 Hi everybody and welcome back to our vlog from the Kamasutra to 2020 where we answer your questions your concerns Even your worries around all things to do with sex and sexuality So as always we have with us dr. Anvita Madan behel I'm with eyes a psychosexual therapist and she brings the clinical and Psychological perspective to what the Kamasutra advices. So welcome on with us. Thank you Sina and welcome everyone to this week's blog So I'm with her. I have a question for you today Which I think is going to resonate with everybody because it deals with personal relationships and sexual relationships during lockdown and What's even more interesting is that the young man who sent the question into me said that actually His girlfriend wanted to ask this but was feeling so lethargic and didn't want to write the question So he's written it for her So I guess that's one level more of feeling just really lethargic and feeling low during this lockdown period So it says that during the pandemic work from home has really taken its toll I don't pay much attention to my body my skin or my hair The stress and monotony has increased so much that I am losing my libido Even if my partner initiates it, I don't feel like indulging is my libido connected to my love and care for my own body How should I take care of my sexual health? I Think you'll admit you'll agree that this is something that almost everybody has faced during this time, you know, this this Breakdown or this lockdown of the mind the body and the spirit generally speaking. What do you think? I think it's such a relevant question and I'm so glad that this young couple has written in because I think Everybody is taking this issue because everything has become so Monday You know, we're so used to and I'm sure this is the experience that you have seen with all your friends and families We we barely get out of our track pants or pajamas or whatever We are very and everybody has gone complacent into taking care of themselves, right? So nobody's really taking care of their bodies or bearing nice clothes or getting ready or any of those things So I think I really relevant question. Yeah I think you know going on from what you said about how we've all noticed in ourselves How we've become so complacent and it's just kind of gone downhill. I almost feel like Maybe it's a defense natural defense system of the body You know like the animals that go into hibernation and they basically slow down their organs They slow down their mind and they say stay very still for a few months I think maybe this is what it is because I know that when lockdown started we were all feeling so agitated You know, everybody wanted to be doing something and then when it becomes long-term You realize that you actually want to Slow things down in your mind in order to protect your own mind because if I was feeling what took if I was feeling like I want to run around and do this. I think I just make myself really really miserable So I think that the body and the mind has its own natural defense system and we just kind of Shut ourselves down and that's great for some parts of your life But it hasn't had a fantastic impact on sexual relationships. I think that has really suffered Yeah, and so to directly answer the question that the couple has asked the libido is connected To your mind your body and your feelings in some ways and we always talk about the circular Relationship and we say that if either one of them is impacted Your libido will get impacted So if your body is not feeling healthy or well the libido will get impacted If you're not feeling well like if you're feeling depressed or you're feeling sad or you're feeling angry It will have an impact on your libido And if in your mind you're not feeling sexual like you're feeling stressed or you're overwhelmed with work or you have 20 other things on your mind Once again Your mind body and feelings are not going to engage sexually So it's really important to step back and look and see How have you reacted to this pandemic? You know, are you stressed? Are you anxious? Are you feeling like, you know, this is too much? Are you feeling overwhelmed? And also People thought life is going to slow down like you're saying the help of nation. I just think Work has just Increased that much more for people who are alone in the house, you know You suddenly have to do everything That wasn't part of You know your daily routine between the cleaning and the taking care and the cooking and the washing and Finding where to get the shopping and all of those things So I think actually time has become less rather than more um during the day And also like she says in her question that She's not looking after her hair or her skin and so on and is that impacting the libido? Is that actually having an impact on the way that she? Feel sexually aroused and interestingly, you know, we always say don't we about body image about feeling good from the inside etc etc And that how you look on the outside shouldn't affect you But in actual fact it does Because like you said when you're feeling good about yourself I think it it shows in Different ways in your mind in your body and obviously in your sexual health But I also want to say that you know in the kamasutra That this is nothing to do with your body image and your self-esteem but in the kamasutra it says that um the Sexual pleasure or a sexual interaction or just making love It's supposed to be very special thing And so in ancient times it would be preceded by a lot of shringar You know, you would you would treat it as something beautiful as something special as an occasion as an event So you would do the full solar shringar. You would be you know, you'd go out there You'd have a bath you'd perfume yourself. You'd do your hair and so on Today most of us Anyway, don't do that But I think that this is actually a really good time to remind ourselves that We have started to take the act of love making As something a lot more mundane and everyday and maybe This is a good time to realize that it's special and beautiful And make more of an effort towards it. Yeah, I actually that's something, you know, when you speak about the shringar That's something that we recommend to couples who are struggling with their libidos and things We actually suggest that they should take up time and it's so easy You know, most young people will come and say we just don't have the time Especially young couples who have little children They'll say who has the time I have to do so much with the child And one of those things that we recommend is saying you need to take up time for yourself and do date nights And even if the date night has to be within the household But the fact is that you get ready for it. You know, you make a special effort You cover time for it. You might like some candles But it is about Inviting the sexual energy into the space, right? Because otherwise What's in the space is all the work and the chores that need to be done and taken care of and you're just exhausted And then you just want to watch tv and it's done So to invite the sexual energy You do need to spice it up to make it interesting to keep it interesting You know, you can't make in mandarin or like another chore like oh now I have to eat my breakfast now I have to clean the table or now I have to have sex, you know, it can't be like that So you need to spice it up And so having a date night like you're suggesting like actually getting ready is a wonderful idea to spice it up So I guess, you know, particularly for couples who are living on their own and don't have other people surrounding them And they have the space and the time I think that this is a fantastic idea must tell you that My son and his wife were very newly married. They got married in october last year and This is this lockdown has come very early in their relationship and they have this thing on friday evening They don't live with us. They live separately, but they have this thing on Friday evenings where they will do date night at home So the two of them get dressed for it Then they set out their drinks in front of them like they would at a bar And he might son will take out his guitar and play a little song for his wife every now and I just think it's really cute They sent us a couple of photos of themselves dressed up for date night and it's just adorable And I think that it's really important to get out there and make a little bit of an effort because I think that like you said, you know, it's not a chore Lovemaking shouldn't go back down into the same rut as oh damn. I have to clean the kitchen Oh my god, I have to go and wash the dishes and oh darn it now. I have to go and have sex Yeah, and you know and also think and just when you were mentioning the whole like how they do it It changes your mood so much, you know You for a minute forget all the stress and anxiety that's coming with the pandemic and it's coming with, you know, our Work-life balance has actually merged together You know what we have fought for for so long about the work-life balance actually with the pandemic pandemic now People are just you know, it's overflowing into each other and it's all mixed up And so there's no work-life balance any longer. So even what you mentioned Just felt like it felt like oh, it's a break from work It's a break from all the work that people are doing and it just Refreshes your mind and it makes it exciting, right? and You can even go a step further where you can say If you have the space can we try out different room? Can we just try out different spaces? There are a lot of sex games that are available. You could actually engage in sex games and buy some or You get these cards, which are called pillow talk cards Which build on your relationship? Like you basically interact as couples and ask each other questions So it builds trust and intimacy So I actually think that this pandemic is a really amazing time to build on relationships Because you have the alone time you have the time where you know, you're not distracted Or you're not pulled in so many directions So it's actually a good time to build on your trust and intimacy and then the sex you will see will get even better If that intimacy and trust is there Yeah, I think sex games Foreplay extended foreplay that doesn't necessarily lead to sex Card games stories, etc. I think that's a really good point to use Just to get the the mind and the body and the metabolism going again More than anything else because if everything sits down I mean, it's really worth thinking that you know, we are the pot of energy Our main source of energy comes from the mul dhara chakra, which is right at the bottom of the spine And all energy has to be aroused from there The first thing that it goes past as this energy arises is it goes past your sexual organs So if we have actually gotten rid of our energy altogether, we've suppressed that energy if there's no metabolism going Then no part of your energy is going to be aroused not even your sexual energy No, and I really Would recommend that you use this time to you know, and the other thing like what I was going to say is that We would normally get ready or have interactions with people outside, you know, we would go meet friends at night We would get ready for that. We would do, you know, we would also what that does is it makes the energy flow like you're saying Right, like when you're going out to meet friends, you suddenly feel re-energized because you've met different people You've done different things. You've actually Bothered to take care of yourselves Put some makeup done your hair change your clothes for a woman or even for a man And all of that has now stopped. And so in some ways I feel people are really not Getting You know, you've got your affirmations from the outside world which is not, you know, we can get into the whole idea of That's not good. The affirmation needs to come from inside. All of that is true But the reality is You go outside you have an interaction you're learning new things You're interacting with new things and you feel recharged when you come back But none of that recharging is happening right now So you have to make a conscious effort to recharge yourself be it exercising at home taking care of yourself or creating date nights or, you know Taking out half enough 45 minutes to spend with your partner as one on one time As a special one on one time not while you're watching tv, you know, most people when you will say to them Take our time. Oh, yeah, we watch tv together. Now. That's not one on one time watching tv together Is not one on one time. It is doing nothing To your relationship. Are you holding hands? Are you talking to each other when you're watching tv? Like what is happening in that moment is important to look at Yeah, I think, you know, it's like you were saying this whole thing about recharging yourself Energies are so important So like you were saying, you know, you get all made up. You get dressed up It actually shifts your mental energy just that whole process of getting yourself dressed up It shifts your mental energy doesn't it and at the best of times I remember some years ago when I was studying energies through Tantric chanting, you know, the the tantric breeding breathing techniques One of the things that they used to always say is that whenever you start Anything whether it is Your energy raising exercise, whether it's your breathing whether it is to say your prayers anything at all You have a bath before that So it you know, just having that but just that cleansing action makes all the difference And I think that it it impacts your Sexual experience hugely If just before you decide to make love you actually go up and have a bath since we're here in lockdown You're not being able to get dressed and make put on your shrink hard and put on your makeup and go out and so on You have to try different things at home So try the smaller things like Anvita said, you know, you can try sex games You can try for play you can try different conversations one of the simplest things that you can try Is literally go and have a lovely long shower have a bath just before that wash your hair cleanse yourself Give it that little bit of importance And then say I will come to my bed with my lover in a different physical frame as well And and I think it is about making it special right like that's what you're saying It's about saying that you're going to carve out time and you know just the idea I think when people forget like if you start thinking, you know in the morning Oh, you know, this is something that we're going to do in the evening. Be it a date night or having sex and everything Just throughout the day the arousal will keep increasing by the night Right. Like if you're thinking, oh, I need to shower. I need to get ready, you know But the point is in some ways You're engaging with the sexual experience pretty much the whole day as you're planning for it So the arousal is increasing more and more and what that means is you're on the beat always increasing more and more As the day passes on so I think that itself becomes part of the foreplay And I think it will change the love making, you know, if it's in the evening or you could try it in different times of the day as well And I have a great tip as well Again, according to the kan sutra One of the best things one of the most arousing things that you can do is to laugh together Because the moment you laugh either when you tell each other a little bit of gossip or you tell each other a naughty joke or something But basically the idea of laughter because the moment you laugh it Arouses a certain amount of energy in your body. I have to tell you it's really interesting little anecdote. So, uh, the very very first book on erotic science It's, you know, they predating the kan sutra by a thousand years It is supposed to have been written by nandi shiva's fault nandi And in that, uh, you know, there is this point at which it says the story says that, you know, when brama creates men and women at the start of the world He tells them he says now go forth and multiply But they don't know what to do And so they go to shiva and they say what should we do in shiva? It's like, you know what just Explaining all this is going to take time. But in the meantime Tickle each other once you tickle each other. It'll make you laugh and Everything will fall into place and we're told that they do Exactly that and well the rest is history. Here we are with a very well populated world. So Laughter is one of the best things that you can share If you're feeling really yucky and down and like, oh my god, everything is so monotonous and boring Start with a little bit of laughter. Share a bit of gossip Share some naughty story with each other and Drop the inhibitions from there raise and recharge your energy and then moving forward Things will get better Yes, I think, you know Wrapping up. I think that's the message. It doesn't Nobody's saying you can't have the best facts in your pajamas But somewhere you need to get the excitement. It could be in your thoughts like you're saying It could be in the feelings with laughter. It could be a naughty You know sharing a naughty fantasy or sharing a naughty thought Or, you know, actually physically Uh, you know making yourself feel sexual or you know getting ready for the evening or the afternoon So at some point you need to make an intervention Uh to change the energy to change the aura and come into that sexual space Um, so I think it's really important and you know, I think we've thought of so many ideas just in these 20 minutes. Yeah So yeah, so like Anvita said to wrap up Our advice on this would be we're all feeling really really low and monotonous and kind of overburden during lockdown It's not been great and our energies have been suppressed whether we've done it deliberately or it's just happened We don't know but maybe we have done it deliberately just to be able to protect our minds from becoming too unhappy so In order to re in re-energize re-enliven your sexual relationship, which is an extremely important thing to do So please do focus on it. Here's a couple of tips One is that yes Nothing to do with self-esteem or body image, but if you actually Make an effort to go into something do a little bit of shringar. Maybe have a shower before Get yourself a little bit dressed up You will feel that it is a more special thing that you're doing It will make love making a little bit more desirable and pleasurable If you live by yourself and you have the indulgence of space Try different parts of the house. Maybe just to change things, you know Just to mix it up a little bit or even try deep nights together If you don't have the indulgence of space you live with other people Try doing things that you can do in your bedroom Have a shower perfume yourself Spend a little bit of time chatting to each other. Maybe dim the lights chat to each other listen to a little bit of music Hold hands etc before you go into it and finally That anything that you do if you actually make a conscious effort and you say today I want to make love that wants to comes in You will change your energy So changing your energies is where it's all at We hope that this is going to help you and we certainly wish you very good sexual health I just want to mention that if Lack of libido is a long-term problem in your relationship. Please seek professional help It's a common problem that exists And it can be easily resolved if you seek professional help In the meantime, do like comment subscribe If you have any questions send them in at info.cima.onern.gmail.com And if you wish to get in touch with Anvita directly for clinical and psychological advice Please find her on anvita madan behel.com. We'll see you next week See you next week