn't wanna have to put myself through. But I did want to know if my body and brain still needed this chemical to exist. And so my doctor and I made a plan to kind of taper off of it and just see what happened, right? So that's what I did. And I was able to get off of it. And I made videos about this whole process about when I started something, finally getting off of it, yay, all that stuff. And the last video I made in this sort of series was coming off a antidepressant and actually being off of it. Wow, it felt amazing not to have to depend on any medication every day. I still have medications on hand if something gets really bad or if I need this or if I need that. But none of it I have to take daily. I don't have to stay on any of it. There are some days where I don't take a single bit of any kind of medication and that blows my mind. I can't tell you how weird that is compared to a year ago. So I came off my antidepressant and I was, all right, I was good for a short time. And then I started sort of falling into this weird, new, improved, leveled up, if you will, form a depression when I hadn't fully experienced before. I had all the normal symptoms, you know, not much will to live, completely exhausted, tired, can't focus, can't do anything. Everything is just so dark, so dark. But my brain decided to introduce a new flavor of depression. Speaking of flavors, dark chocolate is the best chocolate. Instead of simply feeling all of those things, there became this intellectual component of me questioning the actual point of existence from a very existential place. I've struggled with faith, I've struggled with life and all different sorts of things for a while now, but I always had something to fall back on. And what was added to the cake batter of my mind was this existential crisis. Not only was I really sincerely depressed, but my brain was also working overtime to try to figure out what the fuck the point of being alive was. And it wasn't just a feeling, it was like actual thoughts and what is the point of life? And this is all meaningless and not just a feeling, but also here's why it's meaningless. I can give you evidence for it. I still have trouble actually putting into words what I was feeling, but it was very different for me and very scary because it moved beyond just passing thoughts and heavy feelings and moved into very serious, deep thought along with that. And Brian, my husband, mentioned that he was a little bit concerned about me as this continued on and I started going back to my therapist who I wasn't able to see for a number of months, but eventually after a good number of weeks, I decided to go back on that medication and I'm back on it now and I am doing better. Whether or not those things are connected, I can't tell you, but I can tell you that I feel a lot better than I did a few weeks ago. So the actual reason that I wanted to make this video because I don't think videos updating people about what chemicals are in your body are necessarily that fascinating. The reason that I wanted to make this is because I know from comment sections and conversations and direct messages that a lot of my lovely audience, you there, are also on different forms of medication, be it for depression or anxiety or pain or any number of physical or mental issues. And for me personally, I've always felt a lot of stigma around taking medication. I've always felt like growing up, though my parents did not tell me this, I just sort of picked up the feeling from the religion that I was a part of and society that medications are bad. They're a sign of weakness. You shouldn't be on medications. In my personal experience, if you believed in God and had faith enough, you wouldn't hurt anymore. That was one that took a long time to work out of, but there definitely is a stigma against medications in our society and I don't think that there should be. And it took me a long time to find my way out of the shame that I felt for having very legitimately needing to take these. And as I was making all these videos about coming off this medication and off that medication, I was worried that it would in some way contribute to the idea that being off medications is better than being on medications, that it's some kind of moral anything, which it's not. I tried to make it really clear in the video that like, this is just for my health because that's what medications are for. So let's see what happens. And I noticed for myself, when I went back on this anti-depressant, I did feel some of that shame popping back up. I felt like, oh, you can't do it on your own, can you? Like you should be able to just muscle through and figure it out and sure, maybe I could. But also depression is a pretty serious and life-threatening thing and it's not something to play around with. And when you find tools that are helpful to you and those tools vary for everybody who experiences this because everyone experiences it differently, it's a great thing to utilize those tools. The bubbles of shame and guilt that started piling up in me about going back on this medication didn't last that long. I was able to work myself out of that mindset. But I wanted to make this video to show you and also tell you that drugs, that medications from medical professionals that are prescribed appropriately can be really great tools. There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking a medication that's prescribed to you. There's also nothing wrong with deciding responsibly to come off of that medication that you have been taking. Now I am a little bit bummed that there is something I have to take every day for a variety of reasons. Going to the pharmacy, traveling, worrying about coming off of it if it was ever, you know, out of stock or discontinued, I don't know, I have weird fears like that about medications. So going back on it does come with some like, ah, bummer. I almost got there. I almost was able to like stay off of everything that I needed every day. I also had a real conversation in my head about not trying a tool that I knew could benefit me when I was in a very bad place because I said I wasn't on it anymore because I had like made this statement in my life that I was off of everything and isn't that cool and yay, like I didn't want to break that record. I don't know, I had said it and so I didn't want it to not be true and I'm really glad that I didn't let that stop me from taking it because like I said, I'm in a much better place now than I was then. The long and short of this video is if you need medication, it's not a failing. It's not a moral failing. It's not an emotional failing. It's not a physical failing. It's just something that you need. It's a tool, right? If the stigma of medication is something that's keeping you from trying it when you or your doctor think it could be a really good option for you, I would encourage you to really take a look at that stigma and see if you can break it down because at the end of the day, as I've said a number of times in this video, medication is a tool and a depressants are a tool much like meditation or long walks outside or exercise or journaling or art or anything is. It's something to be used when appropriate if it works for someone and it turns out it does work for me. I would like to try and maybe another year or two coming off of this, I don't know, in a perfect world. I would like to not have to take medications, but I'm doing what I need to right now for my mental health and for my physical health and I think that that's a good thing. Please don't let the fear of that stigma stop you from perhaps finding a tool that could really benefit you. My hair looks really tired. I am tired. So maybe my hair is just a physical manifestation of what I'm feeling inside. Thank you for listening to this, guys. I still question if this warrants a whole video made about it, but I did want to update you because I took you on the first half of the journey. It seems kind of silly to not take you on the rest of it, right? Do you feel like there is a stigma against medications in our society? I felt that for a long time, but I've never known if it was just because of like the culture that I was raised in, which was heavily influenced by certain parts of Christianity that at that time did not look kindly on medicine or if it's a societal or worldwide thing. I would love to hear your input on this, what your experience with this has been, and yeah, I really appreciate you listening. To my patrons who support these videos and make these videos possible, thank you so much. So much for your continued financial support. It really means the world to me. And just the reason that I'm able to do these, thank you. If you're interested in Patreon or what that is, I'll put a link up on screen. It's basically a way you can financially support creators that you care about or want to support. And in return, get a community and some cool perks. So check it out if you feel like it. And to you, watching this video. Thank you so much for spending a few minutes out of your day here with me today. My voice is officially giving out. So I guess it's good that it's the end of the video, but you could be anywhere in the world doing anything and you chose to spend a few minutes with me. And I really appreciate that. I love you guys, I'm thinking about you and I will see you in the next video. I'm very sad that all my dark chocolate is gone. I didn't eat all of this today, just so we're very clear. I keep my dark chocolate in the freezer, so I have like a frozen piece or two at the time. And it's really nice. If you've never put your chocolate in the freezer, I would recommend it. I just realized that I have chocolate on my hands and I've like touched my face and clothes. Wonder how many chocolate stains I have on me that I'm currently unaware of. And like I said, dark chocolate is the best chocolate. All right, I'm gonna go now. I love you guys, bye. Have her from the sky.